Out of Choices - Chapter 17
Title: Out Of Choices
Chapter 17: Questions (Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count: 7,002
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: An angry young woman is forced to move to the town of Forks, Washington and decides that alone is the best way to be. She buries her heart and puts on a tough façade that very few people are able to break through. Can the love of a teenage vampire get through to the lost girl inside? AU (alternative universe) and OOC (out of character). Bella is uber OOC. Edward, not so much.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
17. Metamorphosis
A/N: Twilight, Edward, Bella, Alice, Charlie, Emmett, Jessica, Lauren, Angela, Carlisle, Esme and every other character made reference to and then some is owned by Stephenie Meyers, not that you didn’t know that, but I still feel compelled to say it every chapter regardless.
This shall be a good week for updates if you’re in the mood to read. And thank you again for the reviews. I am so appreciative of you guys taking the time. Not that I wouldn’t like to encourage a few more of you to comment. I’m all for it. Feedback is like oxygen to me.
From Bella’s POV…
I’d either died and gone to heaven or lost my mind completely and both options were equally and entirely fucking scary to me. Did that really just happen? Did Edward Cullen just pull me into the supply closet, push me up against a wall and kiss me fucking senseless. If I had only dreamed it then did I really want to wreck it by over-thinking it? It was so surreal that I was having trouble processing it. I could still taste him on my tongue and feel the tingle he left on my skin where he touched me and smell his unique amazing scent on my jacket, proof positive that it did indeed fucking happen. I knew that. What I didn’t know was why it happened or what his game was.
When he grabbed me by the wrist and pulled me into the supply room I was ready to kick him in the balls. I didn’t like being caught off guard or being grabbed by him. Well, that wasn’t exactly a true statement. I don’t like being grabbed by anyone and as soon as I felt his fingers close around my wrist my body just naturally prepared for the fight. My heart thudded and my fists clenched and adrenaline raced through my veins. I immediately started pulling my wrist back towards my body, trying to get it out of his grasp, until he pulled me through the door and I saw his face, and then my line no longer mattered because it was Edward. My instincts told me he would not hurt me even if he did grab me. He didn’t know my lines and I’d certainly not been following those lines with him earlier in the day.
I tried to relax and let my irritation go but couldn’t, and I realized I was angry. I didn’t know what he was expecting from me, and as I tried to figure it out I became even angrier, not just at him but at myself. He shouldn’t have grabbed me but I shouldn’t have encouraged his expectations with my idiotic behaviour. Who did I think I was kissing him in the hallway? I was nothing more than a horny slut trying to play games with someone who was completely out of my league, someone who not only didn’t give a shit about me, but who was using me as much as I was using him. I wanted so fucking badly to believe my own words, to believe that I was using him the same way he was using me, but the thought was only half true. He was using me, but I could not equate using him with my feelings for him. I wanted him, as idiotic as it was.
I had to give the motherfucker credit. He knew exactly what he wanted. Every step I took to back away from him he matched, and not in an aggressive or threatening way, just pure confidence and determination, a force to be reckoned with and respected really. I was envious of his insight, to know what he wanted so clearly and to be completely unafraid to go after it, even if it was something so simple like fucking around with a girl. And that’s all it was. Edward Cullen was horny and I was a convenient pair of tits and no amount of rationalizing or dreaming would make it anything else.
It wasn’t hard to pretend he wanted me or that he cared. The way he cupped my face and held it so tenderly and gently between his palms, the way he stroked my cheek with his thumb like I was a prize worthy of his affection, the way he kissed me so softly over every inch of my face like he knew my soul needed saving. The boy had some serious fucking skills. No, pretending that he wanted me was easy, like breathing, I just had to close my eyes and let him touch me. And I did because I was an idiot, not for letting him corner me or kiss me, but for doing such a good job pretending that it felt real. I just disengaged and forgot who I was and forgot who he was and let it happen. Pretending was definitely the easy part. Coming back down to Earth was the hard part. That’s why I cut it off before he could pull back from me and remind me that it was all pretend and that I meant nothing to him, so I could stop it before he could reject me and break me a little more right before his eyes. That’s why I sat on my bed holding my knees to my chest and rocking back and forth while I cried, because more than anything I wanted it to be true and it just fucking wasn’t.
Charlie checked on me at least three times that night. I hadn’t cried like that since I first arrived and I knew he was worried I was relapsing into the grief over losing my mom. I probably should have admitted to him that I was being a pussy over a boy so he could relax but it seemed so entirely pathetic to say it out loud that I couldn’t find the strength to do it. I couldn’t find the strength to do much of anything that night except for crying and eventually I exhausted myself enough to sleep.
I was a ticking time bomb walking around the campus the next day - too little sleep and too much angst does not a happy Bella make. I was disgusted with myself for allowing myself to fall apart and be such a girl. It made me no better than sluts like Jessica Stanley and Lauren Mallory, who threw themselves at any halfway decent looking boy, trading sex for popularity. I wasn’t looking for popularity but it still felt like I was selling my soul. It was just easier to be angry at my reaction to the impossibility of it all rather than be angry with myself for letting the kiss happen. Considering my feelings for the asshole it would have been pretty fucking hard to resist him so I wasn’t going to guilt trip myself over it. I did need to reel it in though. I couldn’t keep playing games, as pleasurable and erotic as they were, or I was going to land up psychotic. Fuck, maybe I was already there, lost in the delusion that Edward Cullen had feelings for me and hallucinating random make-out encounters. The saddest part about the idea was that I wished it were true. Psychosis was a fucking cakewalk compared to reality.
Each class seemed more irritating than the last and my irritation made concentration almost impossible. I just sat and stewed and worked myself up to the point of frenzy. In fourth period I acknowledged that the approaching lunch hour and subsequent biology class were inescapable and resigned myself into numb acceptance. I couldn’t avoid it. I couldn’t change it and I had to accept my responsibility in it all because all along I knew I should have stopped it. Somehow I would get through it because there was no other choice, just like everything else in my fucking life.
I scanned the lines in the cafeteria looking for Alice but couldn’t find her. On the way to my table I peeked at the Cullen’s usual table hoping to catch her attention. It was curiously empty. What the fuck? I plopped down sullenly. I should have been relieved that he wasn’t at school and that I didn’t have to deal with him in biology but I wasn’t. I was pissed off. I didn’t want to delay my humiliation. I wanted to fucking get it over with.
“Mike and I were talking about heading down to the beach after school to take advantage of this fabulous weather. Is anyone else in?” Jessica wondered out loud.
“It kind of sounds like fun, Jess.” Angela’s voice was so soft it barely registered over the drone of cafeteria voices. “Did you want to come Bella?”
“Huh?” I asked, distracted.
“A bunch of kids are going to the beach after school. Did you want to tag along?”
“Ah, sure,” I mumbled before I really thought about what I’d just agreed to.
“Do you surf?” Angela wondered.
I snorted and burst out laughing. “Me? Surf? NO!” I assured her. “I don’t have a death wish.”
“Me either,” Angela agreed. “I mean the death wish…and the surfing.” She laughed lightly.
“I can barely walk without falling over my own fucking feet,” I offered, thinking about my disastrous attempt at surfing in Half Moon Bay. My mom and I were on vacation in San Francisco and someone recommended surfing to her. She signed us both up for lessons thinking it was a fantastic idea while conveniently overlooking my challenge in staying upright on solid ground. I’d never swallowed so much water in my life. I think my blood was salinated that day.
“We can watch the whales or something,” Angela offered shyly. I wondered if my swearing made her feel uncomfortable.
“Who else is going?’ I asked, trying to make her feel more at ease.
“Mike, Jessica, Eric, Tyler, Lauren, a bunch of people. We don’t see the sun very often here so everybody is excited.”
“Yeah, I noticed. Alice was so excited she didn’t even show up for school today.”
“Alice?” Angela inquired. “Alice Cullen?”
“Yeah, she’s my friend,” I mumbled.
“She’s probably camping,” Angela suggested.
“Camping?”
“Mr. and Mrs. Cullen pull all the kids out of school when the weather is nice and take them camping.”
“Seriously?” That so did not sound like Alice, or Edward for that matter. They were always so put together, clad in designer clothing and perfectly coifed. I’d never even seem them break a sweat. Bugs and twigs and sleeping on rocks didn’t really equate with the Cullen’s image.
“Yeah, they’re never around when the weather is nice.”
How fucking weird! “Lucky,” I offered feebly.
“I’ll say. It’s hard to concentrate in class when the sun is shining. It’s so distracting.”
“Yeah, distracting,” I agreed. Well at least I had an alternate excuse for my distraction. Perhaps my preoccupation with Edward wouldn’t seem quite so obvious today.
Biology was weird. I couldn’t relax, constantly checking the door for him and staring at his empty stool even though Angela had told me he was probably camping. I should have breezed through class completely unaffected because I didn’t have to worry about him making some comment or trying to occupy my attention in some manner. Instead, in his absence, class dragged on in monotony and I was restless and bored. There was no relief in being able to put off our inevitable conversation about my stupidity, no shitty comments to dread about our supply closet snogging, but he was still all I thought of. I missed him and that was wrong any way you fucking looked at it. I began to look forward the bloody beach excursion just so I couldn’t go home and wallow. That is until I heard a crack of thunder, followed by multiple lightening strikes and the clamour of a downpour on the school’s roof. God damn it! The universe was friggen conspiring against me.
I decided I was going to head to the beach anyway. Even alone and soaking wet it seemed like a better alternative than going home to wallow. Maybe if I sat in my truck and watched the ocean for a while all of the answers I was seeking would magically materialize out of thin air. Or maybe, for a minute, I wouldn’t feel like such a stupid fuck.
I could sense the ocean nearing as I traveled along the road that was now becoming familiar. I was caught up in my head as I drove, anxious and unsettled. I was hoping the ocean might help to calm me. Along the way I glanced down at the dash and noticed the engine light had come on. My truck was old so it wasn’t abnormal for it to run a little hot, but it wasn’t until then that I realized the sound of the engine was wrong, loud even for my engine, like there was a drag on the motor that was causing it to work harder than normal. I debated turning around but before I even had a chance to make a decision steam started spewing out from under the hood. I decided the stupid universe really was out to get me today.
I had no cell phone to call Charlie for help so I was on my own. I pulled over to the edge of the road and yanked hard on the hood release. I didn’t know much about engines but I did know the only way I was getting the engine cooled was to let the heat out. The rain was still coming down fairly hard so I pulled up my raincoat and went out to try and get the hood open. I struggled, pushing my small fingers under the hood to try and unhitch the latch but my fingers were too short and not quite strong enough to force it open.
“Fuck!”
I tried again, trying not to get flustered by my too short fingers and the massive amounts of steam billowing around my hands. It was hot and I could feel it burning my skin as I worked blindly on the latch. It was no use. I couldn’t get it.
“FUCK!”
I slid down the front of the truck into a crouch, covering my head with my arms as the rain pelted me, feeling like the biggest fucking waste of oxygen on the planet. Of course I had to come to the ocean and of course my truck had to have problems on a road in the middle of fucking no man’s land. If I’d just gone home this never would have happened. I get it universe. I’m a moron. You don’t need to prove it to me again. I believe you.
“Bella?”
“Ahhhhh,” I screamed, completely caught off guard and leaping to my feet. “God damn it Edward! You’re going to give me a fucking heart attack!” I didn’t hear his car drive up or even the slightest scratching of his feet against the gravel. If I didn’t know better I would say he purposely snuck up on me to scare the shit out of me. I looked up at him, blinking as the raindrops peppered my face. Even with rain dripping from his hair and face he was still completely gorgeous.
“Sorry,” he smiled. “I can’t help it if you’re extremely unobservant.”
“No, I’m sure you can’t help being as silent as a mouse while attempting to not scare the shit out of people,” I accused sarcastically. I knew he wouldn’t admit to anything but it felt better making the accusation. I didn’t like being surprised.
“I’ll make sure I drag my feet like a sloth next time,” he offered mockingly. “Car trouble?”
“I think my engine overheated. The engine light came on but before I could head home steam started coming out, so I just pulled over.”
“I can look at it for you?” he offered.
“I just need help getting the hood latch unhooked. My fingers are too short.” I rubbed my hand unconsciously, remembering the burning feeling caused by the steam.
Edward reached out and took my hand to inspect it, turning it over so he could see it from all sides. “It looks like the steam burned you,” he noted thoughtfully. “Are you okay?”
I pulled my hand back from his hold. “I’m fine,” I insisted, blushing and feeling embarrassed. “It’s nothing.”
He pulled my hand back to him. “It’s not nothing. My father’s a doctor. I know burns when I see them.” I watched him as he studied the red blotches on my fingers, being extra careful whenever he moved my hand.
“I’m fine,” I confirmed a second time. “Can you just open the latch please?”
He took one more quick look at my hand before dropping it and opening the latch for me. He just jammed his hand under the hood amidst all the steam and popped the latch like nothing, making me feel impossibly more useless and stupid. I stepped towards the rad, pulling the sleeve of my coat over my hand to protect it, and twisted the cap off. Edward pulled my hand back in a split second but was too late to stop me.
“Isabella Swan do you have a death wish?” he yelled. “That’s so incredibly dangerous. I told you I’d handle it.”
“And I told you I don’t need you to handle it. I’m perfectly capable of removing my rad cap.” I didn’t mean to yell back at him but I didn’t appreciate his tone or insinuation.
“You’ve proven that by way of first degree burns! You don’t need to keep hurting yourself to demonstrate your capabilities.”
“Then what were you insinuating by saying you’d handle it?” I charged angrily.
“I was trying to be a gentleman Bella. Relax. I wasn’t insinuating anything, and certainly not that you weren’t capable or that I was more capable. My sister is a real car enthusiast…we all are really, and I just figured I might be of some service to you. Besides, you’re supposed to let the pressure vent before you remove the cap. You could have burned yourself even worse.”
“Alice likes cars?” I wondered.
“No, not Alice, my other sister Rosalie likes them.”
“Blondie likes cars?” I asked, shocked. Edward laughed.
“Yes,” he assured me. “She boosted my Volvo for me last year.”
“She really doesn’t seem the type,” I mused. Long blond hair to her waist, perfectly curled and styled, long painted fingernails, designer shoes - it all screamed car enthusiast.
“You can’t always judge a book by its cover,” he mumbled quietly.
“True…hey, aren’t you supposed to be camping?”
“The bad weather brought us home early.”
“And you just happened to be wandering this way and ran across me?” I wondered.
“No,” he murmured. He shuffled his foot against the gravel and shifted his eyes away from my face. “I was going to the clearing.”
Why would he be going to the clearing? “Why?”
“I drove by your house and you weren’t there. It’s the only other place I knew of to look for you.”
“You were looking for me?” Why on Earth would he be looking for me?
“I wanted to talk to you.” I guess he couldn’t wait to talk about my stupidity either.
“Oh.” I was such a linguist.
“You left so quickly yesterday.”
“Yeah, well…you know.” I shrugged, feigning indifference. I was resolved not to let him see my feelings and provide him with further ammunition.
“It’s going to take your truck a bit to cool down. Why don’t we go wait in my car where it’s warm and dry?”
“I don’t mind the rain,” I said matter-of-factly. “Besides, I can just wait in my truck.” That had to be better than sitting in the stupid shiny Volvo feeling like a lovesick loser.
“True,” he allowed, “but I’ve got heat and an engine that actually works,” he teased.
Damn it! I hadn’t thought of the whole lack of heat thing. I couldn’t argue with his logic, as much as I fucking wanted to. “You have a very strong need to be right, don’t you?” I asked sincerely.
He moved with me as I walked towards his car, leaning forward to open the passenger side door for me. I nodded at him and got in. The car smelled like a mixture of leather and Edward’s scent. It was heavenly and delicious. He could bottle his scent and sell it and make millions from it. I’d buy it in bucketfuls. Edward walked around to the driver’s seat and got in, rubbing his hands together to warm them and then flipped a dial on the dash to adjust the temperature and fan for us. I had to admit the warmth from the heater felt good.
“And to answer your question, no I don’t have a need to be right. I just am,” he smirked, looking through the windshield off into the distance. The car was quiet for a moment and I studied his profile while I waited for him to continue. His voice was quiet and thoughtful when he spoke again. “Why did you get so angry when I took your wrist yesterday?”
“I don’t like it when people touch me.” Not normally anyway.
“So when I grabbed your wrist it bothered you?”
“Yes.”
His face crumpled in confusion as he tried to understand my logic. “But you let me kiss you?”
“I shouldn’t have.”
“Why?” I watched him closely trying to figure out what he was getting at. I guess he just expected to be able to kiss random women whenever he felt like it.
“No reason really...I mean it was harmless enough. I just don’t want you to get the wrong fucking impression or anything.” I was back-pedalling, trying to camouflage my own impetuous moronic behaviour to avoid having my feelings exposed, downplaying the entire interaction as if it were a casual thing that meant nothing.
“And what impression would that be?” The impression that makes you realize I’m hopelessly stupidly in love with you. The impression would be right on the money but so fucking wrong for me if you realized it.
“I dunno.” What I mean is I know but there’s no fucking way I’m going to admit it to you.
“I don’t normally behave like this,” he offered. His tone was almost alarmed. Why did he want me to know that? Was he trying to blame me for all of it?
“Okay.”
“Do you?”
I didn’t want to answer his question. It felt like I would be giving too much away. “I dunno.”
“Is it really that you don’t know, or that you don’t want to say?”
Why did he always ask the exact question I didn’t want to answer? I’m sure that shock from his question registered on my face. He may as well have been reading my mind. “I dunno.”
He laughed lightly. “Do you care to figure it out?”
“Not so much.” Nope, I’m good there, thanks.
“Not a big thinker?” he teased, smirking sideways at me. God that smile was hard to resist.
“I dunno.” He turned to look at me now, and full on, his face was mesmerizing. It was hard to think let alone speak when I looked at him.
“You do you have a brain, don’t you Bella?”
“Yes,” I barked defensively, rolling my eyes at his insinuation.
“So you can say something besides ‘I dunno,’” he smirked. Before my eyes the smirk transformed and Edward unleashed the full force of his crooked grin on me. I forgot to breathe for a moment. God he was fucking beautiful.
“Shut up!” I smiled. “You know damn well that I can say a whole lot of fucking words.” Somehow he always knew the right insult to hurl that would make me say more than I really wanted to say, that would make me feel relaxed with him and make me open up. We had the strangest dynamic he and I, either annoying the shit out of one another or working ourselves up into a fit of sexual tension that was only relieved by a rousing round of tonsil hockey in the nearest dark corner.
“Bella, would you like to go out with me some time?” That glorious smile of his had not disappeared and he was staring at me quite intensely.
“No,” I blurted too fast. He looked surprised by my answer. “I mean, I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
“And why would that be?” he asked, resting his chin in his palm and continuing his all-consuming gaze. I began to wonder if he was going to say anything to me at all today that wasn’t just a redistribution of my own thoughts. He seemed to be working overtime trying to get me to admit things while saying nothing about his own thoughts on any subject. Just his tone and inflection were enough to make my stomach twist. He was sexy and alluring without even trying, and his intensity was irresistible and hypnotic. How did he do that?
“You and I bring out the worst in each other.” It was a goddamn fact, one that even he couldn’t invalidate.
“What if I promise to be on my best behaviour?” He was trying really friggen hard to look sweet and innocent and doing a damn fine job if I was being honest. He had the whole dazzling thing down pat with the innocent glances through his long thick lashes, twinkling eyes and perfectly clear tone in his smooth sexy voice.
“I really don’t think it’s a good idea.”
“We could go see a movie in Port Angeles maybe, or dinner?”
Was he not hearing me? I was saying no. I’m saying no Edward. I had to find a way to get him to hear me. “Look Edward, I think you have the wrong idea about me. You don’t have to take me out or anything. I’m not like that.”
He looked very confused at my words. “I don’t understand what you mean Bella.”
He was going to make me say it the bastard! I stared down into my lap and concentrated on my folded hands while I spoke. I couldn’t look him in the face. “You don’t owe me anything. I’m not so stupid that I think I mean something to you. The kiss…kisses…well they were nothing. Flirting gone a wry. It was meaningless. I know that.”
“Meaningless?” The tone of his voice threw me and I looked up at him. He looked…angry. Why would he be angry when I was telling him exactly what he wanted to hear, that I got that he wasn’t in to me and was assuring him that I wasn’t expecting anything?
“Yeah, and I mean…well it’s fine. We don’t need to go making a fucking federal case of it or anything. It is what it is.”
“It is what it is?” More anger. It was contained, shrouded in the reserved mask he always wore but seeping out from tiny cracks in his normally controlled tone.
“Yeah,” I nodded. I thought I was making myself pretty clear so his reaction made zero sense to me.
“And what is it, exactly, for argument’s sake?” He tried to make his question sound like a joke but it wasn’t. It was nothing but forced wit to disguise his disdain for whatever was bothering him. I wondered if he knew I could see through it all.
“Just a kiss.”
“Just a kiss?” He didn’t even try to hide the disgust in his tone. He was seriously offended. I guess he didn’t like hearing that he wasn’t all that.
“Why do you keep repeating what I’m saying?” It was really fucking annoying.
“Because you make no sense to me at all,” he snapped, shaking his head.
“And repeating my words helps you figure me out?” I razzed.
“No,” he admitted quietly, staring out the window again. “I’m hoping you’ll clarify your thoughts.”
Clarify my thoughts? I was being pretty fucking clear. “Are you saying it wasn’t just a kiss?”
“I’m saying that I wish I knew how you felt.” His sounded almost sad and it threw me again. I still had no intention of admitting anything to him though.
“Well I don’t know how you feel either,” I lied. He didn’t need to tell me because he made it pretty fucking obvious that I meant nothing to him in every word he uttered to me.
“Did you want to tell me how you feel?” he wondered offhandedly.
No of course I don’t want to fucking tell you how I feel moron. “Did you want to tell me how you feel?” Avoid, avoid, avoid.
“Now you’re repeating my words,” he noted with a laugh.
I didn’t understand where his angst had come from. As usual things were out of control between the two of us and I couldn’t risk getting more caught up in his emotions. I was already was too caught up as it was.
“I don’t need this to get any more complicated Edward.”
“Complicated,” he murmured with a nod of his head. His eyes shut for a moment. The low tone in his voice was calling to me in such an erotic way, so powerfully that I wasn’t even trying to fight it. He really didn’t even have to try to be attractive. Sexy just seeped from his pores. “If I kissed you again would you let me?”
“Probably not.” I wanted to think that’s what I would do. It’s what I should do. It’s what I wanted to want to do.
“That’s not a no.” Gee thanks Captain Obvious.
“Okay, no.” You asked for it.
He huffed, frustrated and then his grin returned to his lips as he turned his eyes back on mine. There was a calm and cool assuredness to his tone that had been gone from his voice until now. “So you don’t want to go on a date with me, and you don’t want to tell me how you feel, and you don’t want me to kiss you?” His eyes held me prisoner, burning with an intensity that only someone like Edward could maintain. He was fucking breathtaking.
“That’s…well…pretty much yes.” I was completely incoherent and I felt foolish. The words just would not come.
“Pretty much?”
Again with the repeating? If nothing else Edward was very good at irritating me. “What do you want from me Edward?” I charged.
“A little truth…” he said simply.
For some unexplainable reason I wanted to give him some bit of truth, to not have to put on a mask and pretend, to not have to hide every bit of me. I wanted him to see a piece of the brokenness that was Bella Swan. “I’ll give you one bit,” I agreed. “If you give me one.”
“Of course.”
“Okay, what?” I braced myself, hoping for an easy question and knowing at the same time that it would be anything but.
“Do you like kissing me?”
I rolled my eyes. Was he an idiot too? Who wouldn’t like kissing him? He was fucking gorgeous and very gifted in the art of osculation.
“You said you’d give me the truth,” he complained softly.
“I thought you’d ask an easy question,” I admitted, blushing lightly.
“It seems easy enough to me.”
Edward the smug bastard had reappeared. Of course it was an easy question for him because he was admitting nothing. I was more or less admitting my feelings. If I admitted I liked kissing him, wasn’t that just telling him what he should have already figured out if he had half a brain? “Fine, then you answer it,” I suggested in a sarcastic tone, trying to avoid the question all together.
“I know my answer. I want yours.”
There was no way I was going to get out of this situation without full disclosure since I’d already agreed to answer his question. I dropped my eyes to the ground. I couldn’t look at him. “Yes.”
“Yes that I want your answer or yes is your answer?”
“Yes I like kissing you,” I whispered.
He shifted his body closer to me, turning to face me. I didn’t look up. “But you don’t want to kiss me again?” Even though his voice was soft when he spoke I recognized a hint of dread in his tone that didn’t match the words he spoke.
“It’s complicated…me and you…it’s just complicated.” And it was. It was complicated in ways that he couldn’t possibly fathom or understand. I couldn’t change it and I couldn’t fight against it. I had already accepted my own stupidity and the impossibility of my wishes.
“I like kissing you too.” My eyes shot up to his in shock and my heart skipped a beat. I was stunned by his admission. “I like you Bella. I know it may not seem like that sometimes…and we didn’t get off on the right foot when we met…but I do like you.”
My eyes searched his silently. I don’t know what the fuck I was looking for, but I looked anyway.
“Did you want to ask me a question?” he wondered softly.
I shook my head.
“I’ll answer,” he promised.
There was only one question I could think of that I wanted an answer to. “Are you being honest?”
“As honest as I’m capable of.”
Did he really think his averted justification was what I wanted to hear? “That’s not really an answer.”
“I’m not trying to deceive you Bella,” he assured me sincerely. “You have my word on that. Perhaps if you could be more specific about your question is in regards to?”
“About what you said…about kissing me.” I wasn’t ready to repeat his words back to him. They felt wrong in my mouth, awkward and uncomfortable, like I was spreading a lie.
“I wouldn’t lie about something like that.”
There was no doubt in his words but still I couldn’t believe him. “Why not? I mean if you’d lie about some things why not lie about that?”
“Because that would hurt you,” he said decidedly.
“So?”
“Why would I want to hurt you Bella?” He seemed half amused and half horrified by my unwillingness to believe him.
“Why not? For fun? To watch me burn? Any number of reasons really.” Hadn’t the groundwork for our whole relationship been laid on hurting one another?
“I know in the past I may have acted inappropriately but I don’t want to hurt you Bella, quite the contrary actually.”
“Well what do you want then?” I was so lost in his half-truths that I had no idea what he was after at this point.
“To take you out on a date, to get to know you better…to kiss you again.”
I swallowed hard. His answer made me feel off-centered and shocked, so much so that my brain shut down. “Why?” I asked in utter disbelief.
“Because I like you.”
His words burned my ears. They couldn’t be true…they just couldn’t. “Why me? I’m nothing special. I…” He cut me off.
“You’re beautiful,” he whispered. “And beauty is in the eye of the beholder so don’t try and argue it with me.”
“So what?” I shrugged indifferently, pretending to understand his declaration and at the same time knowing that he was wrong. “There are lots of pretty girls at school.”
“It’s not an easy thing to explain Bella. I just know how I feel.”
I fought the urge to cover my ears, trying to protect myself and hold on to what I knew was real, while trying to understand where Edward was coming from. The unexpected intensity of the conversation was making me uncomfortable and I pushed back at it furtively. “It just doesn’t hold water with me.”
“Is it so hard to believe that I could be interested in you?” I almost laughed in his face, so absolutely fucking sure of himself that he felt his words were irrefutable.
“Yes.” Honesty at it’s fucking finest. No Edward, it’s impossible to think you could be interested in me.
“Well I am,” he insisted, shifting towards me slightly. “So won’t you go out with me?” he murmured in a soft persuasive tone that made my toes curl.
“No.”
“Why?”
“Because.”
“Because why?”
What were we three year olds now? This had to be more about his ego than about taking me out. There was no other logical reason for him to be pressing me for a date. “You’ve never had a woman tell you no before have you?”
“That’s beside the point.” He was all smug superiority now. I wasn’t having it.
“Seriously though, have you?” I prodded.
“No,” he admitted with a smirk. “But I’ve never asked a woman out before.”
“Okay, girl, teenager, whatever.” Don’t split hairs buddy.
“No, I mean I’ve never asked anyone else out…just you.” A wide smile spread across his face.
“Huh?” That seemed totally fucking impossible. He just continued to stare at me with that sexy crooked grin of his. “No one?” I asked incredulously.
“You’re the first…the first to be asked and the first to say no to me,” he quipped. “So change your mind and say yes.”
I could actually feel the stupid motherfucker in me taking over. “Okay.” Did I just say that out loud?
He smiled appreciatively at me. “Friday?”
“Sure,” I agreed, stopping short at that one word so my voice didn’t betray the hurtling fear that was taking over and making me feel sick to my stomach.
“Should we go check your truck?”
“Sure.” I could use the fresh air to help knock me to my senses.
“Why don’t you try and start it?” he suggested.
I agreed and got behind the wheel, leaving the door open so I could hear him. “Ready?” I called.
“Ready,” he assured me.
I turned the key but the engine didn’t react. “The engine light is still on,” I yelled. “I’m trying to start it but the engine is just not turning over.” Edward appeared at my door out of nowhere and I jumped. “I thought we talked about not scaring the shit out of me?”
“Sorry,” he laughed. “I’m pretty sure the rad’s not cool enough yet. Why don’t you let me take you home and I’ll go get Rosalie and she can take a look at it?”
“I don’t want to leave my truck out here. I can just have Charlie help me with it.”
“He fixes cars?”
“Not exactly, but this isn’t really your problem Edward. I can handle it.”
He quirked an eyebrow at me. “I know you can Bella. I’m sure Rosalie won’t mind helping and that way we can get it fixed and have it waiting for you in your driveway later today.”
“I don’t want to owe her too,” I mumbled.
“You don’t owe me anything and I’m betting Rosalie would actually like to take a look at your ancient truck.”
“Wait Edward. You’re not going to find parts tonight, not for a truck this age.”
“Ok,” he hesitated, thinking it through. “I’ll take you home then, and I’ll pick you up for school in the morning and by tomorrow afternoon we’ll have it fixed up as good as new.”
“No…no you don’t have to do that. I’m perfectly capable of getting myself to school tomorrow. You’re doing enough.”
“I insist.”
“Edward,” I complained.
“What?” he shrugged. “There could be a torrential down pour tomorrow. I’d feel better if you let me take you to school.”
“Ok, fine,” I agreed curtly, finding it impossible to hide my dislike of the entire situation. I didn’t have the money to take the truck to a mechanic and Edward’s sister was the closest thing I had to a friend in the business. I knew Charlie was working late so he wouldn’t be able to help me getting it running today, and I really truly did not want to walk the two miles to school first thing in the morning. I was out of options.
“You could try and be a little bit happy about it,” Edward teased.
“I don’t like owing people.”
“I told you that you don’t owe me anything and if Rosalie expects something I’ll take care of it. Now stop worrying about it and lets get you home and out of the rain.”
“Fine.” I slammed the truck door and crossed my arms in a huff.
He chuckled under his breath at my immature behaviour. “Most people would be happy for the help Bella.”
“Well I’m not most people.”
“True. You are not like most people.”
We drove to my house in silence. I could feel him look at me every now and again and I peeked at him once or twice but I was too annoyed to think of nonchalant chitchat. Edward was unusually silent, seeming almost uncomfortable while he drove. I bet he was regretting asking me out.
He pulled up to the curb at my house and turned the car off. The atmosphere in the car was strained, either by my mood or by whatever seemed to be bothering Edward. I felt awkward and obvious and uncomfortable. I’m sure he could sense it.
“I’ll pick you up in the morning, okay?” Like I had a choice.
“Yep.”
He reached for my hand again, pulling it forward and examining it again. “You really should let me take you to have your hand looked at.”
“I don’t even feel it,” I informed him brusquely.
“Still,” he murmured in his hushed sexy voice that turned my insides into jello. He bent forward and planted a soft kiss on my fingers, still holding my hand in his. “Will you be okay?” he wondered.
“I’ll see you tomorrow Edward.” I waited for him to release my hand. He seemed reluctant to let me go, raising his eyes to meet mine and staring intensely at me.
“Tomorrow,” he agreed in a quiet almost melancholy tone. He gave my hand a soothing squeeze and then let it drop.
I watched him drive away before I went inside. What the hell had I just gotten myself into?
A/N: Again I'd like to petition for reviews. Please? Pretty please? With a cherry on top? You know you want to ;o)
Chapter 17: Questions (Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count: 7,002
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: An angry young woman is forced to move to the town of Forks, Washington and decides that alone is the best way to be. She buries her heart and puts on a tough façade that very few people are able to break through. Can the love of a teenage vampire get through to the lost girl inside? AU (alternative universe) and OOC (out of character). Bella is uber OOC. Edward, not so much.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
17. Metamorphosis
A/N: Twilight, Edward, Bella, Alice, Charlie, Emmett, Jessica, Lauren, Angela, Carlisle, Esme and every other character made reference to and then some is owned by Stephenie Meyers, not that you didn’t know that, but I still feel compelled to say it every chapter regardless.
This shall be a good week for updates if you’re in the mood to read. And thank you again for the reviews. I am so appreciative of you guys taking the time. Not that I wouldn’t like to encourage a few more of you to comment. I’m all for it. Feedback is like oxygen to me.
From Bella’s POV…
I’d either died and gone to heaven or lost my mind completely and both options were equally and entirely fucking scary to me. Did that really just happen? Did Edward Cullen just pull me into the supply closet, push me up against a wall and kiss me fucking senseless. If I had only dreamed it then did I really want to wreck it by over-thinking it? It was so surreal that I was having trouble processing it. I could still taste him on my tongue and feel the tingle he left on my skin where he touched me and smell his unique amazing scent on my jacket, proof positive that it did indeed fucking happen. I knew that. What I didn’t know was why it happened or what his game was.
When he grabbed me by the wrist and pulled me into the supply room I was ready to kick him in the balls. I didn’t like being caught off guard or being grabbed by him. Well, that wasn’t exactly a true statement. I don’t like being grabbed by anyone and as soon as I felt his fingers close around my wrist my body just naturally prepared for the fight. My heart thudded and my fists clenched and adrenaline raced through my veins. I immediately started pulling my wrist back towards my body, trying to get it out of his grasp, until he pulled me through the door and I saw his face, and then my line no longer mattered because it was Edward. My instincts told me he would not hurt me even if he did grab me. He didn’t know my lines and I’d certainly not been following those lines with him earlier in the day.
I tried to relax and let my irritation go but couldn’t, and I realized I was angry. I didn’t know what he was expecting from me, and as I tried to figure it out I became even angrier, not just at him but at myself. He shouldn’t have grabbed me but I shouldn’t have encouraged his expectations with my idiotic behaviour. Who did I think I was kissing him in the hallway? I was nothing more than a horny slut trying to play games with someone who was completely out of my league, someone who not only didn’t give a shit about me, but who was using me as much as I was using him. I wanted so fucking badly to believe my own words, to believe that I was using him the same way he was using me, but the thought was only half true. He was using me, but I could not equate using him with my feelings for him. I wanted him, as idiotic as it was.
I had to give the motherfucker credit. He knew exactly what he wanted. Every step I took to back away from him he matched, and not in an aggressive or threatening way, just pure confidence and determination, a force to be reckoned with and respected really. I was envious of his insight, to know what he wanted so clearly and to be completely unafraid to go after it, even if it was something so simple like fucking around with a girl. And that’s all it was. Edward Cullen was horny and I was a convenient pair of tits and no amount of rationalizing or dreaming would make it anything else.
It wasn’t hard to pretend he wanted me or that he cared. The way he cupped my face and held it so tenderly and gently between his palms, the way he stroked my cheek with his thumb like I was a prize worthy of his affection, the way he kissed me so softly over every inch of my face like he knew my soul needed saving. The boy had some serious fucking skills. No, pretending that he wanted me was easy, like breathing, I just had to close my eyes and let him touch me. And I did because I was an idiot, not for letting him corner me or kiss me, but for doing such a good job pretending that it felt real. I just disengaged and forgot who I was and forgot who he was and let it happen. Pretending was definitely the easy part. Coming back down to Earth was the hard part. That’s why I cut it off before he could pull back from me and remind me that it was all pretend and that I meant nothing to him, so I could stop it before he could reject me and break me a little more right before his eyes. That’s why I sat on my bed holding my knees to my chest and rocking back and forth while I cried, because more than anything I wanted it to be true and it just fucking wasn’t.
Charlie checked on me at least three times that night. I hadn’t cried like that since I first arrived and I knew he was worried I was relapsing into the grief over losing my mom. I probably should have admitted to him that I was being a pussy over a boy so he could relax but it seemed so entirely pathetic to say it out loud that I couldn’t find the strength to do it. I couldn’t find the strength to do much of anything that night except for crying and eventually I exhausted myself enough to sleep.
I was a ticking time bomb walking around the campus the next day - too little sleep and too much angst does not a happy Bella make. I was disgusted with myself for allowing myself to fall apart and be such a girl. It made me no better than sluts like Jessica Stanley and Lauren Mallory, who threw themselves at any halfway decent looking boy, trading sex for popularity. I wasn’t looking for popularity but it still felt like I was selling my soul. It was just easier to be angry at my reaction to the impossibility of it all rather than be angry with myself for letting the kiss happen. Considering my feelings for the asshole it would have been pretty fucking hard to resist him so I wasn’t going to guilt trip myself over it. I did need to reel it in though. I couldn’t keep playing games, as pleasurable and erotic as they were, or I was going to land up psychotic. Fuck, maybe I was already there, lost in the delusion that Edward Cullen had feelings for me and hallucinating random make-out encounters. The saddest part about the idea was that I wished it were true. Psychosis was a fucking cakewalk compared to reality.
Each class seemed more irritating than the last and my irritation made concentration almost impossible. I just sat and stewed and worked myself up to the point of frenzy. In fourth period I acknowledged that the approaching lunch hour and subsequent biology class were inescapable and resigned myself into numb acceptance. I couldn’t avoid it. I couldn’t change it and I had to accept my responsibility in it all because all along I knew I should have stopped it. Somehow I would get through it because there was no other choice, just like everything else in my fucking life.
I scanned the lines in the cafeteria looking for Alice but couldn’t find her. On the way to my table I peeked at the Cullen’s usual table hoping to catch her attention. It was curiously empty. What the fuck? I plopped down sullenly. I should have been relieved that he wasn’t at school and that I didn’t have to deal with him in biology but I wasn’t. I was pissed off. I didn’t want to delay my humiliation. I wanted to fucking get it over with.
“Mike and I were talking about heading down to the beach after school to take advantage of this fabulous weather. Is anyone else in?” Jessica wondered out loud.
“It kind of sounds like fun, Jess.” Angela’s voice was so soft it barely registered over the drone of cafeteria voices. “Did you want to come Bella?”
“Huh?” I asked, distracted.
“A bunch of kids are going to the beach after school. Did you want to tag along?”
“Ah, sure,” I mumbled before I really thought about what I’d just agreed to.
“Do you surf?” Angela wondered.
I snorted and burst out laughing. “Me? Surf? NO!” I assured her. “I don’t have a death wish.”
“Me either,” Angela agreed. “I mean the death wish…and the surfing.” She laughed lightly.
“I can barely walk without falling over my own fucking feet,” I offered, thinking about my disastrous attempt at surfing in Half Moon Bay. My mom and I were on vacation in San Francisco and someone recommended surfing to her. She signed us both up for lessons thinking it was a fantastic idea while conveniently overlooking my challenge in staying upright on solid ground. I’d never swallowed so much water in my life. I think my blood was salinated that day.
“We can watch the whales or something,” Angela offered shyly. I wondered if my swearing made her feel uncomfortable.
“Who else is going?’ I asked, trying to make her feel more at ease.
“Mike, Jessica, Eric, Tyler, Lauren, a bunch of people. We don’t see the sun very often here so everybody is excited.”
“Yeah, I noticed. Alice was so excited she didn’t even show up for school today.”
“Alice?” Angela inquired. “Alice Cullen?”
“Yeah, she’s my friend,” I mumbled.
“She’s probably camping,” Angela suggested.
“Camping?”
“Mr. and Mrs. Cullen pull all the kids out of school when the weather is nice and take them camping.”
“Seriously?” That so did not sound like Alice, or Edward for that matter. They were always so put together, clad in designer clothing and perfectly coifed. I’d never even seem them break a sweat. Bugs and twigs and sleeping on rocks didn’t really equate with the Cullen’s image.
“Yeah, they’re never around when the weather is nice.”
How fucking weird! “Lucky,” I offered feebly.
“I’ll say. It’s hard to concentrate in class when the sun is shining. It’s so distracting.”
“Yeah, distracting,” I agreed. Well at least I had an alternate excuse for my distraction. Perhaps my preoccupation with Edward wouldn’t seem quite so obvious today.
Biology was weird. I couldn’t relax, constantly checking the door for him and staring at his empty stool even though Angela had told me he was probably camping. I should have breezed through class completely unaffected because I didn’t have to worry about him making some comment or trying to occupy my attention in some manner. Instead, in his absence, class dragged on in monotony and I was restless and bored. There was no relief in being able to put off our inevitable conversation about my stupidity, no shitty comments to dread about our supply closet snogging, but he was still all I thought of. I missed him and that was wrong any way you fucking looked at it. I began to look forward the bloody beach excursion just so I couldn’t go home and wallow. That is until I heard a crack of thunder, followed by multiple lightening strikes and the clamour of a downpour on the school’s roof. God damn it! The universe was friggen conspiring against me.
I decided I was going to head to the beach anyway. Even alone and soaking wet it seemed like a better alternative than going home to wallow. Maybe if I sat in my truck and watched the ocean for a while all of the answers I was seeking would magically materialize out of thin air. Or maybe, for a minute, I wouldn’t feel like such a stupid fuck.
I could sense the ocean nearing as I traveled along the road that was now becoming familiar. I was caught up in my head as I drove, anxious and unsettled. I was hoping the ocean might help to calm me. Along the way I glanced down at the dash and noticed the engine light had come on. My truck was old so it wasn’t abnormal for it to run a little hot, but it wasn’t until then that I realized the sound of the engine was wrong, loud even for my engine, like there was a drag on the motor that was causing it to work harder than normal. I debated turning around but before I even had a chance to make a decision steam started spewing out from under the hood. I decided the stupid universe really was out to get me today.
I had no cell phone to call Charlie for help so I was on my own. I pulled over to the edge of the road and yanked hard on the hood release. I didn’t know much about engines but I did know the only way I was getting the engine cooled was to let the heat out. The rain was still coming down fairly hard so I pulled up my raincoat and went out to try and get the hood open. I struggled, pushing my small fingers under the hood to try and unhitch the latch but my fingers were too short and not quite strong enough to force it open.
“Fuck!”
I tried again, trying not to get flustered by my too short fingers and the massive amounts of steam billowing around my hands. It was hot and I could feel it burning my skin as I worked blindly on the latch. It was no use. I couldn’t get it.
“FUCK!”
I slid down the front of the truck into a crouch, covering my head with my arms as the rain pelted me, feeling like the biggest fucking waste of oxygen on the planet. Of course I had to come to the ocean and of course my truck had to have problems on a road in the middle of fucking no man’s land. If I’d just gone home this never would have happened. I get it universe. I’m a moron. You don’t need to prove it to me again. I believe you.
“Bella?”
“Ahhhhh,” I screamed, completely caught off guard and leaping to my feet. “God damn it Edward! You’re going to give me a fucking heart attack!” I didn’t hear his car drive up or even the slightest scratching of his feet against the gravel. If I didn’t know better I would say he purposely snuck up on me to scare the shit out of me. I looked up at him, blinking as the raindrops peppered my face. Even with rain dripping from his hair and face he was still completely gorgeous.
“Sorry,” he smiled. “I can’t help it if you’re extremely unobservant.”
“No, I’m sure you can’t help being as silent as a mouse while attempting to not scare the shit out of people,” I accused sarcastically. I knew he wouldn’t admit to anything but it felt better making the accusation. I didn’t like being surprised.
“I’ll make sure I drag my feet like a sloth next time,” he offered mockingly. “Car trouble?”
“I think my engine overheated. The engine light came on but before I could head home steam started coming out, so I just pulled over.”
“I can look at it for you?” he offered.
“I just need help getting the hood latch unhooked. My fingers are too short.” I rubbed my hand unconsciously, remembering the burning feeling caused by the steam.
Edward reached out and took my hand to inspect it, turning it over so he could see it from all sides. “It looks like the steam burned you,” he noted thoughtfully. “Are you okay?”
I pulled my hand back from his hold. “I’m fine,” I insisted, blushing and feeling embarrassed. “It’s nothing.”
He pulled my hand back to him. “It’s not nothing. My father’s a doctor. I know burns when I see them.” I watched him as he studied the red blotches on my fingers, being extra careful whenever he moved my hand.
“I’m fine,” I confirmed a second time. “Can you just open the latch please?”
He took one more quick look at my hand before dropping it and opening the latch for me. He just jammed his hand under the hood amidst all the steam and popped the latch like nothing, making me feel impossibly more useless and stupid. I stepped towards the rad, pulling the sleeve of my coat over my hand to protect it, and twisted the cap off. Edward pulled my hand back in a split second but was too late to stop me.
“Isabella Swan do you have a death wish?” he yelled. “That’s so incredibly dangerous. I told you I’d handle it.”
“And I told you I don’t need you to handle it. I’m perfectly capable of removing my rad cap.” I didn’t mean to yell back at him but I didn’t appreciate his tone or insinuation.
“You’ve proven that by way of first degree burns! You don’t need to keep hurting yourself to demonstrate your capabilities.”
“Then what were you insinuating by saying you’d handle it?” I charged angrily.
“I was trying to be a gentleman Bella. Relax. I wasn’t insinuating anything, and certainly not that you weren’t capable or that I was more capable. My sister is a real car enthusiast…we all are really, and I just figured I might be of some service to you. Besides, you’re supposed to let the pressure vent before you remove the cap. You could have burned yourself even worse.”
“Alice likes cars?” I wondered.
“No, not Alice, my other sister Rosalie likes them.”
“Blondie likes cars?” I asked, shocked. Edward laughed.
“Yes,” he assured me. “She boosted my Volvo for me last year.”
“She really doesn’t seem the type,” I mused. Long blond hair to her waist, perfectly curled and styled, long painted fingernails, designer shoes - it all screamed car enthusiast.
“You can’t always judge a book by its cover,” he mumbled quietly.
“True…hey, aren’t you supposed to be camping?”
“The bad weather brought us home early.”
“And you just happened to be wandering this way and ran across me?” I wondered.
“No,” he murmured. He shuffled his foot against the gravel and shifted his eyes away from my face. “I was going to the clearing.”
Why would he be going to the clearing? “Why?”
“I drove by your house and you weren’t there. It’s the only other place I knew of to look for you.”
“You were looking for me?” Why on Earth would he be looking for me?
“I wanted to talk to you.” I guess he couldn’t wait to talk about my stupidity either.
“Oh.” I was such a linguist.
“You left so quickly yesterday.”
“Yeah, well…you know.” I shrugged, feigning indifference. I was resolved not to let him see my feelings and provide him with further ammunition.
“It’s going to take your truck a bit to cool down. Why don’t we go wait in my car where it’s warm and dry?”
“I don’t mind the rain,” I said matter-of-factly. “Besides, I can just wait in my truck.” That had to be better than sitting in the stupid shiny Volvo feeling like a lovesick loser.
“True,” he allowed, “but I’ve got heat and an engine that actually works,” he teased.
Damn it! I hadn’t thought of the whole lack of heat thing. I couldn’t argue with his logic, as much as I fucking wanted to. “You have a very strong need to be right, don’t you?” I asked sincerely.
He moved with me as I walked towards his car, leaning forward to open the passenger side door for me. I nodded at him and got in. The car smelled like a mixture of leather and Edward’s scent. It was heavenly and delicious. He could bottle his scent and sell it and make millions from it. I’d buy it in bucketfuls. Edward walked around to the driver’s seat and got in, rubbing his hands together to warm them and then flipped a dial on the dash to adjust the temperature and fan for us. I had to admit the warmth from the heater felt good.
“And to answer your question, no I don’t have a need to be right. I just am,” he smirked, looking through the windshield off into the distance. The car was quiet for a moment and I studied his profile while I waited for him to continue. His voice was quiet and thoughtful when he spoke again. “Why did you get so angry when I took your wrist yesterday?”
“I don’t like it when people touch me.” Not normally anyway.
“So when I grabbed your wrist it bothered you?”
“Yes.”
His face crumpled in confusion as he tried to understand my logic. “But you let me kiss you?”
“I shouldn’t have.”
“Why?” I watched him closely trying to figure out what he was getting at. I guess he just expected to be able to kiss random women whenever he felt like it.
“No reason really...I mean it was harmless enough. I just don’t want you to get the wrong fucking impression or anything.” I was back-pedalling, trying to camouflage my own impetuous moronic behaviour to avoid having my feelings exposed, downplaying the entire interaction as if it were a casual thing that meant nothing.
“And what impression would that be?” The impression that makes you realize I’m hopelessly stupidly in love with you. The impression would be right on the money but so fucking wrong for me if you realized it.
“I dunno.” What I mean is I know but there’s no fucking way I’m going to admit it to you.
“I don’t normally behave like this,” he offered. His tone was almost alarmed. Why did he want me to know that? Was he trying to blame me for all of it?
“Okay.”
“Do you?”
I didn’t want to answer his question. It felt like I would be giving too much away. “I dunno.”
“Is it really that you don’t know, or that you don’t want to say?”
Why did he always ask the exact question I didn’t want to answer? I’m sure that shock from his question registered on my face. He may as well have been reading my mind. “I dunno.”
He laughed lightly. “Do you care to figure it out?”
“Not so much.” Nope, I’m good there, thanks.
“Not a big thinker?” he teased, smirking sideways at me. God that smile was hard to resist.
“I dunno.” He turned to look at me now, and full on, his face was mesmerizing. It was hard to think let alone speak when I looked at him.
“You do you have a brain, don’t you Bella?”
“Yes,” I barked defensively, rolling my eyes at his insinuation.
“So you can say something besides ‘I dunno,’” he smirked. Before my eyes the smirk transformed and Edward unleashed the full force of his crooked grin on me. I forgot to breathe for a moment. God he was fucking beautiful.
“Shut up!” I smiled. “You know damn well that I can say a whole lot of fucking words.” Somehow he always knew the right insult to hurl that would make me say more than I really wanted to say, that would make me feel relaxed with him and make me open up. We had the strangest dynamic he and I, either annoying the shit out of one another or working ourselves up into a fit of sexual tension that was only relieved by a rousing round of tonsil hockey in the nearest dark corner.
“Bella, would you like to go out with me some time?” That glorious smile of his had not disappeared and he was staring at me quite intensely.
“No,” I blurted too fast. He looked surprised by my answer. “I mean, I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
“And why would that be?” he asked, resting his chin in his palm and continuing his all-consuming gaze. I began to wonder if he was going to say anything to me at all today that wasn’t just a redistribution of my own thoughts. He seemed to be working overtime trying to get me to admit things while saying nothing about his own thoughts on any subject. Just his tone and inflection were enough to make my stomach twist. He was sexy and alluring without even trying, and his intensity was irresistible and hypnotic. How did he do that?
“You and I bring out the worst in each other.” It was a goddamn fact, one that even he couldn’t invalidate.
“What if I promise to be on my best behaviour?” He was trying really friggen hard to look sweet and innocent and doing a damn fine job if I was being honest. He had the whole dazzling thing down pat with the innocent glances through his long thick lashes, twinkling eyes and perfectly clear tone in his smooth sexy voice.
“I really don’t think it’s a good idea.”
“We could go see a movie in Port Angeles maybe, or dinner?”
Was he not hearing me? I was saying no. I’m saying no Edward. I had to find a way to get him to hear me. “Look Edward, I think you have the wrong idea about me. You don’t have to take me out or anything. I’m not like that.”
He looked very confused at my words. “I don’t understand what you mean Bella.”
He was going to make me say it the bastard! I stared down into my lap and concentrated on my folded hands while I spoke. I couldn’t look him in the face. “You don’t owe me anything. I’m not so stupid that I think I mean something to you. The kiss…kisses…well they were nothing. Flirting gone a wry. It was meaningless. I know that.”
“Meaningless?” The tone of his voice threw me and I looked up at him. He looked…angry. Why would he be angry when I was telling him exactly what he wanted to hear, that I got that he wasn’t in to me and was assuring him that I wasn’t expecting anything?
“Yeah, and I mean…well it’s fine. We don’t need to go making a fucking federal case of it or anything. It is what it is.”
“It is what it is?” More anger. It was contained, shrouded in the reserved mask he always wore but seeping out from tiny cracks in his normally controlled tone.
“Yeah,” I nodded. I thought I was making myself pretty clear so his reaction made zero sense to me.
“And what is it, exactly, for argument’s sake?” He tried to make his question sound like a joke but it wasn’t. It was nothing but forced wit to disguise his disdain for whatever was bothering him. I wondered if he knew I could see through it all.
“Just a kiss.”
“Just a kiss?” He didn’t even try to hide the disgust in his tone. He was seriously offended. I guess he didn’t like hearing that he wasn’t all that.
“Why do you keep repeating what I’m saying?” It was really fucking annoying.
“Because you make no sense to me at all,” he snapped, shaking his head.
“And repeating my words helps you figure me out?” I razzed.
“No,” he admitted quietly, staring out the window again. “I’m hoping you’ll clarify your thoughts.”
Clarify my thoughts? I was being pretty fucking clear. “Are you saying it wasn’t just a kiss?”
“I’m saying that I wish I knew how you felt.” His sounded almost sad and it threw me again. I still had no intention of admitting anything to him though.
“Well I don’t know how you feel either,” I lied. He didn’t need to tell me because he made it pretty fucking obvious that I meant nothing to him in every word he uttered to me.
“Did you want to tell me how you feel?” he wondered offhandedly.
No of course I don’t want to fucking tell you how I feel moron. “Did you want to tell me how you feel?” Avoid, avoid, avoid.
“Now you’re repeating my words,” he noted with a laugh.
I didn’t understand where his angst had come from. As usual things were out of control between the two of us and I couldn’t risk getting more caught up in his emotions. I was already was too caught up as it was.
“I don’t need this to get any more complicated Edward.”
“Complicated,” he murmured with a nod of his head. His eyes shut for a moment. The low tone in his voice was calling to me in such an erotic way, so powerfully that I wasn’t even trying to fight it. He really didn’t even have to try to be attractive. Sexy just seeped from his pores. “If I kissed you again would you let me?”
“Probably not.” I wanted to think that’s what I would do. It’s what I should do. It’s what I wanted to want to do.
“That’s not a no.” Gee thanks Captain Obvious.
“Okay, no.” You asked for it.
He huffed, frustrated and then his grin returned to his lips as he turned his eyes back on mine. There was a calm and cool assuredness to his tone that had been gone from his voice until now. “So you don’t want to go on a date with me, and you don’t want to tell me how you feel, and you don’t want me to kiss you?” His eyes held me prisoner, burning with an intensity that only someone like Edward could maintain. He was fucking breathtaking.
“That’s…well…pretty much yes.” I was completely incoherent and I felt foolish. The words just would not come.
“Pretty much?”
Again with the repeating? If nothing else Edward was very good at irritating me. “What do you want from me Edward?” I charged.
“A little truth…” he said simply.
For some unexplainable reason I wanted to give him some bit of truth, to not have to put on a mask and pretend, to not have to hide every bit of me. I wanted him to see a piece of the brokenness that was Bella Swan. “I’ll give you one bit,” I agreed. “If you give me one.”
“Of course.”
“Okay, what?” I braced myself, hoping for an easy question and knowing at the same time that it would be anything but.
“Do you like kissing me?”
I rolled my eyes. Was he an idiot too? Who wouldn’t like kissing him? He was fucking gorgeous and very gifted in the art of osculation.
“You said you’d give me the truth,” he complained softly.
“I thought you’d ask an easy question,” I admitted, blushing lightly.
“It seems easy enough to me.”
Edward the smug bastard had reappeared. Of course it was an easy question for him because he was admitting nothing. I was more or less admitting my feelings. If I admitted I liked kissing him, wasn’t that just telling him what he should have already figured out if he had half a brain? “Fine, then you answer it,” I suggested in a sarcastic tone, trying to avoid the question all together.
“I know my answer. I want yours.”
There was no way I was going to get out of this situation without full disclosure since I’d already agreed to answer his question. I dropped my eyes to the ground. I couldn’t look at him. “Yes.”
“Yes that I want your answer or yes is your answer?”
“Yes I like kissing you,” I whispered.
He shifted his body closer to me, turning to face me. I didn’t look up. “But you don’t want to kiss me again?” Even though his voice was soft when he spoke I recognized a hint of dread in his tone that didn’t match the words he spoke.
“It’s complicated…me and you…it’s just complicated.” And it was. It was complicated in ways that he couldn’t possibly fathom or understand. I couldn’t change it and I couldn’t fight against it. I had already accepted my own stupidity and the impossibility of my wishes.
“I like kissing you too.” My eyes shot up to his in shock and my heart skipped a beat. I was stunned by his admission. “I like you Bella. I know it may not seem like that sometimes…and we didn’t get off on the right foot when we met…but I do like you.”
My eyes searched his silently. I don’t know what the fuck I was looking for, but I looked anyway.
“Did you want to ask me a question?” he wondered softly.
I shook my head.
“I’ll answer,” he promised.
There was only one question I could think of that I wanted an answer to. “Are you being honest?”
“As honest as I’m capable of.”
Did he really think his averted justification was what I wanted to hear? “That’s not really an answer.”
“I’m not trying to deceive you Bella,” he assured me sincerely. “You have my word on that. Perhaps if you could be more specific about your question is in regards to?”
“About what you said…about kissing me.” I wasn’t ready to repeat his words back to him. They felt wrong in my mouth, awkward and uncomfortable, like I was spreading a lie.
“I wouldn’t lie about something like that.”
There was no doubt in his words but still I couldn’t believe him. “Why not? I mean if you’d lie about some things why not lie about that?”
“Because that would hurt you,” he said decidedly.
“So?”
“Why would I want to hurt you Bella?” He seemed half amused and half horrified by my unwillingness to believe him.
“Why not? For fun? To watch me burn? Any number of reasons really.” Hadn’t the groundwork for our whole relationship been laid on hurting one another?
“I know in the past I may have acted inappropriately but I don’t want to hurt you Bella, quite the contrary actually.”
“Well what do you want then?” I was so lost in his half-truths that I had no idea what he was after at this point.
“To take you out on a date, to get to know you better…to kiss you again.”
I swallowed hard. His answer made me feel off-centered and shocked, so much so that my brain shut down. “Why?” I asked in utter disbelief.
“Because I like you.”
His words burned my ears. They couldn’t be true…they just couldn’t. “Why me? I’m nothing special. I…” He cut me off.
“You’re beautiful,” he whispered. “And beauty is in the eye of the beholder so don’t try and argue it with me.”
“So what?” I shrugged indifferently, pretending to understand his declaration and at the same time knowing that he was wrong. “There are lots of pretty girls at school.”
“It’s not an easy thing to explain Bella. I just know how I feel.”
I fought the urge to cover my ears, trying to protect myself and hold on to what I knew was real, while trying to understand where Edward was coming from. The unexpected intensity of the conversation was making me uncomfortable and I pushed back at it furtively. “It just doesn’t hold water with me.”
“Is it so hard to believe that I could be interested in you?” I almost laughed in his face, so absolutely fucking sure of himself that he felt his words were irrefutable.
“Yes.” Honesty at it’s fucking finest. No Edward, it’s impossible to think you could be interested in me.
“Well I am,” he insisted, shifting towards me slightly. “So won’t you go out with me?” he murmured in a soft persuasive tone that made my toes curl.
“No.”
“Why?”
“Because.”
“Because why?”
What were we three year olds now? This had to be more about his ego than about taking me out. There was no other logical reason for him to be pressing me for a date. “You’ve never had a woman tell you no before have you?”
“That’s beside the point.” He was all smug superiority now. I wasn’t having it.
“Seriously though, have you?” I prodded.
“No,” he admitted with a smirk. “But I’ve never asked a woman out before.”
“Okay, girl, teenager, whatever.” Don’t split hairs buddy.
“No, I mean I’ve never asked anyone else out…just you.” A wide smile spread across his face.
“Huh?” That seemed totally fucking impossible. He just continued to stare at me with that sexy crooked grin of his. “No one?” I asked incredulously.
“You’re the first…the first to be asked and the first to say no to me,” he quipped. “So change your mind and say yes.”
I could actually feel the stupid motherfucker in me taking over. “Okay.” Did I just say that out loud?
He smiled appreciatively at me. “Friday?”
“Sure,” I agreed, stopping short at that one word so my voice didn’t betray the hurtling fear that was taking over and making me feel sick to my stomach.
“Should we go check your truck?”
“Sure.” I could use the fresh air to help knock me to my senses.
“Why don’t you try and start it?” he suggested.
I agreed and got behind the wheel, leaving the door open so I could hear him. “Ready?” I called.
“Ready,” he assured me.
I turned the key but the engine didn’t react. “The engine light is still on,” I yelled. “I’m trying to start it but the engine is just not turning over.” Edward appeared at my door out of nowhere and I jumped. “I thought we talked about not scaring the shit out of me?”
“Sorry,” he laughed. “I’m pretty sure the rad’s not cool enough yet. Why don’t you let me take you home and I’ll go get Rosalie and she can take a look at it?”
“I don’t want to leave my truck out here. I can just have Charlie help me with it.”
“He fixes cars?”
“Not exactly, but this isn’t really your problem Edward. I can handle it.”
He quirked an eyebrow at me. “I know you can Bella. I’m sure Rosalie won’t mind helping and that way we can get it fixed and have it waiting for you in your driveway later today.”
“I don’t want to owe her too,” I mumbled.
“You don’t owe me anything and I’m betting Rosalie would actually like to take a look at your ancient truck.”
“Wait Edward. You’re not going to find parts tonight, not for a truck this age.”
“Ok,” he hesitated, thinking it through. “I’ll take you home then, and I’ll pick you up for school in the morning and by tomorrow afternoon we’ll have it fixed up as good as new.”
“No…no you don’t have to do that. I’m perfectly capable of getting myself to school tomorrow. You’re doing enough.”
“I insist.”
“Edward,” I complained.
“What?” he shrugged. “There could be a torrential down pour tomorrow. I’d feel better if you let me take you to school.”
“Ok, fine,” I agreed curtly, finding it impossible to hide my dislike of the entire situation. I didn’t have the money to take the truck to a mechanic and Edward’s sister was the closest thing I had to a friend in the business. I knew Charlie was working late so he wouldn’t be able to help me getting it running today, and I really truly did not want to walk the two miles to school first thing in the morning. I was out of options.
“You could try and be a little bit happy about it,” Edward teased.
“I don’t like owing people.”
“I told you that you don’t owe me anything and if Rosalie expects something I’ll take care of it. Now stop worrying about it and lets get you home and out of the rain.”
“Fine.” I slammed the truck door and crossed my arms in a huff.
He chuckled under his breath at my immature behaviour. “Most people would be happy for the help Bella.”
“Well I’m not most people.”
“True. You are not like most people.”
We drove to my house in silence. I could feel him look at me every now and again and I peeked at him once or twice but I was too annoyed to think of nonchalant chitchat. Edward was unusually silent, seeming almost uncomfortable while he drove. I bet he was regretting asking me out.
He pulled up to the curb at my house and turned the car off. The atmosphere in the car was strained, either by my mood or by whatever seemed to be bothering Edward. I felt awkward and obvious and uncomfortable. I’m sure he could sense it.
“I’ll pick you up in the morning, okay?” Like I had a choice.
“Yep.”
He reached for my hand again, pulling it forward and examining it again. “You really should let me take you to have your hand looked at.”
“I don’t even feel it,” I informed him brusquely.
“Still,” he murmured in his hushed sexy voice that turned my insides into jello. He bent forward and planted a soft kiss on my fingers, still holding my hand in his. “Will you be okay?” he wondered.
“I’ll see you tomorrow Edward.” I waited for him to release my hand. He seemed reluctant to let me go, raising his eyes to meet mine and staring intensely at me.
“Tomorrow,” he agreed in a quiet almost melancholy tone. He gave my hand a soothing squeeze and then let it drop.
I watched him drive away before I went inside. What the hell had I just gotten myself into?
A/N: Again I'd like to petition for reviews. Please? Pretty please? With a cherry on top? You know you want to ;o)