*curses at a villager*

I just need some clothes, damnit I'm your king!

Plus I'm feeling kind of chilly. *clutches self*

*****************SUDDEN LIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF A FOREST****************************

Scene 1:

Somewhere, wherever.

Aragorn: Lies naked, curled up in a fetal position in the midst of a clearing of trees. He wakes up, dizzy, starts stumbling around in a confused state, unaware of his undress.

Dear Middle Earth,

I realize that, as I am now alive, a lot of you are expecting me to fong the fuck out of that gargantuan bastard who's taken over Arda.

However, I have fiery ass-maggots, so I'm calling in sick.

HateLove you all ( Read more... )

Uh...

I have fiery ass maggots

...

Nope, I got nothing else to say.

Mandos Release Form 3B

NAME: Elessar Aragorn Estel Thorongil Trotter squirrel-fuckerStrider Equire
QUEST: To get out of Mandos and kill the fucker who took my city.
AVERAGE AIR-SPEED VELOCITY OF AN UNLADEN SWALLOW (AFRICAN): Uh...twice as fast as the European variety.
LAST KNOWN GENDER:
[X] MALE
[X] FEMALE [ ] WHATEVER ( Read more... )

Last will and testament ( Read more... )

Well, crap, there's an army at my gates and the kitchen staff of Elrond is nowhere to be found ( Read more... )

I have:

Six pulled muscles
Four friction burns
One collapsed testicle
Two dozen bruises
And
A dislocated kneecap

But, I believe Arwen is as pregnant as it is possible for her to be. Yes, Gondor will have more Heirs. Praise be.

Send us presents or I'll fong you.

I think my wife is pregnant.

This means I will have heirs, instead of the freakish groupies that have deluded themselves into thinking they're mine.

D'oh! Right. Promised Wenny.

Uh, the freakish groupies who are my children...from an alternate future where I spawned a slew of degenerate -

OW!!!

You have good aim, dear...

So, I got this message earlier that I sort of used as scratch paper for a doodle of Arwen's breasts and I just flipped it over and...

...Anorien seems to be on fire.

Why do I feel I should be doing something about this?