"Enigma (10/16)" - Hobbs/Raydor Fic
Title: Enigma (10/16)
Co-author: sharon_ray
Pairing: Hobbs/Raydor
Rating: T
Word Count: 1,760
Disclaimer: Not our characters or television show
Summary: Sharon and Andrea's relationship has been balanced on the precipice of friendship and something more for longer than either of them care to admit. Will the ever-present danger of their jobs finally push them over that fine line? Or will it pull them apart?
A/N: Fic starts out in season seven of The Closer, and follows the events (we've taken some liberties of course) of Major Crimes. This fic is complete and chapters will be posted on a weekly basis. On ff.net: Enigma.
Ch.1, Ch.2, Ch.3, Ch.4, Ch.5, Ch.6, Ch. 7, Ch.8, Ch.9,
(graphic made by me with my own screencaps and those taken with permission from MajorCrimesTV.net. Please do not take or re-post.)
Sharon sat at a corner table in the back of The Ivy restaurant, staring at the hem of the crisp, linen tablecloth in a vain effort to keep herself still as she waited for Andrea to show up. It was nearly 12:30 pm, but she had no idea of knowing whether Andrea was actually going to come to lunch or not; Andrea hadn’t responded to her email. Sharon was fighting the urge to call or text her, when a flash of blonde hair caught her attention. She let out a sigh of relief when she saw Andrea approach the table wearing Sharon’s very favourite pair of snug dark jeans and a casual light blue button down top.
“Hi,” Sharon said nervously as Andrea stopped right in front of the table and looked Sharon in the eye.
“Hi,” Andrea said, she sounded just as nervous as Sharon felt. “May I sit?” she asked politely.
“Oh yes, please,” Sharon said, gesturing to the chair across from her. Once Andrea was seated, Sharon spoke again. “Thank you for coming. I...I wasn’t sure if you would,” she admitted.
Andrea nodded. “I wasn’t sure at first if I should, given how things have been lately.”
“What changed your mind, if you don’t mind me asking?” Sharon inquired quietly. She sat on her hands as she waited for Andrea to answer; she didn’t know what to do with them.
“I meant it...um, what I said in my email,” she said as she anxiously tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. “I meant all of it.”
“I’m...glad,” Sharon said. She sighed. “I’m sorry, this is difficult for me. I...I’m not used to feeling so out of control.”
“Do I make you feel out of control?” Andrea asked carefully.
“Yes,” Sharon said quietly. “You make me want to burn every literal and metaphorical rulebook,” she said, grinning slightly.
“That is possibly the most romantic thing I think you’ve ever said to me,” Andrea said, returning Sharon’s grin. She decided to take a chance and reach for Sharon’s hands, which had moved out from under the table and were fidgeting with the menu on the table. “You make me feel out of control too,” she said softly as she caressed Sharon’s nervous hands.
Sharon let out a nervous, breathy chuckle. She accepted Andrea’s hand and traced the younger woman’s knuckles with her thumb.
“I can’t lie, Andrea... though I think you already know that this, all of it, it scares me,” Sharon said seriously, squeezing Andrea’s hand. “I do have feelings for you. I have feelings for you I wasn’t sure I could have for another person ever again. But I also don’t like feeling out of control, I never have. And at the same time I can't deny that I miss you. And, I regret my actions following that evening. I was cold and insensitive to you, I didn’t stop to think how my rejection might hurt you and I am so, so sorry for the hurt that I’ve caused you. Not only was that a terrible way for me to react as your lover, but it was an inexcusable way for me to act as your close friend. I can’t ask your forgiveness because I don’t think I deserve it, what I would like to boldly ask of you, if you could, is that you give me a second chance,” Sharon asked softly, her words were a bit rushed. She was afraid that if she didn’t get it all out, she’d blow this chance at making peace with Andrea.
“What exactly do you want a second chance at Sharon?” Andrea asked. “Please, be clear with me, you owe me at least that.”
“I want a second chance at first being your friend. And then...something more. I did mean it when I said that I valued our friendship, I still mean that. But, I’ve realized that my fear of losing you as a solid presence in my life is what has actually pushed you out of it these last few months. I’ve missed you. The truth is Andrea, I haven’t been able to get you out of my head. I think about you everyday, I have always thought about you everyday. I’m tired of running away from what might happen between us, and I’m ready to rebuild what we had, and to start growing into something more, together, slowly. If...if you'll have me that is," Sharon said.
Andrea stared at their hands as Sharon continued to rub the top of hers with her thumb. She was torn; it was better than the last five months of excuses, but it still wasn’t an I love you. Finally, with a sad sigh, she looked back up at Sharon.
“I can give you another chance. But I can only give you one, Sharon, and if you walk away from me again, we cannot be friends. We cannot be anything. I am not confused about my feelings for you. I know that I love you. I know that I want more from you. I cannot just be your friend. I can give this relationship some time, and I can give you the space you need to grow and feel comfortable, but I can’t play this game of charades with you any more...” Andrea watched her carefully as she contemplated her next question. “Sharon...I need to know if I am right in my assumption that you love me too, beyond friendship. I need to know, even if you’re terrified of it.”
Sharon squeezed Andrea’s hand and brought it up to her lips. “I do,” she said softly. At the look of both relief and joy that washed over Andrea’s face, Sharon repeated herself. “I do, I love you. I love you so much that I realize now how incomplete my life has been without you in it lately. For the longest time, I just couldn’t admit to myself that I had fallen in love with my best friend. I’m sorry, this isn’t…” she paused, frustrated, “I don’t know if this is coming out right,” she said, a bit tearfully. “Putting things that are so complex and overwhelming into words...it’s...hard for me sometimes.”
Andrea nodded her understanding. “I don’t need you to be eloquent with me Sharon, I just need you to be honest.”
Sharon took a deep breath. “Honest? Honestly, I think I’ve loved you before we even became friends. When I met you, it was like everything just stopped for a second, I could hardly breathe. Being near you became addictive. When….when I heard that you’d been shot, my god Andrea, it was like everything stopped again. And it wasn’t just that I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t even feel my own body, I just needed to be near you. I needed to feel you.” Sharon cleared her throat and blinked back the beginnings of tears. “If I could go back and change the way I reacted, if I could have removed all my fears, and just stayed in bed with you that morning, I would. Being with you, in your arms, was the happiest I had been in a very, very long time,” she said softly.
Andrea ducked her head to hide the tears that were forming in her eyes. “I would have kept you there, all day. I wanted you to stay so badly Sharon. I felt so cold when you left; I was so angry with you, for so long. ”
Sharon squeezed Andrea’s hand and rained kisses across Andrea’s knuckles. “I am so sorry,” she repeated.
Andrea regarded her carefully. “I want you back in my life Sharon, as my friend and as something more. I can’t keep doing this, I can’t keep pretending that I’m happier without you around. I am willing to try this, again.”
Sharon let out a sigh of relief. “Okay,” she said shakily. “Okay,” firmer this time, “I want to try very hard to make things up to you. I know that I can’t change how I reacted, or what I said, but I want you to know that I won’t ever do that again. I promise you.” Sharon was still holding Andrea’s hand close to her lips, she felt the fingertips of Andrea’s hand ghost along her jaw and she bent her head to kiss them again.
“Alright,” Andrea said slowly. “So, a new beginning for us then?”
Sharon nodded. “A new beginning with a particular mindfulness of our past.”
“And we do this honestly,” Andrea clarified, “if we’re uncomfortable or afraid or upset, we talk about it. We do this slowly, we do this right.”
“Absolutely,” Sharon promised. “I would like to go back to our weekly get togethers, if you are alright with that?"
“Yes,” Andrea said quickly. “I know that Rusty is a part of your life now...” she trailed off, then took a deep breath before continuing. “I care about him, not just as a witness that I have to be in constant contact with. He’s a brilliant kid, he’s so sweet and he’s found home for the first time with you and...I want him to be okay with this too,” she said softly.
“He and I haven’t discussed my personal life very much. I haven’t had much of one lately though. I’ll talk to him,” Sharon said.
“I don’t want to cause any discomfort for him,” Andrea muttered, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth.
“No,” Sharon said seriously, shaking her head. “What did we just say about honesty? I will talk to Rusty and ease him into things. Can we please have dinner together, the three of us, next week?” Sharon looked at Andrea hopefully, smiling softly at her.
“Yes,” Andrea laughed quietly, shaking her head.
“What? What are you laughing at?” Sharon asked nervously, adjusting herself in her chair.
“This. Everything. Us. I just feel so relieved. I have missed you so much, Sharon.”
“I have missed you, too, Andrea. More than I can begin to say,” Sharon said.
As the waiter approached the table to take their orders, Andrea couldn’t help but smile to herself. Sharon did not drop her hand in favour of folding her own in her lap. She did not act embarrassed or irritated at being caught holding Andrea’s hand. Instead, she continued to hold her hand across the table as they ordered, ate, and sipped their coffees for the remainder of their afternoon date.
For the first time in months, Andrea felt like her life might just return to something normal, and she dared to think, even happy, very soon.