2x16 The Long Goodbye, II
( back to part 1 )
Some other dark corridor. Evil!Shep steps cautiously through the room, semi-whispering a "Ronon, you in there?" Since Evil!Shep isn't equipped with a life signs detector, this can only mean one thing -- Ronon SUCKS at hide and seek. He tells Ronon that he came to the armory -- I'm guessing since there's a rack of weapons behind the Big Dumb Teddy Bear -- specifically to find him. He's all, "Don't shoot. I've got this Great Plan of Evil, er, Awesome." And even in the dark, the Lip Lick of Shepness is unmistakable. Despite not getting a response, he wants to know what kind of lies Caldwell's been spreading about him and Lizzie. Ronon finally speaks up, and Evil!Shep tries the same tactic Evil!Lizzie tried on Major Dimples -- casting doubt on Caldwell's true intentions. Ronon's not as smart as Major Dimples, so he obviously doesn't cry foul at this. Nor does he mention the lack of namegasms when Evil!Shep mentions Lizzie's name. Manly Man, using brains: "So who cut the power?" Evil!Shep: "...D'oh!" And then there's more lip licking and lip chewing, which totally derails my thoughts. That's fine since it's Ronon's turn to speak again, and we've already concluded that while pretty to look at, we really don't need to actually listen to what he says. Evil!Shep's all, "I'm just trying to stay alive, dammit. And I trust you." Ooh, sneaky, since Evil!Shep knows that the Ronon-puppy just wants to be trusted and loved.
According to Evil!Shep, Ronon's the only one he trusts not to shoot him on sight. Ronon: "What about Weir?" Hmm, maybe the Big Puppy is a lot smarter than I gave him credit for. If it's a test, Evil!Shep fails magnificently when he answers with a "Her you can shoot." When this gets a WTF reaction out of Ronon, Evil!Shep quickly backpedals that he only wants Lizzie stunned, not actually killed. Ha! Even Ronon knows the real Shep would never ever hurt Lizzie in a million years. Ronon's a Sparky shipper, too! Ronon contemplates this, but when asked, Evil!Shep admits that he can't prove beyond a doubt that he's actually Shep. Which he's not. Upon hearing this admittance, Ronon rounds the corner with Belle ready for action. "What would Sheppard watch on TV?" he asks, as if Evil!Shep couldn't just probe Shep's mind for that answer. Evil!Shep rolls his eyes all, "Dumb puppy, the Alien Consciousness is in my head and knows all my answers." The Real Shep: "Not football, not football, not--" Evil!Shep: "Anyway, it's football." The Real Shep: "D'OH!" Poor stupid Ronon's all, "Only the real Sheppard would admit that he knows the answer because the alien consciousness can read his brain and, therefore, possibly trick me into believing it's him when it's not... Okie! You're real!" Ack! Circular logic confuses the Angry Monkey, you see. Kudos to Evil!Shep for baffling the hell out of Ronon. He asks for help in locating Evil!Lizzie before the others do, but Ronon's still wary of the entire Plan of Awesome. He smartly asks for Evil!Shep's gun, just in case he's been duped. Evil!Shep has only one request: "Can I keep my stunner?" And dear god, if that line delivery didn't crack me up. Ronon allows him that much since it's harmless anyway, and then grabs a Gameboy Life Signs Detector and some night-vision goggles.
Another one of those cool exterior swooshes, this time at night. Evil!Lizzie runs up some stairs, evading a passing security team. Once the coast is clear, she rejoins the cat and mouse chase with Evil!Hot!Shep. In a pitchblack corridor not too far away, Evil!Shep and Ronon make a really bad fashion statement with their funky night-vision goggles. The Gameboy Life Signs Detector is also chirping ridiculously loud. How NO ONE can hear them coming from a mile away is another one of TV's great mysteries. Other than allowing us another opportunity to drool over two gorgeous men, nothing much happens in this scene.
In the Power Room (who named this room? Ford?), Rodney's playing Good News/Bad News with Skinner over the radio. Good news: ZPM's still intact. Bad news: The control system's shit after someone -- gee, wonder who -- busted it with some well-placed weapon's fire. Bad news: Rodney just got there so he has no clue as to the extent of the damage or how long it'll take him to fix it. Good news: Evil!Shep's not so evil after all, since he didn't kill the marines. Yay, I always thought Thalan wasn't quite as psychotic as Phoebus. Who knows, maybe he even loved her -- seriously, where's my fic? More good news: This episode RAWKS. But some bad news: This will probably be the longest recap known to man.
Another dark hallway. More loud beeping miraculously NOT giving away their position. And then Ronon's large biceps come around the corner and assault me, but that's okay because I'm perfectly willing to let them. Evil!Shep's biceps aren't as visible, what with the sleeves and the field dressing, but I didn't realize his shirt got ripped on that sleeve. Hmm, lick. Evil!Shep whispers that Evil!Lizzie isn't there and that they should keep moving. So Ronon stupidly follows him, but why shouldn't he when he's been conned into thinking his master is back? Or maybe the Angry Monkey isn't so dumb and knows he's really got Evil!Shep with him, but thinks maybe he can use Evil!Shep to lure Evil!Lizzie and then capture them together. OR MAYBE I'm way over-thinking this one and giving Ronon and the writers too much credit. In any case, they cautiously make their way through what appears to be a cargo hold. And LO! There's Evil!Lizzie hiding behind some crates. Evil!Shep, along with his beeping locator beacon, steps behind a crate just as Ronon unknowingly steps out from behind another... sees Evil!Lizzie waiting... and tries to dive for cover. Seeing only a blur of a manly man, she starts shooting, spins around, and catches Evil!Shep aiming his stunner at her from the other side of a huge crate. She hurries for cover, firing off a few rounds at him, as he shoots a couple of Blue Blasts of Stun toward her. They've both got horrible aim, and I can't decide whether they're actually trying to kill each other or just going through the motions. Having reached an impasse, she quickly retreats and flees.
On the floor bleeding to death from a stomach wound is poor gullible Ronon. Evil!Shep's not too impressed with Ronon's warrior skills -- even manly men cry a little after taking a couple rounds of P-90 bullets in the gut, you know -- and mock-apologizes for using him as bait. Ultimately, the plan failed because he had a toy for a weapon. When Ronon tries to reach for Belle, Evil!Shep steps on his hand (ouch!) and confiscates Belle for himself. Ronon: "Whu-huh, you're not Shep?" Evil!Shep: "I can't believe you fell for it, stupid puppy." He admits to Ronon that -- and pay attention now, for this is very important -- the Real!Shep is "screaming in my head right now, like you wouldn't believe." Because Shep is Shep no matter what consciousness is stuck in his brain with him, he radios for a medical team before running off to play more awesome badass games with Evil!Lizzie. Ronon is left to woobie alone. Silly puppy, didn't you know that playing with these Earthlings is DANGEROUS?
Poll
Lantis at night. It's not as pretty as it usually is because the city knows that its leaders are not themselves. Sadness. In the control room, Sgt. Chuck sits at his laptop and registers an account on the Sparky forums because just like Grodin before him, he's the Keeper of All Sheppard/Weir Rumors. Skinner interrupts him in mid-post about some of the juicier Atlantis gossip in order to ask about the call for help. Ever suspicious, Skinner orders the responding medical team to exercise caution. Then he triggers his own radio for a Power Room Update. Rodney: "I'm slow, okay? Sheesh." Skinner: "Forget aesthetics, h0r, just do it." Rodney: "Gee. I was going to put in new pretty colored wiring, too." Carson, who's still hanging around with Rodney, because the R/C Anvils tell him to, is all, "Make love, not war. Just talk them to death or until they turn themselves in." Skinner: "Uh, yeah, that's why you're a doctor, and I'm a fucking Colonel. Get yer ass back to the infirmary." Finally tasked with something important to do, Carson heads back to his domain. But not before placing a hand on Rodney's shoulder. Okay, this is such an overt anvil, that I really don't even need to say anything about it -- the anvils are laughing at me, anyway. Evil bastards. Of course, like some relationships, Carson's only putting out to get something he wants, mainly light in the infirmary to do his job. Rodney can't guarantee it yet, but you can bet he'll be working his ass off to fulfill that request. *nods*
The Music of Suspense is turned up as Evil!Lizzie fusses with some pipes. Please remember her actions here, for I am sure it is foreshadowing a plot point that will occur later in the episode. The camera starts zipping through the cargo hold in fast-mo. Until... eep! There's Teyla, stalking Evil!Lizzie from a respectable distance. How... boring. More hand-to-hand combat, dammit!
Beckett rushes into a dark operating room. Without power, Redshirt Marines have to hold up flashlights to light the surgical area. One of the military extras gives him the lowdown, but since the diagnosis is obvious, thank god this guy isn't a medic. Carson then orders him to grab a few more "torches," to which the extra's all, "Er, wtf's a torch? Speak English, dude." And this pretty much highlights one of my fic peeves -- for the love of all that is fic-worthy, please make sure you use the correct cultural idioms when writing. Shep, for instance, wouldn't ride the bloody lift; he'd take the fucking elevator. See? By the way, for those of you who don't know, a torch is a flashlight. Here's another example. Beckett growls us out of the scene with an exasperated, "Bloody Dark Ages." Using the Idiom Translator, that would be: "Fucking budgetary constraints." Easy peasy.
From the base of the central tower, Teyla checks in with Skinner. As expected, Skinner says he'll send reinforcements, for surely tiny Teyla couldn't possibly handle a capture by herself, right? Teyla pooh-poohs the implication of his offer, but she does admit that even though she can handle Evil!Lizzie herself (fulfilling someone's girl-on-girl action fantasy), it might be real swell if someone else could take care of Evil!Shep while she's preoccupied. For even when they've been possessed by alien entities bent on killing each other, they are still tethered together with elastic bands. Cut to: Skinner's Look of Oh Noes. Cue: corresponding Music of Oh Noes. Dun dun DUN!
Bamm-Bamm's still on the table. Carson pulls out a teeny tiny bullet. The surgery continues, but not with us.
Evil!Lizzie with a weapon is SEXY like a fucking SEXY thing. The end. She steps into a long hallway. Waiting at the other end? Evil!Shep, crouched behind a crate, ready to ambush anyone who gets in his way. She makes a move toward the center of the room, which sends Teyla out of her hiding place to intercept her. Evil!Shep thinks Teyla's being a big ol' poopy for trying to stop their game of cat and mouse so he zaps her with Belle as soon as she's out in the open. Heh. If he had done that in Season 1, I would probably be high-stepping the Dance of Joy right now. As it is, I just wanna get back to Awesome Evil!Lizzie. Obviously, no one can resist the power of the Belle, so Teyla slumps onto the floor with all the grace of a Teyla heap. It's interesting to note that after shooting Teyla, Evil!Shep thumbs the switch to change Belle from her Stun setting to Kill Like a Badass Mofo. Pissed off at all the interruptions, Evil!Shep growls a "Would you people stop getting in the way!" as he stalks purposefully toward his intended target.
There's a lot of really sexy shooting and yelling back and forth, with Evil!Shep looking so goddamn fucking hot and Evil!Lizzie looking absolutely gorgeous in her psycho-evilness. Because this is a rip of Mr. and Mrs. Smith, it doesn't matter what they're really saying, as it can all be summed up with this little snippet of dialogue ripped shamelessly from the movie. Evil!Lizzie: "You still alive, baby?" There's more shooting back and forth. And then there's hand-to-hand combat. EXCEPT NOT, because TPTB suck. So they exchange more bullets x infinity with their unlimited ammo. BUT! This scene is still pretty damn hot. Not only did my panties poof, all my clothes combusted while watching this scene. MMMMMRawr.
The next scene isn't important. Just know that McKay fixes the control system in the Power Room, and even though he says he's only "attempting a partial power-up," the entire city lights up gorgeously in what's probably the power-down clip from "Seige, Part 2." Reversed. The scene right after that is even less important. There's something about Beckett saving Ronon's life. As if he wouldn't. Pfft.
With the power back on, Evil!Lizzie's in a precarious position, especially with Evil!Shep closing in on her. Evil!Shep: "Come on, honey. Come to daddy." She hurriedly closes the door between them and disables the control just as he fires. Evil!Lizzie: "Who's your daddy now?" And then they dun sex. EXCEPT NOT! Because there's a door in the way. Whatever. I'm waiting for the scene where Shep starts singing along to Air Supply. Anyway... Annoyed at these stalling techniques, he huffs a "There's more than one way in, Phoebus." Hee. DIRTY. With access to all of Shep's memories, Evil!Shep knows just how Lizzie likes it. And because he'd like to go in right now, if possible, he takes off at a sprint. Yummy. I can watch Shep running laps around me all day long and never get tired of it.
Unfortunately for everyone, Evil!Lizzie has conveniently locked herself in a lab with a computer that has network access. DOOM! She initiates a lockdown of the city, because that's what evil psychos do at times like this, and nearly crushes McKay between the closing control room doors. Heh. It could have been worse -- the annoying repetitive sound of klaxons finally nudges Teyla awake and her head just misses getting smushed between two closing doors. Dammit. Ah well, I'll just manually squish her head with my fingers. *squish squish* While I'm doing that, poor Evil!Shep is pounding the pavement, but alas, doesn't make it through one set of doors before it shuts in his face. DENIED!
In the control room, Skinner attempts an override. According to Rodney, who wishes they would just find a way to interface with his brain so he can forgo explaining things all the time, bitches and moans that they should have locked out their leaders' codes before things went completely shitty. DUH. Despite Rodney's awesome attempts at hacking into the system, he can't invalidate the code NOW when it's too late. Hindsight, she's a bitch. Rodney snarks a "Somebody should have thought of that, huh?" Well, yeah, I just did. Skinner's no dummy, all, "If you mean me, then just say me and get to the point." When Skinner exasperatedly asks if Rodney can hack the system, McKay conceits a "You do know who you're talking to, right?" With the head swagger for emphasis. Skinner: "So that's a yes?" Rodney: "Duh." Then Skinner rolls his eyes and pimpslaps him back into line. Or not. Rodney brags that he'll do it, but only using his command code. When Skinner mistakenly takes this as another dig at his former Goa'ulded life, Rodney sniffs that it's a "sixteen digit alphanumeric code that I will have to enter God knows how many times and I haven't gotten around to memorizing yours yet." Jesus. 16 digits alphanumeric? Some days, I can't even remember my own phone number -- though, in my defense, how many times do you ever have to call yourself? Anyway, Skinner's all, "STFU and do it already." Which is subtext for "Let's leave the power struggles in bed, okie?" So Rodney does. And the love affair of Caldwell/McKay goes on and on and on.
Poll
Evil!Lizzie in her hidden evil!lab contacts Skinner to boast about having all of Atlantis under her sexy little finger. Just where all the men of Atlantis like to be, if I recall correctly. There's a bunch of taunting where, among other things, she threatens to fuck with the life support and other essential functions, but since they live in a city that's on a planet with perfectly breathable air... what life support? Then, purely for shits and giggles, Evil!Lizzie with that one Sexy Curl of Awesome, takes the knife in Skinner's back and twists it a couple of times before sprinkling a liberal amount of salt into the open wound while rubbing "Critical Mass" in his face. Completely whipped, he asks for her list of demands. Because Evil!Lizzie is a Sparky shipper at heart, her wish list is simple: "I want Sheppard." Don't we all? Skinner plays dumb: "Sheppard? Never heard of him." Evil!Lizzie: "Ever hear of Weir? She's dead if you fuck with me." Skinner: "..." To offer him some options, Sgt. Chuck, in his biggest speaking episode ever, points out that Evil!Shep and Teyla are located in the same section of the city. Armed with this information, Skinner contacts his secret weapon to update her on Evil!Lizzie's whereabouts and then orders her to take care of Evil!Shep. She's all, "No problemo, Chief," and skips off to do that.
Upstairs, Evil!Shep waves stupidly at the door sensors, but sadly, his magic wand is at home and he can't get anything to work. Annoyed, he contacts Evil!Lizzie. "Another stalemate, wtf? We've only got 12 minutes left to finish this, and we still need to let Shep and Lizzie have a real resolution or something." Evil!Lizzie's all, "What's wrong, Thalan? You can't get out?" Which triggers an anxiety attack in Shep, because there was that one time... well... needless to say, Carson is very discreet when he makes housecalls. Anywho, peeved at Evil!Lizzie neenering him, he disables a door and exerts the Super Power of Arm Porn to crack them open, and omg, look at those biceps. Yummmmmmmm. And AHAHAHAHA. Just as half of his body is wedged between the doors, there's Teyla waiting for him. Evil!Shep: "Oh, shit." Teyla: *zaaaap!* *maniacal laughter* Everyone else: "LAME!"
Fade in: gorgeous nighttime view of Atlantis, all lit up and pretty. In her Evil Lab of Awesome, Evil!Lizzie is getting impatient, wanting to know what the hold up is. After all, she knows that Shep, in any form, is easy when a pretty girl is dangled before him. You also have to wonder, with her unlimited access to all of Atlantis, wouldn't she have already seen Teyla capture Evil!Shep on one of the surveillance feeds? Oh, I know, thinking too logically. Anyway, Rodney pouts at Skinner because he's not ready yet, making this one of the rare times he's not ranting and raving at a superior. To reward him, Skinner stalls for time. Evil!Lizzie rolls her eyes and tries to make him cry with an insulting "Even Weir thinks you're hopeless; she can't hide it," before evil-chuckling at her own awesomeness. And then Skinner cries -- you can't see it though, because he's man enough to keep it on the inside, lest all his military buddies laugh at him and then give him a swirlie later. Well, no one's going to be laughing when Evil!Lizzie reroutes the halon fire suppressant system from Hazmat storage into the personnel quarters. Skinner and McKay: "Aw, shit."
Phoebus is a cold-hearted bitch, reminding them that Lizzie had an issue with the halon system, because it "extinguishes people as well as fire." However, according to a number of Googled sites, halon has a low-toxicity that is safe for human exposure, though the MSDS for it does state that acute exposure for a long period of time may cause death. Hmm. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle. (GI Joe!) Evil!Lizzie: "5... 4... 3..." Skinner: "Mercy! Dear god, mercy!" Evil!Lizzie: "MWAHAHAHA." That one Dangling Wayward Curl of Evil: "I am the sex, oh, yes I am." It's ridiculous how hot one curl of hair falling into her eyes can be, isn't it? She directs them to place Evil!Shep in front of a security camera, "kicking and screaming if possible, please." Because Sparky likes it rough. So Teyla drags Evil!Shep to the agreed upon location. Evil!Lizzie smugs a "I'm not surprised that you're the only one who managed to get to him," but since we've already gone over the whole Shep Is Easy For SpaceH0rs bit earlier, and the fact that everyone knew Teyla was the only one in the area, we can move on.
Poll
In the control room, Skinner bitches at McKay to work faster. With his genius reputation at stake, McKay bitches right back about how the stupid marines couldn't track two people. Skinner points out that Shep and Lizzie "probably know this city better than anyone else" -- as a result of their So Doing It In Closets Tour of the city. Skinner also points out for the record that he was against all of this from the start, and McKay can't counter that because, well, it's true. Wow, a really competent Skinner... and obviously not a Sparky shipper, not officially, anyway. Go figure.
Evil!Shep finally regains consciousness. Meanwhile, the Shep!Hair still looks EXACTLY THE SAME even though Teyla used his body as a mop for however far she had to drag him. Shep focuses on convincing Teyla he's the real Sheppard. Teyla: "Pffft. Who do you think I am? Ronon? I'm not stupid." Shep: "No, really, it's me. Scout's honor." From the PA system, Evil!Lizzie scoffs at his awful attempt at acting. Shep's eyes lock onto the camera, and for someone who's supposedly The Real Sheppard, Evil!Shep segues rather effortlessly back into his evil persona when addressing Evil!Lizzie, who smiles and makes the cutest head tilt ever, completely amused. She watches him on her screen, entertained by his "look of defeat that I love." He's all, "Nope, still hatred." And in the control room, Sgt. Chuck draws a Venn Diagram to help the crew understand the fine line between love and hate, all, "These two are so doing it, even with the alien entities eating their brains."
Evil!Lizzie finally admits that she's satisfied with how this is playing out, or in other words, there's only 8 minutes left in the episode and they need to wrap it up. Like now. To help facilitate some kind of climactic event, she orders Teyla to kill him. Teyla: "Er..." Evil!Shep pretty cheekily throws back: "Pffft." And Evil!Lizzie, looking all sorts of intense and sexy: "Die, h0r! Or I will kill everyone else." Skinner, McKay and Chuck: "Holy shit, this chick is keraaaaaazy." Teyla's all, "OMGWTFBBQGAS." Chuck calmly points out, "Er, dudes? Remember when she was messing with the pipes a couple hundred pages back in the recap? Yeah. Bad stuff." Teyla: "Fuck." She does some mental math to see how many people will be affected when Skinner tells her, "Does it matter? Stop her!" Teyla: "Double fuck." There's something about a Pyrrhic victory and why that means Thalan needs to eat dirt, but it doesn't matter. Phoebus is incredibly demented. And that, my friends, is incredibly hot on her.
On the flip side, Evil!Shep is also really hot, all tied up like that, and the close-up of his face when he implores Teyla not to believe Evil!Lizzie -- I go to bed dreaming of that face. Evil!Lizzie's all, "Blah blah blah, I'll be in excruciating pain and convulse and all this fun stuff, and then Lizzie Weir will be back to normal." Teyla: "You are sick, you know that, you freak?" Ultimately, it sucks to be Teyla. She uses Pegasusian New Math to weigh her options, but no matter how much she tries to fuck up the math, killing Evil!Shep to save three-quarters of the expedition is a no-brainer. However, she's forgotten that the expedition is composed mainly of extras, and redshirts come cheap in Vancouver. In a last ditch effort to save himself, Evil!Shep appeals to the sucker in Teyla, all, "If you kill me, you're killing him. He cares for you more than you know." Hello, of course John cares for Teyla -- they're friends. Of course, it's certainly possible that he could be referring to a secret love for her, borne out of a lack of any significant screen time with her this entire season. Or, much more logically, it could just be déjà vu tactics to when he said anything and everything to lull Ronon into thinking it was really him. To be fair, since it's not really Shep, even if he had said it to Lizzie in this scene, I wouldn't have found it shippy either. Interestingly enough, the camera cuts to a Rodney reaction instead of Teyla's, and poor Rodney is all confused and dumbfounded because does this mean he can't collect on the Sparky bet?
The next sequence of dialogue goes like this. Teyla: "I don't believe you, omg, but *wibble* anyway." Evil!Shep: "Der, then don't kill me." She pleads with Evil!Lizzie not to force her into murdering Shep, knowing that Lizzie will kill herself with grief once she regains her senses. Poor Lizzie; what she must be really thinking while trapped in her own body! Evil!Lizzie: "For god's sake, shut up and shoot him." Skinner tries to offer some advice, which is basically, "We are so incredibly screwed right now. I'm not telling you what to do, because I am not taking responsibility for killing off the hottest man in the Pegasus Galaxy. But did I mention how screwed we are?" Evil!Lizzie: "A Lizzie by any other name, is still gonna get what she wants because she's awesome. So just do it."
There's a lot of really dramatic music playing, but the best part of this entire sequence is that Teyla finally raises the P-90 and aims it at Shep's pretty head. There's a staring contest, which Evil!Shep breaks to taunt Teyla with a "Sheppard doesn't believe you'll do it. LALALA." Dude, so not the right thing to say at a tense moment like this. In answer to the taunt, Teyla chambers a round, all, "Oh, yeah? Forgive me, John." Which makes this a grand total of three times she's ever called him by his name. That's true love, yo. She's gonna need some serious therapy sessions with Heightmeyer after killing the man who saved her from the Wraith. Gratitude, I tell ya. Evil!Shep's eyes: "Fuck." Thank god Rodney hasn't stopped working on the computer and has finally overridden Lizzie's code. Skinner scrambles to inform Teyla not to shoot, and Teyla is eternally grateful because the paperwork would have been a bitch. Evil!Shep breathes a sigh of relief and face-acts the "wow, I really am the luckiest SOB in the Pegasus Galaxy." Evil!Lizzie is pissed. Like really pissed. She breaks a couple of really expensive toys and storms out of the lab, hell-bent on destruction, which is just the way we love her. While she's fleeing, everyone else scrambles to stop her. Teyla moves to join the chase, but Evil!Shep calls her back and tries to sweet-talk her into releasing him. And then he goes into the Constipated Face of Excruciatingly Painful Convulsions. I'd laugh, but the arm porn is killing me. Did his biceps start inflating in this scene, or am I hallucinating?
Anyway, Evil!Lizzie is running like a fiend through the halls of Atlantis, dodging and evading security teams. Wheee! She does this one handed firing/spinning move that's a hundred kinds of awesome. But then, everything Action!Weir does is pretty damn awesome. Back in the hallway of constipation, Shep finally finishes orgasming on the floor. Teyla pokes him with her foot, all, "quit faking it." Shep yawns that he won't bother persuading her it's really him since she won't believe him anyway. It's a valid assumption, because there's no way to know for sure that he didn't fake it when Evil!Lizzie already announced to the whole world what should happen when they change over again. It's possible with Thalan's weaker life signs that Shep changed back before Lizzie, but it's also possible that he's trying to guilt her into releasing him. What's even more likely is that I'm just way over-thinking this entire episode. In any case, he's right; Teyla doesn't believe him. Which is fine, because Evil!Lizzie finally appears and orders Teyla to step away from the pretty, for he is hers. With her back to Evil!Lizzie, she surreptitiously passes the Wraith stunner to Shep, who pretends to be unconscious. Evil!Lizzie's all, "I'd shoot you if I knew how many bullets I had left," but I don't think she should let that stop her. Ronon might be sad, though, but he'll get over it.
Once the stunner exchanges hands, Teyla finally moves away. Evil!Lizzie and her Evil!Curl of Sexy Hair step toward Shep, all, "Unconscious or not, I want to see his face." So Shep obliges by sitting up and stunning her in one fluid movement. Evil!Lizzie: "RAR! Foiled again, damn you!" And then she collapses into a cute Lizzie heap. While Shep's eyes are glued to Lizzie, Teyla punt kicks the stunner out of his hands. Team Dimples arrives, apologizing profusely for taking the day off, er, getting stuck in a corridor. Shep turns his beautiful eyes on Teyla, curious as to how she knew it was him. Teyla's cold professionalism: "I still do not." Ha. Shep tries to wrap his pretty hair around this whole lack of trust concept, all, "Why'd you give me the stunner, omg?" Well, discounting the fact that the stunner's non-lethal, he "would have shot her either way" because how else would they have ended this episode? And then she flips her hair, sniffs a bit, and turns on her heels. She has to check up on Ronon, duh.
Much later. Lizzie's sleeping in an infirmary bed. Apparently, Shep is so incredibly attuned to her -- or was watching her sleep -- that all she has to do is blink a few times and he's already aware that she's awake. Despite having her face turned away from him. He chirps a "Good morning," much like he does every morning when she wakes up. *las* When she finally turns to see him in their matching His and Hers Scrubs, he's playing Sudoku on his PDA. To break the ice, for she is obviously uncomfortable about what transpired the day before, he remarks that Phoebus decided to be an evil h0r and hung in there for quite awhile, until "sometime in the middle of the night... kicking and screaming." Hmm. Interesting. So Shep knew the exact moment Phoebus went away? Maybe because he was up all night watching over Lizzie? What? Still embarrassed, Lizzie babbles nervously about how "the whole time [she] was shouting but nothing would come out of [her] mouth." I guess this answers the question as to whether either one had any control over their bodies at all. For those of you still confused, that would be a definitive "no," meaning we can't trust anything they said for the past forty minutes or so.
Over in his bed, Shep switches over to Bejeweled and STILL refuses to glance in her direction. He agrees with her assessment, comparing their experience to a "nightmare." And then, because this is Shep and this is Lizzie, he mercilessly teases her with an "especially when you shot Ronon." Can you blame him? After all, Elizabeth and her embarrassment are THE CUTEST THING EVER. Hee. She's all flustered and attempts to defend herself, but he simply "I know, I know"s her just because he really does like to wind her up even though he tries not to show it. I know, for I am wise in the way that crushes work, dammit, but we won't get into how my bastard evil crush totally strung me along in that same exact way for over a year before intervention finally made me see the light. Anywho, this has absolutely nothing to do with me, but I'm not surprised that Lizzie immediately jumps to defend herself, practically flailing from the effort. Men are evil.
Two things that should be noted in this last scene: 1) it's rather telling that for two people who communicate 90% of the time through their eyes and can't NOT look at each other (especially John at Elizabeth), he very studiously uses his PDA to avoid making eye contact with her for almost this entire scene, and 2) despite being desperately in love with Shep in fanon, Teyla and Rodney are nowhere by his side. In fact, they've both taken up vigil at Ronon's bed. The Spanky/Rodney OT3 love is apparently a force to be reckoned with. *lalala*
Lizzie asks, curiously, "Did they believe you were... you?" John admits that the only people he thinks believes can tell for sure when he's his true self are Beckett (because he's his doctor and has medical doodads that tell him so) "and... you." Because John and Lizzie heart each other like whoa. Before Lizzie can yank her leads and jump into bed with him, Skinner interrupts the shippiness to wave his hand around going "Oh, me! Me, too!" He jokes about having been in a similar situation -- that's Goa'uld for those of you who have not been paying attention at all the second half of the season. Lizzie thanks him for taking charge during the whole embarrassing situation, and Shep reveals that Rodney has given him the thumb-porn of approval. And I love that Shep seems kind of hesitant and awkward about admitting this, what with all the head-butting the two have done over past military issues. Skinner yay!s to himself because he's FINALLY one of the gang and teases a "Well, maybe there's still hope for me yet." He's obviously flirting with Lizzie, and Shep's all, "Whu-huh, WTF is going on?" Embarrassed, she's quick to insist that he not believe anything Phoebus might have said. Skinner's all, "Haha, gotcha." Then, because Skinner kind of ROCKS, gets in a last dig, all, "The paperwork on this is going to be a nightmare. Especially that kiss." Shep/Lizzie: "ZOMG." The matching Oh Fuck Looks they give Skinner at the same time... priceless. Gotta love a guy who purposely tries to make our leaders squirm. Hee. Mission accomplished, Skinner leaves, advising them not to kill each other. As if. Then Shep looks over at Lizzie, and Lizzie looks over at Shep, and they both do the cutest simultaneous Head Nods of Hey in acknowledgement of The Kiss. Shep goes back to focusing on everything and anything other than Lizzie, and Lizzie cutely sinks into her bed and dies from mortification. SHE'S SO DAMN ADORABLE, OMG! And yet... NO ONE APOLOGIZED FOR THE KISS. The end.
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Torri was AWESOME in this episode. You could easily distinguish between Elizabeth and Phoebus. And hello, I approve of any episode that lets Elizabeth kick some ass. I'm a little disappointed that we didn't get an actual "Lizzie beats the crap out of John" scene that I thought we were getting, or even a "Lizzie and John face off, John Woo-style," but TLG will still go down as probably my favorite episode of season 2. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go loop the kiss in slow-mo, fast-mo, and normal speed fifty gajillion times. Shocker.
Next week: I spy... Genii! And Lizzie in black. Rawr!
Some other dark corridor. Evil!Shep steps cautiously through the room, semi-whispering a "Ronon, you in there?" Since Evil!Shep isn't equipped with a life signs detector, this can only mean one thing -- Ronon SUCKS at hide and seek. He tells Ronon that he came to the armory -- I'm guessing since there's a rack of weapons behind the Big Dumb Teddy Bear -- specifically to find him. He's all, "Don't shoot. I've got this Great Plan of Evil, er, Awesome." And even in the dark, the Lip Lick of Shepness is unmistakable. Despite not getting a response, he wants to know what kind of lies Caldwell's been spreading about him and Lizzie. Ronon finally speaks up, and Evil!Shep tries the same tactic Evil!Lizzie tried on Major Dimples -- casting doubt on Caldwell's true intentions. Ronon's not as smart as Major Dimples, so he obviously doesn't cry foul at this. Nor does he mention the lack of namegasms when Evil!Shep mentions Lizzie's name. Manly Man, using brains: "So who cut the power?" Evil!Shep: "...D'oh!" And then there's more lip licking and lip chewing, which totally derails my thoughts. That's fine since it's Ronon's turn to speak again, and we've already concluded that while pretty to look at, we really don't need to actually listen to what he says. Evil!Shep's all, "I'm just trying to stay alive, dammit. And I trust you." Ooh, sneaky, since Evil!Shep knows that the Ronon-puppy just wants to be trusted and loved.
According to Evil!Shep, Ronon's the only one he trusts not to shoot him on sight. Ronon: "What about Weir?" Hmm, maybe the Big Puppy is a lot smarter than I gave him credit for. If it's a test, Evil!Shep fails magnificently when he answers with a "Her you can shoot." When this gets a WTF reaction out of Ronon, Evil!Shep quickly backpedals that he only wants Lizzie stunned, not actually killed. Ha! Even Ronon knows the real Shep would never ever hurt Lizzie in a million years. Ronon's a Sparky shipper, too! Ronon contemplates this, but when asked, Evil!Shep admits that he can't prove beyond a doubt that he's actually Shep. Which he's not. Upon hearing this admittance, Ronon rounds the corner with Belle ready for action. "What would Sheppard watch on TV?" he asks, as if Evil!Shep couldn't just probe Shep's mind for that answer. Evil!Shep rolls his eyes all, "Dumb puppy, the Alien Consciousness is in my head and knows all my answers." The Real Shep: "Not football, not football, not--" Evil!Shep: "Anyway, it's football." The Real Shep: "D'OH!" Poor stupid Ronon's all, "Only the real Sheppard would admit that he knows the answer because the alien consciousness can read his brain and, therefore, possibly trick me into believing it's him when it's not... Okie! You're real!" Ack! Circular logic confuses the Angry Monkey, you see. Kudos to Evil!Shep for baffling the hell out of Ronon. He asks for help in locating Evil!Lizzie before the others do, but Ronon's still wary of the entire Plan of Awesome. He smartly asks for Evil!Shep's gun, just in case he's been duped. Evil!Shep has only one request: "Can I keep my stunner?" And dear god, if that line delivery didn't crack me up. Ronon allows him that much since it's harmless anyway, and then grabs a Gameboy Life Signs Detector and some night-vision goggles.
Another one of those cool exterior swooshes, this time at night. Evil!Lizzie runs up some stairs, evading a passing security team. Once the coast is clear, she rejoins the cat and mouse chase with Evil!Hot!Shep. In a pitchblack corridor not too far away, Evil!Shep and Ronon make a really bad fashion statement with their funky night-vision goggles. The Gameboy Life Signs Detector is also chirping ridiculously loud. How NO ONE can hear them coming from a mile away is another one of TV's great mysteries. Other than allowing us another opportunity to drool over two gorgeous men, nothing much happens in this scene.
In the Power Room (who named this room? Ford?), Rodney's playing Good News/Bad News with Skinner over the radio. Good news: ZPM's still intact. Bad news: The control system's shit after someone -- gee, wonder who -- busted it with some well-placed weapon's fire. Bad news: Rodney just got there so he has no clue as to the extent of the damage or how long it'll take him to fix it. Good news: Evil!Shep's not so evil after all, since he didn't kill the marines. Yay, I always thought Thalan wasn't quite as psychotic as Phoebus. Who knows, maybe he even loved her -- seriously, where's my fic? More good news: This episode RAWKS. But some bad news: This will probably be the longest recap known to man.
Another dark hallway. More loud beeping miraculously NOT giving away their position. And then Ronon's large biceps come around the corner and assault me, but that's okay because I'm perfectly willing to let them. Evil!Shep's biceps aren't as visible, what with the sleeves and the field dressing, but I didn't realize his shirt got ripped on that sleeve. Hmm, lick. Evil!Shep whispers that Evil!Lizzie isn't there and that they should keep moving. So Ronon stupidly follows him, but why shouldn't he when he's been conned into thinking his master is back? Or maybe the Angry Monkey isn't so dumb and knows he's really got Evil!Shep with him, but thinks maybe he can use Evil!Shep to lure Evil!Lizzie and then capture them together. OR MAYBE I'm way over-thinking this one and giving Ronon and the writers too much credit. In any case, they cautiously make their way through what appears to be a cargo hold. And LO! There's Evil!Lizzie hiding behind some crates. Evil!Shep, along with his beeping locator beacon, steps behind a crate just as Ronon unknowingly steps out from behind another... sees Evil!Lizzie waiting... and tries to dive for cover. Seeing only a blur of a manly man, she starts shooting, spins around, and catches Evil!Shep aiming his stunner at her from the other side of a huge crate. She hurries for cover, firing off a few rounds at him, as he shoots a couple of Blue Blasts of Stun toward her. They've both got horrible aim, and I can't decide whether they're actually trying to kill each other or just going through the motions. Having reached an impasse, she quickly retreats and flees.
On the floor bleeding to death from a stomach wound is poor gullible Ronon. Evil!Shep's not too impressed with Ronon's warrior skills -- even manly men cry a little after taking a couple rounds of P-90 bullets in the gut, you know -- and mock-apologizes for using him as bait. Ultimately, the plan failed because he had a toy for a weapon. When Ronon tries to reach for Belle, Evil!Shep steps on his hand (ouch!) and confiscates Belle for himself. Ronon: "Whu-huh, you're not Shep?" Evil!Shep: "I can't believe you fell for it, stupid puppy." He admits to Ronon that -- and pay attention now, for this is very important -- the Real!Shep is "screaming in my head right now, like you wouldn't believe." Because Shep is Shep no matter what consciousness is stuck in his brain with him, he radios for a medical team before running off to play more awesome badass games with Evil!Lizzie. Ronon is left to woobie alone. Silly puppy, didn't you know that playing with these Earthlings is DANGEROUS?
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Lantis at night. It's not as pretty as it usually is because the city knows that its leaders are not themselves. Sadness. In the control room, Sgt. Chuck sits at his laptop and registers an account on the Sparky forums because just like Grodin before him, he's the Keeper of All Sheppard/Weir Rumors. Skinner interrupts him in mid-post about some of the juicier Atlantis gossip in order to ask about the call for help. Ever suspicious, Skinner orders the responding medical team to exercise caution. Then he triggers his own radio for a Power Room Update. Rodney: "I'm slow, okay? Sheesh." Skinner: "Forget aesthetics, h0r, just do it." Rodney: "Gee. I was going to put in new pretty colored wiring, too." Carson, who's still hanging around with Rodney, because the R/C Anvils tell him to, is all, "Make love, not war. Just talk them to death or until they turn themselves in." Skinner: "Uh, yeah, that's why you're a doctor, and I'm a fucking Colonel. Get yer ass back to the infirmary." Finally tasked with something important to do, Carson heads back to his domain. But not before placing a hand on Rodney's shoulder. Okay, this is such an overt anvil, that I really don't even need to say anything about it -- the anvils are laughing at me, anyway. Evil bastards. Of course, like some relationships, Carson's only putting out to get something he wants, mainly light in the infirmary to do his job. Rodney can't guarantee it yet, but you can bet he'll be working his ass off to fulfill that request. *nods*
The Music of Suspense is turned up as Evil!Lizzie fusses with some pipes. Please remember her actions here, for I am sure it is foreshadowing a plot point that will occur later in the episode. The camera starts zipping through the cargo hold in fast-mo. Until... eep! There's Teyla, stalking Evil!Lizzie from a respectable distance. How... boring. More hand-to-hand combat, dammit!
Beckett rushes into a dark operating room. Without power, Redshirt Marines have to hold up flashlights to light the surgical area. One of the military extras gives him the lowdown, but since the diagnosis is obvious, thank god this guy isn't a medic. Carson then orders him to grab a few more "torches," to which the extra's all, "Er, wtf's a torch? Speak English, dude." And this pretty much highlights one of my fic peeves -- for the love of all that is fic-worthy, please make sure you use the correct cultural idioms when writing. Shep, for instance, wouldn't ride the bloody lift; he'd take the fucking elevator. See? By the way, for those of you who don't know, a torch is a flashlight. Here's another example. Beckett growls us out of the scene with an exasperated, "Bloody Dark Ages." Using the Idiom Translator, that would be: "Fucking budgetary constraints." Easy peasy.
From the base of the central tower, Teyla checks in with Skinner. As expected, Skinner says he'll send reinforcements, for surely tiny Teyla couldn't possibly handle a capture by herself, right? Teyla pooh-poohs the implication of his offer, but she does admit that even though she can handle Evil!Lizzie herself (fulfilling someone's girl-on-girl action fantasy), it might be real swell if someone else could take care of Evil!Shep while she's preoccupied. For even when they've been possessed by alien entities bent on killing each other, they are still tethered together with elastic bands. Cut to: Skinner's Look of Oh Noes. Cue: corresponding Music of Oh Noes. Dun dun DUN!
Bamm-Bamm's still on the table. Carson pulls out a teeny tiny bullet. The surgery continues, but not with us.
Evil!Lizzie with a weapon is SEXY like a fucking SEXY thing. The end. She steps into a long hallway. Waiting at the other end? Evil!Shep, crouched behind a crate, ready to ambush anyone who gets in his way. She makes a move toward the center of the room, which sends Teyla out of her hiding place to intercept her. Evil!Shep thinks Teyla's being a big ol' poopy for trying to stop their game of cat and mouse so he zaps her with Belle as soon as she's out in the open. Heh. If he had done that in Season 1, I would probably be high-stepping the Dance of Joy right now. As it is, I just wanna get back to Awesome Evil!Lizzie. Obviously, no one can resist the power of the Belle, so Teyla slumps onto the floor with all the grace of a Teyla heap. It's interesting to note that after shooting Teyla, Evil!Shep thumbs the switch to change Belle from her Stun setting to Kill Like a Badass Mofo. Pissed off at all the interruptions, Evil!Shep growls a "Would you people stop getting in the way!" as he stalks purposefully toward his intended target.
There's a lot of really sexy shooting and yelling back and forth, with Evil!Shep looking so goddamn fucking hot and Evil!Lizzie looking absolutely gorgeous in her psycho-evilness. Because this is a rip of Mr. and Mrs. Smith, it doesn't matter what they're really saying, as it can all be summed up with this little snippet of dialogue ripped shamelessly from the movie. Evil!Lizzie: "You still alive, baby?" There's more shooting back and forth. And then there's hand-to-hand combat. EXCEPT NOT, because TPTB suck. So they exchange more bullets x infinity with their unlimited ammo. BUT! This scene is still pretty damn hot. Not only did my panties poof, all my clothes combusted while watching this scene. MMMMMRawr.
The next scene isn't important. Just know that McKay fixes the control system in the Power Room, and even though he says he's only "attempting a partial power-up," the entire city lights up gorgeously in what's probably the power-down clip from "Seige, Part 2." Reversed. The scene right after that is even less important. There's something about Beckett saving Ronon's life. As if he wouldn't. Pfft.
With the power back on, Evil!Lizzie's in a precarious position, especially with Evil!Shep closing in on her. Evil!Shep: "Come on, honey. Come to daddy." She hurriedly closes the door between them and disables the control just as he fires. Evil!Lizzie: "Who's your daddy now?" And then they dun sex. EXCEPT NOT! Because there's a door in the way. Whatever. I'm waiting for the scene where Shep starts singing along to Air Supply. Anyway... Annoyed at these stalling techniques, he huffs a "There's more than one way in, Phoebus." Hee. DIRTY. With access to all of Shep's memories, Evil!Shep knows just how Lizzie likes it. And because he'd like to go in right now, if possible, he takes off at a sprint. Yummy. I can watch Shep running laps around me all day long and never get tired of it.
Unfortunately for everyone, Evil!Lizzie has conveniently locked herself in a lab with a computer that has network access. DOOM! She initiates a lockdown of the city, because that's what evil psychos do at times like this, and nearly crushes McKay between the closing control room doors. Heh. It could have been worse -- the annoying repetitive sound of klaxons finally nudges Teyla awake and her head just misses getting smushed between two closing doors. Dammit. Ah well, I'll just manually squish her head with my fingers. *squish squish* While I'm doing that, poor Evil!Shep is pounding the pavement, but alas, doesn't make it through one set of doors before it shuts in his face. DENIED!
In the control room, Skinner attempts an override. According to Rodney, who wishes they would just find a way to interface with his brain so he can forgo explaining things all the time, bitches and moans that they should have locked out their leaders' codes before things went completely shitty. DUH. Despite Rodney's awesome attempts at hacking into the system, he can't invalidate the code NOW when it's too late. Hindsight, she's a bitch. Rodney snarks a "Somebody should have thought of that, huh?" Well, yeah, I just did. Skinner's no dummy, all, "If you mean me, then just say me and get to the point." When Skinner exasperatedly asks if Rodney can hack the system, McKay conceits a "You do know who you're talking to, right?" With the head swagger for emphasis. Skinner: "So that's a yes?" Rodney: "Duh." Then Skinner rolls his eyes and pimpslaps him back into line. Or not. Rodney brags that he'll do it, but only using his command code. When Skinner mistakenly takes this as another dig at his former Goa'ulded life, Rodney sniffs that it's a "sixteen digit alphanumeric code that I will have to enter God knows how many times and I haven't gotten around to memorizing yours yet." Jesus. 16 digits alphanumeric? Some days, I can't even remember my own phone number -- though, in my defense, how many times do you ever have to call yourself? Anyway, Skinner's all, "STFU and do it already." Which is subtext for "Let's leave the power struggles in bed, okie?" So Rodney does. And the love affair of Caldwell/McKay goes on and on and on.
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Evil!Lizzie in her hidden evil!lab contacts Skinner to boast about having all of Atlantis under her sexy little finger. Just where all the men of Atlantis like to be, if I recall correctly. There's a bunch of taunting where, among other things, she threatens to fuck with the life support and other essential functions, but since they live in a city that's on a planet with perfectly breathable air... what life support? Then, purely for shits and giggles, Evil!Lizzie with that one Sexy Curl of Awesome, takes the knife in Skinner's back and twists it a couple of times before sprinkling a liberal amount of salt into the open wound while rubbing "Critical Mass" in his face. Completely whipped, he asks for her list of demands. Because Evil!Lizzie is a Sparky shipper at heart, her wish list is simple: "I want Sheppard." Don't we all? Skinner plays dumb: "Sheppard? Never heard of him." Evil!Lizzie: "Ever hear of Weir? She's dead if you fuck with me." Skinner: "..." To offer him some options, Sgt. Chuck, in his biggest speaking episode ever, points out that Evil!Shep and Teyla are located in the same section of the city. Armed with this information, Skinner contacts his secret weapon to update her on Evil!Lizzie's whereabouts and then orders her to take care of Evil!Shep. She's all, "No problemo, Chief," and skips off to do that.
Upstairs, Evil!Shep waves stupidly at the door sensors, but sadly, his magic wand is at home and he can't get anything to work. Annoyed, he contacts Evil!Lizzie. "Another stalemate, wtf? We've only got 12 minutes left to finish this, and we still need to let Shep and Lizzie have a real resolution or something." Evil!Lizzie's all, "What's wrong, Thalan? You can't get out?" Which triggers an anxiety attack in Shep, because there was that one time... well... needless to say, Carson is very discreet when he makes housecalls. Anywho, peeved at Evil!Lizzie neenering him, he disables a door and exerts the Super Power of Arm Porn to crack them open, and omg, look at those biceps. Yummmmmmmm. And AHAHAHAHA. Just as half of his body is wedged between the doors, there's Teyla waiting for him. Evil!Shep: "Oh, shit." Teyla: *zaaaap!* *maniacal laughter* Everyone else: "LAME!"
Fade in: gorgeous nighttime view of Atlantis, all lit up and pretty. In her Evil Lab of Awesome, Evil!Lizzie is getting impatient, wanting to know what the hold up is. After all, she knows that Shep, in any form, is easy when a pretty girl is dangled before him. You also have to wonder, with her unlimited access to all of Atlantis, wouldn't she have already seen Teyla capture Evil!Shep on one of the surveillance feeds? Oh, I know, thinking too logically. Anyway, Rodney pouts at Skinner because he's not ready yet, making this one of the rare times he's not ranting and raving at a superior. To reward him, Skinner stalls for time. Evil!Lizzie rolls her eyes and tries to make him cry with an insulting "Even Weir thinks you're hopeless; she can't hide it," before evil-chuckling at her own awesomeness. And then Skinner cries -- you can't see it though, because he's man enough to keep it on the inside, lest all his military buddies laugh at him and then give him a swirlie later. Well, no one's going to be laughing when Evil!Lizzie reroutes the halon fire suppressant system from Hazmat storage into the personnel quarters. Skinner and McKay: "Aw, shit."
Phoebus is a cold-hearted bitch, reminding them that Lizzie had an issue with the halon system, because it "extinguishes people as well as fire." However, according to a number of Googled sites, halon has a low-toxicity that is safe for human exposure, though the MSDS for it does state that acute exposure for a long period of time may cause death. Hmm. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle. (GI Joe!) Evil!Lizzie: "5... 4... 3..." Skinner: "Mercy! Dear god, mercy!" Evil!Lizzie: "MWAHAHAHA." That one Dangling Wayward Curl of Evil: "I am the sex, oh, yes I am." It's ridiculous how hot one curl of hair falling into her eyes can be, isn't it? She directs them to place Evil!Shep in front of a security camera, "kicking and screaming if possible, please." Because Sparky likes it rough. So Teyla drags Evil!Shep to the agreed upon location. Evil!Lizzie smugs a "I'm not surprised that you're the only one who managed to get to him," but since we've already gone over the whole Shep Is Easy For SpaceH0rs bit earlier, and the fact that everyone knew Teyla was the only one in the area, we can move on.
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In the control room, Skinner bitches at McKay to work faster. With his genius reputation at stake, McKay bitches right back about how the stupid marines couldn't track two people. Skinner points out that Shep and Lizzie "probably know this city better than anyone else" -- as a result of their So Doing It In Closets Tour of the city. Skinner also points out for the record that he was against all of this from the start, and McKay can't counter that because, well, it's true. Wow, a really competent Skinner... and obviously not a Sparky shipper, not officially, anyway. Go figure.
Evil!Shep finally regains consciousness. Meanwhile, the Shep!Hair still looks EXACTLY THE SAME even though Teyla used his body as a mop for however far she had to drag him. Shep focuses on convincing Teyla he's the real Sheppard. Teyla: "Pffft. Who do you think I am? Ronon? I'm not stupid." Shep: "No, really, it's me. Scout's honor." From the PA system, Evil!Lizzie scoffs at his awful attempt at acting. Shep's eyes lock onto the camera, and for someone who's supposedly The Real Sheppard, Evil!Shep segues rather effortlessly back into his evil persona when addressing Evil!Lizzie, who smiles and makes the cutest head tilt ever, completely amused. She watches him on her screen, entertained by his "look of defeat that I love." He's all, "Nope, still hatred." And in the control room, Sgt. Chuck draws a Venn Diagram to help the crew understand the fine line between love and hate, all, "These two are so doing it, even with the alien entities eating their brains."
Evil!Lizzie finally admits that she's satisfied with how this is playing out, or in other words, there's only 8 minutes left in the episode and they need to wrap it up. Like now. To help facilitate some kind of climactic event, she orders Teyla to kill him. Teyla: "Er..." Evil!Shep pretty cheekily throws back: "Pffft." And Evil!Lizzie, looking all sorts of intense and sexy: "Die, h0r! Or I will kill everyone else." Skinner, McKay and Chuck: "Holy shit, this chick is keraaaaaazy." Teyla's all, "OMGWTFBBQGAS." Chuck calmly points out, "Er, dudes? Remember when she was messing with the pipes a couple hundred pages back in the recap? Yeah. Bad stuff." Teyla: "Fuck." She does some mental math to see how many people will be affected when Skinner tells her, "Does it matter? Stop her!" Teyla: "Double fuck." There's something about a Pyrrhic victory and why that means Thalan needs to eat dirt, but it doesn't matter. Phoebus is incredibly demented. And that, my friends, is incredibly hot on her.
On the flip side, Evil!Shep is also really hot, all tied up like that, and the close-up of his face when he implores Teyla not to believe Evil!Lizzie -- I go to bed dreaming of that face. Evil!Lizzie's all, "Blah blah blah, I'll be in excruciating pain and convulse and all this fun stuff, and then Lizzie Weir will be back to normal." Teyla: "You are sick, you know that, you freak?" Ultimately, it sucks to be Teyla. She uses Pegasusian New Math to weigh her options, but no matter how much she tries to fuck up the math, killing Evil!Shep to save three-quarters of the expedition is a no-brainer. However, she's forgotten that the expedition is composed mainly of extras, and redshirts come cheap in Vancouver. In a last ditch effort to save himself, Evil!Shep appeals to the sucker in Teyla, all, "If you kill me, you're killing him. He cares for you more than you know." Hello, of course John cares for Teyla -- they're friends. Of course, it's certainly possible that he could be referring to a secret love for her, borne out of a lack of any significant screen time with her this entire season. Or, much more logically, it could just be déjà vu tactics to when he said anything and everything to lull Ronon into thinking it was really him. To be fair, since it's not really Shep, even if he had said it to Lizzie in this scene, I wouldn't have found it shippy either. Interestingly enough, the camera cuts to a Rodney reaction instead of Teyla's, and poor Rodney is all confused and dumbfounded because does this mean he can't collect on the Sparky bet?
The next sequence of dialogue goes like this. Teyla: "I don't believe you, omg, but *wibble* anyway." Evil!Shep: "Der, then don't kill me." She pleads with Evil!Lizzie not to force her into murdering Shep, knowing that Lizzie will kill herself with grief once she regains her senses. Poor Lizzie; what she must be really thinking while trapped in her own body! Evil!Lizzie: "For god's sake, shut up and shoot him." Skinner tries to offer some advice, which is basically, "We are so incredibly screwed right now. I'm not telling you what to do, because I am not taking responsibility for killing off the hottest man in the Pegasus Galaxy. But did I mention how screwed we are?" Evil!Lizzie: "A Lizzie by any other name, is still gonna get what she wants because she's awesome. So just do it."
There's a lot of really dramatic music playing, but the best part of this entire sequence is that Teyla finally raises the P-90 and aims it at Shep's pretty head. There's a staring contest, which Evil!Shep breaks to taunt Teyla with a "Sheppard doesn't believe you'll do it. LALALA." Dude, so not the right thing to say at a tense moment like this. In answer to the taunt, Teyla chambers a round, all, "Oh, yeah? Forgive me, John." Which makes this a grand total of three times she's ever called him by his name. That's true love, yo. She's gonna need some serious therapy sessions with Heightmeyer after killing the man who saved her from the Wraith. Gratitude, I tell ya. Evil!Shep's eyes: "Fuck." Thank god Rodney hasn't stopped working on the computer and has finally overridden Lizzie's code. Skinner scrambles to inform Teyla not to shoot, and Teyla is eternally grateful because the paperwork would have been a bitch. Evil!Shep breathes a sigh of relief and face-acts the "wow, I really am the luckiest SOB in the Pegasus Galaxy." Evil!Lizzie is pissed. Like really pissed. She breaks a couple of really expensive toys and storms out of the lab, hell-bent on destruction, which is just the way we love her. While she's fleeing, everyone else scrambles to stop her. Teyla moves to join the chase, but Evil!Shep calls her back and tries to sweet-talk her into releasing him. And then he goes into the Constipated Face of Excruciatingly Painful Convulsions. I'd laugh, but the arm porn is killing me. Did his biceps start inflating in this scene, or am I hallucinating?
Anyway, Evil!Lizzie is running like a fiend through the halls of Atlantis, dodging and evading security teams. Wheee! She does this one handed firing/spinning move that's a hundred kinds of awesome. But then, everything Action!Weir does is pretty damn awesome. Back in the hallway of constipation, Shep finally finishes orgasming on the floor. Teyla pokes him with her foot, all, "quit faking it." Shep yawns that he won't bother persuading her it's really him since she won't believe him anyway. It's a valid assumption, because there's no way to know for sure that he didn't fake it when Evil!Lizzie already announced to the whole world what should happen when they change over again. It's possible with Thalan's weaker life signs that Shep changed back before Lizzie, but it's also possible that he's trying to guilt her into releasing him. What's even more likely is that I'm just way over-thinking this entire episode. In any case, he's right; Teyla doesn't believe him. Which is fine, because Evil!Lizzie finally appears and orders Teyla to step away from the pretty, for he is hers. With her back to Evil!Lizzie, she surreptitiously passes the Wraith stunner to Shep, who pretends to be unconscious. Evil!Lizzie's all, "I'd shoot you if I knew how many bullets I had left," but I don't think she should let that stop her. Ronon might be sad, though, but he'll get over it.
Once the stunner exchanges hands, Teyla finally moves away. Evil!Lizzie and her Evil!Curl of Sexy Hair step toward Shep, all, "Unconscious or not, I want to see his face." So Shep obliges by sitting up and stunning her in one fluid movement. Evil!Lizzie: "RAR! Foiled again, damn you!" And then she collapses into a cute Lizzie heap. While Shep's eyes are glued to Lizzie, Teyla punt kicks the stunner out of his hands. Team Dimples arrives, apologizing profusely for taking the day off, er, getting stuck in a corridor. Shep turns his beautiful eyes on Teyla, curious as to how she knew it was him. Teyla's cold professionalism: "I still do not." Ha. Shep tries to wrap his pretty hair around this whole lack of trust concept, all, "Why'd you give me the stunner, omg?" Well, discounting the fact that the stunner's non-lethal, he "would have shot her either way" because how else would they have ended this episode? And then she flips her hair, sniffs a bit, and turns on her heels. She has to check up on Ronon, duh.
Much later. Lizzie's sleeping in an infirmary bed. Apparently, Shep is so incredibly attuned to her -- or was watching her sleep -- that all she has to do is blink a few times and he's already aware that she's awake. Despite having her face turned away from him. He chirps a "Good morning," much like he does every morning when she wakes up. *las* When she finally turns to see him in their matching His and Hers Scrubs, he's playing Sudoku on his PDA. To break the ice, for she is obviously uncomfortable about what transpired the day before, he remarks that Phoebus decided to be an evil h0r and hung in there for quite awhile, until "sometime in the middle of the night... kicking and screaming." Hmm. Interesting. So Shep knew the exact moment Phoebus went away? Maybe because he was up all night watching over Lizzie? What? Still embarrassed, Lizzie babbles nervously about how "the whole time [she] was shouting but nothing would come out of [her] mouth." I guess this answers the question as to whether either one had any control over their bodies at all. For those of you still confused, that would be a definitive "no," meaning we can't trust anything they said for the past forty minutes or so.
Over in his bed, Shep switches over to Bejeweled and STILL refuses to glance in her direction. He agrees with her assessment, comparing their experience to a "nightmare." And then, because this is Shep and this is Lizzie, he mercilessly teases her with an "especially when you shot Ronon." Can you blame him? After all, Elizabeth and her embarrassment are THE CUTEST THING EVER. Hee. She's all flustered and attempts to defend herself, but he simply "I know, I know"s her just because he really does like to wind her up even though he tries not to show it. I know, for I am wise in the way that crushes work, dammit, but we won't get into how my bastard evil crush totally strung me along in that same exact way for over a year before intervention finally made me see the light. Anywho, this has absolutely nothing to do with me, but I'm not surprised that Lizzie immediately jumps to defend herself, practically flailing from the effort. Men are evil.
Two things that should be noted in this last scene: 1) it's rather telling that for two people who communicate 90% of the time through their eyes and can't NOT look at each other (especially John at Elizabeth), he very studiously uses his PDA to avoid making eye contact with her for almost this entire scene, and 2) despite being desperately in love with Shep in fanon, Teyla and Rodney are nowhere by his side. In fact, they've both taken up vigil at Ronon's bed. The Spanky/Rodney OT3 love is apparently a force to be reckoned with. *lalala*
Lizzie asks, curiously, "Did they believe you were... you?" John admits that the only people he thinks believes can tell for sure when he's his true self are Beckett (because he's his doctor and has medical doodads that tell him so) "and... you." Because John and Lizzie heart each other like whoa. Before Lizzie can yank her leads and jump into bed with him, Skinner interrupts the shippiness to wave his hand around going "Oh, me! Me, too!" He jokes about having been in a similar situation -- that's Goa'uld for those of you who have not been paying attention at all the second half of the season. Lizzie thanks him for taking charge during the whole embarrassing situation, and Shep reveals that Rodney has given him the thumb-porn of approval. And I love that Shep seems kind of hesitant and awkward about admitting this, what with all the head-butting the two have done over past military issues. Skinner yay!s to himself because he's FINALLY one of the gang and teases a "Well, maybe there's still hope for me yet." He's obviously flirting with Lizzie, and Shep's all, "Whu-huh, WTF is going on?" Embarrassed, she's quick to insist that he not believe anything Phoebus might have said. Skinner's all, "Haha, gotcha." Then, because Skinner kind of ROCKS, gets in a last dig, all, "The paperwork on this is going to be a nightmare. Especially that kiss." Shep/Lizzie: "ZOMG." The matching Oh Fuck Looks they give Skinner at the same time... priceless. Gotta love a guy who purposely tries to make our leaders squirm. Hee. Mission accomplished, Skinner leaves, advising them not to kill each other. As if. Then Shep looks over at Lizzie, and Lizzie looks over at Shep, and they both do the cutest simultaneous Head Nods of Hey in acknowledgement of The Kiss. Shep goes back to focusing on everything and anything other than Lizzie, and Lizzie cutely sinks into her bed and dies from mortification. SHE'S SO DAMN ADORABLE, OMG! And yet... NO ONE APOLOGIZED FOR THE KISS. The end.
Poll
Torri was AWESOME in this episode. You could easily distinguish between Elizabeth and Phoebus. And hello, I approve of any episode that lets Elizabeth kick some ass. I'm a little disappointed that we didn't get an actual "Lizzie beats the crap out of John" scene that I thought we were getting, or even a "Lizzie and John face off, John Woo-style," but TLG will still go down as probably my favorite episode of season 2. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go loop the kiss in slow-mo, fast-mo, and normal speed fifty gajillion times. Shocker.
Next week: I spy... Genii! And Lizzie in black. Rawr!