Fade Into The Background Chapter 11
Banner by naomi0211 ♥
Title: Fade into the Background //You can't lose what you never had//
Pairing: Akanishi Jin X Kamenashi Kazuya (Akame to make it short XD) //KAT-TUN//
Genre: Romance, ANGST, lots of Fluff
Rating: from PG-13 to NC-17
Disclamer: Do not own them. If anybody I'd like to own Ueda. But well... one can't have everything, right?
Summary: Kazuya is getting married and while watching him from the background Jin suddenly remembers their story. His thoughts are going back in time and he starts to regret and realize....
A/N: First of all: English isn't my mother tongue, but I tried my best and since I was living in the UK I'm pretty much used to write and speak it. But you're welcome to correct mistakes.
So, this Chap... Jin is going to come back. Kazuya wants to make the best out of it, but things have changed a lot and Jin can't accept them. Are they able to make up?
I'm honestly, truely sorry. I know this took way too long, but real life was keeping me quite busy lately. It was difficult to find time to write, but from next week on, I'm going to have more free time again.
I hope you guys are still with me? ^^;;;
WARNING: The end of this chap is pure Angst.
Previous Chapters:
Prologue
First Memory: A Winter Illusion
Second Memory: All I want for Christmas
Third Memory: Broken Promise
Fourth Memory: Losing Faith
Fifth Memory: Confessions
First Flashback: Still on my Mind
Sixth Memory: Missing
Seventh Memory: Powder Happiness
Eighth Memory: Best Friends and Lovers
Ninth Memory: Treat me right
Tenth Memory: If I'd let you go
Second Flashback: Lose Myself
Eleventh Memory: Over
Long and busy days were best to keep his mind distracted.
Kazuya sighed heavily as he sat down at the couch in Koki’s apartment. It was late in the evening and after such days he liked to talk to a friend, just spend some time with making jokes and talk about the day, what happened lately, work or even private things.
Back then he had done such things with Jin, but now Koki was always there, was the one who would invite him over to his place for dinner.
Of course, things between them were different and it was not even comparable to what he had had with Jin, but not less precious to him. Koki really was a best friend; Jin had never been. They had always been something more than that.
Now, Koki gave him a bowl of fried rice and sat next to him with his own. He started to eat immediately while Kazuya was first zapping through the channels.
“So, what do you think?”
Kazuya didn’t even look at Koki; he just started to eat while he was watching the program on TV. “About what?” he asked with his mouth full.
Koki threw him a look and wasn’t sure if Kazuya knew about it.
They had been shooting a drama together, since that they had become quite close. They were able to talk about mostly everything. But there was one topic they never talked about: Jin.
He was coming back, they had told him and Nakamaru today, but apparently Kazuya didn’t know about it, otherwise he would have understood that hint Koki had given him.
“That show.” Koki pointed in the direction of the TV.
Kazuya frowned. Koki knew that it was his favourite. “I still like it.”
“Mhm.” Was the answer and Koki started to eat again.
Kazuya knew something was wrong, but he didn’t bother to ask. He just wasn’t in the mood for that right now. He knew Koki well enough to notice he had something concerning him and sometimes Koki was the type of guy you had to ask for every detail before he would tell you the whole story.
He usually was patient enough to listen to Koki until he would spill everything, but today his thoughts were too far away, today his own problems were too huge to concentrate on Koki’s.
Long and busy days were best to distract his mind, but, at the end of the day, he would be thinking again. At the end of the day, everything’s coming back to his mind.
Yesterday he’d heard how one of the managers had told Ueda and Junno that Jin was going to come back. And now Koki knew about it, as well, apparently; either from Ueda and Taguchi or also from the managers. That’s what made Kazuya guess Nakamaru knew about it, too.
But why didn’t anyone tell him? Why was he the only one who wasn’t told face to face that Jin would come back?
He was thinking about it all the time, every single minute his mind wasn’t busy with something else. He was aware of seeing Jin every single minute; even though he knew the older one wasn’t even back yet.
And worst, he didn’t know what to do. How should he greet Jin when he’d be back? Wouldn’t it be awkward? After everything that had happened between them, Kazuya couldn’t imagine to welcome Jin back as a friend.
The older one had broken his heart; Kazuya would never be able to handle Jin normally again.
Even just the thought of seeing Jin again made Kazuya shudder slightly.
Koki threw him a look. “Are you cold?”
Kazuya shook his head. “No. I was just thinking.”
That made Koki frown. So Kazuya knew about it after all, he concluded. “It’s because of Jin.”
Hesitantly, the younger one nodded.
“Are you afraid of seeing him again?”
“That’s not it.” Kazuya denied. “I’m just not sure how to handle the situation. How to handle him.”
They had never really talked about it, but Koki had always known, Kazuya and Jin had been more than just friends. “Did you break up before he left?”
The brunette stared at Koki, not quite sure whether he wanted to talk about that and also, surprised that Koki brought that up. “He did, yes.”
“And now you…”
“No, I’m over that.” Kazuya interrupted. He wouldn’t let anyone know how hurting he still was. That he never got over Jin. “It’s more about… the whole situation.”
“Eh?” Koki tilted his head.
“Things have changed.”
“What kind of things?”
Kazuya pointed at Koki. “You. Me.” He placed his bowl at the table in front of them. “All of us. We’re not like we’ve been before.”
“Sure.” Koki nodded. “But it’s the same for him, isn’t it?”
The younger male nodded slightly. “That’s what makes it so complicated.” With that, Kazuya turned his head back to the TV, showing off like that that he didn’t want to talk about it any longer.
Things had changed. He was different from the boy he had been when Jin had left. He could be on his own now; he didn’t need anyone.
But it wasn’t just that. They all had changed. Lately, they had been doing lots of things together.
Back then, Kazuya had used to spend all his time with Jin. If he had wanted to go somewhere he had asked Jin to accompany him. If he had wanted to talk, Jin would have been his first choice to call. Jin had always been on his mind; always by his side.
But now Kazuya used to do a lot of things with Koki, but also with the other guys. They went out together, had a lot of fun together while working. They had all become much closer.
Would Jin manage to get into their circle again?
Six months were a long time and of course, Jin had experienced a lot of things, had seen a lot of new faces. But he had done so alone and while that, time hadn’t stopped in their world. They had moved on as well.
Would Jin really manage to get through to them again? To be a part of them again? Kazuya had doubts about it.
So, in his mind, most important was to help Jin. Of course, it was also because he didn’t want Jin to notice how much it still hurt Kazuya what had happened between them, but most important was to make it easier for Jin.
Kazuya would just have to pretend everything was fine, that he was glad to see Jin, to have him back.
He’d just have to behave like a friend.
Home, Jin thought, as he followed his mother into the house and went upstairs to his room that still looked the same from when he had left.
He couldn’t quite tell where it was.
It was late at night and he just wanted to go to bed and have a peaceful sleep, but things were on his mind, keeping him busy and anxious.
Tomorrow morning he had to be at the office and he was sure he’d meet all the others there. He was looking forward to it; hoping Yamapi would be there to greet him, Ryo probably. And, of course, his band mates, as well.
Jin sat down and stared out of the window to the night sky. He hadn’t noticed before, but the sky in Japan looked different from the one over L.A. He was back in his old world. From tomorrow on, the time he spent in L.A. would seem like a distant dream he had dreamt tonight.
This was his reality, his real life, his profession. He didn’t want to escape from it; he had chosen it himself, after all. But sometimes he just wanted to live for something else, as well.
For anything else than being an idol.
Jin couldn’t help it that this thought immediately made him think of Kazuya. Back then he had lived for being an idol, but whenever it had gotten too much he would have had Kazuya to turn to.
He had lived for Kazuya at that time.
Now, Jin thought, he didn’t even know how Kazuya had been doing for the last six months. They didn’t have contact at all, not the slightest bit. Sometimes, Ueda would have written mails to Jin and in those he had mentioned Kazuya, had told Jin what everyone was doing.
From that, Jin knew that the younger one had been shooting a drama again, together with Koki, that they had released a whole album without him, that they hadn’t lost any of their popularity.
They did fine without him.
But still, Jin wanted to get back into the band. He wanted to be a part again, to make them even more popular. Even so, he knew it would get difficult. Jin wasn’t quite sure whether Kazuya had forgiven him for what had happened before he had left to America.
After all, thing’s hadn’t worked out the way he had wanted them to, back then.
How should Jin treat Kazuya? As if nothing had happened? As if he couldn’t remember?
Jin didn’t think he could pretend to; not after he had remembered it every single day of the last six months.
Thinking about what a reunion between him and Kazuya would be like, he fell asleep, having strange and weird dreams of meeting Kazuya who treated him coldly, who refused to accept him back in the band.
It was late in the morning when his mother came to wake him up. She had brought him a blanket in the night, apparently, since he found himself curled up at his sofa, covered and comfortable.
He got up into a sitting position and yawed, noticing that he had to shower and dress quickly to make it to the office in time.
Remembering his dreams, Jin ignored the breakfast his mother had made for him and left the house. He would not have thought so, but Japanese breakfast could smell quite disgusting. He missed the American food.
When he arrived at the office, the others weren’t there yet, so he just sat and waited for a while, trying not to be nervous.
There was nothing to be nervous about.
Nakamaru was the first one to arrive after Jin. He opened the door, still yawning and when he saw Jin, he stopped with his mouth still open and stared at the younger one.
“Good Morning.” Jin said and got up.
“Eh?” Nakamaru frowned and moved closer. “You’re already back?”
“Apparently.”
The older male grinned. “And you haven’t changed a bit.”
“Ditto.”, was the answer and Jin grinned as well.
Nakamaru had just started to ask millions of questions, when next Taguchi and Ueda opened the door at the end of the corridor. They both didn’t really notice Jin as they walked down to them, too busy fighting over something. But then Taguchi made a surprised noise when he recognized Jin and stared. Ueda didn’t show much of an expression, as usual. But when Jin lifted his hand to greet them, Ueda smiled at him in a way he only smiled at friends.
It didn’t take too long, until the door opened for a third time, but no one took notice of Kazuya at the other end of the corridor.
For a second his heart stopped beating, since he thought he had seen Jin over at the wall, between Ueda and Nakamaru, but Junno was in the way, so Kazuya was sure he was wrong again.
Too fat, he thought for a second; that person was too fat to be Jin.
He didn’t have much time to look closer, anyway, since in the next moment, Koki ran into him and made them both stumble into the corridor. Kazuya almost fell over, but Koki gripped his arm and pulled him back into a standing position.
“Why are you stopping so suddenly, idiot?” Koki asked and shook his head.
Kazuya grinned at him and remained as close to the older one as he was for a little longer. “I guess I saw a ghost.”
When they turned, when Kazuya lifted his head again, his eyes automatically stared just right into Jin’s. For a second he felt the world stop around him. He saw nothing else than those eyes, felt his heartbeat fastening and thought about what to do.
He had imagined this moment so often, but now all the words he had wanted to say were gone. Kazuya could only stare.
As he noticed Jin staring back in the same awkward way, he cleared his throat and reminded himself of his plans.
Koki’s arm still pulled around his waist, he stopped once more, before he smiled.
“Ah, welcome back, Akanishi!”
Jin didn’t know what to answer. His heart felt like it was gripped from a cold hand; seeing Kazuya acting like that with Koki, that smile, so honest and pure, those words.
Was it real?
He swallowed thickly, cleared his throat then. “Thanks.”
“I thought, you’d be back next week.” Koki said as they walked over to them and took some distance from Kazuya. “I didn’t expect to meet you today.”
“Surprise, surprise.” Jin commented in a dry voice.
“Did you bring something for me?”
Jin snorted. “Of course, I didn’t.”
“Oh, well…” Koki tilted his head and frowned, obviously pouting over that.
“I’ll buy you something sweet later, Koki.” Kazuya offered and it worked, since the older one grinned at him happily.
What was going on? Jin looked at those two. They were much closer than before. Kazuya treated Koki the way he had usually treated Jin. Like a best friend, but with that look in his eyes that implied that there was so much more behind it.
What the hell was going on?
But he couldn’t think about it any longer, since someone came to bring them up to one of the office rooms where they would be talking about how to go on.
When Koki went ahead to Nakamaru, Jin took his chance and grabbed Kazuya’s arm.
The touch felt as if it was burning his skin, but Kazuya’s expression didn’t show any of his feelings. “What is it?”
Jin frowned at him. “You don’t have to act like that.”
“Act like what?” Kazuya blinked.
“As if nothing had happened” Jin answered, still holding tight to Kazuya’s wrist.
“I had enough of time to get over it, Akanishi.” The brunette answered and gave him a calm smile. “It doesn’t matter anymore; I’m not mad and not hurt. I’m over it.”
Jin wanted to say something, he wanted to protest, but Kazuya freed his hand and turned again; followed the other ones to the office room.
Slowly, Jin went after them.
Kazuya was over it. Then his plan had just worked out well. It wouldn’t be a problem at all to work together now. No relationship between them, no disturbing feelings.
That was what he had been up to when he had decided to leave, wasn’t it? But he wasn’t able to at all; for him the plan hadn’t worked out at all.
How could he have known that it would work out in Kazuya’s case, but not in his?
It was just annoying. So damn annoying.
“Are you coming with us, Akanishi?”
Jin smiled slightly and shook his head. “No, I’m leaving early.”
“Okay, see you tomorrow then.” Kazuya said before he left the room with Koki.
They were going to get some take away and have dinner together--- like they used to have nearly every evening. Sometimes the others would join them, or just one of them. Everyone, except for Jin. He was never up for that.
He tried to ignore it. To ignore how Kazuya and Koki got along so well, how they somehow always had to act like the perfect best friends whenever Jin was around.
Jin knew Kazuya did that on purpose; to make Jin feel bad for what he had given up, what he had lost. And even though it was obvious that the relationship between Kazuya and Koki wasn’t nearly as deep and on a completely other level than the one Kazuya and Jin had shared, it still hurt to see them like that.
Kazuya hadn’t called him “Jin” once, since he had come back. He always used Jin’s surname when he talked to him, to make it more clear to Jin how distant they were by now.
It was just those little details, just some small things, because Kazuya was always nice, asking him out to do things with them, caring for him just as much as he cared for the others.
But it was those little details, the very small things Kazuya did which were like a punch in his face.
Actually, it hadn’t been difficult to get into the band again. They had talked about it and surprisingly, it had been Koki who had been on Jin’s side, who had insisted to take him back into the band.
The only one who hadn’t said his opinion about it clearly had been Kazuya. Of course. Jin shook his head and sighed as he left their changing room.
It hadn’t been difficult, but at some stage uncomfortable.
That’s why Jin was spending much more time with people outside the band now. Not that he had spent a lot of his time with his band members before, but now he spent even less with them.
He’d rather meet up with Yamapi or Ryo or one of the other guys from the Jimusho he knew well and got along with. He had enough friends; so he didn’t have to go out with Koki and Kazuya, pretending to like to be around them.
Jin hated being around those two.
Even so, he ended up that evening being with them.
Summer was nearly over, and he had spent this one mostly with other people than his band mates. But today he wasn’t so lucky.
When he had called Yamapi after their rehearsals for the day had ended, Jin had asked him and Ryo to go out for a drink. Arriving at their favourite bar, they had found Koki and Kazuya there.
And of course Yamapi thought it was a great idea to sit together with everyone.
So now Jin was sitting between Yamapi and Kazuya, Koki and Ryo were facing him from the other side of the small table.
Everyone was talking; Kazuya had a discussion with Yamapi while Koki was occupied with the waitress and Ryo was actually talking to Jin who was just nodding, sipping from his glass from time to time.
When the waitress left, Koki turned to them again and after a few moments he said: “Are you tired, Jin?”
Jin frowned at him, taking another sip. “Well, exhausted.”
Kazuya gave him a worried look and Jin felt the urge to kick him for it since he knew it was just acted. It couldn’t be real. “Are you not feeling well, Akanishi?”
“I’m just fine.”
Yamapi threw a look at Ryo who just returned that one and then leaned in to say something, to start another topic, but Koki spoke up before him.
“Kame you’re always worrying too much”, he said and smiled, then grinned. “When I fell sick in January, he stayed by my bed for the whole time. How long was it? Two days?”
“Three” Kazuya murmured and tried to avoid looking at Jin. It was true, he had been staying with Koki, but only because the other one had been so ill. He could not have left him on his own in that state.
“Really?” Ryo asked. “So you moved in to Koki’s for three days?”
Koki nodded. “He did. When I got better and was able to get up, he had brought so many of his things to my flat.”
Kazuya noticed how Jin next to him tensed and wanted to say something, wanted to deny it, but denying it, Jin would know Kazuya was still caring for him in that way. In a way he shouldn’t care for Jin. “But it’s quite practical, since I always have some of my things there now when I stay over at your place”, he said instead.
They did that on purpose, Jin knew it. Kazuya just wanted to pay back. He had to remind himself of that for several times, otherwise he would have gotten up now to leave. But he wouldn’t give in; Kazuya wouldn’t win this.
He didn’t care if Kazuya and Koki started something; Jin didn’t care if Kazuya was in love with anybody.
It didn’t matter at all. It was none of Jin’s business anymore.
He somehow got through that evening and after Yamapi had brought him home, he took a long hot shower, even though it was still warm outside. Hot showers were best to clear his mind.
If things went on like this, he’d surely get insane.
Kazuya was doing too well. He was always kind to Jin, was caring for him just as he was caring for the other boys and treated him like a good friend.
That had to be faked.
Wasn’t he the slightest bit angry? Hurt? At least resentful?
The way Kazuya acted so skillfully, as if it really was like that, made Jin mad because he would fall for that act every now and then. And it hurt; just to think Kazuya really didn’t care anymore hurt.
And that was most annoying. Jin wanted Kazuya to suffer just as much as he suffered. He wanted to see regrets and pain in those eyes whenever they looked at each other. Just as much as he felt them.
But whenever their looks met, Kazuya would give him a smile, would nod, or even just look questioningly and then turn to something more interesting.
As if nothing had ever happened, as if he was over Jin.
Jin got out of the shower and dried his hair with a silk, white towel, while he walked into his bedroom to get ready to sleep.
As he lay down later, turned off the lights and tried to sleep, Jin had just one thought.
In some way he had to draw Kazuya out of his shell. Sooner or later.
In Kazuya’s mind, Ueda was a nice guy. Well, they didn’t always have the same opinion, what made them fight a lot, but he actually liked Ueda.
But even though he liked the older one, he couldn’t quite understand him.
Right now, Nakamaru was sitting at Kazuya’s kitchen table and sighed for the seventh time in the last ten minutes. Kazuya gave him a sorrowful look, while he filled a glass with water for his friend.
“So, he just said he’d have a date and left then?”
“He did.”
As usual, Kazuya thought. Over all those years, things hadn’t changed at all. Ueda was still always telling them whenever he’d have a date, and Nakamaru would get upset about it.
He shook his head slightly as he went over and placed the glass in front of Nakamaru, before he sat down himself. They had already ordered some take outs and Kazuya hoped they’d deliver the food soon.
“Why didn’t you tell him that you don’t want him to go?” Kazuya asked.
“It’s not that I don’t want him to go; he can have dates as many as he wants. But that guy is just…”
“You always say that.” The younger one interrupted. “You’ll always find something about the men he’s dating that makes them unworthy.”
“But I swear, this one is no good. He’s going to leave Ueda behind in the middle of nowhere as soon as he’s going to get sick of him.” Nakamaru argued.
“You don’t know that guy, do you?”
“I met him once.”
Kazuya sighed. Nakamaru could be so stubborn, especially when it came to Ueda. But Ueda was at fault as well. Why did he keep on telling Nakamaru? Didn’t he see that he hurt the older one?
“Were you never jealous when Jin had a date?”
Kazuya raised his head and gave Nakamaru a surprised look. “Eh?”
“I mean…” Nakamaru murmured sheepishly. “You liked him, didn’t you?”
So, the others had noticed after all, Kazuya thought, turning his head to avoid Nakamaru’s look. Though, it seemed Nakamaru thought it had been one-sided. So, apparently, Jin had been the better actor of them. “Well, did he ever have dates?”, he asked and managed a laugh. The only one, Jin had dated back then had been Kazuya, so he had never been jealous. Yamapi came to his mind, an evening in spring, the corner of a back road.
He had been jealous back then; if Jin had really dated someone else Kazuya would have been more than just jealous.
“I thought if anybody, he would have told you about it.” Nakamaru stated.
“He didn’t.”
“I see.”
The uncomfortable silence between them broke, as the door bell rang and Kazuya got up to open the door. He paid and went back to the kitchen, preparing the food on plates.
“Ne, Kame” Nakamaru turned to him and watched his fingers. “I was worrying a lot about you when Jin came back.”
Kazuya didn’t stop his work and didn’t react to that. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to hear that.
“I thought you’d make it more difficult for him to get back into the band.”
Now Kazuya gave him a questioning look.
Nakamaru smiled. “You were down for so long after he had left. You guys were best friends after all”, he explained and shrugged his shoulders. “I’d thought you’d pay him back, but you acted so mature. That impressed me a lot.”
Kazuya frowned and laughed slightly then. He didn’t know what to say, but those words were really nice to hear. So, his plan had worked out. “Thank you.”
They remained silent, until Kazuya took the plates to the table and sat down again. They started to eat and changed the topic to something more cheerful.
Kazuya liked things the way they were now. He got along with everyone from the band, he considered them all as friends, though, of course, in the back of his mind he still had a different image from Jin.
He maintained the act quite well. He was always nice and polite to Jin, never let him notice what Kazuya really thought and felt, how resentful he still was about what happened over a year ago.
It was November now and Jin had been back for so long that Kazuya started to believe in what he had acted for so long. His act, the role he was playing when Jin was around started to become real.
Kazuya slowly got up as his telephone rang, still listening to what Nakamaru was saying, before he picked up.
“Yes?”
It was silent at the end of the line and Kazuya frowned, repeating himself. “Yes?”
“Kazuya…”
His eyes widened as he recognized the voice. “Akanishi?”
A slight snort was the answer. “You’re doing that on purpose, aren’t you?”
“What?” Kazuya asked.
It remained silent, before Jin said: “I can’t go on like this, Kazuya, not anymore.”
The younger one felt his heartbeat fastening. “What are you talking about?”
“Kazuya...” Jin murmured again, his voice almost breaking.
“Akanishi, are you okay? What’s wrong?”
As he didn’t get an answer anymore, he stared at the wall for a few seconds and made his decision. Quickly, he put the phone back and turned, grapping his keys.
“I’m leaving, Jin needs me.”
Nakamaru stared at him, following him to the front door. “But…”
“I’m sorry, Nakamaru, I need to go.”
“It’s okay; I’m just going to…”
“Yeah, whatever you want to.” Kazuya just said, before he closed the door and ran off to his car.
Nakamaru frowned and saw Kazuya driving off way too fast. Apparently, he thought as he went back to the kitchen, he had been wrong earlier. Kazuya hadn’t been in love with Jin, he still was.
He sat down again, staring at his meal and wondering what he should do. He’d probably clean up and leave again.
He was almost done, as the phone rang again. His hands wet from washing the cutlery he stood in the kitchen, staring at the phone. It was probably Jin again. Or Kazuya. There were a lot of reasons why it could be Kazuya.
Slowly he went over and stared at the phone for a little longer. It didn’t stop ringing.
So he picked it up.
Jin looked at his mobile phone, as he shut it.
That had gone well. If Kazuya was really just pretending everything was fine between them, he’d be here in about twenty minutes.
If he still felt for Jin, he’d come.
Jin went to his front door, opening it widely and checked the corridor, noticing no one else was around. Leaving the door like that, he went back to his living room, sitting down relaxed and took a sip from his drink.
He wasn’t drunk. Not quite; not yet. But he had drunk too much already; but just enough to call Kazuya.
It had gotten worse recently. Kazuya was driving him insane with being the way he was. And tonight Jin would change things between them.
He wasn’t quite sure whether he could win Kazuya for himself again. Things had gotten complicated; Kazuya was a lot with Koki now. So, Jin guessed, he wouldn’t make it easy for him.
But somehow he’d manage.
He titled his head back and closed his eyes, the ice cubes in his drink making a short and cold noise as he moved, before he put his feet up to the arm chair next to him.
That was how Kazuya found him when he ran into the room.
He was panting badly and his eyes had a panicked look, as he stared at Jin, who was now moving his head to look at Kazuya.
“Akanishi, are you alright?”, he asked as he walked over.
Sooner than expected, Jin thought. Kazuya had really hurried to get here. “Mhm…” He murmured and lifted his glass to take another sip.
Kazuya frowned at him and took the glass. “You’re drunk? That’s it?”
“I’m not.”
Kazuya threw him a look, obviously angry. “Why did you leave the front door open?”
“Must have forgotten about it.” Jin answered.
Shaking his head, the younger one brought the glass to the kitchen and came back with another one, filled with water. “Drink this and then go to bed, I’m leaving.”
Jin got up, as Kazuya turned and went to the corridor. “Why did you come, Kazuya?”
“Because you called and didn’t make clear what was wrong. I was worried.” Kazuya just said, standing in the door frame.
“I didn’t say something was wrong.”
Kazuya didn’t answer that; he just watched Jin coming closer.
“You’re still caring for me.” Jin said.
“I would have done it for everyone else.”
The older one shook his head and stopped in front of Kazuya, looking at him. “But because of different reasons.”
“What are you talking about?”
Jin grinned, as he got a bit closer. He raised his hand and gently touched Kazuya’s cheek.
“We’re through with that, don’t you think so, Akanishi?”
“Are we?” Jin said in a provoking voice.
“We broke up more than a year ago; so what is this about?” Kazuya wanted to know in a cold voice.
Instead of answering him, Jin pressed Kazuya to the door frame and drew their lips together. He felt Kazuya gasp silently beneath his lips, caught that warm breath and stared into deep, brown eyes.
He couldn’t read them.
But Kazuya’s reaction was definite. His lips automatically kissed Jin back, returned the moves and his eye lids flattered, before he closed his eyes. He could taste Jin’s so very own taste, the alcohol and it felt like back then; he knew how to move and in which way Jin would change the angle. It was all so familiar to him, even though it’s been a year since they had kissed last.
Jin was slightly reminded of that first kiss in New York; the situation had been similar. They had had a fight before that and to make his intentions clear, Jin had pressed Kazuya to a wall as well, to kiss him.
But this one wasn’t as loving and affectionate as the one back then. It was rough, and not the slightest bit gentle.
Slowly, Jin drew back from Kazuya and his hands found their way beneath the pullover, touched that skin he had wanted to touch for over a year now. “This is what made you come here. You still want it.”
Kazuya couldn’t answer, his head fell forwards against Jin’s shoulder and he yelped quietly. Of course it was. Of course, he had been longing for this. After all, he had been the one who hadn’t wanted to break up. How many nights had he had dreamed of being together with Jin like this again?
“You’ve missed this, didn’t you?” Jin asked, his hand moving downwards, opening Kazuya’s belt.
Kazuya tilted his head to the side and Jin’s hands stopped, as he placed a loving, one of his affectionate kisses to Jin’s neck and whispered: “I’ve missed you, Jin.”
That was everything Jin had wanted to hear. Those words which proven true that Kazuya had just been acting; all the time since Jin had come back from America. He had finally heard them.
“I knew you did.” He drew back and looked at Kazuya, seeing his eyes all dark and dull, as if he was drunk himself. “I knew you were just pretending.”
Kazuya shook his head slightly to gain back his consciousness. “Eh?”
“You were just acting like you didn’t care, as if Koki was your best friend now. You did all that just because of me.”
Kazuya frowned, noticing Jin’s hands weren’t where they had been anymore. His jeans were opened, his skin felt hot and his heart was pounding painfully.
Jin hadn’t meant it, he had just wanted to find out the truth; he had just wanted to make Kazuya lose his face.
“You’re not over me in the slightest bit”, Jin added as Kazuya didn’t answer and leaned in to kiss him once more, but Kazuya raised his hand and held him back.
“So, that’s what this is about?”, he said in a low and muted voice. “Your pride?”
Jin didn’t move, his look just flickered up to Kazuya’s eyes.
And that was what made Kazuya see that he was right. Jin didn’t feel for him anymore. His pride had just been hurt, because Kazuya had pretended so well to be over him.
Gentle, but certain he pushed Jin back. “This is the worst.” He shook his head, as he buttoned his jeans and closed the belt. “You are the worst.”
“But it’s the truth, isn’t it?” Jin protested, following Kazuya as he went to the front door.
Kazuya stopped and took a deep breath, before he turned.
“I was mad at you, Akanishi.”, he said, trying to control himself. “And I’ve missed you. After a while I really wished you’d never come back. I wanted you to stay over there, out of my life, of my mind.” Of his heart, but he didn’t say it. “And then you decided you had enough of your freedom, so I had to find a way to handle it.”
Jin frowned. He didn’t understand why Kazuya got so mad at him. Hadn’t he just said that he had missed it, too? That he had missed Jin? So, they were both the same, so there shouldn’t be a problem. “You wanted to pay me back with pretending to be over it.”
Now Kazuya glared at Jin, finding it hard to keep up his self control. “I’ve wanted to make it easier for you. Didn’t you just leave to give both of us space to get over each other? Not being over it would make it just even harder, wouldn’t it? So, why should I still be feeling for you, still be hurt when you come back?”
Because he himself still was, Jin thought. And yes, it had hurt his pride Kazuya had been handling the situation so very well. But Jin would never let him know. “You surely overdid it.”
“I did what?!”
“You’ve tried to make me jealous showing off how well you get along with Koki”, Jin said and raised an eyebrow. “With being so damn friendly and kind. With only calling me by my surname.”
Kazuya just stared at him for a second, but then his look got cold. “You know, Akanishi, it’s been a while since you’ve been the centre of my world. Not everything I do is concerning you. I actually don’t care for you anymore; even if you were jealous of Koki, I wouldn’t care.”
He turned to the corridor, leaving Jin behind. “When they told us officially you’d come back, I didn’t want you back in the band. But Koki insisted, so we decided to take you back. I wonder, why. You’re so not worth it.”
Jin felt his heart getting colder and colder. Those words hurt and he could only protect himself with being indifferent, never minded, cold. “It’s not like the band was that important to me. You guys are more keeping me from what I want than bringing me closer to it.”
Kazuya stopped, but didn’t turn. His hand already held the knob and he nodded. Most important, he thought, as he opened the door, was the band. Kazuya had invested his whole heart into it and he would maintain it. With Jin or without him.
He lived for being an idol now, for nothing else; not like back then when the band had been second important.
“You know”, he said quietly. “I’ve really missed you. The one you were before you’ve left.” He turned and saw Jin’s confused and hurt look. “But the one you are now is someone I can’t take.”
Jin wanted to say something, as Kazuya just stood there and looked at him. He had said too much; too many lies, but those lies were protecting his image and his heart. “Kazuya…”
“No.” the brunette turned again and stepped outside. “I don’t regret I’ve stopped loving you.”
The door fell closed and Jin stayed, decided not to go after Kazuya.
It wouldn’t change a thing.
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As a little extra and just in case you guys haven't read it yet:
If you'd like to know what happened to Nakamaru that evening, you can read it in this post ♥