Steel ignites, white sparks fly ( Read more... )

PL saw the science of sleep yesterday and i found it to be the most amazing movie i have seen in a LOOOONG time. it... that guy was me. that was me on the screen and i could feel his pain and happiness and fear and confusion. the movie paralleled my current life uncannily, so much so that it was scary. his whole relationship, and the way they met, ( Read more... )

go to USM until i figure this shit out. that way ill be in a decent-sized city, ill be living on my own, ill be with newish people, ill be perhaps able to be in a decent music program, ill have time to get my chops up to get into perhaps a conservatory of music while not feeling like a complete fuck for staying home instead of giong to school ( Read more... )

went okay, i fucked up sight reading, blew some minds with improv. i probably didnt make it though, there was a shitload of bassists. the drive up was agonizing, because i had that feeling that you get before you do something huge and are not sure if you can do it. plus drew and mr peltola were talking about cars for like 2 hours which is all they ( Read more... )

what am i doing ( Read more... )

im exhausted and i have a college interview with lawrence in about 40 mins ( Read more... )

and HATING myself for it ( Read more... )

im begginning to think i have some sort of social disorder. i get really really nervous around crowds of people, even if i know everyone well ( Read more... )

of my past entries, and realized that ive changed alot. those entries were beautiful, and reflected my inner journey to eventual happiness and now WHAT HAPPENED. i thought i had it right, i asked for this pain, i did. i guess i left that world because it was so so small. and here i am, overwhelmed by everything around me, naive, cautious, ( Read more... )

im done. im done with her, fuck this. its up to her now cause im giving up, she kicked me out.

i went to south portland to alex's house after school. hes basically living on his own. but i think hes happy. KNOW WHY?

oh my god i need something really good to happen soon.