2x13 Critical Mass
Ooh, a recap completed within one entry! Yay! Better late than never, I say. Another solo job -- as dirty as that sounds, it's not so much -- so send all hate mail to moi. Mind the extra commas floating around. I tried to catch them all, but those pesky little buggers are sneaky.
2x13: Critical Mass
One again, we are without the Previouslies. Remembering what episode came before, I say "hurrah!" to this decision.
We begin in the Gateroom, where RADEK! and a bunch of scientists are packing up loads of equipment. Radek doesn't look happy at all. From somewhere, Shep's lanky body comes into view, all nosy-like: "Going off-world?" Scowling, Radek grouches, "M7G-677." For those playing at home, that would be the Planet of the 25-Year Old Kiddies Who Look More Like 35 Except for the Cute Ones Who Followed McKay Around and Made His Life Miserable. According to Radek, the kids are having problems with their EM field generator and "McKay has decided that [Radek is] the most capable of all of Atlantis to fix it." On one hand, yay for trust and faith in Radek's SMRTness! On the other... EVIL!!!! Because Shep loves kids (and we love Shep around kids), he assures Radek that the kids are super duper. Radek is no idiot. He's well acquainted with the demon spawn that are children, e.g. his nephew. Hee. As if all those Rodney/Radek slashers needed another reason to support their ship -- both of them hate children! Shep's all, "...er... okay, buddy." But is luckily saved from Radek's wrath by Rodney calling him to the control room. From his vantage point up on Lizzie's balcony, Rodney is surprised that Radek is still around. Cute Snappy (that's Rodney/Radek, for those of you who don't like cute, non-smushed names) snarking ensues before Rodney finger-porns Radek with his index finger from afar and disappears back to the control room. Not to be outdone, Shep finger-porns Radek with his thumb and a click of the Shep!tongue before heading off to see WTF is going on. I could insert a length vs. width joke here, but technique's pretty important and I've already said way too much. Radek grumps us out of this scene.
Poll
(For the record, this was a perfectly innocent poll. If you made it DIRTY, then you are a PERV ... I respect that.)
Control Room of Semi-Doom. Everyone's staring at the HDTV. Bad news: Two Wraith cruisers are about a day or two away from Atlantis. Good news: They're not headed toward them, which makes sense since we still have 6 more episodes until the season finale. But the really good news? Rodney points out that there's "short but intense energy bursts passing between" the two cruisers. Kind of like Sparky eyefucking. Only not as fun. Ronon hazards a guess, "They're fighting each other?" Because he's successfully stepped out of his comfort zone of just stating the painfully obvious, he should consider taking off his shirt to celebrate. Or something. Next to him, Shep sends a shout out to all the Pointy Elf Ear Fangirls by playing with said appendage. Rodney, the only one still paying attention to the script, smugs that "in [his] expert opinion: yes, totally fighting, omg." Well, now that that's settled... Shep and Lizzie agree that this is all Very Good News.
That boring Earth place. For the record, while I still watch SG-1, I've pretty much stopped paying attention to it the past few years. Oh, and I also hate anything to do with the Trust, aka The Poor Man's X-Files Consortium of Nefarious Evildoers. So... yes, I take it as a personal affront that not only must I deal with General Laundry (Landry, Laundry, Melodramatic Eye-Popper Actor, whatever) again, I'm forced to recap a Trust-related storyline. Barrett's cute and all, but even the adorkable Poor Man's Mulder can't keep me from the claustrophobic misery of being stuck in my own personal hell right now. Laundry's all, "I was busy separating my whites from my colors so this better be important." Mulder Jr.s' all "ZOMG, this is way more important! Notice how I am gesticulating with my hands!" So Laundry's all "A little bleach will take care of that." And then Mulder Jr. tells him how Bush's Sekrit Eavesdropping Nosybodies (*no political stance has been taken; just snark) have allowed them to keep up with the increase in The Trust chatter. Bottomline: They've infiltrated everywhere, omg! Oh, and there's a bomb on the bus! Except, by 'bus,' I mean 'Atlantis.' Laundry reacts to this news with the Wide-eyed Exaggerated Blinking of Oh Noes... which cracks me up to no end. Oh, Beau, look where you've ended up. But anyway... Dun Dun DUUUUUN!!!
Bathroom break! Fridge run! Oh, and CREDITS! Who picked the pics for the theme? *kicks them* Poor Carson looks like he's trying to catch Darts with his mouth.
Deep in the bowels of the SGC. It's a threesome now! DR. LEE! *LOVES* Mulder Jr. and Laundry are briefing Dr. Lee on the bus, er, bomb situation. Dr. Lee asks the question that we're all dying to know the answer to: All right. Pop quiz. The airport. Gunman with one hostage. He's using her for cover... Oh, crap, wrong recap. Dr. Lee's real question: Why the hell do the Goa'uld want to blow up Atlantis if there's really cool toys over there? Answer: Goa'uld are stupid. No, wait, the real answer is that they're scared of the Wraith, thereby increasing the number of people who don't want the Wraith to show up unexpectedly in the Milky Way to... EVERYONE. Makes sense, since the Wraith can suck the lifeforce out of you with their pinkies and the Goa'uld can... um, talk in funny voices. No contest there. In the foreground, Mulder Jr. either really needs to pee or is trying really hard not to smirk at the visuals of a Goa'uld vs. Wraith war. I'm laughing my ass off, too. Because seriously, EVERY enemy is more formidable and scarier than the Goa'uld. Then Dr. Lee wins my love forever because he's obviously crushing the entire Atlantis expedition, as he should, seeing how there are so many pretty people all in one city.
According to the intel received, they believe a "lower level operative planted the bomb. Which means we're dealing with a human." And then Laundry's eyes do the Widening of Oh Noes again. Damn Lower Level Operatives! The bomb's supposed to detonate the next time Atlantis dials Earth, which makes me unbelievably happy since I hate that they can make contact so easily. Laundry ominouses, "Which is todaaaaaaaaay." In roughly 2 plus hours, real time, not that Stanktuary of Ascension Suck Time. Dr. Lee: "Oh noes, not the pretty people!" Then Laundry over-emotes the 'we have no way to warn them, omg!' flail. Dr. Lee excitedly remembers the Daedalus, but then remembers that oops, they're still too far away. D'oh! Laundry has total faith that Dr. Lee will be able to single-handedly solve this problem. After all, that's what he pays him for. And then we fade out on Dr. Lee trying to decide whether he really wants this week's paycheck. 'Cuz, PRESSURE, OMG.
Atlantis. Rodney and Shep walk-and-talk through an area we've never seen before as Rodney informs Shep about Lizzie's planned transmission back to the SGC. As they round a corner, we see Cadman futzing with one of those Blinking Lights Mainframes That Don't Do Anything. Rodney's stunned: "Cadman?!" Cadman explains that "something came up" -- and I'm going to be mature and not make a Carson joke -- and Shep allowed her to stay on 'Lantis instead of shipping her back to Earth. Shep smiles innocently. *pets the pretty* Rodney fails at pretending that Cadman's presence doesn't freak him out. Cadman then takes leave because she's got important stuff to do (Carson), but not before sharing a secret smile with Shep, since they're obviously working in cahoots to mindfuck Rodney. Heh. The two men continue their pede-conference. Shep licks his lips and comments that he thought after all the time that's passed, Rodney "would have stopped being creeped out by her." Rodney explains, "She just has a way of getting under my skin." And proves this by running straight into some poor unsuspecting soul coming from the opposite direction. He makes the constipated face as Shep quips a "Literally." Haha. If you didn't get the reference back to "Duet," YOU LOSE.
Infirmary of Rare Fandom Pairings. Teyla -- without the gorgeous appendage known as Ronon at her side -- hurries into the infirmary and interrupts Carson's work to ask that he accompany her to the mainland. Carson does the doctorly "oh noes! What's wrong?!" only to be informed that Teyla's pretend grandmother, Charin, is very ill. Teyla asks if Carson will make a house call, and Carson, being the sweetie that he is, agrees with an "of course, love, say no more." For those of you secretly shipping Carson/Teyla... hi!
Insert some porny joke about mountains -- if any exist. Dr. Lee's giving a presentation to a whole lot of lower level operatives of the non-evil variety. Visuals include the 'hi, my name is Atlantis,' 'I'm Earth,' and 'this is the Daedalus' doodles. His plan is to send a group of scientists to some rinky dink planet in order to set up relay points for subspace data burst transmission from Earth to Pegasus. He does a pretty good job of making the techspeak simple enough to understand, equating the passing of their warning message through the relay points to something of an intergalactic phone tree. Non-evil lower level operatives: "..." Dr. Lee: "I have kids!" Okay, that's actually not the important thing he says, but I just wanted to note that Dr. Lee has kids! Awww! Dr. Lee: "Like the damn Twilight Bark from 101 Dalmatians, dummies!" Lower level operatives: "..." Dr. Lee: "Lord of the Rings signal fires!" And then all the nerds start nodding and patting each other on the back for being total tools. Since all these people didn't even get the initial whiteboard drawing which I thought was pretty much self-explanatory, they're ALL FIRED. Sadly, the SGC needs its geek redundancy so Laundry just tells them to gear up. Pooper.
Hyperspace love canal; insert Daedalus. From nowhere, Novak's disembodied voice informs Colonel Skinner that they just received the first data burst transmission from Rinky Dink Planet of Convenience asking them to relay the Bomb Threat of Doom to Atlantis. Skinner asks if they're within range of Atlantis, and just as Novak's about to nod an affirmative -- which Skinner can't see over the radio anyway -- someone "NO"s her. And lookie here. It's everyone's favorite Pony-tailed Town Crier of Doom and Gloom, Kavanagh. Oh, how we've missed you. NOT! As expected, Ponytail dooms and glooms that alas, they're already out of transmission range. In his captain's chair, Skinner makes either the Oh Crap, That Really Sucks Ass face or the OMG, Your Voice Grates On Me So Much face. It's a little hard to tell, but the man is definitely not passing kidney stones, that's for sure. Seems like they're up shit creek since they don't have time to return to Atlantis before Lizzie accidentally blows them up with her weekly status report.
But of course, Hermiod, our favorite naked alien, saves the day. Hermiod's plan: modify the hyperdrive to get the Daedalus to a distance conducive for radio transmission back to Atlantis before their scheduled gate dial. The only problem: the hyperdrive may be permanently damaged, trapping Kavanagh between galaxies, which isn't really a big deal except that all those poor people and Hermiod would be trapped there with him. Even I'm not evil enough to wish that upon them. But it's okay, because Hermiod knows what he's doing! Kavanagh: *doubts Hermiod, omgwtf!* Hermiod: *ignores the human with squicky hair* Skinner: "Make it so, Number One." Because even though he's Data-like in attitude... in spirit, Hermiod is so Riker to Skinner's Picard -- manwhore of the Daedalus; why else would he forgo pants? Kavanagh: "Blah blah blah can't do it, neener neener." Hermiod: "Dude. Stop. Talking. Please." And no, that was not an eyefuck. Because that's DISGUSTING. Also, Hermiod can do so much better. Stunned by the naked alien's audacity, Kavanagh: *jaw drop of 'Oh, No, You Di'in't'* And because all aliens are disgustingly polite, Hermiod: "Thank you." Hee!
Lizzie's Hizzouse! MamaBear's clan has their shit together. Rodney's finishing up the data compression for their report while Chuck pretends to look busy fiddling with this and that. CHUCK! While we're all standing by, I can take the time to add Chuck to the list of people on 'Lantis who need to have their shirts ripped off their bodies. What?
When sending a phallic-looking spaceship through a pulsing tunnel, music selection is key. Please note: the throbbing beat of the Daedalus's engines. Skinner checks on their status and Novak assures him they're almost there. Mr. Doom and Gloom does what he does best, which is dooming and glooming a "We're not gonna make it. Game over, man." Oh, pish posh. How can you say that when HERMIOD is there? Pfft.
Ancient City of Oblivious. Rodney's supergeek compression program completes and Lizzie gives Chuck the order to dial the gate. SLOW DOWN, CHUCK! Except Chuck's an expert at gate dialing and can do it two-handed -- without the hunt and peck, even. Rodney's all "lalala" with the hand-to-mouth porn until he notices an incoming transmission on his laptop, and that's a pretty damn lucky coincidence since everyone knows Rodney's the resident speed reader. Also pretty damn helpful, considering how fast Chuck is with that gate dialing thing. The camera goes into the Extreme Close-up of DOOM! on Rodney's face and he yells a "STOP!" Everyone: "WTF." And then they stare at him, because hell, that's what you would do, too. Rodney puts out the Mommy Hands, trying to reach Chuck before he does something Really Really Bad. And OMG, Chuck was like an inch from blowing up all of Atlantis! Bad Chuck! His hands do the Narrowly Avoided Death and Destruction Tremor and he pulls away quickly as Rodney slumps in his seat, relieved.
After everyone's changed their pants, they all head to Lizzie's office. It's all work and no play for Lizzie, Rodney, Shep and Ronon. In an attempt to be a more mature, more responsible recapper, I will refrain from discussing shallow things like the fit of certain articles of clothing. Just know that everyone looks very nice today; some more than others. *las* Rodney details the precautions needed to ensure that they don't accidentally blow up the city while they try to figure out what's what. This includes disconnecting the ZPM and discontinuing gate travel. Unfortunately for some -- see: Zelenka -- this means they'll be stranded off-world for an indefinite amount of time. Oh, poor Zinka! (tm kyrdwyn, see: crack!fic) Stuck with all those hateful demon spawn! You know he's definitely gonna need a lot of loving from *insert slash or het sex partner(s) of choice* when he gets back. Since Shep's the one who woobies a "Stuck with all those kids," I guess he wins. I know, it pains me to slash Shep with anyone, but since I'm totally snurching Kyr's nickname for Radek, it's the least I can do to throw her a John/Radek bone. (Crap! Not that you'd be interested in my typos, but I type pretty fast and weird things come out. Like "boner" instead of "bone." And come to think of it, I probably should have used an entirely different word.)
Lizzie tackles some administrative stuff, telling Rodney to send a 'thanks for the warning' message back to the Daedalus and to bounce another one back to the SGC. Shep's all, "Ask them if they can give us a little more than 'there's a bomb in Atlantis.'" And then he does this adorable head shake that... yeah... I'm such a sucker for Shep. And now we go to the question and answer portion of our recap. Question: Why is Lizzie The Awesome? Answer: Because she pretty much figures out the whole Trust/Goa'uld/Wraith connection/reasoning by herself. Lizzie wins at EVERYTHING! And so do we because she's on our TV. Rawr! McKay: "Wha?" Shep: "When did the Goa'uld get involved in this?" Pooh: "When the hell did Shep learn about the Goa'uld?" Also: "Why don't TPTB teach all the actors how to say 'Goa'uld' correctly?" Going by actors' pronunciation alone, there's like ten different variations. Oh, and JF? You lose. Lizzie is totally up to date on the Goa'uld storyline since she TOTALLY PWNED a bunch of them back in "New Order."
Ronon, who's from Planet Baywatch and can still pronounce "Goa'uld" better than Shep, asks the obvious Alien question: "WTF is that?" Shep answers with all the slimey, burrowing, snakey details, and adds that he's "read enough SG reports to know [he] doesn't want anything to do with them." Aha! Nice one, writers, trying to slip that in there all inconspicuous-like. He may not want it, but I'd love to see Shep go up against a real Goa'uld just once, even if it might invite Jack Jr. comparisons. Rawr. The three Earthlings run down the list of Things To Do To Avoid Kablooeys and Shep tells Rodney to get Cadman to help because "she's a big bomb expert" -- one of the best, of course, though for once, I'd love it if someone actually admitted, "well, she sucks at bombs, but she's the only one who's free," because it happens, even if no one actually says it. Rodney's unconvinced, "She is? How convenient is that?" Pretty damn convenient, but having been weaned on Veronica Mars, I recognize a Super Red Herring Plot Device when I see one. Lizzie also wants to recall the Daedalus. Even though it'll cut them off from Earth, it means ample opportunity for maximum torture of all personnel. Rock on, MamaBear.
Poll
Music of Exaggerated Urgency. Rodney disconnects the ZPM. Pretty damn suspenseful, if you ask me. So we move on.
Village of Yurts, nighttime. Inside one of the Dirty People Athosian tents, Carson is asking for permission to draw some blood. For those of you still playing at home, the old lady caught in the fishermen's net is Charin, who we last saw making soup for Teyla in "The Gift." To reward Charin for being such a good patient, Teyla tells her she made her "tuttleroot soup," the Athosian-equivalent of a post-doctor's visit lollipop. Charin has the same reaction as I do: "Teyla cooking? Er... okie doke?" From that, we can predict that this is not going to end well. Even Carson seems doubtful. But Teyla's all, "I've been PRACTICING, OMG!" So at least we know that Ronon's being fed regularly, since she's got to practice on someone, right? Teyla's giddy. "Hopefully, some day, I will be able to cook as good as you." And I ask, "WTF? Women don't NEED to cook! That's why God invented restaurants and take-out and boytoys who are handy in the kitchen." Charin tastes the soup and laughs an "Oh, I'm afraid that day will be far in the future." LMFAO. Charin totally dissed Teyla! Even Carson giggles at that. CUUUUUUUTE! Teyla, on the other hand, looks slightly peeved at being the butt of everyone's joke, but then she glances over at Carson. And makes the CUTEST POUT EVER. Damn Carson/Teyla anvils! *tries to beat them down, gives up* God help me, but they are sort of cute together.
Charin assures her that she doesn't need crappy cooking skills to win any man because Ronon, much like Rodney, will eat almost anything. Besides, she has a higher purpose -- to sex Ronon. Oh, er, and to be the Woman Warrior Leader of All the Dirty People. Because she must accept her Higher Purpose, Charin wants her to prepare the Ring Ceremony. Did I miss the part where Ronon proposed? Oh! My bad. Not that ring ceremony. It's some rare celebration of natural death since most Dirty People get eaten first before they're allowed the option of old age. There's a lot of gobbledy-gook about what's involved in the festivities, but Teyla puts her foot down, declaring "I am not ready for that." Well, that's fine, since you're not the one dying. Charin has nothing to say to that since Teyla's busting out the tears, so she just fixes Teyla's wig for her.
South side! West side! Earth side! Laundry and Mulder Jr. pede-conference through the SGC. MJ's got more intel for the big boss man, which basically boils down to "we've got nothing." A flailing Mulder Jr. does have one new piece of info, though, and that's that the mechanism for setting off the bomb is entirely on Atlantis and Earth can claim no responsibility for any explosions that may or may not occur on the other end. Carter's returned from off-world duties to help figure out what the trigger might be and Laundry tells him to get to it.
Space Limbo. On the Daedalus, Novak informs everyone that the SGC has determined the bomb detonator is on Atlantis. Dun Dun DUN! There's some untangling of phone tags with regards to who gets dibs on the Daedalus, but that's boring. Just know, what Lizzie wants, Lizzie gets.
Control room. Looks like Rodney's forced to work with the Red Herring, I mean, Cadman. Rodney scoffs at the fact that Cadman is an explosives expert. Yeah, it's all pretty sketchy. Anyway, Cadman's all, "Blah blah blah and tap dancing and yes, I do windows, too." Then she gives him a flirty smile and tries to eyefuck him. Rar. Meanwhile, Lizzie contacts Shep over the radio with a "Colonel Sheppard." I miss the namegasms. *sigh* Shep checks in -- everything's okay on the east side -- and heads for the west side. Ronon also checks in from the grounding stations and says everything looks hunky dory, although, really, he's alien eyecandy so exactly how would he know? Shep tells Lizzie they need to keep their panties unwadded since it's a big city, and as soon as she's about to inform them of the SGC's newest message, the chevrons start activating by themselves. Chuck: "It's not me, swear to god!" Rodney: "OMGWTFPOLTERGEISTS?" Lizzie: *confused* For some reason, the gate's dialing Earth by itself, but thank god Rodney had the foresight to disconnect the ZPM. Back in their nefarious lair, The Trust: "D'OH! *facepalm*" Shep radios in, "Did the gate just dial itself?" For a guy that could have died a second ago, he sounds pretty damn calm. Lizzie: "Yesh!" Rodney blahblahblahs about stupid timed programs that try to circumvent low level operative manual operations. Of course, Rodney's all smug that he was smart enough to pull the ZPM to prevent such things from happening accidentally. Even if it were just luck. The glee doesn't last long because party pooper Cadman's all, "Er, dude? You're beeping." Rodney oh-noes that the gate dialing was a diversion to keep everyone from realizing the distress beacon was transmitting. Damn pesky Goa'ulds! Shep's all, "Turn the damn thing off!" So Rodney turns the damn thing off, except TOO LATE! OMGWTFWRAITHCRUISERS!
'Lantis, all lit up at night. Pretty! All the important people are holding a Conference of WTF, We Need Another Lame Plan to Trick the Wraith Again? Rodney does the snapping finger porn and comes up with some elaborate plan to divert the Wraith to the mainland -- because obviously, Dirty Athosians aren't that important -- and fool them into thinking they were actually tracking rubble from the Atlantis Kerblooey of "The Siege, Part 3." Rodney: *smug* Shep: "Back the genius train up." He starts verbally plotting a convoluted timeline of all the things that have happened so far, but what he can't wrap his pretty bedhead around is "WHY?" Why would their bomber make everything so difficult for himself/herself by involving the Wraith ships? Cadman, who's very wee next to Lizzie, suggests that perhaps the bomber wanted to eliminate the Wraith ships and the city at the same time. Er... go tap dance on the other side of the control room, please. While Rodney squashes that theory, Shep shakes his head and makes cute faces in the background. Shh, he's making the Pondering Face of Deep Concentration. Then Lizzie smacks everyone back to work because DEADLINE, omg.
Other side of 'Lantis... where the less important people play. And here comes Teyla wearing some funky shirred pants and a new vest over her usual purple top. Carson chases her down, wondering what she's up to. Awww. There goes another Carson/Teyla Anvil. *ducks* Teyla, Woman Warrior, is off to gather her Dirty People and bring them back to Atlantis to hide from the mean Wraith. Or something. I don't know. I was too busy staring at Carson in that nummy black shirt. The good doctor is worried about this plan of action since, you know, there's still a BOMB on Atlantis. Teyla's all, "In Lizzie we trust!" Because truer words have yet to be said, there's no need to argue that point. Carson steers the conversation back to the reason why he ran after her (you know, other than for Anvil purposes). He's finished his tests on Charin and yadda yadda yaddas about pacemakers and stuff, which is probably only really interesting to me because of the whole Master!of!Science! in cardiovascular-related things. Ahem, *cough* And stuff. *geeks out* Teyla has no clue what the fuck a pacemaker is, but glees upon hearing that Charin may yet live another 200 years with Carson's help. Then, because time is precious, she subtly hints that she needs to get her ass moving or else her Dirty People will be Wraith entrees. And she's off.
Earth! WALTER! Walter doesn't look too happy. Laundry, because he luffs his "Chief," picks up on the nonverbal cues. OTP, baby. Chief's got bad news: 1) Lizzie wanted the Daedalus to go to Atlantis, 2) Lizzie overruled Laundry (ha!) since people are more afraid of her than of Laundry, and 3) Atlantis and Earth are cut off from each other once again. THANK GOD. This means I don't have to recap any more stupid Earth/SGC scenes. Rar.
Oh, what a beautiful mornin'; oh, what a crappy-ass day. The Governor of the city is busy sifting through personnel files on her computer when lo, her favorite military commander swaggers in and, without stopping, moves behind her desk to look over her shoulder. Their arms are practically touching, omg! Excuse me while I mentally squish them together in a passionate embrace, have Shep do the table clearing thing JF seems to do in almost all the shows he's guested on, and then force them to have really dirty sex on her desk. What? How Lizzie manages to keep her eyes glued to the computer when Shep is sporting the Thigh Holster of Yum and wearing the Black Shirt of Chest-Accentuating Yum, I have no clue. Their lack of personal space around each other is just really hawt and awesome... although that thing hanging on her wall behind Shep is kind of scary. Not to mention, the fact that she also has the Book of Shadows on her desk beside his birthday gift from last season is sort of worrisome. They discuss the passenger manifest for the Daedalus and do the Just Missed Making Real Eye Contact Eyefuck (WHAT? Shut up). A couple of names sound suspicious, which sucks, because Lizzie really doesn't want to believe anyone could suck so much. Oh, Lizzie; she's such a MamaBear.
Shep finally sits his ass down in a chair, which is way less distracting than say, him standing behind Lizzie and giving her a backrub -- which I bring up only because I could really use a backrub right now. And then he decides to rain on her parade by reminding her that there are also some sketchy people still ON Atlantis. His reasoning: all the stuff that's happened even though the Daedalus is still somewhere out in space. Lizzie: "Aw, fuck." She doesn't think anyone would be stupid enough to blow themselves up along with their target, but then Shep turns the TeeVee on to the news and Lizzie's all, "Oh, yah, der." She leans across the table, all, "So who gets to be the scapegoat in this episode?" Rodney, who's standing just outside the door, was waiting for this very cue and enters, volunteering our Red Herring of the Week. Shep squeaks a "What? Are you on crack?" Not to be deterred, Rodney has already mentally prepared his bullet point list of why Cadman being a Red Herring is actually a Red Herring in of itself. Get it? Got it? Good. To be fair, Rodney's got some good points, but they're all part of the Plot Device of Contrived Coincidences. Shep and Lizzie do some telepathic discussion over whether or not to take Rodney's claims seriously. Ultimately, Shep rolls his pretty green eyes and brushes off Rodney's concerns because Cadman "is one of the most trusted officers in [his] command." And then because he just can't let it go, he rehashes "Duet": "Not to mention she was stuck in your head for some time." As if they were mutually exclusive. God knows, I've had a tiny voice in my head for ages, and I still don't trust it one bit.
Rodney's irritated by the fact that Shep can't let a joke go, even though there's continuity love. Yay! Shep insists that Rodney of all people should know that Cadman is incapable of doing the things he's accusing her of doing, but Rodney happily offers up brainwashing as a possible explanation... just as Cadman enters the office and loudly calls attention to herself. Both Rodney and Shep's faces get stuck with an Oh Crap expression while Lizzie just smiles serenely because she is so exempt from getting her ass kicked by Cadman after the crisis is over. Cadman updates her on the Daedalus's status -- landed on time and has taxied to the terminal -- but I'm too busy licking my lips over Shep, who's slouched into his chair and eyefucking Lizzie out of the corner of his eye. For the record, they're totally telepathically snerking over Rodney getting busted by Cadman, who gives Rodney the dirtiest look ever. Shep and Lizzie follow their tap-dancing bomb expert out of the office as Rodney acts out the Oh Shit, Oh Shit, Oh Shit Look.
Poll
Power Struggle of Forced Tension. Colonel Skinner and Lizzie do the walk-and-talk as he informs her that all personnel have been locked into their quarters until he's ready to torture, I mean, do some creative interrogation of the crew -- for we do not torture our own people. Nope. Lizzie huffily interrupts Skinner because TPTB have declared that they MUST have conflict since Shep, that amiable bastard, would rather snuggle instead of fight with her. There's some petty bitching over who actually has jurisdiction over the torture sessions, but then Skinner remembers that he is Lizzie's bitch -- as are the majority of men who stupidly attempt to go toe to toe with her -- and gives in. LIZZIE WINS ALL! Having been set in his place, Skinner's all, "So who's on first?"
Who do you think? Duh. If Cadman and her convenient 'Oh, Didn't I Mention She's This Super Duper Kerblooey Expert?' skills are a Red Herring, then there is absolutely no way Kavanagh is the Dumbass Sucker Silly Enough to Want to Go Up Against Lizzie and Her Army of Hot Mens. It's just way too obvious a choice. Whatever. Kavanagh: "Who me? It couldn't be! I didn't steal the cookie from the damn cookie jar." Lizzie: "Nuh uh. We don't suspect you AT ALL. Your name is just first on our non-alphabetical, totally random, picked your name out of a hat list." Kavanagh: "You don't fool me, h0r!" Lizzie questions Ponytail's yo-yo tour of duty on Atlantis. Kavanagh fights back with his List of Woe about how unappreciated he is. There's a bunch of back and forth about Kavanagh's unrequited crush on Lizzie. Or something. Not sure. I started fast forwarding a bit just because Kavanagh's boring. Somewhere in there, Ponytail employs the Snicker of Villainous Glee and snorts a couple of times before trying to accuse Lizzie of being ruled by her emotions. He's all, "You don't have the--" and has trouble finding the words, but he's obviously searching for 'balls' and dude needs to be careful because Lizzie's got bigger balls of titanium compared to most of the men in two galaxies. Kavanagh: "Incompetent!" Lizzie: "Sissy!" Kavanagh: "WOMAN!" Lizzie: "TOOLBAG!" No, wait, that last one was me. Sadly, Lizzie lets the bastard have the last word, and he happily stabs her in the back by claiming she's a bigger threat to the city than The Trust. Poor Lizzie wibbles on that. Hateful man. Just wait until Shep comes and kicks his ass for that.
Produce aisle of Athosian supermarket. Oh, sorry, that's actually Charin's yurt of hurt. Teyla chatters on and on about how they're going to the city and they'll be safe, yadda yadda. Charin's all, "Let me die, pleeeeeease." Of course, this isn't what Teyla wants to hear. She's all, "Carson's got magical voodoo powers to heal you!" Charin: "No, seriously. JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY, H0R!" Then Teyla gets teary because her parents, her family, her friends, and her college roommate's sister's brother's cousin's cat's kitty's owner's father's whatever are all gone gone gone. There is, of course, a perfectly reasonable explanation for all this: NO ONE WANTS YOU, TEYLA. Then the waterworks start because Teyla doesn't want Charin to leave her all alone. *sniffle* Dammit, I'm a cold-hearted bitch and even Teyla's got me sniffling. Oh, wait... still recovering from the flu, s'ok. Charin does the obligatory, "your people are your family and they need you to lead them or whatever it is you do when they're here in the Dirty People Village and you're all the way across the big ocean doing splits with that Manly Man Ronon, who's pretty damn HOT so well done, girlfriend. But, er, follow your destiny, yes!" And then, thankfully, we cut out of this scene before I have to fend off the Anvils of Mushy Teyla Woobieness.
Creative Interrogation 101. Looks like Novak made the short list. You can't trust someone who hiccups, yo. Novak: "Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah x infinity omg someone shut me up before I start confessing for no good reason other than I can't seem to STFU. La." Lizzie: "..." Exactly. And of course, because this is Novak and TPTB never met a tired old joke they didn't like beating into the ground with the dead horse (or um, something or other), Novak experiences one of her annoying bouts of hiccups. Bleh. Since recapping Novak may end up taxing my sanity, I'm just going to skip to the end. She fingers Creepy Ponytail Guy (and ew, not in that way; though the way she describes it, Kavanagh might have had a crush on Novak), which supports all of Lizzie's fears. Before anything can happen, Rodney radios in requesting Lizzie's presence for Very Important Things.
Control room. Lizzie asks what's up. Shep tells her that there's no Bomb of Death and Destruction. Before Lizzie can rejoice in this news, Rodney has to poop all over her glee by clarifying that while there's no actual device, there could still be an explosion. And then Rodney gets really close to Chuck. *las* You know, Shep's hair is really distracting. All I can think about is how it's so much more sticky-uppy right now than it's been in awhile, and poor Rodney's trying to finger-porn my attention back onto him. Sorry, McKay. Rodney explains all the ways they can still be vaporized -- while Chuck checks out his ass -- and how it's all tied into the ZPM, which "controls a massive amount of power." Shep, translating for Lizzie: "Like a dam." Hee. Rodney: "No, well, okay, yes, maybe." And Shep does the cute Yeah Yeah Yeah Head Nod while looking kind of bored. Heee! Then he slips in a quick arch of the eyebrow. Crap, I keep forgetting I'm supposed to be recapping the show and not every single tiny movement that Shep makes. My bad. But god, the man is so pretty. And smart! Rodney: "Something something something overloading dam is bad. Therefore, failsafes." Shep, still translating: "Like a spillway." Rodney whines, "Can we please just stick to 'failsafes'?" Causing Shep to do the 'Whatever, Rar!' Eyeroll and Shake of his head. God, he's just so damn adorkable.
Anyway, long story short, our Happy Bomber Wannabes did a whole bunch of things to mask all the whatevers, which Lizzie correctly concludes would cause the ZPM to overload. In this close-up of Lizzie, you can see Shep's arm draped across the console behind her, and it looks like his arm is around her. Hey, I point out the Shep slash, let me have my ridiculously stretched het moment. Rodney wibbles that the overload would be catastrophic, with the "explosion destroying not only the city but the entire planet." This is something Rodney understands, since he blew up five-sixths of a solar system once upon a time. Shep, who takes pride in ribbing McKay, doesn't harp on "Trinity" since it's still a sore point between them. He merely asks if they can re-enable the failsafes. They can, but only if they can crack the secret password. Don't you hate when that happens? Rodney continues to doom and gloom about catastrophic overload and Chuck keeps sneaking glances at his ass. Oh, Chuck, why are you so eager to join the Atlantis Slash Orgy? *CRIZ* Anyway, blah blah blah, Rodney, with the help of some finger porn, and Lizzie connect the dots on how Wraith cruisers ultimately equal Atlantis Kablooey. The scene ends with the Music of Doom playing over Lizzie's Migraine of 'We're Fucked' and JF looking like he would really like to go home and sleep in his own bed right now.
Torture (except not really)! Lizzie faces off with Kavanagh, who smarmily tries to make both Rodney and Radek into suspects. Of course, Lizzie is not fooled. She tells him she can picture him working for The Trust, which seems to hurt Kavanagh's feelings because he's wiping away tears. I'd aww, but I don't really care. Lizzie can make grown men cry. RAWR. Faced with mounting circumstantial evidence against him, Kavanagh contradicts his earlier statement about not having friends on Atlantis. Lizzie is awesome and not stupid so she calls him on it. Busted, Kavanagh knows he can't win this round. Damn straight. There's no time for all this bullshitting around, and I agree, because I would really like to finish up this recap. So Lizzie puts her foot down and demands the access codes that would allow them to end this episode. Kavanagh smugs a "What? You're going to torture me or something? Pfft." They face off, and because she's got an endoskeleton made of adamantium, Lizzie wins and Kavanagh blinks first. And then pees his pants because Lizzie can be one scary beyotch when she wants to be.
Control room, again. Rodney thinks he can get the cloak to work without blowing them to itty bitty vaporized pieces. Shep and Lizzie communicate via eye contact, and he brings up the possibility of evacuating the city. Rodney's all "Eh, that can be Plan C." And no one looks happy about any of this, except for Chuck and Cadman, who are watching Rodney with rapt attention.
Infirmary of People Who Want to Die But Are Being Forced To Live By People Wearing Teeny Tops. Teyla seeks out Carson, demanding to know why Charin has been moved into the infirmary. Dude, Teyla, make up your freaking mind. The two have their first lovers' quarrel, and I'd like to know why the fuck Ronon is staying away from Teyla in this episode. The Hippocratic Oath is mentioned, but Dr. Tey-vorkian's all, "If she wants to die, she's going to die, dammit." Damn Dirty Athosians and their euthanasia. Carson woobies for a bit, but agrees. Like he had a choice since Teyla can kick his ass with her pinky.
Conference Room of More Hand Porn. This time, the offender is Shep, who's got the finger-to-lip action that makes me tingle in all my girl parts. He watches the proceedings as Rodney admits that his code-breaking skills are crap. Skinner wonders if Kavanagh has broken and cried mercy yet under Lizzie's tender care. Lizzie admits that hasn't happened, and what's interesting -- to me, anyway -- is that even though she's talking to Skinner, she keeps glancing over at Shep. What? Despite everyone labeling Kavanagh a stubborn wussy, Lizzie doubts that they can just walk all over him for the code. The camera pans past her to show Ronon leaning against the balcony outside the open doors of the conference room. Mmm, hello, leather pants. He waltzes in, all, "Gimme ten minutes with him, and I can make him squeal." Except, since he's already got one of his knives out, he's saved two minutes of his time and could probably break Kavanagh in eight minutes instead. Hearing this, Rodney cringes; maybe he knows what ten minutes with Ronon is like, and that's all I'm saying. Shep reluctantly supports Ronon's Violence!Yay idea since they're running out of time. Unfortunately, the civilians in this meeting aren't quite as eager to join the Violence!Yay Movement just yet. Skinner's all, "Sometimes you gotta break some heads to something something." Shep nods knowingly (but not happily) because 60-something Genii learned this lesson the hard way at his hands. Lizzie looks even less happy about this truth and eyefucks us out of the scene. We weren't given visual clues as to the exact direction she was looking in, but since the camera was just on Shep, I'm going to say that's a Sparky Eyefuck of Oh Noes. Just because I can. Also, because I'm recapping, so there.
Back in the control room, Cadman and I are IM'ing each other. Or, we could be; she's got the same lappy as me. Still clinging to his distrust of her, Rodney wants to know what she's messing with this time. In this case, old system command logs. She calmly explains that she noticed a gap in the data stream, to which Rodney impatiently snarks a "yes, yes, a deletion point, evil tap-dancing explosives expert" and aims an Evil Monkey Finger at her. Except not really. Rodney bitches and moans about wasting time, and Cadman bitches and moans right back about only wanting to help. So Rodney comes up with one of his genius plans: "Try working on the failsafe codes, damn you." Lucky for him, before Cadman can stick her tap dancing shoes up Rodney's ass, he's distracted by the Big TeeVee Screen of Incoming Doom. With the cruisers right on their doorstep, he thinks it's time to try connecting the ZPM and recloaking the city. Lizzie gives him the go ahead, and we dun dun DUN right to...
ZPM Room. Hey, how'd he get there so fast? The ZPM is inserted into its hole, and a gorgeous new view of the city suddenly dissolves under its Shield of Invisibility. WHEEE!
Control Room. Again, how the fuck did Rodney get there so fast after that last scene? Are there multiple McKay clones running around the city or does he just wrinkle his nose and suddenly appear where he wants? A couple of keystrokes on the lappy later, he seems surprised that his initial power consumption estimate was correct; they're holding steady below the overload threshold. Lizzie gives him the Head Nod of Praise.
The journey begins -- if your journey starts and stops at Death, that is. Don't get me wrong, I feel really bad for Teyla and there's not a dry eye in the infirmary, but Charin finally dies and we can all move on with our lives. For the record, yes, it's a balmy -50 degrees Fahrenheit in my heart year round, why do you ask? Kind of sucks that neither Ronon nor Shep bother to be at her side to comfort her. Spanky and Shep/Teyla Anvils: "D'oh!" Carson Anvil: "*waves* Cadman and Rodney are busy; I have time."
Flat Panel of Doom. Rodney ominouses a "They're heeeeere" as he and Lizzie stare at the Red Blips of Death. Lizzie clings to the fact that the Red Blips of Death aren't behaving as if they know Atlantis is still a viable threat. Of course, she jinxes them just in the act of breathing that miniscule sigh of relief, and Cadman eeks out an "er, you know the city's inertial dampeners? Yeah. DOOM!" Laptop: "Access denied. Haha! ACCESS DENIED, BITCHEZ!" Rodney runs over Cadman to get to the computer and oh-noes a "It's the Star Drive!" Because this is the first time we've heard of this (er, maybe?), Lizzie does the Headshake of 'Speak English, Por Favor.' It seems that the Star Drive has to do with the city being one big ol' Spaceship (and how long before Atlantis actually gets to fly on this show?). Long story short: ZPM overload in about 30 minutes. EEEEEP! Because my timestamp says we have less than 10 minutes until the end of the episode, this, thankfully, will not be in real time.
Conference Room of 'Shit, We Need PLANS, People!' Here come all the important people, with Shep and Skinner opting for evacuation via Daedalus. This makes sense, considering they have no other way off the planet except via spaceship. Rodney derails that idea because it'll be a tight squeeze on the Daedalus, not to mention, everyone will die from the lack of, you know, life support before they actually reach Earth. But with that many planets in the Pegasus Galaxy, couldn't they just drop them off on a planet so they can wait or gate to the Alpha Site? Also, they have a whole bunch of Jumpers for short trips. Must I think of everything for them? Well, no, not really, because Shep suggests the Planet of Glowy PowerBar-Loving Spacebugs as a temporary haven, even though it got ridiculously cold at night, if I recall. And Lizzie comes up with the idea of using the Jumpers for extra people-moving powers. This, of course, is too much like cowardly running for the Manly Man in the room. Bamm-Bamm's all, "uh, dudes? I could totally spank Kavanagh until he cries mercy and hands over the codes before you even get one Jumper loaded with people." I love that he recognizes Weir as the leader of Atlantis, because he appeals to her instead of Shep. And for all you in the super-rare pairings subset of the fandom, Weir/Dex Anvils giggle and make neener neener faces at everyone else as the two eyefuck each other straight into Rodney's 24-minute warning of Vaporized Doom and Gloom.
But of course, the Eyefuck to End All Eyefucks occurs immediately after that, as Shep and Lizzie silently argue the pros and cons of letting Ronon loose on a poor unsuspecting Kavanagh. With their EYES. And then they secretly undress each other -- with their eyes -- and dun sex -- with their eyes -- and maybe even cuddle and take a nap -- with their eyes -- or, whatever it is they do when they stare at each other for what feels like hours at a time. I'm just saying, they're always making with the Intense Moo Eyes at each other. With Shep's unspoken support and most likely encouragement, she turns her gorgeous green eyes on Ronon. "Do it." She looks seriously unhappy but is willing to stand by her decision, even though Shep is still eyefucking her. Hee. Ronon looks to Shep for his approval since there's that whole military chain of command thing that Ronon cutely clings to, but since Shep is STILL LOOKING at Lizzie, it only takes him half a year to finally glance over and give Ronon the Subtle Nod of Approval. I guess we should feel bad for Kavanagh's fate, but Shep does the Lip Lick of Hotness and that pretty much erases any further thoughts about other men besides him.
Elsewhere. Under the only skylight in Atlantis, the Dirty People have gathered around Charin's pyre to set her on fire. Carson runs in, exhaling an "Oh, God" because dammit, stupid dirty people, you're not supposed to play with fire inside the house. Carson makes hand-to-arm contact with Teyla, all tender and concerned, wanting to know what the fuck is going on. There's something about starting the Lord of the Rings Ceremony, but... where the hell did Teyla get that ugly-ass dress? I'll give her props for it not being paisley, at least. Also, why is she wearing the fugly dress when all the other Dirty People are still in their Dirty Rag Clothing? Because Carson's a man, and has more important things on his mind -- like survival, and for some odd reason, actual concern over the welfare of all the Dirty People -- he doesn't stop to ask her who won the jousting competition at the Medieval faire. Instead, he's more alarmed that the Dirty People are planning on completing this silly ceremony when everyone else is running for their lives. The two have a Tender Moment of Oh Noes to themselves, which I will not recap because dammit, they need their privacy. (Also, because I feel like I am betraying the Spanky in me.) Let's just say, the eyesex, while not as fiery as those shared with the Angry Monkey, is still pretty hot in a lovely, gentle way.
Talk about suspense... one lonely door opens... slowly... ominously... to reveal a glaring, bloodthirsty, Jack Bauer Ronon. Kavanagh: *PEES HIS PANTS* Jack Bauer Ronon does the Badass Strut of Testosterone into the room as all fangirls faint from manly man sensory overload. Zoom in: Kavanagh's Oh Shit Face. Suck it, assmunch.
Back at the rejected movie set for Return of the King, there are chimes. CHIMES, PEOPLE. The flute, the banjo, and the 100 piece orchestra in the next room playing over the state-of-the-art Atlantean Bose stereo system start up the Celtic music. Carson looks exactly how I feel -- fidgety and wishing for a quick and painless death. So that's obviously not going to happen. Lucky bitch, Charin; her journey may just be beginning, but my hell has just started. And look, Teyla brings it home by SINGING.
Thus begins the Crossover Montage of Missing Scenes from ROTK/Atlantis. As Teyla sings, Cadman and Rodney blog about how Teyla needs to just stop because her song is pretty but completely random and cheesy on this show. As Teyla continues to sing, Lizzie paces in her room, trying to come up with a diplomatic way to say, "Teyla, sweetie? Charin's dead, I don't think she'd care if you stopped now because I am very much alive and, for the love of god, shut up." Teyla mercifully stops singing so the drums in the music can sync with the ominous whooshing of Wraith engines cutting through space toward Atlantis's DOOM. Rodney broadcasts the 10-Minute Warning of Kablooey and suggests they all start heading to the Jumpers as Cadman and her bouncy hair rush in to announce that she's found something. The lyrics respite comes to an end as Teyla once again continues singing. I have nothing against Teyla singing; she has a really great voice and the song itself isn't bad. But the lip-synching is off in a couple of places, not to mention, unless she's wearing fifty billion microphones under the Medieval Gown of WTF, there is no way her voice could fill such a tiny room with super-amplified stadium level noise. Especially out of her wee self. I don't care how wide she can open her mouth and how great her diaphragm control is. (Er, that was not a sex joke, pervs.) Music editor guy? You lose at life and at your job.
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Once again, we're treated to the calm before the storm, ie. Teyla stops singing for a few more instrumental verses. Shep runs into the interrogation room, yelling "Stop! What'd you do, omg?" The camera pans around to show Ronon looming over Kavanagh, lying on the ground, unconscious. Ronon shrugs a "Nothing; he fainted before I could touch him." And how disappointed does he sound? Hee. Shep tries very hard not to laugh his ass off, but you can bet his hair products that when this crisis has passed, everyone on Atlantis will be laughing their ass off at Kavanagh's fainting spell. Even McKay. More montage! Still no singing, though there be music. On the Daedalus, Skinner gives away the big twisty surprise by evil-smirking as he radios Lizzie to tell her he's ready to flee and will "meet them at the rendezvous site" or you know, NOT. Suddenly, he's engulfed in an Asgard beam and transported...
To the interrogation room. Obviously confused, Skinner's all, "WTF?!" Across the room, Mulder and Scully are not impressed with him, as they stand really close and present a united front against the Forces of Evil. Lizzie's wielding her spine of steel and is superhot: "Give us the access codes, RAR." Skinner: *plays dumb and outraged* as Ronon stalks the space behind him. Lizzie, pissed: "Cadman found your deletion points of EVIL in the system logs." Skinner: "Quit wasting my time, h0r!" Lizzie, really pissed, takes a step closer and growls a "You dummy, you did all this bad stuff that I won't make Pooh write up because she wants me and Shep to go sex as soon as possible right after this, but seriously, how stupid can you be if you used your own identification code?" Skinner: "I have no idea what you just said, but I am sooooo not working for The Trust. Cancerman and his minions made my life hell for 9 years, dammit." Shep chambers a round into his pistol as he steps up to stand beside Lizzie again. See, no personal space and they're tethered together with elastic bands. Shep's not quite as scary as Lizzie, but he demands the access codes. Then -- SURPRISE TWIST OF NOT! -- Skinner's eyes flash with the black oilien, er, the Goa'uld glowy thing. Realizing that the man hasn't just been working for the Bad Guys of Cheese, he's actually been compromised by a Bad Snake of Cheese, Shep aims his sidearm at him (hot!) as Lizzie simultaneously steps back in shock and "ohmygod"s at this revelation. Then Skinner effeminates the Goa'uld voicebox of "I will never give you that code." What is it about Goa'ulds that's so... slashy? But never mind that. It's SPARKY TIME! WHEEEEEE! Lizzie and Shep turn to eyefuck AT THE SAME TIME. Then nodding once, Lizzie turns on her heels and retreats out of the room, leaving her hero, Shep, to take care of the messy details.
Shep turns his attention back to the Snakehead Skinner. Currently, my player is paused on Shep, looking supersexyyummyhot in his Badass Muthafucker pose so I need to stare for a few minutes. I am so smitten with his eyes and his hairy arms and I don't even like hairy men, shut up. *lalala* Skinner's not quite as taken by the Intensity known as Sheppard. He cheeses an "I must warn you. I now possess the strength of many men... and a couple of llamas." (God, make the CHEESE STOP.) Behind him, Ronon and his angry-monkey-powered Chest of Whoa glare at him, all "Won't be a fair fight then." And then he Angry Monkey Kicks a chair away and rams Skinner's head into a wall. Oh, Ronon, Heightmeyer's gonna want to psychoanalyze your childhood to figure out what you have against chairs. Once is funny; twice is a pattern. Shep stands idly by with his gun focused on the pair as Ronon bashes Skinner's face in a couple of times and then throws him over the table. Apparently, a Goa'uld-powered Colonel is still no match for a Chair-Hating Angry Monkey and the Taser-Wielding Colonel Bedhead. Shep zaps him a couple of times -- once for the Goa'uld, once for messing with Lizzie, once for telling him to seek and destroy Wraith-cracked Ford, once more for Lizzie, another time for Ford, for the Goa'uld thing again, and then one for shits and giggles. On the ground, Skinner's eyes flash a couple of times, but he wisely skips the Passing Kidney Stone of Internal Struggle to breathe heavily and woobie for awhile. Shep attempts contact: "Will the real Colonel Skinner please stand up?" And The Real Skinner does the shaky voice of "I'm... here... omg... make... this... episode... stop." (You might not be able to tell, but I actually love this episode. Really.) Shep does the "yeah, yeah, yeah, gimme the access code already" as Ronon, who's obviously spent way too much time around Lizzie and Teyla, does the Eyebrow Quirk of Eh... because after all that work, this is actually... kind of lame.
In the control room, the volume on the Music That Will Never End is turned up as Rodney screams a "ZPM's spiking! Gotta go! Gotta go!" And then he busts his ass out of there before everyone else has a chance to even stand up. Dude, McKay should never be allowed to sit in the emergency row of an airplane just because he WILL LEAVE YOUR ASS BEHIND. Of course, it's all a false alarm since Shep and Ronon conveniently appear at that very moment with the much needed access code written on a slip of paper. WTF. No, really, WTF? That was... dumb. Everyone flails a bit as Rodney reactivates the failsafes. And then everyone does the Floppy Sigh of Relief. Ronon, especially, needs to drape his entire body across one control console because, dammit, kicking chairs is HARD WORK. Shep tries not to act it, but he can't hide his expression of "WTF? LAMEST ANTICLIMACTIC CONCLUSION EVER... TWO CONSECUTIVE EPISODES IN A ROW!"
And then Teyla starts singing again and I am reminded of the need to KILL MYSELF. No, she's wonderful, just... stop, please stop, omg please please please stop. This singing is so completely cheesy and out of place on this show that it HURTS MY SOUL. All the Dirty People watch her sing, and stare longingly at Charin's spot on the Fake!Pyre of Death. As the song nears its conclusion, even Teyla looks bored of lip-synching. The song ends on the line "our journey begins" but thankfully, THAT'S A LIE, and the song finally ends. It would be insensitive of me to point out that neither Shep nor Ronon has bothered to seek out Teyla in her obvious time of emotional need, but I'm just that kind of girl. Spanky and Shep/Teyla Anvils: "OMG, WE REALLY DO SUCK." What I'd really like to know: Where do the Dirty Little People keep that expensive-looking Oriental rug when they're living in their foldable huts?
Normality has been reached. And it involves Carson and Cadman giggling through the halls of Atlantis. Feeling just a tad jealous, Rodney interrupts the cute love moment by sharing his geekgasms over Hermiod attempting to de-Goa'uldify Skinner's brain with Asgard beaming technology. Er... okay? Huh, for all you Beckett/McKay slashers out there, my player has paused on Carson giving McKay a decidedly non-platonic, affectionate smile and eyefuck. Do what you will with it. Rodney beams excitedly, but alas, it's not directed at Carson. Because here comes Radek. Hee! Zinka's all dolled up with bright colored straw in his braided hair and facepaint... all over his body, no doubt. Rodney glees a "Hey, it's Mr. Mom!" Zinka's pissed, ordering Rodney to never speak to him again. Which just makes Rodney grin goofily because, make up sex? It's the bestest. And then Radek takes his merry band of facepainted scientists back to the labs to sulk and gripe.
Office of Angst. While the city returns to normal and Ronon and Teyla go back to doing porny splits, Lizzie's absently playing with her grandfather's pocketwatch, musing over all the squicky moral lines she had to cross today. Lucky for her, Shep bounces in, trying to cheer her up. He's like a little boy, rushing to be the first to share a joke with Lizzie with his "Did you see Zelenka, huh, huh, huh?" Awww, ADORABLE! He's like her puppy or something. Hee. Lizzie says no, but she gives him this cute half-smile that's just... gorgeous in its simplicity. If Lizzie didn't look so forlorn and sad, Shep should have grabbed her hand and ran her over to Zinka's lab just to make her laugh. (Though I'm a card-carrying het shipper, it pains me to do it, but in all fairness, I should probably point out for those Shep/Zelenka slashers, that Shep found time to actually see Zelenka after he came back through the gate and before he could wash his face. Last thing I need are another set of Anvils, but there it is.) Speaking of rare OTPs: Shep's butt interfaces with Lizzie's desk. It's amazing how comfortable he is sitting on her desk like that. In that Sparky corner of my scary brain, it's because they dun sex so much on that desk, he practically lives on it. Lizzie woes that she's having Beckett institute a check-up on all personnel because you never know. Shep agrees that it sucks to have to even consider it. They do a Slow Lazy Eyefuck Across a Desk, except they just miss doing it at the same time. WHAT? Lizzie's all sad and upset at herself for crossing that line with Kavanagh, but Shep -- god bless his Sparky heart -- tries to comfort her, assuring her she had to do what she had to do. It doesn't work, but that soft, lower-register tone of his? The one he reserves for Lizzie? Does absolute wonders to all my nerve endings. She's disturbed that they're no different than the Wraith with all the in-fighting. John ponders this ugly truth, all sad and stuff, except for his swinging leg, which is just boyishly adorable. Poor Lizzie! Poor Shep! They need snuggles!
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Fade to black... And then they dun sex. What? Had to slip that one in since he was already on her desk.
Next week: A McKay-centric episode. I'm going to need more liquor.
2x13: Critical Mass
One again, we are without the Previouslies. Remembering what episode came before, I say "hurrah!" to this decision.
We begin in the Gateroom, where RADEK! and a bunch of scientists are packing up loads of equipment. Radek doesn't look happy at all. From somewhere, Shep's lanky body comes into view, all nosy-like: "Going off-world?" Scowling, Radek grouches, "M7G-677." For those playing at home, that would be the Planet of the 25-Year Old Kiddies Who Look More Like 35 Except for the Cute Ones Who Followed McKay Around and Made His Life Miserable. According to Radek, the kids are having problems with their EM field generator and "McKay has decided that [Radek is] the most capable of all of Atlantis to fix it." On one hand, yay for trust and faith in Radek's SMRTness! On the other... EVIL!!!! Because Shep loves kids (and we love Shep around kids), he assures Radek that the kids are super duper. Radek is no idiot. He's well acquainted with the demon spawn that are children, e.g. his nephew. Hee. As if all those Rodney/Radek slashers needed another reason to support their ship -- both of them hate children! Shep's all, "...er... okay, buddy." But is luckily saved from Radek's wrath by Rodney calling him to the control room. From his vantage point up on Lizzie's balcony, Rodney is surprised that Radek is still around. Cute Snappy (that's Rodney/Radek, for those of you who don't like cute, non-smushed names) snarking ensues before Rodney finger-porns Radek with his index finger from afar and disappears back to the control room. Not to be outdone, Shep finger-porns Radek with his thumb and a click of the Shep!tongue before heading off to see WTF is going on. I could insert a length vs. width joke here, but technique's pretty important and I've already said way too much. Radek grumps us out of this scene.
Poll
(For the record, this was a perfectly innocent poll. If you made it DIRTY, then you are a PERV ... I respect that.)
Control Room of Semi-Doom. Everyone's staring at the HDTV. Bad news: Two Wraith cruisers are about a day or two away from Atlantis. Good news: They're not headed toward them, which makes sense since we still have 6 more episodes until the season finale. But the really good news? Rodney points out that there's "short but intense energy bursts passing between" the two cruisers. Kind of like Sparky eyefucking. Only not as fun. Ronon hazards a guess, "They're fighting each other?" Because he's successfully stepped out of his comfort zone of just stating the painfully obvious, he should consider taking off his shirt to celebrate. Or something. Next to him, Shep sends a shout out to all the Pointy Elf Ear Fangirls by playing with said appendage. Rodney, the only one still paying attention to the script, smugs that "in [his] expert opinion: yes, totally fighting, omg." Well, now that that's settled... Shep and Lizzie agree that this is all Very Good News.
That boring Earth place. For the record, while I still watch SG-1, I've pretty much stopped paying attention to it the past few years. Oh, and I also hate anything to do with the Trust, aka The Poor Man's X-Files Consortium of Nefarious Evildoers. So... yes, I take it as a personal affront that not only must I deal with General Laundry (Landry, Laundry, Melodramatic Eye-Popper Actor, whatever) again, I'm forced to recap a Trust-related storyline. Barrett's cute and all, but even the adorkable Poor Man's Mulder can't keep me from the claustrophobic misery of being stuck in my own personal hell right now. Laundry's all, "I was busy separating my whites from my colors so this better be important." Mulder Jr.s' all "ZOMG, this is way more important! Notice how I am gesticulating with my hands!" So Laundry's all "A little bleach will take care of that." And then Mulder Jr. tells him how Bush's Sekrit Eavesdropping Nosybodies (*no political stance has been taken; just snark) have allowed them to keep up with the increase in The Trust chatter. Bottomline: They've infiltrated everywhere, omg! Oh, and there's a bomb on the bus! Except, by 'bus,' I mean 'Atlantis.' Laundry reacts to this news with the Wide-eyed Exaggerated Blinking of Oh Noes... which cracks me up to no end. Oh, Beau, look where you've ended up. But anyway... Dun Dun DUUUUUN!!!
Bathroom break! Fridge run! Oh, and CREDITS! Who picked the pics for the theme? *kicks them* Poor Carson looks like he's trying to catch Darts with his mouth.
Deep in the bowels of the SGC. It's a threesome now! DR. LEE! *LOVES* Mulder Jr. and Laundry are briefing Dr. Lee on the bus, er, bomb situation. Dr. Lee asks the question that we're all dying to know the answer to: All right. Pop quiz. The airport. Gunman with one hostage. He's using her for cover... Oh, crap, wrong recap. Dr. Lee's real question: Why the hell do the Goa'uld want to blow up Atlantis if there's really cool toys over there? Answer: Goa'uld are stupid. No, wait, the real answer is that they're scared of the Wraith, thereby increasing the number of people who don't want the Wraith to show up unexpectedly in the Milky Way to... EVERYONE. Makes sense, since the Wraith can suck the lifeforce out of you with their pinkies and the Goa'uld can... um, talk in funny voices. No contest there. In the foreground, Mulder Jr. either really needs to pee or is trying really hard not to smirk at the visuals of a Goa'uld vs. Wraith war. I'm laughing my ass off, too. Because seriously, EVERY enemy is more formidable and scarier than the Goa'uld. Then Dr. Lee wins my love forever because he's obviously crushing the entire Atlantis expedition, as he should, seeing how there are so many pretty people all in one city.
According to the intel received, they believe a "lower level operative planted the bomb. Which means we're dealing with a human." And then Laundry's eyes do the Widening of Oh Noes again. Damn Lower Level Operatives! The bomb's supposed to detonate the next time Atlantis dials Earth, which makes me unbelievably happy since I hate that they can make contact so easily. Laundry ominouses, "Which is todaaaaaaaaay." In roughly 2 plus hours, real time, not that Stanktuary of Ascension Suck Time. Dr. Lee: "Oh noes, not the pretty people!" Then Laundry over-emotes the 'we have no way to warn them, omg!' flail. Dr. Lee excitedly remembers the Daedalus, but then remembers that oops, they're still too far away. D'oh! Laundry has total faith that Dr. Lee will be able to single-handedly solve this problem. After all, that's what he pays him for. And then we fade out on Dr. Lee trying to decide whether he really wants this week's paycheck. 'Cuz, PRESSURE, OMG.
Atlantis. Rodney and Shep walk-and-talk through an area we've never seen before as Rodney informs Shep about Lizzie's planned transmission back to the SGC. As they round a corner, we see Cadman futzing with one of those Blinking Lights Mainframes That Don't Do Anything. Rodney's stunned: "Cadman?!" Cadman explains that "something came up" -- and I'm going to be mature and not make a Carson joke -- and Shep allowed her to stay on 'Lantis instead of shipping her back to Earth. Shep smiles innocently. *pets the pretty* Rodney fails at pretending that Cadman's presence doesn't freak him out. Cadman then takes leave because she's got important stuff to do (Carson), but not before sharing a secret smile with Shep, since they're obviously working in cahoots to mindfuck Rodney. Heh. The two men continue their pede-conference. Shep licks his lips and comments that he thought after all the time that's passed, Rodney "would have stopped being creeped out by her." Rodney explains, "She just has a way of getting under my skin." And proves this by running straight into some poor unsuspecting soul coming from the opposite direction. He makes the constipated face as Shep quips a "Literally." Haha. If you didn't get the reference back to "Duet," YOU LOSE.
Infirmary of Rare Fandom Pairings. Teyla -- without the gorgeous appendage known as Ronon at her side -- hurries into the infirmary and interrupts Carson's work to ask that he accompany her to the mainland. Carson does the doctorly "oh noes! What's wrong?!" only to be informed that Teyla's pretend grandmother, Charin, is very ill. Teyla asks if Carson will make a house call, and Carson, being the sweetie that he is, agrees with an "of course, love, say no more." For those of you secretly shipping Carson/Teyla... hi!
Insert some porny joke about mountains -- if any exist. Dr. Lee's giving a presentation to a whole lot of lower level operatives of the non-evil variety. Visuals include the 'hi, my name is Atlantis,' 'I'm Earth,' and 'this is the Daedalus' doodles. His plan is to send a group of scientists to some rinky dink planet in order to set up relay points for subspace data burst transmission from Earth to Pegasus. He does a pretty good job of making the techspeak simple enough to understand, equating the passing of their warning message through the relay points to something of an intergalactic phone tree. Non-evil lower level operatives: "..." Dr. Lee: "I have kids!" Okay, that's actually not the important thing he says, but I just wanted to note that Dr. Lee has kids! Awww! Dr. Lee: "Like the damn Twilight Bark from 101 Dalmatians, dummies!" Lower level operatives: "..." Dr. Lee: "Lord of the Rings signal fires!" And then all the nerds start nodding and patting each other on the back for being total tools. Since all these people didn't even get the initial whiteboard drawing which I thought was pretty much self-explanatory, they're ALL FIRED. Sadly, the SGC needs its geek redundancy so Laundry just tells them to gear up. Pooper.
Hyperspace love canal; insert Daedalus. From nowhere, Novak's disembodied voice informs Colonel Skinner that they just received the first data burst transmission from Rinky Dink Planet of Convenience asking them to relay the Bomb Threat of Doom to Atlantis. Skinner asks if they're within range of Atlantis, and just as Novak's about to nod an affirmative -- which Skinner can't see over the radio anyway -- someone "NO"s her. And lookie here. It's everyone's favorite Pony-tailed Town Crier of Doom and Gloom, Kavanagh. Oh, how we've missed you. NOT! As expected, Ponytail dooms and glooms that alas, they're already out of transmission range. In his captain's chair, Skinner makes either the Oh Crap, That Really Sucks Ass face or the OMG, Your Voice Grates On Me So Much face. It's a little hard to tell, but the man is definitely not passing kidney stones, that's for sure. Seems like they're up shit creek since they don't have time to return to Atlantis before Lizzie accidentally blows them up with her weekly status report.
But of course, Hermiod, our favorite naked alien, saves the day. Hermiod's plan: modify the hyperdrive to get the Daedalus to a distance conducive for radio transmission back to Atlantis before their scheduled gate dial. The only problem: the hyperdrive may be permanently damaged, trapping Kavanagh between galaxies, which isn't really a big deal except that all those poor people and Hermiod would be trapped there with him. Even I'm not evil enough to wish that upon them. But it's okay, because Hermiod knows what he's doing! Kavanagh: *doubts Hermiod, omgwtf!* Hermiod: *ignores the human with squicky hair* Skinner: "Make it so, Number One." Because even though he's Data-like in attitude... in spirit, Hermiod is so Riker to Skinner's Picard -- manwhore of the Daedalus; why else would he forgo pants? Kavanagh: "Blah blah blah can't do it, neener neener." Hermiod: "Dude. Stop. Talking. Please." And no, that was not an eyefuck. Because that's DISGUSTING. Also, Hermiod can do so much better. Stunned by the naked alien's audacity, Kavanagh: *jaw drop of 'Oh, No, You Di'in't'* And because all aliens are disgustingly polite, Hermiod: "Thank you." Hee!
Lizzie's Hizzouse! MamaBear's clan has their shit together. Rodney's finishing up the data compression for their report while Chuck pretends to look busy fiddling with this and that. CHUCK! While we're all standing by, I can take the time to add Chuck to the list of people on 'Lantis who need to have their shirts ripped off their bodies. What?
When sending a phallic-looking spaceship through a pulsing tunnel, music selection is key. Please note: the throbbing beat of the Daedalus's engines. Skinner checks on their status and Novak assures him they're almost there. Mr. Doom and Gloom does what he does best, which is dooming and glooming a "We're not gonna make it. Game over, man." Oh, pish posh. How can you say that when HERMIOD is there? Pfft.
Ancient City of Oblivious. Rodney's supergeek compression program completes and Lizzie gives Chuck the order to dial the gate. SLOW DOWN, CHUCK! Except Chuck's an expert at gate dialing and can do it two-handed -- without the hunt and peck, even. Rodney's all "lalala" with the hand-to-mouth porn until he notices an incoming transmission on his laptop, and that's a pretty damn lucky coincidence since everyone knows Rodney's the resident speed reader. Also pretty damn helpful, considering how fast Chuck is with that gate dialing thing. The camera goes into the Extreme Close-up of DOOM! on Rodney's face and he yells a "STOP!" Everyone: "WTF." And then they stare at him, because hell, that's what you would do, too. Rodney puts out the Mommy Hands, trying to reach Chuck before he does something Really Really Bad. And OMG, Chuck was like an inch from blowing up all of Atlantis! Bad Chuck! His hands do the Narrowly Avoided Death and Destruction Tremor and he pulls away quickly as Rodney slumps in his seat, relieved.
After everyone's changed their pants, they all head to Lizzie's office. It's all work and no play for Lizzie, Rodney, Shep and Ronon. In an attempt to be a more mature, more responsible recapper, I will refrain from discussing shallow things like the fit of certain articles of clothing. Just know that everyone looks very nice today; some more than others. *las* Rodney details the precautions needed to ensure that they don't accidentally blow up the city while they try to figure out what's what. This includes disconnecting the ZPM and discontinuing gate travel. Unfortunately for some -- see: Zelenka -- this means they'll be stranded off-world for an indefinite amount of time. Oh, poor Zinka! (tm kyrdwyn, see: crack!fic) Stuck with all those hateful demon spawn! You know he's definitely gonna need a lot of loving from *insert slash or het sex partner(s) of choice* when he gets back. Since Shep's the one who woobies a "Stuck with all those kids," I guess he wins. I know, it pains me to slash Shep with anyone, but since I'm totally snurching Kyr's nickname for Radek, it's the least I can do to throw her a John/Radek bone. (Crap! Not that you'd be interested in my typos, but I type pretty fast and weird things come out. Like "boner" instead of "bone." And come to think of it, I probably should have used an entirely different word.)
Lizzie tackles some administrative stuff, telling Rodney to send a 'thanks for the warning' message back to the Daedalus and to bounce another one back to the SGC. Shep's all, "Ask them if they can give us a little more than 'there's a bomb in Atlantis.'" And then he does this adorable head shake that... yeah... I'm such a sucker for Shep. And now we go to the question and answer portion of our recap. Question: Why is Lizzie The Awesome? Answer: Because she pretty much figures out the whole Trust/Goa'uld/Wraith connection/reasoning by herself. Lizzie wins at EVERYTHING! And so do we because she's on our TV. Rawr! McKay: "Wha?" Shep: "When did the Goa'uld get involved in this?" Pooh: "When the hell did Shep learn about the Goa'uld?" Also: "Why don't TPTB teach all the actors how to say 'Goa'uld' correctly?" Going by actors' pronunciation alone, there's like ten different variations. Oh, and JF? You lose. Lizzie is totally up to date on the Goa'uld storyline since she TOTALLY PWNED a bunch of them back in "New Order."
Ronon, who's from Planet Baywatch and can still pronounce "Goa'uld" better than Shep, asks the obvious Alien question: "WTF is that?" Shep answers with all the slimey, burrowing, snakey details, and adds that he's "read enough SG reports to know [he] doesn't want anything to do with them." Aha! Nice one, writers, trying to slip that in there all inconspicuous-like. He may not want it, but I'd love to see Shep go up against a real Goa'uld just once, even if it might invite Jack Jr. comparisons. Rawr. The three Earthlings run down the list of Things To Do To Avoid Kablooeys and Shep tells Rodney to get Cadman to help because "she's a big bomb expert" -- one of the best, of course, though for once, I'd love it if someone actually admitted, "well, she sucks at bombs, but she's the only one who's free," because it happens, even if no one actually says it. Rodney's unconvinced, "She is? How convenient is that?" Pretty damn convenient, but having been weaned on Veronica Mars, I recognize a Super Red Herring Plot Device when I see one. Lizzie also wants to recall the Daedalus. Even though it'll cut them off from Earth, it means ample opportunity for maximum torture of all personnel. Rock on, MamaBear.
Poll
Music of Exaggerated Urgency. Rodney disconnects the ZPM. Pretty damn suspenseful, if you ask me. So we move on.
Village of Yurts, nighttime. Inside one of the Dirty People Athosian tents, Carson is asking for permission to draw some blood. For those of you still playing at home, the old lady caught in the fishermen's net is Charin, who we last saw making soup for Teyla in "The Gift." To reward Charin for being such a good patient, Teyla tells her she made her "tuttleroot soup," the Athosian-equivalent of a post-doctor's visit lollipop. Charin has the same reaction as I do: "Teyla cooking? Er... okie doke?" From that, we can predict that this is not going to end well. Even Carson seems doubtful. But Teyla's all, "I've been PRACTICING, OMG!" So at least we know that Ronon's being fed regularly, since she's got to practice on someone, right? Teyla's giddy. "Hopefully, some day, I will be able to cook as good as you." And I ask, "WTF? Women don't NEED to cook! That's why God invented restaurants and take-out and boytoys who are handy in the kitchen." Charin tastes the soup and laughs an "Oh, I'm afraid that day will be far in the future." LMFAO. Charin totally dissed Teyla! Even Carson giggles at that. CUUUUUUUTE! Teyla, on the other hand, looks slightly peeved at being the butt of everyone's joke, but then she glances over at Carson. And makes the CUTEST POUT EVER. Damn Carson/Teyla anvils! *tries to beat them down, gives up* God help me, but they are sort of cute together.
Charin assures her that she doesn't need crappy cooking skills to win any man because Ronon, much like Rodney, will eat almost anything. Besides, she has a higher purpose -- to sex Ronon. Oh, er, and to be the Woman Warrior Leader of All the Dirty People. Because she must accept her Higher Purpose, Charin wants her to prepare the Ring Ceremony. Did I miss the part where Ronon proposed? Oh! My bad. Not that ring ceremony. It's some rare celebration of natural death since most Dirty People get eaten first before they're allowed the option of old age. There's a lot of gobbledy-gook about what's involved in the festivities, but Teyla puts her foot down, declaring "I am not ready for that." Well, that's fine, since you're not the one dying. Charin has nothing to say to that since Teyla's busting out the tears, so she just fixes Teyla's wig for her.
South side! West side! Earth side! Laundry and Mulder Jr. pede-conference through the SGC. MJ's got more intel for the big boss man, which basically boils down to "we've got nothing." A flailing Mulder Jr. does have one new piece of info, though, and that's that the mechanism for setting off the bomb is entirely on Atlantis and Earth can claim no responsibility for any explosions that may or may not occur on the other end. Carter's returned from off-world duties to help figure out what the trigger might be and Laundry tells him to get to it.
Space Limbo. On the Daedalus, Novak informs everyone that the SGC has determined the bomb detonator is on Atlantis. Dun Dun DUN! There's some untangling of phone tags with regards to who gets dibs on the Daedalus, but that's boring. Just know, what Lizzie wants, Lizzie gets.
Control room. Looks like Rodney's forced to work with the Red Herring, I mean, Cadman. Rodney scoffs at the fact that Cadman is an explosives expert. Yeah, it's all pretty sketchy. Anyway, Cadman's all, "Blah blah blah and tap dancing and yes, I do windows, too." Then she gives him a flirty smile and tries to eyefuck him. Rar. Meanwhile, Lizzie contacts Shep over the radio with a "Colonel Sheppard." I miss the namegasms. *sigh* Shep checks in -- everything's okay on the east side -- and heads for the west side. Ronon also checks in from the grounding stations and says everything looks hunky dory, although, really, he's alien eyecandy so exactly how would he know? Shep tells Lizzie they need to keep their panties unwadded since it's a big city, and as soon as she's about to inform them of the SGC's newest message, the chevrons start activating by themselves. Chuck: "It's not me, swear to god!" Rodney: "OMGWTFPOLTERGEISTS?" Lizzie: *confused* For some reason, the gate's dialing Earth by itself, but thank god Rodney had the foresight to disconnect the ZPM. Back in their nefarious lair, The Trust: "D'OH! *facepalm*" Shep radios in, "Did the gate just dial itself?" For a guy that could have died a second ago, he sounds pretty damn calm. Lizzie: "Yesh!" Rodney blahblahblahs about stupid timed programs that try to circumvent low level operative manual operations. Of course, Rodney's all smug that he was smart enough to pull the ZPM to prevent such things from happening accidentally. Even if it were just luck. The glee doesn't last long because party pooper Cadman's all, "Er, dude? You're beeping." Rodney oh-noes that the gate dialing was a diversion to keep everyone from realizing the distress beacon was transmitting. Damn pesky Goa'ulds! Shep's all, "Turn the damn thing off!" So Rodney turns the damn thing off, except TOO LATE! OMGWTFWRAITHCRUISERS!
'Lantis, all lit up at night. Pretty! All the important people are holding a Conference of WTF, We Need Another Lame Plan to Trick the Wraith Again? Rodney does the snapping finger porn and comes up with some elaborate plan to divert the Wraith to the mainland -- because obviously, Dirty Athosians aren't that important -- and fool them into thinking they were actually tracking rubble from the Atlantis Kerblooey of "The Siege, Part 3." Rodney: *smug* Shep: "Back the genius train up." He starts verbally plotting a convoluted timeline of all the things that have happened so far, but what he can't wrap his pretty bedhead around is "WHY?" Why would their bomber make everything so difficult for himself/herself by involving the Wraith ships? Cadman, who's very wee next to Lizzie, suggests that perhaps the bomber wanted to eliminate the Wraith ships and the city at the same time. Er... go tap dance on the other side of the control room, please. While Rodney squashes that theory, Shep shakes his head and makes cute faces in the background. Shh, he's making the Pondering Face of Deep Concentration. Then Lizzie smacks everyone back to work because DEADLINE, omg.
Other side of 'Lantis... where the less important people play. And here comes Teyla wearing some funky shirred pants and a new vest over her usual purple top. Carson chases her down, wondering what she's up to. Awww. There goes another Carson/Teyla Anvil. *ducks* Teyla, Woman Warrior, is off to gather her Dirty People and bring them back to Atlantis to hide from the mean Wraith. Or something. I don't know. I was too busy staring at Carson in that nummy black shirt. The good doctor is worried about this plan of action since, you know, there's still a BOMB on Atlantis. Teyla's all, "In Lizzie we trust!" Because truer words have yet to be said, there's no need to argue that point. Carson steers the conversation back to the reason why he ran after her (you know, other than for Anvil purposes). He's finished his tests on Charin and yadda yadda yaddas about pacemakers and stuff, which is probably only really interesting to me because of the whole Master!of!Science! in cardiovascular-related things. Ahem, *cough* And stuff. *geeks out* Teyla has no clue what the fuck a pacemaker is, but glees upon hearing that Charin may yet live another 200 years with Carson's help. Then, because time is precious, she subtly hints that she needs to get her ass moving or else her Dirty People will be Wraith entrees. And she's off.
Earth! WALTER! Walter doesn't look too happy. Laundry, because he luffs his "Chief," picks up on the nonverbal cues. OTP, baby. Chief's got bad news: 1) Lizzie wanted the Daedalus to go to Atlantis, 2) Lizzie overruled Laundry (ha!) since people are more afraid of her than of Laundry, and 3) Atlantis and Earth are cut off from each other once again. THANK GOD. This means I don't have to recap any more stupid Earth/SGC scenes. Rar.
Oh, what a beautiful mornin'; oh, what a crappy-ass day. The Governor of the city is busy sifting through personnel files on her computer when lo, her favorite military commander swaggers in and, without stopping, moves behind her desk to look over her shoulder. Their arms are practically touching, omg! Excuse me while I mentally squish them together in a passionate embrace, have Shep do the table clearing thing JF seems to do in almost all the shows he's guested on, and then force them to have really dirty sex on her desk. What? How Lizzie manages to keep her eyes glued to the computer when Shep is sporting the Thigh Holster of Yum and wearing the Black Shirt of Chest-Accentuating Yum, I have no clue. Their lack of personal space around each other is just really hawt and awesome... although that thing hanging on her wall behind Shep is kind of scary. Not to mention, the fact that she also has the Book of Shadows on her desk beside his birthday gift from last season is sort of worrisome. They discuss the passenger manifest for the Daedalus and do the Just Missed Making Real Eye Contact Eyefuck (WHAT? Shut up). A couple of names sound suspicious, which sucks, because Lizzie really doesn't want to believe anyone could suck so much. Oh, Lizzie; she's such a MamaBear.
Shep finally sits his ass down in a chair, which is way less distracting than say, him standing behind Lizzie and giving her a backrub -- which I bring up only because I could really use a backrub right now. And then he decides to rain on her parade by reminding her that there are also some sketchy people still ON Atlantis. His reasoning: all the stuff that's happened even though the Daedalus is still somewhere out in space. Lizzie: "Aw, fuck." She doesn't think anyone would be stupid enough to blow themselves up along with their target, but then Shep turns the TeeVee on to the news and Lizzie's all, "Oh, yah, der." She leans across the table, all, "So who gets to be the scapegoat in this episode?" Rodney, who's standing just outside the door, was waiting for this very cue and enters, volunteering our Red Herring of the Week. Shep squeaks a "What? Are you on crack?" Not to be deterred, Rodney has already mentally prepared his bullet point list of why Cadman being a Red Herring is actually a Red Herring in of itself. Get it? Got it? Good. To be fair, Rodney's got some good points, but they're all part of the Plot Device of Contrived Coincidences. Shep and Lizzie do some telepathic discussion over whether or not to take Rodney's claims seriously. Ultimately, Shep rolls his pretty green eyes and brushes off Rodney's concerns because Cadman "is one of the most trusted officers in [his] command." And then because he just can't let it go, he rehashes "Duet": "Not to mention she was stuck in your head for some time." As if they were mutually exclusive. God knows, I've had a tiny voice in my head for ages, and I still don't trust it one bit.
Rodney's irritated by the fact that Shep can't let a joke go, even though there's continuity love. Yay! Shep insists that Rodney of all people should know that Cadman is incapable of doing the things he's accusing her of doing, but Rodney happily offers up brainwashing as a possible explanation... just as Cadman enters the office and loudly calls attention to herself. Both Rodney and Shep's faces get stuck with an Oh Crap expression while Lizzie just smiles serenely because she is so exempt from getting her ass kicked by Cadman after the crisis is over. Cadman updates her on the Daedalus's status -- landed on time and has taxied to the terminal -- but I'm too busy licking my lips over Shep, who's slouched into his chair and eyefucking Lizzie out of the corner of his eye. For the record, they're totally telepathically snerking over Rodney getting busted by Cadman, who gives Rodney the dirtiest look ever. Shep and Lizzie follow their tap-dancing bomb expert out of the office as Rodney acts out the Oh Shit, Oh Shit, Oh Shit Look.
Poll
Power Struggle of Forced Tension. Colonel Skinner and Lizzie do the walk-and-talk as he informs her that all personnel have been locked into their quarters until he's ready to torture, I mean, do some creative interrogation of the crew -- for we do not torture our own people. Nope. Lizzie huffily interrupts Skinner because TPTB have declared that they MUST have conflict since Shep, that amiable bastard, would rather snuggle instead of fight with her. There's some petty bitching over who actually has jurisdiction over the torture sessions, but then Skinner remembers that he is Lizzie's bitch -- as are the majority of men who stupidly attempt to go toe to toe with her -- and gives in. LIZZIE WINS ALL! Having been set in his place, Skinner's all, "So who's on first?"
Who do you think? Duh. If Cadman and her convenient 'Oh, Didn't I Mention She's This Super Duper Kerblooey Expert?' skills are a Red Herring, then there is absolutely no way Kavanagh is the Dumbass Sucker Silly Enough to Want to Go Up Against Lizzie and Her Army of Hot Mens. It's just way too obvious a choice. Whatever. Kavanagh: "Who me? It couldn't be! I didn't steal the cookie from the damn cookie jar." Lizzie: "Nuh uh. We don't suspect you AT ALL. Your name is just first on our non-alphabetical, totally random, picked your name out of a hat list." Kavanagh: "You don't fool me, h0r!" Lizzie questions Ponytail's yo-yo tour of duty on Atlantis. Kavanagh fights back with his List of Woe about how unappreciated he is. There's a bunch of back and forth about Kavanagh's unrequited crush on Lizzie. Or something. Not sure. I started fast forwarding a bit just because Kavanagh's boring. Somewhere in there, Ponytail employs the Snicker of Villainous Glee and snorts a couple of times before trying to accuse Lizzie of being ruled by her emotions. He's all, "You don't have the--" and has trouble finding the words, but he's obviously searching for 'balls' and dude needs to be careful because Lizzie's got bigger balls of titanium compared to most of the men in two galaxies. Kavanagh: "Incompetent!" Lizzie: "Sissy!" Kavanagh: "WOMAN!" Lizzie: "TOOLBAG!" No, wait, that last one was me. Sadly, Lizzie lets the bastard have the last word, and he happily stabs her in the back by claiming she's a bigger threat to the city than The Trust. Poor Lizzie wibbles on that. Hateful man. Just wait until Shep comes and kicks his ass for that.
Produce aisle of Athosian supermarket. Oh, sorry, that's actually Charin's yurt of hurt. Teyla chatters on and on about how they're going to the city and they'll be safe, yadda yadda. Charin's all, "Let me die, pleeeeeease." Of course, this isn't what Teyla wants to hear. She's all, "Carson's got magical voodoo powers to heal you!" Charin: "No, seriously. JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY, H0R!" Then Teyla gets teary because her parents, her family, her friends, and her college roommate's sister's brother's cousin's cat's kitty's owner's father's whatever are all gone gone gone. There is, of course, a perfectly reasonable explanation for all this: NO ONE WANTS YOU, TEYLA. Then the waterworks start because Teyla doesn't want Charin to leave her all alone. *sniffle* Dammit, I'm a cold-hearted bitch and even Teyla's got me sniffling. Oh, wait... still recovering from the flu, s'ok. Charin does the obligatory, "your people are your family and they need you to lead them or whatever it is you do when they're here in the Dirty People Village and you're all the way across the big ocean doing splits with that Manly Man Ronon, who's pretty damn HOT so well done, girlfriend. But, er, follow your destiny, yes!" And then, thankfully, we cut out of this scene before I have to fend off the Anvils of Mushy Teyla Woobieness.
Creative Interrogation 101. Looks like Novak made the short list. You can't trust someone who hiccups, yo. Novak: "Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah x infinity omg someone shut me up before I start confessing for no good reason other than I can't seem to STFU. La." Lizzie: "..." Exactly. And of course, because this is Novak and TPTB never met a tired old joke they didn't like beating into the ground with the dead horse (or um, something or other), Novak experiences one of her annoying bouts of hiccups. Bleh. Since recapping Novak may end up taxing my sanity, I'm just going to skip to the end. She fingers Creepy Ponytail Guy (and ew, not in that way; though the way she describes it, Kavanagh might have had a crush on Novak), which supports all of Lizzie's fears. Before anything can happen, Rodney radios in requesting Lizzie's presence for Very Important Things.
Control room. Lizzie asks what's up. Shep tells her that there's no Bomb of Death and Destruction. Before Lizzie can rejoice in this news, Rodney has to poop all over her glee by clarifying that while there's no actual device, there could still be an explosion. And then Rodney gets really close to Chuck. *las* You know, Shep's hair is really distracting. All I can think about is how it's so much more sticky-uppy right now than it's been in awhile, and poor Rodney's trying to finger-porn my attention back onto him. Sorry, McKay. Rodney explains all the ways they can still be vaporized -- while Chuck checks out his ass -- and how it's all tied into the ZPM, which "controls a massive amount of power." Shep, translating for Lizzie: "Like a dam." Hee. Rodney: "No, well, okay, yes, maybe." And Shep does the cute Yeah Yeah Yeah Head Nod while looking kind of bored. Heee! Then he slips in a quick arch of the eyebrow. Crap, I keep forgetting I'm supposed to be recapping the show and not every single tiny movement that Shep makes. My bad. But god, the man is so pretty. And smart! Rodney: "Something something something overloading dam is bad. Therefore, failsafes." Shep, still translating: "Like a spillway." Rodney whines, "Can we please just stick to 'failsafes'?" Causing Shep to do the 'Whatever, Rar!' Eyeroll and Shake of his head. God, he's just so damn adorkable.
Anyway, long story short, our Happy Bomber Wannabes did a whole bunch of things to mask all the whatevers, which Lizzie correctly concludes would cause the ZPM to overload. In this close-up of Lizzie, you can see Shep's arm draped across the console behind her, and it looks like his arm is around her. Hey, I point out the Shep slash, let me have my ridiculously stretched het moment. Rodney wibbles that the overload would be catastrophic, with the "explosion destroying not only the city but the entire planet." This is something Rodney understands, since he blew up five-sixths of a solar system once upon a time. Shep, who takes pride in ribbing McKay, doesn't harp on "Trinity" since it's still a sore point between them. He merely asks if they can re-enable the failsafes. They can, but only if they can crack the secret password. Don't you hate when that happens? Rodney continues to doom and gloom about catastrophic overload and Chuck keeps sneaking glances at his ass. Oh, Chuck, why are you so eager to join the Atlantis Slash Orgy? *CRIZ* Anyway, blah blah blah, Rodney, with the help of some finger porn, and Lizzie connect the dots on how Wraith cruisers ultimately equal Atlantis Kablooey. The scene ends with the Music of Doom playing over Lizzie's Migraine of 'We're Fucked' and JF looking like he would really like to go home and sleep in his own bed right now.
Torture (except not really)! Lizzie faces off with Kavanagh, who smarmily tries to make both Rodney and Radek into suspects. Of course, Lizzie is not fooled. She tells him she can picture him working for The Trust, which seems to hurt Kavanagh's feelings because he's wiping away tears. I'd aww, but I don't really care. Lizzie can make grown men cry. RAWR. Faced with mounting circumstantial evidence against him, Kavanagh contradicts his earlier statement about not having friends on Atlantis. Lizzie is awesome and not stupid so she calls him on it. Busted, Kavanagh knows he can't win this round. Damn straight. There's no time for all this bullshitting around, and I agree, because I would really like to finish up this recap. So Lizzie puts her foot down and demands the access codes that would allow them to end this episode. Kavanagh smugs a "What? You're going to torture me or something? Pfft." They face off, and because she's got an endoskeleton made of adamantium, Lizzie wins and Kavanagh blinks first. And then pees his pants because Lizzie can be one scary beyotch when she wants to be.
Control room, again. Rodney thinks he can get the cloak to work without blowing them to itty bitty vaporized pieces. Shep and Lizzie communicate via eye contact, and he brings up the possibility of evacuating the city. Rodney's all "Eh, that can be Plan C." And no one looks happy about any of this, except for Chuck and Cadman, who are watching Rodney with rapt attention.
Infirmary of People Who Want to Die But Are Being Forced To Live By People Wearing Teeny Tops. Teyla seeks out Carson, demanding to know why Charin has been moved into the infirmary. Dude, Teyla, make up your freaking mind. The two have their first lovers' quarrel, and I'd like to know why the fuck Ronon is staying away from Teyla in this episode. The Hippocratic Oath is mentioned, but Dr. Tey-vorkian's all, "If she wants to die, she's going to die, dammit." Damn Dirty Athosians and their euthanasia. Carson woobies for a bit, but agrees. Like he had a choice since Teyla can kick his ass with her pinky.
Conference Room of More Hand Porn. This time, the offender is Shep, who's got the finger-to-lip action that makes me tingle in all my girl parts. He watches the proceedings as Rodney admits that his code-breaking skills are crap. Skinner wonders if Kavanagh has broken and cried mercy yet under Lizzie's tender care. Lizzie admits that hasn't happened, and what's interesting -- to me, anyway -- is that even though she's talking to Skinner, she keeps glancing over at Shep. What? Despite everyone labeling Kavanagh a stubborn wussy, Lizzie doubts that they can just walk all over him for the code. The camera pans past her to show Ronon leaning against the balcony outside the open doors of the conference room. Mmm, hello, leather pants. He waltzes in, all, "Gimme ten minutes with him, and I can make him squeal." Except, since he's already got one of his knives out, he's saved two minutes of his time and could probably break Kavanagh in eight minutes instead. Hearing this, Rodney cringes; maybe he knows what ten minutes with Ronon is like, and that's all I'm saying. Shep reluctantly supports Ronon's Violence!Yay idea since they're running out of time. Unfortunately, the civilians in this meeting aren't quite as eager to join the Violence!Yay Movement just yet. Skinner's all, "Sometimes you gotta break some heads to something something." Shep nods knowingly (but not happily) because 60-something Genii learned this lesson the hard way at his hands. Lizzie looks even less happy about this truth and eyefucks us out of the scene. We weren't given visual clues as to the exact direction she was looking in, but since the camera was just on Shep, I'm going to say that's a Sparky Eyefuck of Oh Noes. Just because I can. Also, because I'm recapping, so there.
Back in the control room, Cadman and I are IM'ing each other. Or, we could be; she's got the same lappy as me. Still clinging to his distrust of her, Rodney wants to know what she's messing with this time. In this case, old system command logs. She calmly explains that she noticed a gap in the data stream, to which Rodney impatiently snarks a "yes, yes, a deletion point, evil tap-dancing explosives expert" and aims an Evil Monkey Finger at her. Except not really. Rodney bitches and moans about wasting time, and Cadman bitches and moans right back about only wanting to help. So Rodney comes up with one of his genius plans: "Try working on the failsafe codes, damn you." Lucky for him, before Cadman can stick her tap dancing shoes up Rodney's ass, he's distracted by the Big TeeVee Screen of Incoming Doom. With the cruisers right on their doorstep, he thinks it's time to try connecting the ZPM and recloaking the city. Lizzie gives him the go ahead, and we dun dun DUN right to...
ZPM Room. Hey, how'd he get there so fast? The ZPM is inserted into its hole, and a gorgeous new view of the city suddenly dissolves under its Shield of Invisibility. WHEEE!
Control Room. Again, how the fuck did Rodney get there so fast after that last scene? Are there multiple McKay clones running around the city or does he just wrinkle his nose and suddenly appear where he wants? A couple of keystrokes on the lappy later, he seems surprised that his initial power consumption estimate was correct; they're holding steady below the overload threshold. Lizzie gives him the Head Nod of Praise.
The journey begins -- if your journey starts and stops at Death, that is. Don't get me wrong, I feel really bad for Teyla and there's not a dry eye in the infirmary, but Charin finally dies and we can all move on with our lives. For the record, yes, it's a balmy -50 degrees Fahrenheit in my heart year round, why do you ask? Kind of sucks that neither Ronon nor Shep bother to be at her side to comfort her. Spanky and Shep/Teyla Anvils: "D'oh!" Carson Anvil: "*waves* Cadman and Rodney are busy; I have time."
Flat Panel of Doom. Rodney ominouses a "They're heeeeere" as he and Lizzie stare at the Red Blips of Death. Lizzie clings to the fact that the Red Blips of Death aren't behaving as if they know Atlantis is still a viable threat. Of course, she jinxes them just in the act of breathing that miniscule sigh of relief, and Cadman eeks out an "er, you know the city's inertial dampeners? Yeah. DOOM!" Laptop: "Access denied. Haha! ACCESS DENIED, BITCHEZ!" Rodney runs over Cadman to get to the computer and oh-noes a "It's the Star Drive!" Because this is the first time we've heard of this (er, maybe?), Lizzie does the Headshake of 'Speak English, Por Favor.' It seems that the Star Drive has to do with the city being one big ol' Spaceship (and how long before Atlantis actually gets to fly on this show?). Long story short: ZPM overload in about 30 minutes. EEEEEP! Because my timestamp says we have less than 10 minutes until the end of the episode, this, thankfully, will not be in real time.
Conference Room of 'Shit, We Need PLANS, People!' Here come all the important people, with Shep and Skinner opting for evacuation via Daedalus. This makes sense, considering they have no other way off the planet except via spaceship. Rodney derails that idea because it'll be a tight squeeze on the Daedalus, not to mention, everyone will die from the lack of, you know, life support before they actually reach Earth. But with that many planets in the Pegasus Galaxy, couldn't they just drop them off on a planet so they can wait or gate to the Alpha Site? Also, they have a whole bunch of Jumpers for short trips. Must I think of everything for them? Well, no, not really, because Shep suggests the Planet of Glowy PowerBar-Loving Spacebugs as a temporary haven, even though it got ridiculously cold at night, if I recall. And Lizzie comes up with the idea of using the Jumpers for extra people-moving powers. This, of course, is too much like cowardly running for the Manly Man in the room. Bamm-Bamm's all, "uh, dudes? I could totally spank Kavanagh until he cries mercy and hands over the codes before you even get one Jumper loaded with people." I love that he recognizes Weir as the leader of Atlantis, because he appeals to her instead of Shep. And for all you in the super-rare pairings subset of the fandom, Weir/Dex Anvils giggle and make neener neener faces at everyone else as the two eyefuck each other straight into Rodney's 24-minute warning of Vaporized Doom and Gloom.
But of course, the Eyefuck to End All Eyefucks occurs immediately after that, as Shep and Lizzie silently argue the pros and cons of letting Ronon loose on a poor unsuspecting Kavanagh. With their EYES. And then they secretly undress each other -- with their eyes -- and dun sex -- with their eyes -- and maybe even cuddle and take a nap -- with their eyes -- or, whatever it is they do when they stare at each other for what feels like hours at a time. I'm just saying, they're always making with the Intense Moo Eyes at each other. With Shep's unspoken support and most likely encouragement, she turns her gorgeous green eyes on Ronon. "Do it." She looks seriously unhappy but is willing to stand by her decision, even though Shep is still eyefucking her. Hee. Ronon looks to Shep for his approval since there's that whole military chain of command thing that Ronon cutely clings to, but since Shep is STILL LOOKING at Lizzie, it only takes him half a year to finally glance over and give Ronon the Subtle Nod of Approval. I guess we should feel bad for Kavanagh's fate, but Shep does the Lip Lick of Hotness and that pretty much erases any further thoughts about other men besides him.
Elsewhere. Under the only skylight in Atlantis, the Dirty People have gathered around Charin's pyre to set her on fire. Carson runs in, exhaling an "Oh, God" because dammit, stupid dirty people, you're not supposed to play with fire inside the house. Carson makes hand-to-arm contact with Teyla, all tender and concerned, wanting to know what the fuck is going on. There's something about starting the Lord of the Rings Ceremony, but... where the hell did Teyla get that ugly-ass dress? I'll give her props for it not being paisley, at least. Also, why is she wearing the fugly dress when all the other Dirty People are still in their Dirty Rag Clothing? Because Carson's a man, and has more important things on his mind -- like survival, and for some odd reason, actual concern over the welfare of all the Dirty People -- he doesn't stop to ask her who won the jousting competition at the Medieval faire. Instead, he's more alarmed that the Dirty People are planning on completing this silly ceremony when everyone else is running for their lives. The two have a Tender Moment of Oh Noes to themselves, which I will not recap because dammit, they need their privacy. (Also, because I feel like I am betraying the Spanky in me.) Let's just say, the eyesex, while not as fiery as those shared with the Angry Monkey, is still pretty hot in a lovely, gentle way.
Talk about suspense... one lonely door opens... slowly... ominously... to reveal a glaring, bloodthirsty, Jack Bauer Ronon. Kavanagh: *PEES HIS PANTS* Jack Bauer Ronon does the Badass Strut of Testosterone into the room as all fangirls faint from manly man sensory overload. Zoom in: Kavanagh's Oh Shit Face. Suck it, assmunch.
Back at the rejected movie set for Return of the King, there are chimes. CHIMES, PEOPLE. The flute, the banjo, and the 100 piece orchestra in the next room playing over the state-of-the-art Atlantean Bose stereo system start up the Celtic music. Carson looks exactly how I feel -- fidgety and wishing for a quick and painless death. So that's obviously not going to happen. Lucky bitch, Charin; her journey may just be beginning, but my hell has just started. And look, Teyla brings it home by SINGING.
Thus begins the Crossover Montage of Missing Scenes from ROTK/Atlantis. As Teyla sings, Cadman and Rodney blog about how Teyla needs to just stop because her song is pretty but completely random and cheesy on this show. As Teyla continues to sing, Lizzie paces in her room, trying to come up with a diplomatic way to say, "Teyla, sweetie? Charin's dead, I don't think she'd care if you stopped now because I am very much alive and, for the love of god, shut up." Teyla mercifully stops singing so the drums in the music can sync with the ominous whooshing of Wraith engines cutting through space toward Atlantis's DOOM. Rodney broadcasts the 10-Minute Warning of Kablooey and suggests they all start heading to the Jumpers as Cadman and her bouncy hair rush in to announce that she's found something. The lyrics respite comes to an end as Teyla once again continues singing. I have nothing against Teyla singing; she has a really great voice and the song itself isn't bad. But the lip-synching is off in a couple of places, not to mention, unless she's wearing fifty billion microphones under the Medieval Gown of WTF, there is no way her voice could fill such a tiny room with super-amplified stadium level noise. Especially out of her wee self. I don't care how wide she can open her mouth and how great her diaphragm control is. (Er, that was not a sex joke, pervs.) Music editor guy? You lose at life and at your job.
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Once again, we're treated to the calm before the storm, ie. Teyla stops singing for a few more instrumental verses. Shep runs into the interrogation room, yelling "Stop! What'd you do, omg?" The camera pans around to show Ronon looming over Kavanagh, lying on the ground, unconscious. Ronon shrugs a "Nothing; he fainted before I could touch him." And how disappointed does he sound? Hee. Shep tries very hard not to laugh his ass off, but you can bet his hair products that when this crisis has passed, everyone on Atlantis will be laughing their ass off at Kavanagh's fainting spell. Even McKay. More montage! Still no singing, though there be music. On the Daedalus, Skinner gives away the big twisty surprise by evil-smirking as he radios Lizzie to tell her he's ready to flee and will "meet them at the rendezvous site" or you know, NOT. Suddenly, he's engulfed in an Asgard beam and transported...
To the interrogation room. Obviously confused, Skinner's all, "WTF?!" Across the room, Mulder and Scully are not impressed with him, as they stand really close and present a united front against the Forces of Evil. Lizzie's wielding her spine of steel and is superhot: "Give us the access codes, RAR." Skinner: *plays dumb and outraged* as Ronon stalks the space behind him. Lizzie, pissed: "Cadman found your deletion points of EVIL in the system logs." Skinner: "Quit wasting my time, h0r!" Lizzie, really pissed, takes a step closer and growls a "You dummy, you did all this bad stuff that I won't make Pooh write up because she wants me and Shep to go sex as soon as possible right after this, but seriously, how stupid can you be if you used your own identification code?" Skinner: "I have no idea what you just said, but I am sooooo not working for The Trust. Cancerman and his minions made my life hell for 9 years, dammit." Shep chambers a round into his pistol as he steps up to stand beside Lizzie again. See, no personal space and they're tethered together with elastic bands. Shep's not quite as scary as Lizzie, but he demands the access codes. Then -- SURPRISE TWIST OF NOT! -- Skinner's eyes flash with the black oilien, er, the Goa'uld glowy thing. Realizing that the man hasn't just been working for the Bad Guys of Cheese, he's actually been compromised by a Bad Snake of Cheese, Shep aims his sidearm at him (hot!) as Lizzie simultaneously steps back in shock and "ohmygod"s at this revelation. Then Skinner effeminates the Goa'uld voicebox of "I will never give you that code." What is it about Goa'ulds that's so... slashy? But never mind that. It's SPARKY TIME! WHEEEEEE! Lizzie and Shep turn to eyefuck AT THE SAME TIME. Then nodding once, Lizzie turns on her heels and retreats out of the room, leaving her hero, Shep, to take care of the messy details.
Shep turns his attention back to the Snakehead Skinner. Currently, my player is paused on Shep, looking supersexyyummyhot in his Badass Muthafucker pose so I need to stare for a few minutes. I am so smitten with his eyes and his hairy arms and I don't even like hairy men, shut up. *lalala* Skinner's not quite as taken by the Intensity known as Sheppard. He cheeses an "I must warn you. I now possess the strength of many men... and a couple of llamas." (God, make the CHEESE STOP.) Behind him, Ronon and his angry-monkey-powered Chest of Whoa glare at him, all "Won't be a fair fight then." And then he Angry Monkey Kicks a chair away and rams Skinner's head into a wall. Oh, Ronon, Heightmeyer's gonna want to psychoanalyze your childhood to figure out what you have against chairs. Once is funny; twice is a pattern. Shep stands idly by with his gun focused on the pair as Ronon bashes Skinner's face in a couple of times and then throws him over the table. Apparently, a Goa'uld-powered Colonel is still no match for a Chair-Hating Angry Monkey and the Taser-Wielding Colonel Bedhead. Shep zaps him a couple of times -- once for the Goa'uld, once for messing with Lizzie, once for telling him to seek and destroy Wraith-cracked Ford, once more for Lizzie, another time for Ford, for the Goa'uld thing again, and then one for shits and giggles. On the ground, Skinner's eyes flash a couple of times, but he wisely skips the Passing Kidney Stone of Internal Struggle to breathe heavily and woobie for awhile. Shep attempts contact: "Will the real Colonel Skinner please stand up?" And The Real Skinner does the shaky voice of "I'm... here... omg... make... this... episode... stop." (You might not be able to tell, but I actually love this episode. Really.) Shep does the "yeah, yeah, yeah, gimme the access code already" as Ronon, who's obviously spent way too much time around Lizzie and Teyla, does the Eyebrow Quirk of Eh... because after all that work, this is actually... kind of lame.
In the control room, the volume on the Music That Will Never End is turned up as Rodney screams a "ZPM's spiking! Gotta go! Gotta go!" And then he busts his ass out of there before everyone else has a chance to even stand up. Dude, McKay should never be allowed to sit in the emergency row of an airplane just because he WILL LEAVE YOUR ASS BEHIND. Of course, it's all a false alarm since Shep and Ronon conveniently appear at that very moment with the much needed access code written on a slip of paper. WTF. No, really, WTF? That was... dumb. Everyone flails a bit as Rodney reactivates the failsafes. And then everyone does the Floppy Sigh of Relief. Ronon, especially, needs to drape his entire body across one control console because, dammit, kicking chairs is HARD WORK. Shep tries not to act it, but he can't hide his expression of "WTF? LAMEST ANTICLIMACTIC CONCLUSION EVER... TWO CONSECUTIVE EPISODES IN A ROW!"
And then Teyla starts singing again and I am reminded of the need to KILL MYSELF. No, she's wonderful, just... stop, please stop, omg please please please stop. This singing is so completely cheesy and out of place on this show that it HURTS MY SOUL. All the Dirty People watch her sing, and stare longingly at Charin's spot on the Fake!Pyre of Death. As the song nears its conclusion, even Teyla looks bored of lip-synching. The song ends on the line "our journey begins" but thankfully, THAT'S A LIE, and the song finally ends. It would be insensitive of me to point out that neither Shep nor Ronon has bothered to seek out Teyla in her obvious time of emotional need, but I'm just that kind of girl. Spanky and Shep/Teyla Anvils: "OMG, WE REALLY DO SUCK." What I'd really like to know: Where do the Dirty Little People keep that expensive-looking Oriental rug when they're living in their foldable huts?
Normality has been reached. And it involves Carson and Cadman giggling through the halls of Atlantis. Feeling just a tad jealous, Rodney interrupts the cute love moment by sharing his geekgasms over Hermiod attempting to de-Goa'uldify Skinner's brain with Asgard beaming technology. Er... okay? Huh, for all you Beckett/McKay slashers out there, my player has paused on Carson giving McKay a decidedly non-platonic, affectionate smile and eyefuck. Do what you will with it. Rodney beams excitedly, but alas, it's not directed at Carson. Because here comes Radek. Hee! Zinka's all dolled up with bright colored straw in his braided hair and facepaint... all over his body, no doubt. Rodney glees a "Hey, it's Mr. Mom!" Zinka's pissed, ordering Rodney to never speak to him again. Which just makes Rodney grin goofily because, make up sex? It's the bestest. And then Radek takes his merry band of facepainted scientists back to the labs to sulk and gripe.
Office of Angst. While the city returns to normal and Ronon and Teyla go back to doing porny splits, Lizzie's absently playing with her grandfather's pocketwatch, musing over all the squicky moral lines she had to cross today. Lucky for her, Shep bounces in, trying to cheer her up. He's like a little boy, rushing to be the first to share a joke with Lizzie with his "Did you see Zelenka, huh, huh, huh?" Awww, ADORABLE! He's like her puppy or something. Hee. Lizzie says no, but she gives him this cute half-smile that's just... gorgeous in its simplicity. If Lizzie didn't look so forlorn and sad, Shep should have grabbed her hand and ran her over to Zinka's lab just to make her laugh. (Though I'm a card-carrying het shipper, it pains me to do it, but in all fairness, I should probably point out for those Shep/Zelenka slashers, that Shep found time to actually see Zelenka after he came back through the gate and before he could wash his face. Last thing I need are another set of Anvils, but there it is.) Speaking of rare OTPs: Shep's butt interfaces with Lizzie's desk. It's amazing how comfortable he is sitting on her desk like that. In that Sparky corner of my scary brain, it's because they dun sex so much on that desk, he practically lives on it. Lizzie woes that she's having Beckett institute a check-up on all personnel because you never know. Shep agrees that it sucks to have to even consider it. They do a Slow Lazy Eyefuck Across a Desk, except they just miss doing it at the same time. WHAT? Lizzie's all sad and upset at herself for crossing that line with Kavanagh, but Shep -- god bless his Sparky heart -- tries to comfort her, assuring her she had to do what she had to do. It doesn't work, but that soft, lower-register tone of his? The one he reserves for Lizzie? Does absolute wonders to all my nerve endings. She's disturbed that they're no different than the Wraith with all the in-fighting. John ponders this ugly truth, all sad and stuff, except for his swinging leg, which is just boyishly adorable. Poor Lizzie! Poor Shep! They need snuggles!
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Fade to black... And then they dun sex. What? Had to slip that one in since he was already on her desk.
Next week: A McKay-centric episode. I'm going to need more liquor.