Hello Livejournal!
Hello Computer!
Now I have all my photos and pieces back.
And a screen wider than 3 inches.
It's Vagina :: time!

I have fucked up majorly.
I have lost all my friends and alienated everyone else.
No one will speak to me.
I'm black and blue.
So.
I'm quitting drinking, smoking, everything.
I'm finding a new job and getting the fuck out of here.
If I didn't hate myself so much, I would kill myself.
But I feel I deserve this misery so I can't.
And I do deserve it.

"Experience is not what happens to you. It is what you do with what happens to you. "
- Aldous Huxley

right?
sometimes life makes me dizzy. the magical mystery tour took a wrong turn.

but it feels like i just left the bell jar ...

here's the thing about the edge: if there's no one to pull you back from it, after a while curiosity will get the best of you and you'll walk on over it.
which is where you'll find me.

by now, everyone's aware of my life as a fuck-up.
but i'm adding a new moniker now: vain.

because while i don't ask "how could anyone love me?" i do ask, "how can anyone ( Read more... )

god's cruel sense of humor affirmed.

well, the time has come ( Read more... )

for a while, i could have sworn i was okay.

i pressed forward with an uncharacteristic determination and patience that didn't waver.
but now i find i'm asking myself: "what for?"
it's not the weight of the world pressing down on me, but the weight of my decisions, the weight of my own worth that's crippling me. i feel like i'm packed so tightly with ( Read more... )

first saturday night off/unbusy in a long time.
i'm going to lay on the bed and stare at the ceiling and simply listen to music,
which i've missed.
which is all i've ever wanted anyone to do with me.
but which i love no matter what.

do you ever find yourself staring in quiet disbelief that someone older than you can be so childish?
i get so irritated ( Read more... )

all i ever feel about my life lately is an uncertainty akin to numbness.

sometimes i think i represent the suffering of every age. i portrayed the crisis of age 7 just as adequately as i did the trauma of age 16.
i'm always confused and unsure and searching for some hulking creature just skirting the edge of the shadows. is it greatness? is it ( Read more... )