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Anyone here know a cheerleader? Anyone ever punched a cheerleader? How fucking annoying do you have to be to want to squeal at the top of your lungs about how great you think the football team is? We already know you like the team, you gave them all blowjobs! I never got any handjobs when she came around, that fucking C*U*N*T. Hell even when I got ( Read more... )

I need to keep trying to get into stand-up comedy. I went to open mike at Ridley's to just hang out--no stage time, and Scott Loftis was there. And he introduced me to one of his working comedian buddies, Ward Anderson. This dude is a fucking pimp, telling me about all this ass and head he gets from being a working comic, and I thought it was all ( Read more... )

I just called my manager, Ebony. Ergo, a transcript of the conversation.

God: "Hi Ebony."

Ebony: "Hi Byron (God), I was just about to call you, what's going on?"

God: "I quit."

Ebony: "Well okay b..."

(CLICK)

I just quit OfficeMax today.

Season 6 of the Sopranos starts tonight! It's been 2 fucking years. My bet is that Tony is gonna end up dead or in jail in the series finale.

Life really sucks right now. Still trying to find a girlfriend with no luck. Played the hell out of Devil May Cry 3, which is badass. Still doing comedy. That's pretty much it.

My uncle had me come into his collision shop for 3 days to wash cars and shit. Working from 8-5 sucks, and waking up at 6 sucks even harder. Oh well.

Think about it:

• Jesus is the son of God
• Jesus IS God
• God used his divine semen to knock up Mary
• Ergo, Jesus used HIS divine spooge to get his mom pregnant

JESUS FUCKED HIS OWN MOM! Why do you assholes still worship him?! Mohammed never committed incest.

A good week's worth of comedy, 'twas. I was onstage at the Improv in Ann Arbor on Sunday, Wise Guys on Wednesday, and last night, I made my debut at Detroit comedy boot camp--Club Bart. It feels kinda good knowing I went up at Club Bart so early on, when there's some guys who've done this for years who are too scared to go there. It is THE toughest ( Read more... )

Here's one of them.

Q: What did the nun say after she was raped?
A; Nothing, I killed right afterward.

A Lemmy action figure?!

That's fucking badass. They're also gonna do a Snaggletooth statue. I SHALL BUY.