Little Snoochy was the saddest elf in Santa's workshop. Not because he was Santa's personal butt dwarf (I leave it up to the reader to figure out what that is.) But because he was the only elf in the entire north pole that wasn't catholic. Nope, Snoochy was Jewish as a mother fucker. Now, for those of you who are sitting around, reading this, and ( Read more... )

There are certain things in this country that have been deemed completely unacceptable. Going to your local zoo and killing a giraffe in the name of El Presidente. Unacceptable. Telling the kids that you're babysitting about the time you were at an S&M club and got six hammers shoved up your anal by a fat German man named Meister Hans. Unacceptable ( Read more... )

Hey you dirty immoral bastards (well you must be if you're reading this garbage), after a very long vacation I have returned!!! The fact that I've been fuck all busy with fixing up and moving into my new house and a slight case of writer's block have kept me away from you for three months. Remember that last post where I was writing a ghost story? ( Read more... )

Okay, so I tried my hand at a childrens book with, shall we say, sub-par results. Let's face it, it sucked a cock that even your dirty whore sister would turn down on principal. But a horror story? Can I do it? Shut the hell up and let me think......Yeah bitches, let's make it so. So cuddle up next to someone who won't mind you vomiting on them due ( Read more... )

There's a limbless midgit on Jerry Springer right now. I think I dated her when I spent that semester in Oklahoma. Weird. So here's the deal, I've offended a lot of people in my day and I feel the need to make things right. So as pennance to all the poor saps that have been on the recieving end of my spite stick, this one's for you. Below is a list ( Read more... )

Here's a question; where the fuck is my user picture? You know what I really don't give a quarter of a shit. It has been a hectic couple of days fo' sheezy. It all started in British Columbia. I had heard that the best cocain came from this area. Already you see my mistake. You know what is good in British Columbia, however? The all girl cowboy ( Read more... )

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRARGH!!! Okay you fuckin' lamb boners here's my problem. It's been pissing me off to no end for years but I'll make it quick cause I have to go to bed. My name is Daniel Boyd. I will also accept Dan or Danny if you're my mom. Over the years I have aquired a bevy of nicknames including the one you all know me as, Danpanik. You are ( Read more... )

This is it you shitcunts, it's the end of the school year (actually that was last month but I'm not as punctual as you whoring teacher, okay!) and this is DANPANIK'S LIVEJOURNAL FINAL!!!! Pass this and you're free to not only read any new entries on my page but you may also have as much sex with me as I deem necessary until I tire of you and leave ( Read more... )

Okay, here's the story. Last Saturday I made what I believe to be a major purchase at a garage sale. A mounted deer head. Tacky? Yes. Cruel? Abso-godfuckin-lutely. But it's my deer head and it's like the brother I never had. I even named him. Dead Dolly Deerhead. Pretty huh? The dilema I face now is the origin of the deer. What I mean is, what ( Read more... )

Ha......Ha, ha ha ha ha!!!! I stole this idea from Moxymoth. Who, in turn, stole it from somebody else. So I'm twice the copying bastard she is! Evil. Evil. See I even stole that line from The Kids In The Hall. Evil ( Read more... )