Last weekend was pretty rough. I felt depressed and I had no idea why. Maybe it was just a sort of withdrawal from my bad habits. I'm not used to being by myself undistracted... without bingeing. It was made so much worse by the fact that I can't even cry to get it out in a healthier way... there is no privacy here. I have no place to be alone ( Read more... )

I feel very caught between wanting to get worse and wanting to get better ( Read more... )

I have started eating more... sort of like a "normal" person. Not healthy, but not restricting... basically just eating when other people are (like the other day our floor walked across campus to check out the dining center - I had half a sandwich or last night when my roommate wanted to check out some club and eat at the bbq... had a hotdog) and ( Read more... )

Things are kind of confusing right now ( Read more... )

Moved into the University dorms yesterday. I've not had a bite to eat today and only one meal yesterday. Although this does fit in with my horribly stupid (but so compelling I'm running with it) plan to drop weight fast, fast, fast, and restrict... I actually don't want to be this extreme. (I just didn't have time to grab anything to eat today.) I' ( Read more... )

I don't know why I cried so much when I found out about my dad. I guess it was just stress on top of stress on top of stress. I am so unhappy and I don't know how to explain it. It's not that I cry most of the time or even think about how much I hate myself anymore... I'm just isolated and lonely. I'm not enjoying any part of my life right now. ( Read more... )

My father called me today. He has cancer and he doesn't know how much time he has left. I haven't seen him since I was four ( Read more... )

So I'm home.. The first couple of days it was easy; but now it's just stressful. Somehow I've managed to restrict anyway. My mother, drunk, has been yelling at me a lot about my weight and throwing the term "eating disorder" around. Usually, I can put up with almost anything she says unless it's about weight or food. That always makes me cry... But ( Read more... )

"No one wants a fat girl. It's funny when you think about it. Snobby girls get dates, so do mean ones, stupid ones and humorless ones, but no one wants a fat girl. Fat is such a huge sin that it would take the personality of Mary Tyler Moore, the sense of humor of Jerry Seinfeld, the facial beauty of Cindy Crawford and the money of Oprah Winfrey ( Read more... )

My boyfriend left on the 25th. I miss him a lot and of course have urges to binge... but I haven't yet. And I really doubt I will, since I'm staying with a friend for the rest of the summer (I arrived the day after he left). This means that I am not in control of my own food (something I have not had to deal with since I was veryyoung... ). I can ( Read more... )