Today I saw a homeless man with a chair. He was most likely the CEO of homelessness.

The best thing to beat a child with when they lie to you is another child that has lied to you.

Bowls are plates that have adapted to their environment.

Contrary to tonight's earlier thoughts, umbilical cords were not issued and popularized in the 1950's by leash laws.

After ten years working as an accountant, shooting staples over their cubicle walls would be all a person would have left in the world.

If wearing a hoodie backwards ever become trendy and socially acceptable, I'm buying stock in oats.

Tampon commericals make me think about how heavy my computer mouse's flow must be since its pad is so big. I'll be honest. I don't want to think about things like that.

If I were to go to another country and I didn't want to look like a tourist, I'd cover myself in dirt. People might think that I'm homeless, but at least they'd think that I'm homeless in another country.

Animals available for purchase at pet stores should come in packages that are labeled with descriptions. Not only would this make them easier to sort and shelf, but it would make it easier for me to find a pet that could floss my teeth at night and run on mostly unleaded fuel.

When I become elderly I'm going to wear my pants so high that I have to carve notches into my neckties.