I haven't been writing - so that means I've been binging. There isn't anything to say when I do that. It just blocks everything out and when it doesn't all I feel is guilt for my size / eating. And that's definitely not a feeling and I want to sit down and explore. (Instead I just binge again...) This weekend was especially bad. I guess I could ( Read more... )

Well, I was going to restrict this month. Then came the tonsillitis. After spending three hours waiting around in some doctor's office, I found out I was also going to need a tonsillectomy. Well, all of that made restricting futile for the two weeks I was sick before the surgery and the ten day healing period afterward. Though it's not like I could ( Read more... )

I can't go on like this. I never thought I'd let myself get this bad. I'd always managed to restrict or "diet" before something like this would happen. Before I'd reach a new weight, a new low... I can hardly remember doing anything during the past three months except skipping lots of class because I felt too depressed and overwhelmed to go, ( Read more... )

It's Friday night, the end of the week that I look forward to, because there is no school or work to get in the way of our conversing... and my boyfriend didn't bother to get a hold of me until he was already falling asleep. I felt so sad. And then my best friend told me he was going to go hang out with his ex, who betrayed his trust incredibly ( Read more... )

I know I'm at my highest weight ever right now. I haven't even bothered to go near the scale. I'm not ready to deal with that at the moment. I can't sleep at night so I usually find myself awake until 5 A.M. I binge even more now that I'm awake all night. I feel constantly tired and zoned out ( Read more... )

As a fat girl, it's very intimidating to say that I have a boyfriend. It feels wrong to proclaim this to anyone. I worry about the reactions I'll recieve - disblief and disgust or pity for the poor boy who's stuck with me ( Read more... )

It's strange to think that in another month... I will have gone a whole half a year without purging. The first three months were so hard. It's gotten easier, though.

But I know I wouldn't have been able to stop purging if I weren't still fucking my body up in other ways. I still binge and restrict. It's so incredibly hard to give everything up - ( Read more... )

I often feel as though I have only two choices: I can feel constantly guilty for who I am... or I can binge and/or purge to take my mind off of this feeling. I know how unhealthy the latter is. I wish that I could find a way to feel, at the least, that it's okay to be who I am. But the entire base of my guilt is founded in my weight. So unless I ( Read more... )

"Hi ( Read more... )