i've been writing more in my paper journal. scribbling. endless lines and lines of despair -- if only it weren't so consuming, this process. yesterday i honestly felt like living again -- felt like all my molecules were pretty much in the room at once -- it's been a long scattering of late. but the feeling only lasts a little while. still, i ( Read more... )

i can't help it and i know it is insane but i am having ridiculous cravings for the very unforgiving midwest. i mean the lake in the early morning, clear enough to see the rocks at the bottom. i mean the lake in the afternoon and the wind rushing over it. i mean the lake in the evening and the hollow glunk glunk it makes as it washes underneath the ( Read more... )

i am a very bad lj citizen in that i hardly even remember to log on anymore, which makes me crap at following all four people who still write here, and it also means that i don't think in paragraphs anymore, only condensed lines for mass consumption. and ultimately those lines must be censored because i've learned by now that you can't write what ( Read more... )

this morning on the BART i had the thought. something would happen to us in the tunnel. it was rush hour. there were many of us, and most of us were standing. i looked around and tried to determine which of us would be civil in the dark fear. i couldn't tell. i couldn't even tell about myself ( Read more... )

so i have been moping. sometimes this takes the form of blubbering unattractively in darkened rooms. sometimes this takes the form of eating a lot of muesli/chocolate chips/kale/salted whatever was there. sometimes i am able to do both at once, which takes coordination, especially after all the dishes have been used. this is not productive, and it ( Read more... )

which is great, except for the horrible hunger that hits you after 8-10 hours that leads to random animalistic snarfing of carbs ( Read more... )

i make plans that aren't promises, and it's wonderful. i came to chicago expecting to pack and leave, to flash by saying hello to a few people and dash away -- and then -- one thing after another -- and yet nothing definite. it's ok.

i have by now done a full cycle of mlas, since i have heard that mla returns to chicago next year. this is the first year since that year (when i hadn't yet published anything or received my degree) that i have had no interviews (significant decline from last year's high of six). i was disappointed -- naturally -- and at this point there is also a ( Read more... )

dear universe, i apologize for being the meanest grumpiest gloomiest unfriendliest bitterest unbeliever of late. i just returned from taiwan a few days ago. taiwan was supposed to be a time of great productivity. i was going to become perfectly chinese and perfectly american and intuit a history of which i have no understanding and become ( Read more... )

when does depression stop being a mood and start being who you are ( Read more... )