Open Your Eyes, 4/5. NC-17
Title: Open Your Eyes
Series: #11 in Ready For The Siege
(#1 - Look Over Your Shoulder, #2 - Armed Up To The Teeth, #3 - Misery Inspires, #4 - Broken Underneath, #5 - Change Is Coming Soon, #6 - Lick Your Wounds, #7 - Bitter Sparks, #8 - Father's Will, #9 - To Feel Safe Again, #10 - Hit Your Prime)
Author: Eustacia Vye
Author's e-mail: eustacia_vye28@hotmail.com
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Loki/Natasha, Natasha/OFC mentioned, Natasha/Fandral/Loki
Disclaimer: Not mine! Some comic backstory is incorporated into characterizations, but this is still primarily movieverse.
Spoilers/Warnings: Post-movie. Read the other stories before this one, because it does refer back to events in them. Additional warning for misogyny (internalized and society-driven) and references to torture.
Title and series title from "The Royal We" by Silversun Pickups
Special thanks to phoenixrising06/
romanovasledger for plotting and characterization discussion. :)
Summary: As Ambassador to Asgard, nobility didn't expect Natasha to be much more than a figurehead or diplomat. That very much was not her way, especially not when there was a mystery that needed to be solved.
Prior chapters:
One - Return To Asgard
Two - The Investigation Begins
Three - Appearances
Four - When The Heart Breaks
Though Loki and Natasha would have rather started looking into why Lord Thorin was missing, or where Lady Lagaertha might have been, Frigga sent a formal summons to see Lara. A spike of fear shot through Loki at the thought of it, especially since the formal summons specifically did not include Natasha and was set for a time when Natasha usually was in training with the warrior class or was off teaching Bera some self defense skills. Loki would have to face Frigga alone, and somehow her heart refused to let her call Frigga mother even though she desperately wanted to.
Even monsters had mothers, didn't they?
Loki wore dark blue robes shot with gold and green over a black underdress and kirtle, mostly to feel a little closer to Natasha. Of course she would deny that if asked, but no one would ask such a thing. Frigga's quarters were still bright and sunny, impossibly golden and heartbreakingly familiar. Loki wanted to run, as cowardly as that would be, but steeled herself to go forward and stand with her back ramrod straight just inside the doors.
Frigga was at her balcony overlooking the garden. "I suppose I should get used to calling you Lara for the moment."
"If that is your wish," Loki replied formally.
"How have you been adjusting to Asgard?" Frigga asked, turning around to look at her. There was that infinite kindness in her eyes, and Loki wanted to do something to take that expression off of her face. Loki was wicked, something evil that had been spawned and brought into the House of Odin like a cuckoo. Frigga shouldn't still love her.
But the thought of living without that love was bleak, and Loki couldn't bear to think of it.
"As the Ambassador's companion, I've been attending parties, social gatherings, looking into things if Natasha wishes to."
"Is there nothing you care to do for yourself?"
Frowning deeply, Loki stalked forward a few steps. "Would you have me study magic when mortals are not as skilled? Would you have me reveal myself when I fight or cast or walk through the halls I still remember? It would alert the guards that I am not who I seem to be, not exactly, and then comes my death. Is that what you wish?"
"I worry for you, Loki," Frigga murmured.
"Do you really?" she couldn't help but sneer in reply. "Where was that worry when I was nearly dying? Or lost in the Void? Or when I truly would have valued counsel?" She shook her head and half turned away. "What do you wish to hear?"
Frigga looked at her, that concern still etched across her features. "So perceptive about everyone but yourself, is that it?" she asked, walking forward. "Everything you do is to gain someone else's regard. Have you none of your own?"
It hurt to breathe. Loki wanted to lash out, make Frigga hurt as much as she did, make her feel even a fraction of the pain she had been carrying since her fall into the Void.
"Would it make a difference?" Loki sneered instead. "Regard for my capabilities will not remove the death sentence waiting for me. Regard for my knowledge won't sustain me. And there are few who would regard the siedr as much more than vile trickery." She raised her arms, pulling the outer robes tighter against her chest. "All this is a ruse, is it not? I am still the monster beneath it all. Still the creature they whisper about in the dark, still the one condemned. Nothing will change that."
She walked forward and clasped one of Loki's arms; Loki was sure that Frigga would never have attempted such a thing if she was male. Then again, the usual garb that Loki had worn as a male tended to have blades secreted throughout, and the loosely fitting robes did not readily allow knives to be carried. Natasha had found a way, of course, by subtly altering the cut and style to conceal blades strapped to her body. Perhaps Loki should start doing the same.
"You are not a monster, Loki," Frigga said firmly. "You are my child, and I know you are not a monster. You have done terrible things, but you can fix them. You can change all of that, I am certain of it."
"How would you stop me if I can't?"
Loki felt no triumph when Frigga fell silent. Natasha would have disapproved of baiting her, but Loki couldn't help herself. There was no threat of absence or death hanging over her. Frigga would forgive her anything, has forgiven her anything, even near genocide.
"So you can't."
Frigga leveled a look at Loki that could have frozen water. "Are you so determined to be killed, then? So determined to think of us as horrible?"
"What good could I possibly have been to you?"
Grasping Loki's face in her hands, there was a fierce expression on Frigga's face that Loki had never really seen before. "You were my child, mine. That was worth more to me than anything else in the Nine Realms."
"Are you proud of what you created, then, Mother? Are you still so eager to claim me, horrid creature that I am?" Loki sneered, attempting to pull away from Frigga. The goddess held fast, however, and Loki didn't want to push Frigga so hard that she would be sent reeling.
"I didn't want you to feel different-"
"But I am! I always was, and I never knew why!"
"That doesn't excuse the murder of millions!"
Loki wrenched away from Frigga. "And there it is. The condemnation I so richly deserve."
"You are so determined to suffer," Frigga sighed. "Determined to set the blame elsewhere..."
Turning her back to Frigga, Loki crossed her arms under her breasts. "Do I? I tell you that I have murdered in cold blood, that I have twisted and warped and done irreparable harm to other creatures of the Nine Realms. I nearly finished the war that Odin could not." She turned around, anger blazing in her eyes. "But nothing is good enough. I will never be worthy, because I was never meant to be anything more than a trophy. A token of Odin's good will, a treasure kept under lock and key. I could have been a great many things, but all that possibility was stolen from me, and I was shaped to be something that none would ever care for."
"I still care for you."
"And you will forever be the only one."
Frigga looked away from the flat statement, and Loki wanted to collapse and cry. She would never be worthy, never, but she tried so hard, and didn't understand where she failed so badly. It hurt, and she fiercely missed the innocent trust she had placed in Frigga and her wisdom when she was too young to truly understand. She shook off Frigga's comforting touch; she didn't deserve it, and by now knew she had to rely on herself and the deal with Natasha for any kind of peace. Frigga couldn't give it to her any longer.
"Whatever form you take," Frigga said softly, "I am your mother. That cannot be changed. There are a great many mistakes we have made along the way, but they can be corrected. The future is not set. It can be changed."
"Hel told me. I make the wrong choices, I wind up in Helheim." Loki could hear the bitterness in her voice, the dead finality. "Even you cannot erase that."
"I would not try. We all must fulfill our spá."
"Then what good are you? What good are these little talks? Balm to assuage your guilt? A way to look in and be certain that I won't suddenly turn blue and walk through the halls? I am only what you and Odin made me to be. It's not my fault if you're no longer pleased with the results."
Never mind that Loki wasn't pleased with it either.
Frigga looked about to cry, though she had her regal bearing to prevent it. Loki felt terrible, and almost wanted to beg Frigga's forgiveness. Frigga had been the one to soothe her hurts as a child, to calm her fears and quiet the nightmares. Loki had never guessed he hadn't been born to her, had felt different because of other reasons. Not once had he ever felt neglected, shunned or unloved as now she claimed to be.
"Then perhaps there truly is nothing left for you in Asgard." Frigga gestured toward her door and turned to walk back to her balcony. "There was no purpose in returning, and I truly only have one child now."
Heart breaking, Loki left without a word, quietly closing the door behind her.
***
"What is your earliest memory?" Loki asked quietly, sitting beside Natasha on a stone bench in Frigga's garden. This was one of the places that had always helped to settle Loki's mind before, and sharing it with Natasha seemed to make it almost holy.
She turned toward Loki, her expression neutral. "Why?"
"My earliest memory is being here. I was quite small, and I had a nightmare. I don't remember what it was now, but then it seemed very frightening. My mo-" Loki's voice choked off and she looked at one of the flowering bushes in the distance. "She didn't come as she usually did, though I called for her, and I crept my way here. But it was dark, and the flowers didn't bloom yet, and I needed to see them. So I created a sun above the garden, bright enough to make them bloom and give me comfort. It was my first working of the seidr, completely by instinct. She began to teach me after that, spell after spell after spell. The spá was difficult, but runic magic and the seidr came naturally to me."
"That set you apart as a boy."
Loki managed not to shudder. "There were differences beside that, but when some of the warriors knew I could work the seidr... It simply wasn't done," she said, turning to look at Natasha. "It was not seemly. It was... Do you know the term ergi?" she asked, waiting for Natasha to shake her head. Loki was sure that Natasha must have heard the term, or at least the concept of it from others tutoring her about Asgard. "It's an insult. It's unmanliness. It's... I would be mocked, not trusted, yet used when they had need of me."
"Frigga mentioned it a little."
"I was good at seidr. Almost as good as she is. She was my teacher, and I would have done anything to please her." She fell silent, feeling her throat constrict painfully. "I thought she was my mother, and that she knew best."
"She planned for you to use your magic to help Thor in his rule. That you would hold a position even higher than that of a High Chamberlain."
Loki turned to look at Natasha in disbelief. "Not possible, not if I was so tainted by ergi." She shook her head. "The only way to prove I was fit to rule was through war. Through death and destruction, to prove I could be as strong as Odin."
"That's what she told me," Natasha told Loki quietly. "She didn't seem to be lying about that."
"Others would not have trusted my counsel if I were to practice openly."
"She also planned for Sif to marry Thor."
"Ah." Loki smiled, though it faltered after a time. "Well. Maybe once, that plan may have worked, but not now."
"No, not now."
They fell into silence, and Loki chanced to take Natasha's hand. When she allowed it, Loki's heart sang painfully in her chest. "And you?" she asked. "Your earliest memory?"
"Fire," Natasha remarked, voice devoid of emotion. Loki could tell this was truth, though she couldn't have said how she knew. "The building was burning down, and I think my father was already dead. My mother and I were trapped in a corner room, no way out. She threw me from the window, begging the men in the crowd to catch me, to see me safe. She was in the process of coming through after me when the roof collapsed. Then the entire building went up in flames."
Loki was very still. "She gave her life for you."
"I don't know her name," Natasha said, shrugging. She wasn't looking at Loki, but at the edge of statuary that could be seen through the floral arrangements of the garden. Loki doubted she was really seeing it, though. "I know I was born Natalia Alianovna Romanova, but that only tells me what my father's name was." She turned toward Loki, her expression perfectly blank. Loki found it disturbing, given the content of their conversation. "Russians use patronymics, too. So I know my father's name but not hers. I remember her face, but not his."
"How old were you?" Loki asked softly, not wanting to break this spell.
"I must have been five. I don't remember anything before that."
"After that was your training, that time you mentioned when your life was not your own."
"Yes." She turned away. "It wasn't my own again for a long time."
"How did you do it?"
"That's a story for a different day," she said, no inflection in her tone.
"I would guess Yelena was involved," Loki said, not sure why she would say such a thing. No, that wasn't entirely correct. Jealousy was why, though it made no sense. She hadn't heard of Yelena until relatively recently, and Natasha had claimed her before that. Yelena hadn't been involved in Natasha's life for a very long time. Clint hadn't mentioned the name to Loki while he was under the Tesseract control.
"Jealousy doesn't suit you," Natasha said dryly, correctly naming Loki's tortured emotional state.
Loki didn't want to argue, but she felt as though her claim on Natasha was even more tenuous here than on Midgard. On Midgard, Natasha nominally needed her, which gave her a sense of purpose. She wasn't trying to rule that realm, or even a small part of it, and she wasn't actively scheming to compromise anyone's integrity. To be honest, she was out of sorts, but Natasha's requests gave her something to do. On Asgard, she had no purpose at all. She wasn't even Loki here to anyone but Natasha and Frigga, and perhaps Heimdall. To everyone else, she was simply a mortal companion to keep Natasha company between feasts and balls.
"There is nothing for me here or there," Loki said quietly. She recalled one of her conversations with Bruce Banner and sighed. "I have no home, do I?"
"You called this home."
"Home is not a place where you would be executed for revealing yourself."
"Do you blame them?"
Eyes flashing, she bared her teeth at Natasha. But even that momentary flash of anger died. "I suppose I don't."
Even Hel didn't want her in Helheim. There was no place for Loki to go to, and she had brought this all on herself. She couldn't even see a way out.
"There is nothing here. All have been driven away, bonds broken. There is no redemption for the likes of me," she said softly.
"It's only there if you want to take it."
"How did you?" Loki asked, brows furrowed. "If your life was not your own, your mind not even your own, how did you know how to start over?"
"At first, I didn't. And I didn't need to. I did what I knew, that was it. There's no absolution for what I did, so why even try?"
"But you do. Your ledger..."
"Is about balance," she interrupted gently. "It doesn't erase the past. Wiping my ledger clean doesn't erase the prior entries. It simply brings everything into balance."
"Can there be balance?"
She smiled, a true and beautiful one that Loki had very rarely seen. "I'll make sure of it."
"And if I do as you do..."
"It will give you something to do." Natasha tilted her head to the side, contemplating Loki. "It won't matter to you the same way. It doesn't have the same meaning, but it will give you something to do."
"You don't think much of me sometimes, do you?" Loki asked, pain in her voice.
"I'm not a role model," Natasha corrected with a shake of her head. "I shouldn't be your guide for proper behavior."
"I do not fit into the roles Asgard would give me."
"No, I don't think you would anymore," she agreed, nodding. Rising to her feet, she pulled Loki with her. "You've changed, and this place hasn't. But I think there are a lot more discontents here than just you."
"What do you mean?"
"Even here, there are whispers. And someone like me without enough to do here..."
"You've always listened to whispers," Loki said, an appreciative smile creeping onto her face.
"You must have dozens of hiding places in the palace, secret ways in and out that would allow us to go hunting in the shadows."
"What will we look for?" Loki asked, feeling a curl of excitement begin to grow in her belly. It was almost as enticing as Natasha taking control.
"Whatever there is to find. I have a feeling there will be enough here to surprise you."
Loki grinned, teeth sharp and eyes bright. She felt like a predator again, like someone powerful and useful and necessary. "Let's go see what the shadows tell us."
***
Considering that Engmarr, Helga and Lagaertha had all been kind to the karls on their estates, as opposed to Jogeirr and apparently Thorin, it wasn't a distinct pattern of karls rising up to torture and kill the jarls that had oppressed them. Natasha unfurled the map Loki had copied from Odin's study once they were back from Thorin's estate. Loki had sensed the presence of another portal in Lagaertha's estate, but not on Thorin's property. "All that seems to mean is that whoever it was that took them was more comfortable entering their homes if they were nice," Natasha said. "I would think that means our killers knew the jarls well."
"Of course they would, if they were karls."
"They aren't widely traveled for such a small realm," Natasha disagreed, catching her lower lip between her teeth as she studied the map. Her eyes took in the overall shape of things, the different markings Odin had used as well as her own now for the missing jarls. She wasn't entirely sure what the red X's were on the map, but Thorin and Jogeirr's estates had been close to them. Engmarr and Helga's estate had been far to the west, Lagaertha's far to the east. Tapping those red X's, she looked to Loki. "Once you would have been involved in Odin's council, right? I'm sure he uses the same markings now."
Loki actually looked vaguely ill, and Natasha wondered if she was pushing her too far. "I don't like to think on such things."
"You have insider knowledge that we need right now."
"Because you take the expedient route," Loki snapped, eyes flashing.
"Yeah, I do. I don't like wasting time."
It clearly wasn't the answer Loki expected, as she looked away and was visibly discomfited. "Is that what this is?"
"What is?"
"This is simply a waste of your time? There is no benefit to you at all?"
Natasha could tell something else was on Loki's mind than the missing jarls, and whatever it was likely was why Loki had seemed distracted during their estate searches. "Do you want to see Asgard fall apart? Because that's where it's headed if we don't figure out who is doing this and why," she said flatly, knowing that would catch Loki's attention.
It did. "Asgard would never fall."
"Of course it will. Just because it hasn't in thousands of years doesn't mean it never will. Regimes rise and fall all the time."
Something shifted in Loki's eyes, but she looked away from Natasha to the map. "Blue is the color of death and magic, and red is associated with healing magic. Those X's are likely skirmishes that needed help from the Healing Hall." She pointed to the map right next to the collection of red X's. "That's the Healing Hall. All of the members and students there are female; the healing arts are too closely related to seidr for most Asgardians, so males would not be comfortable walking those halls."
"We're both female," Natasha pointed out. "Do we need to go there to see what happened?"
"It's a sisterhood and we're not part of it. I doubt they would answer simply because we ask. But when you were being healed before..."
"That was in the palace. I didn't go to the Healing Hall."
"Then let us go to the Infirmary," Loki murmured. "Perhaps you could ask your questions, and we will hide in the hypocaust to hear what they truly have to say."
Natasha gave her a sly smirk as she nodded and rolled up the map, replacing it back where she had hidden it in her quarters. "Then let's go."
Loki led the way to the Infirmary, where there were some Healers working on developing the poultices and draughts that sometimes were needed. Of course none of them had any idea of warriors or other jarls getting hurt recently, and none of them were aware of any trouble at the Healing Hall. Natasha thanked them, and ducked out with Loki. She turned them invisible and led Natasha to the hypocaust entrance closest to the Infirmary. They moved silently through the space between the pilae stacks, until they were underneath the Infirmary. Loki crabwalked forward, past Natasha, then pointed to the large flues in the wall. They would be able to stand there relatively comfortably, rather than trying to kneel or remain in a stooped posture beneath the Infirmary floor inside the hypocaust. Natasha shot her a smile, thankful for that, and moved to stand inside the flue. Loki stood in the flue next to hers, and cast a spell that amplified distant voices for her to hear.
"Eir," one young woman said, her voice heavily tinged with relief. "Thank the Roots, you've arrived. The Ambassador was here, asking about battles."
There was a heavy sigh, but it didn't sound as though it came from Eir. No, that voice was rather regal in tone, and came from the wall opposite the flues. "She is a warrior of a sort amongst her own people. Vigdis had helped to heal the damage in her back from one of the potions the witch Amora had tortured her with."
"Vigdis is at the Healing Hall," another voice reported.
"How could she have known that there were battles?" the first voice asked, a thread of fear there.
Eir sighed. "She is clever, for a mortal unused to our ways. I am sure that the King and Queen have asked her to look into it." There was the sound of her sitting heavily in a chair. "The cruelty behind the deaths of the jarls we've found are particularly brutal. It is not the sort of thing done on Asgard. Those karls they hung weren't responsible, not when the marks between the bodies are exactly the same. And it hasn't stopped yet..."
"What will we do?" asked the fearful voice.
"We do what we have always done. We study our craft, we make our preparations, heal those that come to our Hall with damage."
"What if Linhildr and Mabil don't return?" asked the second voice. "Their fate could be that of the jarls. If we're targeted as well... We would not be able to heal those in need."
"Healing is a hallowed art," Eir declared, voice firm. It was the tone that Natasha recognized as a commanding one, meant to calm those lower in rank. That didn't mean she was opposed to lying, as she clearly was about to do. "Healers would not be targeted in such a scheme."
Natasha rolled her eyes, suppressing the snort she wanted to make. Of course Healers would be targeted. It sounded as though two might have gone missing already. If so, whoever this was was intent on thoroughly decimating Asgard. There was no other explanation for eliminating Healers in such a clandestine manner. War would simply overwhelm them, and warriors would die off from inadequate treatment of wounds or infection, assuming such things could happen on Asgard amidst its wonders. Eliminating Healers now, while stealthily destabilizing the infrastructure of the realm, meant that the ultimate goal had to be annihilation. She didn't know enough about intergalactic or interrealm denizens to be able to guess who would want to annihilate Asgard in such a way.
The red X's on the map had to mean skirmishes where Healers could be deployed. The black ones might have been battles where the Healers hadn't been able to make headway. A handful of skittish girls with healing magic wouldn't be able to stem the tide of full on war.
It was easy to tune out the rest of the frightened chatter from the first Healer. The second was more thoughtful, and still concerned about Healer safety despite Eir's assurances. Eir eventually left, amidst promises to send a few more Healers to the palace Infirmary to help with the potions and poultices that the warrior trainees would need. Natasha took that as her cue to drop down to her knees within the hypocaust, and scurry toward Loki's flue. Her hair swung around in sweaty clumps, and her clothes stuck to her from the sweat. Tapping on Loki's leg, she waited until the goddess dropped down into an awkward crouch. "Time to go and get cleaned up."
"Heard enough?"
"Eir knows more than she's saying, of course," Natasha said, voice pitched low. "But I gather she's important among the Healers."
"First among teachers in the art," Loki nodded. She moved to hands and knees and nodded in a different direction than where they came from. "Might as well move through the hypocaust to your rooms. Less chance of detection that way."
Natasha was hopelessly lost; the hallways were easy to navigate and create mental landmarks from, but the pilae stacks all looked the same and there were no demarcations in walls to give any indication of where they were in the palace. Her knees hurt, and some of the rough stone tugged and snarled the outer robe. Bera would be most upset at the state of her dress, but that would give her and the palace weavers more to do. Natasha also knew they tended to gossip more as they worked, so that would give Bera more news to report in the morning.
Loki did steer her back toward her quarters, and dropped the illusion spell just prior to entering the suite. Bera was waiting, pacing back and forth in an agitated manner. She stopped and gaped at them when the door shut. "Look at you both! Hardly fitting for your royal titles!" she cried, throwing up her hands in exasperation at the sight of their damp, disheveled clothing and hair.
"Is there supposed to be something we're supposed to be doing?" Natasha asked, approaching the wardrobe. "I thought I had a free afternoon."
"You do. Technically. But..."
"But...?" Natasha prompted, releasing the ties and letting her outer robe fall to the floor. The kirtle clung to her, sweat making the sheer lawn practically transparent. Bera averted her eyes and bent down to pick up the outer robe and dress respectfully. Natasha smirked at Loki, who couldn't help staring at her in desire.
"You wanted news from the outer reaches of Asgard. Well, the vintner had heard from the gardeners that there was concern among the armorers and colliers, because one of the mines can no longer be accessed. It normally wouldn't be so bad a thing, but the jarls closest to that particular mine are not responding to inquiries from the karls or the ministers from the Interior Department. This has to be of interest to you, yes?"
As Bera had spoken, Natasha had stripped off the sodden material and removed her knives quickly. She gathered water from the bathroom into a large basin to give herself a quick sponge bath. Loki followed her example, making some effort not to be obvious in her ogling. "Oh, yes," Natasha agreed when Bera finished speaking. She blotted her skin dry and liberally spritzed herself with perfume before putting on a new kirtle. "Where is this mine?"
She had never been there, but the description passed along in the whispers seemed to place it at the easternmost edge of the realm. Natasha pulled a simple undergown over her head then removed the map from its hiding place in the back of her wardrobe. She unfurled it as Loki dressed, ignoring she scowls. Bera dropped the dresses she had been trying to gather and came to look at the map as well. She tapped the area, which was near the black X's marked on the map. "I think it would be somewhere hereabouts. The ores can't be brought up, so the armorers have nothing to work with, and the colliers still have all their coal. Plus, it's near the river, and that would explain the dead or missing fish."
"What dead or missing fish?" Loki piped up, leaning in against Natasha's back to look at the map. Natasha tilted her head just far enough to give her a dry expression; it wouldn't do to alarm Bera, and Loki was no doubt taking advantage of the situation.
"Oh, there is a section near the mine where nothing seems to be growing. I'm sorry, I thought I mentioned that already." Bera flushed in embarrassment, ducking her head, but Natasha touched her arm reassuringly.
"That's not like Asgard at all," Natasha murmured, perusing the map. "Perhaps I should go look for it." She startled when Bera grasped her arm. "What?"
"Nothing is growing there, Natasha. And nothing stays living there for very long."
The worry was clear in her voice, and Natasha shook off Loki long enough to give her a tight, supportive hug. "We won't be there long."
"W-we?"
"Lara and I," Natasha clarified. "We'll head out there, take a look."
"But you can't let anything happen to you... Lady Gisla's wedding is next week!"
Natasha couldn't help but laugh a little. Bera's priorities were so very different from her own. "I will keep that mind, not to worry." She turned and went to the wardrobe to pick out a dark and relatively plain outer robe to wear. Loki followed her, frowning, and selecting something similar. "I just want to take a look around, see if it might be something of concern. A scouting mission, so to speak. I won't do anything silly."
Bera looked at them dubiously, but didn't say anything to counteract her word. She merely nodded, then looked to gather up the dresses. "Just... Be careful, okay? I worry, you know."
"I know." Natasha tied the sash tightly around her waist and went to Bera's side and touched her arm. "Remember... Gathering information is one of the things I do very well on Midgard. I know how to do it and still be safe."
"You didn't put on your knives."
Grinning at Bera, Natasha nodded. "I didn't want to scare you."
"At this point, I think it scares me more when you don't wear them."
"All right, then," Natasha said, rolling up her sleeves. It was short work to strap the knives on, and she opened a drawer in the wardrobe to reveal a set of knives in sheaths that Maeginbiorn had made for her. Drawing up the skirts, she strapped them to her thighs and then checked and rearranged them so that she could reach them in a hurry through the slits in the skirt panels. She looked up at Bera with a lofted eyebrow. "Better?"
"Much," Bera replied with a nod and small smile. "At least if you're armed I know you'll be able to defend yourself against whatever is out there." She looked at Lara curiously. "What about you? Do you have knives like that?"
"Knives are one weapon I'm good at," Loki temporized. She seemed a little startled that Bera would care about her wellbeing. "I'll be safe, and help keep Natasha safe."
"All right," Bera murmured. "I'll see if there are any other whispers."
Once she was gone, Loki looked at Natasha curiously. "You didn't use any sexual wiles on her."
"Didn't have to."
"So why did you with Lady Gilla?"
"Gilla was curious and cute. Plus, it made her feel important and I could see the extent of the bruises her asshole husband left on her." Natasha's expression darkened a bit, but she didn't care if Loki could see it. Wanton abuse in any form bothered her, and she would stop it however she could whenever she could. Having been royalty, Loki probably didn't understand that impulse.
"You don't sleep with all your friends."
"No." Natasha shook out the folds of her dress to realign them. She supposed she could shut down Loki's line of thought, but she was going somewhere with it. If that somewhere ended up with a proposal of some kind, that would get shot down immediately. Loki was far too damaged to be able to do anything permanent.
But Loki didn't ask anything. She looked about ready to say something, but then shook her head and sighed. "Let's go to the mines, then."
"You're sure you're okay with that?"
"I'll be fine," Loki insisted, so Natasha merely nodded and accepted it at her word.
Loki's portal opened in a heavy treed area near the mine. The mine itself was built into a hill, the area around the opening completely devoid of life. It wasn't the usual kind of quiet from a break in shift work, and would be what the rumors had talked about. There was utter stillness, and even the river nearby didn't seem to make any noise at all. Loki's invisibility spell settled over Natasha's skin, and she looked in her general direction. "Any spells to let us communicate silently, just in case someone is in there?"
"I suppose I could craft something."
There was hesitancy in Loki's voice, and Natasha almost wished she could see Loki's expression in that moment. Perhaps it was the mine itself, too similar to the caverns in New York where Amora had held Loki captive. Perhaps it was the eerie silence, the lack of life. Perhaps it was the rumor mill finally getting to her, making her think that yes, it was a Big Deal if lower ranked jarls and the karls had gone missing. Perhaps it was her own insecurity, or not being sure where Natasha's affections were. Natasha wouldn't clear that up, either; protecting her emotions and sense of self were second nature after the Red Room's influence, and she wouldn't give that up for anyone, let alone an anxious megalomaniac without a home.
"I can go alone if it's too uncomfortable being underground," Natasha murmured. "I'm just going to take a look around, see what's going on. Recon only, no engagement."
"I can go with you," Loki replied, her voice a little stronger even if it wasn't very confident sounding at all. "You'll be better protected with me along. Especially if one of those murderous karls are around..."
"I think someone else is pulling the strings," Natasha murmured, starting to creep forward. "This is not the work of some farm or mine laborer," she said. "Torture that would turn the stomach of a trained Healer is not common. The discontent was here, but someone is looking to expand it, profit on the discord in this realm."
Loki drew in a breath, sounding almost pained as she followed Natasha. She didn't say anything, however, and Natasha didn't want to puzzle this out just yet. Loki still had to figure out quite a bit for herself, and it wouldn't be of any benefit if Natasha laid it out for her. The goddess had come a long way from who she used to be, and not just in physical appearance, but that didn't mean she couldn't go further. Loki had much to atone for if she chose to.
The office near the mine was locked, and Natasha didn't bother to open it up just yet. The mine shaft was unguarded and wide open, so she headed there. She could feel Loki's presence behind her, a faint whisper of magic tingling against her skin. Keeping a mental map of the tunnels, they walked until Natasha found the abandoned mining equipment, then further still. The lights strung across the tops of the tunnels were bright enough to light the way, though they cast odd shadows along the wall. Natasha wondered if it was because of the invisibility spell, that the light was trying to still reveal their presence, but didn't want to ask Loki. It was too quiet in the mine, and a creeping feeling began to slither up her spine.
Around another bend, she saw the reason for her unease. Dozens of karls were piled up on the floor in a haphazard manner, severed limbs and congealed blood spattered everywhere. It had been a massacre, with no sign as to motive or who it might have been.
There was the sound of a wheezing breath, likely Loki surprised by the devastation. She likely hadn't considered the possibility of something serious truly happening. Natasha turned on her heel and caught Loki's arm unerringly, propelling them out of the mine and back the way that they had come. "Can we get inside the office?" she asked quietly.
"What for?"
"I get the feeling going through the other jarls' estates won't give us much to work with."
The office was a two story building. The first floor was clear, the second was not; it looked like the interior of the mine, only this time it was the jarls that were dead and piled haphazardly in a corner of the storage room. The missing Healers were there as well, shocked expressions frozen on their faces forever.
Loki stumbled out of the offices after Natasha's steady walk, and she managed to wait until the cover of the trees before retching. "Have you seen much death up close?" Natasha asked. Loki had fought for Odin in the past, and shouldn't have been a stranger to death.
"A long time ago," Loki said after a moment, dropping their invisibility spells. She looked more shaken up by the sight than Natasha thought she would have been. "I've seen death, you know. I've seen torture."
It went unspoken between them that she had been tortured herself.
"There are dark forces at work here," Loki continued, shuddering. "I would rather pretend we had not seen this, but..."
"This is just the beginning, isn't it?"
Loki nodded miserably. "The beginning of many, I fear. Your handmaiden is concerned about the wedding next week. I'm starting to worry that there truly is no long term future for Asgard after all. I think you're right, someone wants Asgard to be utterly destroyed. Not just burn, but for all hope to be extinguished."
"Who would want to do such a thing?"
To Natasha's surprise, Loki's expression shuttered. She had seen that look before on many faces, when flashbacks grew too difficult to bear, when even contemplating the possibility of something brought on a darkness too painful to tolerate. Loki wrapped her arms around herself and looked away. "Death is coming for Asgard, Natasha. There may not be a safe place for any of us if it wins."
"So you're going to give up?" Natasha asked, eyebrow lifted slightly. "You're not even going to try to fight it?"
"Some creatures cannot be fought. Sometimes you can't win, no matter how hard you fight."
"I don't believe that," Natasha replied, voice hard and pitiless.
Loki gave her a watery smile. "I'm glad. Someone should have hope in these times."
They left the dead clearing in silence.
***
***
To Chapter Five - Between Different Worlds
Series: #11 in Ready For The Siege
(#1 - Look Over Your Shoulder, #2 - Armed Up To The Teeth, #3 - Misery Inspires, #4 - Broken Underneath, #5 - Change Is Coming Soon, #6 - Lick Your Wounds, #7 - Bitter Sparks, #8 - Father's Will, #9 - To Feel Safe Again, #10 - Hit Your Prime)
Author: Eustacia Vye
Author's e-mail: eustacia_vye28@hotmail.com
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Loki/Natasha, Natasha/OFC mentioned, Natasha/Fandral/Loki
Disclaimer: Not mine! Some comic backstory is incorporated into characterizations, but this is still primarily movieverse.
Spoilers/Warnings: Post-movie. Read the other stories before this one, because it does refer back to events in them. Additional warning for misogyny (internalized and society-driven) and references to torture.
Title and series title from "The Royal We" by Silversun Pickups
Special thanks to phoenixrising06/
romanovasledger for plotting and characterization discussion. :)
Summary: As Ambassador to Asgard, nobility didn't expect Natasha to be much more than a figurehead or diplomat. That very much was not her way, especially not when there was a mystery that needed to be solved.
Prior chapters:
One - Return To Asgard
Two - The Investigation Begins
Three - Appearances
Four - When The Heart Breaks
Though Loki and Natasha would have rather started looking into why Lord Thorin was missing, or where Lady Lagaertha might have been, Frigga sent a formal summons to see Lara. A spike of fear shot through Loki at the thought of it, especially since the formal summons specifically did not include Natasha and was set for a time when Natasha usually was in training with the warrior class or was off teaching Bera some self defense skills. Loki would have to face Frigga alone, and somehow her heart refused to let her call Frigga mother even though she desperately wanted to.
Even monsters had mothers, didn't they?
Loki wore dark blue robes shot with gold and green over a black underdress and kirtle, mostly to feel a little closer to Natasha. Of course she would deny that if asked, but no one would ask such a thing. Frigga's quarters were still bright and sunny, impossibly golden and heartbreakingly familiar. Loki wanted to run, as cowardly as that would be, but steeled herself to go forward and stand with her back ramrod straight just inside the doors.
Frigga was at her balcony overlooking the garden. "I suppose I should get used to calling you Lara for the moment."
"If that is your wish," Loki replied formally.
"How have you been adjusting to Asgard?" Frigga asked, turning around to look at her. There was that infinite kindness in her eyes, and Loki wanted to do something to take that expression off of her face. Loki was wicked, something evil that had been spawned and brought into the House of Odin like a cuckoo. Frigga shouldn't still love her.
But the thought of living without that love was bleak, and Loki couldn't bear to think of it.
"As the Ambassador's companion, I've been attending parties, social gatherings, looking into things if Natasha wishes to."
"Is there nothing you care to do for yourself?"
Frowning deeply, Loki stalked forward a few steps. "Would you have me study magic when mortals are not as skilled? Would you have me reveal myself when I fight or cast or walk through the halls I still remember? It would alert the guards that I am not who I seem to be, not exactly, and then comes my death. Is that what you wish?"
"I worry for you, Loki," Frigga murmured.
"Do you really?" she couldn't help but sneer in reply. "Where was that worry when I was nearly dying? Or lost in the Void? Or when I truly would have valued counsel?" She shook her head and half turned away. "What do you wish to hear?"
Frigga looked at her, that concern still etched across her features. "So perceptive about everyone but yourself, is that it?" she asked, walking forward. "Everything you do is to gain someone else's regard. Have you none of your own?"
It hurt to breathe. Loki wanted to lash out, make Frigga hurt as much as she did, make her feel even a fraction of the pain she had been carrying since her fall into the Void.
"Would it make a difference?" Loki sneered instead. "Regard for my capabilities will not remove the death sentence waiting for me. Regard for my knowledge won't sustain me. And there are few who would regard the siedr as much more than vile trickery." She raised her arms, pulling the outer robes tighter against her chest. "All this is a ruse, is it not? I am still the monster beneath it all. Still the creature they whisper about in the dark, still the one condemned. Nothing will change that."
She walked forward and clasped one of Loki's arms; Loki was sure that Frigga would never have attempted such a thing if she was male. Then again, the usual garb that Loki had worn as a male tended to have blades secreted throughout, and the loosely fitting robes did not readily allow knives to be carried. Natasha had found a way, of course, by subtly altering the cut and style to conceal blades strapped to her body. Perhaps Loki should start doing the same.
"You are not a monster, Loki," Frigga said firmly. "You are my child, and I know you are not a monster. You have done terrible things, but you can fix them. You can change all of that, I am certain of it."
"How would you stop me if I can't?"
Loki felt no triumph when Frigga fell silent. Natasha would have disapproved of baiting her, but Loki couldn't help herself. There was no threat of absence or death hanging over her. Frigga would forgive her anything, has forgiven her anything, even near genocide.
"So you can't."
Frigga leveled a look at Loki that could have frozen water. "Are you so determined to be killed, then? So determined to think of us as horrible?"
"What good could I possibly have been to you?"
Grasping Loki's face in her hands, there was a fierce expression on Frigga's face that Loki had never really seen before. "You were my child, mine. That was worth more to me than anything else in the Nine Realms."
"Are you proud of what you created, then, Mother? Are you still so eager to claim me, horrid creature that I am?" Loki sneered, attempting to pull away from Frigga. The goddess held fast, however, and Loki didn't want to push Frigga so hard that she would be sent reeling.
"I didn't want you to feel different-"
"But I am! I always was, and I never knew why!"
"That doesn't excuse the murder of millions!"
Loki wrenched away from Frigga. "And there it is. The condemnation I so richly deserve."
"You are so determined to suffer," Frigga sighed. "Determined to set the blame elsewhere..."
Turning her back to Frigga, Loki crossed her arms under her breasts. "Do I? I tell you that I have murdered in cold blood, that I have twisted and warped and done irreparable harm to other creatures of the Nine Realms. I nearly finished the war that Odin could not." She turned around, anger blazing in her eyes. "But nothing is good enough. I will never be worthy, because I was never meant to be anything more than a trophy. A token of Odin's good will, a treasure kept under lock and key. I could have been a great many things, but all that possibility was stolen from me, and I was shaped to be something that none would ever care for."
"I still care for you."
"And you will forever be the only one."
Frigga looked away from the flat statement, and Loki wanted to collapse and cry. She would never be worthy, never, but she tried so hard, and didn't understand where she failed so badly. It hurt, and she fiercely missed the innocent trust she had placed in Frigga and her wisdom when she was too young to truly understand. She shook off Frigga's comforting touch; she didn't deserve it, and by now knew she had to rely on herself and the deal with Natasha for any kind of peace. Frigga couldn't give it to her any longer.
"Whatever form you take," Frigga said softly, "I am your mother. That cannot be changed. There are a great many mistakes we have made along the way, but they can be corrected. The future is not set. It can be changed."
"Hel told me. I make the wrong choices, I wind up in Helheim." Loki could hear the bitterness in her voice, the dead finality. "Even you cannot erase that."
"I would not try. We all must fulfill our spá."
"Then what good are you? What good are these little talks? Balm to assuage your guilt? A way to look in and be certain that I won't suddenly turn blue and walk through the halls? I am only what you and Odin made me to be. It's not my fault if you're no longer pleased with the results."
Never mind that Loki wasn't pleased with it either.
Frigga looked about to cry, though she had her regal bearing to prevent it. Loki felt terrible, and almost wanted to beg Frigga's forgiveness. Frigga had been the one to soothe her hurts as a child, to calm her fears and quiet the nightmares. Loki had never guessed he hadn't been born to her, had felt different because of other reasons. Not once had he ever felt neglected, shunned or unloved as now she claimed to be.
"Then perhaps there truly is nothing left for you in Asgard." Frigga gestured toward her door and turned to walk back to her balcony. "There was no purpose in returning, and I truly only have one child now."
Heart breaking, Loki left without a word, quietly closing the door behind her.
***
"What is your earliest memory?" Loki asked quietly, sitting beside Natasha on a stone bench in Frigga's garden. This was one of the places that had always helped to settle Loki's mind before, and sharing it with Natasha seemed to make it almost holy.
She turned toward Loki, her expression neutral. "Why?"
"My earliest memory is being here. I was quite small, and I had a nightmare. I don't remember what it was now, but then it seemed very frightening. My mo-" Loki's voice choked off and she looked at one of the flowering bushes in the distance. "She didn't come as she usually did, though I called for her, and I crept my way here. But it was dark, and the flowers didn't bloom yet, and I needed to see them. So I created a sun above the garden, bright enough to make them bloom and give me comfort. It was my first working of the seidr, completely by instinct. She began to teach me after that, spell after spell after spell. The spá was difficult, but runic magic and the seidr came naturally to me."
"That set you apart as a boy."
Loki managed not to shudder. "There were differences beside that, but when some of the warriors knew I could work the seidr... It simply wasn't done," she said, turning to look at Natasha. "It was not seemly. It was... Do you know the term ergi?" she asked, waiting for Natasha to shake her head. Loki was sure that Natasha must have heard the term, or at least the concept of it from others tutoring her about Asgard. "It's an insult. It's unmanliness. It's... I would be mocked, not trusted, yet used when they had need of me."
"Frigga mentioned it a little."
"I was good at seidr. Almost as good as she is. She was my teacher, and I would have done anything to please her." She fell silent, feeling her throat constrict painfully. "I thought she was my mother, and that she knew best."
"She planned for you to use your magic to help Thor in his rule. That you would hold a position even higher than that of a High Chamberlain."
Loki turned to look at Natasha in disbelief. "Not possible, not if I was so tainted by ergi." She shook her head. "The only way to prove I was fit to rule was through war. Through death and destruction, to prove I could be as strong as Odin."
"That's what she told me," Natasha told Loki quietly. "She didn't seem to be lying about that."
"Others would not have trusted my counsel if I were to practice openly."
"She also planned for Sif to marry Thor."
"Ah." Loki smiled, though it faltered after a time. "Well. Maybe once, that plan may have worked, but not now."
"No, not now."
They fell into silence, and Loki chanced to take Natasha's hand. When she allowed it, Loki's heart sang painfully in her chest. "And you?" she asked. "Your earliest memory?"
"Fire," Natasha remarked, voice devoid of emotion. Loki could tell this was truth, though she couldn't have said how she knew. "The building was burning down, and I think my father was already dead. My mother and I were trapped in a corner room, no way out. She threw me from the window, begging the men in the crowd to catch me, to see me safe. She was in the process of coming through after me when the roof collapsed. Then the entire building went up in flames."
Loki was very still. "She gave her life for you."
"I don't know her name," Natasha said, shrugging. She wasn't looking at Loki, but at the edge of statuary that could be seen through the floral arrangements of the garden. Loki doubted she was really seeing it, though. "I know I was born Natalia Alianovna Romanova, but that only tells me what my father's name was." She turned toward Loki, her expression perfectly blank. Loki found it disturbing, given the content of their conversation. "Russians use patronymics, too. So I know my father's name but not hers. I remember her face, but not his."
"How old were you?" Loki asked softly, not wanting to break this spell.
"I must have been five. I don't remember anything before that."
"After that was your training, that time you mentioned when your life was not your own."
"Yes." She turned away. "It wasn't my own again for a long time."
"How did you do it?"
"That's a story for a different day," she said, no inflection in her tone.
"I would guess Yelena was involved," Loki said, not sure why she would say such a thing. No, that wasn't entirely correct. Jealousy was why, though it made no sense. She hadn't heard of Yelena until relatively recently, and Natasha had claimed her before that. Yelena hadn't been involved in Natasha's life for a very long time. Clint hadn't mentioned the name to Loki while he was under the Tesseract control.
"Jealousy doesn't suit you," Natasha said dryly, correctly naming Loki's tortured emotional state.
Loki didn't want to argue, but she felt as though her claim on Natasha was even more tenuous here than on Midgard. On Midgard, Natasha nominally needed her, which gave her a sense of purpose. She wasn't trying to rule that realm, or even a small part of it, and she wasn't actively scheming to compromise anyone's integrity. To be honest, she was out of sorts, but Natasha's requests gave her something to do. On Asgard, she had no purpose at all. She wasn't even Loki here to anyone but Natasha and Frigga, and perhaps Heimdall. To everyone else, she was simply a mortal companion to keep Natasha company between feasts and balls.
"There is nothing for me here or there," Loki said quietly. She recalled one of her conversations with Bruce Banner and sighed. "I have no home, do I?"
"You called this home."
"Home is not a place where you would be executed for revealing yourself."
"Do you blame them?"
Eyes flashing, she bared her teeth at Natasha. But even that momentary flash of anger died. "I suppose I don't."
Even Hel didn't want her in Helheim. There was no place for Loki to go to, and she had brought this all on herself. She couldn't even see a way out.
"There is nothing here. All have been driven away, bonds broken. There is no redemption for the likes of me," she said softly.
"It's only there if you want to take it."
"How did you?" Loki asked, brows furrowed. "If your life was not your own, your mind not even your own, how did you know how to start over?"
"At first, I didn't. And I didn't need to. I did what I knew, that was it. There's no absolution for what I did, so why even try?"
"But you do. Your ledger..."
"Is about balance," she interrupted gently. "It doesn't erase the past. Wiping my ledger clean doesn't erase the prior entries. It simply brings everything into balance."
"Can there be balance?"
She smiled, a true and beautiful one that Loki had very rarely seen. "I'll make sure of it."
"And if I do as you do..."
"It will give you something to do." Natasha tilted her head to the side, contemplating Loki. "It won't matter to you the same way. It doesn't have the same meaning, but it will give you something to do."
"You don't think much of me sometimes, do you?" Loki asked, pain in her voice.
"I'm not a role model," Natasha corrected with a shake of her head. "I shouldn't be your guide for proper behavior."
"I do not fit into the roles Asgard would give me."
"No, I don't think you would anymore," she agreed, nodding. Rising to her feet, she pulled Loki with her. "You've changed, and this place hasn't. But I think there are a lot more discontents here than just you."
"What do you mean?"
"Even here, there are whispers. And someone like me without enough to do here..."
"You've always listened to whispers," Loki said, an appreciative smile creeping onto her face.
"You must have dozens of hiding places in the palace, secret ways in and out that would allow us to go hunting in the shadows."
"What will we look for?" Loki asked, feeling a curl of excitement begin to grow in her belly. It was almost as enticing as Natasha taking control.
"Whatever there is to find. I have a feeling there will be enough here to surprise you."
Loki grinned, teeth sharp and eyes bright. She felt like a predator again, like someone powerful and useful and necessary. "Let's go see what the shadows tell us."
***
Considering that Engmarr, Helga and Lagaertha had all been kind to the karls on their estates, as opposed to Jogeirr and apparently Thorin, it wasn't a distinct pattern of karls rising up to torture and kill the jarls that had oppressed them. Natasha unfurled the map Loki had copied from Odin's study once they were back from Thorin's estate. Loki had sensed the presence of another portal in Lagaertha's estate, but not on Thorin's property. "All that seems to mean is that whoever it was that took them was more comfortable entering their homes if they were nice," Natasha said. "I would think that means our killers knew the jarls well."
"Of course they would, if they were karls."
"They aren't widely traveled for such a small realm," Natasha disagreed, catching her lower lip between her teeth as she studied the map. Her eyes took in the overall shape of things, the different markings Odin had used as well as her own now for the missing jarls. She wasn't entirely sure what the red X's were on the map, but Thorin and Jogeirr's estates had been close to them. Engmarr and Helga's estate had been far to the west, Lagaertha's far to the east. Tapping those red X's, she looked to Loki. "Once you would have been involved in Odin's council, right? I'm sure he uses the same markings now."
Loki actually looked vaguely ill, and Natasha wondered if she was pushing her too far. "I don't like to think on such things."
"You have insider knowledge that we need right now."
"Because you take the expedient route," Loki snapped, eyes flashing.
"Yeah, I do. I don't like wasting time."
It clearly wasn't the answer Loki expected, as she looked away and was visibly discomfited. "Is that what this is?"
"What is?"
"This is simply a waste of your time? There is no benefit to you at all?"
Natasha could tell something else was on Loki's mind than the missing jarls, and whatever it was likely was why Loki had seemed distracted during their estate searches. "Do you want to see Asgard fall apart? Because that's where it's headed if we don't figure out who is doing this and why," she said flatly, knowing that would catch Loki's attention.
It did. "Asgard would never fall."
"Of course it will. Just because it hasn't in thousands of years doesn't mean it never will. Regimes rise and fall all the time."
Something shifted in Loki's eyes, but she looked away from Natasha to the map. "Blue is the color of death and magic, and red is associated with healing magic. Those X's are likely skirmishes that needed help from the Healing Hall." She pointed to the map right next to the collection of red X's. "That's the Healing Hall. All of the members and students there are female; the healing arts are too closely related to seidr for most Asgardians, so males would not be comfortable walking those halls."
"We're both female," Natasha pointed out. "Do we need to go there to see what happened?"
"It's a sisterhood and we're not part of it. I doubt they would answer simply because we ask. But when you were being healed before..."
"That was in the palace. I didn't go to the Healing Hall."
"Then let us go to the Infirmary," Loki murmured. "Perhaps you could ask your questions, and we will hide in the hypocaust to hear what they truly have to say."
Natasha gave her a sly smirk as she nodded and rolled up the map, replacing it back where she had hidden it in her quarters. "Then let's go."
Loki led the way to the Infirmary, where there were some Healers working on developing the poultices and draughts that sometimes were needed. Of course none of them had any idea of warriors or other jarls getting hurt recently, and none of them were aware of any trouble at the Healing Hall. Natasha thanked them, and ducked out with Loki. She turned them invisible and led Natasha to the hypocaust entrance closest to the Infirmary. They moved silently through the space between the pilae stacks, until they were underneath the Infirmary. Loki crabwalked forward, past Natasha, then pointed to the large flues in the wall. They would be able to stand there relatively comfortably, rather than trying to kneel or remain in a stooped posture beneath the Infirmary floor inside the hypocaust. Natasha shot her a smile, thankful for that, and moved to stand inside the flue. Loki stood in the flue next to hers, and cast a spell that amplified distant voices for her to hear.
"Eir," one young woman said, her voice heavily tinged with relief. "Thank the Roots, you've arrived. The Ambassador was here, asking about battles."
There was a heavy sigh, but it didn't sound as though it came from Eir. No, that voice was rather regal in tone, and came from the wall opposite the flues. "She is a warrior of a sort amongst her own people. Vigdis had helped to heal the damage in her back from one of the potions the witch Amora had tortured her with."
"Vigdis is at the Healing Hall," another voice reported.
"How could she have known that there were battles?" the first voice asked, a thread of fear there.
Eir sighed. "She is clever, for a mortal unused to our ways. I am sure that the King and Queen have asked her to look into it." There was the sound of her sitting heavily in a chair. "The cruelty behind the deaths of the jarls we've found are particularly brutal. It is not the sort of thing done on Asgard. Those karls they hung weren't responsible, not when the marks between the bodies are exactly the same. And it hasn't stopped yet..."
"What will we do?" asked the fearful voice.
"We do what we have always done. We study our craft, we make our preparations, heal those that come to our Hall with damage."
"What if Linhildr and Mabil don't return?" asked the second voice. "Their fate could be that of the jarls. If we're targeted as well... We would not be able to heal those in need."
"Healing is a hallowed art," Eir declared, voice firm. It was the tone that Natasha recognized as a commanding one, meant to calm those lower in rank. That didn't mean she was opposed to lying, as she clearly was about to do. "Healers would not be targeted in such a scheme."
Natasha rolled her eyes, suppressing the snort she wanted to make. Of course Healers would be targeted. It sounded as though two might have gone missing already. If so, whoever this was was intent on thoroughly decimating Asgard. There was no other explanation for eliminating Healers in such a clandestine manner. War would simply overwhelm them, and warriors would die off from inadequate treatment of wounds or infection, assuming such things could happen on Asgard amidst its wonders. Eliminating Healers now, while stealthily destabilizing the infrastructure of the realm, meant that the ultimate goal had to be annihilation. She didn't know enough about intergalactic or interrealm denizens to be able to guess who would want to annihilate Asgard in such a way.
The red X's on the map had to mean skirmishes where Healers could be deployed. The black ones might have been battles where the Healers hadn't been able to make headway. A handful of skittish girls with healing magic wouldn't be able to stem the tide of full on war.
It was easy to tune out the rest of the frightened chatter from the first Healer. The second was more thoughtful, and still concerned about Healer safety despite Eir's assurances. Eir eventually left, amidst promises to send a few more Healers to the palace Infirmary to help with the potions and poultices that the warrior trainees would need. Natasha took that as her cue to drop down to her knees within the hypocaust, and scurry toward Loki's flue. Her hair swung around in sweaty clumps, and her clothes stuck to her from the sweat. Tapping on Loki's leg, she waited until the goddess dropped down into an awkward crouch. "Time to go and get cleaned up."
"Heard enough?"
"Eir knows more than she's saying, of course," Natasha said, voice pitched low. "But I gather she's important among the Healers."
"First among teachers in the art," Loki nodded. She moved to hands and knees and nodded in a different direction than where they came from. "Might as well move through the hypocaust to your rooms. Less chance of detection that way."
Natasha was hopelessly lost; the hallways were easy to navigate and create mental landmarks from, but the pilae stacks all looked the same and there were no demarcations in walls to give any indication of where they were in the palace. Her knees hurt, and some of the rough stone tugged and snarled the outer robe. Bera would be most upset at the state of her dress, but that would give her and the palace weavers more to do. Natasha also knew they tended to gossip more as they worked, so that would give Bera more news to report in the morning.
Loki did steer her back toward her quarters, and dropped the illusion spell just prior to entering the suite. Bera was waiting, pacing back and forth in an agitated manner. She stopped and gaped at them when the door shut. "Look at you both! Hardly fitting for your royal titles!" she cried, throwing up her hands in exasperation at the sight of their damp, disheveled clothing and hair.
"Is there supposed to be something we're supposed to be doing?" Natasha asked, approaching the wardrobe. "I thought I had a free afternoon."
"You do. Technically. But..."
"But...?" Natasha prompted, releasing the ties and letting her outer robe fall to the floor. The kirtle clung to her, sweat making the sheer lawn practically transparent. Bera averted her eyes and bent down to pick up the outer robe and dress respectfully. Natasha smirked at Loki, who couldn't help staring at her in desire.
"You wanted news from the outer reaches of Asgard. Well, the vintner had heard from the gardeners that there was concern among the armorers and colliers, because one of the mines can no longer be accessed. It normally wouldn't be so bad a thing, but the jarls closest to that particular mine are not responding to inquiries from the karls or the ministers from the Interior Department. This has to be of interest to you, yes?"
As Bera had spoken, Natasha had stripped off the sodden material and removed her knives quickly. She gathered water from the bathroom into a large basin to give herself a quick sponge bath. Loki followed her example, making some effort not to be obvious in her ogling. "Oh, yes," Natasha agreed when Bera finished speaking. She blotted her skin dry and liberally spritzed herself with perfume before putting on a new kirtle. "Where is this mine?"
She had never been there, but the description passed along in the whispers seemed to place it at the easternmost edge of the realm. Natasha pulled a simple undergown over her head then removed the map from its hiding place in the back of her wardrobe. She unfurled it as Loki dressed, ignoring she scowls. Bera dropped the dresses she had been trying to gather and came to look at the map as well. She tapped the area, which was near the black X's marked on the map. "I think it would be somewhere hereabouts. The ores can't be brought up, so the armorers have nothing to work with, and the colliers still have all their coal. Plus, it's near the river, and that would explain the dead or missing fish."
"What dead or missing fish?" Loki piped up, leaning in against Natasha's back to look at the map. Natasha tilted her head just far enough to give her a dry expression; it wouldn't do to alarm Bera, and Loki was no doubt taking advantage of the situation.
"Oh, there is a section near the mine where nothing seems to be growing. I'm sorry, I thought I mentioned that already." Bera flushed in embarrassment, ducking her head, but Natasha touched her arm reassuringly.
"That's not like Asgard at all," Natasha murmured, perusing the map. "Perhaps I should go look for it." She startled when Bera grasped her arm. "What?"
"Nothing is growing there, Natasha. And nothing stays living there for very long."
The worry was clear in her voice, and Natasha shook off Loki long enough to give her a tight, supportive hug. "We won't be there long."
"W-we?"
"Lara and I," Natasha clarified. "We'll head out there, take a look."
"But you can't let anything happen to you... Lady Gisla's wedding is next week!"
Natasha couldn't help but laugh a little. Bera's priorities were so very different from her own. "I will keep that mind, not to worry." She turned and went to the wardrobe to pick out a dark and relatively plain outer robe to wear. Loki followed her, frowning, and selecting something similar. "I just want to take a look around, see if it might be something of concern. A scouting mission, so to speak. I won't do anything silly."
Bera looked at them dubiously, but didn't say anything to counteract her word. She merely nodded, then looked to gather up the dresses. "Just... Be careful, okay? I worry, you know."
"I know." Natasha tied the sash tightly around her waist and went to Bera's side and touched her arm. "Remember... Gathering information is one of the things I do very well on Midgard. I know how to do it and still be safe."
"You didn't put on your knives."
Grinning at Bera, Natasha nodded. "I didn't want to scare you."
"At this point, I think it scares me more when you don't wear them."
"All right, then," Natasha said, rolling up her sleeves. It was short work to strap the knives on, and she opened a drawer in the wardrobe to reveal a set of knives in sheaths that Maeginbiorn had made for her. Drawing up the skirts, she strapped them to her thighs and then checked and rearranged them so that she could reach them in a hurry through the slits in the skirt panels. She looked up at Bera with a lofted eyebrow. "Better?"
"Much," Bera replied with a nod and small smile. "At least if you're armed I know you'll be able to defend yourself against whatever is out there." She looked at Lara curiously. "What about you? Do you have knives like that?"
"Knives are one weapon I'm good at," Loki temporized. She seemed a little startled that Bera would care about her wellbeing. "I'll be safe, and help keep Natasha safe."
"All right," Bera murmured. "I'll see if there are any other whispers."
Once she was gone, Loki looked at Natasha curiously. "You didn't use any sexual wiles on her."
"Didn't have to."
"So why did you with Lady Gilla?"
"Gilla was curious and cute. Plus, it made her feel important and I could see the extent of the bruises her asshole husband left on her." Natasha's expression darkened a bit, but she didn't care if Loki could see it. Wanton abuse in any form bothered her, and she would stop it however she could whenever she could. Having been royalty, Loki probably didn't understand that impulse.
"You don't sleep with all your friends."
"No." Natasha shook out the folds of her dress to realign them. She supposed she could shut down Loki's line of thought, but she was going somewhere with it. If that somewhere ended up with a proposal of some kind, that would get shot down immediately. Loki was far too damaged to be able to do anything permanent.
But Loki didn't ask anything. She looked about ready to say something, but then shook her head and sighed. "Let's go to the mines, then."
"You're sure you're okay with that?"
"I'll be fine," Loki insisted, so Natasha merely nodded and accepted it at her word.
Loki's portal opened in a heavy treed area near the mine. The mine itself was built into a hill, the area around the opening completely devoid of life. It wasn't the usual kind of quiet from a break in shift work, and would be what the rumors had talked about. There was utter stillness, and even the river nearby didn't seem to make any noise at all. Loki's invisibility spell settled over Natasha's skin, and she looked in her general direction. "Any spells to let us communicate silently, just in case someone is in there?"
"I suppose I could craft something."
There was hesitancy in Loki's voice, and Natasha almost wished she could see Loki's expression in that moment. Perhaps it was the mine itself, too similar to the caverns in New York where Amora had held Loki captive. Perhaps it was the eerie silence, the lack of life. Perhaps it was the rumor mill finally getting to her, making her think that yes, it was a Big Deal if lower ranked jarls and the karls had gone missing. Perhaps it was her own insecurity, or not being sure where Natasha's affections were. Natasha wouldn't clear that up, either; protecting her emotions and sense of self were second nature after the Red Room's influence, and she wouldn't give that up for anyone, let alone an anxious megalomaniac without a home.
"I can go alone if it's too uncomfortable being underground," Natasha murmured. "I'm just going to take a look around, see what's going on. Recon only, no engagement."
"I can go with you," Loki replied, her voice a little stronger even if it wasn't very confident sounding at all. "You'll be better protected with me along. Especially if one of those murderous karls are around..."
"I think someone else is pulling the strings," Natasha murmured, starting to creep forward. "This is not the work of some farm or mine laborer," she said. "Torture that would turn the stomach of a trained Healer is not common. The discontent was here, but someone is looking to expand it, profit on the discord in this realm."
Loki drew in a breath, sounding almost pained as she followed Natasha. She didn't say anything, however, and Natasha didn't want to puzzle this out just yet. Loki still had to figure out quite a bit for herself, and it wouldn't be of any benefit if Natasha laid it out for her. The goddess had come a long way from who she used to be, and not just in physical appearance, but that didn't mean she couldn't go further. Loki had much to atone for if she chose to.
The office near the mine was locked, and Natasha didn't bother to open it up just yet. The mine shaft was unguarded and wide open, so she headed there. She could feel Loki's presence behind her, a faint whisper of magic tingling against her skin. Keeping a mental map of the tunnels, they walked until Natasha found the abandoned mining equipment, then further still. The lights strung across the tops of the tunnels were bright enough to light the way, though they cast odd shadows along the wall. Natasha wondered if it was because of the invisibility spell, that the light was trying to still reveal their presence, but didn't want to ask Loki. It was too quiet in the mine, and a creeping feeling began to slither up her spine.
Around another bend, she saw the reason for her unease. Dozens of karls were piled up on the floor in a haphazard manner, severed limbs and congealed blood spattered everywhere. It had been a massacre, with no sign as to motive or who it might have been.
There was the sound of a wheezing breath, likely Loki surprised by the devastation. She likely hadn't considered the possibility of something serious truly happening. Natasha turned on her heel and caught Loki's arm unerringly, propelling them out of the mine and back the way that they had come. "Can we get inside the office?" she asked quietly.
"What for?"
"I get the feeling going through the other jarls' estates won't give us much to work with."
The office was a two story building. The first floor was clear, the second was not; it looked like the interior of the mine, only this time it was the jarls that were dead and piled haphazardly in a corner of the storage room. The missing Healers were there as well, shocked expressions frozen on their faces forever.
Loki stumbled out of the offices after Natasha's steady walk, and she managed to wait until the cover of the trees before retching. "Have you seen much death up close?" Natasha asked. Loki had fought for Odin in the past, and shouldn't have been a stranger to death.
"A long time ago," Loki said after a moment, dropping their invisibility spells. She looked more shaken up by the sight than Natasha thought she would have been. "I've seen death, you know. I've seen torture."
It went unspoken between them that she had been tortured herself.
"There are dark forces at work here," Loki continued, shuddering. "I would rather pretend we had not seen this, but..."
"This is just the beginning, isn't it?"
Loki nodded miserably. "The beginning of many, I fear. Your handmaiden is concerned about the wedding next week. I'm starting to worry that there truly is no long term future for Asgard after all. I think you're right, someone wants Asgard to be utterly destroyed. Not just burn, but for all hope to be extinguished."
"Who would want to do such a thing?"
To Natasha's surprise, Loki's expression shuttered. She had seen that look before on many faces, when flashbacks grew too difficult to bear, when even contemplating the possibility of something brought on a darkness too painful to tolerate. Loki wrapped her arms around herself and looked away. "Death is coming for Asgard, Natasha. There may not be a safe place for any of us if it wins."
"So you're going to give up?" Natasha asked, eyebrow lifted slightly. "You're not even going to try to fight it?"
"Some creatures cannot be fought. Sometimes you can't win, no matter how hard you fight."
"I don't believe that," Natasha replied, voice hard and pitiless.
Loki gave her a watery smile. "I'm glad. Someone should have hope in these times."
They left the dead clearing in silence.
***
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To Chapter Five - Between Different Worlds