Kamen /// Sixth Feeling: Despair
banner by naomi0211
Title: Kamen //Can you look right through me?//
Pairing: Akanishi Jin x Kazuya Kamenashi //Akame//
Genre: Romance. Angst, Fluff
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this story. I don't make profit with this.
Summary: Feelings are like masks we put on to convey our inner depth. But sometimes it turns out we use those masks to hide our real feelings...
How well can Jin read Kazuya's feelings; and in return, how much does Kazuya really understand Jin? After being together for so long, things start to change, and feelings start to disappear behind masks...
A/N: English isn't my mother tongue, but I've been living in the UK for quite a time, so I basically write and speak well. You're welcome to correct any mistakes, though. Of course.
I thought, I'd just post it up here already, since it's done and I don't have any intentions of changing it anymore.
Finally, this chapter contains my original idea, that scene of Kazuya I had in mind that eventually led to this project. So, well, this chapter has a changing point to it, but I guess it's changing into a direction taht wasn't really to be expected.
So, after turning slightly possessive and insane in the last chapter, what is going to happen to those two? Can all this get even worse? Is everything really just about that one kiss, that one mistake, Kazuya made? It can't be just that, after all.
Say hello to my friend Yamapi; he's having a huge role in this chap ♥ XD
A/N#2: Kamen (仮面) is Japanese for Mask.
Previous Chapters:
Prologue
First Feeling: Love
Second Feeling: Desire
Third Feeling: Deceit
Fourth Feeling: Abandonment
Fifth Feeling: Missing
Sixth Feeling: Despair
Late night it felt as if he was desperate.
But, Kazuya thought and looked out of the huge window in his living room, he wasn’t desperate.
He wasn’t obsessive; he wasn’t possessive; he just couldn’t get over it. That was all to it. He loved Jin, he would always love him and giving him up would just add another huge mistake to the one he had already made.
Late night it was worse. He was missing Jin badly, realized how much he actually needed the older one, not just physically but also in a psychological way. He wanted to have Jin back by his side, back in the room, looping his arms around Kazuya from behind and pulling him close.
He wanted to know that if he’d call Jin now, he would pick up and listen, would murmur affectionate words to Kazuya; would send him a text message in the morning that he had changed his plans to see Kazuya as soon as possible.
All that was important to the brunette. He needed Jin to turn to, to hold on to and to care for. It wasn’t satisfying to cook for himself, to eat alone, to sleep alone.
Kazuya liked to hold Jin, to know he would never say it, but that Jin needed to be held by him. That Jin needed him just in the way Kazuya needed him.
Since that night a week ago, Jin hadn’t talked to Kazuya at all. He didn’t even react to Kazuya’s looks anymore. He didn’t look back, he didn’t glare, he didn’t show dislike or even distress.
He completely ignored Kazuya.
Looking over the night view of the city, Kazuya pulled his bathrobe together over his chest and tied the belt around his waist tighter. He got over to the table and raised the bottle of wine he had put there early to breathe.
Slowly pouring the deep red liquid into the glass, he watched it with a thoughtful face. Taking the glass into his hand then, he went over again, to his original spot, enjoyed the view.
It surely was beautiful to watch.
This had been a huge criterion when he had bought the apartment. He wanted to have an enjoyable view. And this definitely was enjoyable.
Even so, it didn’t have the usual effect on him. It was beautiful to watch, but it didn’t calm him, didn’t make him feel relaxed.
His thoughts were always going back in time to different memories, to different scenes of him and Jin.
Two days ago, he had followed Jin to his job, had waited outside for him to come back. But when Jin had, Kazuya had remained in his hideout, hat only watched Jin.
Closing his eyes, Kazuya sighed, touching his temple.
Yesterday, he had followed Jin after band practice, had followed without Jin taking notice, had hidden behind doors and what else seemed convenient to watch Jin secretly.
Added to what he had done last week, to sneaking into Jin’s apartment and assaulting him in his sleep, Jin was probably right.
Kazuya probably was insane.
He felt like a stalker, following Jin, coming into his apartment in the middle of the night. He couldn’t even stop thinking of the older one.
Jin probably already was afraid of him. Or he’d be if he’d find out Kazuya was that obsessed with him.
Obsessed, Kazuya thought now and swivelled his wine, before he took a sip.
He had probably really turned out to be obsessive. But in their relationship, Jin had been more of the obsessive one than Kazuya had been.
After all, Kazuya had overlooked all of Jin’s behaviour, hadn’t he? He hadn’t gotten jealous when there had popped up a picture of Jin with some bitchy looking girl nearly every month; he had never gotten jealous when Jin had preferred to spend his nights in clubs with Ryo and Yamapi. He had always let Jin do as he liked, had never said a thing.
And as he had, as Kazuya had tried to make Jin see that he wasn’t fair, that he didn’t do himself good, it had ended in a fight that had eventually led to this.
To them being separated.
After all, Kazuya thought now and took another long sip, he had always been thankful to Jin. It meant a lot to him that Jin had looked at him.
Jin had always seen him; even then when no one else had looked at him.
Kazuya had felt himself reminded of those days during the time he had worked with Tegoshi now. The younger boy had slightly reminded him of himself. He had been so invisible, so insecure of himself just a few years ago and now he had somehow bloomed.
He’d been just as Kazuya had been himself.
Before Jin had found him.
Jin had taken his hand, had seen Kazuya was able to shine, and was special in his own way. Jin had been there to say he would guide him, would take Kazuya with him, would always be by his side.
First, he had said it as a friend, later on, he had said it as Kazuya’s lover.
Of course, Kazuya had learned to walk on his own, to go his own path. He didn’t actually need Jin anymore to be successful and reach his aims. But he wouldn’t have come this far without the older one.
Jin had given him a lot of courage; Jin had been the one to make him go on.
Alone for that reason Kazuya deeply loved Jin, but while spending so much time with Jin, Kazuya had found, he not only was thankful, he also had started to fall in love with everything else about the older one.
His smile, his eyes, the way he looked at Kazuya. His look that said he didn’t care for anyone else but himself and how it changed when he looked at Kazuya; when his eyes said that nothing was as important to him as the younger one.
Kazuya had started to love all that about Jin and soon he had looked at Jin in a different way.
Probably in the way, Jin had looked at him from the beginning.
Otherwise he would not have seen Kazuya among all those other invisible kids, would he have? Kazuya doubted it. Jin must have seen Kazuya from the beginning; must have loved him deep inside of him, long before he had realized it had been that love that had made Jin take a step closer and pull Kazuya out of his corner.
Why couldn’t Jin remember that?
Kazuya’s expression got bitter, he looked at the wine, before he drank the rest in one go and then, in a sudden rage attack, he threw it against the wall across the room.
Staring at the broken pieces, he calmed down again and the bitterness came back.
Why didn’t Jin remember? Why didn’t he look at Kazuya more carefully and saw that he was serious? Why did Jin forget about everything they had just because of one second Kazuya had acted wrong? Because of one mistake, Kazuya still suffered for so badly?
All he could do was looking at Jin, longing for him, dreaming of Jin.
And that made him feel so desperate.
But he wasn’t. He was probably a little bit possessive; slightly obsessive.
But Kazuya was not desperate.
“Come on, Jin”, Yamashita said and frowned as his friend didn’t react.
They were in Jin’s apartment, the TV was on, but they both didn’t pay much attention. Jin had been staring at the mantelpiece of his fire place for a while now; to the spot where the few pictures he treasured stood.
One showed his parents, one his brother and one, all of them together. Another one showed Jin with Ryo and Yamashita when they’ve been out together a few years ago. Another one showed him with Kazuya, still very young. It had been taken in a train, both of them sleeping and leaning against each other. Kazuya’s head rested on Jin’s shoulder; Jin’s rested on Kazuya’s hair.
Yamashita wasn’t sure whether Jin really looked at one of those photos, but he looked in their general direction.
“Don’t you want to tell me what’s bothering you?”
Jin turned his head to him and looked at Yamashita. “Nothing’s bothering me.”
“Jin”, the younger one leaned in to him. “You’ve been not sleeping well recently, have you? You’re looking pale and you lost weight.”
“That’s not necessarily a bad thing”, Jin answered. “It only means I have a lot of work.”
“You space out during conversations.”
“Only, when they are boring.”
“Jin, don’t kid me.” Yamashita gave him a sorrowful look. “I know something’s not right. There’s something bothering you.”
“Even if there was, you couldn’t do anything.”
Yamashita probably was the quiet type and seemed a little expression-, even emotionless, but he was still a very caring person. And if it was about his friend, he’d be very caring. “I can listen to you and probably give you an advice.”
Jin snorted. “I guess, I don’t need them, thanks.”
“Jin”, Yamashita just said in a serious tone.
Jin got up and into the kitchen, to get himself some beer. Only because he knew Yamashita meant it good with him, he brought one for him as well.
For a while they sat in silence and stared at the TV screen, without really watching the program. Then, Jin put his can aside and said: “Do you really like that girl you’re dating right now, Pi?”
The younger one raised a brow at that topic. They usually didn’t talk about their relationships. And Yamashita wasn’t sure where Jin wanted this conversation to go to, since he was sure Jin hadn’t dated any girl in years by now. He was just playing with them.
Shrugging his shoulders, he showed of some discomfort. “I wouldn’t date her if I didn’t.”
“Then are you really in love with her?”
“What’s that about, Jin?”
“You’ve wanted me to talk about it. So here I go”, Jin said without looking at his friend.
“Are you seeing someone?”
Jin gave him a quick glance. “I’ve been seeing someone for more than two years now, Pi.”
The other male gaped. “What? Who? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“It’s not important whom I’ve been seeing.”
“Believe me, it is.” Yamashita gave him curious looks. “Do I know her?”
Jin shook his head. “Don’t ask who it is, okay?”
After a moment of silence, Yamashita nodded. “Then, what’s the problem?”
“Well...” Once again, Jin noticed that he was really bad at showing his feelings. He’d always just been able to do that with Kazuya. It had been easy to open up to the younger one--- and it had been enough for Jin. He had only needed that one person to be completely honest to. That made it difficult for him now to open up to someone else.
But it was probably not a bad idea to find someone other than Kazuya to let know what Jin was feeling.
“Imagine you’ve been seeing her for so long. To stay with a person for more than two years, you really have to love her, don’t you think?”
Yamashita just nodded. He sensed it would be better to let Jin just talk until he would directly ask him to speak.
“I really love that person, Pi. But what if that person changes?” Jin threw him a look. “You know? You think you know everything and every side of that person and then it turn out there’s something about her you didn’t know, you’ve never seen.” He bit his lip. “It scares me.”
“But as long as she still has those features and characteristics you fell in love with, that shouldn’t matter too much, should it?”
Jin thought about that for a moment, then he said: “I broke up.”
Yamashita stared at him. “Then what is this about?”
“I’m not getting over it.”
“You must have had a reason to break up. If you can’t take how she changed…”
“That’s not it”, Jin interrupted and got up to wander around the room. “The person changed after we broke up. Before that… it wasn’t like that between us.”
Yamashita just frowned. “Jin, what are you trying to tell me?”
“There was someone else.” Jin stopped and stared into that direction again, making Yamashita follow his gaze. “I broke up because that person kissed someone else; broke my trust.”
For a moment, the younger one just stared at him. Then, he got up, too and gripped Jin’s shoulders. “Uchi?”
Jin blinked at him. “What is with him?”
Yamashita pulled of a nervous laugh and stepped back. “Oh my God, I really thought for a moment you were trying to tell me it was Uchi.” He turned and laughed again. “You know, Ryo-chan was telling me a while back that Uchi has a crush on Kamenashi-kun and that they kissed.”
Jin swallowed thickly. “I didn’t know Ryo was up for gossip that much.”
“Oh, if you tell Ryo-chan to keep something a secret he won’t spill it by all means. If you don’t, he won’t think it’s serious.”
“So, he tells it to whoever he wants?”
“Not really. He’s not a tattletale.” Yamashita shrugged. “However, Uchi was very down apparently, since Kame-chan had turned him down.”
Jin nodded, bit his lip. “I know.”
Turning to him, Yamashita titled his head. “Ryo-chan told you about it, too? Then he probably is a tattletale…”
“I’ve been with him when Uchi called.”
“Oh, if that’s the case”, Yamashita said and sat down again. “However, you weren’t finished, were you? I’m sorry for interrupting. But it really shocked me to think you could probably be talking of Uchi, Jin.”
For a moment, Jin thought about pro and contra of what he was up to, then he simply said: “You weren’t that wrong about it, Pi.”
The younger one tensed and his jaw dropped. “It’s him after all?”
“What connections do I have to Uchi?” Jin got annoyed and turned away. “It’s the other one, Pi. The one much closer to me.”
Now, Yamashita couldn’t say a word anymore. “Kame? You’ve been dating Kame for so long?”
Jin nodded, but didn’t turn. “We’ve been together ever since I came back from America.”
“Holy shit”, Yamashita just managed to say. “And we didn’t even notice a thing.”
“We were good at hiding it.”
“You broke up because he was with Uchi?” Shaking his head, Yamashita stared at the table. “This is too much. I neither knew about you, nor Uchi, nor Kame.”
“It’s nothing you would spill to anyone.” Jin looked at Yamashita now, saw the disbelief and confusion.
“Anyone, Jin? We’re friends. At least you could have told me. I would not have told anyone about it.”
“I hope you won’t.”
Yamashita sighed and palmed his face. “You, Kame, Uchi. What did it end like?”
“As I’ve said, I was with Ryo when Uchi called him”, Jin explained. “Ryo told me about it, I confronted Kazuya with it and broke up.”
“And he’s with Uchi now?”
Jin shook his head. “He’s following me, begging me, he’s… even stalking me, Pi. It’s something he’d never done; I don’t know what that’s about.”
“He obviously is desperate. Jin.”
“I can’t ever trust him again.”
“It was only a kiss, Jin. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or something. Ryo said they were both drunk.” Yamashita raised a brow. “Don’t you think you’re exaggerating?”
Jin looked at Yamashita with a bitter face. “Exaggerating? He kissed him, Pi. That’s cheating.”
Yamashita smiled. “And I bet he already told you a million times that it had meant nothing.”
“That doesn’t matter; he still did it. He forgot about me and kissed someone else.”
“Didn’t you ever think about that it’s probably because you didn’t give him something he needed and he found in Uchi?”
Jin fell silent, lowered his head. “Okay, we’ve been fighting before he went, but…”
“You’ve been fighting, yeah?” Yamashita clicked his tongue. “You’ve been fighting, he was mad and disappointed of you, and kind of all alone in Osaka. And there Uchi was, showing interests in him, giving him some comfort. Jin, don’t blame him for a weak moment if he honestly regrets it now.”
Jin sighed. “I thought about that, too. But if he ever does something like that again…”
“… you won’t survive it, right?”, Yamashita finished the sentence. “Doesn’t that show how much you still love him?”
Jin only bit his lip, looked at the photo again.
“You know, Jin. Ever since I joined this company, you’ve been together with Kazuya. I never really noticed him myself, but at some point I noticed there was a kid always following you around. After a while, he was that to everyone. Jin’s little attachment.”
Jin shrugged his shoulders. “That’s not what it was like.” He didn’t like how everything Yamashita had said made sense. He was too stubborn to acknowledge the younger one was right with what he said.
“We all just saw that in him, Jin. But you saw more, didn’t you? You had that special bond to him right from the beginning.”
He had had. He had seen Kazuya shine and he had known the younger one had been completely special. But he wouldn’t let Yamapi get him weak and admit it and make him run back to Kazuya. Even if he had to lie about the truth.
“I didn’t.” Jin shrugged his shoulders. “I didn’t see that in him, not at all. I just felt pity, because I thought he was cute and he’s been the only one all alone.”
Yamashita frowned at him.
“What you’ve seen was right. He was like an attachment. I never asked him to follow me, but being nice to him once, he was like a puppy, seeing me as his saviour. I just let him.” Jin sighed a bit. “I never thought he’d pull something off, I’ve never seen him becoming as successful as he is now. I always thought I’d get rid of him in the middle of the way up to the top.”
“But you didn’t”. Yamashita said.
“Even worse, he became better than me.” Jin turned to look at Yamashita, since now he could look him in the eye, because that was the only thing he was honest about, out of everything he had just said. “I couldn’t take that and it made me hate him just a bit somewhere inside me.”
Yamashita gave him a sad look and didn’t say anything for a while, when he spoke up then, his voice was reassuring. “So, after all it’s not just about that kiss. You could forgive him about that kiss, don’t you? But you don’t want to, since you use it as a reason to punish him for getting higher than you, without actually letting him know.”
Jin shook his head and tried to look away again, but he noticed Yamashita’s eyes on him. “I couldn’t ever tell him.”
“It wouldn’t make you any better than him.”
Jin gave him a questioning look, not quite getting what Yamashita meant.
“Well, Jin. He cheated on you by kissing Uchi, but you’re not any better. You accuse Kame of not loving you enough, but you’re putting your pride over your love for him yourself. It’s not that different.”
Yamashita got up and shook his head at Jin. “I always thought that Kame was somehow special to you, but hearing you say that…”
The older one just remained quiet. It had been a mistake to tell Yamashita. He had changed his view and now Jin couldn’t only blame Kazuya anymore, since he knew his friend had been right with every word he had said.
Jin didn’t like that; he didn’t want to acknowledge he had ratted Kazuya, as well. And he already had for a long time. Every time he had been jealous, every time he had been envious of the younger one for getting better jobs.
“Fix it, Jin. It’s the only thing you can do. No matter if you make up or break up completely. The way it is now, it’s neither good for you nor is it for Kame.”
Yamashita got up and walked over to the corridor. “I really don’t get you guys.”
Jin followed him, without saying a word, but as Yamashita had slipped into his boots, he pulled himself together and opened the door for him.
“It’s been two years, Yamapi. It’s hard to throw that away.”
“Then you know what you have to do.” Yamashita sighed and then pulled Jin into a hug, just as he always did when they parted. Patting his back lightly, he held him just a second longer than usually. “I don’t like to see you so down.”
“It hit me hard when I found out”, Jin just said. “It’s hard to get to my feet again.”
Yamashita walked out and raised his hand. “Let Kame-chan help you; I am sure he can make you feel better.”
Jin gave him a smile and watched his friend, until he got into the elevator. Then he got back into his apartment and closed the door.
Leaning against the cool wood, Jin sighed and closed his eyes.
This was worst. Of course, Yamashita was right and of course he still loved Kazuya. Just a bit, he could even understand the younger one, knew that he just couldn’t give up and just did all those things because he was desperate.
But Jin was just as desperate, because he didn’t know what to do.
Desperate, Jin thought and slid town to crouch down at the floor. They probably were both desperate in different ways.
Jin tried to protect his own feelings, while Kazuya risked everything to get Jin back.
It was a situation that Jin didn’t know to handle. He wanted Kazuya back, but he wanted to do it right this time. He wanted to stop that feeling inside of him, that part of him that was so jealous of Kazuya. That part that didn’t love him.
He lied when he said he loved Kazuya; because he couldn’t do it whole-heartily. He couldn’t love Kazuya with everything he was, because there was always that part within him that would look at Kazuya as a rival; that would push him to try to be better than the other one.
He wasn’t completely honest, but Kazuya wasn’t, either.
How could they possibly make it work again when things were like that between them? There was no way to it; there was no guarantee things wouldn’t turn out like this again.
When would Jin sit here next, trying to find a solution? Being torn between loving and hating Kazuya? When would be the next time, he’d be insecure of Kazuya really loving him back?
It had probably been his own mistake, for never putting as much effort into their relationship. Not as much as Kazuya had.
Probably, Yamashita had been right and he had pushed Kazuya. Had made Kazuya long for something he hadn’t found in Jin; or worse, something Jin couldn’t give him.
All those thoughts made him even more insecure and afraid. How should he face Kazuya from now on? They couldn’t possibly get back to where they had been.
Sighing, Jin got up from the floor and locked his door. Then he got back to his living room.
But in the middle of the way, he stopped and frowned.
Turning, he went over to the door again and his eyes widened; in shock, he stared at the lock for a moment.
With a quick move, he pulled out the key and looked closer at it.
It didn’t look used at all; the metal was shining silvery and was attached to a small charm. It was pink and red and the character printed in gold read love.
Jin held the key in his hand and then fisted it, closing his fingers around the cool metal, as he closed his eyes and tried to hold back a frustrated moan.
The key was Kazuya’s.
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I was posting this without the actual chapter first. Oh, my... It's late, I had a few drinks, honestly. But other than that, I am fine and can think clearly.
Probably they drive me insane, too O_o
Thanks so much for reading, as always. I'd better get some sleep now ^^;;;