I know, I know....

[anahata56]

It's been a long time since I've been here. In all honesty, life has been busy at best, crushingly so at worst. And I've found myself in this wordless place--probably because I've found myself in a place that has had life and circumstances swirling so madly around me that there has been no space to think a thought, let alone craft a sentence worthy

Comments

[claire]

Fuck 'em, Belle. There are plenty of people out here who think you are perfectly fine just the way you are. If you were here now I'd give you a big hug. Well, as big a hug as I am capable of these days with my 6 month pregnant belly ;)

[weedblossom]

I give you my hugs and love and a big "I understand" when it comes to the conditional love part - especially (or partly) when it comes to the Christianity aspect. This is something that I refuse to address at this early part of my life simply because I am terribly afraid of being disowned by my father, or breaking someone's heart; but I do understand. But conditional love I understand 100%.

But I love you, and I give you my support 100%. (I didn't read all the comments so if I repeated anything, I'm sorry. I just wanted to give extra love.)

[anahata56]

Can I tell you something? It's better done earlier than later.

We have reached the uncomfortable position of my father realizing that he must DEPEND on someone he doesn't like. My mother reached the same conclusion. It made things worse, for both sides.

If I had come out earlier, and if I hadn't tried to hard to keep the ties bound, it wouldn't have ended up this way. And I can see where it could happen to you, because you are most definitely a Carer.

I urge you to take care of it now. Be yourself NOW. And if Mom cries and Dad disowns you, that's on THEM, not you. It is their incapacity for love that would cause them to manipulate you. But the thing is--the manipulation is working now, and they don't have to do a thing at this point except make you afraid it will happen. They don't have to inconvenience themselves one little bit, and you're still feeling enough angst to toe the line, and do what they want

[pointoforigin]

I was just thinking recently about how I miss your blogging--here and at the other place. So I was really happy when I saw you'd posted again. But now I'm sad that the flailing of you by unkind forces hasn't really stopped. Would it be really bad to say that I so much appreciate you for telling all about it so honestly? Because I'm having that kind of year myself, and I'm still in the middle of some very sad things with my family, and it helps, honestly, to know that I'm not alone and that a wonderful and articulate person like you has expressed some of the same things that I'm feeling! Thanks, and I hope it gets better soon. (Not that the realization that we'll never get the love we wanted and deserved from our parents is ever going to turn to peaches and cream . . . but they say you can move on past that and not feel it going stabby, stabby every day. I have an open mind about this, though I haven't seen it yet.)

[anahata56]

I got kicked out of the other place--the "once a month or else" rule got to be too demanding, and I went back one day to update and realized that I was too busy LIVING all of this to actually blog about it--just the same as it has happened here. So no, I won't be going back there. If you want to find me, this is where you can find me--but even so, if things don't simmer down pretty soon, I may not be HERE as often as I'd like either.

I beg your patience...;-)

In the meantime...

I saw a rabbi on television once, talking about families, and he said, "God gives us families in order to teach us to get along with people that we would in no way have anything to do with if we were not related to them." I'll expand that by saying that it is often God who is the biggest interference in that ability to get along--which makes Yahweh an even more sadistic trickster than Loki ever dreamed of being!

[silivrenglaur]

hughughughughughughughug! So sorry you're having such a hard time :( You're in our thoughts <3

[moropus]

You just explained everything that has ever been wrong with me and my parents. Er, make that me and most of my life. I didn't know what the problem was. May I write down a few highlights and show them to my therapist? Nothing too personal. Just the general idea.

Also, if your Dad is in a care institute forever, you might consider changing your phone number, and calling his carers to see how he is, rather than being raked over the coals every day.

Take a vacation from your Dad, as it were.

[anahata56]

You can take the whole thing! I don't mind!

I don't know what the status is of his stay at Manor Care, to be honest. Because, you see, there is nothing wrong with him--at least not anymore, and at least not physically. His problem is the "donwannas". He made himself sick, because he doesn't WANT to take care of himself. But the deal is that if he doesn't take care of himself at home, then he can't BE home. But if it's simply a question of WILL, then there is no medical reason for him to be in a skilled nursing facility--and he won't HEAR of going anywhere else.

I have to invoke the power of the social worker on this one. Because I'm not going to give up my life--it's not possible, and even if it was, I don't WANT to. I can be just as "donwanna" as HE can, on that level. But the thing is, it's not RIGHT for him to expect it. It's not RIGHT for him to even WANT it.

It's not going to happen--but Frank suggests that I let the social worker and the folks in the facility be the bad guys on this one, and I'm just as happy to do that.

[saavik]

If he is capable of making himself physically sick because he "donwanna", I would imagine that the social worker and the doctors at the care facility will take that into consideration as a mental (ie cognitive) malfunction. It may well be a sign of encroaching dementia, Belle, when he can't make appropriate decisions about personal hygiene to the point of malnutrition, dehydration and impacted bowels.

The social workers and the people at the facility may be the bad guys in your Dad's eyes, but their decision to keep him there would be absolutely the correct one.

[anahata56]

To be honest, that's the way I think about it, too--if the incapacity finds its roots in simple stubbornness, and not in actual PHYSICAL incapacity, it seems to me that the end result is the same--he CANNOT take care of himself, even if it's only his WILL that's standing in the way.

I'm hoping that the medical folks see it that way as well.