I know how people hate to hear the awful truth. Others become so defensive when I tell them that I hate myself. Without fail they launch into a lecture about how wonderful a person I am, how much promise I have, how smart, how beautiful, how determined and hardworking and creative and charming and caring and what the fuck ever I am. But no ( Read more... )

I'm an old model car.
I wasn't a good or reliable or beautiful car when I was new.
And after my novelty wore off, no one wanted me anymore.

I celebrated my one year anniversary. However, it isn't a celebration I can share with strangers. It's not a subject employed in small-talk. I did not spend the "big day" having a romantic dinner or a huge party ( Read more... )

It's so draining to be a social being. I've lived most of my life hiding everything, and, while it was unhealthy, it was easy. I didn't have to think about the appropriateness of what I say and do. Now that I'm willing to express myself, I realize that I know nothing of societal norms. I come off too harsh, to vulgar and too weird for most ( Read more... )

Especially when I’m surrounded by hundreds, even thousands of people, I feel my separation from them like a tangible wall all around me. On the outside is air, which, though polluted, seems easily breathable. On the inside is a suffocating vacuum, which, though powerful, kills me slowly, sucking the life and even the will to live out of me. ( Read more... )

I’ve been sitting around reading about how my friends have people who light up their lives. And then I realize that the only people I have to fantasize about are people I’ve never met or who otherwise have no idea I exist. I have no one who lights up my life. I have only dreams that are wonderful as long as I don’t think about the fact that they ( Read more... )

I had an experiment today and one of the new guys in my psychology lab was sitting in so that he could learn the ropes. He’s one of those people who’s a champion at everything. I’m already overly self-conscious when I feel that I have to perform in front of people, even if the task is tying my shoe laces. I could feel every mistake dripping off ( Read more... )

I just got off the phone with my darling brother. My brother is so fabulous, because he calls me every other day, asks me how I’m doing in general and in my classes, and if my reply is too long for him to ignore, he interrupts and then starts to talk about his life. He listens so intensely to what I have to say that it only took him nine months ( Read more... )

Tonight I went to see "Chicago." It was one of those movies that made me feel young again. When I was growing up I would watch a movie and at the end I felt like I was the main character, no matter if I saw "Sybil" or Disney's "Aladdin." It's what first intrigued me about acting. For some small moment, I could be anyone and everyone else. For ( Read more... )

I’ve been having problems with my Clinical Psychology teacher. I’ve been in this class for about a month and he’s the kind of person who jokes about everything. Well he also separates personality disorders from what he calls clinical disorders. In his opinion, people with clinical disorders can’t help it, but people with personality disorders ( Read more... )