[Fic] All That I Am - 11/12
Title: All That I Am
Author: Coley Merrin
Rating: R
Pairing: Zhou Mi/Kyuhyun
Genre: AU, Romance
Summary: To find a date that Kyuhyun can stomach is impossible - unless they hire one to pretend. But not even the perfect companion can stop years worth of threats, or keep their acting from becoming all too real.
***
Chapter One * Chapter Two * Chapter Three * Chapter Four * Chapter Five * Chapter Six * Chapter Seven * Chapter Eight * Chapter Nine * Chapter Ten * Chapter Eleven * Chapter Twelve
***
The only thing he’d demanded upon arriving at the hospital was a drink of water. Forget the IVs, creams, bandages, tests. Whatever. Take half of his blood for all he cared, as long as his mouth got wet. And as they got him settled in a room, Zhou Mi finally got let back in after being jostled about and kicked out at least twice because too many people were around. And he sighed, Zhou Mi taking his hand so carefully, kissing his now pristine fingers. Zhou Mi looked behind him like a nurse would come in to slap him, edging up onto the bed so that he could sit there, staring at Kyuhyun’s face.
He felt less and less tired. Maybe because the drugs had gotten him in his napping early, but now that he was able to see out of both eyes, he saw truly how tired Zhou Mi looked.
“Water?” he rumbled, and Zhou Mi held the cup for him so that he could slurp half of it through the straw. He didn’t think he’d ever drink enough to get the nasty, dry taste out of his mouth. Though as he sank back, Zhou Mi was kissing his cheek, careful to avoid the raw edges of his mouth, kissing toward his ear, petting his neck.
“Kyuhyun?” Zhou Mi whispered.
“Hmm?” he asked, leaning his cheek against Zhou Mi’s.
“I’m so glad you’re okay.”
He got his hand up, petting down the back of Zhou Mi’s hair, his neck. Hoping the ragged breaths he heard weren’t what he thought.
“You’d better not be crying,” he warned, pinching Zhou Mi’s shoulder.
Zhou Mi laughed, pulling back. No, he wasn’t crying. He was smiling. “No, I’m not Kui Xian. I want to-”
“Okay, all the paper work is finally in order,” Eeteuk said, his voice that of the put-upon.
“I want to leave,” Kyuhyun called, waggling Zhou Mi’s ear lobe between his fingers.
“If you want checked out, then you’re going to have to prove you’re not alone. You don’t have a concussion, so…”
“Just tell them whatever you need. I want out of here. I have stuff to do.”
“Do you think you should rest a while?” Zhou Mi said, nudging his chin toward him so that Kyuhyun had to look.
“I’ve been forced to rest all night long,” he pointed out.
“Oh. Zhou Mi, that reminds me. There’s an officer downstairs who needed a few signatures from you because of…? I told him I’d send you down. Could you get me coffee, too?”
Zhou Mi grimaced, petting Kyuhyun’s face again. He didn’t know if he liked that expression particularly.
“I’ll be right back up,” Zhou Mi promised. “Kui Xian…”
The kiss didn’t hurt him, but the words Zhou Mi clearly wanted to say, but couldn’t for whatever reason, did. Because of Eeteuk, or because he had to go?
“Go,” he said, pushing at Zhou Mi’s chin. “I won’t leave before you get back.”
Zhou Mi grinned, kissing him again as Eeteuk cleared his throat.
Figured that Zhou Mi would be the one to get distracted, not that he really minded.
Though as Zhou Mi left and Eeteuk tried to get himself organized, a thought started to circulate inside him. Something that wasn't right. Something that nagged at the back of his head.
"Why does Zhou Mi need to talk to the police?"
Eeteuk stared at him a moment. "Oh, because he had to leave his gun with them to get into the ambulance with you."
For some reason that had started to almost feel like part of his dream. But apparently not.
"Zhou Mi has a gun? And you knew?"
"I knew Zhou Mi had a gun," Eeteuk said, seeming to choose his words with care.
"Why would he? I don't get it. Eeteuk, what did you--"
"He was trained to use weapons, I guess? I didn’t really get the background on it. Something about his father. I can say it made me rest easier knowing he was with you. But I certainly never expected it to ever come down to him having to protect you."
"Then you…" Kyuhyun let his head rest back, feeling the throbbing in his temples. "Always one step ahead of me. I think I'm getting a fake boyfriend, and you hire me a bodyguard instead."
“No, he wasn't hired to be your bodyguard. He never was trained to guard someone. Gun training, rescue, yes. But there were a lot of other reasons why I chose him out of the other candidates for you."
"Don't try and lie now. You kept all of that off his resume, knowing I would call you on it. You knew." Kyuhyun puffed out a breath. "You hired him because he could keep me safe. Damn it, Eeteuk."
"Did he carry his gun and wave it around at people while he talked and socialized for you? When he kissed you? Did his gun make you start caring for him? Him knowing how to use a gun was never the most important part of his job, not ever. His brain was. Saying he was hired to be your boyfriend because he can shoot would be like you saying you hired me to be your assistant because I could lick my elbow."
“You got it right. It was pretend. And there’s no point in continuing a relationship started on a lie.”
***
Zhou Mi all but raced to the police officer waiting for him. A few questions to answer, forms to sign. His gun was legal, and as it stood he wasn’t exactly in any trouble. All he wanted was that the kidnappers themselves would spill all the information on the board members involved. What had happened to the one who had come to him and Eeteuk, he didn’t know. He’d find out, he assumed. All he really wanted was to get back to Kyuhyun. He wasn’t going to feel steady again until he was holding Kyuhyun’s hand.
He had a coffee for Eeteuk, and water for himself when he stopped as Kyuhyun’s voice rang into the hallway.
“If you hired him for that, then what else? What else did you fucking pay him for?”
“Nothing! You know exactly why he was hired. I told you everything.”
“I knew all along he was too good to be true.”
“You know that’s not right. Was I the only one in this room? He nearly worried himself to death for you. He really cares for you!”
“Maybe you paid him to do that, too. You know the one thing I can’t stand is when people lie to me. I don’t care why. Just go, I need to be alone.”
Zhou Mi let his head fall back against the wall with a soft thud at those words. He waited until Eeteuk came out of the room, looking rather grim and frustrated. He didn’t seem surprised to see Zhou Mi there, but didn’t even have so much as a good-luck smile for Zhou Mi. How much luck should he expect?
He stepped into the room after blowing out a breath, seeing Kyuhyun sitting up in bed, his knees up, forearms resting on them. And the bandages around his wrist, on his face. If anything, he looked even darker than the man who had just left. And to know that made Zhou Mi feel even worse. That Kyuhyun would see him as part of a deception was the last thing he wanted.
“Kyuhyun?”
“What else did he hire you to do without telling me? Masseuse? Chauffeur? I hope he paid you extra.”
“It wasn’t like that. You know it wasn’t-”
“Your job is over, so just go.”
Zhou Mi shook his head, taking an uncertain step forward. “I was hired to pretend to be your boyfriend and lover, just like you were told. I wasn’t paid for anything else. I wasn’t paid to sleep with you, or care…”
“Did he offer to pay you to find me?”
Kyuhyun’s voice was so full of bitterness.
“No.” And the thought of it horrified him. “Even if he had, I wouldn’t have taken it. There is no price on your safety!”
“How lucky I am, that you give all your time to charity. Get out.”
“Kui Xian-”
“Get out, or I’ll call security and have you thrown out,” Kyuhyun barked. “I didn’t want you to begin with. You’re fired, for whatever it was you were hired to do. You know where your money came from, so get your last check and go. I don’t want to see you again.”
He was sure he stood there in shock, not sure what to do, for too long. Did he go? Did he fight? Did he give Kyuhyun time to calm down, try and get his thoughts together? Or would that just give Kyuhyun too much time to build a wall against him? Right now, maybe there were cracks. Maybe it was something he could break through, like before when he had made Kyuhyun listen. It had all gone wrong too quickly. He’d been gone no more than twenty minutes, and the man who had pressed his face against Zhou Mi’s and had been drinking up his presence was cold as stone.
“Kyuhyun, please listen to me.”
The phone was in Kyuhyun’s hand in an instant, dialing. “Yes, I need someone removed from my room,” he said.
As Kyuhyun hung up, Zhou Mi tried one last time. “Kyuhyun, I’m here for you, not for some job. You know this isn’t right. There is more between us than this.” Nothing. No response. He heard the elevator ding and heavy steps down the hall. “Kyuhyun, if you need anything, have Eeteuk call me. Please. Kyuhyun, please.”
All he wanted some acknowledgment, for those dark eyes to rise to his, give him some idea of what he was thinking. But no. Kyuhyun wouldn’t look up, so the last thing he saw was bandages and a posture that spoke of impenetrable defense. He went with security willingly, thanking them even. Sitting on the curb and holding his head. Wondering what he was going to do.
***
But Zhou Mi didn’t see that as his back turned for the final time, disappearing from Kyuhyun’s sight, trembling hands rose, fingers spreading across his face as though it would block reality from his horrified eyes. He’d sent Zhou Mi away, and why? For pride? The doctors said his wounds would not scar, but there were places in himself that were so raw. He wanted Zhou Mi in his bed, holding him, listening to him, reassuring him. The Zhou Mi who had come into the room he’d been kept in had been like fury, assured, like some demon come to save him. The harsh reality of the gun. And the soft reality of Zhou Mi’s hand against his face, saying his name with such relief. That was the Zhou Mi he wanted, and he’d sent him away. What had he done? The sound of his plastic water cup crashing onto the floor was dull and unsatisfying.
What had he done?
***
Kyuhyun woke an hour later, wondering for a split second where Zhou Mi was. He closed his eyes, feeling possessed. He was not the richest man in the world, he could not buy anything he wanted, but almost. Almost. But he apparently could not have what he wanted most. Denied to him like a coat in a snowstorm, held just out of reach. He ordered the nurse to find Eeteuk, the doctor, any person with a rinky dink degree who could sign him out of that place.
Eeteuk was still there, as Kyuhyun knew he would be, arguing against Kyuhyun leaving vehemently.
“You need to rest, Kyuhyun. You were drugged, and hit and injured. The conference is going to get along if you take a day or two away.”
“No, I need to work,” Kyuhyun spat, thrusting his legs into the pants he’d come to the hospital in. “I can’t sit in here in this bed. I’ll go crazy. Go to the house, get me some clothes. Take half the day if you need to recharge. I can’t fire you right now. You’re too important for all of this.”
“You sent Zhou Mi away?” Eeteuk asked, sounding rather shocked.
“If you value your job, don’t speak to me about him,” Kyuhyun said, the danger in his words slightly mitigated by his hiss as the nurse removed his IV. “You know why I don’t want him near me. If you see him at the house, make sure he knows to get all of his crap out by the end of today.”
“As your friend, you’re making a big mistake,” Eeteuk told him. “I will tell him, but you know you should take some time to think about it. It’s not too late.”
“It is too late. You made it too late,” Kyuhyun barked, feeling his patience unravel. He buttoned his shirt sloppily, missing at least one. “If you don’t get me clothes, I’ll attend the conference dressed like this.”
“There’s a change of clothes in your office closet,” Eeteuk said stiffly.
“Fine. Then I expect to see you in office by noon. If I don’t, then I’ll assume you quit. Just give me the damn papers.”
He took the forms from the exasperated nurse, signing his agreement wherever it was pointed out to him. He had to get out, get working. If he had to, he’d nap during the day in his office. There was coffee, food. He just couldn’t be there any more. And calculating the time difference, he called his parents. They already knew, via Eeteuk, that he was fine, but wanted to talk to them himself. It wouldn’t make anything better, no matter how much he wished it would.
***
Zhou Mi checked in with his agency, and arranged for time off. He wasn’t one of those people who wanted to jump into work. What he really needed was time to figure things out. If there was one thing he was sure of, he and Kyuhyun weren’t through. Even if they had it out in an argument, they were going to break up for real. Not some ridiculous firing over something he hadn’t even been hired to do. Even if he’d been dumb as a post, and trembled when he saw a gun, he’d have looked out for Kyuhyun. It was common sense, and it protected them both.
The packing had been hard, though. He’d been to it, and on his way to the waiting taxi when Eeteuk arrived. They’d barely waved at each other. He didn’t even know what to say to Eeteuk, what to ask. He figured it would come to him over time. But standing in their bedroom, taking his things from the dresser Kyuhyun had put there for him. Seeing the table Zhou Mi had dragged in.
And in the closet, the beautiful closet, he had separated his own clothes from the ones that Kyuhyun and Eeteuk had ordered for him. He didn’t need them. And he was determined to take nothing that Kyuhyun had bought. The money he’d been paid, that was different. He’d done his job. Everything else was personal. Everything but one thing, and he slid the small box into his jacket pocket, feeling shame at the way he wouldn’t let it go. Dragging his books and things from the library. Removing himself, like he’d never been there.
To go “home” to the same little rented apartment room. Setting up a tiny TV, and watching and reading news of the conference at Kyuhyun’s company. He read, he walked outside as the weather permitted. He tried to figure out what he was doing with himself, what he was doing about Kyuhyun. He couldn’t wait too long. He couldn’t wait until Kyuhyun thought he didn’t care. But it was hard, because he had pride as a man, too. And he’d been called a liar and a cheat, to his face. And that burned in him. He spent too much time in his own head imagining things that he could have said when Kyuhyun had accused and dismissed him, wavering between anger and pleading need.
One of the last people he expected when he heard knocking on the door was Eeteuk. Eeteuk, who had a box in his arms.
He stepped back, letting Eeteuk in because there really wasn’t any option besides getting run over.
“Wow, Kyuhyun really wasn’t kidding when he came to get you back then. This room really is smaller than his closet.”
He straightened his boxers, tugging at his t-shirt as Eeteuk set the box he was holding down.
“Um. Why are you here?”
“You had clothes still in Kyuhyun’s closet. I have another box down in the car. I thought I’d bring it to you.”
Zhou Mi stared at the box like it was going to explode.
“I didn’t buy those clothes. Those were just to go around with, uh, Kyuhyun in. So, I don’t really need them?”
“Yeah, but they were altered for you, and meant for you to keep. Kyuhyun certainly wouldn’t use them.”
That was a slap in the face, even though he knew why. The clothes were tailored to his frame, not Kyuhyun’s. Some of the clothes could be used, but why? Kyuhyun had plenty of clothes himself without wearing the castoffs of someone else. And it meant those moments of imagining Kyuhyun walking into his closet, seeing the clothes that had been bought for Zhou Mi, and having an epiphany were over.
“He hasn’t gone home from work in days, Zhou Mi,” Eeteuk said, leaning back against the door as if daring Zhou Mi to kick him out. “He sleeps on his office couch, has me bring him clothes. Actually. You don’t look so hot yourself.”
Eeteuk had known what Zhou Mi had been, and Kyuhyun had lectured him. But he hadn’t fired Eeteuk, Zhou Mi thought bitterly. Maybe he hadn’t told Kyuhyun that he knew how to use a gun, but it hadn’t ever come up. He wasn’t Indiana Jones or something. Security, guarding people, that wasn’t his job description. He had never felt that he had hidden truths from Kyuhyun. The simple fact was, he hadn’t been hired to be a guard. He hadn’t carried a gun. He wasn’t made of magic, couldn’t be a shield. He’d wondered over and over why he hadn’t just taken the gun case out one night and told Kyuhyun a story, of what he had done, what he had been taught, and what he wanted. It wasn’t anything to do with guns, and if Kyuhyun had known that, then they could have avoided all of it, every misunderstanding. He didn’t think he’d consciously held it back, but maybe he’d been trying to protect Kyuhyun in a different way, one he really still didn’t understand.
“Kyuhyun overreacted,” Eeteuk told him. “I think he knows that.”
“Really?” That came out harsher than he intended. “It seems like he doesn’t care if he did or not, since he wants all my things out of his house.”
“So you’ll let him wallow in his guilt, make him think he screwed up your relationship for good?”
“He wants to hire me back?”
Eeteuk slapped himself on the forehead. “Ugh, you’re both idiots. No, he doesn’t want to hire you.”
“I never got a chance to ask him what he wanted. If having me around without paying me was something he even wanted. With the contract over, he gets out of that.”
“Yeah.” Eeteuk sat, putting a hand on Zhou Mi’s knee. “He gets to sit in an office that the longer he stays there alone, sucks up his soul. You get that? He wasn’t the same man I started to work for when you met him, because there was only so much I could do for him. He was pretending to be Cho Kyuhyun as long as that got him through the day. I don’t even think he knew how to be that any more. How many times did he laugh with you?”
“We had fun,” Zhou Mi admitted. But it seemed like Eeteuk had something else, something he was waiting to get to. “Why did you really come here? You wouldn’t have showed up without a plan, would you?”
Eeteuk beamed at him. “And that is exactly something Kyuhyun would say. See? You’re perfect!”
***
Perfect, Eeteuk said. Kyuhyun had time set aside to interview for a couple of positions. It meant that Zhou Mi, even if he wasn’t interviewing, had a reason to go in the door. Kind of a twofold reason. A company one, and a personal one. He wasn’t sure about the fact that Eeteuk wanted him to ask Kyuhyun about a job, but if it got him in the door, then that was what he was going to do. And all his anger had gone. He had more fear mingled inside of hope. Not only what Kyuhyun’s reaction to seeing him would be, but his own. He thought he’d be able to keep himself together. Really, because he wanted so badly, he had to find that strength inside of himself. He couldn’t just go charging in there and wrestle with Kyuhyun on the floor until he’d listen. As appealing as that sounded. So he stood, and breathed, and waited until Eeteuk opened the door to Kyuhyun’s office.
“Your next interview,” Eeteuk said, stepping back to let Zhou Mi enter.
He stepped into the room with his resume in his hand. Kyuhyun, at his desk. His suit was impeccable, hair neat. It looked as though Kyuhyun’s face had healed nicely, though he couldn’t see Kyuhyun’s wrists. He just begged him silently to end this waiting game between them. Kyuhyun waited a moment before looking up as the door closed behind Eeteuk. Zhou Mi didn’t look back even to thank Eeteuk. He couldn’t take his eyes from the man in front of him.
Kyuhyun stared, processing, not saying anything, or even blinking, and it made a trickle of sweat slide down Zhou Mi’s back.
“You don’t have a high enough degree in business, nor the experience required, unless that’s something else you were hiding,” Kyuhyun said matter-of-factly. “I’m afraid we can’t use you. Thanks for your time.”
Measured, cool words from Kyuhyun’s mouth. Looking back to his papers in dismissal. Zhou Mi stepped forward again, waiting until Kyuhyun looked back up at him when it was clear he wasn’t leaving.
“No, I am not here to apply to work under you. I want to know about this job.”
Kyuhyun took the folder with a raised eyebrow, flipping through it.
“Human resources? I don’t oversee the hiring for that department.”
“I know,” Zhou Mi said. “I’m not here to ask you to hire me, I’m here to ask you if it’s okay if I apply to that department.”
“Why human resources?”
“I’m pretty good with people.”
Kyuhyun snorted. “Why should I care how much of my money lines your pockets? It’s not like I’d have to see you. Go, if they’ll have you. You don’t need my permission.”
“Kyuhyun-”
“Have a nice day.”
It was ridiculously polite, especially considering what they had been to each other. And it had been more than the job, and more than the sex, even as good as that had been. It had been too long since he had so much as touched another person, far too long since he had touched Kyuhyun.
For once he was glad he was tall, none of the taunts he had endured when he had kept on growing touching him as he took one long step, reached across the corner of the desk for Kyuhyun’s chin, and pulled him into a kiss. It was hard, unforgiving, but it was also contact between him and Kyuhyun. Even if Kyuhyun was frozen against him, not kissing back.
He saw up close the darkness under Kyuhyun’s eyes, and he brushed it with his fingers, tracing Kyuhyun’s cheek. Not even daring to try to kiss him again.
“Kyuhyun, you look exhausted.”
“Then you should leave so I can finish working.”
Kyuhyun’s eyes slid away, moving back to his desk, away from Zhou Mi. Closing down again. It wasn’t like he imagined, and then again it kind of was. He had hoped for more, anything more. A smile, even? Or would that have been even more painful. If Kyuhyun could show that to him with an unfeeling face, then he didn’t know what he could do.
Still, he had one thing left. He lifted Kyuhyun’s hand and set a box in it. The box that held the cufflinks that he had received from Kyuhyun himself.
“The only thing I took from your house that I didn’t take in to it myself was this,” he said, making sure Kyuhyun’s fingers curled around it. “They were the one thing you chose for me, gave me. Because they were from you.”
Even as he stood straight, turned, he was cursing himself. A thousand ways he could’ve said more, said it better. A thousand ways he could’ve forced Kyuhyun to listen to him. He made it two steps away, mind racing about what he could say, how he could open the door.
“Wait.”
Kyuhyun seemed torn, frozen in his chair, a hand braced on his desk as though he wanted to stand, and unsure how to. There was some kind of war going on behind his eyes, in the drawn eyebrows. A sound escaped Kyuhyun’s throat. It seemed even words failed him. Zhou Mi understood that. He pulled off a sticky note from Kyuhyun’s desk, taking a pen from the holder and painstakingly writing out the name a restaurant, an address. And a time. 6:00PM.
“I’ll be here tonight,” Zhou Mi said. “If you want to- If you want.”
He pressed the note beside Kyuhyun’s hand and took back the folder he had handed Kyuhyun. His head was buzzing, legs jelly. Oddly elated and crushed at the same time. Maybe it had not gone incredibly well, but Kyuhyun, for whatever reason, had responded. And he was giving Kyuhyun hours to figure out in just what way he wanted to react. If he went to the restaurant, maybe then Zhou Mi would allow himself to hope. Until then, he left wet stains on the dark folder from his fingers, going to his apartment to change into more casual clothes. Swearing he wasn’t gong to show up hours early at the restaurant. He’d just walk around, do some window shopping. Try not to obsess.
He still went to the restaurant an hour early. Sitting, ordering something to eat in hopes it would calm his stomach. Of course, the way he picked at it, it really didn’t. He sent it away, sipping at tea, ice water. Anything to keep himself occupied. He should’ve brought a book. He was an idiot. All he had was his phone to listen to music on, and that only did so much.
By 5:45 he was having to remind himself to breathe, clenching one hand with the other, back and forth, muttering things to himself, torn between hope and belief, and pessimism. He let his head fall back, jerking it upright again, feet scraping on the floor, knees bouncing.
By 5:50 he thought he was dying, that his brain was just going to melt down his spinal cord and that would be the end. Mopping up the water that gathered beneath his glass, moving the glass here, there. Staring at the door intensely, and jumping as people came in. He was sweating profusely, and wondered for a moment if he could just break down and cry.
It was seconds past 5:55 that he looked up, and watched Kyuhyun walk in.
***
The waitress was there seconds after Kyuhyun sat down, postponing any conversation. It took him only a second to decide what he wanted, telling her and handing back the menu with a half smile. And Zhou Mi, he felt like his mouth was made of sawdust, almost clinking his water glass on his teeth as he tried to divine Kyuhyun’s mood. Was it an end? Or a beginning?
“Eeteuk went to see you?” Kyuhyun asked, toying with his own glass. “Took you the clothes?”
“Yes,” Zhou Mi said. There obviously wasn’t any point in trying to deny it. “I was surprised to see him.”
“You shouldn’t have been. I told you those clothes were yours.”
“I know, but-”
“These aren’t mine, either,” Kyuhyun said, sliding the box of cufflinks across the table with a flick of his hand.
Zhou Mi shook his head, trying to hold strong, sliding them right back over, more carefully. “No, I can’t take them.”
The sounds of the restaurant did not stop, but it seemed the flow of blood in his body did, as Kyuhyun’s hand covered his over the box.
“They aren’t mine,” Kyuhyun repeated.
He frowned but did pull the box back toward himself, finger tracing the soft material that covered it and wondering what that meant. Was that a “thanks I appreciate the gesture of you returning them, but I want nothing that reminds me of you” reaction? If that was the case, Kyuhyun could’ve just sent them through Eeteuk, just like he had the other things.
“You should check them,” Kyuhyun suggested, making a sound of pleasure as his food and tea was set down.
So he could see them again? Kyuhyun was making no sense at all. He flipped open the top of the box, and felt his face widen in surprise, and then confusion. The cufflinks that Kyuhyun had given him were there, of course, but beside them was a brand new pair. Obvious, from the store tag still on them. Just transplanted into a different box. And instead of square, with diamonds, they were oval, with a shining red stone stripe running lengthwise across them. They were beautiful, of course, really beyond beautiful. And his mind went a thousand different ways on what they could mean, why Kyuhyun had clearly suggested he look at them.
“What is this?” he asked softly, looking up to see Kyuhyun digging into his noodles. A pair of chopsticks were waved at him.
“I’m starving, okay? Can we talk later?”
He shut his mouth, watching as Kyuhyun dug into his meal with gusto. His stomach whined a little at the sight, and he got the waitress to bring him a little something more to eat.
“You look like you lost weight,” Kyuhyun accused, tilting his head to stare at Zhou Mi’s wrists. “You lose a pound and you look like you’ve been starved. Don’t you buy food?”
“You’ve lost weight, too!”
“You can only tell because Eeteuk told you. I know better than that. I can smell his schemes from a mile away.” Kyuhyun shook his head. “I’ve barely had time to eat, getting ready for interviews. Real interviews.”
Not fake ones, like Zhou Mi’s had been. He got that. But it was only a couple of days after the conference had ended, and he hadn’t heard of Kyuhyun wanting to hire before it had started.
“Eeteuk didn’t tell me what you were hiring for?”
“It’s been time for a while to take on a couple of additional vice presidents under me. We’re trying to hire from within the company, someone who knows how it is. It’s become even more important with the board fractured. But I wouldn’t be against stealing someone else’s VP.” Kyuhyun smirked into his bowl. “Eeteuk can bully them some more then and make their lives hell.”
“So you’ll be able to take it easier?”
“Sort of. I’ll be able to get my hands out of some things that have been sucking up all my time, maybe take a step back and work on some pet projects.”
The edge had gone from Kyuhyun’s voice as they spoke. The soft tones of it losing their defense, as though he were speaking again to a friend and not an enemy. He knew he had told himself he could hope if Kyuhyun had showed up, but it was more complicated than that. He barely dared, even speaking to Kyuhyun like they were doing.
“Sounds like it’s a good step, then. For you and the company.”
“I think so. No, I know it is.”
That determination in those words had him blowing out a breath. Staring into his cup of tea as though he could divine where it all was going. Kyuhyun was so near to finishing eating, and he had no idea what followed that. Kyuhyun said they would talk? But he didn’t know what that entailed. He had a lot of things he wanted to say, and none of them sounded right.
Kyuhyun set down his chopsticks, looking up briefly at Zhou Mi. “I have something to show you, so let’s go.”
Kyuhyun stood up, turning for the door. Waiting beside it as Zhou Mi paid and thanked the waitress profusely. And though he had come by subway, he left in Kyuhyun’s car. The familiar smells of it almost painful, hearing one of Kyuhyun’s favorite CDs start playing. The cufflinks in their box were burning a hole in his bag, and he had to fist his hands on his thighs to keep from reaching to touch them.
If he just closed his eyes, and tried to pretend? No, it still didn’t feel real.
Kyuhyun parked near a line of clothing stores.
“C’mon, hurry up,” Kyuhyun said, as though the stores were still open and they had to rush into one.
He gripped the edge of his bag tight, following a step behind Kyuhyun as they walked halfway down the block, finally slowing in front of a men’s clothing store. The mannequin in the front was dressed in some understated vest, a dark red, black stripes. It looked nice, crisp with the white shirt and dark bow tie. Kyuhyun cleared his throat, gesturing up at it.
“I saw this vest, and thought it’d probably look good on you. You should come back tomorrow, see about getting it sized. It should go pretty nice with those cufflinks. There’s some movie premier Eeteuk tells me I have to go to.”
Kyuhyun paused, and Zhou Mi was sure his brain paused with him, as Kyuhyun turned and took a couple steps away. But his head turned, not quite meeting Zhou Mi’s eyes. “It’s up to you if you want to go with me, but I’m not paying you a cent if you do.”
The challenge was evident then. Zhou Mi could go with Kyuhyun to the premier for free, or not go at all. Which made it… A date?
“A date?” he echoed himself, not even trying to school his face.
“Number two, I’d think, though you seemed pretty miffed that I was hungry tonight. If you don’t want me to eat, you shouldn’t make dates at restaurants. Hey, it’s getting dark, so-”
Zhou Mi reached, drawing Kyuhyun in with unsteady hands, gasping as Kyuhyun’s arms locked around his torso. Holding him close, as close as Zhou Mi was holding him back, smelling his hair, his skin. Feeling the solid warmth of him from shoulder to knee.
“Kui Xian.”
“You left your clothes, you bastard.”
Zhou Mi shook his head, squeezing Kyuhyun tighter. “No, I left more than that.”
His hands roamed Kyuhyun’s back, making them arch together, and he kissed Kyuhyun’s neck. Not to arouse him, not on purpose. But because it seemed to calm them both. He could feel the tension in Kyuhyun start to ease, and his own trembles, too. And though he realized they were clinging to each other in the middle of a deserted sidewalk, he didn’t really care. Not when Kyuhyun was breathing into his collar, and holding him.
“I missed you,” he breathed, pressing his face closer to Kyuhyun. “There’s so much I want to talk to you about.”
He could hear Kyuhyun’s hard swallow.
“Where are you staying?” Kyuhyun asked.
“The same… The place you picked me up from when I moved in.”
Kyuhyun chuckled. “You couldn’t have picked someplace nicer?”
“It was comfortable!”
“Let’s go then,” Kyuhyun said, letting go slowly and letting them both get their equilibrium. “I’ll take you there.”
Take him there, and then what? Zhou Mi wondered. Leave him? Make plans? As long as Kyuhyun didn’t leave before things were resolved, he’d be fine. They could date, make a guarantee to call.
He kept a hand on Kyuhyun’s thigh as Kyuhyun navigated the car. He didn’t dare let go. Not then, not when he was so close to having everything that he wanted back. He gave a few directions, but let Kyuhyun take it from there.
“Where do I park so I won’t get towed before morning?” Kyuhyun asked.
He was staying the night. Zhou Mi’s whole body buzzed with the joy of it. “Around over there, you should be fine.”
It seemed like it’d been a long time since he’d climbed those stairs with Kyuhyun beside him. But it’d been for a different sort of beginning back then. Just barely getting to know each other. And now, getting to know each other again.
Author: Coley Merrin
Rating: R
Pairing: Zhou Mi/Kyuhyun
Genre: AU, Romance
Summary: To find a date that Kyuhyun can stomach is impossible - unless they hire one to pretend. But not even the perfect companion can stop years worth of threats, or keep their acting from becoming all too real.
***
Chapter One * Chapter Two * Chapter Three * Chapter Four * Chapter Five * Chapter Six * Chapter Seven * Chapter Eight * Chapter Nine * Chapter Ten * Chapter Eleven * Chapter Twelve
***
The only thing he’d demanded upon arriving at the hospital was a drink of water. Forget the IVs, creams, bandages, tests. Whatever. Take half of his blood for all he cared, as long as his mouth got wet. And as they got him settled in a room, Zhou Mi finally got let back in after being jostled about and kicked out at least twice because too many people were around. And he sighed, Zhou Mi taking his hand so carefully, kissing his now pristine fingers. Zhou Mi looked behind him like a nurse would come in to slap him, edging up onto the bed so that he could sit there, staring at Kyuhyun’s face.
He felt less and less tired. Maybe because the drugs had gotten him in his napping early, but now that he was able to see out of both eyes, he saw truly how tired Zhou Mi looked.
“Water?” he rumbled, and Zhou Mi held the cup for him so that he could slurp half of it through the straw. He didn’t think he’d ever drink enough to get the nasty, dry taste out of his mouth. Though as he sank back, Zhou Mi was kissing his cheek, careful to avoid the raw edges of his mouth, kissing toward his ear, petting his neck.
“Kyuhyun?” Zhou Mi whispered.
“Hmm?” he asked, leaning his cheek against Zhou Mi’s.
“I’m so glad you’re okay.”
He got his hand up, petting down the back of Zhou Mi’s hair, his neck. Hoping the ragged breaths he heard weren’t what he thought.
“You’d better not be crying,” he warned, pinching Zhou Mi’s shoulder.
Zhou Mi laughed, pulling back. No, he wasn’t crying. He was smiling. “No, I’m not Kui Xian. I want to-”
“Okay, all the paper work is finally in order,” Eeteuk said, his voice that of the put-upon.
“I want to leave,” Kyuhyun called, waggling Zhou Mi’s ear lobe between his fingers.
“If you want checked out, then you’re going to have to prove you’re not alone. You don’t have a concussion, so…”
“Just tell them whatever you need. I want out of here. I have stuff to do.”
“Do you think you should rest a while?” Zhou Mi said, nudging his chin toward him so that Kyuhyun had to look.
“I’ve been forced to rest all night long,” he pointed out.
“Oh. Zhou Mi, that reminds me. There’s an officer downstairs who needed a few signatures from you because of…? I told him I’d send you down. Could you get me coffee, too?”
Zhou Mi grimaced, petting Kyuhyun’s face again. He didn’t know if he liked that expression particularly.
“I’ll be right back up,” Zhou Mi promised. “Kui Xian…”
The kiss didn’t hurt him, but the words Zhou Mi clearly wanted to say, but couldn’t for whatever reason, did. Because of Eeteuk, or because he had to go?
“Go,” he said, pushing at Zhou Mi’s chin. “I won’t leave before you get back.”
Zhou Mi grinned, kissing him again as Eeteuk cleared his throat.
Figured that Zhou Mi would be the one to get distracted, not that he really minded.
Though as Zhou Mi left and Eeteuk tried to get himself organized, a thought started to circulate inside him. Something that wasn't right. Something that nagged at the back of his head.
"Why does Zhou Mi need to talk to the police?"
Eeteuk stared at him a moment. "Oh, because he had to leave his gun with them to get into the ambulance with you."
For some reason that had started to almost feel like part of his dream. But apparently not.
"Zhou Mi has a gun? And you knew?"
"I knew Zhou Mi had a gun," Eeteuk said, seeming to choose his words with care.
"Why would he? I don't get it. Eeteuk, what did you--"
"He was trained to use weapons, I guess? I didn’t really get the background on it. Something about his father. I can say it made me rest easier knowing he was with you. But I certainly never expected it to ever come down to him having to protect you."
"Then you…" Kyuhyun let his head rest back, feeling the throbbing in his temples. "Always one step ahead of me. I think I'm getting a fake boyfriend, and you hire me a bodyguard instead."
“No, he wasn't hired to be your bodyguard. He never was trained to guard someone. Gun training, rescue, yes. But there were a lot of other reasons why I chose him out of the other candidates for you."
"Don't try and lie now. You kept all of that off his resume, knowing I would call you on it. You knew." Kyuhyun puffed out a breath. "You hired him because he could keep me safe. Damn it, Eeteuk."
"Did he carry his gun and wave it around at people while he talked and socialized for you? When he kissed you? Did his gun make you start caring for him? Him knowing how to use a gun was never the most important part of his job, not ever. His brain was. Saying he was hired to be your boyfriend because he can shoot would be like you saying you hired me to be your assistant because I could lick my elbow."
“You got it right. It was pretend. And there’s no point in continuing a relationship started on a lie.”
***
Zhou Mi all but raced to the police officer waiting for him. A few questions to answer, forms to sign. His gun was legal, and as it stood he wasn’t exactly in any trouble. All he wanted was that the kidnappers themselves would spill all the information on the board members involved. What had happened to the one who had come to him and Eeteuk, he didn’t know. He’d find out, he assumed. All he really wanted was to get back to Kyuhyun. He wasn’t going to feel steady again until he was holding Kyuhyun’s hand.
He had a coffee for Eeteuk, and water for himself when he stopped as Kyuhyun’s voice rang into the hallway.
“If you hired him for that, then what else? What else did you fucking pay him for?”
“Nothing! You know exactly why he was hired. I told you everything.”
“I knew all along he was too good to be true.”
“You know that’s not right. Was I the only one in this room? He nearly worried himself to death for you. He really cares for you!”
“Maybe you paid him to do that, too. You know the one thing I can’t stand is when people lie to me. I don’t care why. Just go, I need to be alone.”
Zhou Mi let his head fall back against the wall with a soft thud at those words. He waited until Eeteuk came out of the room, looking rather grim and frustrated. He didn’t seem surprised to see Zhou Mi there, but didn’t even have so much as a good-luck smile for Zhou Mi. How much luck should he expect?
He stepped into the room after blowing out a breath, seeing Kyuhyun sitting up in bed, his knees up, forearms resting on them. And the bandages around his wrist, on his face. If anything, he looked even darker than the man who had just left. And to know that made Zhou Mi feel even worse. That Kyuhyun would see him as part of a deception was the last thing he wanted.
“Kyuhyun?”
“What else did he hire you to do without telling me? Masseuse? Chauffeur? I hope he paid you extra.”
“It wasn’t like that. You know it wasn’t-”
“Your job is over, so just go.”
Zhou Mi shook his head, taking an uncertain step forward. “I was hired to pretend to be your boyfriend and lover, just like you were told. I wasn’t paid for anything else. I wasn’t paid to sleep with you, or care…”
“Did he offer to pay you to find me?”
Kyuhyun’s voice was so full of bitterness.
“No.” And the thought of it horrified him. “Even if he had, I wouldn’t have taken it. There is no price on your safety!”
“How lucky I am, that you give all your time to charity. Get out.”
“Kui Xian-”
“Get out, or I’ll call security and have you thrown out,” Kyuhyun barked. “I didn’t want you to begin with. You’re fired, for whatever it was you were hired to do. You know where your money came from, so get your last check and go. I don’t want to see you again.”
He was sure he stood there in shock, not sure what to do, for too long. Did he go? Did he fight? Did he give Kyuhyun time to calm down, try and get his thoughts together? Or would that just give Kyuhyun too much time to build a wall against him? Right now, maybe there were cracks. Maybe it was something he could break through, like before when he had made Kyuhyun listen. It had all gone wrong too quickly. He’d been gone no more than twenty minutes, and the man who had pressed his face against Zhou Mi’s and had been drinking up his presence was cold as stone.
“Kyuhyun, please listen to me.”
The phone was in Kyuhyun’s hand in an instant, dialing. “Yes, I need someone removed from my room,” he said.
As Kyuhyun hung up, Zhou Mi tried one last time. “Kyuhyun, I’m here for you, not for some job. You know this isn’t right. There is more between us than this.” Nothing. No response. He heard the elevator ding and heavy steps down the hall. “Kyuhyun, if you need anything, have Eeteuk call me. Please. Kyuhyun, please.”
All he wanted some acknowledgment, for those dark eyes to rise to his, give him some idea of what he was thinking. But no. Kyuhyun wouldn’t look up, so the last thing he saw was bandages and a posture that spoke of impenetrable defense. He went with security willingly, thanking them even. Sitting on the curb and holding his head. Wondering what he was going to do.
***
But Zhou Mi didn’t see that as his back turned for the final time, disappearing from Kyuhyun’s sight, trembling hands rose, fingers spreading across his face as though it would block reality from his horrified eyes. He’d sent Zhou Mi away, and why? For pride? The doctors said his wounds would not scar, but there were places in himself that were so raw. He wanted Zhou Mi in his bed, holding him, listening to him, reassuring him. The Zhou Mi who had come into the room he’d been kept in had been like fury, assured, like some demon come to save him. The harsh reality of the gun. And the soft reality of Zhou Mi’s hand against his face, saying his name with such relief. That was the Zhou Mi he wanted, and he’d sent him away. What had he done? The sound of his plastic water cup crashing onto the floor was dull and unsatisfying.
What had he done?
***
Kyuhyun woke an hour later, wondering for a split second where Zhou Mi was. He closed his eyes, feeling possessed. He was not the richest man in the world, he could not buy anything he wanted, but almost. Almost. But he apparently could not have what he wanted most. Denied to him like a coat in a snowstorm, held just out of reach. He ordered the nurse to find Eeteuk, the doctor, any person with a rinky dink degree who could sign him out of that place.
Eeteuk was still there, as Kyuhyun knew he would be, arguing against Kyuhyun leaving vehemently.
“You need to rest, Kyuhyun. You were drugged, and hit and injured. The conference is going to get along if you take a day or two away.”
“No, I need to work,” Kyuhyun spat, thrusting his legs into the pants he’d come to the hospital in. “I can’t sit in here in this bed. I’ll go crazy. Go to the house, get me some clothes. Take half the day if you need to recharge. I can’t fire you right now. You’re too important for all of this.”
“You sent Zhou Mi away?” Eeteuk asked, sounding rather shocked.
“If you value your job, don’t speak to me about him,” Kyuhyun said, the danger in his words slightly mitigated by his hiss as the nurse removed his IV. “You know why I don’t want him near me. If you see him at the house, make sure he knows to get all of his crap out by the end of today.”
“As your friend, you’re making a big mistake,” Eeteuk told him. “I will tell him, but you know you should take some time to think about it. It’s not too late.”
“It is too late. You made it too late,” Kyuhyun barked, feeling his patience unravel. He buttoned his shirt sloppily, missing at least one. “If you don’t get me clothes, I’ll attend the conference dressed like this.”
“There’s a change of clothes in your office closet,” Eeteuk said stiffly.
“Fine. Then I expect to see you in office by noon. If I don’t, then I’ll assume you quit. Just give me the damn papers.”
He took the forms from the exasperated nurse, signing his agreement wherever it was pointed out to him. He had to get out, get working. If he had to, he’d nap during the day in his office. There was coffee, food. He just couldn’t be there any more. And calculating the time difference, he called his parents. They already knew, via Eeteuk, that he was fine, but wanted to talk to them himself. It wouldn’t make anything better, no matter how much he wished it would.
***
Zhou Mi checked in with his agency, and arranged for time off. He wasn’t one of those people who wanted to jump into work. What he really needed was time to figure things out. If there was one thing he was sure of, he and Kyuhyun weren’t through. Even if they had it out in an argument, they were going to break up for real. Not some ridiculous firing over something he hadn’t even been hired to do. Even if he’d been dumb as a post, and trembled when he saw a gun, he’d have looked out for Kyuhyun. It was common sense, and it protected them both.
The packing had been hard, though. He’d been to it, and on his way to the waiting taxi when Eeteuk arrived. They’d barely waved at each other. He didn’t even know what to say to Eeteuk, what to ask. He figured it would come to him over time. But standing in their bedroom, taking his things from the dresser Kyuhyun had put there for him. Seeing the table Zhou Mi had dragged in.
And in the closet, the beautiful closet, he had separated his own clothes from the ones that Kyuhyun and Eeteuk had ordered for him. He didn’t need them. And he was determined to take nothing that Kyuhyun had bought. The money he’d been paid, that was different. He’d done his job. Everything else was personal. Everything but one thing, and he slid the small box into his jacket pocket, feeling shame at the way he wouldn’t let it go. Dragging his books and things from the library. Removing himself, like he’d never been there.
To go “home” to the same little rented apartment room. Setting up a tiny TV, and watching and reading news of the conference at Kyuhyun’s company. He read, he walked outside as the weather permitted. He tried to figure out what he was doing with himself, what he was doing about Kyuhyun. He couldn’t wait too long. He couldn’t wait until Kyuhyun thought he didn’t care. But it was hard, because he had pride as a man, too. And he’d been called a liar and a cheat, to his face. And that burned in him. He spent too much time in his own head imagining things that he could have said when Kyuhyun had accused and dismissed him, wavering between anger and pleading need.
One of the last people he expected when he heard knocking on the door was Eeteuk. Eeteuk, who had a box in his arms.
He stepped back, letting Eeteuk in because there really wasn’t any option besides getting run over.
“Wow, Kyuhyun really wasn’t kidding when he came to get you back then. This room really is smaller than his closet.”
He straightened his boxers, tugging at his t-shirt as Eeteuk set the box he was holding down.
“Um. Why are you here?”
“You had clothes still in Kyuhyun’s closet. I have another box down in the car. I thought I’d bring it to you.”
Zhou Mi stared at the box like it was going to explode.
“I didn’t buy those clothes. Those were just to go around with, uh, Kyuhyun in. So, I don’t really need them?”
“Yeah, but they were altered for you, and meant for you to keep. Kyuhyun certainly wouldn’t use them.”
That was a slap in the face, even though he knew why. The clothes were tailored to his frame, not Kyuhyun’s. Some of the clothes could be used, but why? Kyuhyun had plenty of clothes himself without wearing the castoffs of someone else. And it meant those moments of imagining Kyuhyun walking into his closet, seeing the clothes that had been bought for Zhou Mi, and having an epiphany were over.
“He hasn’t gone home from work in days, Zhou Mi,” Eeteuk said, leaning back against the door as if daring Zhou Mi to kick him out. “He sleeps on his office couch, has me bring him clothes. Actually. You don’t look so hot yourself.”
Eeteuk had known what Zhou Mi had been, and Kyuhyun had lectured him. But he hadn’t fired Eeteuk, Zhou Mi thought bitterly. Maybe he hadn’t told Kyuhyun that he knew how to use a gun, but it hadn’t ever come up. He wasn’t Indiana Jones or something. Security, guarding people, that wasn’t his job description. He had never felt that he had hidden truths from Kyuhyun. The simple fact was, he hadn’t been hired to be a guard. He hadn’t carried a gun. He wasn’t made of magic, couldn’t be a shield. He’d wondered over and over why he hadn’t just taken the gun case out one night and told Kyuhyun a story, of what he had done, what he had been taught, and what he wanted. It wasn’t anything to do with guns, and if Kyuhyun had known that, then they could have avoided all of it, every misunderstanding. He didn’t think he’d consciously held it back, but maybe he’d been trying to protect Kyuhyun in a different way, one he really still didn’t understand.
“Kyuhyun overreacted,” Eeteuk told him. “I think he knows that.”
“Really?” That came out harsher than he intended. “It seems like he doesn’t care if he did or not, since he wants all my things out of his house.”
“So you’ll let him wallow in his guilt, make him think he screwed up your relationship for good?”
“He wants to hire me back?”
Eeteuk slapped himself on the forehead. “Ugh, you’re both idiots. No, he doesn’t want to hire you.”
“I never got a chance to ask him what he wanted. If having me around without paying me was something he even wanted. With the contract over, he gets out of that.”
“Yeah.” Eeteuk sat, putting a hand on Zhou Mi’s knee. “He gets to sit in an office that the longer he stays there alone, sucks up his soul. You get that? He wasn’t the same man I started to work for when you met him, because there was only so much I could do for him. He was pretending to be Cho Kyuhyun as long as that got him through the day. I don’t even think he knew how to be that any more. How many times did he laugh with you?”
“We had fun,” Zhou Mi admitted. But it seemed like Eeteuk had something else, something he was waiting to get to. “Why did you really come here? You wouldn’t have showed up without a plan, would you?”
Eeteuk beamed at him. “And that is exactly something Kyuhyun would say. See? You’re perfect!”
***
Perfect, Eeteuk said. Kyuhyun had time set aside to interview for a couple of positions. It meant that Zhou Mi, even if he wasn’t interviewing, had a reason to go in the door. Kind of a twofold reason. A company one, and a personal one. He wasn’t sure about the fact that Eeteuk wanted him to ask Kyuhyun about a job, but if it got him in the door, then that was what he was going to do. And all his anger had gone. He had more fear mingled inside of hope. Not only what Kyuhyun’s reaction to seeing him would be, but his own. He thought he’d be able to keep himself together. Really, because he wanted so badly, he had to find that strength inside of himself. He couldn’t just go charging in there and wrestle with Kyuhyun on the floor until he’d listen. As appealing as that sounded. So he stood, and breathed, and waited until Eeteuk opened the door to Kyuhyun’s office.
“Your next interview,” Eeteuk said, stepping back to let Zhou Mi enter.
He stepped into the room with his resume in his hand. Kyuhyun, at his desk. His suit was impeccable, hair neat. It looked as though Kyuhyun’s face had healed nicely, though he couldn’t see Kyuhyun’s wrists. He just begged him silently to end this waiting game between them. Kyuhyun waited a moment before looking up as the door closed behind Eeteuk. Zhou Mi didn’t look back even to thank Eeteuk. He couldn’t take his eyes from the man in front of him.
Kyuhyun stared, processing, not saying anything, or even blinking, and it made a trickle of sweat slide down Zhou Mi’s back.
“You don’t have a high enough degree in business, nor the experience required, unless that’s something else you were hiding,” Kyuhyun said matter-of-factly. “I’m afraid we can’t use you. Thanks for your time.”
Measured, cool words from Kyuhyun’s mouth. Looking back to his papers in dismissal. Zhou Mi stepped forward again, waiting until Kyuhyun looked back up at him when it was clear he wasn’t leaving.
“No, I am not here to apply to work under you. I want to know about this job.”
Kyuhyun took the folder with a raised eyebrow, flipping through it.
“Human resources? I don’t oversee the hiring for that department.”
“I know,” Zhou Mi said. “I’m not here to ask you to hire me, I’m here to ask you if it’s okay if I apply to that department.”
“Why human resources?”
“I’m pretty good with people.”
Kyuhyun snorted. “Why should I care how much of my money lines your pockets? It’s not like I’d have to see you. Go, if they’ll have you. You don’t need my permission.”
“Kyuhyun-”
“Have a nice day.”
It was ridiculously polite, especially considering what they had been to each other. And it had been more than the job, and more than the sex, even as good as that had been. It had been too long since he had so much as touched another person, far too long since he had touched Kyuhyun.
For once he was glad he was tall, none of the taunts he had endured when he had kept on growing touching him as he took one long step, reached across the corner of the desk for Kyuhyun’s chin, and pulled him into a kiss. It was hard, unforgiving, but it was also contact between him and Kyuhyun. Even if Kyuhyun was frozen against him, not kissing back.
He saw up close the darkness under Kyuhyun’s eyes, and he brushed it with his fingers, tracing Kyuhyun’s cheek. Not even daring to try to kiss him again.
“Kyuhyun, you look exhausted.”
“Then you should leave so I can finish working.”
Kyuhyun’s eyes slid away, moving back to his desk, away from Zhou Mi. Closing down again. It wasn’t like he imagined, and then again it kind of was. He had hoped for more, anything more. A smile, even? Or would that have been even more painful. If Kyuhyun could show that to him with an unfeeling face, then he didn’t know what he could do.
Still, he had one thing left. He lifted Kyuhyun’s hand and set a box in it. The box that held the cufflinks that he had received from Kyuhyun himself.
“The only thing I took from your house that I didn’t take in to it myself was this,” he said, making sure Kyuhyun’s fingers curled around it. “They were the one thing you chose for me, gave me. Because they were from you.”
Even as he stood straight, turned, he was cursing himself. A thousand ways he could’ve said more, said it better. A thousand ways he could’ve forced Kyuhyun to listen to him. He made it two steps away, mind racing about what he could say, how he could open the door.
“Wait.”
Kyuhyun seemed torn, frozen in his chair, a hand braced on his desk as though he wanted to stand, and unsure how to. There was some kind of war going on behind his eyes, in the drawn eyebrows. A sound escaped Kyuhyun’s throat. It seemed even words failed him. Zhou Mi understood that. He pulled off a sticky note from Kyuhyun’s desk, taking a pen from the holder and painstakingly writing out the name a restaurant, an address. And a time. 6:00PM.
“I’ll be here tonight,” Zhou Mi said. “If you want to- If you want.”
He pressed the note beside Kyuhyun’s hand and took back the folder he had handed Kyuhyun. His head was buzzing, legs jelly. Oddly elated and crushed at the same time. Maybe it had not gone incredibly well, but Kyuhyun, for whatever reason, had responded. And he was giving Kyuhyun hours to figure out in just what way he wanted to react. If he went to the restaurant, maybe then Zhou Mi would allow himself to hope. Until then, he left wet stains on the dark folder from his fingers, going to his apartment to change into more casual clothes. Swearing he wasn’t gong to show up hours early at the restaurant. He’d just walk around, do some window shopping. Try not to obsess.
He still went to the restaurant an hour early. Sitting, ordering something to eat in hopes it would calm his stomach. Of course, the way he picked at it, it really didn’t. He sent it away, sipping at tea, ice water. Anything to keep himself occupied. He should’ve brought a book. He was an idiot. All he had was his phone to listen to music on, and that only did so much.
By 5:45 he was having to remind himself to breathe, clenching one hand with the other, back and forth, muttering things to himself, torn between hope and belief, and pessimism. He let his head fall back, jerking it upright again, feet scraping on the floor, knees bouncing.
By 5:50 he thought he was dying, that his brain was just going to melt down his spinal cord and that would be the end. Mopping up the water that gathered beneath his glass, moving the glass here, there. Staring at the door intensely, and jumping as people came in. He was sweating profusely, and wondered for a moment if he could just break down and cry.
It was seconds past 5:55 that he looked up, and watched Kyuhyun walk in.
***
The waitress was there seconds after Kyuhyun sat down, postponing any conversation. It took him only a second to decide what he wanted, telling her and handing back the menu with a half smile. And Zhou Mi, he felt like his mouth was made of sawdust, almost clinking his water glass on his teeth as he tried to divine Kyuhyun’s mood. Was it an end? Or a beginning?
“Eeteuk went to see you?” Kyuhyun asked, toying with his own glass. “Took you the clothes?”
“Yes,” Zhou Mi said. There obviously wasn’t any point in trying to deny it. “I was surprised to see him.”
“You shouldn’t have been. I told you those clothes were yours.”
“I know, but-”
“These aren’t mine, either,” Kyuhyun said, sliding the box of cufflinks across the table with a flick of his hand.
Zhou Mi shook his head, trying to hold strong, sliding them right back over, more carefully. “No, I can’t take them.”
The sounds of the restaurant did not stop, but it seemed the flow of blood in his body did, as Kyuhyun’s hand covered his over the box.
“They aren’t mine,” Kyuhyun repeated.
He frowned but did pull the box back toward himself, finger tracing the soft material that covered it and wondering what that meant. Was that a “thanks I appreciate the gesture of you returning them, but I want nothing that reminds me of you” reaction? If that was the case, Kyuhyun could’ve just sent them through Eeteuk, just like he had the other things.
“You should check them,” Kyuhyun suggested, making a sound of pleasure as his food and tea was set down.
So he could see them again? Kyuhyun was making no sense at all. He flipped open the top of the box, and felt his face widen in surprise, and then confusion. The cufflinks that Kyuhyun had given him were there, of course, but beside them was a brand new pair. Obvious, from the store tag still on them. Just transplanted into a different box. And instead of square, with diamonds, they were oval, with a shining red stone stripe running lengthwise across them. They were beautiful, of course, really beyond beautiful. And his mind went a thousand different ways on what they could mean, why Kyuhyun had clearly suggested he look at them.
“What is this?” he asked softly, looking up to see Kyuhyun digging into his noodles. A pair of chopsticks were waved at him.
“I’m starving, okay? Can we talk later?”
He shut his mouth, watching as Kyuhyun dug into his meal with gusto. His stomach whined a little at the sight, and he got the waitress to bring him a little something more to eat.
“You look like you lost weight,” Kyuhyun accused, tilting his head to stare at Zhou Mi’s wrists. “You lose a pound and you look like you’ve been starved. Don’t you buy food?”
“You’ve lost weight, too!”
“You can only tell because Eeteuk told you. I know better than that. I can smell his schemes from a mile away.” Kyuhyun shook his head. “I’ve barely had time to eat, getting ready for interviews. Real interviews.”
Not fake ones, like Zhou Mi’s had been. He got that. But it was only a couple of days after the conference had ended, and he hadn’t heard of Kyuhyun wanting to hire before it had started.
“Eeteuk didn’t tell me what you were hiring for?”
“It’s been time for a while to take on a couple of additional vice presidents under me. We’re trying to hire from within the company, someone who knows how it is. It’s become even more important with the board fractured. But I wouldn’t be against stealing someone else’s VP.” Kyuhyun smirked into his bowl. “Eeteuk can bully them some more then and make their lives hell.”
“So you’ll be able to take it easier?”
“Sort of. I’ll be able to get my hands out of some things that have been sucking up all my time, maybe take a step back and work on some pet projects.”
The edge had gone from Kyuhyun’s voice as they spoke. The soft tones of it losing their defense, as though he were speaking again to a friend and not an enemy. He knew he had told himself he could hope if Kyuhyun had showed up, but it was more complicated than that. He barely dared, even speaking to Kyuhyun like they were doing.
“Sounds like it’s a good step, then. For you and the company.”
“I think so. No, I know it is.”
That determination in those words had him blowing out a breath. Staring into his cup of tea as though he could divine where it all was going. Kyuhyun was so near to finishing eating, and he had no idea what followed that. Kyuhyun said they would talk? But he didn’t know what that entailed. He had a lot of things he wanted to say, and none of them sounded right.
Kyuhyun set down his chopsticks, looking up briefly at Zhou Mi. “I have something to show you, so let’s go.”
Kyuhyun stood up, turning for the door. Waiting beside it as Zhou Mi paid and thanked the waitress profusely. And though he had come by subway, he left in Kyuhyun’s car. The familiar smells of it almost painful, hearing one of Kyuhyun’s favorite CDs start playing. The cufflinks in their box were burning a hole in his bag, and he had to fist his hands on his thighs to keep from reaching to touch them.
If he just closed his eyes, and tried to pretend? No, it still didn’t feel real.
Kyuhyun parked near a line of clothing stores.
“C’mon, hurry up,” Kyuhyun said, as though the stores were still open and they had to rush into one.
He gripped the edge of his bag tight, following a step behind Kyuhyun as they walked halfway down the block, finally slowing in front of a men’s clothing store. The mannequin in the front was dressed in some understated vest, a dark red, black stripes. It looked nice, crisp with the white shirt and dark bow tie. Kyuhyun cleared his throat, gesturing up at it.
“I saw this vest, and thought it’d probably look good on you. You should come back tomorrow, see about getting it sized. It should go pretty nice with those cufflinks. There’s some movie premier Eeteuk tells me I have to go to.”
Kyuhyun paused, and Zhou Mi was sure his brain paused with him, as Kyuhyun turned and took a couple steps away. But his head turned, not quite meeting Zhou Mi’s eyes. “It’s up to you if you want to go with me, but I’m not paying you a cent if you do.”
The challenge was evident then. Zhou Mi could go with Kyuhyun to the premier for free, or not go at all. Which made it… A date?
“A date?” he echoed himself, not even trying to school his face.
“Number two, I’d think, though you seemed pretty miffed that I was hungry tonight. If you don’t want me to eat, you shouldn’t make dates at restaurants. Hey, it’s getting dark, so-”
Zhou Mi reached, drawing Kyuhyun in with unsteady hands, gasping as Kyuhyun’s arms locked around his torso. Holding him close, as close as Zhou Mi was holding him back, smelling his hair, his skin. Feeling the solid warmth of him from shoulder to knee.
“Kui Xian.”
“You left your clothes, you bastard.”
Zhou Mi shook his head, squeezing Kyuhyun tighter. “No, I left more than that.”
His hands roamed Kyuhyun’s back, making them arch together, and he kissed Kyuhyun’s neck. Not to arouse him, not on purpose. But because it seemed to calm them both. He could feel the tension in Kyuhyun start to ease, and his own trembles, too. And though he realized they were clinging to each other in the middle of a deserted sidewalk, he didn’t really care. Not when Kyuhyun was breathing into his collar, and holding him.
“I missed you,” he breathed, pressing his face closer to Kyuhyun. “There’s so much I want to talk to you about.”
He could hear Kyuhyun’s hard swallow.
“Where are you staying?” Kyuhyun asked.
“The same… The place you picked me up from when I moved in.”
Kyuhyun chuckled. “You couldn’t have picked someplace nicer?”
“It was comfortable!”
“Let’s go then,” Kyuhyun said, letting go slowly and letting them both get their equilibrium. “I’ll take you there.”
Take him there, and then what? Zhou Mi wondered. Leave him? Make plans? As long as Kyuhyun didn’t leave before things were resolved, he’d be fine. They could date, make a guarantee to call.
He kept a hand on Kyuhyun’s thigh as Kyuhyun navigated the car. He didn’t dare let go. Not then, not when he was so close to having everything that he wanted back. He gave a few directions, but let Kyuhyun take it from there.
“Where do I park so I won’t get towed before morning?” Kyuhyun asked.
He was staying the night. Zhou Mi’s whole body buzzed with the joy of it. “Around over there, you should be fine.”
It seemed like it’d been a long time since he’d climbed those stairs with Kyuhyun beside him. But it’d been for a different sort of beginning back then. Just barely getting to know each other. And now, getting to know each other again.