there are things i must exorcise. God, may you grant me a way of doing this productively. i am ready to talk.

Last night I dreamt I was in a big theater with many stages. Many of my friends were performing simultaneously. I had to choose which to watch. I didn't have a ticket. I sneaked into a theater and sat down near the back, but my seat was behind a pillar that blocked the stage, and then a train conductor came by to punch the ticket I didn't have. ( Read more... )

I must change my life. I have changed my life. I have not danced in ten days and I don't miss it at all. I've slept in most of those days, and I feel absolutely nothing. I also cannot see anything but horrible hideous gray around me, and I think that is finally real perception. Is this what it's like to be normal. I made a list of things that I ( Read more... )

I had practically forgotten that this place existed, and I'm surprised to discover that I've written on it as recently as I have (that is, within a year). Looking back at my first entries -- I have grown alarmingly little in the last decade. I have been around the world. I have seen so much. And I say to myself, I have changed so much! But I haven' ( Read more... )

another year passes, and things are much the same. i exist, but why? god, i disgust myself.

to what extent are people liable for injuries they cannot see? i realize that i am nowhere near death, but that doesn't stop me from being unhappy that my vision has been permanently compromised. this is not something anyone else can see -- the odd thing is that a broken leg would have caused more of a stir -- and no one ever would have expected ( Read more... )

i am utterly terrified of losing the world i learned to love through my eyes. i'm not sure i'd know what beauty was. or where the world begins and ends. or how i'd take care of myself. or if i'd want to live. these events make a person try to get philosophical, to say, for example, the best poets were blind. but what about all the hobbling ( Read more... )

i want -- oh i want -- to read as i used to read.

i keep getting terrible cravings for elsewhere -- a different way of living and a different way of looking and time to wander. after so many moves in the past two years, i guess i'm confused about why i've been in chicago as long as five months, and i'm tired again of all its familiar corners. and the people are so rude and ugly; i really hate ( Read more... )

last night i slept long enough to dream for the first time in many nights -- weeks -- months. i woke at 1, at 4, at 5 -- i dreamt i was being chased and fled through the backyards and staircases of other people's houses -- swam joyously, buoyantly in seawater -- lost articles of clothing one by one. all typical anxiety dream elements -- but i ( Read more... )