I don't know where to start, there's so much and I'm so tired. But I must write this now for fear I'll forget; I'm sure when I finally sleep the memories will fade like a bad dream or some half-remembered movie starring some half-forgotten actor trying desperately to break out of soaps...

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Europe continues to be distressing. People keep harassing me about various celebrities I have no affiliation with nor affection towards. One particularly deranged man was obsessed with 50 Cent. Another was harassing me about Henry Kissinger. I just wanted to eat my pastry in peace and not talk about any massacres, but it was not to be. People are ( Read more... )

Today I was sitting in a bar with deer heads on the wall drinking warm beer, when a scary woman named Helga brutally assaulted me with a strudel. I gave her a taste of my mighty backhand, but then the whole bar erupted into a violent frenzy of stein smashing and chair throwing. Thankfully I managed to use my mad clogdancing skills to trample ( Read more... )

I just saw this sculpture in West Berlin, by Jeff Koons, the pop artist. He does a lot of lustrous balloon dog sculptures that are over ten feet tall. You see, his wife for a time was an Italian porn star who got a seat in the Italian parliament, and her name is Cicciolina. He did an exhibition called "Made in Heaven" which was her and him ( Read more... )

Europe is kind of boring. Since I do not speak the language of the natives, I cannot tell which of them are sucker MCs, and which are not. None of them have style, that is true, but their flow could be untouchable... if only I knew what they were saying ( Read more... )

Hello there my friendly American pals! Today I did NOT get blown up in London for I am frolicking gaily through the red light district in Amsterdam! Did you know you only have to be 15 to be a prostitute here? I high fived a jolly youngster in clogs while eating a danish, then drove a Vespa around wrecklessly and knocked over a dyke. Everyone ( Read more... )