i have this crazy thought that if i don't talk about what has happened, then maybe it will just pass over. maybe my feelings will just subside faster. maybe i'll be okay with it sooner. so i'm not going to say how shitty everything has been because i honestly don't want to see it in words. doesn't make sense? oh well, i don't make sense lately ( Read more... )

we had his funeral today. we got all dressed up for a man that couldn't even see us. or maybe, he was watching us. oh i hope he was watching, because i swear, the whole world showed up. more than 1200 people were there. at the funeral. at the mass. that is how amazing this man was. how many lives he has touched. && it killed. i didn't cry when i ( Read more... )

&& i'm crying because she has to go back to renfrew, and i don't. when i'm surviving on 500 calories a day and feel more sick mentally than ever. hating myself more than ever in my life. && no one cares. && no one notices. && no one even thinks twice about how i'm feeling, just as long as i'm still 104 pounds all is lovely, right? right? i thought ( Read more... )

dad was just here. and i feel terrible. i couldn't even suck up enough energy to be excited in my subtle hello. i just couldn't get out any emotion, no matter how hard he tried. i didn't want to talk about anything. i didn't want to be there, i didn't want to be anywhere with anyone but myself. i cried just when my mom was in my room for five ( Read more... )

this is all getting a little out of hand i might have to say. so basically i feel like everything is against me. like everything's just lying in top of me and everyone's waiting for me to collapse, except i think i already did, just no one has noticed it. and i am quite proud that i'm doing such a great job at hiding it all because i want to be ( Read more... )

things just keep piling up, and i hate it. i seem to hate so much these days, but i really hate all of this because it seems like i always have a problem. 'aw poor dana.' i hate that. i hate it so much when i never even really tell any of my problems to anyone except this journal and some people ( Read more... )

so here's the situation. i haven't seen my nutritionist for two weeks when i usually see her for an hour per week. she is pregnant and is on bed rest in the hospital until she has the baby, but she's only 27 weeks so she is on so much stuff to make sure she doesn't have the baby, but it looks like she will, and he's going to be so premmature and it ( Read more... )

this was from about 1:30 today when i was home alone: I feel so gross. So fat, so huge, so gigantic. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t handle not being able to lose the weight like I used to do. I can’t handle being so fat. I just can’t do it anymore. and I can’t handle crying looking at myself. Having this feeling of just wanting to jump out of my ( Read more... )

happy birthday angel. i love you so much gorgeous. so so much. i really don't know what i would do without you ( Read more... )

my dreams extend way beyond my physical capabilities. i wish they weren't so...impossible. i have no idea what to say. i haven't known for the past few days either. i've been sitting alone on this chair with my mind set on writing something constructive, or at the very lest, understandble. my mind feels overcrowded with thoughts that i just need to ( Read more... )