Dear Jason,

I wrote every song for you.

Love,
Phil Collins

If my address number was 2005, I'd call my residence 'The Year'. When it became 2006 I'd move to prevent obvious embarassment or draw a line to close the loop of the five on my mailbox and stationary.

In recent years, I've found that the perfect gift is a voucher to beat someone's child.

One can always tell what previous season's television shows were cancelled by the stars of current season's commercials.

I beat my retarded cousin unmercifully in pool tonight.

I have justified this to myself by saying that his retardation was a way of pool sharking me for the last fifteen years.

Around the holidays, for family members over eighty, I like to buy greeting cards that mark my condolences for their loss. But then if they actually live, I cross out the writing on the front and any mention of death inside and put 'Merry Christmas'.

I find myself walking my dog more often now that she ate my shoelace.

"Es haben alles angefangen, als ich ein buch durch kerzenlicht las." - Adolf Hitler

I just yelled at my neighbor's kids for being in my lawn.

Anyone who has ever called me immature or childish should read that again.

This year I'm going to give friends and family library books for Christmas. That way I don't have to return them.