2x16 The Long Goodbye, I
I say: forget the episode order. Instead of "The Tower" recap, I offer a recap for a much better episode. Hell, I even have TWO versions this time.
If you who would like the super-quick and dirty recap,
This episode in summary: SHEPPARD AND WEIR KISS. It was the hottest thing that ever hotted. The end.
If you would like the recap in all its longwinded glory, start here.
Previously on Stargate Atlantis, Lizzie's voice made Pooh conceive. Well, it would have, if that were biologically possible. That's how ridiculously hot Lizzie is. Meanwhile on-screen, there's the standard CGI of a phallic Daedalus penetrating the Love Tunnel of Hyperspace. For those who've forgotten, Col. Skinner was compromised by a Goa'uld (for how long, we'll never know, those bastard TPTB!), Lizzie verbally bitchsmacked him, Shep did this really sexy thing with his 9mm, and Ronon kicked a chair (as all Angry Monkeys tend to do) and punched Col. Snakehead in the face. The whole sequence was panty-poofing hot. And did I mention that Lizzie voiced the previouslies? For the first time? Because that's worth noting. I personally wouldn't mind if she introduced the previouslies from now on -- hearing her voice will lull me into the false assumption that the episode is automatically AWESOME. I'm easy for Lizzie, dammit.
In space, there's a Jumper fly-by. The Earthlings of Team Sheppard are busy teaching the Aliens of Team Sheppard about the awesomeness of the TeeVee. Ronon: "So you sit and watch a box all day?" Shep: "Yesh." Teyla: "For real? Do your people not have lives?" Shep: "Omg, have you WATCHED TeeVee before? There's, like, a billion channels and a billion shows, but no one actually really watches it. Just flipping through all the channels takes half a day, and by the time you get to the end, it's time to flip back through from the beginning again." Rodney: "Yeah, but it's just fictional representations of ridiculously attractive people in absurd situations." Like Atlantis. Oh, the meta! It kills! And then two of those ridiculously attractive people turn to smile cutely and eyefuck each other -- that would be RONON and TEYLA, for all you people who immediately assume Shep is always one half of an eyefuck. Spanky is too freaking adorable together. YAY! Meanwhile, Shep's hair is resembling more of a hedgehog than usual. Man needs a trim, yo. Shep makes a disparaging remark about non-fiction TV, and Rodney throws him the Patented McKay Look of WTF. Because he's an alien, and also kind of dumb, Ronon still doesn't get it: "Dude. It's a BOX." Rodney: "Omg, Jeopardy is AWESOME." And then in his best Darrell Hammond Does Sean Connery voice: "Suck it, Trebek." (Okay, maybe he doesn't, but it would have been hilarious if he had.) Ronon: "Who're you calling Trebek? He sounds dangerous." Teyla looks like she agrees, but since we've never seen her watch any TV except for the Hail Mary Football in "Hide and Seek," she still has no clue WTF these Earthlings are blabbering about. Shep deadpans, "Double Jeopardy? Twice as dangerous." HEE! Okay, he may need a haircut, but that line delivery made my panties poof again.
Suddenly, a Proximity Alarm of Danger flashes on the HUD, which makes absolutely no sense since proximity alerts normally don't start blaring in my head unless Lizzie magically appears inside Shep's Bubble of Personal Space. Ronon, who's lost his incredible Skills of Obvious, asks if it's a ship. It's not, but whatever It is, there are two of them, and they're big enough to hold a person each. Ronon's smarts a "Maybe it's a coffin," which is a reasonable assumption. I've always wondered what happened to those coffins people keep shooting out of their spaceships on other sci-fi shows. Teyla then shocks the hell out of everyone by using the word "jettisoned," and to my even bigger surprise, Ronon doesn't interrupt her to ask her for a definition. Shep's all, "Space burial, omgwtf?" and then face-acts the Squint of Bewilderment. Team Sheppard's Answer Man ends all the morbid talk by pointing out the existence of life signs for both pods. "They're still alive!" And we dun dun DUN out of the scene with the Jumper crashing into the two pods. Or not.
A very pretty Lantis. Carson radios Lizzie to tell her the first pod is ready. She's intercepted by a de-Goa'ulded Col. Skinner, and God help me, but I was staring at her ass. *headdesk* But I guess it's okay if she's taken over the #1 spot on my TV Girlfriend list. Back to Skinner. Hermiod's De-Snakeifying Beam apparently worked. Lizzie observes that he's "arrived without [his] ship," so not only is he missing his snake, he's suddenly able to cross his arms, nod his head, and tele-transport anywhere. The reason behind his sudden appearance: Hermiod's taking the Daedalus on a joyride, flying it in circles under some excuse for maintenance or whatever, when we all know our favorite naked Asgard is lounging in the captain's chair with Novak feeding him grapes and fanning him with a big palm leaf. Since Skinner wasn't invited, he thought he'd take care of Step 2 (beg for forgiveness) of his 12 Steps to Surviving De-Goa'ulding, of which Step 1 (admitting a problem) was taken care of in "Critical Mass." It's all rather unnecessary, but Skinner's still freaked over what he'd been forced to do under the Snake's influence -- like skeeving on Lizzie. As far as she's concerned, he's inculpable since aliens made him do it, whereas she is personally to blame for ordering torture and doom on Kavanagh. Skinner reassures her she did the right thing, but since Shep already tried to comfort her at the end of that episode, no one really cares. The olive branch is waved in front of his face, and he's invited to join her in discovering what new toys Shep's managed to acquire this time. Overwhelmed by how nice Lizzie is, Skinner gratefully accepts the invitation with an embarrassed but flirty smile. But that's too be expected; he doesn't need a Goa'uld in his brain to realize that Lizzie is The Gorgeous.
Lab of Cool Toys. Shep and Carson -- both in short sleeves -- examine the pod, and my eyesight is greeted by the nummy arms of both. Mmmm, arm porn. Carson's surprised to see Skinner, who just seems really happy to be there. Awww. I suddenly kind of like Skinner, yay. Shep crosses his arms and takes a step or two backwards, informing him it's a lifepod. Then he and Elizabeth share a look behind Col. Skinner's back. Hee! It's really quick, but totally an Eyefuck of OMG Are We Sure About Him? But then Shep checks out Skinner's ass, so... whatever. And for those of you paying attention, I just threw in a Shep/Caldwell Anvil into the mix. That's the only freebie of the night, especially since slashing Shep makes my ulcer flare up. While everyone's busy eyefucking everyone else, Carson explains that the lifepod was designed to preserve one individual -- in this case, a female -- in stasis. The other pod is still lost in space; there was only room for one in the Jumper trunk, causing much bitching at McKay for not upgrading the Jumpers with the optional tow package. In any case, Major Dimples and Spanky were ordered to retrieve the second pod in Jumper 6. Really? Jumper 6? That's a rather impressive feat considering Jumper 6 is AT THE BOTTOM OF THE DAMN OCEAN. Rodney, who still has Alien Whale-related nightmares, pops up from underneath the pod, ready to "crack her open." Dirty. Upon seeing Skinner, he's all, "... whu-huh, er, hey?" And Skinner's all, "Heeeyyyy." Beside him, Lizzie and Shep are amused by Rodney's reaction, because Rodney is The Funneh.
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The pod opens to reveal a very old woman. Everyone: "... Thank god it's not another Old Weir." With the Gameboy Life Scanner in hand, Carson declares her Almost Dead. They come to the conclusion that they're not dealing with Ancients, but that's not really important. An anthropologist at heart, Lizzie expresses a wistful hope to learn more about the Old Woman in the Pod's life story, but since we can't even get a nibble on the background of freaking Shep -- you know, the MALE LEAD of this show -- she's shit out of luck. With her balls of steel, Lizzie steps up to the pod, where a bright beam shoots out and scans her face. Immediately overcome by whatever it was, she faints, falling backwards into the arms of both Skinner and Shep. For those of you waiting for the shippy, here it is! Skinner might have caught her first, but that was dumb luck since he was positioned closer to her. However, after they lower her to the floor, Shep -- unlike Skinner, who would rather stare at the Old Woman in the Pod -- never takes his eyes off Lizzie. Angst and concern, baby! Rawr! Then Beckett radios for a med team to fade us out to the opening credits.
Damn, that was a long-ass teaser. But did we love it? YES, WE DID.
Infirmary. Carson fusses over an unconscious Lizzie. Just to push the John/Lizzie-ness of this scene, Rodney specifically makes a point to John that "this -- is not [his] fault." Obviously, he has to appease the boyfriend to ensure that he doesn't get the crap beat out of him later. John assures him that he knows since they were all there. Lizzie finally regains consciousness, and both men hurry toward the bed. They're all watching her, concerned, and her eyes automatically end up on Shep for a moment of I'm Fine Eyefucking. This won't be the first time I make note of it, but... Elizabeth? Is looking incredibly gorgeous right now. And don't get me started on the expression on Shep's face -- concerned, expectant, and just a tad anxious -- when he asks her "You okay?" in the softest, most tender voice EVER. I believe that would be his Reserved Only For Lizzie Voice since I don't recall any other time when he's spoken to another character with that kind of subtle 'I really want to wrap my arms around you right now' emotion. To their surprise, she gives a wry smile and answers, "Doctor Weir is fine." Since this is a Sparky moment if I've ever seen one, the camera zooms in on Shep's reaction to the huge Holy Fuck Moment. He's so attuned to her that he immediately knows that things are not kosher. He backsteps warily away from the bed, squinting suspiciously at the Woman Formerly Known as Lizzie Weir, and remarks that "Doctor Weir doesn't talk about herself in third person." Everyone else is silent; if there's anyone who would know The Real Lizzie best, it would be John Sheppard.
This, however, is definitely not Elizabeth Weir, and whoever she is conceits a "She was simply overcome by the imprinting." Since Caldwell isn't involved in the shippy aspects of this episode, this is his cue to play Big Badass Military Dude and call for security. Mmm, Lizzie in restraints... I think that just hit a kink of mine. Er, I mean... moving on. NotReally!Lizzie's quick to point out that this precaution is entirely unnecessary, and I love that we get a reaction of Shep, still looking rather freaked that the subtextual love of his life has been overtaken by an alien entity. According to NotReally!Lizzie, the real one is still somewhere inside her body. McKay, of course, starts to whine over the use of this sci-fi convention. His "Here we go again" gripe over the "other consciousness" gets a big fat WORD from me. With this episode, the majority of the main characters have been "possessed" in some way or other at least once just this season, with the exception of Carson, Ronon, and Teyla -- though a case could be made that Teyla was being controlled by the Wraith for a few minutes in "The Gift." Sheppard has had it happen to him twice now (including the conversion and this episode). The point is... this plot device is getting old. Shep, suspicious: "And you are...?" NotReally!Lizzie: "I am Phoebus... explorers... attacked... blah blah blah. Same old, same old." Skinner helpfully provides a "by the Wraith?" To which PhoebusLiz is all, "Okay!" The military guys share a look. Even though she now has an awesome new sexy body, PhoebusLiz is understandably upset about the loss of her own. Shep's more upset about the possible loss of Lizzie. "Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're all sorry," he says, sounding rather unapologetic, "Now where's Elizabeth?" *SWOON* Such forceful concern! Also, NAMEGASMS! PhoebusLiz smiles knowingly (because she now knows all about the Sparky) and assures him that Lizzie is still very much present, all, "Oh, did you want to speak to her?" Shep: "YES, DAMMIT!" Hee. So she does the Tok'ra Head Nod of Multiple Personalities to conjure up Lizzie.
Lizzie returns, and as she tries to adapt to her now-crowded body, she giddly assures them that she's perfectly fine. Of course, the person who knows her best is still wary and worried. Shep, with his Scruff of Yum and his Pretty Green Eyes of Intensity, is hesitant about broaching the subject, and is all, "Elizabeth?" -- Lip Lick of Hotness -- "I'm not sure if you're aware of this but there's another--" Before he can finish, she says she knows all about Phoebus. In response to her excitement, Rodney's full of doubt and confusion: "You seem remarkably sanguine about all of this." For someone who did nothing but panic when Cadman was stuck in his body, he's obviously WTFing over Lizzie's awesome composure. Lizzie is quick to tell them that the imprinting will only last for a few hours, so there's no need to worry. Cut to: Shep's WTF, This is All Wrong expression; he knows something is definitely still pretty fishy. Before anyone else can question her, she zips right into what Phoebus wants, namely, to be around when Major Dimples returns with the second pod. On guard, Shep: "Why? Rar." Lizzie cutes that Phoebus's husband is in the other pod and that "the rush of emotion is... overwhelming." OMG, SHE'S ADORABLE and RADIANT! Which makes sense. Having never seen Lizzie quite so giddy in public before, Shep is still confused and keeping a close eye on her. "I can imagine," he says, humoring her. Rodney, as Experienced Old Hat, assures him quite emphatically that "no, no, you can't." Busted, Shep admits that sharing his body with another entity is outside his realm of experience. However, because this is Stargate, he should prepare to be possessed many, many... many times before the series ends. Lizzie superflirts a "John, I'd like you to try." Shep: "..." Lizzie, with coquettish smile: "Phoebus has a favor to ask of you." OMG! Phoebus totally picked Shep because of Sparky! Phoebus is a Sparky shipper! And um... because he's the hottest guy there. Shep: "Crap. I'm screwed." Lizzie: "Pretty please with sex on top?" Shep: "Er... okay!" She even gives him the Double Eyebrow Lift of Flirting. How can he resist? HE CAN'T. Because it's Lizzie, and just like how she can't say 'no' to him, he can't say 'no' to her. EVER.
Pod People Lab. While the extras get the second pod ready for cracking, Rodney hand-porns his theory regarding the pods. Theory: the pod stores its occupant's memory much like a larger version of my USB flash drive. Skinner: "Yeah? So? And?" While this is going on, Shep face-acts the blatant change from Head Nod of Totally Not Listening to You, Omg to the Eyebrow Arch of Epiphanies. The hotshot pilot declares, "It's a black box." Wheee! Smart and sexy Shep is LOVE. Elsewhere in the room, Rodney and Skinner are discussing the ickiness of human flight recorders, but ultimately that's not important, because there's a more significant use for the Human Flashdrive. Rodney teases, "It could also be a means for two survivors to say a last goodbye." He's enjoying this episode way too much, because even though TPTB hate continuity, there's no way Rodney will ever let Shep live down his volunteer stint.
Shep: "Think this alien technology is dangerous?"
McKay: "Touch it. Maybe you'll get to kiss Lizzie."
Shep: "Are you sure there's no way for me to be infected by that nanovirus?"
McKay: "If you are, maybe you'll get to kiss Lizzie."
Shep: "Do these peas taste weird?"
McKay: " Maybe you'll fall into a hallucinatory fugue and end up kissing Lizzie."
Hee. Speaking of two lovers' last goodbye, here comes the second half of Sparky Representation as Carson pushes Lizzie, who's in a wheelchair, into the room. Yeah, I don't get it either, but we get a nice view of Carson's toned arms, so who am I to question it? There's some question as to whether Lizzie should be there, but Carson squashes that notion, revealing that "Elizabeth wouldn't take 'no' for an answer." Elizabeth or Phoebus? Hmm? MaybeLizzie happies a "Love is a powerful thing, Carson." In a scene that made me flash back to the cute "you're extremely optimistic" teasing in "The Eye"... Shep very matter-of-factly states that she's "a hopeless romantic." EEEEEEEEE! Obviously, this is the perfect forum for them to have this discussion. MaybeLizzie SUPERFLIRTS a "Well, you're just as hopeless. Otherwise you wouldn't have agreed." Zing! Shep, with the deepening Scruff of Worry (from when he sat for hours beside Lizzie's infirmary bed) and the Sexiest Bedhead to Ever Exist in Two Galaxies, can't respond because there's absolutely nothing for him to counter with, if it's SO FUCKING TRUE. So HopelessRomantic!Shep just gives a self-conscious Lip-Lick of Yum.
Even though Carson and Rodney are used to the Sheppard/Weir intimate and playful teasing in public areas but also know that Skinner can essentially tattle on them to the higher ups, Carson quickly changes the subject. After examining all the EEGs, he's pretty sure the imprinting will only last a few hours. Skinner: "Pinky swear?" Well, no, but if all else goes wrong, surely Beckett can whip up some kind of voodoo spell to cure what ails both Lizzie and Shep, right? As this is all being negotiated, Shep's busy asking himself why he volunteered again. Rodney just wants to get this episode moving again, so he proclaims a loud, "Well, I'm sold!" And Beckett agrees by doing this cute little bounce that could rival the adorableness of Shep's Little Hops of Dorkiness. Rodney works his magic on the pod, which opens to reveal a really old man. Carson's Gameboy Life Signs Scanner reveals the man to be Mostly Dead. He encourages them to do the imprinting ASAP. Skinner reminds Shep to disarm. Which he does, by absently handing his gun over to Rodney, who's all "...whu, gun?" Shep just stares at the pod, because let's face it; he's being a bit of a baby about this whole thing. Carson: "Move, damn you." Scaredy-cat Shep, who would have liked to have expressed his love for Lizzie as himself first before aliens used their bodies to sex like bunnies, tries to use the "You do know, they were husband and wife; anything can happen" angle as an excuse to avoid being completely controlled by an alien consciousness. But NO ONE ELSE even cares about the married thing since Lizzie and Shep already behave like they're So Married and Don't Even Know It.
MaybeLizzie doesn't like a reluctant Shep, so she does the Tok'ra Personality Exchange Head Thing again and PhoebusLiz reappears, assuring him with a rather vixen-like, "I promise I will be discreet." Why bother? Discretion is overrated. WE WANT TO SEE ALL INDISCRETIONS! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I'VE BEEN ACHING FOR MORE PHYSICAL CONTACT BETWEEN JOHN AND ELIZABETH SINCE THE DAY SHE SURPRISED HIM WITH THAT HUG? Anyway, in the face of all that sexiness -- both Lizzie's and Phoebus's -- Shep squeaks out a "Well, I guess I'll see you guys later." Hee. Poor Shep. He's so worried about fucking up his relationship with Lizzie, because either: 1) They'll have sex, it'll be horrible, and then they'll be so embarrassed about it afterwards, they'll end up avoiding each other and making their professional relationship ass for the rest of their lives, or 2) They'll have sex, and it'll be awesome, just like we all knew it would be because they are SO MEANT for each other and fit each other like missing jigsaw puzzles and other badfic clichés, and he'll be totally flailing because he won't know what to do with himself. Yes. (Shut up.) And wow, Sparky shipping has afflicted me with Run-On Sentence Disease. Rodney totally doesn't care about Shep's internal struggle, all, "Eh, have fun." Shep/McKay Anvils: "Gaaaah, NOOOOO!" Shep finally bites the damn bullet and shuffles hesitantly up to the side of the pod. Because this episode is apparently sponsored by ChapStick, Shep licks his lips a few hundred times. Not only does it make the sponsors happy, the lip licking has the added bonus of preparing his lips in anticipation of all the kissing and sexing that will occur during this "last goodbye." That's my interpretation, and I'm sticking to it! Ha!
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As expected, the beam hits him in the face. Instead of fainting, because he's a manly man who doesn't faint, he just stands there, asleep. Carson, ever the doctor, rushes forward with the intent to check on him, but PhoebusLiz prevents him from doing anything that might fuck up her experiment. Shep finally wakes up, and there's such a lovely close-up of his face and those gorgeous green eyes that I feel the need to pause the player right here and lick, I mean, clean my screen. There's a moment of silence and anticipation before PhoebusLiz finally greets MaybeShep, aka "Thalan," who immediately recognizes Phoebus. She tells him that the Atlanteans recovered their pods, and Carson, god bless his sweet heart, waves. Hee! PhoebusLiz starts around the pod toward ThalanJohn, informing him that they're the last two of their kind. His eyes glued to her, ThalanJohn mirrors her movements and meets her halfway. She eagerly tells him that "these generous people have allowed us to be together one last time." And then the camera caresses Shep's face in gorgeous close-up while everyone else waits for the sexing to commence. I'm sorry, maybe it's just me, but this camera angle is doing many favors for my girlie parts. *licks screen* All is not well in Alien Possession Land, however, as ThalanJohn directs a look of disbelief at Skinner, noting incredulously, "You consented to this." How endearing is Joe's lisp? Because it's quite lickable, thank you very much. "One last chance," PhoebusLiz declares, snapping his attention back to her before anyone can ask annoying questions, "to say goodbye to my husband." ThalanJohn looks... well, he looks a bit stunned and confused. But then PhoebusLiz grabs him by the Shep!head, plays with his ear, runs her fingers through the Shep!hair in a way that we all pretty much wish we could, and pulls him in for a kiss. A KISS! EEEEEEEE!
For those not into the Sparky (and yeah, you keep surprising me by sticking around *huggles*), here's your recap of the kiss scene: The kiss, it was long. The music, it was slow and a bit whimsical. The end. Skip the next few paragraphs.
For those here for the longer scene review, here we go: Damn, this kiss is long. *loops* She gets up into his body when she pulls him down to her level. I mean, there's totally chest/boob contact, and even with her pulling him down, you can sort of tell that she's on her tiptoes, which is a huge kink of mine. *loops* *loops!* And! And! And! If you watch it in slow motion -- not that I did (10 times) -- he totally puckers up and leans into the kiss. *loops* *loops* *loops* Not only does he lean into the kiss, he finds her lips before she's even finished pulling him toward her. I do not lie! Let's watch that scene again! And again!
Hmm. You know... it's actually very easy to get caught up in looping the kiss. Because that just happened to me. I wasn't keeping track of how many loops I sat through, but it is now twenty minutes later. Oops.
Let's check out the reaction from the peanut gallery. Carson: blinks a couple of times, smiles a soft "oh" and is all, "omg, where do I look, where do I look, where do I look?" Hee. Skinner: averts his eyes, uncomfortable, because Mulder and Scully didn't get their first kiss until season 12345 and two lead characters kissing in only the second season is just unheard of! Even if it happens to be an alien possession plot. Heh. Rodney: watches unabashedly and then chuckles a "huh" because even though he participated in the Shep and Weir Kiss betting, he never realized he had a chance in hell of actually winning. *LAS* I love Rodney's reaction the best. Why? Because contrary to what fanon likes to hammer into my head, Rodney apparently will NOT freak out if he sees Elizabeth and John kissing. Two hours later, there's the unmistakable sound of lip-smacking as our lovers finally break apart to breathe. PhoebusLiz releases him slowly, and ThalanJohn just stares at her, as if seeing her for the first time. Then. In the unmistakable Reserved for Lizzie Only voice that John last used in the infirmary, ThalanJohn admits, awed, "That's not what I expected." EEEEEEEEEE! Okay, I know that it's an Aliens Made Them Do It kiss, but in my head, that is totally the voice Shep would use with Lizzie in a situation like this. In fact, it's totally the tone he uses in many situations with Lizzie -- the 'John's having a moment with Elizabeth' tone. So that begets the question: How much of John and Lizzie were actually in that kiss? SOMEONE WRITE ME FIC, DAMMIT. And God, the close-up of their faces -- especially his -- is just delectable. It's so unfair that there are two people in the world THIS GORGEOUS and they just happen to be kissing each other in this scene. RAWR. Anyway, deep breaths...
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PhoebusLiz assures ThalanJohn that it is indeed her. I could comment that there might have been enough John and Lizzie in there to confuse Thalan, but that would require me to expound for another two or three paragraphs, and this recap is already getting way too long. (Pssss, gimme Phoebus/Thalan fic!) Now that their identities have been confirmed, they eyefuck each other while attempting to talk Skinner into letting them have a few minutes alone. PhoebusLiz: "Can we have a quickie?" Almost!Sparky: *eyefuck* Skinner: "WTF, NO! This is a basic cable show!" Almost!Sparky: *eyefuck* Carson suddenly defends them, holding back what seems like an approving giggle, all, "Don't be so heartless." Almost!Sparky: *eyefuck* Rodney supports Carson's sentiments, all, "Omg, I don't want to be here when they start ripping each other's clothes off... besides, they're two consenting adults." CARSON AND RODNEY ARE SPARKY SHIPPERS! Almost!Sparky: *eyefuck* Skinner defends his decision, because can they truly be consenting adults if Shep and Lizzie were manipulated into kissing each other by their respective alien possessions, or does the fact that they -- well, Shep, at least -- gave permission for their bodies to be inhabited, knowing that they would play husband and wife, be considered consent? In any case, the legalities of it don't matter. Shep and Lizzie's matching gorgeous eyes have not stopped fucking each other for this entire scene, making this quite possibly, their longest Alien Made Them Do It eyefuck EVER.
ThalanJohn agrees with Skinner's decision not to leave them alone. PhoebusLiz disagrees, reminding everyone that Lizzie is still the leader of Atlantis. Because this is apparently a game (and how much do I LOVE the almost teasing smile on ThalanJohn's face?), he counters that there should be an armed guard outside the door. PhoebusLiz matches his playful grin with a "Two guards. One outside each door." By this time, it's pretty obvious that they're working Skinner for intel and he has no idea he's being played, as evidenced by his naïve "Duh, took care of that, wasn't born yesterday." PhoebusLiz "of course"s him, and her eyes are twinkling with mischief and omg, she just looks totally gorgeous and evil in such a stunning way. And then we cut to ThalanJohn's face, and his eyes are shining back at her, and he's still got that awesome competitive grin on his face, and GOD, I JUST LOVE THESE TWO. I love these two SO MUCH, I'm going to need ointment for my Run-On Sentences Disease. *FLAILS* It's no wonder they had so much fun filming this episode. As they continue to do that assessing and yet slightly teasing eyefuck, the smile and glow slowly fades from PhoebusLiz's face. Then in a flurry of movement...
...they break their eyefucking and hightail it to opposite doors. ThalanJohn punches his guard in the face while simultaneously disarming him of his Wraith stunner. PhoebusLiz physically throws down her guard and disarms him. OMGWHEEEE! Let's watch that again! Sorry, but that was just visually FUN and EXCITING. ThalanJohn steps back into the room and fires at PhoebusLiz, who takes cover behind the doorframe. Skinner radios for a security team, but is promptly disabled by a blast from ThalanJohn's stunner. Rodney joins the firefight by carelessly aiming Shep's own pistol at him, shooting indiscriminately with his eyes squeezed shut. Carson yells for him to stop firing, because it's still Shep, omg, who flees, hurt. Before Rodney can snark about Damn Alien Possessions, PhoebusLiz steps back into the room with her stunner aimed at Rodney's head. Phew. So much action! So much fun! So much like a rip of Mr. and Mrs. Smith!
Rodney puts his hands up because he doesn't want to die, and condescends that "Okay, you two need some very serious marriage counseling." Or, you know, the exact opposite of Sparky. *las* Despite having awesome messed up hair and her Belly Button of Awesome showing from where her shirt's ridden up her torso, PhoebusLiz isn't in the mood to be sexy, playful, or snarky, all, "He's not my husband. He's the enemy. Drop your weapon." So Rodney does. Everyone's scared of Lizzie anyway, not just when she's possessed by a psycho killer alien bent on vengeance. She then orders Rodney to call off the security team, and how much do I want to sex her just on the way she delivers the line "and tell them everything is just fine"? MMMRAWR. Carson is just as enchanted by her bed-headed hotness, popping out of hiding to insist that "everything is not fine." Eh. She shuts him up by stunning him into silence. She's so awesome, she doesn't even need to look where she's aiming. She "Rodney"s McKay in her awesome evil voice, and dude, I am so in love with Torri right now, it's disgusting. Rodney pees his pants and blusters out a rambling message to security, but PhoebusLiz has had enough, spits out an annoyed "oh forget it," and zaps him. With everyone out of the way, she arms herself with the discarded 9mm pistol and Rodney's headset while snapping orders to her minions that Shep's been compromised and that she'll deal with him herself. Promise, Lizzie? Really, really promise, because I so want to see you and Shep do some Mutual Ass-kicking of Sexiness. Then she stalks purposefully out of the room. All sexy-like. Wheeee!
For the record, Kickass!Lizzie RULES. As does Action!Shep. Even if it's not really them.
As Evil!Lizzie makes her way through the city, Major Hottie Lorne and his crew of redshirt misfits fall into step with her. Evil!Lizzie: "Shep's not himself." Major Dimples: "Er...wtf?" Evil!Lizzie: "Don't ask questions. Let's just find him." Major Dimples: "Um... this isn't one of those perverted sex games I hear you and Shep are into, is it? I mean... yes, ma'am, at your disposal." Maybe it's just me, but you can almost hear the eyeroll in his voice. Heh. But his new hairdo? Not much of a fan, I have to say.
Lab of missing pod people. Skinner gets back on his feet just as Teyla and Ronon enter, after having spent the time between now and returning with the second pod practicing splits on her bed. Manly Man of Action wants to know WTF happened. Skinner's all, "She was playing us from the beginning, omg." Ronon is incredulous, but his voice is all, "Weir? For real? Cool." Skinner doesn't agree, adding that Shep is also compromised. Because Skinner has no sense of humor, Ronon doesn't say it, but thinks it: "Double cool." Yes, I agree. Or maybe I just put words in his mouth because the scripted ones are negligible for Manly Man Eyecandy. While Skinner radios control to patch him into the frequency reserved for the security teams -- actually, how do those damn radios work anyway? -- Ronon takes care of Carson. All Dex/Beckett (Deckett? Bex? Anyone care?) Anvils: "GLEE!" Pooh: "Hrm." Teyla and Ronon, who didn't even bother pulling his pants all the way up after the sweaty co-ed naked splits, decide that because their names are in the opening credits, they're much better equipped than anyone else to subdue and contain Mr. and Mrs. Evil. Because he's only a recurring character, Skinner sees the logic behind this, gives them the go ahead, and then crouches down to put a soothing hand on Carson's shoulder. For those who have purchased their Shipper/Slasher Guides to the Pegasus Galaxy before class started, hand-to-shoulderness is a big step in their relationship. But who would have thought to pair these two? Sneaky TPTB!
Major Dimples and team are still following Evil!Lizzie around Atlantis. No one's questioned why she's suddenly brandishing a Wraith stunner. Instead, Major Dimples mentions that it would be "helpful if we knew what was going on." Evil!Lizzie doesn't bother to answer because subordinates are on a need to know basis, even when they're as cute as Lorne. She's too focused on her mission to observe Team Dimples stopping in their tracks, obviously receiving Skinner's warning. The team aims their weapons, and Evil!Lizzie does a slow sexy turnaround. Huh, I never noticed before that she has Shep's pistol stuck into the back of her pants. Why NO ONE thought THAT was weird while they were checking out her ass walking behind her, is a mystery to me, but I'm too in love with this episode to complain much. Because Lizzie is LOVE! And Evil!Lizzie is the HOT. Dimples asks for her weapons, and as the rest of the team surrounds her, she tries to confuse them by placing doubt on Skinner's own identity. Well played, Evil!Lizzie, considering he was just de-Goa'ulded. Major Dimples is all, "fuck that, I'm a professional and I know where my chain of command goes." So as a professional, he orders her all business-like to hand over her weapons. So she does. And a younger, smarter-looking Jean-Claude Van Damme relieves her pants of the pistol, and hello, that's probably not a good place for his hands to go if he'd like to keep them.
The Poor Man's Van Damme then places a restraining hand on her shoulder to keep her from fleeing. But by the determined look on her face as she slowly turns to look at that hand, running away is the last thing on Evil!Lizzie's mind. In a fighting scene that would make even Jason Bourne grin stupidly with pride, Evil!Lizzie takes down everyone -- even throwing poor Major Dimples onto his back and knocking him unconscious. RAWRRRRR! Her hair is just awesome, flying all over the place, and that one sexy curl that keeps falling in her eyes kind of turns me on in all sorts of dirty ways. Anyway, with her security team now out of commission, she relieves them all of their weapons and grabs a tactical vest. Oh, and for all of you loving the skin peekage, she's got a bit showing... right up above her cute little butt. What? I can say that even though I'm totally het; she's way too hot for just men to gawk at, okay? Sheesh. Using Lizzie's knowledge of the city and of what Ancient tech she can control, Evil!Lizzie runs out of the room and disables the door, locking Team Dimples into that corridor. It's a quick shot, but I love that look in her eyes when she turns away. Yum.
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Have I mentioned that this recap is a love letter to Lizzie and Phoebus? Because it is. And someone explain to me why we have to wait 15 or 16 episodes EVERY season before getting a great Elizabeth episode? NOT COOL.
Dear TPTB,
GIVE TORRI SOMETHING AWESOME LIKE THIS TO DO IN EVERY SINGLE EPISODE. You have a super-talented and gorgeous woman as your female lead. USE HER!!!
Love, Pooh
The three men bested by Evil!Lizzie are finally making their way down to the control room. Skinner asks Sgt. Chuck for a report. Upon learning that they've lost contact with Major Dimples, Skinner orders the general population into lockdown with the exception of his security teams. Hmm, Caldwell's kind of hot with the bossing people around when he's not being a total ass. Rodney suggests using the HDTV Life Signs Detector to locate our quarreling lovers, and Skinner agrees since all security teams travel in packs, making it easier to differentiate between Alien Possessed and Non-Possessed Personnel. Everyone's ordered into action, but Rodney has issues with the new leadership. According to that chain of command thing the military likes to harp on, with "Elizabeth and Colonel Sheppard (Rodney still can't call him John, huh?) out of the equation, then..." Skinner: "I'm in charge." Rodney: "No, I'm in charge." Skinner: "I am." Rodney: "No, I am." Skinner: "Are you prejudiced against Those Formerly Goa'ulded?!" Rodney: "Nooooooo, but even with my fucked up math from three episodes ago, I was still here before you, and therefore, have seniority." Skinner: "Military situation, military leader." Rodney: "..." Carson: "Who's on first again?" And then, sick of the comedy routine, Rodney begrudgingly accepts Skinner's command, so they can finally get down to the business of saving Lizzie's and Shep's fine asses.
Elsewhere in Atlantis. Evil!Lizzie slinks through darkened corridors, armed with a P-90 and a radio. She contacts "Sheppard," who is taking a leisurely stroll over the I'm Too Sexy Catwalk he loves so much. He responds to her hail, reminding her that security teams can pinpoint their locations using the radios. She doesn't care, focusing on how the imprinting is temporary. Evil!Lizzie: "We both want a shot at the same thing." Evil!Shep: "You mean each other." Shep/Weir Shippers: "They looooooooove each other and wanna sex, omg!" (Yeah, I know. I'm gagging, too.) Evil!Lizzie evil-chuckles: "We can't sex for the shippers if you keep running." Back in the control room, Sgt. Chuck latches onto the radio chatter, all, "Uh, Skinner? Wanna eavesdrop on Shep and Lizzie's bedroom talk?" Skinner: "Duh! Put it on speaker so we can all hear." Everyone in the control room then listens and learns how to properly radiofuck. Or, you know, they could have just tuned in for a really boring history lesson, which boils down to Phoebus wanting Thalan deader than dead. Problem is, Phoebus loves playing with her prey, wishing "to see that look of defeat on your face one last time." Evil!Lizzie is so incredibly evil and psychotic, it's AWESOME. Evil!Shep was apparently hurt when Rodney stupidly tried to KILL HIM and manages to bandage his wound as I die of gratuitous arm porn. *DIES* That taken care of, he reveals that it was "hatred, Phoebus, not defeat." And then he twirls the Wraith stunner like a rogue cowboy at a gunfight, and I am dead dead dead from the hot. Evil!Lizzie winds him up with a "Is that any way to talk to your wife?" before spinning around a corner with her P-90 ready for action. RAWR. Before I can figure out whether or not they were really married (and I'm serious about fic), she spins in the other direction -- that one strand of hair that's escaped from behind her ear and hanging over her eye is hotter than a fucking hot thing -- and promises him that "the moment I find you, you die." The four men in the control room: "..." Then Carson makes me fall in love with him by deadpanning a "Well, they're headed straight for divorce." Heee!
Just in case the audience is confused, Skinner concludes that "the whole thing was a ruse" and that he doubts very much if they "were ever speaking to Dr. Weir." See? They should have taken their cues from Shep, who never seemed completely at ease around Lizzie post-imprinting; he was cautious the entire time, and he knows her best. Rodney smacks himself for falling for it -- or maybe that's just what I wish he'd do. In any case, Skinner sums up the entire situation as two fighter pilots who don't realize that their war is eons done and over with. But leave it to Rodney to point out the true doom and gloom of the situation. With appropriate finger-porning: "They know everything about this city. And when I say everything, I mean, EVERYTHING." Carson doesn't look happy at all, and he and Rodney share an Eyefuck of Impending Doom -- but not too long an eyefuck, for their love is secret and not meant for prying control room eyes -- before taking us out of this scene.
On a familiar walkway, Bamm-Bamm and Pebbles set up an ambush for Evil!Lizzie who enters at the far end, unaware of the danger lurking ahead. Then... Stock footage of exterior city swooshing from "The Siege, Part 2"! Still an incredibly awesome SFX. WHEEE! On the other side of the city, two unsuspecting security guys walk down a flight of stairs. Waiting underneath the stairs? Evil!Shep. As soon as the second guard hits the Magical Step of Oh-Oh, Evil!Shep reaches out through the steps and trips him. Poor random guy falls down the stairs, taking his friend with him. Ouchie. That's gotta hurt like a bitch. And then -- THEN! -- Evil!Shep slips under and through the banister onto the stairs, runs down the few remaining steps, punches the guard's friend, and steals his P-90. That sequence of moves was pretty damn awesome. Therefore, I am looping. Come back after a few iterations, kthxbye.
Back in the control room, Skinner orders a Full Alert Status and all gate activity suspended until further notice. Dun dun DUN! At the HDTV Life Signs Detector, Rodney and Carson are attached at the hip. Beckett/McKay Anvils: "Awww." Everyone else: "Awww." Rodney announces that an Evil!Possessed!Blip is nearing the Power Room. No sooner are the words out of his mouth when all power is cut. D'OH! Instead of growling a "You could have said something sooner!," Skinner stays surprisingly silent. McKay: "RAR!" Back on the Walkway of Eternity, Ronon and Teyla share a look, because they're trained to do one thing when the lights go out -- they sex. What? To give them some privacy, Evil!Lizzie throws herself over the balcony. Yes, all hot and sexy-like, especially with her shirt continually riding up like that. Rawr! To the person in charge of the laundry detail on Atlantis, I applaud your secret efforts at shrinking Lizzie's shirts in the wash. Well done, Mr. or Ms... um, Person. Having finished with their quickie, Ronon angry-monkeys up to the railing, but it's too late. Evil!Lizzie has disappeared. Oh noes. Teyla finally joins him just as he wonders, "How did she know?" Teyla's all, "Duh, you were loud enough. Also? Woman's intuition. Don't they have that on Planet Baywatch? Or were the women completely plastic?" Ronon refuses to answer, but suggests they split up, because that's always the smart thing to do. *eyeroll* "I'll take Sheppard. You go after Weir," he offers. Teyla: "That's kind of sexist." Ronon: "Yeah, but he's dumb and predictable, and she's SCARY and a WOMAN." Teyla okie-dokies, and they separate.
In the blackout, Carson waves around his X-Files flashlight, all, "What the-- bbqmice?" Rodney gripes about placing guards in the Power Room, but since he was the one staring at the HDTV Life Signs Detector when the Evil!Blip was in the Power Room, he should already know whether there were guards there. Duh. Skinner attempts to contact his men, but a quick cut to the Power Room reveals Evil!Shep firing the crap out of one of the consoles. Havoc wreaked, he mentally cackles a villainous laugh and runs out of the room, almost stomping on one of the insignificant menials sprawled on the floor. Back in the control room, Skinner whines about the auxiliary power, but Sgt. Chuck is the bearer of bad news: Evil!Shep fucked with the backups, too. Sneaky bastard! D'oh! Even Sgt. Chuck looks pissed. No one messes with Chuck, dammit! RAR! Right now, they're completely vulnerable, which would really suck if the Wraith chose this time to attack. But what about the Daedalus's sensors, since the ship is just joyriding above the planet. D'OH AGAIN -- subspace communications are down, too, which means there's no way to contact Hermiod. Pretty damn convenient, if you think about it, otherwise they could have had the naked little guy beam both Evils into separate holding cells somewhere. And come to think of it, WHY DIDN'T THEY DO THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE?! Not that I'm nitpicking, because this episode is love, omg!
Skinner orders Rodney down to the Power Room to get primary systems back up and running. Carson volunteers to tag along because he can't leave his Rodneykin's side for too long, even though he tells Skinner the real reason he wants to go is because marines might be hurt. Oh, Carson, you're so transparent. Anyway, Rodney cowardly-lions that Evil!Shep could be waiting to ambush them, since OBVIOUSLY, it's always about HIM. While Skinner orders a security escort to protect Rodney's brain from being accidentally injured, a frustrated Carson reminds him that Evil!Shep is only interested in killing Lizzie. And Rodney finally gives the McWeir Anvils something to cheer about by sarcastically yelling that "That is so much more comforting," because he loves himself some Lizzie and doesn't want anything bad to happen to her. Having had enough of Rodney's antics, Skinner shuts him up by snarling at him. It's all very hot. Trust me. And then Rodney puts his tail between his legs, takes his anger out on his escorts, and sulks out to do as he's told.
You can follow Rodney, or you can continue here.
If you who would like the super-quick and dirty recap,
This episode in summary: SHEPPARD AND WEIR KISS. It was the hottest thing that ever hotted. The end.
If you would like the recap in all its longwinded glory, start here.
Previously on Stargate Atlantis, Lizzie's voice made Pooh conceive. Well, it would have, if that were biologically possible. That's how ridiculously hot Lizzie is. Meanwhile on-screen, there's the standard CGI of a phallic Daedalus penetrating the Love Tunnel of Hyperspace. For those who've forgotten, Col. Skinner was compromised by a Goa'uld (for how long, we'll never know, those bastard TPTB!), Lizzie verbally bitchsmacked him, Shep did this really sexy thing with his 9mm, and Ronon kicked a chair (as all Angry Monkeys tend to do) and punched Col. Snakehead in the face. The whole sequence was panty-poofing hot. And did I mention that Lizzie voiced the previouslies? For the first time? Because that's worth noting. I personally wouldn't mind if she introduced the previouslies from now on -- hearing her voice will lull me into the false assumption that the episode is automatically AWESOME. I'm easy for Lizzie, dammit.
In space, there's a Jumper fly-by. The Earthlings of Team Sheppard are busy teaching the Aliens of Team Sheppard about the awesomeness of the TeeVee. Ronon: "So you sit and watch a box all day?" Shep: "Yesh." Teyla: "For real? Do your people not have lives?" Shep: "Omg, have you WATCHED TeeVee before? There's, like, a billion channels and a billion shows, but no one actually really watches it. Just flipping through all the channels takes half a day, and by the time you get to the end, it's time to flip back through from the beginning again." Rodney: "Yeah, but it's just fictional representations of ridiculously attractive people in absurd situations." Like Atlantis. Oh, the meta! It kills! And then two of those ridiculously attractive people turn to smile cutely and eyefuck each other -- that would be RONON and TEYLA, for all you people who immediately assume Shep is always one half of an eyefuck. Spanky is too freaking adorable together. YAY! Meanwhile, Shep's hair is resembling more of a hedgehog than usual. Man needs a trim, yo. Shep makes a disparaging remark about non-fiction TV, and Rodney throws him the Patented McKay Look of WTF. Because he's an alien, and also kind of dumb, Ronon still doesn't get it: "Dude. It's a BOX." Rodney: "Omg, Jeopardy is AWESOME." And then in his best Darrell Hammond Does Sean Connery voice: "Suck it, Trebek." (Okay, maybe he doesn't, but it would have been hilarious if he had.) Ronon: "Who're you calling Trebek? He sounds dangerous." Teyla looks like she agrees, but since we've never seen her watch any TV except for the Hail Mary Football in "Hide and Seek," she still has no clue WTF these Earthlings are blabbering about. Shep deadpans, "Double Jeopardy? Twice as dangerous." HEE! Okay, he may need a haircut, but that line delivery made my panties poof again.
Suddenly, a Proximity Alarm of Danger flashes on the HUD, which makes absolutely no sense since proximity alerts normally don't start blaring in my head unless Lizzie magically appears inside Shep's Bubble of Personal Space. Ronon, who's lost his incredible Skills of Obvious, asks if it's a ship. It's not, but whatever It is, there are two of them, and they're big enough to hold a person each. Ronon's smarts a "Maybe it's a coffin," which is a reasonable assumption. I've always wondered what happened to those coffins people keep shooting out of their spaceships on other sci-fi shows. Teyla then shocks the hell out of everyone by using the word "jettisoned," and to my even bigger surprise, Ronon doesn't interrupt her to ask her for a definition. Shep's all, "Space burial, omgwtf?" and then face-acts the Squint of Bewilderment. Team Sheppard's Answer Man ends all the morbid talk by pointing out the existence of life signs for both pods. "They're still alive!" And we dun dun DUN out of the scene with the Jumper crashing into the two pods. Or not.
A very pretty Lantis. Carson radios Lizzie to tell her the first pod is ready. She's intercepted by a de-Goa'ulded Col. Skinner, and God help me, but I was staring at her ass. *headdesk* But I guess it's okay if she's taken over the #1 spot on my TV Girlfriend list. Back to Skinner. Hermiod's De-Snakeifying Beam apparently worked. Lizzie observes that he's "arrived without [his] ship," so not only is he missing his snake, he's suddenly able to cross his arms, nod his head, and tele-transport anywhere. The reason behind his sudden appearance: Hermiod's taking the Daedalus on a joyride, flying it in circles under some excuse for maintenance or whatever, when we all know our favorite naked Asgard is lounging in the captain's chair with Novak feeding him grapes and fanning him with a big palm leaf. Since Skinner wasn't invited, he thought he'd take care of Step 2 (beg for forgiveness) of his 12 Steps to Surviving De-Goa'ulding, of which Step 1 (admitting a problem) was taken care of in "Critical Mass." It's all rather unnecessary, but Skinner's still freaked over what he'd been forced to do under the Snake's influence -- like skeeving on Lizzie. As far as she's concerned, he's inculpable since aliens made him do it, whereas she is personally to blame for ordering torture and doom on Kavanagh. Skinner reassures her she did the right thing, but since Shep already tried to comfort her at the end of that episode, no one really cares. The olive branch is waved in front of his face, and he's invited to join her in discovering what new toys Shep's managed to acquire this time. Overwhelmed by how nice Lizzie is, Skinner gratefully accepts the invitation with an embarrassed but flirty smile. But that's too be expected; he doesn't need a Goa'uld in his brain to realize that Lizzie is The Gorgeous.
Lab of Cool Toys. Shep and Carson -- both in short sleeves -- examine the pod, and my eyesight is greeted by the nummy arms of both. Mmmm, arm porn. Carson's surprised to see Skinner, who just seems really happy to be there. Awww. I suddenly kind of like Skinner, yay. Shep crosses his arms and takes a step or two backwards, informing him it's a lifepod. Then he and Elizabeth share a look behind Col. Skinner's back. Hee! It's really quick, but totally an Eyefuck of OMG Are We Sure About Him? But then Shep checks out Skinner's ass, so... whatever. And for those of you paying attention, I just threw in a Shep/Caldwell Anvil into the mix. That's the only freebie of the night, especially since slashing Shep makes my ulcer flare up. While everyone's busy eyefucking everyone else, Carson explains that the lifepod was designed to preserve one individual -- in this case, a female -- in stasis. The other pod is still lost in space; there was only room for one in the Jumper trunk, causing much bitching at McKay for not upgrading the Jumpers with the optional tow package. In any case, Major Dimples and Spanky were ordered to retrieve the second pod in Jumper 6. Really? Jumper 6? That's a rather impressive feat considering Jumper 6 is AT THE BOTTOM OF THE DAMN OCEAN. Rodney, who still has Alien Whale-related nightmares, pops up from underneath the pod, ready to "crack her open." Dirty. Upon seeing Skinner, he's all, "... whu-huh, er, hey?" And Skinner's all, "Heeeyyyy." Beside him, Lizzie and Shep are amused by Rodney's reaction, because Rodney is The Funneh.
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The pod opens to reveal a very old woman. Everyone: "... Thank god it's not another Old Weir." With the Gameboy Life Scanner in hand, Carson declares her Almost Dead. They come to the conclusion that they're not dealing with Ancients, but that's not really important. An anthropologist at heart, Lizzie expresses a wistful hope to learn more about the Old Woman in the Pod's life story, but since we can't even get a nibble on the background of freaking Shep -- you know, the MALE LEAD of this show -- she's shit out of luck. With her balls of steel, Lizzie steps up to the pod, where a bright beam shoots out and scans her face. Immediately overcome by whatever it was, she faints, falling backwards into the arms of both Skinner and Shep. For those of you waiting for the shippy, here it is! Skinner might have caught her first, but that was dumb luck since he was positioned closer to her. However, after they lower her to the floor, Shep -- unlike Skinner, who would rather stare at the Old Woman in the Pod -- never takes his eyes off Lizzie. Angst and concern, baby! Rawr! Then Beckett radios for a med team to fade us out to the opening credits.
Damn, that was a long-ass teaser. But did we love it? YES, WE DID.
Infirmary. Carson fusses over an unconscious Lizzie. Just to push the John/Lizzie-ness of this scene, Rodney specifically makes a point to John that "this -- is not [his] fault." Obviously, he has to appease the boyfriend to ensure that he doesn't get the crap beat out of him later. John assures him that he knows since they were all there. Lizzie finally regains consciousness, and both men hurry toward the bed. They're all watching her, concerned, and her eyes automatically end up on Shep for a moment of I'm Fine Eyefucking. This won't be the first time I make note of it, but... Elizabeth? Is looking incredibly gorgeous right now. And don't get me started on the expression on Shep's face -- concerned, expectant, and just a tad anxious -- when he asks her "You okay?" in the softest, most tender voice EVER. I believe that would be his Reserved Only For Lizzie Voice since I don't recall any other time when he's spoken to another character with that kind of subtle 'I really want to wrap my arms around you right now' emotion. To their surprise, she gives a wry smile and answers, "Doctor Weir is fine." Since this is a Sparky moment if I've ever seen one, the camera zooms in on Shep's reaction to the huge Holy Fuck Moment. He's so attuned to her that he immediately knows that things are not kosher. He backsteps warily away from the bed, squinting suspiciously at the Woman Formerly Known as Lizzie Weir, and remarks that "Doctor Weir doesn't talk about herself in third person." Everyone else is silent; if there's anyone who would know The Real Lizzie best, it would be John Sheppard.
This, however, is definitely not Elizabeth Weir, and whoever she is conceits a "She was simply overcome by the imprinting." Since Caldwell isn't involved in the shippy aspects of this episode, this is his cue to play Big Badass Military Dude and call for security. Mmm, Lizzie in restraints... I think that just hit a kink of mine. Er, I mean... moving on. NotReally!Lizzie's quick to point out that this precaution is entirely unnecessary, and I love that we get a reaction of Shep, still looking rather freaked that the subtextual love of his life has been overtaken by an alien entity. According to NotReally!Lizzie, the real one is still somewhere inside her body. McKay, of course, starts to whine over the use of this sci-fi convention. His "Here we go again" gripe over the "other consciousness" gets a big fat WORD from me. With this episode, the majority of the main characters have been "possessed" in some way or other at least once just this season, with the exception of Carson, Ronon, and Teyla -- though a case could be made that Teyla was being controlled by the Wraith for a few minutes in "The Gift." Sheppard has had it happen to him twice now (including the conversion and this episode). The point is... this plot device is getting old. Shep, suspicious: "And you are...?" NotReally!Lizzie: "I am Phoebus... explorers... attacked... blah blah blah. Same old, same old." Skinner helpfully provides a "by the Wraith?" To which PhoebusLiz is all, "Okay!" The military guys share a look. Even though she now has an awesome new sexy body, PhoebusLiz is understandably upset about the loss of her own. Shep's more upset about the possible loss of Lizzie. "Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're all sorry," he says, sounding rather unapologetic, "Now where's Elizabeth?" *SWOON* Such forceful concern! Also, NAMEGASMS! PhoebusLiz smiles knowingly (because she now knows all about the Sparky) and assures him that Lizzie is still very much present, all, "Oh, did you want to speak to her?" Shep: "YES, DAMMIT!" Hee. So she does the Tok'ra Head Nod of Multiple Personalities to conjure up Lizzie.
Lizzie returns, and as she tries to adapt to her now-crowded body, she giddly assures them that she's perfectly fine. Of course, the person who knows her best is still wary and worried. Shep, with his Scruff of Yum and his Pretty Green Eyes of Intensity, is hesitant about broaching the subject, and is all, "Elizabeth?" -- Lip Lick of Hotness -- "I'm not sure if you're aware of this but there's another--" Before he can finish, she says she knows all about Phoebus. In response to her excitement, Rodney's full of doubt and confusion: "You seem remarkably sanguine about all of this." For someone who did nothing but panic when Cadman was stuck in his body, he's obviously WTFing over Lizzie's awesome composure. Lizzie is quick to tell them that the imprinting will only last for a few hours, so there's no need to worry. Cut to: Shep's WTF, This is All Wrong expression; he knows something is definitely still pretty fishy. Before anyone else can question her, she zips right into what Phoebus wants, namely, to be around when Major Dimples returns with the second pod. On guard, Shep: "Why? Rar." Lizzie cutes that Phoebus's husband is in the other pod and that "the rush of emotion is... overwhelming." OMG, SHE'S ADORABLE and RADIANT! Which makes sense. Having never seen Lizzie quite so giddy in public before, Shep is still confused and keeping a close eye on her. "I can imagine," he says, humoring her. Rodney, as Experienced Old Hat, assures him quite emphatically that "no, no, you can't." Busted, Shep admits that sharing his body with another entity is outside his realm of experience. However, because this is Stargate, he should prepare to be possessed many, many... many times before the series ends. Lizzie superflirts a "John, I'd like you to try." Shep: "..." Lizzie, with coquettish smile: "Phoebus has a favor to ask of you." OMG! Phoebus totally picked Shep because of Sparky! Phoebus is a Sparky shipper! And um... because he's the hottest guy there. Shep: "Crap. I'm screwed." Lizzie: "Pretty please with sex on top?" Shep: "Er... okay!" She even gives him the Double Eyebrow Lift of Flirting. How can he resist? HE CAN'T. Because it's Lizzie, and just like how she can't say 'no' to him, he can't say 'no' to her. EVER.
Pod People Lab. While the extras get the second pod ready for cracking, Rodney hand-porns his theory regarding the pods. Theory: the pod stores its occupant's memory much like a larger version of my USB flash drive. Skinner: "Yeah? So? And?" While this is going on, Shep face-acts the blatant change from Head Nod of Totally Not Listening to You, Omg to the Eyebrow Arch of Epiphanies. The hotshot pilot declares, "It's a black box." Wheee! Smart and sexy Shep is LOVE. Elsewhere in the room, Rodney and Skinner are discussing the ickiness of human flight recorders, but ultimately that's not important, because there's a more significant use for the Human Flashdrive. Rodney teases, "It could also be a means for two survivors to say a last goodbye." He's enjoying this episode way too much, because even though TPTB hate continuity, there's no way Rodney will ever let Shep live down his volunteer stint.
Shep: "Think this alien technology is dangerous?"
McKay: "Touch it. Maybe you'll get to kiss Lizzie."
Shep: "Are you sure there's no way for me to be infected by that nanovirus?"
McKay: "If you are, maybe you'll get to kiss Lizzie."
Shep: "Do these peas taste weird?"
McKay: " Maybe you'll fall into a hallucinatory fugue and end up kissing Lizzie."
Hee. Speaking of two lovers' last goodbye, here comes the second half of Sparky Representation as Carson pushes Lizzie, who's in a wheelchair, into the room. Yeah, I don't get it either, but we get a nice view of Carson's toned arms, so who am I to question it? There's some question as to whether Lizzie should be there, but Carson squashes that notion, revealing that "Elizabeth wouldn't take 'no' for an answer." Elizabeth or Phoebus? Hmm? MaybeLizzie happies a "Love is a powerful thing, Carson." In a scene that made me flash back to the cute "you're extremely optimistic" teasing in "The Eye"... Shep very matter-of-factly states that she's "a hopeless romantic." EEEEEEEEE! Obviously, this is the perfect forum for them to have this discussion. MaybeLizzie SUPERFLIRTS a "Well, you're just as hopeless. Otherwise you wouldn't have agreed." Zing! Shep, with the deepening Scruff of Worry (from when he sat for hours beside Lizzie's infirmary bed) and the Sexiest Bedhead to Ever Exist in Two Galaxies, can't respond because there's absolutely nothing for him to counter with, if it's SO FUCKING TRUE. So HopelessRomantic!Shep just gives a self-conscious Lip-Lick of Yum.
Even though Carson and Rodney are used to the Sheppard/Weir intimate and playful teasing in public areas but also know that Skinner can essentially tattle on them to the higher ups, Carson quickly changes the subject. After examining all the EEGs, he's pretty sure the imprinting will only last a few hours. Skinner: "Pinky swear?" Well, no, but if all else goes wrong, surely Beckett can whip up some kind of voodoo spell to cure what ails both Lizzie and Shep, right? As this is all being negotiated, Shep's busy asking himself why he volunteered again. Rodney just wants to get this episode moving again, so he proclaims a loud, "Well, I'm sold!" And Beckett agrees by doing this cute little bounce that could rival the adorableness of Shep's Little Hops of Dorkiness. Rodney works his magic on the pod, which opens to reveal a really old man. Carson's Gameboy Life Signs Scanner reveals the man to be Mostly Dead. He encourages them to do the imprinting ASAP. Skinner reminds Shep to disarm. Which he does, by absently handing his gun over to Rodney, who's all "...whu, gun?" Shep just stares at the pod, because let's face it; he's being a bit of a baby about this whole thing. Carson: "Move, damn you." Scaredy-cat Shep, who would have liked to have expressed his love for Lizzie as himself first before aliens used their bodies to sex like bunnies, tries to use the "You do know, they were husband and wife; anything can happen" angle as an excuse to avoid being completely controlled by an alien consciousness. But NO ONE ELSE even cares about the married thing since Lizzie and Shep already behave like they're So Married and Don't Even Know It.
MaybeLizzie doesn't like a reluctant Shep, so she does the Tok'ra Personality Exchange Head Thing again and PhoebusLiz reappears, assuring him with a rather vixen-like, "I promise I will be discreet." Why bother? Discretion is overrated. WE WANT TO SEE ALL INDISCRETIONS! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I'VE BEEN ACHING FOR MORE PHYSICAL CONTACT BETWEEN JOHN AND ELIZABETH SINCE THE DAY SHE SURPRISED HIM WITH THAT HUG? Anyway, in the face of all that sexiness -- both Lizzie's and Phoebus's -- Shep squeaks out a "Well, I guess I'll see you guys later." Hee. Poor Shep. He's so worried about fucking up his relationship with Lizzie, because either: 1) They'll have sex, it'll be horrible, and then they'll be so embarrassed about it afterwards, they'll end up avoiding each other and making their professional relationship ass for the rest of their lives, or 2) They'll have sex, and it'll be awesome, just like we all knew it would be because they are SO MEANT for each other and fit each other like missing jigsaw puzzles and other badfic clichés, and he'll be totally flailing because he won't know what to do with himself. Yes. (Shut up.) And wow, Sparky shipping has afflicted me with Run-On Sentence Disease. Rodney totally doesn't care about Shep's internal struggle, all, "Eh, have fun." Shep/McKay Anvils: "Gaaaah, NOOOOO!" Shep finally bites the damn bullet and shuffles hesitantly up to the side of the pod. Because this episode is apparently sponsored by ChapStick, Shep licks his lips a few hundred times. Not only does it make the sponsors happy, the lip licking has the added bonus of preparing his lips in anticipation of all the kissing and sexing that will occur during this "last goodbye." That's my interpretation, and I'm sticking to it! Ha!
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As expected, the beam hits him in the face. Instead of fainting, because he's a manly man who doesn't faint, he just stands there, asleep. Carson, ever the doctor, rushes forward with the intent to check on him, but PhoebusLiz prevents him from doing anything that might fuck up her experiment. Shep finally wakes up, and there's such a lovely close-up of his face and those gorgeous green eyes that I feel the need to pause the player right here and lick, I mean, clean my screen. There's a moment of silence and anticipation before PhoebusLiz finally greets MaybeShep, aka "Thalan," who immediately recognizes Phoebus. She tells him that the Atlanteans recovered their pods, and Carson, god bless his sweet heart, waves. Hee! PhoebusLiz starts around the pod toward ThalanJohn, informing him that they're the last two of their kind. His eyes glued to her, ThalanJohn mirrors her movements and meets her halfway. She eagerly tells him that "these generous people have allowed us to be together one last time." And then the camera caresses Shep's face in gorgeous close-up while everyone else waits for the sexing to commence. I'm sorry, maybe it's just me, but this camera angle is doing many favors for my girlie parts. *licks screen* All is not well in Alien Possession Land, however, as ThalanJohn directs a look of disbelief at Skinner, noting incredulously, "You consented to this." How endearing is Joe's lisp? Because it's quite lickable, thank you very much. "One last chance," PhoebusLiz declares, snapping his attention back to her before anyone can ask annoying questions, "to say goodbye to my husband." ThalanJohn looks... well, he looks a bit stunned and confused. But then PhoebusLiz grabs him by the Shep!head, plays with his ear, runs her fingers through the Shep!hair in a way that we all pretty much wish we could, and pulls him in for a kiss. A KISS! EEEEEEEE!
For those not into the Sparky (and yeah, you keep surprising me by sticking around *huggles*), here's your recap of the kiss scene: The kiss, it was long. The music, it was slow and a bit whimsical. The end. Skip the next few paragraphs.
For those here for the longer scene review, here we go: Damn, this kiss is long. *loops* She gets up into his body when she pulls him down to her level. I mean, there's totally chest/boob contact, and even with her pulling him down, you can sort of tell that she's on her tiptoes, which is a huge kink of mine. *loops* *loops!* And! And! And! If you watch it in slow motion -- not that I did (10 times) -- he totally puckers up and leans into the kiss. *loops* *loops* *loops* Not only does he lean into the kiss, he finds her lips before she's even finished pulling him toward her. I do not lie! Let's watch that scene again! And again!
Hmm. You know... it's actually very easy to get caught up in looping the kiss. Because that just happened to me. I wasn't keeping track of how many loops I sat through, but it is now twenty minutes later. Oops.
Let's check out the reaction from the peanut gallery. Carson: blinks a couple of times, smiles a soft "oh" and is all, "omg, where do I look, where do I look, where do I look?" Hee. Skinner: averts his eyes, uncomfortable, because Mulder and Scully didn't get their first kiss until season 12345 and two lead characters kissing in only the second season is just unheard of! Even if it happens to be an alien possession plot. Heh. Rodney: watches unabashedly and then chuckles a "huh" because even though he participated in the Shep and Weir Kiss betting, he never realized he had a chance in hell of actually winning. *LAS* I love Rodney's reaction the best. Why? Because contrary to what fanon likes to hammer into my head, Rodney apparently will NOT freak out if he sees Elizabeth and John kissing. Two hours later, there's the unmistakable sound of lip-smacking as our lovers finally break apart to breathe. PhoebusLiz releases him slowly, and ThalanJohn just stares at her, as if seeing her for the first time. Then. In the unmistakable Reserved for Lizzie Only voice that John last used in the infirmary, ThalanJohn admits, awed, "That's not what I expected." EEEEEEEEEE! Okay, I know that it's an Aliens Made Them Do It kiss, but in my head, that is totally the voice Shep would use with Lizzie in a situation like this. In fact, it's totally the tone he uses in many situations with Lizzie -- the 'John's having a moment with Elizabeth' tone. So that begets the question: How much of John and Lizzie were actually in that kiss? SOMEONE WRITE ME FIC, DAMMIT. And God, the close-up of their faces -- especially his -- is just delectable. It's so unfair that there are two people in the world THIS GORGEOUS and they just happen to be kissing each other in this scene. RAWR. Anyway, deep breaths...
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PhoebusLiz assures ThalanJohn that it is indeed her. I could comment that there might have been enough John and Lizzie in there to confuse Thalan, but that would require me to expound for another two or three paragraphs, and this recap is already getting way too long. (Pssss, gimme Phoebus/Thalan fic!) Now that their identities have been confirmed, they eyefuck each other while attempting to talk Skinner into letting them have a few minutes alone. PhoebusLiz: "Can we have a quickie?" Almost!Sparky: *eyefuck* Skinner: "WTF, NO! This is a basic cable show!" Almost!Sparky: *eyefuck* Carson suddenly defends them, holding back what seems like an approving giggle, all, "Don't be so heartless." Almost!Sparky: *eyefuck* Rodney supports Carson's sentiments, all, "Omg, I don't want to be here when they start ripping each other's clothes off... besides, they're two consenting adults." CARSON AND RODNEY ARE SPARKY SHIPPERS! Almost!Sparky: *eyefuck* Skinner defends his decision, because can they truly be consenting adults if Shep and Lizzie were manipulated into kissing each other by their respective alien possessions, or does the fact that they -- well, Shep, at least -- gave permission for their bodies to be inhabited, knowing that they would play husband and wife, be considered consent? In any case, the legalities of it don't matter. Shep and Lizzie's matching gorgeous eyes have not stopped fucking each other for this entire scene, making this quite possibly, their longest Alien Made Them Do It eyefuck EVER.
ThalanJohn agrees with Skinner's decision not to leave them alone. PhoebusLiz disagrees, reminding everyone that Lizzie is still the leader of Atlantis. Because this is apparently a game (and how much do I LOVE the almost teasing smile on ThalanJohn's face?), he counters that there should be an armed guard outside the door. PhoebusLiz matches his playful grin with a "Two guards. One outside each door." By this time, it's pretty obvious that they're working Skinner for intel and he has no idea he's being played, as evidenced by his naïve "Duh, took care of that, wasn't born yesterday." PhoebusLiz "of course"s him, and her eyes are twinkling with mischief and omg, she just looks totally gorgeous and evil in such a stunning way. And then we cut to ThalanJohn's face, and his eyes are shining back at her, and he's still got that awesome competitive grin on his face, and GOD, I JUST LOVE THESE TWO. I love these two SO MUCH, I'm going to need ointment for my Run-On Sentences Disease. *FLAILS* It's no wonder they had so much fun filming this episode. As they continue to do that assessing and yet slightly teasing eyefuck, the smile and glow slowly fades from PhoebusLiz's face. Then in a flurry of movement...
...they break their eyefucking and hightail it to opposite doors. ThalanJohn punches his guard in the face while simultaneously disarming him of his Wraith stunner. PhoebusLiz physically throws down her guard and disarms him. OMGWHEEEE! Let's watch that again! Sorry, but that was just visually FUN and EXCITING. ThalanJohn steps back into the room and fires at PhoebusLiz, who takes cover behind the doorframe. Skinner radios for a security team, but is promptly disabled by a blast from ThalanJohn's stunner. Rodney joins the firefight by carelessly aiming Shep's own pistol at him, shooting indiscriminately with his eyes squeezed shut. Carson yells for him to stop firing, because it's still Shep, omg, who flees, hurt. Before Rodney can snark about Damn Alien Possessions, PhoebusLiz steps back into the room with her stunner aimed at Rodney's head. Phew. So much action! So much fun! So much like a rip of Mr. and Mrs. Smith!
Rodney puts his hands up because he doesn't want to die, and condescends that "Okay, you two need some very serious marriage counseling." Or, you know, the exact opposite of Sparky. *las* Despite having awesome messed up hair and her Belly Button of Awesome showing from where her shirt's ridden up her torso, PhoebusLiz isn't in the mood to be sexy, playful, or snarky, all, "He's not my husband. He's the enemy. Drop your weapon." So Rodney does. Everyone's scared of Lizzie anyway, not just when she's possessed by a psycho killer alien bent on vengeance. She then orders Rodney to call off the security team, and how much do I want to sex her just on the way she delivers the line "and tell them everything is just fine"? MMMRAWR. Carson is just as enchanted by her bed-headed hotness, popping out of hiding to insist that "everything is not fine." Eh. She shuts him up by stunning him into silence. She's so awesome, she doesn't even need to look where she's aiming. She "Rodney"s McKay in her awesome evil voice, and dude, I am so in love with Torri right now, it's disgusting. Rodney pees his pants and blusters out a rambling message to security, but PhoebusLiz has had enough, spits out an annoyed "oh forget it," and zaps him. With everyone out of the way, she arms herself with the discarded 9mm pistol and Rodney's headset while snapping orders to her minions that Shep's been compromised and that she'll deal with him herself. Promise, Lizzie? Really, really promise, because I so want to see you and Shep do some Mutual Ass-kicking of Sexiness. Then she stalks purposefully out of the room. All sexy-like. Wheeee!
For the record, Kickass!Lizzie RULES. As does Action!Shep. Even if it's not really them.
As Evil!Lizzie makes her way through the city, Major Hottie Lorne and his crew of redshirt misfits fall into step with her. Evil!Lizzie: "Shep's not himself." Major Dimples: "Er...wtf?" Evil!Lizzie: "Don't ask questions. Let's just find him." Major Dimples: "Um... this isn't one of those perverted sex games I hear you and Shep are into, is it? I mean... yes, ma'am, at your disposal." Maybe it's just me, but you can almost hear the eyeroll in his voice. Heh. But his new hairdo? Not much of a fan, I have to say.
Lab of missing pod people. Skinner gets back on his feet just as Teyla and Ronon enter, after having spent the time between now and returning with the second pod practicing splits on her bed. Manly Man of Action wants to know WTF happened. Skinner's all, "She was playing us from the beginning, omg." Ronon is incredulous, but his voice is all, "Weir? For real? Cool." Skinner doesn't agree, adding that Shep is also compromised. Because Skinner has no sense of humor, Ronon doesn't say it, but thinks it: "Double cool." Yes, I agree. Or maybe I just put words in his mouth because the scripted ones are negligible for Manly Man Eyecandy. While Skinner radios control to patch him into the frequency reserved for the security teams -- actually, how do those damn radios work anyway? -- Ronon takes care of Carson. All Dex/Beckett (Deckett? Bex? Anyone care?) Anvils: "GLEE!" Pooh: "Hrm." Teyla and Ronon, who didn't even bother pulling his pants all the way up after the sweaty co-ed naked splits, decide that because their names are in the opening credits, they're much better equipped than anyone else to subdue and contain Mr. and Mrs. Evil. Because he's only a recurring character, Skinner sees the logic behind this, gives them the go ahead, and then crouches down to put a soothing hand on Carson's shoulder. For those who have purchased their Shipper/Slasher Guides to the Pegasus Galaxy before class started, hand-to-shoulderness is a big step in their relationship. But who would have thought to pair these two? Sneaky TPTB!
Major Dimples and team are still following Evil!Lizzie around Atlantis. No one's questioned why she's suddenly brandishing a Wraith stunner. Instead, Major Dimples mentions that it would be "helpful if we knew what was going on." Evil!Lizzie doesn't bother to answer because subordinates are on a need to know basis, even when they're as cute as Lorne. She's too focused on her mission to observe Team Dimples stopping in their tracks, obviously receiving Skinner's warning. The team aims their weapons, and Evil!Lizzie does a slow sexy turnaround. Huh, I never noticed before that she has Shep's pistol stuck into the back of her pants. Why NO ONE thought THAT was weird while they were checking out her ass walking behind her, is a mystery to me, but I'm too in love with this episode to complain much. Because Lizzie is LOVE! And Evil!Lizzie is the HOT. Dimples asks for her weapons, and as the rest of the team surrounds her, she tries to confuse them by placing doubt on Skinner's own identity. Well played, Evil!Lizzie, considering he was just de-Goa'ulded. Major Dimples is all, "fuck that, I'm a professional and I know where my chain of command goes." So as a professional, he orders her all business-like to hand over her weapons. So she does. And a younger, smarter-looking Jean-Claude Van Damme relieves her pants of the pistol, and hello, that's probably not a good place for his hands to go if he'd like to keep them.
The Poor Man's Van Damme then places a restraining hand on her shoulder to keep her from fleeing. But by the determined look on her face as she slowly turns to look at that hand, running away is the last thing on Evil!Lizzie's mind. In a fighting scene that would make even Jason Bourne grin stupidly with pride, Evil!Lizzie takes down everyone -- even throwing poor Major Dimples onto his back and knocking him unconscious. RAWRRRRR! Her hair is just awesome, flying all over the place, and that one sexy curl that keeps falling in her eyes kind of turns me on in all sorts of dirty ways. Anyway, with her security team now out of commission, she relieves them all of their weapons and grabs a tactical vest. Oh, and for all of you loving the skin peekage, she's got a bit showing... right up above her cute little butt. What? I can say that even though I'm totally het; she's way too hot for just men to gawk at, okay? Sheesh. Using Lizzie's knowledge of the city and of what Ancient tech she can control, Evil!Lizzie runs out of the room and disables the door, locking Team Dimples into that corridor. It's a quick shot, but I love that look in her eyes when she turns away. Yum.
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Have I mentioned that this recap is a love letter to Lizzie and Phoebus? Because it is. And someone explain to me why we have to wait 15 or 16 episodes EVERY season before getting a great Elizabeth episode? NOT COOL.
Dear TPTB,
GIVE TORRI SOMETHING AWESOME LIKE THIS TO DO IN EVERY SINGLE EPISODE. You have a super-talented and gorgeous woman as your female lead. USE HER!!!
Love, Pooh
The three men bested by Evil!Lizzie are finally making their way down to the control room. Skinner asks Sgt. Chuck for a report. Upon learning that they've lost contact with Major Dimples, Skinner orders the general population into lockdown with the exception of his security teams. Hmm, Caldwell's kind of hot with the bossing people around when he's not being a total ass. Rodney suggests using the HDTV Life Signs Detector to locate our quarreling lovers, and Skinner agrees since all security teams travel in packs, making it easier to differentiate between Alien Possessed and Non-Possessed Personnel. Everyone's ordered into action, but Rodney has issues with the new leadership. According to that chain of command thing the military likes to harp on, with "Elizabeth and Colonel Sheppard (Rodney still can't call him John, huh?) out of the equation, then..." Skinner: "I'm in charge." Rodney: "No, I'm in charge." Skinner: "I am." Rodney: "No, I am." Skinner: "Are you prejudiced against Those Formerly Goa'ulded?!" Rodney: "Nooooooo, but even with my fucked up math from three episodes ago, I was still here before you, and therefore, have seniority." Skinner: "Military situation, military leader." Rodney: "..." Carson: "Who's on first again?" And then, sick of the comedy routine, Rodney begrudgingly accepts Skinner's command, so they can finally get down to the business of saving Lizzie's and Shep's fine asses.
Elsewhere in Atlantis. Evil!Lizzie slinks through darkened corridors, armed with a P-90 and a radio. She contacts "Sheppard," who is taking a leisurely stroll over the I'm Too Sexy Catwalk he loves so much. He responds to her hail, reminding her that security teams can pinpoint their locations using the radios. She doesn't care, focusing on how the imprinting is temporary. Evil!Lizzie: "We both want a shot at the same thing." Evil!Shep: "You mean each other." Shep/Weir Shippers: "They looooooooove each other and wanna sex, omg!" (Yeah, I know. I'm gagging, too.) Evil!Lizzie evil-chuckles: "We can't sex for the shippers if you keep running." Back in the control room, Sgt. Chuck latches onto the radio chatter, all, "Uh, Skinner? Wanna eavesdrop on Shep and Lizzie's bedroom talk?" Skinner: "Duh! Put it on speaker so we can all hear." Everyone in the control room then listens and learns how to properly radiofuck. Or, you know, they could have just tuned in for a really boring history lesson, which boils down to Phoebus wanting Thalan deader than dead. Problem is, Phoebus loves playing with her prey, wishing "to see that look of defeat on your face one last time." Evil!Lizzie is so incredibly evil and psychotic, it's AWESOME. Evil!Shep was apparently hurt when Rodney stupidly tried to KILL HIM and manages to bandage his wound as I die of gratuitous arm porn. *DIES* That taken care of, he reveals that it was "hatred, Phoebus, not defeat." And then he twirls the Wraith stunner like a rogue cowboy at a gunfight, and I am dead dead dead from the hot. Evil!Lizzie winds him up with a "Is that any way to talk to your wife?" before spinning around a corner with her P-90 ready for action. RAWR. Before I can figure out whether or not they were really married (and I'm serious about fic), she spins in the other direction -- that one strand of hair that's escaped from behind her ear and hanging over her eye is hotter than a fucking hot thing -- and promises him that "the moment I find you, you die." The four men in the control room: "..." Then Carson makes me fall in love with him by deadpanning a "Well, they're headed straight for divorce." Heee!
Just in case the audience is confused, Skinner concludes that "the whole thing was a ruse" and that he doubts very much if they "were ever speaking to Dr. Weir." See? They should have taken their cues from Shep, who never seemed completely at ease around Lizzie post-imprinting; he was cautious the entire time, and he knows her best. Rodney smacks himself for falling for it -- or maybe that's just what I wish he'd do. In any case, Skinner sums up the entire situation as two fighter pilots who don't realize that their war is eons done and over with. But leave it to Rodney to point out the true doom and gloom of the situation. With appropriate finger-porning: "They know everything about this city. And when I say everything, I mean, EVERYTHING." Carson doesn't look happy at all, and he and Rodney share an Eyefuck of Impending Doom -- but not too long an eyefuck, for their love is secret and not meant for prying control room eyes -- before taking us out of this scene.
On a familiar walkway, Bamm-Bamm and Pebbles set up an ambush for Evil!Lizzie who enters at the far end, unaware of the danger lurking ahead. Then... Stock footage of exterior city swooshing from "The Siege, Part 2"! Still an incredibly awesome SFX. WHEEE! On the other side of the city, two unsuspecting security guys walk down a flight of stairs. Waiting underneath the stairs? Evil!Shep. As soon as the second guard hits the Magical Step of Oh-Oh, Evil!Shep reaches out through the steps and trips him. Poor random guy falls down the stairs, taking his friend with him. Ouchie. That's gotta hurt like a bitch. And then -- THEN! -- Evil!Shep slips under and through the banister onto the stairs, runs down the few remaining steps, punches the guard's friend, and steals his P-90. That sequence of moves was pretty damn awesome. Therefore, I am looping. Come back after a few iterations, kthxbye.
Back in the control room, Skinner orders a Full Alert Status and all gate activity suspended until further notice. Dun dun DUN! At the HDTV Life Signs Detector, Rodney and Carson are attached at the hip. Beckett/McKay Anvils: "Awww." Everyone else: "Awww." Rodney announces that an Evil!Possessed!Blip is nearing the Power Room. No sooner are the words out of his mouth when all power is cut. D'OH! Instead of growling a "You could have said something sooner!," Skinner stays surprisingly silent. McKay: "RAR!" Back on the Walkway of Eternity, Ronon and Teyla share a look, because they're trained to do one thing when the lights go out -- they sex. What? To give them some privacy, Evil!Lizzie throws herself over the balcony. Yes, all hot and sexy-like, especially with her shirt continually riding up like that. Rawr! To the person in charge of the laundry detail on Atlantis, I applaud your secret efforts at shrinking Lizzie's shirts in the wash. Well done, Mr. or Ms... um, Person. Having finished with their quickie, Ronon angry-monkeys up to the railing, but it's too late. Evil!Lizzie has disappeared. Oh noes. Teyla finally joins him just as he wonders, "How did she know?" Teyla's all, "Duh, you were loud enough. Also? Woman's intuition. Don't they have that on Planet Baywatch? Or were the women completely plastic?" Ronon refuses to answer, but suggests they split up, because that's always the smart thing to do. *eyeroll* "I'll take Sheppard. You go after Weir," he offers. Teyla: "That's kind of sexist." Ronon: "Yeah, but he's dumb and predictable, and she's SCARY and a WOMAN." Teyla okie-dokies, and they separate.
In the blackout, Carson waves around his X-Files flashlight, all, "What the-- bbqmice?" Rodney gripes about placing guards in the Power Room, but since he was the one staring at the HDTV Life Signs Detector when the Evil!Blip was in the Power Room, he should already know whether there were guards there. Duh. Skinner attempts to contact his men, but a quick cut to the Power Room reveals Evil!Shep firing the crap out of one of the consoles. Havoc wreaked, he mentally cackles a villainous laugh and runs out of the room, almost stomping on one of the insignificant menials sprawled on the floor. Back in the control room, Skinner whines about the auxiliary power, but Sgt. Chuck is the bearer of bad news: Evil!Shep fucked with the backups, too. Sneaky bastard! D'oh! Even Sgt. Chuck looks pissed. No one messes with Chuck, dammit! RAR! Right now, they're completely vulnerable, which would really suck if the Wraith chose this time to attack. But what about the Daedalus's sensors, since the ship is just joyriding above the planet. D'OH AGAIN -- subspace communications are down, too, which means there's no way to contact Hermiod. Pretty damn convenient, if you think about it, otherwise they could have had the naked little guy beam both Evils into separate holding cells somewhere. And come to think of it, WHY DIDN'T THEY DO THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE?! Not that I'm nitpicking, because this episode is love, omg!
Skinner orders Rodney down to the Power Room to get primary systems back up and running. Carson volunteers to tag along because he can't leave his Rodneykin's side for too long, even though he tells Skinner the real reason he wants to go is because marines might be hurt. Oh, Carson, you're so transparent. Anyway, Rodney cowardly-lions that Evil!Shep could be waiting to ambush them, since OBVIOUSLY, it's always about HIM. While Skinner orders a security escort to protect Rodney's brain from being accidentally injured, a frustrated Carson reminds him that Evil!Shep is only interested in killing Lizzie. And Rodney finally gives the McWeir Anvils something to cheer about by sarcastically yelling that "That is so much more comforting," because he loves himself some Lizzie and doesn't want anything bad to happen to her. Having had enough of Rodney's antics, Skinner shuts him up by snarling at him. It's all very hot. Trust me. And then Rodney puts his tail between his legs, takes his anger out on his escorts, and sulks out to do as he's told.
You can follow Rodney, or you can continue here.