i got the gig.  detox works.  even if it says to stay clear for 48 hours prior.  i was ready to tell 'em that i havn't smoked since middle school. 

when i think about it, i have changed a lot in the last 5 years.  i think i have changed a lot in the last couple of months.  i'm sure this is a good thing as it is all a learning experience. 

ambition.  i don't think it's that i don't have any.  it's just that i don't want to fit anything because of something like school or a carreer.  i'm figuring out that i'll just have to put up with stuff and shrug it off.  but i'm too delicate.  something like that can build up and explode.  then i'm back to trying to figure things out ( Read more... )

sometimes i get mad like dean moriarty.  i want to blame my indulgence in the bottle, but that is wrong.  i can only blame myself.  but it does follow, atleast to myself,  that if i drink less, i am less likely to go on a streak. 

gad my brain is messed up.  but i'm over thinking about forgiveness.  it's all about retribution in the silliest, stupid, half-headed, and pointless ways that satisfy me.  and in the morning, i wake up with a hangover, but a smile nonetheless because of my mischief ( Read more... )

self-preservation.  that's the theme i need to stick to.  

so i thought i was going to join the navy.   it's really not for me.  it never was.  and i don't care for new year resolutions, but unfortunatelyy time is now, and now is the time.   so i'm going to do what i have to do.  and what that is, i havn't pin pointed down yet.  but i guess i can start cleaning my room.  making more music.  not ( Read more... )

sometimes i read my old posts to see what has changed.  i feel like i'm not going anywhere and its hopeless.  so i'm considering signing my life away.  i've been considering it for a while now.  i need to make a decision soon, so now its the only thing i think of.  trying to find all the pros and cons.  weighing it over and over.  i'm fragile and ( Read more... )

one of the last things i said to her was that i was over it.  it was no big deal.  i can handle it.  no strings attached.

then like a ghost, she dissapears.  and i wondered if i really talked to her or if i just imagined the whole thing.  how funny is that?  there is no trace of her. 

talking.  fucking.  listening.  driving.  watching.  yelling.  hitting.  screaming.  masterbating.  skating.  playing.  sleeping.  eating.  self-medicating.  abstaining.  running.  bouncing.