(no subject)
Wishing Stars
Part 15
Final Chapter
One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six Seven, Eight, Nine Ten Eleven,Twelve, Thirteen, Fourteen
The shades in Billy’s house were always pulled down so the sun had to filter through them, turning the light a weak-tea color. Bean liked to take photographs of Billy in this stale light. He captured Billy sleeping, eating, pacing, fresh from the shower with water droplets clinging to his skin. The photos were stunning in the viewfinder but they always came out wrong. They were blurry, or over-lit, or too dim. Billy was always off-center, like he wanted to slide out of the frame, avoid capture. Or he moved at the last second and was rendered see-through, caught in two places, a ghost.
Winter melted and the river ran. The water raged and hurried and Viggo’s and Dom’s pulses throbbed with it. They were eager to be moving on. Devin sensed this urgency but did not share it. He would remain on Algid for another season, perhaps another year. Time did not move so swiftly here and time was what he feared now. He did not want the days to pass too quickly, to come and separate him from his great grief, his great love.
He enjoyed the chores here. He liked how hunting engaged his mind, let him become nothing but predator and prey for hours. He liked chopping wood, and caring for the animals, tasks that let his mind wander back up the river of time, to a smiling face, to a voice, to a body and soul that he loved.
The river that Dom and Viggo watched could not rush him toward his happiness.
“Your family,” Dom said.
“I’ll give you letters. They can come here to visit. It’s a good place to come. Peaceful. I want you to win the war, Dom. But I…I don’t have anything left to fight with. It may not be as much as some but I know my limitations, I’ve given everything I have.”
Dom took the letters and pressed his tear-wet cheek to Devin’s.
“You made me promise to come visit you on Sylvan. I’ll hold you to that. Sometime in the next fifty years I’ll be calling in your promise.”
Devin shook out his fishing net.
“Fifty years?”
“How ever long it takes, mate.”
Devin’s smile was wobbly.
“Love you, Dom.”
“Yeah well, you know you’re a big hero right? And I’ll accept all your honors and fawning on your behalf? And get my picture plastered all over the nets and have offers of…stardom and…crap.”
“I won’t forget you.”
“I won’t let you.”
~*~
Dom spent the flight home being pampered by the medics and reading trashy novels. Mostly he stared out the window at the black. Sometimes Viggo would come by and sit next to him. They didn’t talk. There was no need. They were both thinking the same thoughts.
~*~
It was a scream and a sob and it tore the air. Dom saw a blur of blonde hair flying and saw Viggo stagger as the blur ran into him. He couldn’t help but smile. He smiled and waited. His eyes raked the landing pad. He saw Liv and felt her take his hand. Bean clapped him on the back. The dogs romped at his feet. The wind blew sand into his eyes. He smiled. Molly licked his face and yelped with joy. Liv pulled on his arm.
“Viggo?”
“Just this way, Dom,” Liv sang, “I brought my car.”
“Where’s Billy?”
“I thought we’d eat first. It’s a drive to the school. There’s a new restaurant open. It serves food only grown on Buckland! Can you imagine?”
“Where’s Billy?”
Sean put his hand on Dom’s arm. “He…couldn’t…He’s okay, Dom.”
Dom yanked his hand out of Liv’s grasp.
“Something’s wrong.” There was no rational explanation for Billy not being here to meet him. He would come. He would come if he was tied in a sack under water with a submarine parked on top. “Viggo! Viggo!”
Dom turned to find Viggo across the crowded tarmac. Miranda was whispering urgently into his ear. When Viggo’s eyes met Dom’s they were puddles of pity and despair. Dom staggered, felt his body hit Liv’s, felt her fingers close on his arm, saw her hair sway in the wind.
Dom didn’t have any words. He only had a primal scream that tore from his body without his will or consent.
“Dom! I swear to you…Let me explain.”
Viggo was sprinting for him, pushing people out of his way.
“Give him to me! I’ve waited! I held on! I didn’t die! Give him to me!” Dom screamed until his breath left him and then he screamed silently. Black spots swam before his eyes. Viggo fell to his knees in front him, his arms opened, and Dom fell into them. He fell into the dark.
~*~
“He’s in a state of shock.”
“I thought we could prolong…explain…”
“Fuck. Where’s Boyd?”
“In the waiting room.”
“Does he have any idea what planet he’s on and what year it is?”
“He…he’s umm.”
“He’s what?”
“He thinks he’s going to a dance.”
“What?”
“He’s convinced he’s going to a spring dance and he wants dapperdolls.”
“Dapperdolls?”
“They seem to be a flower of some sort. He’s very adamant on this point.”
Dom smiled. He didn’t open his eyes. He wanted to think about Billy going to a spring dance with dapperdolls in his lapel.
“You wish on them.”
Only one person in the galaxy had that accent.
“Dr. Boyd, you should be resting.”
“I am. I’m standing and resting. But the dapperdoll…daffodil…you wish on them. That is the point that I’m making here. You dance with them and then you are home. Where ever you are. You wish and you’re home. They are like ruby slippers.”
“Dr. Boyd, you’ve been…here, sit down.”
“I’m not tired. No poppies. Just daffodils. They don’t put you to sleep at all.”
Dom frowned. Billy sounded lost.
“Bill?” His throat was dry.
“Once I wished and wished for lilacs and I lost my hope for them and they came back. Dom is like lilacs. They said he’s back. I don’t…I don’t think it’s nice to lie.”
Dom opened his eyes. He was in a hospital room and the voices were coming from the hall.
“Billy?”
Dom heard Billy’s sob.
“They told me the war was over and Dom was back. But I don’t believe it. It’s only because I’m crazy that I hear his voice. I’m crazy and I’m dead and he’s not back?”
“Dr. Boyd…Doctor…where are you going?”
“Hello! Are you going to the dance? I think I’ve lost my ride. You wouldn’t be able to drive me at all?”
There was a long pause.
“The dance is in here.”
Billy shuffled into the room. He was wearing a ratty old blazer and slippers. Dom smiled at him.
“There must be some mistake. This isn’t a dance.”
“Bill?”
Billy flinched.
Dom sat up in the bed. His head spun but he held out his hand.
“Billy? It’s me. It’s Dom. Remember?”
Billy looked at him and quickly looked away. “I don’t…it’s not something I…see. There aren’t any dancers. Only me. I’m the only dancer. The sands sing but they are sadder than before and not so lovely. When I danced in the shadow of the White Tower I was beautiful, but the White Tower is dead. And now? Now when I dance I am pitiful and I’m wearing bedroom slippers. They’re not made for dancing. You shouldn’t dance on graves anyway. It’s not kind. Excuse me.”
Billy stumbled from the room, sliding on the slick tile in his slippers. Tears were hot on Dom’s cheeks.
“What’s happened to him?”
~*~
The doctors said Dom should give it time. Bean was living in Justin’s room for the time being, looking after things. Small meetings at first. He could stay with friends, or at the base. Hopefully, in time…
Dom nodded at their advice and moved into Billy’s house. He arrived as Billy was sitting down to breakfast.
“Where’s Justin?”
Billy jumped and spilled his tea.
“Sean?”
“Bill?”
“Is it…shall I…?”
Sean nodded.
“Perhaps if you give him some money he will…” Billy made shooing motions with his hands.
“Who, Bill?”
“What? Oh, never mind. I must have dozed off. I thought I saw…”
Bean rolled his eyes. Dom pulled out the chair, banged it on the floor and sat down in it as loudly as possible. Billy looked at the ceiling.
Dom took the toast off Billy’s plate and shoved it into his mouth.
“Why are all the shades down?” He looked at Bean.
“He won’t open them.”
Dom got up, kicked the chair back in, and opened the blind over the sink. Billy squinted in the morning sunlight. Dom opened the window to let the breeze in. Billy trembled though the air was warm.
“I think…I think I need to lie down for a while.”
He got to his feet slowly and his legs wobbled beneath him. Sean rushed forward to guide him. Dom started to follow but Sean raised a hand to stop him.
“Enough for now,” he said.
~*~
“Where is Justin?”
“At Miranda’s. We decided it was best for him not to see this.”
“Is he okay?”
“He’s…resilient. He misses Billy. Writes him letters. They have short visits. But he laughs and plays with Emma. Takes care of the dogs.”
“Do you think…do you think I should leave? The doctors said…”
“Billy’s trying to protect his sanity, Dom. His heart. He’s already mourned you, died for you. When he cut his arms he thought he cut out his despair. He thought he cut himself off from pain, from life. He’s been pretending he’s happy. Delusional, but happy.”
“So he’s better off? Without me? Safe?”
“Yes, when you’re dead you are safe, aren’t you? Living hurts. Right now Billy is happy. He defines happiness as a darkened room, solitude, and a cup of tea. If you can bring him more joy than that, you should stay.”
Dom took a deep breath and scrubbed his hands through his hair. He stood up and walked over to look out the window.
“Bean, I love you very much. I’ll never be able to repay your kindness. Right now, I need you to pack your things and leave.”
“I don’t have anything I need here. You know how to find me.”
Dom heard the door open.
“When I heard you were alive I thought it was a miracle. The dead returning to live again. If you can do it, Billy can.”
The door closed and Dom smiled. He walked down the hall to the bedroom.
~*~
“How did that story go again? There were these two brave blokes. They wanted to save their world but they lost their happiness? Is that how it goes?”
Dom pulled back the curtains and yanked up the window.
“But someone told me happiness is not a hard thing to find. We just have to remember where to look. How to look. It’s in the sunlight on the windowsill. It flies on the breeze.”
Billy was balled up under the covers. Dom strode to the bed and pulled back the blankets.
“When someone kisses your hand…”
“DON’T TOUCH ME!”
Dom dropped the blankets and stumbled back.
“It’s okay. Goodbye, face. Yellow dapperdolls and spaceships. Dogs and stars. Home no more. It’s okay. It’s okay.”
“Bill.”
“Ghosts and stones. Towers and beach. Visions and dark. Ronin riding, weeping, weeping. No one has to cry anymore.”
Dom backed slowly from the room.
~*~
There was something wrong. The room was too bright. It was breezy and cold. Billy limped from the bed and quickly closed the window and the blinds. Perhaps he’d had a bad dream. He’d eat toast and have tea. That always made him feel better.
He put on his slippers and tiptoed into the hall. He stopped. It was too bright. Someone had left all the shades and all the windows open. He was about to hurry and close them but there was a sound. Someone was singing in the kitchen. Someone was singing and…Billy sniffed the air…yes, someone was cooking. Someone was making a smell of cooking his favorite meal. No one could cook his favorite meal. No one but…
Silently, Billy stole forward and peered into the kitchen. He gasped.
“Hungry then?”
It wasn’t real. He could smell it and see it and hear it but it wasn’t real. One ought not to encourage such visions. Dom was dead. Billy could not live in a fantasy.
His mouth watered as the Dom-figment lifted the seasoned mushrooms to his own lips to taste them. A smear of butter glistened on his chin.
“They’re good. Come try them.”
Billy’s heart raced. He ran back to the bedroom and slammed the door. He took off his slippers and threw them at the wall.
“I WANT TOAST AND TEA! THAT’S ALL I WANT!”
He dove back under the covers.
~*~
When he woke it was because he thought he heard the door closing. On the night table was a plate of toast, a cup of tea, a platter of mushrooms, peppered meat in a wine sauce, and wilted greens. There was a daffodil in a vase and note.
Billy opened the note.
I’m real. I love you. I never let go.
Billy folded the paper. It crinkled in his hands. He ate the toast and drank his tea. When he was done the note was still in his hand and the platter of food still seemed to exist beside his bed. He reached over, furtively took a mushroom, and popped it into his mouth. Memories of dinners and laughter flooded his mind. His eyes watered. Billy spit it out.
He would not cry. It hurt to cry. He fluffed his pillow. Sleep didn’t hurt.
~*~
“Oh, it was a stunning success. He spit out the one thing he tasted.”
“Baby steps, baby. He tasted it.” Miranda put her head on his shoulder and hugged him tight. “I’m so glad you’re back.”
“You’ve your husband to thank for that. Did he tell you he carried me for twelve miles through the wilderness?”
“What else would he have done? We couldn’t do without you.”
Her eyes sparkled with pride though.
“Built a raft, fought with blizzards, wrestled fierce creatures.”
“If you call Andrew fierce.” Viggo said.
“I am surrounded by honorable men.” Miranda sighed. “When The League announced you were dead. I think the universe was struck silent. General Mortensen. The hero Monaghan. So many soldiers had served under you, respected you. It was like the quiet before the storm. And then there battles every where. Men and women fighting as if they had nothing to lose. Or as if they had everything to lose. They were outraged that their heroes were dead. The League faced battles on every front. At the highest point of the conflict they lost over 100,000 soldiers a minute. Planets just rose up and revolted. There was a mad, fierce anger, followed by a wildfire of joy. But here, we had thought we lost you. And we had lost Billy. I’m sorry, Dom. I’m so sorry.”
Dom wiped the tears from his face.
“Billy’s back at the house, Miranda. I should be getting back to him actually. Thank you, for this. It’s good to be around friends.”
Viggo stood. “You’re to come whenever you want to, Dom. Our house is your house. That’s an order.”
Dom didn’t salute. He walked into Viggo’s arms and stayed there for many minutes.
~*~
Something was wrong. Again. His bed was too warm and the covers weren’t snug over him. Something was breathing in the bed beside him. Snuffling. Billy turned over. He saw wet eyes in the moonlight.
“Do-!” No, he wouldn’t say the name. It hurt too much. This Dom-figment looked sad. Billy wanted to reach over and comfort him. He put out his hand. But no. Too many nights he wished Dom’s warmth into his bed. Too many nights he had imagined and reached out and found only the cold bitterness of his own wishful thinking. Still, he couldn’t quite leave those eyes without comfort.
“Go to a happier place, friend. Don’t linger here.”
“I don’t have a happier place. You’re here. Do you still love me?”
“Always. I just can’t touch the place that loves you right now. It hurts too much.”
“Why?”
“Because I miss you.”
“I’m right here.”
“I want to touch you. Make love to you. I can’t bear longing for you.”
“You don’t have to. I’m right here.”
“You’re a dream.”
A hand reached towards him out the darkness.
“Please, don’t. I can’t bear it.”
“Bill…”
“I’ll scream. I won’t stop.”
“Bill, let me in.” The figment’s hand fell to the blankets. His eyes closed and tears leaked out from beneath his eyelids. Billy wanted and wanted to kiss them away.
“Just breathe,” he said to himself. The Dom-figment breathed and breathed and breathed until it slept.
~*~
Billy got used to it. The Dom-figment kept to itself. It made its own meals. It came to bed after him and got up before he did. It didn’t sing anymore. Maybe it was fading. In the afternoons it sat on Dom’s yoga mat and breathed for a long time. It fiddled in the greenhouse. It went for long walks. Billy thought if he just kept ignoring it, it would eventually go away. He didn’t want to think about missing it.
There was a full moon. The figment came home late. Billy was already in bed but he could hear it on the porch. It was snuffling. Billy wrapped a blanket around himself. It would be heartless not to go see him off.
“Are you leaving then?”
“Bill? You should be in bed, shouldn’t you?”
“I thought you might be leaving. Is that why you’re crying?”
“No, Bill. It’s Molly. She died this afternoon.”
“What?”
“She was old. But she saw me through some pretty tough times, you know? Hell, she wooed you for me.”
Dom put his head in his lap and wept.
“But Dom. It’s perfect! If you go too you won’t have to miss her!”
Dom staggered to his feet and leaned over the railing to vomit into the foliage.
“Fuck you, Bill.”
He ran off into the night.
~*~
The Dom-figment didn’t return for two days. On the third day Billy spent a long time looking for his shoes and then put them on. When he opened the door he was surprised to find that it was night. The bushes were crying.
Billy knelt next to them and saw wet eyes.
“I see what you mean, Bill. I see how it hurts. I’ll go away. You find what happiness you can. But if you ever wake up…oh fuck it! I’m going back to Nola. I want to go home, Bill. But home is not here. You’re gone. And I can’t…I can’t …”
Dom fumbled as he tried to stand. He put out his hand for support on Billy’s shoulder. It was warm.
“You touched me.”
“Sorry.” Dom wiped his nose on his hand.
“Wait! You touched me. You…you’re real.”
Dom swayed where he stood.
Billy trembled. “Can I try it again?”
Dom didn’t say anything. Tears rolled down his cheeks.
Billy reached out and pressed his fingers to them. He felt the warmth and wetness. He snatched them away.
“If you’re real I’ll cry. I might not be able to stop.”
Dom pulled at his own hair and dropped to a squat in the grass. He stood up and howled at the night.
“Cry then, Bill! Cry and cry and cry. Cry for me! Fall in love with me! Hate me! Punch me! Just fucking feel something!”
Billy stepped closer. He could smell Dom. He could feel his heat. He buried his face in Dom’s neck.
“Dom!”
“You daft fucking cunt. I promised you I would come back.”
There were tears on Billy’s cheeks. He didn’t try to hold them back. Dom’s lips were on his neck and on his face and on his hair and on his lips.
“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry, Dom!”
“Once there was these too blokes, Bill. These two stupid, not very attractive blokes. And they fell in love. And they saved the world. And they were busy and hurt and mad as hatters. And they went looking for happiness. Not realizing, not even realizing, Bill, that happiness was in their own bedroom. That nothing…” Dom paused to suck on Billy’s neck and lift him off his feet. “Could make them happier than buggering each other senseless. Does that sound like a plan? It may not save the world but…”
“It’s worth a try anyway. I’m tired of saving the world.”
“I love you.”
Dom hurried toward the house but stopped midway.
“Wait! Find the wishing star. Make a wish.”
Billy looked up into the sky to where he knew the wishing star was. He closed his eyes. He took a deep breath and let his head sag onto Dom’s shoulder.
“Let’s not. Let’s let it go. Let’s wave goodbye.”
Dom put Billy down gently. They stood in the grass on Buckland. They stood on the firm ground of their new home and blew kisses into the dark.
“Goodbye, Maggie!”
“Goodbye, Mom!”
“Goodbye, Manchester!”
“Goodbye, Glasgow!”
“Goodbye!”
Then they went inside and celebrated life.
Part 15
Final Chapter
One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six Seven, Eight, Nine Ten Eleven,Twelve, Thirteen, Fourteen
The shades in Billy’s house were always pulled down so the sun had to filter through them, turning the light a weak-tea color. Bean liked to take photographs of Billy in this stale light. He captured Billy sleeping, eating, pacing, fresh from the shower with water droplets clinging to his skin. The photos were stunning in the viewfinder but they always came out wrong. They were blurry, or over-lit, or too dim. Billy was always off-center, like he wanted to slide out of the frame, avoid capture. Or he moved at the last second and was rendered see-through, caught in two places, a ghost.
Winter melted and the river ran. The water raged and hurried and Viggo’s and Dom’s pulses throbbed with it. They were eager to be moving on. Devin sensed this urgency but did not share it. He would remain on Algid for another season, perhaps another year. Time did not move so swiftly here and time was what he feared now. He did not want the days to pass too quickly, to come and separate him from his great grief, his great love.
He enjoyed the chores here. He liked how hunting engaged his mind, let him become nothing but predator and prey for hours. He liked chopping wood, and caring for the animals, tasks that let his mind wander back up the river of time, to a smiling face, to a voice, to a body and soul that he loved.
The river that Dom and Viggo watched could not rush him toward his happiness.
“Your family,” Dom said.
“I’ll give you letters. They can come here to visit. It’s a good place to come. Peaceful. I want you to win the war, Dom. But I…I don’t have anything left to fight with. It may not be as much as some but I know my limitations, I’ve given everything I have.”
Dom took the letters and pressed his tear-wet cheek to Devin’s.
“You made me promise to come visit you on Sylvan. I’ll hold you to that. Sometime in the next fifty years I’ll be calling in your promise.”
Devin shook out his fishing net.
“Fifty years?”
“How ever long it takes, mate.”
Devin’s smile was wobbly.
“Love you, Dom.”
“Yeah well, you know you’re a big hero right? And I’ll accept all your honors and fawning on your behalf? And get my picture plastered all over the nets and have offers of…stardom and…crap.”
“I won’t forget you.”
“I won’t let you.”
~*~
Dom spent the flight home being pampered by the medics and reading trashy novels. Mostly he stared out the window at the black. Sometimes Viggo would come by and sit next to him. They didn’t talk. There was no need. They were both thinking the same thoughts.
~*~
It was a scream and a sob and it tore the air. Dom saw a blur of blonde hair flying and saw Viggo stagger as the blur ran into him. He couldn’t help but smile. He smiled and waited. His eyes raked the landing pad. He saw Liv and felt her take his hand. Bean clapped him on the back. The dogs romped at his feet. The wind blew sand into his eyes. He smiled. Molly licked his face and yelped with joy. Liv pulled on his arm.
“Viggo?”
“Just this way, Dom,” Liv sang, “I brought my car.”
“Where’s Billy?”
“I thought we’d eat first. It’s a drive to the school. There’s a new restaurant open. It serves food only grown on Buckland! Can you imagine?”
“Where’s Billy?”
Sean put his hand on Dom’s arm. “He…couldn’t…He’s okay, Dom.”
Dom yanked his hand out of Liv’s grasp.
“Something’s wrong.” There was no rational explanation for Billy not being here to meet him. He would come. He would come if he was tied in a sack under water with a submarine parked on top. “Viggo! Viggo!”
Dom turned to find Viggo across the crowded tarmac. Miranda was whispering urgently into his ear. When Viggo’s eyes met Dom’s they were puddles of pity and despair. Dom staggered, felt his body hit Liv’s, felt her fingers close on his arm, saw her hair sway in the wind.
Dom didn’t have any words. He only had a primal scream that tore from his body without his will or consent.
“Dom! I swear to you…Let me explain.”
Viggo was sprinting for him, pushing people out of his way.
“Give him to me! I’ve waited! I held on! I didn’t die! Give him to me!” Dom screamed until his breath left him and then he screamed silently. Black spots swam before his eyes. Viggo fell to his knees in front him, his arms opened, and Dom fell into them. He fell into the dark.
~*~
“He’s in a state of shock.”
“I thought we could prolong…explain…”
“Fuck. Where’s Boyd?”
“In the waiting room.”
“Does he have any idea what planet he’s on and what year it is?”
“He…he’s umm.”
“He’s what?”
“He thinks he’s going to a dance.”
“What?”
“He’s convinced he’s going to a spring dance and he wants dapperdolls.”
“Dapperdolls?”
“They seem to be a flower of some sort. He’s very adamant on this point.”
Dom smiled. He didn’t open his eyes. He wanted to think about Billy going to a spring dance with dapperdolls in his lapel.
“You wish on them.”
Only one person in the galaxy had that accent.
“Dr. Boyd, you should be resting.”
“I am. I’m standing and resting. But the dapperdoll…daffodil…you wish on them. That is the point that I’m making here. You dance with them and then you are home. Where ever you are. You wish and you’re home. They are like ruby slippers.”
“Dr. Boyd, you’ve been…here, sit down.”
“I’m not tired. No poppies. Just daffodils. They don’t put you to sleep at all.”
Dom frowned. Billy sounded lost.
“Bill?” His throat was dry.
“Once I wished and wished for lilacs and I lost my hope for them and they came back. Dom is like lilacs. They said he’s back. I don’t…I don’t think it’s nice to lie.”
Dom opened his eyes. He was in a hospital room and the voices were coming from the hall.
“Billy?”
Dom heard Billy’s sob.
“They told me the war was over and Dom was back. But I don’t believe it. It’s only because I’m crazy that I hear his voice. I’m crazy and I’m dead and he’s not back?”
“Dr. Boyd…Doctor…where are you going?”
“Hello! Are you going to the dance? I think I’ve lost my ride. You wouldn’t be able to drive me at all?”
There was a long pause.
“The dance is in here.”
Billy shuffled into the room. He was wearing a ratty old blazer and slippers. Dom smiled at him.
“There must be some mistake. This isn’t a dance.”
“Bill?”
Billy flinched.
Dom sat up in the bed. His head spun but he held out his hand.
“Billy? It’s me. It’s Dom. Remember?”
Billy looked at him and quickly looked away. “I don’t…it’s not something I…see. There aren’t any dancers. Only me. I’m the only dancer. The sands sing but they are sadder than before and not so lovely. When I danced in the shadow of the White Tower I was beautiful, but the White Tower is dead. And now? Now when I dance I am pitiful and I’m wearing bedroom slippers. They’re not made for dancing. You shouldn’t dance on graves anyway. It’s not kind. Excuse me.”
Billy stumbled from the room, sliding on the slick tile in his slippers. Tears were hot on Dom’s cheeks.
“What’s happened to him?”
~*~
The doctors said Dom should give it time. Bean was living in Justin’s room for the time being, looking after things. Small meetings at first. He could stay with friends, or at the base. Hopefully, in time…
Dom nodded at their advice and moved into Billy’s house. He arrived as Billy was sitting down to breakfast.
“Where’s Justin?”
Billy jumped and spilled his tea.
“Sean?”
“Bill?”
“Is it…shall I…?”
Sean nodded.
“Perhaps if you give him some money he will…” Billy made shooing motions with his hands.
“Who, Bill?”
“What? Oh, never mind. I must have dozed off. I thought I saw…”
Bean rolled his eyes. Dom pulled out the chair, banged it on the floor and sat down in it as loudly as possible. Billy looked at the ceiling.
Dom took the toast off Billy’s plate and shoved it into his mouth.
“Why are all the shades down?” He looked at Bean.
“He won’t open them.”
Dom got up, kicked the chair back in, and opened the blind over the sink. Billy squinted in the morning sunlight. Dom opened the window to let the breeze in. Billy trembled though the air was warm.
“I think…I think I need to lie down for a while.”
He got to his feet slowly and his legs wobbled beneath him. Sean rushed forward to guide him. Dom started to follow but Sean raised a hand to stop him.
“Enough for now,” he said.
~*~
“Where is Justin?”
“At Miranda’s. We decided it was best for him not to see this.”
“Is he okay?”
“He’s…resilient. He misses Billy. Writes him letters. They have short visits. But he laughs and plays with Emma. Takes care of the dogs.”
“Do you think…do you think I should leave? The doctors said…”
“Billy’s trying to protect his sanity, Dom. His heart. He’s already mourned you, died for you. When he cut his arms he thought he cut out his despair. He thought he cut himself off from pain, from life. He’s been pretending he’s happy. Delusional, but happy.”
“So he’s better off? Without me? Safe?”
“Yes, when you’re dead you are safe, aren’t you? Living hurts. Right now Billy is happy. He defines happiness as a darkened room, solitude, and a cup of tea. If you can bring him more joy than that, you should stay.”
Dom took a deep breath and scrubbed his hands through his hair. He stood up and walked over to look out the window.
“Bean, I love you very much. I’ll never be able to repay your kindness. Right now, I need you to pack your things and leave.”
“I don’t have anything I need here. You know how to find me.”
Dom heard the door open.
“When I heard you were alive I thought it was a miracle. The dead returning to live again. If you can do it, Billy can.”
The door closed and Dom smiled. He walked down the hall to the bedroom.
~*~
“How did that story go again? There were these two brave blokes. They wanted to save their world but they lost their happiness? Is that how it goes?”
Dom pulled back the curtains and yanked up the window.
“But someone told me happiness is not a hard thing to find. We just have to remember where to look. How to look. It’s in the sunlight on the windowsill. It flies on the breeze.”
Billy was balled up under the covers. Dom strode to the bed and pulled back the blankets.
“When someone kisses your hand…”
“DON’T TOUCH ME!”
Dom dropped the blankets and stumbled back.
“It’s okay. Goodbye, face. Yellow dapperdolls and spaceships. Dogs and stars. Home no more. It’s okay. It’s okay.”
“Bill.”
“Ghosts and stones. Towers and beach. Visions and dark. Ronin riding, weeping, weeping. No one has to cry anymore.”
Dom backed slowly from the room.
~*~
There was something wrong. The room was too bright. It was breezy and cold. Billy limped from the bed and quickly closed the window and the blinds. Perhaps he’d had a bad dream. He’d eat toast and have tea. That always made him feel better.
He put on his slippers and tiptoed into the hall. He stopped. It was too bright. Someone had left all the shades and all the windows open. He was about to hurry and close them but there was a sound. Someone was singing in the kitchen. Someone was singing and…Billy sniffed the air…yes, someone was cooking. Someone was making a smell of cooking his favorite meal. No one could cook his favorite meal. No one but…
Silently, Billy stole forward and peered into the kitchen. He gasped.
“Hungry then?”
It wasn’t real. He could smell it and see it and hear it but it wasn’t real. One ought not to encourage such visions. Dom was dead. Billy could not live in a fantasy.
His mouth watered as the Dom-figment lifted the seasoned mushrooms to his own lips to taste them. A smear of butter glistened on his chin.
“They’re good. Come try them.”
Billy’s heart raced. He ran back to the bedroom and slammed the door. He took off his slippers and threw them at the wall.
“I WANT TOAST AND TEA! THAT’S ALL I WANT!”
He dove back under the covers.
~*~
When he woke it was because he thought he heard the door closing. On the night table was a plate of toast, a cup of tea, a platter of mushrooms, peppered meat in a wine sauce, and wilted greens. There was a daffodil in a vase and note.
Billy opened the note.
I’m real. I love you. I never let go.
Billy folded the paper. It crinkled in his hands. He ate the toast and drank his tea. When he was done the note was still in his hand and the platter of food still seemed to exist beside his bed. He reached over, furtively took a mushroom, and popped it into his mouth. Memories of dinners and laughter flooded his mind. His eyes watered. Billy spit it out.
He would not cry. It hurt to cry. He fluffed his pillow. Sleep didn’t hurt.
~*~
“Oh, it was a stunning success. He spit out the one thing he tasted.”
“Baby steps, baby. He tasted it.” Miranda put her head on his shoulder and hugged him tight. “I’m so glad you’re back.”
“You’ve your husband to thank for that. Did he tell you he carried me for twelve miles through the wilderness?”
“What else would he have done? We couldn’t do without you.”
Her eyes sparkled with pride though.
“Built a raft, fought with blizzards, wrestled fierce creatures.”
“If you call Andrew fierce.” Viggo said.
“I am surrounded by honorable men.” Miranda sighed. “When The League announced you were dead. I think the universe was struck silent. General Mortensen. The hero Monaghan. So many soldiers had served under you, respected you. It was like the quiet before the storm. And then there battles every where. Men and women fighting as if they had nothing to lose. Or as if they had everything to lose. They were outraged that their heroes were dead. The League faced battles on every front. At the highest point of the conflict they lost over 100,000 soldiers a minute. Planets just rose up and revolted. There was a mad, fierce anger, followed by a wildfire of joy. But here, we had thought we lost you. And we had lost Billy. I’m sorry, Dom. I’m so sorry.”
Dom wiped the tears from his face.
“Billy’s back at the house, Miranda. I should be getting back to him actually. Thank you, for this. It’s good to be around friends.”
Viggo stood. “You’re to come whenever you want to, Dom. Our house is your house. That’s an order.”
Dom didn’t salute. He walked into Viggo’s arms and stayed there for many minutes.
~*~
Something was wrong. Again. His bed was too warm and the covers weren’t snug over him. Something was breathing in the bed beside him. Snuffling. Billy turned over. He saw wet eyes in the moonlight.
“Do-!” No, he wouldn’t say the name. It hurt too much. This Dom-figment looked sad. Billy wanted to reach over and comfort him. He put out his hand. But no. Too many nights he wished Dom’s warmth into his bed. Too many nights he had imagined and reached out and found only the cold bitterness of his own wishful thinking. Still, he couldn’t quite leave those eyes without comfort.
“Go to a happier place, friend. Don’t linger here.”
“I don’t have a happier place. You’re here. Do you still love me?”
“Always. I just can’t touch the place that loves you right now. It hurts too much.”
“Why?”
“Because I miss you.”
“I’m right here.”
“I want to touch you. Make love to you. I can’t bear longing for you.”
“You don’t have to. I’m right here.”
“You’re a dream.”
A hand reached towards him out the darkness.
“Please, don’t. I can’t bear it.”
“Bill…”
“I’ll scream. I won’t stop.”
“Bill, let me in.” The figment’s hand fell to the blankets. His eyes closed and tears leaked out from beneath his eyelids. Billy wanted and wanted to kiss them away.
“Just breathe,” he said to himself. The Dom-figment breathed and breathed and breathed until it slept.
~*~
Billy got used to it. The Dom-figment kept to itself. It made its own meals. It came to bed after him and got up before he did. It didn’t sing anymore. Maybe it was fading. In the afternoons it sat on Dom’s yoga mat and breathed for a long time. It fiddled in the greenhouse. It went for long walks. Billy thought if he just kept ignoring it, it would eventually go away. He didn’t want to think about missing it.
There was a full moon. The figment came home late. Billy was already in bed but he could hear it on the porch. It was snuffling. Billy wrapped a blanket around himself. It would be heartless not to go see him off.
“Are you leaving then?”
“Bill? You should be in bed, shouldn’t you?”
“I thought you might be leaving. Is that why you’re crying?”
“No, Bill. It’s Molly. She died this afternoon.”
“What?”
“She was old. But she saw me through some pretty tough times, you know? Hell, she wooed you for me.”
Dom put his head in his lap and wept.
“But Dom. It’s perfect! If you go too you won’t have to miss her!”
Dom staggered to his feet and leaned over the railing to vomit into the foliage.
“Fuck you, Bill.”
He ran off into the night.
~*~
The Dom-figment didn’t return for two days. On the third day Billy spent a long time looking for his shoes and then put them on. When he opened the door he was surprised to find that it was night. The bushes were crying.
Billy knelt next to them and saw wet eyes.
“I see what you mean, Bill. I see how it hurts. I’ll go away. You find what happiness you can. But if you ever wake up…oh fuck it! I’m going back to Nola. I want to go home, Bill. But home is not here. You’re gone. And I can’t…I can’t …”
Dom fumbled as he tried to stand. He put out his hand for support on Billy’s shoulder. It was warm.
“You touched me.”
“Sorry.” Dom wiped his nose on his hand.
“Wait! You touched me. You…you’re real.”
Dom swayed where he stood.
Billy trembled. “Can I try it again?”
Dom didn’t say anything. Tears rolled down his cheeks.
Billy reached out and pressed his fingers to them. He felt the warmth and wetness. He snatched them away.
“If you’re real I’ll cry. I might not be able to stop.”
Dom pulled at his own hair and dropped to a squat in the grass. He stood up and howled at the night.
“Cry then, Bill! Cry and cry and cry. Cry for me! Fall in love with me! Hate me! Punch me! Just fucking feel something!”
Billy stepped closer. He could smell Dom. He could feel his heat. He buried his face in Dom’s neck.
“Dom!”
“You daft fucking cunt. I promised you I would come back.”
There were tears on Billy’s cheeks. He didn’t try to hold them back. Dom’s lips were on his neck and on his face and on his hair and on his lips.
“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry, Dom!”
“Once there was these too blokes, Bill. These two stupid, not very attractive blokes. And they fell in love. And they saved the world. And they were busy and hurt and mad as hatters. And they went looking for happiness. Not realizing, not even realizing, Bill, that happiness was in their own bedroom. That nothing…” Dom paused to suck on Billy’s neck and lift him off his feet. “Could make them happier than buggering each other senseless. Does that sound like a plan? It may not save the world but…”
“It’s worth a try anyway. I’m tired of saving the world.”
“I love you.”
Dom hurried toward the house but stopped midway.
“Wait! Find the wishing star. Make a wish.”
Billy looked up into the sky to where he knew the wishing star was. He closed his eyes. He took a deep breath and let his head sag onto Dom’s shoulder.
“Let’s not. Let’s let it go. Let’s wave goodbye.”
Dom put Billy down gently. They stood in the grass on Buckland. They stood on the firm ground of their new home and blew kisses into the dark.
“Goodbye, Maggie!”
“Goodbye, Mom!”
“Goodbye, Manchester!”
“Goodbye, Glasgow!”
“Goodbye!”
Then they went inside and celebrated life.