i really shouldnt be smoking right now. it doesnt even taste good. im just so used to it. i really cant imagine my life without smoking. the first four days in rehab, i barely smoked because i could barely move. yet at the same time, i was twisting and moving constantly because i couldnt get comfortable. couldnt sleep. couldnt eat. i had to go down ( Read more... )

i have a cold. its pretty bad. i woke up earlier yesterday from a nap, and you know what woke me? a sneeze. i think i may have been sneezing in my sleep. you know how it is when your head feels all full of germs and your body is achy and you just wish you were dead, yeah, thats me. i hate being sick. that was one very definite plus of being a drug ( Read more... )

im sick of everything right now. i dont really like my job, im strung out about going on the floor at school, and nothing good seems to be happening in general. i am not making enough money to support myself and be self-sufficient, and im back in my rut of hiding in my room all the time even though its not happy at all. i dont know what i have to ( Read more... )

my life is so weird. sometimes at school i listen to what the girls are saying. i cant help it, its habit. ive been listening my whole life and i cant seem to turn it off at will, unfortunately. some people are pretty good at turning down the volume in their ears. but most of them were born with balls and testosterone, neither of which i have in ( Read more... )

on the way to school the other day, heaven is a place on earth by belinda carlisle started playing on 100.3 and i instantly regressed to the age of 14. i loved the belinda carlisle when i was 14. not when she was with the go-gos, but when she had branched out and did her own thing. i had that album memorized. i wanted to BE belinda carlisle. yeah. ( Read more... )

a good day ( Read more... )

now im all provoked into thinking again. i love conversations like this. rhetorical. pointless. mental masturbation ( Read more... )

let me tell you something. it does not come naturally to me at ALL to talk people OUT of suicide. the flip side of that coin is much further up my alley. so this shit is kind of so out of my league ( Read more... )

so i DID sum it all up on here. i wasnt sure. i dont remember things so well these days. i think it was all the pills. i think maybe i fucked myself up in ways i havent even discovered yet ( Read more... )

well i havent been on here in some time. what the hell. i need to find a friendly face. talk about reaching out and touching someone. for all intents and purposes, this is me writing in my journal, which is a pretty private act, and here i am choosing to air all my very dirty laundry with the whole class. what the hell. i admit it. i need help. ( Read more... )