I think I am exhibiting signs of desperation.  You'd think after this messy (at least for me) breakup, I would not a) still want to talk to him despite the fact that he clearly is either ambivalent or totally uninterested in staying friends and b) still try to look for peope out there.  I mean, if he has just moved on after five years without ( Read more... )

I have been musing about whether or not its a problem that I am someone who enjoys beauty.  I guess what I mean is- should I be worried that I seem drawn to particularly beautiful young men?   I guess that my concern is that instead of realizing that I am not likely to wind up with such a person, I will spend my life chasing after what is ( Read more... )

I do believe I have gone insane.  I am making a strange project out of trawling OkCupid! (its sort of a dating/social networking site) and basically looking through hundreds of people's profiles and trying to convince myself that there are other people out there who can compare to Nathaniel. I may not even talk to them or actively try to do ( Read more... )

I am pretty sick of the angst that I've been experiencing lately so this post will just be a series of random observations.  I did talk to Nathaniel on the phone and it was perfectly fine, no huge revelations but on the other hand, at least I know that its possible to talk to him and not feel depressed or angry.  I have also been enjoying my ( Read more... )

I was just reading that poem by Lord Byron and it perfectly encompasses the feelings I have right now.  I especially like the verses, "For the sword outwears its sheath/And the soul wears out the breast/And the heart must pause to breathe/And love itself have rest."  I guess I need to put love to rest right now.  The love I had has gone and I need ( Read more... )

I sometimes wonder if we don't overemphasize the importance of relationships in our lives. I look back at the years I spent feeling as though the relationship I was in would go on forever.  I kept imagining this future of a loving and comfortable relationship and now I'm sitting here staring at the blank space thinking that if I hadn't privileged ( Read more... )

The anger and antagonism I feel towards Nathaniel seems to be ebbing away.  Of course I am still feeling the lingering effects of losing him as a lover and a romantic partner but ultimately, he was unhappy in the relationship as it stood and I didn't want him to feel trapped and stifled.  He deserves to be with someone who can make him feel good in ( Read more... )

Well, I guess its another day to seek meaning in this crazy life.  I woke up and realized that it was pretty much this time last summer that Nathaniel (my ex) was here. I would not have predicted that a year later, we'd have broken up after five years of a relationship that had some real substance.  Maybe the failings were largely mine even though ( Read more... )

Once there was a man who sat in sunny fields and watched butterflies as they passed. It was his job to observe them and write poetry to memorialize their beauty. He was mesmerized by their patterns and resplendent colours so he wrote beautiful odes to them. There were others there who attracted the butterflies, people the butterflies were drawn to ( Read more... )

I am sitting here veering between love and hate, anger and crushing depression.  My entire life has come to a crashing  halt in the space of a few months. I have lost the only relationship that ever meant anything to me and it is never coming back.  I am struggling with a physical state that is severely restricting my freedom and I feel utterly  ( Read more... )