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Hope for the hopeless
I took a leap and went to Trevor's birthday party for a couple hours today. When I had received the invitation on Facebook a while back, I was dreading it. Desperately wondering what excuses I could come up with not to attend, because of my social phobia. I had intimidating visions of a video game-geared party in which I was deemed unacceptable, as ( Read more... ) -
This is my story
When I'm asked to pinpoint the beginnings of my anxiety, I instinctively recall 5th or 6th grade, when I started staying home from school frequently. I knew other people thought that I was lazy, stubborn, faking sick. But it made sense to me. Going to school hurt, so it made sense to stay away from school. Thinking about it, though, I started ( Read more... ) -
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I wake up at 4:30 am, the panic starts to set in. I take slow, deep breaths to offset the nausea and rapid heartbeat, and I pop my last Ativan. This attack could be a lot worse. But that doesn't mean I'm enjoying it. What the hell is wrong with my body anyway? I am not in any danger. My own mind is trying to off me. Each day that I'm not better is ( Read more... ) -
tmiiiii
I had a horrible and scary night last night. Started having stomach cramps and, after attempting to ignore them for a few minutes, got up to use the washroom, thinking I might be getting diarrhea. By the time I got there, I was exceedingly nauseous and grabbed a plastic bag from the kitchen in case I threw up. However, the stomach cramps became so ( Read more... ) -
A day in the life
A few of my surgical tapes have loosened, so I pulled those ones off after I got out of the shower today. Of course, same as last time, they took small bits of skin with them, and had to be replaced by a bandaid. But that's okay. Minor stinging, minor bleeding. The wounds are all crusty where the blood dried, which drives me crazy, because it makes ( Read more... ) -
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I'm so torn on this "dieting", "watching what you eat", "counting calories" business. I want to be healthy. At 5'6" and 195ish pounds, I am obviously not physically healthy. But what price should I pay for my health? How healthy is it for me to obsess about what I eat, think about food constantly, and hang my self-worth for the day on what I ate ( Read more... ) -
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I've gotten set up with the Managing Anxiety group, which starts next Thursday at 11am and meets weekly. The more I think about it, the more terrifying it is. Now that I've spoken with the coordinator, it's real. I'm nervous about the new people. I'm nervous about being put on the spot and having to explain my anxiety problems, give examples, in ( Read more... ) -
A love letter.
You are not in high school anymore.
You are not your fears.
You are a strong and beautiful young woman.
You will live courageously, even if you can't believe that right now.
You will overcome. -
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I'm seeing Dr. O'Grady for my first post-op checkup tomorrow at 1:45pm. I've made a firm decision in my mind that although Christopher is off work tomorrow, I will not ask him to go with me. This shouldn't be a big deal, but for me, it is. The only time I go places alone is when I have no other choice. In therapy, we talked about my anxiety and my ( Read more... ) -
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I had my second session with my therapist today. She, again, referred me to the Managing Anxiety group, which starts next week and goes Thursdays for 10 weeks. We talked a bit about the connection between my anxiety and my homesickness, which is something I've been thinking a lot about on my own since our first session. We didn't set up another ( Read more... )