Drowned in Silence /// Eighth Word: Certain
banner by naomi0211 ♥♥♥
Title: Drowned in Silence /// Words we could never find ///
Pairing: Akanishi Jin x Kazuya Kamenashi //Akame//
Genre: AU!!!, Romance, Angst
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this story. I don't make profit with this. The plot is mine and I DO NOT COPY anyone's writing.
Summary: It's been more than two years, since they had decided to part ways. Now, they meet, their paths cross again and Kazuya and Jin are confronted with memories of that one week they once shared. But probably, nothing has changed; they are probably still the same --- unable to find the words that would make their paths become one.
A/N: English isn't my mother tongue, but I lived in the UK for quite a time, so I basically write and speak well. You're welcome to correct any mistakes, though. Of course.
A/N#2: This is a Sequel to Seven Days, you should have read that multichapter to understand this, I guess.
Now, everything is out, they all know and what is going to happen now??? How are they going to take all this?!
Enjoy reading ♥
Previous Chapters:
Prologue
First Word: Remember
Second Word: Oblivion
Third Word: Attraction
Fourth Word: Unsteady
Fifth Word: Weak
Sixth Word: Complicated
Seventh Word: Strong
Eighth Word: Certain
Everyone just stared back and forth from Mirai to Jin for a few times; then it was Tegoshi finding his voice first.
“Akanishi is your boyfriend?” His look was unbelieving.
“I…” Mirai just bit her lip, shook her head.
“What? But weren’t you…”, Yamashita started, but got cut off by Jin.
“We’re not a couple anymore, Pi. We broke up.” He just shortly glanced at Kazuya, noticed the younger one was still staring at him in disbelief.
Silence followed that and now, everyone looked at Kazuya. He took another step back and lifted his hands, unsure what to say or do.
“You broke up”, Ryo repeated and stepped next to Jin. “Just that suddenly?”
“It’s none of your business”, Jin said immediately and turned his head, avoiding Kazuya’s look. He could feel those eyes on him.
Kazuya stared at him for a moment longer, then he looked down, tried to gather as much calmness as possible.
This had to be a lie. Probably a trick to prank him; Tegoshi was capable of anything, he knew that too well.
But as Kazuya looked up again he saw that everyone was still looking so uneasy and uncomfortable, and he knew that this had to be the truth; that all this really happened.
“Um”, Mirai spoke up and everyone turned their attention to her. “I guess I want to go home, after all.”
The few other girls in their group immediately hurried over to her side, offering to come with her.
“You shouldn’t”, Jin just said and everyone fell silent again. “I’m going to leave.”
Kazuya lifted his look to Jin again and he felt a sudden shudder, as he saw Jin was looking at him, too.
She didn’t say a word, didn’t even look at Jin and he gave Yamashita a tired smile, nodding his head, as he walked past the group. “I’ll see you another time.”
“Yeah, just give me a call”, Yamashita mumbled.
Kazuya kept looking at Jin, but didn’t even move as Jin passed him, their shoulders slightly touching. He didn’t turn, as Jin left, didn’t go after him.
Tegoshi cleared his throat, as the door had closed behind Jin. “So, well…”
“What a great start”, Ryo commented.
Yamashita threw him a glance, before he put an arm around Mirai’s shoulders and grinned widely. “We better get going, huh?”
Dragging Mirai along, he went ahead and Ryo shrugged a shoulder, following them.
Kazuya immediately held Tegoshi back, gripping his wrist and they fell behind the others.
“Why was Jin even here, Yuya?”
“Ah, well”, his friend giggled nervously. “I think Tomo invited him along?”
“Yuya.”
“Okay, okay. I knew you’d bring Mirai-chan, so I told Tomo to invite Akanishi”, Tegoshi admitted. “I just wanted him to get a little jealous.”
“Great”, Kazuya commented.
“I couldn’t know you were dating the same girl! You should have told me.”
Kazuya laughed slightly, bitterly. “I didn’t know that, either.”
“You…” Tegoshi gasped. “Did he know?”
“Probably.” Shrugging a shoulder, Kazuya sighed. “He probably knew who she was.”
They reached the bar and everyone else was already inside, except for Koki who was waiting outside for them.
He just patted Kazuya’s shoulder and threw him a gentle look, receiving a slight smile for that.
Tegoshi went ahead without a word and Koki held Kazuya back for a moment.
“That girl… Jin’s girlfriend”, he started and Kazuya bit his lip. “Do you like her?”
Kazuya shrugged a shoulder. “We went to middle school together.”
“Did you like her back then?”
He answered it with a short nod, avoiding Koki’s eyes.
Koki let go of a sigh. “I thought so. So, Jin’s dating the girl you liked in middle school and now, suddenly breaks up after he met you again.”
Kazuya just gave him a look, knowing what Koki was about to say.
“And do you really think all this is a coincidence?”
It couldn’t be, Kazuya knew that. After all, Jin had met her two years ago and he knew that she had been the one Kazuya had loved.
It was hard to even just imagine Jin would want to hurt him like that on purpose, but it really seemed like exactly that had happened.
“No”, Kazuya answered after a moment and looked up at Koki. “It’s most likely no coincidence.”
He survived the evening.
Mirai was fortunately distracted by her friends and the other boys who were all taking care of her; making sure she’d have a good time, so that she would forget about Jin.
It seemed to work well for her, but for Kazuya nothing worked.
He let Tegoshi and Koki refill his glass several times, but he didn’t get drunk, as he had hoped to.
Instead, Kazuya felt as if he’d just get more and more sentimental.
He watched Mirai for a moment, saw her laughing at a joke someone had made, her eyes sparkling in real amusement. But whenever she’d be left alone for a second, her eyes would get that look, as if she was empty and everything she said and did tonight was just put on; like a mask.
She was hurt over what Jin had done to her; over being betrayed, cheated on.
Kazuya turned his look away and took another sip from his beer, rubbing his face then.
What if she found out? Found out who it was Jin had cheated on with her? What would she react like if she knew it was Kazuya who was at fault for all her grief?
Had Jin done that on purpose? To hurt both of them, to make them suffer?
Kazuya couldn’t imagine it, didn’t want to believe that, but he couldn’t see why it wasn’t like that, couldn’t see a reason for this theory being false.
He emptied his glass and then got up. “I’ll be going first.”
“Already?” Tegoshi got up, too and gave him a worried look.
“I’m not feeling too well, I better go home.”
Tegoshi bit his lip, but then nodded. “Shall I…”
“It’s fine, Yuya”, Kazuya said with a slight smile. “I’ll give you call.” He bid goodbye to the others and left without turning once again.
At the door, he was held back, someone gripping his wrist.
“Kazuya.”
He didn’t know if he’d have the strength now to turn and face Mirai. Kazuya was afraid she would look through him in an instant; see why he was so down.
“Are you alright? What’s wrong?”
He put on a smile and turned to her. “I’m just not feeling well. I go and get some sleep.”
Mirai lowered her gaze. “I’m sorry for keeping you awake for so long last night.”
“No, not at all”, Kazuya answered and shook his head. “That’s not why…”
She took the last step and closed the distance between them, putting her arms around Kazuya’ waist and nuzzling against him.
“Thank you, Kazuya.”
Kazuya slowly felt his heart breaking. Breaking because she put that much trust in him, searched for his comfort, depended on him.
He didn’t deserve that trust; he had already broken it.
Gently, Kazuya took her shoulders and pushed her a little back, smiling weakly. “You better go back enjoy yourself and forget about that jerk.”
She smiled back and nodded, letting go of Kazuya.
He watched her leave, waited until she was back inside with the others; only then, Kazuya turned and left, quickly running from that place.
That jerk, he repeated in his thoughts and wished it would be that easy. Kazuya wanted to believe that Jin just was a bad guy, one of those only using others, always just thinking of himself.
He knew it would have been easy to believe it, to get fooled by the image Jin tried to make everyone see and believe.
Unfortunately, Kazuya knew better.
He knew Jin wasn’t like that, knew Jin did care for others. That Jin was thoughtful about the ones he loved, the ones he treasured.
And there weren’t many who were dear to Jin; just so very few people he called friends.
Not one person he called beloved.
Kazuya stopped, his breath going heavy from running all the way and he looked up at the sky, once again finding it glimmering in a fading red light that overlapped every light of the stars above.
The sky always looked like that at night, no matter if it was cloudy or clear or if it was raining. There always was that shine of the city lights brightening the night sky.
He looked down again and took his key out of his pocket, making his way up to his flat.
At times like this, Kazuya regretted living alone. It’d be nice to come home, finding his brother in the kitchen and sitting there; talking about the day, discussing the current baseball season.
Instead, he’d be alone with his thought in that silent flat, alone until he’d fall asleep, trying to forget about it.
He reached his floor and as he got out of the stair case, looked down the corridor, Kazuya wanted to turn and run away again.
He wasn’t ready yet to face Jin.
Standing still, he stood in his spot, until the door behind him fell closed with a quiet thud. Jin lifted his head to the sound, looked into Kazuya’s direction.
He crouched next to Kazuya’s door, his knees pulled to his chest, his eyes rather empty. Kazuya wanted to mistake that look for indifference, but it was a bit too blank for that.
Jin got up to his feet, his eyes still on Kazuya.
“I’ve been waiting for you.”
Kazuya finally moved, making his way over. “You shouldn’t have.”
Jin didn’t make any attempt to touch Kazuya, he watched him unlocking the door. “I’m sorry, Kazuya.”
“Yeah, sure.” Kazuya opened the door, threw Jin a look. “I’ve had enough, Jin.”
As Kazuya walked inside, Jin followed him without waiting to be asked. He knew Kazuya wouldn’t ask him, however, he wasn’t welcome right now, so he just took that decision from Kazuya. “I didn’t know she was that girl.”
Kazuya spun around to him and for a moment just stared at him in disbelief; then his anger came through again and he rushed towards Jin, pushed him back to the wall.
“You didn’t know? Stop kidding me, Jin. Of course you knew.”
“How could I have? I really…”
“You met her”, Kazuya interrupted his words. “We met her that Saturday in Yokohama, didn’t we? You even talked to her!”
Jin just blankly stared at Kazuya for a moment, his shoulders pressed to the wall, Kazuya’s fingers clutching into them. It hurt, but Jin didn’t dare to complain or move.
“I… I didn’t remember. She looked different back then. I didn’t recognize her.”
Kazuya bit his teeth together and gave Jin another rough push, before he turned around. “You honestly are an idiot.”
“Kazuya”, Jin said firmly and went after him. It explained why he’d always been so strangely reminded of Kazuya by her, he realised now.
Because he had met her before, together with Kazuya.
“What?” Kazuya’s voice was stirred. He sounded tired and drained. “What, Jin? Why did you do that? Why did you break up with her?” He turned and gave Jin a desperate look. “I told you not to, didn’t I?”
“I’ve cheated on her; it would not have been fair to stay with her”, Jin answered honestly.
“You shouldn’t have cheated on her. Really, how could I let you do that?”
Jin just gave him a smile, tired and weak, but obviously kinky.
“It’s my fault”, Kazuya admitted, turning away from that look in Jin’s face. He could read the older one’s thoughts and that was distracting to him, confusing. “She’s a good girl, pretty, intelligent, nice and polite. She’s caring and honest and she didn’t deserve this. She’s just…” He searched for the right words, getting stuck.
“Not you”, Jin finished the sentence for Kazuya.
Kazuya turned back to Jin, frowned. “What?”
“She’s not you, Kazuya”, Jin answered him and came closer. “That’s why I broke up with her.”
Sighing, Kazuya covered his face with his hands. “You really should not have. It’s too late now, Jin.”
Jin shook his head, taking Kazuya’s wrists and pulling his hands back down. “It’s not, you know that.”
“Don’t you dare kissing me now.”
Jin smiled slightly and lifted his hands, showing his palms. “I won’t do anything you don’t want.”
“I don’t want you here, Jin”, Kazuya said, taking a deep breath. “I don’t want you saying those things to me.”
“That I missed you? That I’m thinking of you? That I want you the way I had you two years ago?”
Kazuya closed his eyes and made a noise of misery. “Jin, really, that doesn’t make it any better. We can’t be like that again.”
“You said it yourself”, Jin reminded him. “That you want to be serious with me, this time.”
“I know what I’ve said. That doesn’t change the situation, though.”
Jin tilted his head, giving Kazuya a curious look.
“She came to me last night, Jin.”
His eyes got bigger and he opened his mouth, closing it again. Before he could say anything, however, Kazuya continued: “She was completely lost and a mess. She cried and cried and wouldn’t stop, then she told me what was going on, what had happened.”
Jin didn’t answer, just waited for what Kazuya had to say.
“She told me her boyfriend had broken up, all of a sudden. That he had met someone he’d been in love with before, that he had kissed that person, that he had slept with that person.”
Jin looked up, nodded. “And then you slept with her to make her feel better? To help her doing the same her boyfriend did to her?”
Kazuya didn’t answer for a moment, then he shrugged a shoulder. “You had broken up; it would not have been cheating anymore.”
“Kazuya”, Jin hissed.
“What does it matter, Jin, if I slept with her or not?”
Jin stepped forward, took Kazuya’s shoulders. “I broke up with her because of you, of course it would matter.”
Kazuya didn’t even try to fetch away. His look got soft and he just shook his head. “Jin, don’t you understand? She would know I am the one being the cause for her tears, if we’d get anything on now. She’d know I’m the one you cheated with on her.”
“You’re more concerned for her than for me?”
“You’re not as fragile as her, are you?”
Without another word, Jin pulled Kazuya in and embraced him, his arms tightly around the younger one’s shoulders.
“Jin, stop that”, Kazuya just said calmly. “I won’t give in this time.”
“It’s not about giving in to anything”, Jin answered, just as calm. “It’s about realising what you really want. And you do want me.”
Kazuya closed his eyes and leaned in, nuzzled against Jin for a moment. He just wanted to imagine for a moment that all this was real, that Jin actually did know what he wanted, what it was that Kazuya searched for in Jin.
He noticed Jin’s hands becoming gentle, fingers rubbing the back of his nape, running up into Kazuya’s hair.
Kazuya really wished it’d be real, the feeling of Jin wanting him the same way he wanted Jin; that it was more than just supplying any needs.
“I did not sleep with her”, he cleared up, just because he didn’t want Jin to believe that a single second longer.
Jin relaxed, a sigh escaping his lips. “You better didn’t.”
Kazuya drew back and gave Jin a weak smile, pushing him away. “You better leave now, Jin.”
“Kazuya…”
“No, really”, Kazuya cut him off. “I don’t want this kind of relationship with you.”
Jin looked down, took his hands off of Kazuya’s shoulders and managed a nod. It had all been in vain. “I’m sorry.”
Kazuya had hoped for Jin to correct him, to tell him that it wasn’t what he wanted, either, that, after all, he was serious about Kazuya, too. Seeing him resign like that, giving in that quickly, strangely hurt.
Kazuya couldn’t answer, so he just took another step back and looked down, avoided looking at Jin.
Jin lifted his head once more, gave Kazuya a quick glance, but turned around, as the younger one wasn’t reacting.
He left the flat, leaving Kazuya behind and wondered why the younger one could look that hurt and pained, when it was him who had gotten his heart broken just now.
It was sunny and way too hot for Jin’s likings, but still nice.
They had put up an umbrella, and when he lay in its shadow, it actually was bearable. He could watch the girls playing ball in the water, could observe how Yamashita and Ryo failed in being trained soccer by Tegoshi and whenever he wanted he could reach out his hand and take a sip from the cool cocktail he had ordered earlier.
He didn’t do any of those often, however, because just a few metres away Kazuya lay on a towel, apparently asleep and wearing nothing but swimming trunks. He had been swimming earlier together with Koki and Tegoshi and the brunette strands were still wet, slightly curled. As Jin had noticed earlier, Kazuya was wearing the necklace, even now, the pendant was laying next to his head. Sand was sticking to the perfect skin of his back.
Jin tried not to think of what Kazuya’s skin tasted like.
He had put on sunglasses, so no one actually noticed him observing Kazuya. Everyone probably thought he was asleep, too, and that was exactly what Jin wanted it to be like.
Having some relaxed time, watching Kazuya’s body to his heart’s extent and enjoying his holiday.
Tegoshi had been right, Jin had to admit; Kazuya did look pretty good in those trunks. They were low waist trunks and that alone had been worth buying them.
As Kazuya stirred in his sleep, Jin didn’t move, just watched him open his eyes, yawning and then sitting up.
Koki propped himself on his elbows and gave Kazuya a grin. “You didn’t sleep well lately, or why are you always falling asleep during the days?”
Kazuya shrugged a shoulder and Jin noticed that look on his face, just for a second, but it was there. He knew the reason for Kazuya’s sleepless nights.
“I can always sleep. And what else should I do, lying here in the sand?”
Koki laughed and turned to his back. “You could do it like the other three over there and impress some girls.”
Kazuya watched them for a moment and frowned. “Pi and Ryo are not really impressing anyone, I guess.”
“Okay, but the girls are looking, anyway.”
“Because they are good looking.”
Koki smirked. “You’re a model like them, aren’t you?”
Kazuya threw him a look and Jin could see a smile spread over his face, as he turned back. “I’m not interested in any girls, though.”
Koki looked over to Jin, waited for a moment, then he said with his voice lowered: “So, you’re getting serious about that girl? Mirai?”
Jin knew they couldn’t see his eyes through his glasses, but yet he shut them as Kazuya looked at him, too.
“I should”, Jin heard him say. “She needs someone being serious about her.”
Hearing those words did hurt and Jin wanted to just get up and shake Kazuya, make him open his eyes to who he really should be serious about.
“Hey, hey”, it was Tegoshi’s voice and Jin opened his eyes, sat up and pretended to just have woken up. “There’s going to be a party in that beach club tonight. How about we all go?”
Jin took off his glasses and shrugged his shoulders; his way of saying he’d come along.
Koki agreed immediately, too, but Kazuya threw an uneasy look at Jin, before he nodded, as well.
Jin frowned at him and as Koki got up to follow Tegoshi back to the others, he noticed they were left all alone.
“You don’t want to go?”
Kazuya looked at him and shrugged a shoulder. “I just don’t want to get drunk.”
Jin laughed slightly. “Why?”
“We’ve been using the bathroom earlier and there are only stalls.”
Jin didn’t get it immediately, then he had to laugh again. “Are you actually inviting me to do naughty things with you?”
Shaking his head, Kazuya got up, too. “Definitely not. It won’t ever happen again.”
Jin watched him leave and frowned. Just why had Kazuya said something like that now? Did he want to mess with Jin? Make him suffer with such comments?
It wasn’t fair and he was sure Kazuya was aware of that, so why was he doing that to Jin? Why was he still wearing that necklace, as if he’d feel connected to Jin, after all?
Suffering, Jin watched him playing soccer with the others, wondered if it was normal that he felt so hot when watching Kazuya’s body moving like that, while he wasn’t really interested in all those pretty girls in their bikinis.
He watched Yamashita for a while, then Ryo, but neither of them had that effect on him; only Kazuya.
“Jin”, Yamashita called for him and he blinked his eyes, like waking from a trance. “We need another player, get your ass over here!”
Jin didn’t say anything just got up and jogged over. They formed teams of three; him being in a team with Ryo and Koki.
It was fun, let him forget about how much it hurt to realise over and over again that Kazuya couldn’t be his, to realise again and again that he wouldn’t get to touch that body again.
He forgot about that, just until he and Kazuya bumped together and fell, Kazuya landing on top of him.
Jin automatically gripped his waist, his fingers digging gently into the soft skin. The pendant of the necklace was caught between their bodies; Jin felt the metal painfully pressing against his collarbone.
For a moment Kazuya just stared at him, both of them swallowing thickly.
“Sorry, I…”
“Will you get up now? We want to go on”, Ryo demanded and Kazuya quickly sat up, sliding off of Jin.
He cleared his throat and stood, holding out a hand for Jin to help him up. Jin took it and let Kazuya pull him to his feet, held his hand a bit longer than necessary.
Their eyes met, both obviously thinking the same, but they turned away, going back to their positions.
The rest of the game went by without any more incidents.
But Jin felt his skin tickling for the remaining time, not able to forget about it again.
It was just bare skin, he thought and tried to get some sense into his head. Just skin like everyone else’s skin, nothing special.
And yet, the feeling of how it had felt would not leave his mind, was making him long for more of it.
He surely was damned.
“That really was nice”, Koki said and got out the key card, opening the front door of the inn they stayed in.
Ryo agreed, his arm thrown around Jin’s neck for support. He was drunk, unable to walk on his own, so Jin and Kazuya accompanied him and Koki to their room.
Yamashita and Tegoshi had both disappeared during the night, none of them had seen where to.
“Thanks”, Koki said and gave them a grin, as they had put Ryo to his bed. “I wouldn’t have made it alone.”
“He really overdid it”, Jin commented.
“Something none of you could claim tonight, huh? You both didn’t have a single drink tonight!”
Kazuya laughed it off. “I didn’t feel like drinking.”
“Good night, Koki”, Jin just said and he and Kazuya left the room, making their way down the corridor to their rooms in silence.
Kazuya stayed with Tegoshi, while Jin shared a room with Yamashita. They reached Jin’s first and both stopped, silence sticking between them.
“Well, then”, Kazuya said and lifted his head to smile at Jin. “Sleep well.”
“You, too”, Jin answered and turned, opening the door.
“Jin…”, Kazuya started and took his hand, holding him back, but they both noticed in that moment and froze.
It wasn’t like they were holding each other, but more like Yamashita holding Tegoshi. The younger one was curled up against him. A thin blanket was covering them, but it didn’t need much to guess that they were both naked.
Jin turned first, stared at Kazuya, both of them forgetting that they were still holding hands. “Are they serious?”
Kazuya couldn’t help the chuckle escaping his throat. “So, Tegoshi got what he wanted, after all.”
“I don’t care what he wanted”, Jin hissed. “They can’t do it in this room. Where am I going to sleep?”
Kazuya blinked at him.
“I can’t sleep in there. What if they get it on tonight?”
Kazuya pressed his lips together, holding back a laugh. Then he tugged Jin back at his hand and closed the door again.
Jin gave him a confused look and Kazuya gently squeezed his hand, before he let go.
“You can sleep in my room.”
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Is that a good idea, Kazuya???? v.v But Jin has to stay somewhere!
Thanks a lot for reading. I'll probably be late with replying to comments this time, it's going to be a busy time these days~~~ ♥
I'm off to work now~ v.v *does not want*