his father died. this man was so kind. how to describe him? he's nothing so common as a teddy bear, but he was one, with his thick white woolly hair and pouchlike cheeks. with his ready gentleness, his open smile. he did not suspect me. he embraced me before his son did, folding me into a huge warm hug when they were leaving. he insisted on ( Read more... )

one that i could tell but will not: how everyone at work was a super lame jerk this week and how i had to clean up after them while taking all the blame ( Read more... )

Monday I was in a state of something like psychosis -- this happens to me most strongly when something good has happened, and I don't know how to manage it, and I'm very, very tired, and my mind is wound up too tightly, and I believe the world, the whole world, hates me. I behaved like a beast to everyone who crossed my path. And then I ( Read more... )

the other thing that happened today is that i took my boot to mr. t's shoe repair on 53rd street. i won't say the number of years i have lived in hyde park; needless to say, i had no idea the place existed. you walk in, and a woman wearing a turban and looking like a voodoo queen greets you (in chinese, if you are me) and tells you that you are " ( Read more... )

today i came home at 12:30pm, and there was a man in a leather jacket standing in the hallway talking to a man that i was sure was the police. it was the police. i passed by, because i think this is what you are supposed to do, not interfere in laws and crimes that don't belong to you. i was in and out in less than 20 minutes, probably, and the ( Read more... )

1. raspberries are one of the most amazingly delicious foods ever!
2. i love my bike!!
3. i love dancing!!!
4. i am totally obsessed with the shapes and shadows of leafless trees!!!!

forgiveness seems difficult but feels easy. i hope i remember this.

today several things happened. i attended my first board meeting at the journal. years ago, this might have been difficult -- painful, even -- to sit at a table silently among those who had been my judges, taking minutes. but it was not so horrible -- not horrible at all. after all these years, i have a sense of humor (it can't be anything but ( Read more... )

when i finished my degree, i secretly hoped for a year to write and dance. this year, i got that wish -- it turns out that both are difficult. i wrote, but slowly and tortuously, with long periods of absolutely nothing (typical). i danced -- and it certainly wasn't a year of ecstasy. it was a year of doubt, pain, despair, uncertainty, and many ( Read more... )

Must remember that my choices are significantly different depending on whether I feel like crumpling myself up and blowing away or whether, like I was for a brief hour today, entirely thrilled to be myself, alive. As usual, I can't figure out which one is sanity.