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1 story for each progeny from lately
stopped at a stoplight. 4 people are in the crosswalk in front of us.
14: (pointing) omg, it's just like walking on sunshine!
me: um wut
her: you know, those 4 people are walking the same distance apart, at the same pace, with the sun shining on them just the right way, just like the album cover!
me: uh.... are you trying to reference abbey road?
( Read more... ) -
together again
i've had a few dreams of you but haven't had the energy to write them down. i wish i had. they hurt then, but now i realize how precious they are.
we were in a big house, someone's vacation house. you were reclined on a couch and i lay down to cuddle with you. it didn't make sense that you were there, i knew you were gone, but i just accepted it ( Read more... ) -
2x4 to the face moments this week
walking past the fancy ribeyes at the grocery store
watching the look in tevye's eyes when his 2nd and 3rd daughter leave him in fiddler on the roof
hearing a friend recount her devastating pain of discovering her marriage is over
why is grief so weird
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monday, 5/8/23
my dreams were stressful. julius asked me if they were about my dad, and knowing they weren't, i immediately started shaking my head but then out of my mouth came the phrase, unbidden, "maybe metaphorically." but i wasn't thinking that at all, so it confused me. only after thinking about it did i realize that it was true, and my subconscious was ( Read more... ) -
tuesday, 4/19/23
it's almost been a month. life continues to happen but sometimes isn't in color.
last week i woke up and you had been with me in my dream. you looked like yourself but not like yourself. and by that i mean you looked like the you of 15-20 years ago. you sat easily and breathed easily. smiled easily. i don't remember anything of what you said, just ( Read more... ) -
4/6/23
why is it that looking at all the old photos doesn't hurt, but these dumb things do
noticing the expiration date on the juice
pulling a pen he recently used out of the container and writing with it
when a faceless representative from a call to take him off an insurance policy had a visceral reaction and had to take a moment to calm herself down. ( Read more... ) -
tuesday, 4/4/23
the other night i realized i hadn't looked at the online obituary guestbook. i was reading stuff, totally fine, everything is fine, and then i got to the last one and had a reaction like being hit in the face with a chair. i started hyperventilating and shaking my head violently. it was terrifying and i got rid of it. that's what it felt like. ( Read more... ) -
saturday, 4/1/23
more thoughts on yesterday.
i was shaking with rage when we arrived.
time seemed to pass strangely- like slowed down and sped up by turns. i kept losing time. felt like a movie.
i couldn't process instructions very well, i felt like susan's 17 year old dog, who i see walking around the house sometimes, getting to a wall and then not knowing what to ( Read more... ) -
friday, 3/31/23
today was
rage
performing
politeness
gray rain.
but the breeze off the river felt really good.
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thursday, 3/30/23
the azaleas are all starting to die and fall. but all it's doing is taking the vividness of the bushes and spreading it wide across the ground.
the sky was the exact color of your eyes today.