Ok, someone has to do the obligatory Valentine's Day apology and/or condemnation, so I figured it would be me because this is just too creepy (yet sort of funny in an Edward Gorey way):
If I locked you in a cellar, And tied you up with twine, Then I would be your only feller And you'd have to be my Valentine.
This is ridiculous. What if a kid was speaking another language because he was studying for a test in the language? Would the school punish him as well?