So... uh, yeah. Today is binge day. I'm hungry but I'm thinking 6:45 a.m. is a little early to start. I'm supposed to get high tonight... we'll see how that goes, I hope it happens, though. I was so disappointed I didn't eat anything the last time I was out of it. haha. Food is supposed to be better, right? Well here's hoping so. ... And man, I ( Read more... )

I've realized I'm mostly afraid of recovery because I fear "missing out" so much. Missing out on binging every night, on the rush and the void, etc. etc. I think this is also why it's so hard to find motivation to restrict. It's scary to commit myself to "no food for months" when I don't feel ready to give it up. I think if I were still purging I ( Read more... )

It's hard to avoid temptation. The dining hall consists entirely of junk food with a little salad and fruit on the side. Everywhere I turn there are rice krispies, ice cream, pizza, fattening Asian cuisine, pasta, cheesecake, brownies, pie, cake, burritos, cookies... all things I'd love to binge on. I work in the dining center, in a place much akin ( Read more... )

Took a multivitamin on an empty stomach. Threw up. That hasn't happened to me before... although I'm not complaining. Given my history, I definitely don't mind puke. And involuntary sickness is kind of welcome now that I've "quit ( Read more... )

Smeared mascara, swollen eyes, bloodied lip... I thought nights like these wouldn't happen anymore. I feel like there is something deep inside of me, festering, something black and dangerous, trying to break through. I don't know what I've done to keep it in check. It's the way I used to hate myself, the feelings I had when I knew I meant nothing, ( Read more... )

When I go back to college, it'll be all about restriction. I've mapped out my days, my food, my meals. I'm going to be on a permanent schedule for the next three months (unless I move out of the dorms before that). I've made meal plans for each day of the week stating that I can eat x item at x time of x day. I won't let myself slip up or get away ( Read more... )

My eating has still been shit... in a full BED cycle. I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever get out of it. It seems like... without hating myself entirely and feeling like I have to deprive myself, I don't have the motivation to starve. But there's still that depression and need in the back of my mind all the time, that makes me feel like I have to ( Read more... )

I look at thinspiration in the middle of the night while my roommate it asleep. I imagine there are times she wakes up and looks over to see me saving pictures of (usually) half naked girls to my computer... heh ( Read more... )

I'm spending too much time on food. I'm still binging but I'm also wasting my hours on trigger pics (even if I am not starving I have a strange fascination / affinity for them) & food information (recipes, low cal. food, meal plans, etc.). I usually do this instead of my homework. Yeah, I feel like a loser ( Read more... )

'I really want this to be over and I want food to not matter. I don't want to need it like an addiction, I don't want to feel like I have to starve myself just to keep from spiraling out of control or that I've got to purge just to make it "Okay".'

( some things i'm afraid of )