I am so lost, but I feel like i shouldn't be and i have no right to feel this way. Like i have all the resources and answers but i just don't use them fully so i have no right. Life, this bitch never gives me answers automatically. I need to stop caring what other people think to the fullest extent possible. I base so many of my decisions on what ( Read more... )

I'm not the best at letting myself feel stuff I like to analyze tha fuck out of it. I was going through my bag of cards and shit from the hospital, debating on wether or not i was keeping any of it (for what? i have no idea) Im a fucking cancer we keep shit. So I see this letter from Alex and it says "the woman of my dreams" and I start bawling ( Read more... )

I haven't been writing lately (how commonly boring and repetative is that) I just wanted to put that I am in love with music and it's history right now hip hop and punk to be specific. I just put 15 movies in my queue on netflix and I just really want to know where this stuff came from. Hip hop is so young, I got some Miles Davis and Jazz stuff too ( Read more... )

When I get out of the shower in the summer it's a completely different feeling than when I get out in the fall. Even if there's no temperature difference. Now that I think of it life is just different, sex is different, going to dinner is different EVERYTHING. It's like the aura of the i don't know, ground is radiating different vibes according to ( Read more... )

So I'm in a meeting tonight and someone says it is a life or death decision, which made me close my eyes and then what flashed through my mind was "Ya it is" but when I opened my eyes I thought this could be me in 20 years. The same old Lindsay Rucker, changed in no way at all, wondering who I am and what I'm doing here sitting in a meeting FUCKED ( Read more... )

I'm on a potsticker binge they are so damn good. And a not sleeping binge i don't know why i love sleeping. And a candy binge I went trick or treating with Kerri it was so fun we dressed in Johnny's clothes and were gangsters. :) I've already eaten like 6 pieces today. I'm getting my hair done in an hour and i'm kinda scared but so excited. I haven ( Read more... )

OK first off I just randomly discovered this cd by this human General Elektriks. Cliquety Kiqk. It is so awesomely loving my head. I opened the cd and it said "Recorded on and off between 2000 and 2003 in bedrooms and basements of Paris SF, Seattle and Berkely using a computer and a shure SM57 mic Mixed in the computer." And even though I know ( Read more... )

I just relapsed on Percoset like a week ago and took it for like 5 days straight. Then I felt like dying. FUCK pain, FUCK doctors they don't know shit about this disease. I will endure as much hurting as i need to. I ain't got the endurance. I'm lost. I don't know if I have another bottom to spare ( Read more... )

me and alex just ended our loving as scumbag and pussy cat. It makes me feel free while being sad at the same time. i had something hanging over my head the past few months and I couldn't figure out what it was but I felt lighter and relieved somewhat when he let me go. I need to learn how to stop attaching myself to people like that anyway. ( Read more... )

you know sometimes I wish the rope would strangle me to death but it just tugs and chokes. once in a while I get a fresh deep breath of air and then I choke choke choke. but maybe that's me wanting my life to be perfect. I just turned vegetarian and I don't have the motivation to create anything so I'm starving right now. Spending useless hours ( Read more... )