An atypical year, but aren't they all?
2014 in review. Compare and contrast with 2013, 2012, 2009, 2008, 2007 or 2006, if you really want to.
This is a painful year, largely caused by my making really bad decisions. I decided to read Ulysses, for one. I climbed repeatedly on fingers that were much too broken to climb. My career moves weren't stellar. And then there were all the mistakes in love. I said "I love you" at a time it was true, which turned out to be terrible, in a way I knew it could be at the time. It was true, she said it first, and it felt not saying it would be a lie. And I sent a lot of messages I regret.
I had my PhD viva, things fell apart in a long break-up, which went in about the worst way possible and pushed my mental state apart. I had 18 months for PhD corrections, which is not a real deadline. Not finished yet. And yeah, losing someone who'd told me they'd never just stop being my friend, a hundred times, at a point where I told her I most needed her, if she'd be there for me, and who promised she wouldn't go hurt ... but the past is another country, and besides, the wench is gone.
And then I spent nine months mostly in bed in a millionaire's basement, getting more depressed, with most of my support coming from an autistic 40-year-old millionaire with a lot of mental health issues, a councillor, and a paraplegic world champion. And failing to get out of bed. Things must change.
What did you do in 2014 that you'd never done before?
Had a PhD viva. Went into the House of Commons. Worked in the House of Commons for a while. Had someone tell me they love me and promise they'd never just stop being my friend, a month before proceeding to do that in the most heart-breaking and injurious way possible. Attempted to tear apart a country. Joined a political party. Campaigned. Had a prose piece published. Got a Font 7a in font. Had just about everyone I've ever loved block/defriend me on facebook. (Okay, that's less new.) Supported a football team which won anything (and the world cup, at that).
Did you keep new year's resolutions and will you make more next year?
I made about thirteen here. I kept . 6, 9, and arguably 13. Debatably 7, but not really.
On 6: reviews of the top 30 books of the 300 I read in 2011-2013 is worth noting.
On the whole, as with 2014 as a whole, I failed utterly.
12, in particuar, I failed appallingly. As I type, I have 687 tabs open, in a session that's been ongoing since March, when everything really began to unravel.
I have made more. ( Here, they are an interesting contrast.) One of which is "I will not fail as badly as I did last year. Which I'm generally writing off/being in denial about."
Did anyone close to you give birth?
Everyone at the climbing wall. This is slightly an exaggeration.
Did anyone close to you die?
No, actually.
What countries did you visit?
England, Scotland and France.
What would you like to have in 2015 that you lacked in 2014?
To hold things together. To not throw away friendships. To avoid negative things.
As with last year "To have a plan for life, larger scale. To know what I'm doing more. To keep growing up, without losing my youth.
A girlfriend would be nice.
Maybe to start writing fiction.
To sort out what I want to do about medication."
To actually try.
To get a friend elected to the House of Commons. You've got to dream big, right?
What dates from 2014 will remain etched in your memory and why?
22nd of January. My viva. Around which a lot of crazy stuff happened, and I hurt and was hurt by some really stupid romantic dealings. But, most importantly, I did sober.
9th of July. 7-1.
19th of September. There was some vote on something.
What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Climbing a font 7a in font? Doing my viva without medication. Interning in the House of Commons.
What were your biggest failures this year?
Not getting a job, completing my thesis corrections (yet! As I knew at the time, eighteen months was way too long to give me), or doing more or less anything I wanted to acheive. Various pseudo-break-ups. Everyone I've been in love with blocking or defriending me on facebook or just stopping talking to me. Letting Vicky hurt me so much and so many times.
Did you suffer illness or injury?
Myriad finger and tendon injuries. I missed a ton of climbing. It would be hard to make an argument that I didn't have a huge depressive episode last year, though I'd probably like to try. Being sick a few times. My wrists have started clicking all the times in ominous ways.
What was the best thing you bought?
I really didn't have much income. Women's XS skinny climbing jeans? Books?
Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Clare, Sara, Dave Miller, Kirsty (so much Kirsty -- she led a major electoral campaign with a 6 month old and a 2 year old), Irene, various other people who were there for me at times when I needed. The German national football team.
Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
I mean, I don't like to be negative. Vicky. Ewa. Various people who were there for me and stopped being there. But mostly myself.
What did you spend most of your spare cash on?
Comics, books. Didn't have much.
What did you get really, really excited about?
World Cup. Scottish Independence. My viva. Love. Fontainebleau. Boyhood, which was just great.
What song will always remind you of 2014?
Pompeii -- Bastille. No, that's not true. In so many ways, it's Regina Spektor - "Don't Leave Me (Ne Me Quitte Pas)".
Compared to this time last year are you happier or sadder?
Sadder. A lot so.
Thinner or fatter?
A little thinner.
Richer or poorer?
As with last year: "I'm a bit worse off, but still in the situation of living on free food and board in a very nice place in London, thanks to a friend's parents.".
I really need to do something about that.
What do you wish you'd done more of?
Getting a job. Doing thesis corrections.
Getting further in dealing with my mental issues around medication. Getting over things. Winning referenda.
What do you wish you'd done less of?
Last year: "Hurting people and wallowing in indecision."
This year: Hurting people, getting hurt by people, and wallowing in indecision and despair.
What was your favorite TV programme?
Let's see... Bob's Burgers and Community were good till I stopped watching them. Doctor Who was great -- Capaldi is brilliant. Orange is the New Black was decent. Brooklyn Nine-Nine is very good for what it is. Louie is amazing. But New Girl was what I actually lived.
(And comics series: WicDiv just loses out to Sex Criminals, which seems to have a character written who's almost exactly me.)
Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No. I don't. I maybe should.
What was the last book you read?
Don Delillo's Underworld. 75th book I read last year -- I lowered my target after March-May's sinking into despair made clear I'd not make my usual hundred.
What was your greatest musical discovery?
tUnE-yArDs
What did you want and get?
Germany to win the world cup. Love.
What did you want and not get?
A job. A PhD. A future. Lasting Love.
What was your favourite film this year?
Boyhood. (Honourable mentions: The Double, American Hustle.)
What did you do on your birthday and how old are you?
I'm 28. Didn't do much. I went to the climbing wall, then out for a burger afterwards, with some people I'd not seen in a long time. They were out of burgers. I spent the end of the day with a man fifteen years my senior being amused by the fact I still believe in the concept of community in this modern, internet-focussed world.
What one thing would've made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Stability. Non-loss of friends. A stable partner.
How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2014?
Vest under red bamboo t-shirt, with the aforementioned women's XS skinny climbing jeans.
What kept you sane?
Friends, (especially Clare and Kirsty), climbing, therapy.
Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Jennifer Lawrence, barely.
What political issue has stirred you the most?
The referendum.
Who did you miss?
People who were busy, or who left. Mostly Vicky. But also Dave, Will, Alastair a bit. The way you know when things are bad is that you're running out of people to actually miss.
Who was the best new person you met this year?
Oh, wow, last year's entry is so full of irony.
Greg, undoubtedly.
Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2014.
“There is a bound on how much mental health problems should excuse hurting those you care about.”
Also, this text message I sent a couple of weeks ago says a lot: "Fundamentally, `Sorry for being weird: it’s just that I’m worried that I’m coming across as a needy, high-strung neurotic who’s no fun to be around and I’m terrified that everyone i care about’s going to stop liking me. I realise that this fear ends up making me act oddly, but I don’t know, in the moment or after, how best to counteract that,' is not the easiest thing to convey in an unfraught manner. And a ton of this year’s been about that."
Also, I've got a ton of rejection/abandonment issues, but I'll get through that.
This is a painful year, largely caused by my making really bad decisions. I decided to read Ulysses, for one. I climbed repeatedly on fingers that were much too broken to climb. My career moves weren't stellar. And then there were all the mistakes in love. I said "I love you" at a time it was true, which turned out to be terrible, in a way I knew it could be at the time. It was true, she said it first, and it felt not saying it would be a lie. And I sent a lot of messages I regret.
I had my PhD viva, things fell apart in a long break-up, which went in about the worst way possible and pushed my mental state apart. I had 18 months for PhD corrections, which is not a real deadline. Not finished yet. And yeah, losing someone who'd told me they'd never just stop being my friend, a hundred times, at a point where I told her I most needed her, if she'd be there for me, and who promised she wouldn't go hurt ... but the past is another country, and besides, the wench is gone.
And then I spent nine months mostly in bed in a millionaire's basement, getting more depressed, with most of my support coming from an autistic 40-year-old millionaire with a lot of mental health issues, a councillor, and a paraplegic world champion. And failing to get out of bed. Things must change.
What did you do in 2014 that you'd never done before?
Had a PhD viva. Went into the House of Commons. Worked in the House of Commons for a while. Had someone tell me they love me and promise they'd never just stop being my friend, a month before proceeding to do that in the most heart-breaking and injurious way possible. Attempted to tear apart a country. Joined a political party. Campaigned. Had a prose piece published. Got a Font 7a in font. Had just about everyone I've ever loved block/defriend me on facebook. (Okay, that's less new.) Supported a football team which won anything (and the world cup, at that).
Did you keep new year's resolutions and will you make more next year?
I made about thirteen here. I kept . 6, 9, and arguably 13. Debatably 7, but not really.
On 6: reviews of the top 30 books of the 300 I read in 2011-2013 is worth noting.
On the whole, as with 2014 as a whole, I failed utterly.
12, in particuar, I failed appallingly. As I type, I have 687 tabs open, in a session that's been ongoing since March, when everything really began to unravel.
I have made more. ( Here, they are an interesting contrast.) One of which is "I will not fail as badly as I did last year. Which I'm generally writing off/being in denial about."
Did anyone close to you give birth?
Everyone at the climbing wall. This is slightly an exaggeration.
Did anyone close to you die?
No, actually.
What countries did you visit?
England, Scotland and France.
What would you like to have in 2015 that you lacked in 2014?
To hold things together. To not throw away friendships. To avoid negative things.
As with last year "To have a plan for life, larger scale. To know what I'm doing more. To keep growing up, without losing my youth.
A girlfriend would be nice.
Maybe to start writing fiction.
To sort out what I want to do about medication."
To actually try.
To get a friend elected to the House of Commons. You've got to dream big, right?
What dates from 2014 will remain etched in your memory and why?
22nd of January. My viva. Around which a lot of crazy stuff happened, and I hurt and was hurt by some really stupid romantic dealings. But, most importantly, I did sober.
9th of July. 7-1.
19th of September. There was some vote on something.
What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Climbing a font 7a in font? Doing my viva without medication. Interning in the House of Commons.
What were your biggest failures this year?
Not getting a job, completing my thesis corrections (yet! As I knew at the time, eighteen months was way too long to give me), or doing more or less anything I wanted to acheive. Various pseudo-break-ups. Everyone I've been in love with blocking or defriending me on facebook or just stopping talking to me. Letting Vicky hurt me so much and so many times.
Did you suffer illness or injury?
Myriad finger and tendon injuries. I missed a ton of climbing. It would be hard to make an argument that I didn't have a huge depressive episode last year, though I'd probably like to try. Being sick a few times. My wrists have started clicking all the times in ominous ways.
What was the best thing you bought?
I really didn't have much income. Women's XS skinny climbing jeans? Books?
Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Clare, Sara, Dave Miller, Kirsty (so much Kirsty -- she led a major electoral campaign with a 6 month old and a 2 year old), Irene, various other people who were there for me at times when I needed. The German national football team.
Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
I mean, I don't like to be negative. Vicky. Ewa. Various people who were there for me and stopped being there. But mostly myself.
What did you spend most of your spare cash on?
Comics, books. Didn't have much.
What did you get really, really excited about?
World Cup. Scottish Independence. My viva. Love. Fontainebleau. Boyhood, which was just great.
What song will always remind you of 2014?
Pompeii -- Bastille. No, that's not true. In so many ways, it's Regina Spektor - "Don't Leave Me (Ne Me Quitte Pas)".
Compared to this time last year are you happier or sadder?
Sadder. A lot so.
Thinner or fatter?
A little thinner.
Richer or poorer?
As with last year: "I'm a bit worse off, but still in the situation of living on free food and board in a very nice place in London, thanks to a friend's parents.".
I really need to do something about that.
What do you wish you'd done more of?
Getting a job. Doing thesis corrections.
Getting further in dealing with my mental issues around medication. Getting over things. Winning referenda.
What do you wish you'd done less of?
Last year: "Hurting people and wallowing in indecision."
This year: Hurting people, getting hurt by people, and wallowing in indecision and despair.
What was your favorite TV programme?
Let's see... Bob's Burgers and Community were good till I stopped watching them. Doctor Who was great -- Capaldi is brilliant. Orange is the New Black was decent. Brooklyn Nine-Nine is very good for what it is. Louie is amazing. But New Girl was what I actually lived.
(And comics series: WicDiv just loses out to Sex Criminals, which seems to have a character written who's almost exactly me.)
Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No. I don't. I maybe should.
What was the last book you read?
Don Delillo's Underworld. 75th book I read last year -- I lowered my target after March-May's sinking into despair made clear I'd not make my usual hundred.
What was your greatest musical discovery?
tUnE-yArDs
What did you want and get?
Germany to win the world cup. Love.
What did you want and not get?
A job. A PhD. A future. Lasting Love.
What was your favourite film this year?
Boyhood. (Honourable mentions: The Double, American Hustle.)
What did you do on your birthday and how old are you?
I'm 28. Didn't do much. I went to the climbing wall, then out for a burger afterwards, with some people I'd not seen in a long time. They were out of burgers. I spent the end of the day with a man fifteen years my senior being amused by the fact I still believe in the concept of community in this modern, internet-focussed world.
What one thing would've made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Stability. Non-loss of friends. A stable partner.
How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2014?
Vest under red bamboo t-shirt, with the aforementioned women's XS skinny climbing jeans.
What kept you sane?
Friends, (especially Clare and Kirsty), climbing, therapy.
Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Jennifer Lawrence, barely.
What political issue has stirred you the most?
The referendum.
Who did you miss?
People who were busy, or who left. Mostly Vicky. But also Dave, Will, Alastair a bit. The way you know when things are bad is that you're running out of people to actually miss.
Who was the best new person you met this year?
Oh, wow, last year's entry is so full of irony.
Greg, undoubtedly.
Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2014.
“There is a bound on how much mental health problems should excuse hurting those you care about.”
Also, this text message I sent a couple of weeks ago says a lot: "Fundamentally, `Sorry for being weird: it’s just that I’m worried that I’m coming across as a needy, high-strung neurotic who’s no fun to be around and I’m terrified that everyone i care about’s going to stop liking me. I realise that this fear ends up making me act oddly, but I don’t know, in the moment or after, how best to counteract that,' is not the easiest thing to convey in an unfraught manner. And a ton of this year’s been about that."
Also, I've got a ton of rejection/abandonment issues, but I'll get through that.