my life sucks. i miss you Andy. i miss you, Tim. i guess you got what you wanted, dad. you are a spiteful, worthless jerk. i hate you with every breath i take. and not just because of this. have fun in hell...

i cry out for you, are you there?
do you still love me?
do you still care?
i wish i could heal you, but you won't let me near
if i plead for forgiveness, would it seem insincere?
i didn't do this to hurt you
i wasn't thinking at all
now i've fallen beside you
i feel too small
i never felt innocent. had to keep it that way.
i wan't you for this lifetime if ( Read more... )

why can't we just be peaceful? it doesn't make sense...
but that's far too easy, to say in my defense
i feel months of trust, quickly slip from my grasp
have you cut me loose? will you undo the clasp?
i know that i lied, i was disloyal to you.
but i said i was sorry
nothing more i can do.
i'd fall at your feet and beg you to stay
i'd sacrifice anything, to ( Read more... )

today was the first day of school and it's driving me crazy already. i just don't know what the fuck to do. i suppose i can sort of hold myself together with the help of Tim and everyone else. i got an upsetting comment on this livejournal the other day and if that keeps happening it's either getting on higher security of dicontinued. i'm ( Read more... )

for a while i wanted to break up with you, but i love you so much. we need to stop focusing on what makes us miserable and focus on eachother or we'll fall apart. i can't see that happen. you are so sad and so angry. i wish i could make it all go away but i don't know how. all i know is that we love and need eachother.

my whole life is being monitored. everywhere i go, everyone i see, every conversation... it makes me want to just give up. there's no way i'll be perfect enough to keep myself out of a residential. i can't even just be normal. i have to be above average now, or what? i don't want to change myself. i don't want to lie. i can't stand being spied on. ( Read more... )

my evening was spent at the apartment around a bunch of drunk and high people. i wish so badly that i had been one of them. 
i had one last night with him. i'm wondering if i'll walk down the streets someday and see him out there. i'm wondering if i'll pass him by with tears in my eyes. he told me he loves me. he's coming back. everything else he ( Read more... )

it seems so deep and dark, living this way. it seems so lonely seeing faces and never people. hearing voices and never words or sentences that mean anything. following people around, like a lost soul waiting for the next scattered bit of kindness, or the next demand. if i ever tried to think about my feelings beyond these it wouldn't be valid. it ( Read more... )

you are not the one who's all alone. that's me. and if i'm so alone than why do i talk to myself?

am i really that good at hiding my pain? does what he did to me not show upon my face? how i used to tie a rope around my hand. tie it to the doornob. in the closet. hiding. shaking. curled onto the hard floor. sometimes i'd turn on the flashlight to write in my diary. but not about that. oh no. never that. i would read my comic books sometimes too ( Read more... )