CHALLENGE #13 - Winners
Apologies for the lateness of this post.
The variety of drabbles this week just blew us away; while some were comic in nature, others poetic and some were decidedly dark they were all amazing. Thanks so much for continuing to produce such high quality stories!
1st place:
duckbunny with Butterbeans
Came first in the poll and voted for by all three mods.
...I think you are the only person who could characterise a can of beans so well in only 100 words! You've really added mystery to this ordinary object and it's brilliant how such an insignificant object is surrounded by superstition... - vands88
This is so original and written well, and such an interesting use of a superstition! Such a normal object that is just 'there' with no other random purpose than the fact that it is just 'there' all the time and it becomes a permanant fixture is simplistically brilliant, and very entertaining to read. - _gentlycollapse
2nd place:
cupati with Essentials
Did well in the poll and was voted for by two mods.
This is such a fantastic take on the theme...The list form is a great parody - my favourite is “Spare lucky underpants.” Short, but saying so very much, and to great comedic effect. - eatmywords09
Absolutely brilliant! This writer always amazes me with her interpretation of the prompt and this drabble is fantastic! The last line made me laugh out loud and it's nice to read a light-hearted and fun drabble once in a while. - vands88
3rd place:
duckbunny with Progress
Came second in the poll.
Interesting use of the prompt, I love how it starts and ends with "deep in the dark, something stirred" as it seems so fairytale and gives the drabble that extra little something. - vands88
This reads like an extract from a book, which I find really appealing. The theme was clear, and I loved the way you juxtaposed the past and present time/different time and instantly brought us out into the sunlight, as it were... - eatmywords09
Mod's Choice:
super-six-one with Burning
Voted for by two mods.
The structure of this one deeply appealed to me; every sentence sat in the right place and the beat and rhythm was all right...The whole piece is so wise, it’s so deadpan, yet so filled with compassion. - eatmywords09
I love the descriptions used in this, and the incorportion of the prompt, not using it so much in the literal since but in the form of the song, very well written. - _gentlycollapse
Reviews Comments by vands88:
Watch:
This drabble is certainly an interesting one. I picked up on hints of schizophrenia mainly because of the "all in your head" comments and I thought it worked very well as a piece. The story is very vague, which I believe is intentional and I think no matter how you interpret this drabble the last line is still beautiful. Great job!
Luck Is Overrated:
This one is so realistic, I think we all know someone with a little bad luck and you form some lovely mental pictures of this poor guy getting covered in mud! My favourite line has to be “I’ve got you, don’t I?” as it made me go "awww". Nice job, I liked it a lot.
2:36:
This drabble is heartbreaking, and you've managed to characterise Zachery so well in only a few words. I really feel for this couple and even though your prompt use was a little vague, "clutching the cross" was perfectly placed.
Burning:
Another interesting use of the prompt here, and you've crammed so much emotion in your story that I just want to give the poor man a hug! Well done.
Waiting By Your Bedside:
Brilliant, you mentioned so many superstitions and the fact that she woke on the seventh day adds to the effect excellently. I got a wonderful mental image of George going out collecting clovers all day just because of superstition, and overall I thought it was a good piece!
Twins:
You mentioned so many superstitions in this drabble. I particularly like the one about breaking mirrors as I can imagine children doing that. The last line is beautiful, and it shows such friendship between these twins. Very cute piece!
Reviews by eatmywords09:
WATCH: “It plowed through that red light” is a beautiful line. In fact, I love all the metaphors you use in this; they remind me of a painting, in a way. You’re terribly good in your work at painting imagery. However, please do lengthen your sentences! I understand completely what you’re doing, honest, but give yourself some freedom and let it all pour out. The voice and the person are two very powerful characters and they bounce off each other nicely. I’m not quite sure what you were going for but I think your take on the theme was original and well realised. The repetition of ‘watch’ throughout, too, was deeply haunting.
PROGRESS: This reads like an extract from a book, which I find really appealing. The theme was clear, and I loved the way you juxtaposed the past and present time/different time and instantly brought us out into the sunlight, as it were. “The trees would have to go, of course.” I love how much that ‘of course’ says about Mike and then how the huge strength or power of that thing in the woods is so subtly portrayed. It’s almost as if the superstitions have created the thing themselves. My only real crit is that the opening paragraph does not quite sound like someone speaking; maybe reading aloud perhaps, and maybe you could have said something along those lines. But I really enjoyed this. All the dark undertones add such colour to it!
ESSENTIALS: Yes, your longest vertically, which made it difficult to read, lol, but worth the effort. Oh SO worth the effort. This is such a fantastic take on the theme, I think I’ll be nominating it for Best Use of Theme. Not sure the last line entirely did the poem justice, but that’s just opinion. The list form is a great parody- my favourite is “Spare lucky underpants.” Short, but saying so very much, and to great comedic effect.
COCKTAIL: My outstanding favourite part of this is the woman drinking her drink, and your description of it as “her favourite” and the imagery of all this comfort and then her memories causing the drink to become “bitter” and the comfort to drain away, as if she’s poisoned her own pleasure. Very concise but poignant. I think this is a textbook example (if there are textbooks) for a drabble; plot, character, dilemna. There’s such scenery in this, I could see it just perfectly and it’s hard to know whether to like or dislike this woman, but you want to know anyway. Gorgeous.
LUCK IS OVERRATED: Instantly, these two characters pulled me in; I had no idea who they were but you individualised both of them very quickly. I think your dialogue is just a bit patchy here and there, I mean, not very realistic, “We were standing in the same spot, and that filthy puddle water got sprayed all over you!” However, at the end, I did go “Aww” and I never do that, lol. I liked how you kept the relationship vague but the friendliness up and a very comfortable atmosphere; I felt like I wanted to spend time with your characters. And though it took me a while to get, I really like the joke at the beginning.
2:36: Blimey, I know 4:48 Psychosis so I went into this drabble with some trepidation. But for the same reason I liked the accuracy of that title, so I like the accuracy in this, because it is a time that would stick. I think you go a bit melodramatic- “fell to his knees”- but then what do I know, I’ve never been in that situation? The last line is very poetic and heaped up with tragedy. It’s bluntness matches the first line nicely.
BUTTERBEANS: I rue the fact I have never met a butterbean yet but I swear to God, thanks to this drabble, I shall find them! Absolutely blew me away. It is a gorgeous embodiment of gentle superstition, barely noticed. All the subtleties in this contributed to its overall charm; “placate the vengeful ghosts of jellybabies” and the very sweet “They didn’t do anything.” The comparisons were perfect. The wording too. There was a little too much bathos in the last line, I feel, but I can’t think of an alternative at all so maybe I’m wrong it is actually a masterpiece.
BURNING: The structure of this one deeply appealed to me; every sentence sat in the right place and the beat and rhythm was all right. Very satisfying. I’m not sure I would have repeated the ‘twenty one’ line, but maybe firstly “he is a new man”, then “twenty one” and then “a hundred” to imply progression. But really, that last line is a perfect articulation of watching something like that unfold on the news. The whole piece is so wise, it’s so deadpan, yet so filled with compassion. You do it an injustice by calling it angst, because it’s far more articulate and poetic and just fantastic.
WAITING BY YOUR BEDSIDE: The first line introduces us to a whole new aspect of the superstition era, which I like. It’s an informal voice, characterful, and that’s a nice contrast with the rest of the formal third person throughout- it gives the protagonist an inner voice. I really liked where you took this and I reckon you could have taken it even further! Each day could have had another superstition woved in for good or bad, on purpose or not. I love “heavy promise” of the third day, because I think you’ve just coined a perfect literary term for a completely unhopeful hope. The solution to the crisis was lovely and made me squee J
PRIME: Again, I really like the list style; it says so much about someone! (Everyone go and buy Stranger than Fiction!) I took something quite dark away with this; that his superstition is a kind of autism. Sorry if that’s not what you intended. I really liked this, because it shows how a man’s life can operate around numbers and pattern and order. The title echoes throughout with great clarity and I think the fact that it is all to “check everything…is right” is very telling. Beautiful characterisation.
Overall: Wow! I loved this week’s selection loads. It’s 12.45am, but I’m so glad I stayed up because each story brought out such huge personalities. I think you guys have been taking on all the critiques you’ve been given from ours at words_challenge and also your commenters, which is fantastic and it’s really improved. The writing styles were my favourite aspect this time, I think, because there was such astounding poetry in all of them. I like the humour that some of you touched upon and, in contrast, the darkness of others- verging on the gothic, which seems very apt, when Gothicism thrived on superstition. Congratulations all round for another superb set of drabbles!
Thanks to everyone that voted and to my co-mods for taking the time to review. Remember to enter Challenge #14!
The variety of drabbles this week just blew us away; while some were comic in nature, others poetic and some were decidedly dark they were all amazing. Thanks so much for continuing to produce such high quality stories!
1st place:
duckbunny with Butterbeans
Came first in the poll and voted for by all three mods.
...I think you are the only person who could characterise a can of beans so well in only 100 words! You've really added mystery to this ordinary object and it's brilliant how such an insignificant object is surrounded by superstition... - vands88
This is so original and written well, and such an interesting use of a superstition! Such a normal object that is just 'there' with no other random purpose than the fact that it is just 'there' all the time and it becomes a permanant fixture is simplistically brilliant, and very entertaining to read. - _gentlycollapse
2nd place:
cupati with Essentials
Did well in the poll and was voted for by two mods.
This is such a fantastic take on the theme...The list form is a great parody - my favourite is “Spare lucky underpants.” Short, but saying so very much, and to great comedic effect. - eatmywords09
Absolutely brilliant! This writer always amazes me with her interpretation of the prompt and this drabble is fantastic! The last line made me laugh out loud and it's nice to read a light-hearted and fun drabble once in a while. - vands88
3rd place:
duckbunny with Progress
Came second in the poll.
Interesting use of the prompt, I love how it starts and ends with "deep in the dark, something stirred" as it seems so fairytale and gives the drabble that extra little something. - vands88
This reads like an extract from a book, which I find really appealing. The theme was clear, and I loved the way you juxtaposed the past and present time/different time and instantly brought us out into the sunlight, as it were... - eatmywords09
Mod's Choice:
super-six-one with Burning
Voted for by two mods.
The structure of this one deeply appealed to me; every sentence sat in the right place and the beat and rhythm was all right...The whole piece is so wise, it’s so deadpan, yet so filled with compassion. - eatmywords09
I love the descriptions used in this, and the incorportion of the prompt, not using it so much in the literal since but in the form of the song, very well written. - _gentlycollapse
Reviews Comments by vands88:
Watch:
This drabble is certainly an interesting one. I picked up on hints of schizophrenia mainly because of the "all in your head" comments and I thought it worked very well as a piece. The story is very vague, which I believe is intentional and I think no matter how you interpret this drabble the last line is still beautiful. Great job!
Luck Is Overrated:
This one is so realistic, I think we all know someone with a little bad luck and you form some lovely mental pictures of this poor guy getting covered in mud! My favourite line has to be “I’ve got you, don’t I?” as it made me go "awww". Nice job, I liked it a lot.
2:36:
This drabble is heartbreaking, and you've managed to characterise Zachery so well in only a few words. I really feel for this couple and even though your prompt use was a little vague, "clutching the cross" was perfectly placed.
Burning:
Another interesting use of the prompt here, and you've crammed so much emotion in your story that I just want to give the poor man a hug! Well done.
Waiting By Your Bedside:
Brilliant, you mentioned so many superstitions and the fact that she woke on the seventh day adds to the effect excellently. I got a wonderful mental image of George going out collecting clovers all day just because of superstition, and overall I thought it was a good piece!
Twins:
You mentioned so many superstitions in this drabble. I particularly like the one about breaking mirrors as I can imagine children doing that. The last line is beautiful, and it shows such friendship between these twins. Very cute piece!
Reviews by eatmywords09:
WATCH: “It plowed through that red light” is a beautiful line. In fact, I love all the metaphors you use in this; they remind me of a painting, in a way. You’re terribly good in your work at painting imagery. However, please do lengthen your sentences! I understand completely what you’re doing, honest, but give yourself some freedom and let it all pour out. The voice and the person are two very powerful characters and they bounce off each other nicely. I’m not quite sure what you were going for but I think your take on the theme was original and well realised. The repetition of ‘watch’ throughout, too, was deeply haunting.
PROGRESS: This reads like an extract from a book, which I find really appealing. The theme was clear, and I loved the way you juxtaposed the past and present time/different time and instantly brought us out into the sunlight, as it were. “The trees would have to go, of course.” I love how much that ‘of course’ says about Mike and then how the huge strength or power of that thing in the woods is so subtly portrayed. It’s almost as if the superstitions have created the thing themselves. My only real crit is that the opening paragraph does not quite sound like someone speaking; maybe reading aloud perhaps, and maybe you could have said something along those lines. But I really enjoyed this. All the dark undertones add such colour to it!
ESSENTIALS: Yes, your longest vertically, which made it difficult to read, lol, but worth the effort. Oh SO worth the effort. This is such a fantastic take on the theme, I think I’ll be nominating it for Best Use of Theme. Not sure the last line entirely did the poem justice, but that’s just opinion. The list form is a great parody- my favourite is “Spare lucky underpants.” Short, but saying so very much, and to great comedic effect.
COCKTAIL: My outstanding favourite part of this is the woman drinking her drink, and your description of it as “her favourite” and the imagery of all this comfort and then her memories causing the drink to become “bitter” and the comfort to drain away, as if she’s poisoned her own pleasure. Very concise but poignant. I think this is a textbook example (if there are textbooks) for a drabble; plot, character, dilemna. There’s such scenery in this, I could see it just perfectly and it’s hard to know whether to like or dislike this woman, but you want to know anyway. Gorgeous.
LUCK IS OVERRATED: Instantly, these two characters pulled me in; I had no idea who they were but you individualised both of them very quickly. I think your dialogue is just a bit patchy here and there, I mean, not very realistic, “We were standing in the same spot, and that filthy puddle water got sprayed all over you!” However, at the end, I did go “Aww” and I never do that, lol. I liked how you kept the relationship vague but the friendliness up and a very comfortable atmosphere; I felt like I wanted to spend time with your characters. And though it took me a while to get, I really like the joke at the beginning.
2:36: Blimey, I know 4:48 Psychosis so I went into this drabble with some trepidation. But for the same reason I liked the accuracy of that title, so I like the accuracy in this, because it is a time that would stick. I think you go a bit melodramatic- “fell to his knees”- but then what do I know, I’ve never been in that situation? The last line is very poetic and heaped up with tragedy. It’s bluntness matches the first line nicely.
BUTTERBEANS: I rue the fact I have never met a butterbean yet but I swear to God, thanks to this drabble, I shall find them! Absolutely blew me away. It is a gorgeous embodiment of gentle superstition, barely noticed. All the subtleties in this contributed to its overall charm; “placate the vengeful ghosts of jellybabies” and the very sweet “They didn’t do anything.” The comparisons were perfect. The wording too. There was a little too much bathos in the last line, I feel, but I can’t think of an alternative at all so maybe I’m wrong it is actually a masterpiece.
BURNING: The structure of this one deeply appealed to me; every sentence sat in the right place and the beat and rhythm was all right. Very satisfying. I’m not sure I would have repeated the ‘twenty one’ line, but maybe firstly “he is a new man”, then “twenty one” and then “a hundred” to imply progression. But really, that last line is a perfect articulation of watching something like that unfold on the news. The whole piece is so wise, it’s so deadpan, yet so filled with compassion. You do it an injustice by calling it angst, because it’s far more articulate and poetic and just fantastic.
WAITING BY YOUR BEDSIDE: The first line introduces us to a whole new aspect of the superstition era, which I like. It’s an informal voice, characterful, and that’s a nice contrast with the rest of the formal third person throughout- it gives the protagonist an inner voice. I really liked where you took this and I reckon you could have taken it even further! Each day could have had another superstition woved in for good or bad, on purpose or not. I love “heavy promise” of the third day, because I think you’ve just coined a perfect literary term for a completely unhopeful hope. The solution to the crisis was lovely and made me squee J
PRIME: Again, I really like the list style; it says so much about someone! (Everyone go and buy Stranger than Fiction!) I took something quite dark away with this; that his superstition is a kind of autism. Sorry if that’s not what you intended. I really liked this, because it shows how a man’s life can operate around numbers and pattern and order. The title echoes throughout with great clarity and I think the fact that it is all to “check everything…is right” is very telling. Beautiful characterisation.
Overall: Wow! I loved this week’s selection loads. It’s 12.45am, but I’m so glad I stayed up because each story brought out such huge personalities. I think you guys have been taking on all the critiques you’ve been given from ours at words_challenge and also your commenters, which is fantastic and it’s really improved. The writing styles were my favourite aspect this time, I think, because there was such astounding poetry in all of them. I like the humour that some of you touched upon and, in contrast, the darkness of others- verging on the gothic, which seems very apt, when Gothicism thrived on superstition. Congratulations all round for another superb set of drabbles!
Thanks to everyone that voted and to my co-mods for taking the time to review. Remember to enter Challenge #14!