Secret Whispers ~ Chapter Thirteen | part one
Title: Secret Whispers
Authors:
aroruae&
fighter_of_moon
Pairings: Akame, Ryokame & others along the way
Genre: AU, angst, fluff, drama, smut
Disclaimer: If the boys were ours, you'd be seeing more of them on TV and we'd have them in RL too
Summary: For those who don't give a damn on things like destiny, let me tell you one thing. They are real. And that's what Akanishi Jin was going to find out.
First song ~ Without notice
Second song ~ Water dance
Third song ~ Our story ~ Prologue
Fourth song ~ Crazy Love
Fifth song ~ Affection
Sixth song ~ I.N.P
Seventh song ~ Miracle
Eigth song ~ Change Ur World
Ninth song ~ She said
Tenth song ~ Sun Burns Down
Eleventh song ~ Love or Like
Twelfth song ~ On my mind
Chapter Thirteen
Thirteenth Song ~ On your mind - please come back to me
Please come back to me
That time will no longer come back
Can no longer find another to love as much
I can’t forget you
Who are you being held by as you fall asleep tonight?
Still, you are dear to me
We fail, we make mistakes. We fall but we’re humans so we also have the power to stand up and try again and again until we reach the wanted result. There are many obstacles in our way and some of them might come in the most unexpected way. Our friends can become our enemies and our enemies can become our friends. Our weapon can become the thing to kill us and the ones we love can turn against us and sell us to the devil. Then how can we distinguish between them and pick the right ones?
The answer is that we can’t. The only thing that we can do is to trust and then wait to get hurt.
Something was buzzing but Jin still didn’t want to get up and see what was wrong. His hands tightened their hold around the tiny figure from his arms and tried to continue his sleep, but it seemed to be impossible with that loud ringing so the actor was finally forced to open his eyes and confront the new day. He couldn’t stop the smile from appearing on his lips as his eyes fell on Kazuya who still had his eyes closed and seemed to be still sleeping, not bothered by the sounds.
Heck, why was he the one to hear that bastard ringing at his door at this time of the day? The work for Jin was finished and now he had a week to enjoy Japan before he would finally leave his country for America and his concerts. He was planning to fully enjoy it, to sleep until noon and not leave Kazuya leave from his arms even a moment. This was the perfect day for them as the younger also had a day off from Ryo who had said that he needed to do something to prepare for their trip and their new movie. And now he had to get up at this infernal hour!!
“Coming!” Jin yelled as soon as he closed the door of the bedroom behind him, taking care to not wake Kazuya up with his movement or even breathing. He went to the door and wanted to slap himself when he saw Josh standing in its frame, a stupid grin plastered on his face.
“Morning, yegga!” he greeted and entered the apartment without an invitation, passing by Jin and going to the kitchen to make himself comfortable as he waited to be served with a coffee.
Jin groaned. “What are you doing here?” he asked, looking at his friend who was already settled at the table, feeling like he was at home, and Jin couldn’t actually blame him since he had been the one to encourage his friends to act like this but this wasn’t the right time for this.
“You left last night and we didn’t get to throw you a party for finishing your movie, man!” Josh cheered and stood up to pat Jin on his back, giving him a hug after as congratulation and grinning widely, showing how proud he was of his friend. Jin smiled a little and suddenly felt a little bad for ditching his friends and going on his own to have fun with Kazuya. He was sure that they wouldn’t blame him if they knew the reason he left for but he couldn’t take this chance and confess the truth as long as Kazuya wasn’t approving this.
It seemed that he had to keep Josh company for a little while.
*
In the end, Josh left after an hour when Jin finally decided to kick him out not to get really annoyed and say something that he might regret afterwards. He locked the door of the apartment and stretched his body, thinking at Kazuya that must still be sleeping peacefully in their bed or maybe even be awake and wait for Jin with some other surprises. He grinned to himself and practically skipped to the bedroom, anxious to see Kazuya again even if only an hour had passed since they had last been together. He was really starting to get worried what would happen when Jin will have to go back to America and they won’t see each other for a long time after this. Jin was sure that he wouldn’t be able to stand it and would come back every week to see his lover.
He opened the door slowly, not wanting to risk anything in case that Kazuya was still sleeping. He peeked in the room and saw Kazuya’s form still covered by the sheets and he grinned happily, thinking that this was the first time he had the opportunity to be the one to wake up his lover. The last time he had managed to wake up before Kazuya, he had preferred to stay and gaze at the younger’s sleeping face and before Jin could do anything, he was faced with a pair of open eyes.
This time was going to be different, Jin thought as he went back and closed the door, going to the kitchen again and making a short breakfast. Just some toast, jam and tea, but it was enough considering the clock was already showing 12 o’clock, so Jin danced his way back to the bedroom with the tray full with food in his hands. He opened the door as slowly as the first time and noticed that his lover hadn’t moved at all. He chuckled to himself at how cute his lover was and set up the platter on the night table, tiptoeing to the bed and whispering his lover’s name.
“Kazuya…”
But Kazuya still didn’t move at all and Jin pouted at being ignored. So he got even closer to the bed and with a swift move, he pulled on the sheets to uncover Kazuya’s form from under them. But there was no one there.
“Kazuya?” Jin asked himself with a louder voice this time. But there was no answer. He left the room and searched every room from his apartment, calling his lover all the time, but each time no one appeared in front of him to say that it was just a bad joke and Jin was starting to become more and more worried.
“I’m so stupid.” The actor laughed of himself when he realized that he hadn’t thought even a second to call the younger’s cell. He quickly searched for his own and dialed the number that he already knew by heart, waiting for it to ring. He tried the second time. The third time. Every time, the voice mail would answer and Jin would get more annoyed.
Where could he be?! And why did he leave so suddenly? Was he regretting their night together? No, it couldn’t be this because Jin had felt that this was what Kazuya wanted too and after all their promises, Jin couldn’t believe that this had been the reason for the younger to disappear like this. It must have been something else.
But what? Maybe it was work? Maybe Ryo had called to tell him to come right away? He could easily see Kazuya forgetting about everything else if it was concerning his work and leaving without telling anyone anything. But not even Jin? Not even after their night spent together?
“Ryo? Is Kazuya there with you?” Jin asked his friend, gripping the cell phone as he waited for an answer.
“No, I gave him a free day because you asked for it, don’t you remember, Bakanishi?” Ryo proceeded to mock Jin and laughed of his stupidity.
“So you haven’t called at all?” the actor insisted with the same grave voice.
“I haven’t talked with him since yesterday when he said he was leaving early for your concert.” This time Ryo answered seriously, sensing that something bad had happened from Jin’s way of speaking. He sounded too… different and too worried. “Jin, what’s the matter?”
“He’s gone.” The older sighed helplessly. “Kazuya is gone and I can’t find him anywhere.”
“What do you mean he’s gone?!” Ryo asked, sounding alarmed. “You were with him and he simply vanished or what?!” he then asked, wanting more information about what happened, knowing Jin’s habit to jump to conclusions too easily. But it sounded serious this time. And Jin seemed to be really down because of this.
“Please help me find him, Ryo.” Jin almost begged his friend, ignoring everything else and caring only about finding Kazuya as fast as possible. He couldn’t believe that Kazuya had simply left him without an explanation even if the world was going to be destroyed in half an hour and he wanted to see Yuuya-kun before dying. There had to be something. And Jin feared that it was something bad.
“Don’t worry.” The director encouraged Jin. “I’ll bring Kazuya back to you no matter what.”
*
In the end, the day passed, the night passed, a new day came and Kazuya was nowhere to be found. Not even Yuuya knew anything and Jin had only managed to make him worried as well for his brother. He felt like a jerk for doing this and he hadn’t wanted to say anything to the boy in case he also had no idea what had happened, but this had been his last solution and he had really hoped that Kazuya was safe and sound at his apartment and that all was just a misunderstanding.
It didn’t happen that way.
“I can’t stand this anymore. I’m calling the police.” Jin said and took his phone for the millionth time to dial the number.
“Don’t be stupid.” Pi stopped him yet again and grabbed the phone from Jin’s dangerous hands. “I told you it’s no use and they won’t do anything for now even if it’s you asking. Just wait for Ryo.” He advised his friend with a kind and calm voice, being already too used to this kind of behavior from Jin.
And exactly in that moment, like Ryo had heard them, he entered Pi’s apartment with a grave expression. “I haven’t found anything.” He said even before Jin had time to say anything. “No one knows where he is or what he is doing, but…” he stopped and looked at his friend like he was pondering on whether or not he should share this piece of information with him. “He called Yuuya-kun.” He finally said, biting his lower lip and looking a little mad and furious. “He said he left earlier overseas to work and I covered for him when Yuuya-kun asked me if it’s true.” He completed and felt a little guilty seeing Jin’s devastated expression.
“He left?” But…” Jin seemed like he wanted to say something, but the words were stuck in the back of his throat and he couldn’t make them go out. He didn’t understand. If Kazuya was fine and safe enough to call Yuuya to tell him that he was okay and that he shouldn’t worry, then… why wasn’t he also calling Jin? Was he mad? No, it couldn’t be, there wasn’t any reason for Kazuya to act like this with Jin. Nothing happened between them and on the contrary. Their last night spent together had been wonderful and full with promises about the future and the fact that they won’t part no matter what would happen, that they will be together even if Jin left for America. They had been planning to spend the next week together and to take advantage of every minute they still had before Jin’s departure.
Everything had been great that night. And now… all vanished into thin air.
“I don’t understand…” Jin muttered, not knowing what else to say as he stared with disbelief at his feet.
“You should be the one to know best what happened.” Ryo snapped with a poisonous voice and Jin suddenly felt very small. “You were the last to be with him so it must be your fault that he left. And you don’t even know what you did?” he laughed mockingly and glared at his friend while Jin shyly met his stare. “I thought you were better than this but maybe you aren’t the same person I knew.” Ryo said with a disappointed voice and before Jin or Pi had time to say anything, he left the room and then the apartment.
Silence fell over the other two as both of them stared at the place where Ryo had been, neither of them understanding what had just happened. Why did Ryo seem so upset? Did he find out something about Kazuya? Or had he found the boy? No, it couldn’t be this because Ryo must know that Jin really loved Kazuya and that he would do anything for him. He wouldn’t do this to his childhood friend. But… then what? Pi asked himself, not being able to find a reason. And Ryo’s visit seemed to have made more damage than it should had, he realized as he looked at Jin who still hadn’t moved or blinked or even breathed.
“It was my fault?”
*
“Jin, please, you can’t keep going like this!” Ueda snapped and shook the actor, trying to make him regain his sense. But it didn’t seem to work, like nothing had in the past two weeks that had passed since Kazuya’s disappearance.
“I don’t want to go back to America. What if Kazuya returns and I’m not here?” he asked and looked up at his manager from the couch with hopeful eyes. He hadn’t lost his hope, even more now that he knew for sure that his lover was safe because he had called Yuuya again to tell him news. He couldn’t count on Ryo anymore too because he had left for his movie saying that he’ll manage to do it without an assistant and had wished Jin good luck at finding Kazuya - even if he sounded kind of sarcastic when he had said it.
“Jin, open your eyes already!” Ueda replied, clearly enraged by Jin’s behavior. “Kamenashi isn’t coming back, he has ditched you for someone else and if you don’t leave Japan today, you’ll also lose that big contract you were waiting for! Jin, you had been waiting for an offer like this your whole life!” he begged again, hoping that the thought of his first European concert will make him change his mind.
“I don’t want any concert if Kazuya isn’t there with me.” Jin replied stubbornly, convinced that the younger will come back to him sooner or later. He just had to wait and be patient because Kazuya had promised to never leave him.
It was their bond.
“Then let’s make a deal.” Pi suddenly proposed and Jin flinched, having forgotten that he was also there. “I’ll continue to search for him in your place and you go and finish your work. Then you can come back and do whatever you want.” He said but Jin pouted again.
“Even if you find him, what will you do if he runs away and I’m not here to stop him?” Jin asked like this was an obvious thing to think about.
“But Kazuya loves you, right?” Pi continued with a calmness that even he didn’t know he possessed. “If he loves you and I tell him that you have been searching for him, then he’ll wait for you, won’t he?” he grinned like he had just won the lotto after seeing Jin actually considering his idea.
“I don’t know…”
“It’s perfect, Jin!” Ueda interfered, not wanting to give Jin the chance to think too much of this and decide quickly. “This way, you can have the concert you have been dreaming about for your whole life and then you’ll come and see this Kamenashi if this is what you want!” he exclaimed happily, grinning widely and looking like he wanted this more than the singer himself.
“Well…” Jin seemed to ponder again on his decision, but then he made the mistake to look up and see his friends’ puppy eyes. He had lost that battle. “Okay, but only if I can come back as soon as we find Kazuya.” He was quickly to set up the condition.
“Deal.” His manager agreed fast. After all, he never thought that Kazuya will come back even if Jin still hoped. The actor knew that Kazuya will definitely come back for him because they loved each other and this was more important than anything else.
Jin wanted to believe this.
And like this, three years had passed.
*
“Thank you all for coming!” Jin yelled excited in the microphone and waved to his fans, a big grin plastered on his lips. “This is the last song of the night and I want to dedicate it to one special person.” He smiled and looked through the crowd, like he was searching for someone even if it only lasted a few seconds. “Wherever you are, I hope you’re listening to this song.” He said and the lights went out, leaving the whole venue in complete darkness.
Jin closed his eyes as he waited for the light to pour again on him and when he felt its warmth, he opened them and looked a little sad at his fans as the first lyrics rolled off his lips.
Going crazy, my heart is breaking,
I can't sleep at all.
Trying to get through this
Don't know how I'll do this,
I know that I only got my self to blame (only got myself to blame),
But that doesn’t help to ease the pain (doesn’t help to ease the pain),
I'll just die if I can't see your face.
He still couldn’t believe that three years had passed and that Kazuya still hadn’t appeared. He had gone back to Japan in the first year to search for him but it was kind of useless when he didn’t even know from where to begin. He had tried to search for Yuuya too at the beginning but the boy’s behavior had gone cold suddenly and he hadn’t offered a single word of explanation to Jin, just shutting the door into his face with an anger that he never thought the younger was capable of. Pretty soon, he found out that he also moved and Jin could only suspect that he had gone to live with Kazuya.
This should have made things easier, seeing as he now had two people to search and this also meant two clues. But it proved to be as useless as before and Jin had been forced to go back to America with empty hands yet again.
Until you come back,
I can't breath.
Until you come back,
I got no reason.
Got my heart, my heart down on its knees,
I still need you beside me.
But he still hadn’t lost his faith. He knew that Kazuya must be somewhere out there and he had an explanation for his sudden disappearance. Jin just had to wait for him to come back into his arms, where he belonged and where he’ll always be welcomed. It was just that…it was becoming too hard to breathe sometimes. His heart would hurt so much at night when he’d fall asleep alone in his bed, with no one to wish him ‘good night’, that he sometimes whished for all of this to end even if this meant to not remember Kazuya ever again.
But then he would wake up startled, like he had just had a bad dream and curse himself for what he had been thinking. He’ll always need Kazuya and he’ll always love him.
Now it's morning
You’re still gone and
I still reach for you (still reach for you).
Don't know how to
Live without you,
I will, I can take back all the hurt I've caused
(take back all the hurt I've caused),
If I could give back all the love I lost
(give back all the love I lost),
The price I pay is just to high of a cost yea.
Sometimes, he would wake up in the morning and search for the younger’s warmth even if the nights spent together weren’t that many and Jin could almost count them using only one hand. Still, it felt normal to wake up with Kazuya next to him and he could still remember that morning when he woke up first and just stayed like that, studying his lover’s sleeping face for a long time before he had also woken up. Jin remembered that day to be a happy day, not one full of sorrow like they seemed to be now.
He didn’t know how to live without Kazuya anymore, but he was forced to learn if he wanted to keep his place among his fans’ hearts. He had to smile at them and show that everything was okay and that life was bright and wonderful just like usual. Only at this song, Jin would close his eyes and think of Kazuya and at how much he missed him and wanted to see him again.
Until you come back,
I can't breath.
Until you come back,
I got no reason.
Got my heart, my heart down on its knees,
I still need you beside, beside, beside, beside me.
But in the end, it seemed that nothing mattered. Jin had continued to sing this song in the past years, hoping that Kazuya will hear it someday and come back to him, but… it had been fruitless. And he knew he’d have to let go soon of this painful memory.
Their love had been strong.
But maybe not strong enough.
*
“Jin?”
The last concert of his tour had just ended and Jin was now at a party being thrown to him for completing another successful tour and for the break he was finally going to get after working so hard. Booze was surrounding him and even if only an hour had passed since the beginning, there were already a few of his friends drunk and another one was in bed, snoring loudly but being covered by the music. And for the first time in the past three years, Jin was feeling happy and relaxed, finally partying with the others and feeling the true joy of sharing happiness with your friends.
He was finally forgetting but he had also forgotten that he wasn’t supposed to do it.
“I found him.” He heard Pi’s voice in the phone telling him and Jin froze on the spot, dropping his phone and letting it crash on the floor.
After all this time, he had found him. Kazuya was finally back and Jin… Jin had thought that he had managed to forget the younger but his reaction showed how badly he was wrong. He was trembling and he couldn’t find his words. He couldn’t breathe and he felt like choking with air in the same time, gasping for it and closing his eyes to ignore all those feelings that had suddenly attacked him.
“Jin, are you okay?” Lizzy asked him and only then Jin opened his eyes and realized that he was standing in the middle of his living room, pale like a ghost and frightened like a child. “You dropped this.” She added and handed to Jin his phone. The actor took it with still trembling fingers and left the others, locking himself in his room and dialing again Pi’s number.
“Please don’t get mad, okay?” the younger started as soon as he answered the phone, knowing that if Jin had called him back, then the shock had passed at least a little.
“Why should I get mad?” Jin asked with a hoarse voice, clearing his throat and trying to keep up with the events.
“Just remember that there must be an explanation. I just thought that it’s better if you ask him directly.” Pi continued and now Jin started to become worried. Did something happen to Kazuya? Was he in grave danger and that was why he had had to leave so urgently? Did he find out on that Sunday morning that he had an incurable disease and didn’t want to make Jin suffer?!
“What?!” he demanded to know, feeling like he couldn’t wait any more. He had waited for three years, patience wasn’t exactly what he had now.
“Kame-chan is the new star of an upcoming movie.” Pi finally said and Jin felt himself stiffen. “And Ryo is the director.” He added with a worried voice.
Jin dropped the phone again.
*
“Nishikido!!” Jin yelled like a madman as he walked through the corridors of Ryo’s office building. He had taken the first plane to Japan and had arrived in record time if he could say so himself. He hadn’t packed anything with him and if Lizzy hadn’t stopped him to at least give him his phone, wallet and keys, he would have left bare-handed and stopped at the airport to realize that he didn’t have money to buy a ticket.
He turned right as soon as he exited the elevator and headed straight to Ryo’s office, desperate and furious to ask for an explanation and to demand that he would tell him where was Kazuya. He gritted his teeth as his hand touched the doorknob and turned it to open the door, prepared to yell and scream and do whatever it took to get the truth out of him.
He hadn’t expected to find there the one person he had longed to see.
“Kazuya…”
The other one turned around and looked up at Jin with an unaffected expression, as if it was normal to see him barge into Ryo’s office. “Akanishi-san.” The boy inclined his head a little as if he would do to any other person. “Ryo isn’t right now, but he said he’ll come in a few moments. If you’d like to wait for him…” He pointed to a couch, polite as ever, only that the level of his politeness was as chilly as winter’s wind. “Now, if you’ll excuse me.” He bowed once more and walked past Jin to exit the room. “Goodbye, Akanishi-san.”
Jin remained baffled for a few seconds before finally understanding what had just happened and stopped Kazuya by grabbing his arms and pulling him back. His heart started beating faster as he thought that finally he would have the answers he needed and had searched for so many years. Kazuya was finally in front of him and Jin could swear in that moment that he won’t ever let him go again.
So he did the first thing he thought of, his mind still not processing the younger’s words. He hugged Kazuya, whispering his name with a longing and tearful voice.
Kazuya froze at this action and for a moment the past came once more knocking at his door. But those had been beautiful moments and now they were gone. And he was way past over them. With difficulty, he pushed Jin away from him, looking coldly at the other. “Don’t hug me like you know me.” He said with an even cooler voice than his eyes. “It was umm…” Kazuya made a pause, seeming to decide whether to say it or not. “…nice to see you again, Akanishi-san. Then, excuse me.” He said once more and turned away, opening the door.
This time, Jin felt his heart like it had been stabbed with a million of spears, feeling it pounding loudly in his chest and threatening to get out because it wanted to go after the person who actually owned it. He turned slowly to look at the retreating back of Kazuya’s and before his mind had time to process what he was doing, he found himself stopping the boy yet again by catching his arms and turning him around. His eyes looked hurt as he stared back into the cold ones of Kazuya’s and Jin flinched a little from the hate he could clearly distinguish in them.
“Kazuya…” he said with a trembling voice, his grip on the boy’s arm tightening involuntarily to keep him from leaving. The hall was empty and all of the workers had gone home by now, giving them the privacy they needed and stopping the rumors from appearing - not that Jin was bothering to think of this. He didn’t care about anything else than the man that was now standing in front of him and was looking at Jin with un undecipherable gaze. “What happened with you?” he finally had the courage to ask what was bugging him and hadn’t let him sleep at night for the past three years. “Where were you?” he continued, now that he seemed to have finally found his voice back and had gotten over the shock of seeing Kazuya in Ryo’s office. “And what are you doing here?” he wanted to know, dismay and pain present in his voice.
Kazuya glanced at the hand gripping his and his fingers curled on Jin’s wrist, forcing him to let go. “I work here.” He replied coldly. “As for the rest, I believe it’s none of your business.” He continued with a smile as coldly as his voice. “Other questions? Because I have work and I don’t want to lose my time here right now.” Kazuya checked his watch, politely ignoring Jin.
The actor gaped, not being able to believe that this was the same Kazuya that he knew. Somehow he seemed to be different from the boy he had met so many years ago and the one who had kept ignoring him because they weren’t part of the same world. “Of course I have questions!!” he remembered to say, looking at Kazuya in disbelief. “I have a millions of questions, starting from where were you these past three years and why did you leave me without a word?!” he demanded to know with a slight high-pitched voice.
Kazuya arched elegantly an eyebrow. “I am surprised that after -” He made a pause, thinking for a bit. “What was it? Ah, yes, three years. That after three years, you still think of the past.” The younger continued with a cold chuckle. “As for your million questions, I can’t answer them. Not when I’m in a hurry.” He lowered his head slightly and said an another “excuse me”, turning to leave.
“You’re not leaving anywhere!” Jin finally snapped and grabbed Kazuya by his arms, pushing him to the wall and keeping his hands above his head, their bodies glued, to stop him from escaping his arms. “Kazuya, you left me without any explanation.” He growled and tightened his hold on Kazuya’s hands a little as he felt the fury and anger enveloping him and starting to control his mind.
Kazuya’s eyes widened in shock at Jin’s action, but soon he recovered and cold fury was etched in his facial features. “Then do you want me to say why I left?” He asked with a sarcastic voice. “Do you want me to tell you that I left because I got tired, because I didn’t want to see you anymore?” He continued with a smile adorning his lips. “Didn’t know you were such a masochist. So yes, I left you because I felt like doing so. There’s no other explanation. Now can you release me? You’re quite making the scene and I don’t want anyone to see this, especially when my career is on the line.” Kazuya stood still, not at all perturbed by Jin’s closeness.
But it wasn’t the same for Jin too. He felt his body weaken and he didn’t even realize when his hands had let go of Kazuya’s. His eyes widened in disbelief and he looked like he wanted to believe with all of his heart that he had heard wrong, that this was a bad dream, that this wasn’t the real Kazuya… It couldn’t be. It couldn’t be true that Kazuya hadn’t wanted to see him anymore and had left immediately after they had made love. Jin had been the first one to be with Kazuya like this. Jin had been…
Kazuya slipped away from Jin, barely aware what kind of effect his words had had on the actor. Or if he was, he never showed it. “Thank you.” He said coolly and passed his hands over his outfit, tidying it a bit. His eyes swept over Jin and for a moment something like pity flickered in their cold brown. But he said nothing, bowed once more and headed towards the elevator. It was enough for one day.
He called the elevator and watched intensely how each number lighted orange, approaching his floor. He had come to see Ryo, but instead had stumbled upon Jin. What a day… really. He couldn’t wait to go home and take a nice and long bath to relax a bit and forget about what happened earlier, but it seemed that fate wasn’t on his side when he felt a hand grabbing his arm and pulling him from the elevator.
“You’re coming with me.” Jin simply said, not even looking at Kazuya as he continued to drag him to an empty office.
But Kazuya wasn’t going to listen to Jin that easily, so he tried to free his arm from Jin’s grip, hating the fact of not succeeding and that the older was still acting like three years had not passed at all. “I’m not coming with you anywhere.” He said with an impassible expression, all of his emotions locked away. “Don’t get the wrong idea, Akanishi-san. We don’t have anything in common anymore.” He added, futile trying to pull himself away from Jin.
“Like hell we don’t!” the older barked angry and opened a random door, throwing Kazuya inside and then slamming the door shut. A small click was heard but not loud enough for the two of them to hear it. “I’m not going to let you leave from here until you give me some explanations.” Jin said with a determined voice as he stared at Kazuya with furious eyes.
Kazuya hid a sigh and went to take a seat, silently complying with Jin’s words of not letting him go. Even if three years had passed, Jin was still the same when it came to matters like this, so Kazuya knew better than to fight and create some situations before him. After all, they had nothing with each other anymore. “I don’t know what type of explanation you expect me to offer you.” Kazuya crossed his legs as he sat on a couch. This is what he loved at Ryo - he always knew how to offer the best comfort in an office. The thought of Ryo made Kazuya’s heart clench a bit.
“For starters, tell me where the fuck you had been and why.” Jin demanded as he posted himself in front of Kazuya, his arms crossed and his left eyebrow arched as he waited for the answers he had been searching for three years.
Kazuya glanced up at Jin before turning his eyes away, now staring out the window behind him. “I don’t see the reason why I should tell you such things.” He said with a drawl.
“Oh, I don’t know,” Jin replied with a light and mocking tone, “maybe because I have been waiting like an idiot for you all these years?!” he said like it was just a proposal, but the angry voice showed how much Jin cared about it. And now that he thought of it, he kind of felt like one. He had been waiting for Kazuya to return and to say that he still loved him, but now… Kazuya was addressing him with ‘Akanishi’ and not ‘Jin’ like he used to.
Kazuya laughed coldly. “Did I tell you to wait?” He asked with a shrug, still not looking at Jin, the twilight sky from outside being much more interesting than the actor.
“No, I just thought that it was obvious after you told me that you love me.” Jin answered simply, like this had just happened yesterday and they were now talking about what should they do and how should they act from now on. Like they were supposed to do three years ago. “After you promised that you won’t ever leave me.” He continued and this time he couldn’t hide the hurt from his voice. “After we promised to each other to stay together no matter what.” He said and restrained his need to sob.
This time, Kazuya turned to watch Jin, though his expression was still as unreadable as ever. And when he spoke, you could tell that even his voice was void of emotions. “Promises are words. You believed in them. I have nothing to do with you trusting the wrong words.”
Jin closed his eyes, not wanting to see the sight of such a heartless Kazuya anymore or to even hear his cruel words. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. He had waited for Kazuya to come back, to say how sorry he was for what happened but still add that he had had a valid reason for doing this and that he’ll explain everything and hope for Jin to forgive him. And then Jin will smile and say Kazuya was just acting like a fool and that of course Jin will always forgive him and welcome him back into his arms. And then they will live happily ever after. The end.
It was all wrong. Jin backed away a step, his eyes studying his feet as they continued to back away. His back hit the desk and the actor raised his head, looking up at the ceiling and laughing like a madman. “Of course.” He said and the words had never sounded as devastating as they did then. His eyes stopped after a moment on Kazuya’s form and Jin found himself talking yet again, not being able to stop himself from hurting more. “So that night meant nothing for you?” he asked with a small voice, fearing that Kazuya might not hear him.
But the younger heard and his words slipped like a whip’s hit. “Not even a thing.” Kazuya stood up, feeling that this conversation was futile and they had nothing left to discuss anymore. “Now that we’ve settled everything, I assume I can go back to my business.” He said and kind of waited for Jin to react, not wanting to make the older stop him once more. It was quite a hassle, truth to be told.
But Jin didn’t do anything, just looked at Kazuya with pitiful eyes, like he was trying to beg him to say that all had been a lie and that it was April’s Fool Day and everything was just a big joke. A nightmare. Something his mind had created to make him suffer and feel pain for being a jerk his whole life. But it wasn’t and the only thing Jin could do was to stay there and look at Kazuya as he was going away from him.
Kazuya couldn’t do anything if Jin felt hurt by his words, after all he had been the one insisting that he wanted to know. So, he excused himself for the umpteenth time, heading towards the door and turning the doorknob to pull the door open. The only problem was that it didn’t open. Kazuya frowned and pulled harder - still not opening. With a frown, he turned to Jin.
“Open the door.” He demanded on the coolest tone ever. After all, the older had pulled this kind of thing before so if the door didn’t open was because Jin had closed it and taken the key.
“What are you talking about?” Jin asked with his back turned on Kazuya, not wanting to see his face in that moment.
“Don’t play dumb with me.” Kazuya replied and rattled the doorknob. “The door is closed and you took the key.” He accused and for the first time, he showed an emotion on his impassible face. It was irritation, unfortunately for the older.
“I didn’t take any key.” Jin answered with a scoff as he turned to look at Kazuya and made his way to the door, pushing the younger out of his way and pulling on the doorknob. Once, twice. “It’s stuck.” He concluded with a sigh and a suspicious look at it, kicking the door with his foot but all his efforts remained useless.
Kazuya frowned at Jin. “Do you have a cell phone?” he asked him, not questioning anymore if Jin took the key or not.
The older sighed again as he leaned to the door and fished the phone from the pockets of his pants. He frowned as he looked at it and then proceeded to show it to Kazuya. “Dead.” He simply explained and put it back, before raising his gaze to look again at the younger. “Yours?”
“In the car.” Kazuya replied with a sigh and went to sit down on the couch again. He didn’t say anything else, but it was clear that the two of them will be spending the night together, that if the cleaning ladies won’t pass on this floor and see the two men locked in an office. But Kazuya didn’t dare to hope that much, after all he had given up hope a long time ago. The younger settled better on the couch and looked outside at the quickly darkening sky.
“Great.” Jin snorted and sighed again as he looked at Kazuya. He didn’t seem to have changed that much, not physically at least. He was still the skinny and thin boy Jin had met, even if he had a little more muscles now and even seemed to be more powerful, Jin noticed as he remembered the strength that Kazuya had managed to free himself with from Jin this night. His hair color was a lot darker than Jin remembered it to be and his clothes were definitely expensive and definitely big brand names which didn’t seem that amazing considering the fact that Kazuya was now the star actor of Ryo’s next movie.
Jin didn’t understand. What could have happened to make Kazuya change this much? He still had no idea why the younger had left or why he was acting so cold and saying such hurtful things to Jin. They couldn’t be true, could they? Kazuya hadn’t slept with Jin just because it was fun, the actor was sure of this. He had felt how Kazuya had trembled in his arms and had noticed how shy and uncertain he was when he had told Jin to make love with him and had showed that he had even documented himself for this. It had been sweet at the time but now it was just too confusing.
But now… now Kazuya was saying that he was tired of Jin and that was why he had left.
He took a deep breath and tried to encourage himself as he walked to the couch and took a seat next to Kazuya. He opened his mouth, wanting to say something and closed it back, not finding the guts to do it. It felt weird because Jin had never had problems saying what was on his mind. But now he had to be careful because it seemed that every word of his would bring more hurtful words from the younger. “Kazuya?” he finally called the boy’s name, looking at him in the darkness of the room and waiting for those brown orbs that he had missed so much to settle on his own dark ones.
The younger closed his eyes, thinking that even if it was better for Jin to be ignored, he was still mannered not to be this rude. After a few moments that seemed like an eternity, he turned to look at Jin, his expression as always. “Can you call me Kamenashi?” Kazuya said and for once, he didn’t intend these exact words, but he had done it, so there was no turning back.
Jin stiffened and looked hurt at those words. “So we’re not even friends anymore?” he asked with a small voice, finally starting to feel that Kazuya was different and even a stranger now.
Kazuya passed a hand through his styled hair. “Is there a reason to be?” He asked and brought his legs under him, letting his head rest on the back of the couch. This was how their night was going to be? It was going to be a long night, Kazuya mused a bit displeased.
“Well, I just…” Jin started to say and bit his lips as he looked at Kazuya. Oh, God, how much he had missed this selfish bastard. He was acting like a jerk and the only thing Jin could think of was that he looked incredible and even cute in that position and… “I just thought it would be…” he continued and bit his lips again, chewing on them until they became a little red, “nice.” He finished with the same small and uncertain voice he felt like he had used all his life even if it was only for the past ten minutes.
“But I don’t.” Kazuya replied and even if he had his eyes closed right now, you could still feel his cold attitude. “I don’t have any reasons to be nice and be friends with you.” He added in an undertone, shifting a bit and touching Jin’s leg out of mistake. But he didn’t seem to notice.
But Jin did and his whole body stiffened yet again but he didn’t dare to move, afraid that Kazuya might realize it and go away. Really, how pathetic he could be? He asked himself and laughed out loud, standing up and with his back still on Kazuya. “Just answer me a question.” He said and his voice seemed calm now, lacking any emotion. “Be honest and it will be the last one, I promise.” He continued as he turned to look at who seemed to be now his ex lover, his expressions and feelings hidden by a mask of calmness. “Was it all a game to you or did you love me, at least a bit?”
Kazuya straightened on the couch and stared at Jin, a soft and cruel smile dancing on his lips. There was something burning in his brown eyes, melting all the ice that had been each time his eyes fell on Jin. But it wasn’t the feeling which Jin would have liked - it was disdain. “I won’t answer to such a stupid question with such an obvious answer.” Kazuya replied with a drawl, the smile never faltering from his lips.
“Now really?” Jin asked, raising his voice a little. “Then enlighten me because it’s not clear at all for me!” he demanded and stomped his foot, crossing his arms as if to force the younger to say the truth. He didn’t want to believe that all had been a lie. He didn’t want to believe that all that Kazuya had done was to play with him and then leave him when he didn’t need Jin anymore. It sounded too cruel to be true and in fact, it all matched. Jin had helped Kazuya meet Ryo. Ryo had given Kazuya the chance he had been waiting for. And now… Jin got dumped.
“Figure it out yourself.” Kazuya shrugged and reverted to his former cold self, once more settling comfortably on the couch and staring out the window.
“Oh, fuck it!” Jin cursed, totally losing control as he was put face to face with that arrogant brat he had met the first time. It had annoyed the hell out of Jin that time and now, when he was almost reliving the past, he wasn’t feeling any better just because he was still in love with that creep. “You know what? You’re the one who abandoned me, who left without saying a word! You’re the one who didn’t call to tell me what the fuck were you doing and why weren’t you speaking with me! You’re the one that suddenly returned and now you’re the one acting like a jerk!!” he snapped, saying every thought that went through his mind. “You’re the one who left me thinking like an idiot that you still love me when you never did! So don’t you dare and act like I’m the guilty one for all of this and like I’m the bad guy in this!!” he said, flapping his hands and raising his voice more and more with every word he yelled and every second full of anger that passed.
And everything happened in a fleeting moment. Kazuya was up and hit Jin with all his strength, all of his façade crumbled. “Shut up.” He said and his voice remained still cold. “One fucking word and I’ll hit you more.” He added and his expression was that of a furious and mad man. And as he watched Jin, he slowly realized that he had lost control and he wasn’t supposed to be like this.
PART TWO
Authors:
aroruae&
fighter_of_moon
Pairings: Akame, Ryokame & others along the way
Genre: AU, angst, fluff, drama, smut
Disclaimer: If the boys were ours, you'd be seeing more of them on TV and we'd have them in RL too
Summary: For those who don't give a damn on things like destiny, let me tell you one thing. They are real. And that's what Akanishi Jin was going to find out.
First song ~ Without notice
Second song ~ Water dance
Third song ~ Our story ~ Prologue
Fourth song ~ Crazy Love
Fifth song ~ Affection
Sixth song ~ I.N.P
Seventh song ~ Miracle
Eigth song ~ Change Ur World
Ninth song ~ She said
Tenth song ~ Sun Burns Down
Eleventh song ~ Love or Like
Twelfth song ~ On my mind
Chapter Thirteen
Thirteenth Song ~ On your mind - please come back to me
Please come back to me
That time will no longer come back
Can no longer find another to love as much
I can’t forget you
Who are you being held by as you fall asleep tonight?
Still, you are dear to me
We fail, we make mistakes. We fall but we’re humans so we also have the power to stand up and try again and again until we reach the wanted result. There are many obstacles in our way and some of them might come in the most unexpected way. Our friends can become our enemies and our enemies can become our friends. Our weapon can become the thing to kill us and the ones we love can turn against us and sell us to the devil. Then how can we distinguish between them and pick the right ones?
The answer is that we can’t. The only thing that we can do is to trust and then wait to get hurt.
Something was buzzing but Jin still didn’t want to get up and see what was wrong. His hands tightened their hold around the tiny figure from his arms and tried to continue his sleep, but it seemed to be impossible with that loud ringing so the actor was finally forced to open his eyes and confront the new day. He couldn’t stop the smile from appearing on his lips as his eyes fell on Kazuya who still had his eyes closed and seemed to be still sleeping, not bothered by the sounds.
Heck, why was he the one to hear that bastard ringing at his door at this time of the day? The work for Jin was finished and now he had a week to enjoy Japan before he would finally leave his country for America and his concerts. He was planning to fully enjoy it, to sleep until noon and not leave Kazuya leave from his arms even a moment. This was the perfect day for them as the younger also had a day off from Ryo who had said that he needed to do something to prepare for their trip and their new movie. And now he had to get up at this infernal hour!!
“Coming!” Jin yelled as soon as he closed the door of the bedroom behind him, taking care to not wake Kazuya up with his movement or even breathing. He went to the door and wanted to slap himself when he saw Josh standing in its frame, a stupid grin plastered on his face.
“Morning, yegga!” he greeted and entered the apartment without an invitation, passing by Jin and going to the kitchen to make himself comfortable as he waited to be served with a coffee.
Jin groaned. “What are you doing here?” he asked, looking at his friend who was already settled at the table, feeling like he was at home, and Jin couldn’t actually blame him since he had been the one to encourage his friends to act like this but this wasn’t the right time for this.
“You left last night and we didn’t get to throw you a party for finishing your movie, man!” Josh cheered and stood up to pat Jin on his back, giving him a hug after as congratulation and grinning widely, showing how proud he was of his friend. Jin smiled a little and suddenly felt a little bad for ditching his friends and going on his own to have fun with Kazuya. He was sure that they wouldn’t blame him if they knew the reason he left for but he couldn’t take this chance and confess the truth as long as Kazuya wasn’t approving this.
It seemed that he had to keep Josh company for a little while.
*
In the end, Josh left after an hour when Jin finally decided to kick him out not to get really annoyed and say something that he might regret afterwards. He locked the door of the apartment and stretched his body, thinking at Kazuya that must still be sleeping peacefully in their bed or maybe even be awake and wait for Jin with some other surprises. He grinned to himself and practically skipped to the bedroom, anxious to see Kazuya again even if only an hour had passed since they had last been together. He was really starting to get worried what would happen when Jin will have to go back to America and they won’t see each other for a long time after this. Jin was sure that he wouldn’t be able to stand it and would come back every week to see his lover.
He opened the door slowly, not wanting to risk anything in case that Kazuya was still sleeping. He peeked in the room and saw Kazuya’s form still covered by the sheets and he grinned happily, thinking that this was the first time he had the opportunity to be the one to wake up his lover. The last time he had managed to wake up before Kazuya, he had preferred to stay and gaze at the younger’s sleeping face and before Jin could do anything, he was faced with a pair of open eyes.
This time was going to be different, Jin thought as he went back and closed the door, going to the kitchen again and making a short breakfast. Just some toast, jam and tea, but it was enough considering the clock was already showing 12 o’clock, so Jin danced his way back to the bedroom with the tray full with food in his hands. He opened the door as slowly as the first time and noticed that his lover hadn’t moved at all. He chuckled to himself at how cute his lover was and set up the platter on the night table, tiptoeing to the bed and whispering his lover’s name.
“Kazuya…”
But Kazuya still didn’t move at all and Jin pouted at being ignored. So he got even closer to the bed and with a swift move, he pulled on the sheets to uncover Kazuya’s form from under them. But there was no one there.
“Kazuya?” Jin asked himself with a louder voice this time. But there was no answer. He left the room and searched every room from his apartment, calling his lover all the time, but each time no one appeared in front of him to say that it was just a bad joke and Jin was starting to become more and more worried.
“I’m so stupid.” The actor laughed of himself when he realized that he hadn’t thought even a second to call the younger’s cell. He quickly searched for his own and dialed the number that he already knew by heart, waiting for it to ring. He tried the second time. The third time. Every time, the voice mail would answer and Jin would get more annoyed.
Where could he be?! And why did he leave so suddenly? Was he regretting their night together? No, it couldn’t be this because Jin had felt that this was what Kazuya wanted too and after all their promises, Jin couldn’t believe that this had been the reason for the younger to disappear like this. It must have been something else.
But what? Maybe it was work? Maybe Ryo had called to tell him to come right away? He could easily see Kazuya forgetting about everything else if it was concerning his work and leaving without telling anyone anything. But not even Jin? Not even after their night spent together?
“Ryo? Is Kazuya there with you?” Jin asked his friend, gripping the cell phone as he waited for an answer.
“No, I gave him a free day because you asked for it, don’t you remember, Bakanishi?” Ryo proceeded to mock Jin and laughed of his stupidity.
“So you haven’t called at all?” the actor insisted with the same grave voice.
“I haven’t talked with him since yesterday when he said he was leaving early for your concert.” This time Ryo answered seriously, sensing that something bad had happened from Jin’s way of speaking. He sounded too… different and too worried. “Jin, what’s the matter?”
“He’s gone.” The older sighed helplessly. “Kazuya is gone and I can’t find him anywhere.”
“What do you mean he’s gone?!” Ryo asked, sounding alarmed. “You were with him and he simply vanished or what?!” he then asked, wanting more information about what happened, knowing Jin’s habit to jump to conclusions too easily. But it sounded serious this time. And Jin seemed to be really down because of this.
“Please help me find him, Ryo.” Jin almost begged his friend, ignoring everything else and caring only about finding Kazuya as fast as possible. He couldn’t believe that Kazuya had simply left him without an explanation even if the world was going to be destroyed in half an hour and he wanted to see Yuuya-kun before dying. There had to be something. And Jin feared that it was something bad.
“Don’t worry.” The director encouraged Jin. “I’ll bring Kazuya back to you no matter what.”
*
In the end, the day passed, the night passed, a new day came and Kazuya was nowhere to be found. Not even Yuuya knew anything and Jin had only managed to make him worried as well for his brother. He felt like a jerk for doing this and he hadn’t wanted to say anything to the boy in case he also had no idea what had happened, but this had been his last solution and he had really hoped that Kazuya was safe and sound at his apartment and that all was just a misunderstanding.
It didn’t happen that way.
“I can’t stand this anymore. I’m calling the police.” Jin said and took his phone for the millionth time to dial the number.
“Don’t be stupid.” Pi stopped him yet again and grabbed the phone from Jin’s dangerous hands. “I told you it’s no use and they won’t do anything for now even if it’s you asking. Just wait for Ryo.” He advised his friend with a kind and calm voice, being already too used to this kind of behavior from Jin.
And exactly in that moment, like Ryo had heard them, he entered Pi’s apartment with a grave expression. “I haven’t found anything.” He said even before Jin had time to say anything. “No one knows where he is or what he is doing, but…” he stopped and looked at his friend like he was pondering on whether or not he should share this piece of information with him. “He called Yuuya-kun.” He finally said, biting his lower lip and looking a little mad and furious. “He said he left earlier overseas to work and I covered for him when Yuuya-kun asked me if it’s true.” He completed and felt a little guilty seeing Jin’s devastated expression.
“He left?” But…” Jin seemed like he wanted to say something, but the words were stuck in the back of his throat and he couldn’t make them go out. He didn’t understand. If Kazuya was fine and safe enough to call Yuuya to tell him that he was okay and that he shouldn’t worry, then… why wasn’t he also calling Jin? Was he mad? No, it couldn’t be, there wasn’t any reason for Kazuya to act like this with Jin. Nothing happened between them and on the contrary. Their last night spent together had been wonderful and full with promises about the future and the fact that they won’t part no matter what would happen, that they will be together even if Jin left for America. They had been planning to spend the next week together and to take advantage of every minute they still had before Jin’s departure.
Everything had been great that night. And now… all vanished into thin air.
“I don’t understand…” Jin muttered, not knowing what else to say as he stared with disbelief at his feet.
“You should be the one to know best what happened.” Ryo snapped with a poisonous voice and Jin suddenly felt very small. “You were the last to be with him so it must be your fault that he left. And you don’t even know what you did?” he laughed mockingly and glared at his friend while Jin shyly met his stare. “I thought you were better than this but maybe you aren’t the same person I knew.” Ryo said with a disappointed voice and before Jin or Pi had time to say anything, he left the room and then the apartment.
Silence fell over the other two as both of them stared at the place where Ryo had been, neither of them understanding what had just happened. Why did Ryo seem so upset? Did he find out something about Kazuya? Or had he found the boy? No, it couldn’t be this because Ryo must know that Jin really loved Kazuya and that he would do anything for him. He wouldn’t do this to his childhood friend. But… then what? Pi asked himself, not being able to find a reason. And Ryo’s visit seemed to have made more damage than it should had, he realized as he looked at Jin who still hadn’t moved or blinked or even breathed.
“It was my fault?”
*
“Jin, please, you can’t keep going like this!” Ueda snapped and shook the actor, trying to make him regain his sense. But it didn’t seem to work, like nothing had in the past two weeks that had passed since Kazuya’s disappearance.
“I don’t want to go back to America. What if Kazuya returns and I’m not here?” he asked and looked up at his manager from the couch with hopeful eyes. He hadn’t lost his hope, even more now that he knew for sure that his lover was safe because he had called Yuuya again to tell him news. He couldn’t count on Ryo anymore too because he had left for his movie saying that he’ll manage to do it without an assistant and had wished Jin good luck at finding Kazuya - even if he sounded kind of sarcastic when he had said it.
“Jin, open your eyes already!” Ueda replied, clearly enraged by Jin’s behavior. “Kamenashi isn’t coming back, he has ditched you for someone else and if you don’t leave Japan today, you’ll also lose that big contract you were waiting for! Jin, you had been waiting for an offer like this your whole life!” he begged again, hoping that the thought of his first European concert will make him change his mind.
“I don’t want any concert if Kazuya isn’t there with me.” Jin replied stubbornly, convinced that the younger will come back to him sooner or later. He just had to wait and be patient because Kazuya had promised to never leave him.
It was their bond.
“Then let’s make a deal.” Pi suddenly proposed and Jin flinched, having forgotten that he was also there. “I’ll continue to search for him in your place and you go and finish your work. Then you can come back and do whatever you want.” He said but Jin pouted again.
“Even if you find him, what will you do if he runs away and I’m not here to stop him?” Jin asked like this was an obvious thing to think about.
“But Kazuya loves you, right?” Pi continued with a calmness that even he didn’t know he possessed. “If he loves you and I tell him that you have been searching for him, then he’ll wait for you, won’t he?” he grinned like he had just won the lotto after seeing Jin actually considering his idea.
“I don’t know…”
“It’s perfect, Jin!” Ueda interfered, not wanting to give Jin the chance to think too much of this and decide quickly. “This way, you can have the concert you have been dreaming about for your whole life and then you’ll come and see this Kamenashi if this is what you want!” he exclaimed happily, grinning widely and looking like he wanted this more than the singer himself.
“Well…” Jin seemed to ponder again on his decision, but then he made the mistake to look up and see his friends’ puppy eyes. He had lost that battle. “Okay, but only if I can come back as soon as we find Kazuya.” He was quickly to set up the condition.
“Deal.” His manager agreed fast. After all, he never thought that Kazuya will come back even if Jin still hoped. The actor knew that Kazuya will definitely come back for him because they loved each other and this was more important than anything else.
Jin wanted to believe this.
And like this, three years had passed.
*
“Thank you all for coming!” Jin yelled excited in the microphone and waved to his fans, a big grin plastered on his lips. “This is the last song of the night and I want to dedicate it to one special person.” He smiled and looked through the crowd, like he was searching for someone even if it only lasted a few seconds. “Wherever you are, I hope you’re listening to this song.” He said and the lights went out, leaving the whole venue in complete darkness.
Jin closed his eyes as he waited for the light to pour again on him and when he felt its warmth, he opened them and looked a little sad at his fans as the first lyrics rolled off his lips.
Going crazy, my heart is breaking,
I can't sleep at all.
Trying to get through this
Don't know how I'll do this,
I know that I only got my self to blame (only got myself to blame),
But that doesn’t help to ease the pain (doesn’t help to ease the pain),
I'll just die if I can't see your face.
He still couldn’t believe that three years had passed and that Kazuya still hadn’t appeared. He had gone back to Japan in the first year to search for him but it was kind of useless when he didn’t even know from where to begin. He had tried to search for Yuuya too at the beginning but the boy’s behavior had gone cold suddenly and he hadn’t offered a single word of explanation to Jin, just shutting the door into his face with an anger that he never thought the younger was capable of. Pretty soon, he found out that he also moved and Jin could only suspect that he had gone to live with Kazuya.
This should have made things easier, seeing as he now had two people to search and this also meant two clues. But it proved to be as useless as before and Jin had been forced to go back to America with empty hands yet again.
Until you come back,
I can't breath.
Until you come back,
I got no reason.
Got my heart, my heart down on its knees,
I still need you beside me.
But he still hadn’t lost his faith. He knew that Kazuya must be somewhere out there and he had an explanation for his sudden disappearance. Jin just had to wait for him to come back into his arms, where he belonged and where he’ll always be welcomed. It was just that…it was becoming too hard to breathe sometimes. His heart would hurt so much at night when he’d fall asleep alone in his bed, with no one to wish him ‘good night’, that he sometimes whished for all of this to end even if this meant to not remember Kazuya ever again.
But then he would wake up startled, like he had just had a bad dream and curse himself for what he had been thinking. He’ll always need Kazuya and he’ll always love him.
Now it's morning
You’re still gone and
I still reach for you (still reach for you).
Don't know how to
Live without you,
I will, I can take back all the hurt I've caused
(take back all the hurt I've caused),
If I could give back all the love I lost
(give back all the love I lost),
The price I pay is just to high of a cost yea.
Sometimes, he would wake up in the morning and search for the younger’s warmth even if the nights spent together weren’t that many and Jin could almost count them using only one hand. Still, it felt normal to wake up with Kazuya next to him and he could still remember that morning when he woke up first and just stayed like that, studying his lover’s sleeping face for a long time before he had also woken up. Jin remembered that day to be a happy day, not one full of sorrow like they seemed to be now.
He didn’t know how to live without Kazuya anymore, but he was forced to learn if he wanted to keep his place among his fans’ hearts. He had to smile at them and show that everything was okay and that life was bright and wonderful just like usual. Only at this song, Jin would close his eyes and think of Kazuya and at how much he missed him and wanted to see him again.
Until you come back,
I can't breath.
Until you come back,
I got no reason.
Got my heart, my heart down on its knees,
I still need you beside, beside, beside, beside me.
But in the end, it seemed that nothing mattered. Jin had continued to sing this song in the past years, hoping that Kazuya will hear it someday and come back to him, but… it had been fruitless. And he knew he’d have to let go soon of this painful memory.
Their love had been strong.
But maybe not strong enough.
*
“Jin?”
The last concert of his tour had just ended and Jin was now at a party being thrown to him for completing another successful tour and for the break he was finally going to get after working so hard. Booze was surrounding him and even if only an hour had passed since the beginning, there were already a few of his friends drunk and another one was in bed, snoring loudly but being covered by the music. And for the first time in the past three years, Jin was feeling happy and relaxed, finally partying with the others and feeling the true joy of sharing happiness with your friends.
He was finally forgetting but he had also forgotten that he wasn’t supposed to do it.
“I found him.” He heard Pi’s voice in the phone telling him and Jin froze on the spot, dropping his phone and letting it crash on the floor.
After all this time, he had found him. Kazuya was finally back and Jin… Jin had thought that he had managed to forget the younger but his reaction showed how badly he was wrong. He was trembling and he couldn’t find his words. He couldn’t breathe and he felt like choking with air in the same time, gasping for it and closing his eyes to ignore all those feelings that had suddenly attacked him.
“Jin, are you okay?” Lizzy asked him and only then Jin opened his eyes and realized that he was standing in the middle of his living room, pale like a ghost and frightened like a child. “You dropped this.” She added and handed to Jin his phone. The actor took it with still trembling fingers and left the others, locking himself in his room and dialing again Pi’s number.
“Please don’t get mad, okay?” the younger started as soon as he answered the phone, knowing that if Jin had called him back, then the shock had passed at least a little.
“Why should I get mad?” Jin asked with a hoarse voice, clearing his throat and trying to keep up with the events.
“Just remember that there must be an explanation. I just thought that it’s better if you ask him directly.” Pi continued and now Jin started to become worried. Did something happen to Kazuya? Was he in grave danger and that was why he had had to leave so urgently? Did he find out on that Sunday morning that he had an incurable disease and didn’t want to make Jin suffer?!
“What?!” he demanded to know, feeling like he couldn’t wait any more. He had waited for three years, patience wasn’t exactly what he had now.
“Kame-chan is the new star of an upcoming movie.” Pi finally said and Jin felt himself stiffen. “And Ryo is the director.” He added with a worried voice.
Jin dropped the phone again.
*
“Nishikido!!” Jin yelled like a madman as he walked through the corridors of Ryo’s office building. He had taken the first plane to Japan and had arrived in record time if he could say so himself. He hadn’t packed anything with him and if Lizzy hadn’t stopped him to at least give him his phone, wallet and keys, he would have left bare-handed and stopped at the airport to realize that he didn’t have money to buy a ticket.
He turned right as soon as he exited the elevator and headed straight to Ryo’s office, desperate and furious to ask for an explanation and to demand that he would tell him where was Kazuya. He gritted his teeth as his hand touched the doorknob and turned it to open the door, prepared to yell and scream and do whatever it took to get the truth out of him.
He hadn’t expected to find there the one person he had longed to see.
“Kazuya…”
The other one turned around and looked up at Jin with an unaffected expression, as if it was normal to see him barge into Ryo’s office. “Akanishi-san.” The boy inclined his head a little as if he would do to any other person. “Ryo isn’t right now, but he said he’ll come in a few moments. If you’d like to wait for him…” He pointed to a couch, polite as ever, only that the level of his politeness was as chilly as winter’s wind. “Now, if you’ll excuse me.” He bowed once more and walked past Jin to exit the room. “Goodbye, Akanishi-san.”
Jin remained baffled for a few seconds before finally understanding what had just happened and stopped Kazuya by grabbing his arms and pulling him back. His heart started beating faster as he thought that finally he would have the answers he needed and had searched for so many years. Kazuya was finally in front of him and Jin could swear in that moment that he won’t ever let him go again.
So he did the first thing he thought of, his mind still not processing the younger’s words. He hugged Kazuya, whispering his name with a longing and tearful voice.
Kazuya froze at this action and for a moment the past came once more knocking at his door. But those had been beautiful moments and now they were gone. And he was way past over them. With difficulty, he pushed Jin away from him, looking coldly at the other. “Don’t hug me like you know me.” He said with an even cooler voice than his eyes. “It was umm…” Kazuya made a pause, seeming to decide whether to say it or not. “…nice to see you again, Akanishi-san. Then, excuse me.” He said once more and turned away, opening the door.
This time, Jin felt his heart like it had been stabbed with a million of spears, feeling it pounding loudly in his chest and threatening to get out because it wanted to go after the person who actually owned it. He turned slowly to look at the retreating back of Kazuya’s and before his mind had time to process what he was doing, he found himself stopping the boy yet again by catching his arms and turning him around. His eyes looked hurt as he stared back into the cold ones of Kazuya’s and Jin flinched a little from the hate he could clearly distinguish in them.
“Kazuya…” he said with a trembling voice, his grip on the boy’s arm tightening involuntarily to keep him from leaving. The hall was empty and all of the workers had gone home by now, giving them the privacy they needed and stopping the rumors from appearing - not that Jin was bothering to think of this. He didn’t care about anything else than the man that was now standing in front of him and was looking at Jin with un undecipherable gaze. “What happened with you?” he finally had the courage to ask what was bugging him and hadn’t let him sleep at night for the past three years. “Where were you?” he continued, now that he seemed to have finally found his voice back and had gotten over the shock of seeing Kazuya in Ryo’s office. “And what are you doing here?” he wanted to know, dismay and pain present in his voice.
Kazuya glanced at the hand gripping his and his fingers curled on Jin’s wrist, forcing him to let go. “I work here.” He replied coldly. “As for the rest, I believe it’s none of your business.” He continued with a smile as coldly as his voice. “Other questions? Because I have work and I don’t want to lose my time here right now.” Kazuya checked his watch, politely ignoring Jin.
The actor gaped, not being able to believe that this was the same Kazuya that he knew. Somehow he seemed to be different from the boy he had met so many years ago and the one who had kept ignoring him because they weren’t part of the same world. “Of course I have questions!!” he remembered to say, looking at Kazuya in disbelief. “I have a millions of questions, starting from where were you these past three years and why did you leave me without a word?!” he demanded to know with a slight high-pitched voice.
Kazuya arched elegantly an eyebrow. “I am surprised that after -” He made a pause, thinking for a bit. “What was it? Ah, yes, three years. That after three years, you still think of the past.” The younger continued with a cold chuckle. “As for your million questions, I can’t answer them. Not when I’m in a hurry.” He lowered his head slightly and said an another “excuse me”, turning to leave.
“You’re not leaving anywhere!” Jin finally snapped and grabbed Kazuya by his arms, pushing him to the wall and keeping his hands above his head, their bodies glued, to stop him from escaping his arms. “Kazuya, you left me without any explanation.” He growled and tightened his hold on Kazuya’s hands a little as he felt the fury and anger enveloping him and starting to control his mind.
Kazuya’s eyes widened in shock at Jin’s action, but soon he recovered and cold fury was etched in his facial features. “Then do you want me to say why I left?” He asked with a sarcastic voice. “Do you want me to tell you that I left because I got tired, because I didn’t want to see you anymore?” He continued with a smile adorning his lips. “Didn’t know you were such a masochist. So yes, I left you because I felt like doing so. There’s no other explanation. Now can you release me? You’re quite making the scene and I don’t want anyone to see this, especially when my career is on the line.” Kazuya stood still, not at all perturbed by Jin’s closeness.
But it wasn’t the same for Jin too. He felt his body weaken and he didn’t even realize when his hands had let go of Kazuya’s. His eyes widened in disbelief and he looked like he wanted to believe with all of his heart that he had heard wrong, that this was a bad dream, that this wasn’t the real Kazuya… It couldn’t be. It couldn’t be true that Kazuya hadn’t wanted to see him anymore and had left immediately after they had made love. Jin had been the first one to be with Kazuya like this. Jin had been…
Kazuya slipped away from Jin, barely aware what kind of effect his words had had on the actor. Or if he was, he never showed it. “Thank you.” He said coolly and passed his hands over his outfit, tidying it a bit. His eyes swept over Jin and for a moment something like pity flickered in their cold brown. But he said nothing, bowed once more and headed towards the elevator. It was enough for one day.
He called the elevator and watched intensely how each number lighted orange, approaching his floor. He had come to see Ryo, but instead had stumbled upon Jin. What a day… really. He couldn’t wait to go home and take a nice and long bath to relax a bit and forget about what happened earlier, but it seemed that fate wasn’t on his side when he felt a hand grabbing his arm and pulling him from the elevator.
“You’re coming with me.” Jin simply said, not even looking at Kazuya as he continued to drag him to an empty office.
But Kazuya wasn’t going to listen to Jin that easily, so he tried to free his arm from Jin’s grip, hating the fact of not succeeding and that the older was still acting like three years had not passed at all. “I’m not coming with you anywhere.” He said with an impassible expression, all of his emotions locked away. “Don’t get the wrong idea, Akanishi-san. We don’t have anything in common anymore.” He added, futile trying to pull himself away from Jin.
“Like hell we don’t!” the older barked angry and opened a random door, throwing Kazuya inside and then slamming the door shut. A small click was heard but not loud enough for the two of them to hear it. “I’m not going to let you leave from here until you give me some explanations.” Jin said with a determined voice as he stared at Kazuya with furious eyes.
Kazuya hid a sigh and went to take a seat, silently complying with Jin’s words of not letting him go. Even if three years had passed, Jin was still the same when it came to matters like this, so Kazuya knew better than to fight and create some situations before him. After all, they had nothing with each other anymore. “I don’t know what type of explanation you expect me to offer you.” Kazuya crossed his legs as he sat on a couch. This is what he loved at Ryo - he always knew how to offer the best comfort in an office. The thought of Ryo made Kazuya’s heart clench a bit.
“For starters, tell me where the fuck you had been and why.” Jin demanded as he posted himself in front of Kazuya, his arms crossed and his left eyebrow arched as he waited for the answers he had been searching for three years.
Kazuya glanced up at Jin before turning his eyes away, now staring out the window behind him. “I don’t see the reason why I should tell you such things.” He said with a drawl.
“Oh, I don’t know,” Jin replied with a light and mocking tone, “maybe because I have been waiting like an idiot for you all these years?!” he said like it was just a proposal, but the angry voice showed how much Jin cared about it. And now that he thought of it, he kind of felt like one. He had been waiting for Kazuya to return and to say that he still loved him, but now… Kazuya was addressing him with ‘Akanishi’ and not ‘Jin’ like he used to.
Kazuya laughed coldly. “Did I tell you to wait?” He asked with a shrug, still not looking at Jin, the twilight sky from outside being much more interesting than the actor.
“No, I just thought that it was obvious after you told me that you love me.” Jin answered simply, like this had just happened yesterday and they were now talking about what should they do and how should they act from now on. Like they were supposed to do three years ago. “After you promised that you won’t ever leave me.” He continued and this time he couldn’t hide the hurt from his voice. “After we promised to each other to stay together no matter what.” He said and restrained his need to sob.
This time, Kazuya turned to watch Jin, though his expression was still as unreadable as ever. And when he spoke, you could tell that even his voice was void of emotions. “Promises are words. You believed in them. I have nothing to do with you trusting the wrong words.”
Jin closed his eyes, not wanting to see the sight of such a heartless Kazuya anymore or to even hear his cruel words. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. He had waited for Kazuya to come back, to say how sorry he was for what happened but still add that he had had a valid reason for doing this and that he’ll explain everything and hope for Jin to forgive him. And then Jin will smile and say Kazuya was just acting like a fool and that of course Jin will always forgive him and welcome him back into his arms. And then they will live happily ever after. The end.
It was all wrong. Jin backed away a step, his eyes studying his feet as they continued to back away. His back hit the desk and the actor raised his head, looking up at the ceiling and laughing like a madman. “Of course.” He said and the words had never sounded as devastating as they did then. His eyes stopped after a moment on Kazuya’s form and Jin found himself talking yet again, not being able to stop himself from hurting more. “So that night meant nothing for you?” he asked with a small voice, fearing that Kazuya might not hear him.
But the younger heard and his words slipped like a whip’s hit. “Not even a thing.” Kazuya stood up, feeling that this conversation was futile and they had nothing left to discuss anymore. “Now that we’ve settled everything, I assume I can go back to my business.” He said and kind of waited for Jin to react, not wanting to make the older stop him once more. It was quite a hassle, truth to be told.
But Jin didn’t do anything, just looked at Kazuya with pitiful eyes, like he was trying to beg him to say that all had been a lie and that it was April’s Fool Day and everything was just a big joke. A nightmare. Something his mind had created to make him suffer and feel pain for being a jerk his whole life. But it wasn’t and the only thing Jin could do was to stay there and look at Kazuya as he was going away from him.
Kazuya couldn’t do anything if Jin felt hurt by his words, after all he had been the one insisting that he wanted to know. So, he excused himself for the umpteenth time, heading towards the door and turning the doorknob to pull the door open. The only problem was that it didn’t open. Kazuya frowned and pulled harder - still not opening. With a frown, he turned to Jin.
“Open the door.” He demanded on the coolest tone ever. After all, the older had pulled this kind of thing before so if the door didn’t open was because Jin had closed it and taken the key.
“What are you talking about?” Jin asked with his back turned on Kazuya, not wanting to see his face in that moment.
“Don’t play dumb with me.” Kazuya replied and rattled the doorknob. “The door is closed and you took the key.” He accused and for the first time, he showed an emotion on his impassible face. It was irritation, unfortunately for the older.
“I didn’t take any key.” Jin answered with a scoff as he turned to look at Kazuya and made his way to the door, pushing the younger out of his way and pulling on the doorknob. Once, twice. “It’s stuck.” He concluded with a sigh and a suspicious look at it, kicking the door with his foot but all his efforts remained useless.
Kazuya frowned at Jin. “Do you have a cell phone?” he asked him, not questioning anymore if Jin took the key or not.
The older sighed again as he leaned to the door and fished the phone from the pockets of his pants. He frowned as he looked at it and then proceeded to show it to Kazuya. “Dead.” He simply explained and put it back, before raising his gaze to look again at the younger. “Yours?”
“In the car.” Kazuya replied with a sigh and went to sit down on the couch again. He didn’t say anything else, but it was clear that the two of them will be spending the night together, that if the cleaning ladies won’t pass on this floor and see the two men locked in an office. But Kazuya didn’t dare to hope that much, after all he had given up hope a long time ago. The younger settled better on the couch and looked outside at the quickly darkening sky.
“Great.” Jin snorted and sighed again as he looked at Kazuya. He didn’t seem to have changed that much, not physically at least. He was still the skinny and thin boy Jin had met, even if he had a little more muscles now and even seemed to be more powerful, Jin noticed as he remembered the strength that Kazuya had managed to free himself with from Jin this night. His hair color was a lot darker than Jin remembered it to be and his clothes were definitely expensive and definitely big brand names which didn’t seem that amazing considering the fact that Kazuya was now the star actor of Ryo’s next movie.
Jin didn’t understand. What could have happened to make Kazuya change this much? He still had no idea why the younger had left or why he was acting so cold and saying such hurtful things to Jin. They couldn’t be true, could they? Kazuya hadn’t slept with Jin just because it was fun, the actor was sure of this. He had felt how Kazuya had trembled in his arms and had noticed how shy and uncertain he was when he had told Jin to make love with him and had showed that he had even documented himself for this. It had been sweet at the time but now it was just too confusing.
But now… now Kazuya was saying that he was tired of Jin and that was why he had left.
He took a deep breath and tried to encourage himself as he walked to the couch and took a seat next to Kazuya. He opened his mouth, wanting to say something and closed it back, not finding the guts to do it. It felt weird because Jin had never had problems saying what was on his mind. But now he had to be careful because it seemed that every word of his would bring more hurtful words from the younger. “Kazuya?” he finally called the boy’s name, looking at him in the darkness of the room and waiting for those brown orbs that he had missed so much to settle on his own dark ones.
The younger closed his eyes, thinking that even if it was better for Jin to be ignored, he was still mannered not to be this rude. After a few moments that seemed like an eternity, he turned to look at Jin, his expression as always. “Can you call me Kamenashi?” Kazuya said and for once, he didn’t intend these exact words, but he had done it, so there was no turning back.
Jin stiffened and looked hurt at those words. “So we’re not even friends anymore?” he asked with a small voice, finally starting to feel that Kazuya was different and even a stranger now.
Kazuya passed a hand through his styled hair. “Is there a reason to be?” He asked and brought his legs under him, letting his head rest on the back of the couch. This was how their night was going to be? It was going to be a long night, Kazuya mused a bit displeased.
“Well, I just…” Jin started to say and bit his lips as he looked at Kazuya. Oh, God, how much he had missed this selfish bastard. He was acting like a jerk and the only thing Jin could think of was that he looked incredible and even cute in that position and… “I just thought it would be…” he continued and bit his lips again, chewing on them until they became a little red, “nice.” He finished with the same small and uncertain voice he felt like he had used all his life even if it was only for the past ten minutes.
“But I don’t.” Kazuya replied and even if he had his eyes closed right now, you could still feel his cold attitude. “I don’t have any reasons to be nice and be friends with you.” He added in an undertone, shifting a bit and touching Jin’s leg out of mistake. But he didn’t seem to notice.
But Jin did and his whole body stiffened yet again but he didn’t dare to move, afraid that Kazuya might realize it and go away. Really, how pathetic he could be? He asked himself and laughed out loud, standing up and with his back still on Kazuya. “Just answer me a question.” He said and his voice seemed calm now, lacking any emotion. “Be honest and it will be the last one, I promise.” He continued as he turned to look at who seemed to be now his ex lover, his expressions and feelings hidden by a mask of calmness. “Was it all a game to you or did you love me, at least a bit?”
Kazuya straightened on the couch and stared at Jin, a soft and cruel smile dancing on his lips. There was something burning in his brown eyes, melting all the ice that had been each time his eyes fell on Jin. But it wasn’t the feeling which Jin would have liked - it was disdain. “I won’t answer to such a stupid question with such an obvious answer.” Kazuya replied with a drawl, the smile never faltering from his lips.
“Now really?” Jin asked, raising his voice a little. “Then enlighten me because it’s not clear at all for me!” he demanded and stomped his foot, crossing his arms as if to force the younger to say the truth. He didn’t want to believe that all had been a lie. He didn’t want to believe that all that Kazuya had done was to play with him and then leave him when he didn’t need Jin anymore. It sounded too cruel to be true and in fact, it all matched. Jin had helped Kazuya meet Ryo. Ryo had given Kazuya the chance he had been waiting for. And now… Jin got dumped.
“Figure it out yourself.” Kazuya shrugged and reverted to his former cold self, once more settling comfortably on the couch and staring out the window.
“Oh, fuck it!” Jin cursed, totally losing control as he was put face to face with that arrogant brat he had met the first time. It had annoyed the hell out of Jin that time and now, when he was almost reliving the past, he wasn’t feeling any better just because he was still in love with that creep. “You know what? You’re the one who abandoned me, who left without saying a word! You’re the one who didn’t call to tell me what the fuck were you doing and why weren’t you speaking with me! You’re the one that suddenly returned and now you’re the one acting like a jerk!!” he snapped, saying every thought that went through his mind. “You’re the one who left me thinking like an idiot that you still love me when you never did! So don’t you dare and act like I’m the guilty one for all of this and like I’m the bad guy in this!!” he said, flapping his hands and raising his voice more and more with every word he yelled and every second full of anger that passed.
And everything happened in a fleeting moment. Kazuya was up and hit Jin with all his strength, all of his façade crumbled. “Shut up.” He said and his voice remained still cold. “One fucking word and I’ll hit you more.” He added and his expression was that of a furious and mad man. And as he watched Jin, he slowly realized that he had lost control and he wasn’t supposed to be like this.
PART TWO