I haven't been in the mood for human contact all that much these days. I'm at that point where I know this is going to take me away sooner or later. I can't hold myself together much longer, even If I tried. My body is fighting me, and somewhere in the back of my mind I know this is what I deserve for all those years of abuse. It's a sad waiting ( Read more... )

The flu is kicking my ass. So is life, but more so the flu as of late. I've cancelled all my appointements with anyone on my treatment team for the last few weeks out of fear of what will happen. I'm in a hole, and it wasn't intentional. My hair is falling out in clumps again, faster than I can clear the drains and change the hair ties. This ( Read more... )

this is very much so out of my hands right now, and that's the scariest realization i've had in quite some time. I'm not sure if I'm just lost, or broken, or damaged...or stuck on the sick-cycle carsousel. Maybe that's what this disease simply does, it leaves me guessing at all times, at all hours of the night. Should I really make plans for the ( Read more... )

I'm very run down, but who isn't these days. I'm eating, but the great paradox remains-I don't think my heart can handle the change. I feel like I'm suffocating more often than not. I can't stand the thought of staying on medication for my heart, as the side-effects seem even worse than death. anyway, I'll continue to remain missing in action until ( Read more... )

It scares me to admit that things are so fucking bad right now. But that realization hasn't really hit me smack in the face quite yet because I'm not actively dabbling in self-defeating behaviors. At this point I'm point of self-destruction ( Read more... )

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I appologize if these entries have been rather vague and scattered, but until I put better filters on my LJ I think it is better to leave things censored. Trust me, I could be spitting out a novel with what has been going on in my head over the last month, but it is the same shit stirring in my head everyday, and at the this point I will continue ( Read more... )

things are getting better. New meds have helped, however I just want to hold onto the good moments while they last...because everything seems so fleeting these days. I start classes this week, against better judgement....but I need to do something to perpetuate change.

no updates, I just need to be away lately and forget I exist because I don't have energy to be myself. I'm trying to pull myself together.

I woke up today realizing that this all seems too surreal for me to deal with all at once. The truth is I was expecting to be here, or anywhere, for that matter at this point...and to be standing here leave me at a loss for words, asking "what now ( Read more... )