Open Your Eyes, 5/5. NC-17
Title: Open Your Eyes
Series: #11 in Ready For The Siege
(#1 - Look Over Your Shoulder, #2 - Armed Up To The Teeth, #3 - Misery Inspires, #4 - Broken Underneath, #5 - Change Is Coming Soon, #6 - Lick Your Wounds, #7 - Bitter Sparks, #8 - Father's Will, #9 - To Feel Safe Again, #10 - Hit Your Prime)
Author: Eustacia Vye
Author's e-mail: eustacia_vye28@hotmail.com
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Loki/Natasha, Natasha/OFC mentioned, Natasha/Fandral/Loki
Disclaimer: Not mine! Some comic backstory is incorporated into characterizations, but this is still primarily movieverse.
Spoilers/Warnings: Post-movie. Read the other stories before this one, because it does refer back to events in them. Additional warning for misogyny (internalized and society-driven) and references to torture.
Title and series title from "The Royal We" by Silversun Pickups
Special thanks to phoenixrising06/
romanovasledger for plotting and characterization discussion. :)
Summary: As Ambassador to Asgard, nobility didn't expect Natasha to be much more than a figurehead or diplomat. That very much was not her way, especially not when there was a mystery that needed to be solved.
Prior chapters:
One - Return To Asgard
Two - The Investigation Begins
Three - Appearances
Four - When The Heart Breaks
Five - Between Different Worlds
Loki refused to discuss potential antagonists to Asgard and Odin refused to see Natasha, no matter how many requests she put in. Frigga was very quiet and ultimately told Natasha that she would talk with him, but Loki knew it was a temporizing measure. Neither would want to admit that there were dark forces on Asgard. It was simpler if it was simply a handful of jarls and karls fighting. It was easier to ignore the incoming darkness. Loki was just as guilty; she didn't go with Natasha when she met with Heimdall, Sif, Thor or the Warriors Three to discuss her concerns about the things they had found. She stayed in bed during those meetings, blankets pulled up over her head and warning spells laced around the room. She didn't feel safe, she felt hunted, and she knew she had every right to be.
Death stalked Asgard, even if Odin didn't want to see it.
Lady Gisla marrying Lord Agni was a large social event; while neither noble were in the higher ranks, Gisla's aunt was the widow of greater jarl Lord Thorki, who had died in battle against the Jotnar years before. This allowed Gisla to invite a number of greater jarls she might not have been able to otherwise. This included Natasha, as her title of Ambassador gave her presumed royal status. She was allowed to bring a guest with her; any servants she required didn't add to the guest list, as they were expected to stay out of the main party area.
Loki supposed she shouldn't have been upset by Natasha thinking to ask Fandral to be her plus one; he was one of Thor's friends and a jarl in his own right. Meanwhile, Lara was human and just a friend of Natasha's. Only Bera knew that Lara was potentially more. As much as she really shouldn't have been upset, she was. Seducing Gilla for information about society was Natasha's way, and Loki knew this from that past mission with Emilia. But there was nothing to gain from Fandral in this instance, and Natasha had said that Fandral didn't have much to contribute to the discussion about the dead jarls and karls. Loki found it disturbing how quickly Natasha thought of him for the wedding and was certain he would accept the invitation. She didn't want to ask and confirm it, but Loki was certain that Natasha had shared Fandral's bed before. Chest aching desperately, Loki begged to accompany her to the wedding as a handmaiden, if only to be on the lookout for magic being used to accost the jarls. It was an easy excuse; the bloody mine was still easily at the forefront of their minds.
The wedding itself was a standard union ceremony. Gisla was beaming the entire time, and Agni was visibly pleased at the union and the assemblage present to witness it. Immediately following the ceremony, guests were invited to feast and dance in celebration within Agni's family home. Loki kept to the outer edges of the crowd as expected of a handmaiden, jealousy making her feel physically ill as she watched Fandral and Natasha dance. It was nothing overt, but Loki could see the knowing way that Fandral touched her. He was familiar with her body, the sensual pleasures that touch could give her. Loki didn't want to see the way they smiled at each other, knowing lovers' smiles, and edged further along the ballroom.
Close to Lady Drifa and her ilk, Loki paused when she heard the phrase "...so disgusting." Loki could feel her rage build. How dare that cow speak about Natasha this way? "She shouldn't have come here. They call it confinement for a reason."
Following her line of sight, Loki looked and saw a very largely pregnant woman sitting at a table. She was looking at her husband lovingly, and he was attending to her with a mirroring expression. Rather than be disgusted as Drifa was, Loki looked at the couple with longing. There was so much love between the two of them, such happiness and joy in each other and their future offspring. It made her heart ache, and she wished Natasha could look at her that way. Loki knew it could never happen, she had done too much evil to her and her friends, but it was something that Loki still longed for desperately.
Eventually, cheeks delightfully flushed, Natasha found Loki in the crowd. "Hey. You can head back if you want. Fandral and I are going for a walk."
Panic flared in her chest, something sharp and ugly. Natasha was leaving her, Natasha didn't want her, Natasha found someone better. Fandral would be a generous and kind lover, and for all of his flippant ways, he had never boasted of conquests in vulgar terms. Loki knew that about him, even if they were no longer friends.
Leaping to her feet, Loki pasted a smile on her face. Natasha couldn't leave without her. Loki would do anything to stay with her, anything to make Natasha see her. Her entire world was twisted inside out, and she couldn't let Natasha go. "I'll go with you."
"We're not really walking in a garden," she replied, voice dropping to a whisper. Her eyes shone and her lips quirked in amusement.
Anger flared in Loki's heart along with jealousy and intense loneliness. Did Natasha think that Loki was a fool? "I know. I'll go with you and keep you safe. After what we found last week... Where you go, I go."
Natasha shrugged, the sparkle in her eyes not diminished in the slightest. "Fine, then. I suppose we could always explain it as you joining in. It'll be fun, and he's the type to want to want to try that if he hasn't already. C'mon."
Loki followed her to a garden, where Fandral was off in the distance waiting. He lofted an eyebrow at her when he saw Loki, and Natasha nodded with a smile. Loki pushed aside the urge to run away. By the Tree, this was Fandral, and they had grown up together. But Loki couldn't back down from her bluff, and had to play the role she cast for herself. Fandral grinned in answer to Natasha's unspoken explanation, then jerked his head in the direction they had to go. She followed Natasha, not paying attention to where exactly they were going. The two had such fluid communication with gestures. Was this the kind of thing that Natasha did when not investigating things? How could she shrug off the nightmarish visions of death so easily?
Fandral led them to an inn not that far from the inner areas of Asgard near the palace. He silently pointed to the second floor as he removed a key from his pocket and slipped inside. Loki felt sick to her stomach; they had been planning this for some time, then, and Natasha would have left Loki behind. Natasha didn't need her, after all.
The room was large and comfortable, with a four poster bed, thick feather down quilts and hangings on the bed to lock in warmth. A fire burned merrily in the hearth, a ewer of water nearby and a stack of small towels for washing. It was meant to invoke the comforts of home to a weary traveler, a place to rest and relax before continuing across Asgard or before participating in a nearby festival.
"I didn't obtain food or drink," Fandral told them apologetically, removing his decorative ceremonial sword from his waist. "I thought there would be refreshment enough obtained at the wedding, no need for more now."
Natasha reached out to grasp Fandral's outer tunic in one hand to pull him down for a kiss. It was utterly filthy, something that made Loki feel at once embarrassed and turned on. "You're talking too much, Fandral. We're going to keep you very busy."
Loki could feel desire pool in her belly at that purr, and Natasha was utterly lovely in Fandral's arms. Her mouth went dry when Natasha reached behind her for Loki, then turned to beckon her forward. "Don't be left out, Lara."
Her reply was swallowed up inside Natasha's kiss, and Fandral moved so that he could loop an arm around Loki as well as Natasha. That hand pulled at one of the ties in her robe, loosening it. Natasha helped, a naughty smirk on her face as the dress puddle around Loki's feet on the floor. "So pretty," she purred, before pulling Loki down by the back of her neck to give her a filthy kiss. "It'll be so much fun for us to fuck you, won't it?"
Loki could only whimper as Natasha kissed her and Fandral started to caress her breasts. She had to blot out the fact that this was Fandral, that she had known this warrior when she was a boy, and focus on Natasha. The flame-haired spy was the center of her existence now. How had that happened? How had she become so vital to Loki? She closed her eyes and tried to lose herself in Natasha's kiss. This must be what Natasha felt when Loki used her magic, too many hands and limbs pressing into her body and making her feel. Sensation crowded out any other thought or worry.
The kirtle fell to the floor, and Fandral's hands were over bare skin, then skimming down her belly to the juncture of her thighs. His lips were at the back of her neck, beneath the upswept hair, then he moved to kiss his way down her spine. Natasha started to walk backward toward the bed, pulling along Loki and Fandral by extension. She sat at the edge and pulled Loki down beside her, turning her so that Loki was lying on her back with her legs spread. Fandral easily knelt between them and started to kiss and lick his way between her thighs, knowledgeable lips and tongue working something almost like magic. Natasha bent down to kiss her mouth, one hand keeping herself braced and the other caressing one of her breasts. Loki grasped Natasha desperately, gasping into her mouth, and the other hand pulled at the blanket beneath her.
The pleasure crashed into her abruptly, and she cried out into Natasha's kiss. She backed up, lips caught in a pleased smile. Fandral still licked at her clit, one finger working inside of her, and Loki moaned as she watched Natasha open the clasps keeping the top of her dress together. Her arms slid easily out of the top of her kirtle, leaving her bare to the waist. Her come-hither look at Loki made her mouth water in desire. Loki greedily reached for her to suckle one perfect breast, feeling as though perhaps this wasn't such an awful idea after all. She could forget about the man that once had been a fellow warrior. She could focus on the woman in her arms.
Loki pulled at the skirt of Natasha's breast, pushing aside fabric until she could feel the smooth skin of her thigh. She was overwhelmed by the sensations flooding through her, hips bucking against Fandral's mouth and hand. Natasha pinched a nipple just right, enough to make her catch her breath and suck a little harder on Natasha. That made her hum happily and say "Just like that, you know what I like," close to Loki's ear.
Her voice was like magic all of its own. Loki came again, hands clutching tight onto Natasha's thigh. She would likely leave a bruise, even with her fast healing.
Fandral sat back and watched as Loki pulled Natasha closer. She hiked up her skirt and straddled Loki's head, then beckoned Fandral to come up on the bed. As Loki licked into her, she pulled Fandral closer to kiss him. He helped hold her upright with one arm and stroked one breast with the other. Natasha rocked a little against Loki's lips and tongue, her quiet moans swallowed by Fandral's tongue in her mouth. Loki could ignore Fandral's presence, could keep her eyes shut and simply savor the taste of Natasha, her little mewls and the rocking of her hips. Loki grasped Natasha tightly and lifted her head a little to delve her tongue deeper inside her. She could almost feel the seductive lethargy in her limbs, the worry and fear about Natasha's emotions falling away from her. It didn't matter anymore. Only this moment did, only hearing her gasps, only knowing that Natasha was pleased, Natasha was happy, Loki could do this for her. She was coming apart at the seams, shaking from the pleasure, and it was because Loki knew what she liked, knew what pleased her. For once, Loki could do something right.
Disappointed when Natasha moved off of her, Loki rose onto her elbows. She had a smile on her face, which helped ease Loki's budding distress. Flopping onto her back with a playful dramatic flair that Loki so rarely saw, Natasha stretched out and gestured from Fandral to Loki. "Hey, give me a moment to recover. Can you take care of Lara for me?"
"It would be a delight," Fandral replied, giving her a courtly nod. He slid off the bed and walked around it before coming to Loki's side. He stretched out beside her, and Loki was startled to see bare flesh next to her. When had he gotten undressed? She had lost sight of that. His hands sliding across her body felt good, his kiss was pleasurable. It was the sensation of his cock against her thigh, heavy and wet at the tip, that made panic pierce the lassitude that was starting to build. Fandral didn't notice her eyes widen in panic, as he was dropping feathery kisses along the rise of one breast. If that was all he had done, Loki would have remained comfortable. But suddenly the realization that Fandral would penetrate her body, he would fuck her the way that Natasha had... No. Her entire soul rebelled at the sense of wrongness.
Loki slithered out from under him and nearly fell off the bed. Fandral blinked at her in surprise and sat up. "Lara?" he asked, confused. "Are you all right?"
Natasha sat up, and Loki couldn't meet her eyes. She could barely speak, and could feel herself start to shake. Wouldn't Natasha be ashamed of her now? She had ruined everything.
Concerned, Fandral reached out to grasp Loki's hand. "Lara?"
"No," she exhaled, skittering backward and away from Fandral. "No, no, no, no..."
Now Natasha had worry in her eyes, and she gracefully moved to Loki's side after she tumbled off the edge of the bed, tears in her eyes. "What is it?" she asked, gently touching Loki's shoulder to get her attention.
"Andorra," Loki whimpered, squeezing her eyes shut. Tears slid down her cheeks, and she pulled her legs up to her chest, locking her arms around them. She rocked slightly, barely able to keep from sobbing outright.
That was enough to get Natasha rolling to her feet in a fluid motion. "I'm sorry, Fandral," she said in a soft voice. "Lara... There was a rough time a while ago. We thought she had gotten past it, but I suppose not."
Loki cracked her eyes open to see Fandral nod earnestly, Natasha's hand clasped in his against his chest. "No, no, it's all right," he was telling her, and Loki shut her eyes tight. The look between those two... She couldn't have that. She couldn't deserve that.
What made it worse was Fandral kneeling on the floor in front of her, her dress in his hands held out for her. "My deepest, sincerest apologies," he said. He meant it, too; whatever else Loki would have said of him from their time on Asgard in the past, Fandral had always been a very honorable and loyal soul. "I would never do you harm, Lady Lara, please believe me." Oh, Loki knew that, and the words just made her cry harder. "Please. Let's get you refreshed, and let me escort you back to your quarters."
"The palace should be fine," Natasha told him, shrugging back into the top of her dress. "It'll look more natural that way."
"You don't look ill enough to say you retired early, and most palace staff wouldn't believe you if you returned because of your friend's illness."
"Good thing I don't give a fuck what they say," Natasha replied flatly.
Looking up in surprise and hiccupping, Loki caught the fierce glint in her eye and Fandral's amused expression. "Indeed," he said with a smile. He reached out to help realign the pins in her dress, artfully draping the folds back where they had been. "Well, then. Let's get the Lady Lara comfortable and safe, hm?"
Natasha's expression softened. "Thank you for understanding."
"Some other time, if all is well," he said with a shrug. "If not... Well, the evening started out on a grand note."
"Head back to the wedding. I'm sure plenty of other widows await their chance."
Fandral laughed and started retrieving his clothing from the other side of the bed. With shaking fingers, Loki tuned out their easy banter and struggled back into her kirtle and dress. She was a mess, she kept thinking. This was awful, terrible, horrible, disgusting...
It was shock that had her startling badly at Natasha's touch. But she fixed the parts of Loki's dress that refused to line up, and she gently got her slippers back on her feet. Natasha's fingers lingered on her instep for a moment, until Loki met her eyes. "You're all right," she said, voice firm. By the Tree, it was her domme voice. Something in her stopped flailing with panic at the sound of it. Natasha was here, Natasha would make it okay, Natasha would make all of the fears less important.
Somehow, Loki managed to walk with them back to the palace. Fandral kept up some kind of monologue that was meant to be distracting and lighthearted, but Loki wanted to cringe. She doubted herself for using the safe word. She'd never used it before, ever. Not even the time when she had really wanted to, trapped and in pain as the venom started to work its way through her body-no, bad thought there. The memory just brought on more silent tears, a deeper ache in her chest right where her scarred flesh was. Weak. She was so fucking weak, so fucking pathetic. How could anyone want her? How could anyone ever think she was powerful or worthwhile? How could she believe she was worthwhile?
Loki seemed to come to when Natasha forcibly sat her down on the edge of the bed. Looking up into Natasha's concerned face, she burst into tears again. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I shouldn't have said it, I ruined your evening, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."
Natasha grasped Loki's face in her hands firmly until she calmed. "You used the safe word."
"I shouldn't have, I'm sorry," Loki gasped, tears coming again.
"You meant it."
"It's stupid, I shouldn't have done it." Loki started reaching up to touch Natasha's hands, but then she faltered and let her hands fall. "I ruined everything."
"You meant it," Natasha said, voice firm. "So it stopped. No questions asked. You don't have to do whatever I want all the time. We weren't in a scene, either."
Loki gulped, her entire body shaking. "I couldn't... I couldn't let him... I can't... He can't..."
"He was going to fuck you," Natasha said, no emotional inflection at all. Loki couldn't tell from her expression what she was feeling either, and she shook with fear. She didn't know why she was afraid, but suddenly it was as if she was back in that inn, Fandral's body draped half over hers, the feeling of his cock along her thigh making her feel almost nauseous. "That's what did it, wasn't it? It was fine if it was just his mouth, just his fingers. But if he was going to fuck you..."
Shuddering, Loki pulled from her grasp and tried to wriggle away. She had to hide, the shame was too great. It didn't matter that Natasha wanted to understand it, that she was trying to pull her back to talk. Loki couldn't bear it. The dress tore, and dimly Loki remembered times as a man when he had done similar things as a threat. Asgardian culture prized their warrior males, after all, and while he would never actually rape conquered foes, he hadn't been above threatening that kind of behavior, either.
Feeling sick, Loki crashed to her knees and sprawled across the floor. She sobbed, shame burning through her. The torn top of the dress made it flutter down, exposing the kirtle. That did nothing to hide her breasts, and again she was reminded of all the horrible things she used to threaten others with, the way she had baited those who were unable to fight back. She had even threatened Natasha and Jane with the same. And had that been done to those helpless Healers who had tried to go to the mines? Had any of the jarls or karls been abused in such a way before they had been torn to pieces? Nausea hit her, bile in her throat.
Natasha squatted a few feet away, watching her retch dispassionately. "Ergi," she guessed, no inflection in her tone.
Loki shut her eyes and tried to remember how to breathe, but all that could come out of her lips was a repeated "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
This was all her fault. This wasn't her fault. There could be no balance, she could never be good enough to erase all the gushing red she caused.
That fucking ledger. It was going to kill her someday.
It was a shock when Natasha darted forward and caught her breasts in her hands, pinching her nipples between thumb and outside of her forefinger. "Stop," Natasha commanded, irritation in her eyes. That only made Loki begin to sob again. "Never apologize for using your safe word, Loki. That's what it's there for. It doesn't matter why you need to use it when you use it. We figure it out later, so I don't put you in that situation again."
"B-but you can f-fu-fuck me," Loki stuttered, still sobbing. The pain in her nipples certainly got her attention, but it wasn't truly painful. Still, it was a distinct relief when she let go. "It doesn't hurt me when you do it."
"But then, I'm a woman. I don't have a dick of my own, do I?"
The crude language shouldn't have been as startling as it was. Loki shook her head wordlessly.
"So I'm still safe, to a point. It's fake. You can tell yourself we're just playing, you're letting me have my way. That's what the deal is for, after all. I only take what you allow me to have, and you can still feel in control. It's not real, it's not flesh and blood. But you know him. You've known him a long time, and you know he's real. You know he would've fucked you, and you would've liked it just as much as if I did it, and you can't lie to yourself about that."
Loki sobbed again, bringing her hands to her mouth. "I... I can't," she sobbed, looking at Natasha beseechingly. "I can't do this, Natasha," she sobbed. "Pl-please, I can't do this, I can't be this for you. I can't..."
To Loki's utter shock, Natasha wrapped her arms around Loki and pulled her against Natasha's chest. Her jewelry pressed uncomfortably against Loki's cheek and chest, but she ignored that pressure. "I never ask you to be something you're not when you're with me," Natasha said, rubbing her back in a soothing manner.
"Yes, you do. The ledger, wanting me to be strong, wanting me to be like you... I can't, I can't do it, I don't know how. I don't know what to do."
"You say that you don't..."
"No, I really don't. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't belong anywhere, I have nothing now. I know I did it to myself, but..." Loki choked back a sob. "I'm sorry. I really am. I'm so, so sorry, Natasha. I wish I could take it all back. I never cared about the ones I hurt, it never seemed important before. Those karls we found... it's real now. It's real, and I don't know what to do about them."
Natasha shushed her and rocked her gently. Loki couldn't help but start sobbing uncontrollably, longing for an impossible moment that she could be everything that Natasha wanted or needed, that she was good, that she wasn't so broken and empty inside. All she could do was cry and keep apologizing, until at some point she exhausted herself. I wish you could love me, Loki wanted to say, but she couldn't bear to say the words aloud.
She knew the feeling wouldn't be reciprocated, and she didn't deserve it anyway.
It wasn't until the next morning that it all made a sick kind of sense.
Loki shook when she realized what must be happening to her body, why she was so overly sensitive to comments and touch and feelings, these base things she had always looked down upon before. Natasha looked up when she made a soft choking sound, and put down the book she had been reading. "What is it?" she asked, looking over at Loki from her seat in the library. Instead of answering immediately, Loki cast a silencing spell around them, to be certain that no prying ears could hear them. That made Natasha frown, but couldn't be helped.
"I think I will go soon into a breeding phase."
Natasha gave her a blank look. "What?"
"Being here, surrounded by the women of the castle... I'm female now. I haven't yet cycled, but I can feel my body changing. Not to resume my prior form, but to be receptive to conception. It's the purpose of unions here, after all." Loki repressed the urge to laugh hysterically. She had never planned for this, but it was perfect, was it not? This could be her tie to Natasha, one that could never be severed. This would be the way to link them for all eternity, to bind her more closely, to keep her loyalty. Natasha might never love her, but she could care for Loki, and she would definitely care for their child. She could do something different with a child, be someone different. She could be better, finally someone worthwhile and worthy.
"What are you talking about?" Natasha asked, putting her book aside.
"I can have your child," Loki said softly, lips curling in the corners a little. A longing took root in her chest, a fierce joy at the thought of belonging to someone. "It would take quite a bit of seidr and manipulating the spá to make it happen, but it could happen. I could bear your child."
Loki, in her growing excitement, didn't initially notice how still Natasha was. But she wasn't responding to Loki's words, and finally it sank in. "You don't want this," Loki murmured, trying not to let her devastation show.
"Why do you?"
Nearly growling in frustration, Loki stared at her. "I would give you life. Creation. Is it not good? Is it not wonderful?"
"For who?" Natasha asked, no inflection in her tone.
"Why? Would you rather carry our child, then? Should I work to heal you, undo the damages done to your body so you could-"
"Stop," she commanded, voice harsh and a fierce look coming over her face. Loki was almost frightened of that expression.
"Wouldn't it please you?" she asked in a soft voice. Hearing Natasha condemn this idea hurt, though Loki couldn't have said why. Didn't she want a tangible tie between them? How else did she mean to claim Loki and show Loki's claim on her?
"No, it wouldn't." Natasha put the book aside and stood. Her forbidding expression nearly made Loki cringe. "Neither of us are fit to be parents, Loki. A child isn't something you create when you're bored and give away when you're done with the idea."
Her mother died to allow her to live. Loki had willfully walked away from the one child he had helped to create, leaving it up to Hel and Frigga to save the dead infant. Loki didn't know how to be responsible, but she was willing to try. Didn't that count for something?
"I know you said you're not maternal-"
"As have you."
Loki flinched and bit her lip. "Then what am I to you? What claim do you make on me? Could I make on you? I could do this if I tried, I know I can. I could even be good at it, I could be someone." She held back the floodgates of emotion that threatened to spill. "Why did you bring me here, Natasha? Why keep me beholden to you?"
"Are you really beholden to me?" Natasha asked, voice cool. "I've never asked you for that outside of our bargain."
The deal, the ledger, the bargain... Everything between the two of them had been so carefully negotiated, and right now it felt binding in an uncomfortable way. Loki wanted to break free of the roles they had created for each other, and she wanted to break something or someone so badly she ached with it. She could push Natasha down and fix her body, let it be fertile and able to bear a child. She could simply take the genetic material she needed and create the child herself, push it into her waiting womb and let it grow for the cycles it would need to be fully developed. She could. She could.
But she wouldn't, not if Natasha condemned the idea so.
Loki turned away, her eyes shimmering with tears. Damned hormones. Damned body. Damned weakness and loathing and desires she couldn't control.
"What's bringing this on?" Natasha asked. Though Loki didn't want to turn around to look at her, she could almost imagine her brows furrowed in thought.
"It's nothing," Loki said, standing. She couldn't face Natasha and still maintain her dignity, so she didn't try to. "Forget it. Just conversation."
"Nothing is ever just conversation with you," Natasha disagreed. She reached out and pulled Loki closer. "Something has been nagging at you for weeks, but you've never said a word and I've been waiting. What is it?"
I don't know, Loki wanted to say. Something strange is happening, it's more than just the breeding phase, it's more than just being female. It's bad enough that that's the case, but I don't know what it is.
Instead, she remained silent. "It's nothing," she repeated firmly.
"It's not nothing."
"Yes, it is," Loki told her, using her best haughty tone. She could feel herself crumbling on the inside, but it was nothing she could put into coherent words. It was crushing disappointment, a sense of wrongness she couldn't explain.
Being here hadn't helped at all. It wasn't home, it wasn't familiar, it wasn't wanted. She truly had nowhere to go, nowhere to belong. Her hiding places along Yggdrasil might not even feel comfortable any longer, and she was afraid to see if that was true.
"C'mon," Natasha said suddenly, rising to her feet. "We're heading out."
Loki followed her, unsure what the plan was going to be. The twisting maze of corridors ultimately let them out onto the training grounds of the palace. Bernhardt was startled to see her at an unscheduled time, but remained silent. Seeing Natasha making a beeline for the swords and elaborate knives, most of the students in the lot backed out of the way. She tossed a sword at Loki, who caught it by the hilt easily. "Natasha-"
"Shut up and fight," she said sharply, almost but not quite her domme voice.
All right, then. She could follow that command easily. It drove the worry and fear from her mind, let her simply focus on movement. Natasha attacked fiercely, as if she wanted to cleave Loki to the bone. Loki had to adjust quickly to the heft of the sword, a bit heavier than she normally liked to use, unless it was simply the feminine decrease in arm strength that made it seem heavier than usual. She hadn't really tried practicing in this form at all while Natasha was away, and she could feel the strain in her muscles. It took a moment to realize that the warriors gave the two of them a wide berth, watching with wide eyes as Loki had to swing the sword around to block Natasha's vicious downward swing.
"You haven't been telling me everything," Natasha said in Russian, which threw Loki for a loop for a moment. "Not what you've been thinking or feeling."
"You never said I had to," Loki replied in halting Russian, realizing she didn't want the others to understand the conversation. She couldn't help but grin maniacally as she blocked the next heavy swing. Tricky Natasha. Give Loki too much distraction, and she might let something slip that she didn't want to.
Natasha spun around, sword out and angled to slice across Loki's stomach if she didn't block the swing in time. Loki got the sword up, and remembered Natasha's unholy love of coming in far too close for comfort during fights like this. She ducked in close, catching a fist to the jaw for her trouble, but did get her sword up and slicing into her arm. "First blood," Loki said, forgetting herself and speaking in English.
Bringing her knee up, Natasha changed her grip on the sword and brought it swinging around to slice into Loki's back. "You might not have to tell me everything, but you know it's the only way to really give you what you need," Natasha snarled in Russian.
"Are you angry with me?" Loki asked in surprise, managing to use Russian again. She jerked away from the wound and staggered away from Natasha.
"You'd know if I was angry," she said, Russian syllables grit out harshly. "But I am annoyed, because you're making my job harder than it has to be."
"I thought you knew me," Loki replied, remembering to keep to Russian. She skipped backward, holding the sword in front of her in a two handed grip.
"What are you hiding, Loki?"
"There are things I cannot say and things I will not say." The swords clashed, thrust and parry, swinging back and forth as if they wanted to lop off each others' arms. "I cannot give you everything you ask for!" Loki finally grit out. "I don't know what you want from me when I get nothing in return from you."
"You have our deal," Natasha grit out, sweeping down and catching Loki in the thigh she didn't guard well enough. Her own arms had a few more slashes by now.
"I want more than that," Loki cried, tears springing to her eyes unbidden.
Natasha kicked her in the chest, sending her sprawling across the practice floor. Now there was no need to feign the wheezing or tightness in her chest. "Love is for children," Natasha said quietly, still in Russian. She threw her sword onto the ground and held a hand out to help Loki to her feet. "You know that."
"I can't help but still want it," Loki replied in hush tones. "I don't deserve it, I can't have it, but I still want it."
"Don't deserve may be too harsh," Natasha said quietly. "You can still earn it."
Loki shook her head as she grasped Natasha's hand and let herself be pulled up to her feet. She ignored the whispering of the warriors and the sound of an approaching messenger. "Not from the one who matters most."
"Perhaps you should look for one capable of such things."
"Aren't you?" Loki asked quietly. "Your friends say you're capable of such kindness. You've even given me a chance I shouldn't have."
She was scraped raw from the inside out, an exposed nerve. This was the most vulnerable she had left herself, and Loki could see in Natasha's expression that she knew it. Should she want to destroy Loki's soul, she could do it. She wouldn't, it didn't seem to be her way, but she could. Loki was all but kneeling at her feet with her throat bared against the blade of a sword. Loki wanted and needed Natasha to be proud of her, and not just in bedroom sessions for allowing herself to be twisted and warped and pushed past limits. She needed to belong, to have a home somewhere, to be wanted for herself and not because she was an object or spoil of war, not out of pity or some kind of obligation.
Whatever Natasha was about to say was interrupted by the messenger running into the practice arena. Bernhardt frowned at the young man, visibly disheveled and shaken. Before he could even ask what the problem was, the messenger thrust out a staff that was frighteningly familiar to both Natasha and Loki. "This was found near Lord Thorin's stables when his sons were clearing out the estate," he said without preamble. "Maeginbiorn didn't make it, and wanted me to bring the staff to you to examine."
Natasha was striding forward as Loki made a soft choking sound. No. Not here, Loki found herself thinking, a tremor rolling down her spine.
Bernhardt looked to her intense expression. "You recognize this."
Nodding, Natasha took the staff from the messenger. Without a word, she whipped it around and shot a laser blast from the end of the staff and hit the center of a target across the courtyard. She gave Maeginbiorn a grim look. "This is a Chitauri weapon, the same kind they attacked Midgard with." Lowering her arms, she looked from Bernhardt to the messenger. "Tell Maeginbiorn to start crafting more weapons and armor, especially those that can repel energy." The messenger gave her a frightened nod and then ran off in the direction he had come.
Loki approached Natasha, keeping a wary eye on the staff. "They can't be here," Loki gasped, shivers growing more intense along her spine. She hadn't wanted it to be true, hadn't wanted to feel the icy presence of the Other or Thanos ever again.
Natasha's impassive mask was in place, and she simply held onto the staff as if it was an ordinary one. That didn't decrease the panic threatening to overtake Loki. Asgard was supposed to be safe from them. The Chitauri hadn't even known about that realm, had their home in a distant part of Yggdrasil and had been decimated when Tony Stark threw that bomb into the portal.
But then, decimated was not obliterated. And Thanos craved death.
"If the Chitauri is involved in the abduction of the jarls and karls, there's going to be a lot more death and destruction," Natasha told Bernhardt. "You're going to need to step up the training that you've been giving your men."
"I have orders from Odin."
"To train the men. Not how."
Bernhardt blinked. "How did you know-?"
"He wouldn't be concerned with specifics, as long as it's done," Natasha told him grimly. "And having fought them, I can tell you how hard they hit. They don't care who they kill or who gets in the way. Your men are going to have to be ruthless and strike hard."
Natasha finally turned to Loki. "And we're going to want to call in more help. Whenever they come, palace guards aren't going to be enough." She touched Loki's arm in a firm yet comforting gesture. "They won't take Asgard. We'll stop it."
We would be more than just her, Loki and the palace guards. Loki knew she meant that she would call in the Avengers, perhaps some of her friends from SHIELD.
As much as Loki should have felt insulted on behalf of Asgard's finest, she was relieved. She didn't want Asgard destroyed. She didn't want the people harmed. Seeing others suffer up close had driven that point home.
This might not be her home anymore, but she would do everything in her power to help save it.
The End
Series: #11 in Ready For The Siege
(#1 - Look Over Your Shoulder, #2 - Armed Up To The Teeth, #3 - Misery Inspires, #4 - Broken Underneath, #5 - Change Is Coming Soon, #6 - Lick Your Wounds, #7 - Bitter Sparks, #8 - Father's Will, #9 - To Feel Safe Again, #10 - Hit Your Prime)
Author: Eustacia Vye
Author's e-mail: eustacia_vye28@hotmail.com
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Loki/Natasha, Natasha/OFC mentioned, Natasha/Fandral/Loki
Disclaimer: Not mine! Some comic backstory is incorporated into characterizations, but this is still primarily movieverse.
Spoilers/Warnings: Post-movie. Read the other stories before this one, because it does refer back to events in them. Additional warning for misogyny (internalized and society-driven) and references to torture.
Title and series title from "The Royal We" by Silversun Pickups
Special thanks to phoenixrising06/
romanovasledger for plotting and characterization discussion. :)
Summary: As Ambassador to Asgard, nobility didn't expect Natasha to be much more than a figurehead or diplomat. That very much was not her way, especially not when there was a mystery that needed to be solved.
Prior chapters:
One - Return To Asgard
Two - The Investigation Begins
Three - Appearances
Four - When The Heart Breaks
Five - Between Different Worlds
Loki refused to discuss potential antagonists to Asgard and Odin refused to see Natasha, no matter how many requests she put in. Frigga was very quiet and ultimately told Natasha that she would talk with him, but Loki knew it was a temporizing measure. Neither would want to admit that there were dark forces on Asgard. It was simpler if it was simply a handful of jarls and karls fighting. It was easier to ignore the incoming darkness. Loki was just as guilty; she didn't go with Natasha when she met with Heimdall, Sif, Thor or the Warriors Three to discuss her concerns about the things they had found. She stayed in bed during those meetings, blankets pulled up over her head and warning spells laced around the room. She didn't feel safe, she felt hunted, and she knew she had every right to be.
Death stalked Asgard, even if Odin didn't want to see it.
Lady Gisla marrying Lord Agni was a large social event; while neither noble were in the higher ranks, Gisla's aunt was the widow of greater jarl Lord Thorki, who had died in battle against the Jotnar years before. This allowed Gisla to invite a number of greater jarls she might not have been able to otherwise. This included Natasha, as her title of Ambassador gave her presumed royal status. She was allowed to bring a guest with her; any servants she required didn't add to the guest list, as they were expected to stay out of the main party area.
Loki supposed she shouldn't have been upset by Natasha thinking to ask Fandral to be her plus one; he was one of Thor's friends and a jarl in his own right. Meanwhile, Lara was human and just a friend of Natasha's. Only Bera knew that Lara was potentially more. As much as she really shouldn't have been upset, she was. Seducing Gilla for information about society was Natasha's way, and Loki knew this from that past mission with Emilia. But there was nothing to gain from Fandral in this instance, and Natasha had said that Fandral didn't have much to contribute to the discussion about the dead jarls and karls. Loki found it disturbing how quickly Natasha thought of him for the wedding and was certain he would accept the invitation. She didn't want to ask and confirm it, but Loki was certain that Natasha had shared Fandral's bed before. Chest aching desperately, Loki begged to accompany her to the wedding as a handmaiden, if only to be on the lookout for magic being used to accost the jarls. It was an easy excuse; the bloody mine was still easily at the forefront of their minds.
The wedding itself was a standard union ceremony. Gisla was beaming the entire time, and Agni was visibly pleased at the union and the assemblage present to witness it. Immediately following the ceremony, guests were invited to feast and dance in celebration within Agni's family home. Loki kept to the outer edges of the crowd as expected of a handmaiden, jealousy making her feel physically ill as she watched Fandral and Natasha dance. It was nothing overt, but Loki could see the knowing way that Fandral touched her. He was familiar with her body, the sensual pleasures that touch could give her. Loki didn't want to see the way they smiled at each other, knowing lovers' smiles, and edged further along the ballroom.
Close to Lady Drifa and her ilk, Loki paused when she heard the phrase "...so disgusting." Loki could feel her rage build. How dare that cow speak about Natasha this way? "She shouldn't have come here. They call it confinement for a reason."
Following her line of sight, Loki looked and saw a very largely pregnant woman sitting at a table. She was looking at her husband lovingly, and he was attending to her with a mirroring expression. Rather than be disgusted as Drifa was, Loki looked at the couple with longing. There was so much love between the two of them, such happiness and joy in each other and their future offspring. It made her heart ache, and she wished Natasha could look at her that way. Loki knew it could never happen, she had done too much evil to her and her friends, but it was something that Loki still longed for desperately.
Eventually, cheeks delightfully flushed, Natasha found Loki in the crowd. "Hey. You can head back if you want. Fandral and I are going for a walk."
Panic flared in her chest, something sharp and ugly. Natasha was leaving her, Natasha didn't want her, Natasha found someone better. Fandral would be a generous and kind lover, and for all of his flippant ways, he had never boasted of conquests in vulgar terms. Loki knew that about him, even if they were no longer friends.
Leaping to her feet, Loki pasted a smile on her face. Natasha couldn't leave without her. Loki would do anything to stay with her, anything to make Natasha see her. Her entire world was twisted inside out, and she couldn't let Natasha go. "I'll go with you."
"We're not really walking in a garden," she replied, voice dropping to a whisper. Her eyes shone and her lips quirked in amusement.
Anger flared in Loki's heart along with jealousy and intense loneliness. Did Natasha think that Loki was a fool? "I know. I'll go with you and keep you safe. After what we found last week... Where you go, I go."
Natasha shrugged, the sparkle in her eyes not diminished in the slightest. "Fine, then. I suppose we could always explain it as you joining in. It'll be fun, and he's the type to want to want to try that if he hasn't already. C'mon."
Loki followed her to a garden, where Fandral was off in the distance waiting. He lofted an eyebrow at her when he saw Loki, and Natasha nodded with a smile. Loki pushed aside the urge to run away. By the Tree, this was Fandral, and they had grown up together. But Loki couldn't back down from her bluff, and had to play the role she cast for herself. Fandral grinned in answer to Natasha's unspoken explanation, then jerked his head in the direction they had to go. She followed Natasha, not paying attention to where exactly they were going. The two had such fluid communication with gestures. Was this the kind of thing that Natasha did when not investigating things? How could she shrug off the nightmarish visions of death so easily?
Fandral led them to an inn not that far from the inner areas of Asgard near the palace. He silently pointed to the second floor as he removed a key from his pocket and slipped inside. Loki felt sick to her stomach; they had been planning this for some time, then, and Natasha would have left Loki behind. Natasha didn't need her, after all.
The room was large and comfortable, with a four poster bed, thick feather down quilts and hangings on the bed to lock in warmth. A fire burned merrily in the hearth, a ewer of water nearby and a stack of small towels for washing. It was meant to invoke the comforts of home to a weary traveler, a place to rest and relax before continuing across Asgard or before participating in a nearby festival.
"I didn't obtain food or drink," Fandral told them apologetically, removing his decorative ceremonial sword from his waist. "I thought there would be refreshment enough obtained at the wedding, no need for more now."
Natasha reached out to grasp Fandral's outer tunic in one hand to pull him down for a kiss. It was utterly filthy, something that made Loki feel at once embarrassed and turned on. "You're talking too much, Fandral. We're going to keep you very busy."
Loki could feel desire pool in her belly at that purr, and Natasha was utterly lovely in Fandral's arms. Her mouth went dry when Natasha reached behind her for Loki, then turned to beckon her forward. "Don't be left out, Lara."
Her reply was swallowed up inside Natasha's kiss, and Fandral moved so that he could loop an arm around Loki as well as Natasha. That hand pulled at one of the ties in her robe, loosening it. Natasha helped, a naughty smirk on her face as the dress puddle around Loki's feet on the floor. "So pretty," she purred, before pulling Loki down by the back of her neck to give her a filthy kiss. "It'll be so much fun for us to fuck you, won't it?"
Loki could only whimper as Natasha kissed her and Fandral started to caress her breasts. She had to blot out the fact that this was Fandral, that she had known this warrior when she was a boy, and focus on Natasha. The flame-haired spy was the center of her existence now. How had that happened? How had she become so vital to Loki? She closed her eyes and tried to lose herself in Natasha's kiss. This must be what Natasha felt when Loki used her magic, too many hands and limbs pressing into her body and making her feel. Sensation crowded out any other thought or worry.
The kirtle fell to the floor, and Fandral's hands were over bare skin, then skimming down her belly to the juncture of her thighs. His lips were at the back of her neck, beneath the upswept hair, then he moved to kiss his way down her spine. Natasha started to walk backward toward the bed, pulling along Loki and Fandral by extension. She sat at the edge and pulled Loki down beside her, turning her so that Loki was lying on her back with her legs spread. Fandral easily knelt between them and started to kiss and lick his way between her thighs, knowledgeable lips and tongue working something almost like magic. Natasha bent down to kiss her mouth, one hand keeping herself braced and the other caressing one of her breasts. Loki grasped Natasha desperately, gasping into her mouth, and the other hand pulled at the blanket beneath her.
The pleasure crashed into her abruptly, and she cried out into Natasha's kiss. She backed up, lips caught in a pleased smile. Fandral still licked at her clit, one finger working inside of her, and Loki moaned as she watched Natasha open the clasps keeping the top of her dress together. Her arms slid easily out of the top of her kirtle, leaving her bare to the waist. Her come-hither look at Loki made her mouth water in desire. Loki greedily reached for her to suckle one perfect breast, feeling as though perhaps this wasn't such an awful idea after all. She could forget about the man that once had been a fellow warrior. She could focus on the woman in her arms.
Loki pulled at the skirt of Natasha's breast, pushing aside fabric until she could feel the smooth skin of her thigh. She was overwhelmed by the sensations flooding through her, hips bucking against Fandral's mouth and hand. Natasha pinched a nipple just right, enough to make her catch her breath and suck a little harder on Natasha. That made her hum happily and say "Just like that, you know what I like," close to Loki's ear.
Her voice was like magic all of its own. Loki came again, hands clutching tight onto Natasha's thigh. She would likely leave a bruise, even with her fast healing.
Fandral sat back and watched as Loki pulled Natasha closer. She hiked up her skirt and straddled Loki's head, then beckoned Fandral to come up on the bed. As Loki licked into her, she pulled Fandral closer to kiss him. He helped hold her upright with one arm and stroked one breast with the other. Natasha rocked a little against Loki's lips and tongue, her quiet moans swallowed by Fandral's tongue in her mouth. Loki could ignore Fandral's presence, could keep her eyes shut and simply savor the taste of Natasha, her little mewls and the rocking of her hips. Loki grasped Natasha tightly and lifted her head a little to delve her tongue deeper inside her. She could almost feel the seductive lethargy in her limbs, the worry and fear about Natasha's emotions falling away from her. It didn't matter anymore. Only this moment did, only hearing her gasps, only knowing that Natasha was pleased, Natasha was happy, Loki could do this for her. She was coming apart at the seams, shaking from the pleasure, and it was because Loki knew what she liked, knew what pleased her. For once, Loki could do something right.
Disappointed when Natasha moved off of her, Loki rose onto her elbows. She had a smile on her face, which helped ease Loki's budding distress. Flopping onto her back with a playful dramatic flair that Loki so rarely saw, Natasha stretched out and gestured from Fandral to Loki. "Hey, give me a moment to recover. Can you take care of Lara for me?"
"It would be a delight," Fandral replied, giving her a courtly nod. He slid off the bed and walked around it before coming to Loki's side. He stretched out beside her, and Loki was startled to see bare flesh next to her. When had he gotten undressed? She had lost sight of that. His hands sliding across her body felt good, his kiss was pleasurable. It was the sensation of his cock against her thigh, heavy and wet at the tip, that made panic pierce the lassitude that was starting to build. Fandral didn't notice her eyes widen in panic, as he was dropping feathery kisses along the rise of one breast. If that was all he had done, Loki would have remained comfortable. But suddenly the realization that Fandral would penetrate her body, he would fuck her the way that Natasha had... No. Her entire soul rebelled at the sense of wrongness.
Loki slithered out from under him and nearly fell off the bed. Fandral blinked at her in surprise and sat up. "Lara?" he asked, confused. "Are you all right?"
Natasha sat up, and Loki couldn't meet her eyes. She could barely speak, and could feel herself start to shake. Wouldn't Natasha be ashamed of her now? She had ruined everything.
Concerned, Fandral reached out to grasp Loki's hand. "Lara?"
"No," she exhaled, skittering backward and away from Fandral. "No, no, no, no..."
Now Natasha had worry in her eyes, and she gracefully moved to Loki's side after she tumbled off the edge of the bed, tears in her eyes. "What is it?" she asked, gently touching Loki's shoulder to get her attention.
"Andorra," Loki whimpered, squeezing her eyes shut. Tears slid down her cheeks, and she pulled her legs up to her chest, locking her arms around them. She rocked slightly, barely able to keep from sobbing outright.
That was enough to get Natasha rolling to her feet in a fluid motion. "I'm sorry, Fandral," she said in a soft voice. "Lara... There was a rough time a while ago. We thought she had gotten past it, but I suppose not."
Loki cracked her eyes open to see Fandral nod earnestly, Natasha's hand clasped in his against his chest. "No, no, it's all right," he was telling her, and Loki shut her eyes tight. The look between those two... She couldn't have that. She couldn't deserve that.
What made it worse was Fandral kneeling on the floor in front of her, her dress in his hands held out for her. "My deepest, sincerest apologies," he said. He meant it, too; whatever else Loki would have said of him from their time on Asgard in the past, Fandral had always been a very honorable and loyal soul. "I would never do you harm, Lady Lara, please believe me." Oh, Loki knew that, and the words just made her cry harder. "Please. Let's get you refreshed, and let me escort you back to your quarters."
"The palace should be fine," Natasha told him, shrugging back into the top of her dress. "It'll look more natural that way."
"You don't look ill enough to say you retired early, and most palace staff wouldn't believe you if you returned because of your friend's illness."
"Good thing I don't give a fuck what they say," Natasha replied flatly.
Looking up in surprise and hiccupping, Loki caught the fierce glint in her eye and Fandral's amused expression. "Indeed," he said with a smile. He reached out to help realign the pins in her dress, artfully draping the folds back where they had been. "Well, then. Let's get the Lady Lara comfortable and safe, hm?"
Natasha's expression softened. "Thank you for understanding."
"Some other time, if all is well," he said with a shrug. "If not... Well, the evening started out on a grand note."
"Head back to the wedding. I'm sure plenty of other widows await their chance."
Fandral laughed and started retrieving his clothing from the other side of the bed. With shaking fingers, Loki tuned out their easy banter and struggled back into her kirtle and dress. She was a mess, she kept thinking. This was awful, terrible, horrible, disgusting...
It was shock that had her startling badly at Natasha's touch. But she fixed the parts of Loki's dress that refused to line up, and she gently got her slippers back on her feet. Natasha's fingers lingered on her instep for a moment, until Loki met her eyes. "You're all right," she said, voice firm. By the Tree, it was her domme voice. Something in her stopped flailing with panic at the sound of it. Natasha was here, Natasha would make it okay, Natasha would make all of the fears less important.
Somehow, Loki managed to walk with them back to the palace. Fandral kept up some kind of monologue that was meant to be distracting and lighthearted, but Loki wanted to cringe. She doubted herself for using the safe word. She'd never used it before, ever. Not even the time when she had really wanted to, trapped and in pain as the venom started to work its way through her body-no, bad thought there. The memory just brought on more silent tears, a deeper ache in her chest right where her scarred flesh was. Weak. She was so fucking weak, so fucking pathetic. How could anyone want her? How could anyone ever think she was powerful or worthwhile? How could she believe she was worthwhile?
Loki seemed to come to when Natasha forcibly sat her down on the edge of the bed. Looking up into Natasha's concerned face, she burst into tears again. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I shouldn't have said it, I ruined your evening, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."
Natasha grasped Loki's face in her hands firmly until she calmed. "You used the safe word."
"I shouldn't have, I'm sorry," Loki gasped, tears coming again.
"You meant it."
"It's stupid, I shouldn't have done it." Loki started reaching up to touch Natasha's hands, but then she faltered and let her hands fall. "I ruined everything."
"You meant it," Natasha said, voice firm. "So it stopped. No questions asked. You don't have to do whatever I want all the time. We weren't in a scene, either."
Loki gulped, her entire body shaking. "I couldn't... I couldn't let him... I can't... He can't..."
"He was going to fuck you," Natasha said, no emotional inflection at all. Loki couldn't tell from her expression what she was feeling either, and she shook with fear. She didn't know why she was afraid, but suddenly it was as if she was back in that inn, Fandral's body draped half over hers, the feeling of his cock along her thigh making her feel almost nauseous. "That's what did it, wasn't it? It was fine if it was just his mouth, just his fingers. But if he was going to fuck you..."
Shuddering, Loki pulled from her grasp and tried to wriggle away. She had to hide, the shame was too great. It didn't matter that Natasha wanted to understand it, that she was trying to pull her back to talk. Loki couldn't bear it. The dress tore, and dimly Loki remembered times as a man when he had done similar things as a threat. Asgardian culture prized their warrior males, after all, and while he would never actually rape conquered foes, he hadn't been above threatening that kind of behavior, either.
Feeling sick, Loki crashed to her knees and sprawled across the floor. She sobbed, shame burning through her. The torn top of the dress made it flutter down, exposing the kirtle. That did nothing to hide her breasts, and again she was reminded of all the horrible things she used to threaten others with, the way she had baited those who were unable to fight back. She had even threatened Natasha and Jane with the same. And had that been done to those helpless Healers who had tried to go to the mines? Had any of the jarls or karls been abused in such a way before they had been torn to pieces? Nausea hit her, bile in her throat.
Natasha squatted a few feet away, watching her retch dispassionately. "Ergi," she guessed, no inflection in her tone.
Loki shut her eyes and tried to remember how to breathe, but all that could come out of her lips was a repeated "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
This was all her fault. This wasn't her fault. There could be no balance, she could never be good enough to erase all the gushing red she caused.
That fucking ledger. It was going to kill her someday.
It was a shock when Natasha darted forward and caught her breasts in her hands, pinching her nipples between thumb and outside of her forefinger. "Stop," Natasha commanded, irritation in her eyes. That only made Loki begin to sob again. "Never apologize for using your safe word, Loki. That's what it's there for. It doesn't matter why you need to use it when you use it. We figure it out later, so I don't put you in that situation again."
"B-but you can f-fu-fuck me," Loki stuttered, still sobbing. The pain in her nipples certainly got her attention, but it wasn't truly painful. Still, it was a distinct relief when she let go. "It doesn't hurt me when you do it."
"But then, I'm a woman. I don't have a dick of my own, do I?"
The crude language shouldn't have been as startling as it was. Loki shook her head wordlessly.
"So I'm still safe, to a point. It's fake. You can tell yourself we're just playing, you're letting me have my way. That's what the deal is for, after all. I only take what you allow me to have, and you can still feel in control. It's not real, it's not flesh and blood. But you know him. You've known him a long time, and you know he's real. You know he would've fucked you, and you would've liked it just as much as if I did it, and you can't lie to yourself about that."
Loki sobbed again, bringing her hands to her mouth. "I... I can't," she sobbed, looking at Natasha beseechingly. "I can't do this, Natasha," she sobbed. "Pl-please, I can't do this, I can't be this for you. I can't..."
To Loki's utter shock, Natasha wrapped her arms around Loki and pulled her against Natasha's chest. Her jewelry pressed uncomfortably against Loki's cheek and chest, but she ignored that pressure. "I never ask you to be something you're not when you're with me," Natasha said, rubbing her back in a soothing manner.
"Yes, you do. The ledger, wanting me to be strong, wanting me to be like you... I can't, I can't do it, I don't know how. I don't know what to do."
"You say that you don't..."
"No, I really don't. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't belong anywhere, I have nothing now. I know I did it to myself, but..." Loki choked back a sob. "I'm sorry. I really am. I'm so, so sorry, Natasha. I wish I could take it all back. I never cared about the ones I hurt, it never seemed important before. Those karls we found... it's real now. It's real, and I don't know what to do about them."
Natasha shushed her and rocked her gently. Loki couldn't help but start sobbing uncontrollably, longing for an impossible moment that she could be everything that Natasha wanted or needed, that she was good, that she wasn't so broken and empty inside. All she could do was cry and keep apologizing, until at some point she exhausted herself. I wish you could love me, Loki wanted to say, but she couldn't bear to say the words aloud.
She knew the feeling wouldn't be reciprocated, and she didn't deserve it anyway.
It wasn't until the next morning that it all made a sick kind of sense.
Loki shook when she realized what must be happening to her body, why she was so overly sensitive to comments and touch and feelings, these base things she had always looked down upon before. Natasha looked up when she made a soft choking sound, and put down the book she had been reading. "What is it?" she asked, looking over at Loki from her seat in the library. Instead of answering immediately, Loki cast a silencing spell around them, to be certain that no prying ears could hear them. That made Natasha frown, but couldn't be helped.
"I think I will go soon into a breeding phase."
Natasha gave her a blank look. "What?"
"Being here, surrounded by the women of the castle... I'm female now. I haven't yet cycled, but I can feel my body changing. Not to resume my prior form, but to be receptive to conception. It's the purpose of unions here, after all." Loki repressed the urge to laugh hysterically. She had never planned for this, but it was perfect, was it not? This could be her tie to Natasha, one that could never be severed. This would be the way to link them for all eternity, to bind her more closely, to keep her loyalty. Natasha might never love her, but she could care for Loki, and she would definitely care for their child. She could do something different with a child, be someone different. She could be better, finally someone worthwhile and worthy.
"What are you talking about?" Natasha asked, putting her book aside.
"I can have your child," Loki said softly, lips curling in the corners a little. A longing took root in her chest, a fierce joy at the thought of belonging to someone. "It would take quite a bit of seidr and manipulating the spá to make it happen, but it could happen. I could bear your child."
Loki, in her growing excitement, didn't initially notice how still Natasha was. But she wasn't responding to Loki's words, and finally it sank in. "You don't want this," Loki murmured, trying not to let her devastation show.
"Why do you?"
Nearly growling in frustration, Loki stared at her. "I would give you life. Creation. Is it not good? Is it not wonderful?"
"For who?" Natasha asked, no inflection in her tone.
"Why? Would you rather carry our child, then? Should I work to heal you, undo the damages done to your body so you could-"
"Stop," she commanded, voice harsh and a fierce look coming over her face. Loki was almost frightened of that expression.
"Wouldn't it please you?" she asked in a soft voice. Hearing Natasha condemn this idea hurt, though Loki couldn't have said why. Didn't she want a tangible tie between them? How else did she mean to claim Loki and show Loki's claim on her?
"No, it wouldn't." Natasha put the book aside and stood. Her forbidding expression nearly made Loki cringe. "Neither of us are fit to be parents, Loki. A child isn't something you create when you're bored and give away when you're done with the idea."
Her mother died to allow her to live. Loki had willfully walked away from the one child he had helped to create, leaving it up to Hel and Frigga to save the dead infant. Loki didn't know how to be responsible, but she was willing to try. Didn't that count for something?
"I know you said you're not maternal-"
"As have you."
Loki flinched and bit her lip. "Then what am I to you? What claim do you make on me? Could I make on you? I could do this if I tried, I know I can. I could even be good at it, I could be someone." She held back the floodgates of emotion that threatened to spill. "Why did you bring me here, Natasha? Why keep me beholden to you?"
"Are you really beholden to me?" Natasha asked, voice cool. "I've never asked you for that outside of our bargain."
The deal, the ledger, the bargain... Everything between the two of them had been so carefully negotiated, and right now it felt binding in an uncomfortable way. Loki wanted to break free of the roles they had created for each other, and she wanted to break something or someone so badly she ached with it. She could push Natasha down and fix her body, let it be fertile and able to bear a child. She could simply take the genetic material she needed and create the child herself, push it into her waiting womb and let it grow for the cycles it would need to be fully developed. She could. She could.
But she wouldn't, not if Natasha condemned the idea so.
Loki turned away, her eyes shimmering with tears. Damned hormones. Damned body. Damned weakness and loathing and desires she couldn't control.
"What's bringing this on?" Natasha asked. Though Loki didn't want to turn around to look at her, she could almost imagine her brows furrowed in thought.
"It's nothing," Loki said, standing. She couldn't face Natasha and still maintain her dignity, so she didn't try to. "Forget it. Just conversation."
"Nothing is ever just conversation with you," Natasha disagreed. She reached out and pulled Loki closer. "Something has been nagging at you for weeks, but you've never said a word and I've been waiting. What is it?"
I don't know, Loki wanted to say. Something strange is happening, it's more than just the breeding phase, it's more than just being female. It's bad enough that that's the case, but I don't know what it is.
Instead, she remained silent. "It's nothing," she repeated firmly.
"It's not nothing."
"Yes, it is," Loki told her, using her best haughty tone. She could feel herself crumbling on the inside, but it was nothing she could put into coherent words. It was crushing disappointment, a sense of wrongness she couldn't explain.
Being here hadn't helped at all. It wasn't home, it wasn't familiar, it wasn't wanted. She truly had nowhere to go, nowhere to belong. Her hiding places along Yggdrasil might not even feel comfortable any longer, and she was afraid to see if that was true.
"C'mon," Natasha said suddenly, rising to her feet. "We're heading out."
Loki followed her, unsure what the plan was going to be. The twisting maze of corridors ultimately let them out onto the training grounds of the palace. Bernhardt was startled to see her at an unscheduled time, but remained silent. Seeing Natasha making a beeline for the swords and elaborate knives, most of the students in the lot backed out of the way. She tossed a sword at Loki, who caught it by the hilt easily. "Natasha-"
"Shut up and fight," she said sharply, almost but not quite her domme voice.
All right, then. She could follow that command easily. It drove the worry and fear from her mind, let her simply focus on movement. Natasha attacked fiercely, as if she wanted to cleave Loki to the bone. Loki had to adjust quickly to the heft of the sword, a bit heavier than she normally liked to use, unless it was simply the feminine decrease in arm strength that made it seem heavier than usual. She hadn't really tried practicing in this form at all while Natasha was away, and she could feel the strain in her muscles. It took a moment to realize that the warriors gave the two of them a wide berth, watching with wide eyes as Loki had to swing the sword around to block Natasha's vicious downward swing.
"You haven't been telling me everything," Natasha said in Russian, which threw Loki for a loop for a moment. "Not what you've been thinking or feeling."
"You never said I had to," Loki replied in halting Russian, realizing she didn't want the others to understand the conversation. She couldn't help but grin maniacally as she blocked the next heavy swing. Tricky Natasha. Give Loki too much distraction, and she might let something slip that she didn't want to.
Natasha spun around, sword out and angled to slice across Loki's stomach if she didn't block the swing in time. Loki got the sword up, and remembered Natasha's unholy love of coming in far too close for comfort during fights like this. She ducked in close, catching a fist to the jaw for her trouble, but did get her sword up and slicing into her arm. "First blood," Loki said, forgetting herself and speaking in English.
Bringing her knee up, Natasha changed her grip on the sword and brought it swinging around to slice into Loki's back. "You might not have to tell me everything, but you know it's the only way to really give you what you need," Natasha snarled in Russian.
"Are you angry with me?" Loki asked in surprise, managing to use Russian again. She jerked away from the wound and staggered away from Natasha.
"You'd know if I was angry," she said, Russian syllables grit out harshly. "But I am annoyed, because you're making my job harder than it has to be."
"I thought you knew me," Loki replied, remembering to keep to Russian. She skipped backward, holding the sword in front of her in a two handed grip.
"What are you hiding, Loki?"
"There are things I cannot say and things I will not say." The swords clashed, thrust and parry, swinging back and forth as if they wanted to lop off each others' arms. "I cannot give you everything you ask for!" Loki finally grit out. "I don't know what you want from me when I get nothing in return from you."
"You have our deal," Natasha grit out, sweeping down and catching Loki in the thigh she didn't guard well enough. Her own arms had a few more slashes by now.
"I want more than that," Loki cried, tears springing to her eyes unbidden.
Natasha kicked her in the chest, sending her sprawling across the practice floor. Now there was no need to feign the wheezing or tightness in her chest. "Love is for children," Natasha said quietly, still in Russian. She threw her sword onto the ground and held a hand out to help Loki to her feet. "You know that."
"I can't help but still want it," Loki replied in hush tones. "I don't deserve it, I can't have it, but I still want it."
"Don't deserve may be too harsh," Natasha said quietly. "You can still earn it."
Loki shook her head as she grasped Natasha's hand and let herself be pulled up to her feet. She ignored the whispering of the warriors and the sound of an approaching messenger. "Not from the one who matters most."
"Perhaps you should look for one capable of such things."
"Aren't you?" Loki asked quietly. "Your friends say you're capable of such kindness. You've even given me a chance I shouldn't have."
She was scraped raw from the inside out, an exposed nerve. This was the most vulnerable she had left herself, and Loki could see in Natasha's expression that she knew it. Should she want to destroy Loki's soul, she could do it. She wouldn't, it didn't seem to be her way, but she could. Loki was all but kneeling at her feet with her throat bared against the blade of a sword. Loki wanted and needed Natasha to be proud of her, and not just in bedroom sessions for allowing herself to be twisted and warped and pushed past limits. She needed to belong, to have a home somewhere, to be wanted for herself and not because she was an object or spoil of war, not out of pity or some kind of obligation.
Whatever Natasha was about to say was interrupted by the messenger running into the practice arena. Bernhardt frowned at the young man, visibly disheveled and shaken. Before he could even ask what the problem was, the messenger thrust out a staff that was frighteningly familiar to both Natasha and Loki. "This was found near Lord Thorin's stables when his sons were clearing out the estate," he said without preamble. "Maeginbiorn didn't make it, and wanted me to bring the staff to you to examine."
Natasha was striding forward as Loki made a soft choking sound. No. Not here, Loki found herself thinking, a tremor rolling down her spine.
Bernhardt looked to her intense expression. "You recognize this."
Nodding, Natasha took the staff from the messenger. Without a word, she whipped it around and shot a laser blast from the end of the staff and hit the center of a target across the courtyard. She gave Maeginbiorn a grim look. "This is a Chitauri weapon, the same kind they attacked Midgard with." Lowering her arms, she looked from Bernhardt to the messenger. "Tell Maeginbiorn to start crafting more weapons and armor, especially those that can repel energy." The messenger gave her a frightened nod and then ran off in the direction he had come.
Loki approached Natasha, keeping a wary eye on the staff. "They can't be here," Loki gasped, shivers growing more intense along her spine. She hadn't wanted it to be true, hadn't wanted to feel the icy presence of the Other or Thanos ever again.
Natasha's impassive mask was in place, and she simply held onto the staff as if it was an ordinary one. That didn't decrease the panic threatening to overtake Loki. Asgard was supposed to be safe from them. The Chitauri hadn't even known about that realm, had their home in a distant part of Yggdrasil and had been decimated when Tony Stark threw that bomb into the portal.
But then, decimated was not obliterated. And Thanos craved death.
"If the Chitauri is involved in the abduction of the jarls and karls, there's going to be a lot more death and destruction," Natasha told Bernhardt. "You're going to need to step up the training that you've been giving your men."
"I have orders from Odin."
"To train the men. Not how."
Bernhardt blinked. "How did you know-?"
"He wouldn't be concerned with specifics, as long as it's done," Natasha told him grimly. "And having fought them, I can tell you how hard they hit. They don't care who they kill or who gets in the way. Your men are going to have to be ruthless and strike hard."
Natasha finally turned to Loki. "And we're going to want to call in more help. Whenever they come, palace guards aren't going to be enough." She touched Loki's arm in a firm yet comforting gesture. "They won't take Asgard. We'll stop it."
We would be more than just her, Loki and the palace guards. Loki knew she meant that she would call in the Avengers, perhaps some of her friends from SHIELD.
As much as Loki should have felt insulted on behalf of Asgard's finest, she was relieved. She didn't want Asgard destroyed. She didn't want the people harmed. Seeing others suffer up close had driven that point home.
This might not be her home anymore, but she would do everything in her power to help save it.
The End