Fic: If There's A Rocket Tie Me To It (15/15)
Title: If There's A Rocket Tie Me To It
Author:
claire_kay
Rating: PG-13 ish. There are a few naughty words.
Pairing: Kris/Adam.
Beta: The lovely empath89 :)
Summary: It really was a mistake. It really was a mistake. Adam isn't fooling anyone.
Notes: Well. Here it is. The end of the story. *sobs* I just want to say thanks a million times hundred to everyone who has read and commented, I really appreciate it very muchly :) and also I hope you enjoy the last chapter, and I will be doing a sequel. Which I will probably start posting sometime next week x and yeah I'll leave you with the last part.... *runs away*
Disclaimer: Not mine at all. Just my crazy brain. Adam and Kris belong to themselves and each other.
Part One // Part Two // Part Three // Part Four // Part Five // Part Six // Part Seven // Part Eight // Part Nine // Part Ten // Part Eleven // Part Twelve // Part Thirteen // Part Fourteen
If There's A Rocket Tie Me To It
Chapter Fifteen: Almost Lover
The thing was five days really wasn't that long, at least it shouldn't have been. Adam had more than enough things to be doing, there was hardly any time to stop and think about how many days, hours, minutes, seconds Kris had been gone and he would never admit to having sat and worked it out exactly in his head. Yet he seemed to be finding time to do just that because the trouble was as everything dwindled down the preparation was becoming less that and more like actual practice and Adam found it was easier to get distracted.
He was almost content to watch as the others panicked their way through routines they had yet to perfect and songs that weren't quite right. Because he had all of that figured out he was ever the professional prepared down to the last specific detail, all meticulously rehearsed and practised. At least it was one thing he could cross off his list to be concerned about.
The trouble was it left him plenty of time to wonder about where Kris was, about what Kris was doing and if he was sat around desperately missing Adam as much as he was missing Kris. He had pathetically sat up late that first night waiting for a call or a message or any kind of contact from Kris and when it came in the form a small blinking envelope on the front of his phone he jumped up off the bed in panic and excitement and the four words were enough for him to be contented to sleep easy that night. “I miss you already.”
Then there was nothing the next day and he tried not to let it show, he tried to cover the concern with joining in more with the others, throwing himself into actively helping them. He made jokes and laughed along and perhaps he overplayed it too much because as they sat down for their only break of the day Danny had looked at him with eyes scrutinizing his every move and Adam wondered when he exactly he had become so transparent. He avoided Danny for the rest of the day. He was the one out of all of them who was the least willing to play along.
When Kris finally called after three days away Adam was half asleep due to the call coming through at 3 in the morning. He heard the apologies falling from Kris' lips and he hushed them away immediately because it felt nice. The sheets pulled closely over him, Kris' voice in his ear and the gentle sound of his breathing in the silent moments - it was almost like Kris was there with him. Maybe he had been too tired that night, too caught up in the joy of hearing Kris voice after a day of nothing, but he didn't hear the pained edge to his voice until they spoke on the fourth day.
Kris was annoyingly ignoring any questions Adam threw at him about how things were going, distracting Adam with questions about rehearsals asking for funny stories and what things he had missed in his absence and any time Adam tried to turn it around Kris had found a brilliant talent of working the conversation onto something else. Then Kris was talking about when he was coming back, the time of his flights and what bothered Adam most of all was the formality of it, how he would never say Adam's name and he wanted to hear it. He wanted to hear Kris say it but it never happened and Adam wondered if someone was there in the room with him. He jumped to that conclusion and he stayed there because anything else might have been was something Adam didn't want to think about.
Now it was the night before and five days had passed with only two conversations with Kris and no one asked him about it so he never said a word. Maybe they were worried how he would react, perhaps they didn't want to upset him. In fact, talk about him and Kris hadn't been as much as Adam thought it would have been. He was waiting for questions for days now but they never came and he thought that maybe Danny and Allison had something to do with it and in a way he was thankful because it felt to strange to talk about it without Kris. To give them answers without both of them being sat there to share the stories.
But in a way he hated it because there was no reminder that Kris had even been here. Everything went on as normal and no one else seemed to be missing anything, yet Adam felt like he was missing some kind of vital piece of himself and as each day passed he found it harder and harder to get through. Of course the perfect façade went up, but with it came a new level of panic. Because Kris should have been here and he wasn't and for everyone else to act like it was the most normal thing was not a feeling he enjoyed. He didn't blame them because what choice did they have? They were all here for a reason but why did it have to be so much harder for him? When had he become so dependent on having Kris with him?
There was a buzz through the room tonight, an energy, because things were finishing and this was the last time they would all be here like this together. The reality was dawning on them all and he could feel the anxiety and excitement from all of them. It was going to be one of those nights where no one could sleep and everyone would be hyper. He had learned enough about his new friends to know that much and he watched them all excitedly plan away and he tried to join in, he did join in and even if it was half heartedly he knew it would be enough to appease them from asking questions.
He felt Danny's hand on his shoulder and he turned to be greeted with a warm smile. “You are coming out with us all tonight then?”
“I wouldn't miss it.”
Danny nodded. “So Kris is back tomorrow right?”
The room seemed to fall silent with the mention of Kris' name and Adam knew it was a private conversation but he could literally see the rest of them leaning in to listen. He nodded slightly. “Yep.”
“Adam...”
“We better not stand around all day talking Danny. You know Allison, she'll explode with excitement if we don't get out of here soon...”
The others were fading away slowly out of the room, the excited chatter returning to full volume quickly enough. He was ready to follow them through the door but Danny was close to him again and stopped him before he could leave.
“You haven't fooled anyone this week you know. We've all seen how hard this is for you, but we know you so we figured we'd just let you deal with it the way you do. But... Adam it's sort of hard to watch. You once told me to just be myself and stop acting like an ass and it was the best advice I've ever got...”
Adam laughed slightly because he was fairly sure he wasn't the first person to call Danny out for being as ass but he nodded along politely, taking in Danny's words.
“What I am trying to say in a roundabout way is... if you're pissed off or mad or sad or whatever, it’s okay to feel that way. You don't need to pretend with us.”
“I know.” Adam sighed heavily and he felt like laughing as the realization hit him. “To be honest I think I've been doing it more for myself than you guys. It's a little bit easier if I pretend that I'm not freaking out and that I'm not worried and scared...”
“He's back tomorrow.”
Adam nodded again. “I know.”
“I thought you'd be happier about it.”
“I'm not letting myself be happy about it, not yet. Not until he is back by side, goofy smile... and I'm not...”
“I get it.”
Adam knew that Danny did get it; he wasn't just saying the words to avoid an awkward explanation from Adam. He was saying them because he meant them. He watched as a small smile crept across Danny's face and he could literally see the plan forming in his mind.
“What are you thinking, Gokey?”
“Just that watching you mope around for the past few days has been pretty depressing so we are all going out tonight and, bar Allison, I say we all get very drunk.”
Adam feigned surprise. “Danny Gokey, are you actually suggesting that?”
“You think you're the only one full of surprises?”
“I think it's the best idea you ever had.”
Adam smiled widely at Danny and he tried his best to maintain it out of the building and for as long as Danny was looking at him. It was even harder with Danny around, with all of them around because he knew even more clearly now that they could see through him and he hated it and felt slightly overwhelmed by it all at the same time. If anything, it showed that they cared and, despite his protesting it, he felt grateful for it.
The ride back was noisy and full of laughter and it was hard not to get caught up in all of it, especially with Allison sitting closely by his side, pulling funny faces and mimicking Matt's accent. He let the laughter leave him, genuine and real for the first time he could remember in a while. It was only as a small silence in the conversation that reminded him who was missing and his thoughts turned to Kris again and how he should have been here for this. He wondered what Kris was doing, if he was sitting around wondering about Adam. He felt Danny nudge him in his ribs and frown at him slightly. He knew he would have to work harder to fake happiness so he could get through this night without even more bruising from Danny.
-
He was vaguely aware of a light streaming in from somewhere in the room and his head seemed to throb and ache as he moved it slowly to find out where it was coming from. He kept his eyes closed as he moved his head trying to find the light but the ache in his head only grew so he threw his head back into the pillow. It was Kris' pillow; he had got into the routine of sleeping on Kris' side of the bed while he hadn't been here. It still faintly smelled of him and as he buried his face into it now it seemed more distinct than it had been for the last few days.
Adam was starting to wake more and he could vaguely recollect a series of events from the night before now replaying in his mind. He could remember a lot of laughing and a series of drinking games that he could see now Matt had made up on the spot. He remembered Allison leaving pretty early despite her protests of wanting to stay, and he could see Anoop and Megan all over each other and that was something that was destined to be scarred on his brain forever. Then he was fairly sure there had been singing, loud and out of tune singing that everyone would be regretting very much so this morning, considering they were all scheduled to leave on tour in less than a week.
After that everything seemed to mould into a fuzzy blur and he was unsure of how he managed to make his way back to his apartment or how he had got himself half undressed. He wanted to lift his head up to look around and look for any kind of signs that might jog his memory. He'd have to remember to smack Danny upside his head for this the next time he saw him.
He really wanted to move and roll over onto his back but he literally had no energy to do so and then he felt warm fingers touching the bottom of his back tracing along slowly and moving further up his body leaving a trail of electricity burning on his skin.
He suddenly felt a huge gripping fear that in his drunken state he had bought someone back here. No there was no way he would do that, it wasn't him, not any more. And there was no way Gokey would... oh no. Please don't be Danny Gokey. He really didn't want to look and the nausea was hitting him and fear and panic all at once and he turned over quickly his eyes still firmly shut and he was wide awake now.
The fingers didn't relent but now they were tracing across his chest moving slowly down his stomach and it all felt so familiar and he knew who it was, he should have known before but he had been to unaware to realize and his eyes opened quickly and he sat up and turned around all in one motion.
Kris was laid across the bed on his side, fully clothed, a small smile on his lips. “You make little noises when you're asleep did you know that?”
Adam's body fell back down onto the bed and he laughed lightly and turned to face Kris. The smile had faded now as he took in Adam's face, every feature and Kris was looking at him so closely - almost like he was trying to read something in his eyes that wasn't there.
“How long have you been here?”
Kris shrugged. “I don't know. I wasn't really keeping track of the time.”
Kris’ hands were against his skin again, this time his face. Fingers traced across his cheek, across his jaw, and over his lips. Adam opened his mouth to speak, he had so many questions he wanted to ask, but his brain was still blurred from the night before and he couldn't figure out if this was a dream or real. He wanted to know for sure, he wanted to feel his own hands on Kris and he reached out to touch him, his hands gripping around Kris' arm. He let out a sigh of relief that he felt like he had been holding for the last five days.
“Kris...”
Kris seemed to snap out of some kind of trance he had been in with Adam's words and he moved quickly off the bed and cleared his throat. “I'll make us a coffee and we can...” He was turning away towards the door and Adam wanted to move with him and stop him from leaving. Where was the sweetness of a reunion, he felt like his heart would be capable of bursting out of his chest with just the sight of Kris and Kris seemed... well Adam couldn't tell. There was something not quite right and he hadn't seen it before but he could see it now as Kris looked at him before leaving the room.
Adam moved quickly, pulling on his faded ripped jeans and rushing to the kitchen with Kris. He could hear Kris before he got there, already in the process of making coffee. He moved around the kitchen with ease knowing where everything was without ever really asking Adam and it would have been something Adam found joy in if not for the fact that Kris seemed tense with every step he made. Adam was sure he heard him muttering to himself as he got closer.
He rested against one of the counters and watched as Kris continued to move quickly through the small space. “How was it at home?”
Kris stopped and sighed deeply. “It was... it was good to be there. To remember...”
Adam was looking more closely now and Kris was shaking as he poured milk into two cups, spilling it as he did so, and Adam grabbed Kris wrist to still it and with his other hand put the milk down on the surface. He forced Kris to turn and look at him and already Kris' shaking was slowing.
“It's okay. It wasn't going to be easy...”
Kris nodded. “That's what I thought.”
“What do you mean?”
Kris moved his hands away from Adam's grasp and paced into the lounge, his head hung low. “It wasn't easy to start with. My parents... my Dad yelled at me, I mean screamed at me, for probably the third time in my life and my Mum sat crying in the corner. Half of my family didn't want to talk to me and the other half think that I'm some kind of...”
Adam feared the rejection that would come if he tried to approach Kris again, so he stayed back, watching from the few feet between them. There was nothing he could say or do that was going to make this any better and he knew that all he could do was listen.
“But then... Adam being there was like going back to the place that started all this for me. It reminded me of who I'm doing this for; it's not just for me. It's for those people back there, my family, my friends and... my wife.”
Adam was moving forward slowly now, for the first time he couldn't read Kris’ tone and he didn't understand what he was trying to say. There was something hidden beneath the words, some deep suggestion that he knew Kris was hoping Adam would just figure out.
“You saw Katy as well yeah?”
Kris nodded. “Yes. We all did... my Mum and Dad, and me and Katy we all talked about this and...”
“Talked about this? This what? You and me...”
“Yes.”
The anger had been so buried beneath the surface that it almost surprised Adam as it threatened to leave him. He could feel it building up under his skin, months of frustration and anger all directed in this one moment and it was balancing on the tip of the next words that left Kris' mouth and Adam could already hear them before they were even spoken.
“They think that it's because I was so far away from home... I didn't have that stability and I built up a different kind of family for myself here and I made you the main part of it because you the closest friend I have here. They think that I confused it for something else...”
“You are going to have to spell this out for me, Kris, because I think I get what you're saying to me here but I want to hear you fucking say it.”
Kris face still read no emotion. Adam couldn't be sure but he could see flickers of Kris trying to fight with it but it could have been anything - he could have been seeing that because he wanted to and not because it was real.
“I agree with them.”
Adam felt the breath leave his lungs as if he had been punched in the stomach and he had to fight with everything not to launch himself forward and retaliate back. He moved quickly stopping himself as he inched closer to Kris.
“You agree with them about what? Say it. Fucking say it Kris.”
“I was confused. About how I thought I felt about you...”
Adam felt his entire body give out from underneath him and his knees hit the floor with a crash and he closed his eyes. He had been so fucking stupid. He heard Kris' words on each phone call over the last few days in his mind and he should have known. The words had grown more distant with each day and he hadn't wanted to believe what he had feared all along.
“You don't love me?”
He heard Kris take a deep intake of breath and let it out slowly. “No.”
“But... I... you said that you loved me and I never... but you know I love you...”
“Adam...” There was a brief hint of pain in Kris' voice and then he seemed to remember himself and it was gone. “I do care about you... I never should have let it get this far. I'm so sor...”
Something snapped inside of Adam and he was up on his feet, a fistful of the fabric of Kris’ jacket in his hand, and he was throwing him against the first wall he could find. “Don't you dare say you're sorry, don't you fucking dare, Kris. Because all I've had from this is how sorry you are and it’s all bullshit. You aren't sorry. If you really cared about me you would never have treated me this way.”
Adam pushed Kris firmly against the wall one more time and then let go and turned his back before looking back to see Kris still with shock at Adam's outburst. “Did you know I was waiting for this moment? From that first time you told me you felt the same way I was waiting and waiting and then I let myself get convinced that maybe this time it was going to be different. And you know who convinced me of that? You. Is that what you wanted? To make me believe you loved me so you could break my fucking heart after you got what you wanted? Because that's what this was right? Just an experiment before you ran back to your perfect little life.”
Kris was shaking his head, his voice quite and barely audible and Adam had to move closer to understand. “That's not what...”
Adam shook his head. “You can't even justify it and you know why? Because it's all bullshit that's why. You weren't confused or missing stability or whatever crap you've let them make you believe. Your problem is that you are scared. You went back there and it was easy and safe and uncomplicated and it's easier to live like that than take a chance...”
“I love her Adam. I love Katy.”
“Fine. But you look me in the eye and actually tell me. I want to hear you say the words that you don't love me.”
Kris shook his head. “I don't want to hurt you anymore...”
Adam could feel the tears forming in his eyes, he could hear the sobs leaving him and he wanted to be stronger. He didn't want to be this way in front of Kris, he didn't want to be weak but something had left him and it was an unstoppable force.
“It's too late for that Kris. You've hurt me in every possible way and you did it all so easily. You are going to walk away from me and not look back and live your life and you won't care about the fact that you hurt someone so badly that you practically broke them. Is this what you fucking wanted?”
“No!”
“Then why did you even start it? Why make me believe you loved me if you never did. How can you hurt someone like this if you don't love them... oh... you don't love me. You don't love me.”
Adam felt his legs give way again and Kris was closing in on him, shutting the distance, and Adam's hands reached out in front of him to stop Kris. “Don't...”
Adam tried to calm his breathing, it was fast and ragged and sobs escaped every now and then and he hated the way his emotions were betraying him because he could feel Kris' eyes on him, desperate, still trying to reach out and be closer to Adam. But there was a brick wall between them now and Adam was done. There was no way he was letting Kris past it ever again. Time after time he had done just that and dealt with the pain that followed believing that in the end it would all be worthwhile and now the reality was facing him. It had left him with nothing. Rejection, blame and anger…he had taken them all from Kris, believing there was something more beneath it, believing Kris when he spoke words of love and promises and he should have trusted himself from the start because it had all been a lie.
His breathing had quieted and the silence that lingered between them seemed to go on forever. There was nothing else Adam needed to say and, yet ever the masochist, he didn't want Kris to leave because when he did, it sealed the change that had just occurred.
“Everything is going to be different now isn't it?” Kris sounded scared and unsure, a small amount compared to how Adam felt.
“Yes.”
He saw Kris nod out the corner of his eye. “After the tour I won't... I won't contact you. I won't try. I promise I'll stop hurting you now Adam. It's my last promise to you and I'll keep it this time. You'll be fine, you're stronger than you think you are... I only made...”
Adam didn't look as he heard the floor squeak under Kris' shoes, and he didn't look as he heard the door creak open. But then there was the sound of metal clanging on the kitchen counter and he saw Kris' hand lingering on top of the key, gripped tightly almost unable to let go and then it was falling and the door was closing as Kris left through it and Kris was gone and yet still everywhere around him.
.
Author:
claire_kay
Rating: PG-13 ish. There are a few naughty words.
Pairing: Kris/Adam.
Beta: The lovely empath89 :)
Summary: It really was a mistake. It really was a mistake. Adam isn't fooling anyone.
Notes: Well. Here it is. The end of the story. *sobs* I just want to say thanks a million times hundred to everyone who has read and commented, I really appreciate it very muchly :) and also I hope you enjoy the last chapter, and I will be doing a sequel. Which I will probably start posting sometime next week x and yeah I'll leave you with the last part.... *runs away*
Disclaimer: Not mine at all. Just my crazy brain. Adam and Kris belong to themselves and each other.
Part One // Part Two // Part Three // Part Four // Part Five // Part Six // Part Seven // Part Eight // Part Nine // Part Ten // Part Eleven // Part Twelve // Part Thirteen // Part Fourteen
If There's A Rocket Tie Me To It
Chapter Fifteen: Almost Lover
The thing was five days really wasn't that long, at least it shouldn't have been. Adam had more than enough things to be doing, there was hardly any time to stop and think about how many days, hours, minutes, seconds Kris had been gone and he would never admit to having sat and worked it out exactly in his head. Yet he seemed to be finding time to do just that because the trouble was as everything dwindled down the preparation was becoming less that and more like actual practice and Adam found it was easier to get distracted.
He was almost content to watch as the others panicked their way through routines they had yet to perfect and songs that weren't quite right. Because he had all of that figured out he was ever the professional prepared down to the last specific detail, all meticulously rehearsed and practised. At least it was one thing he could cross off his list to be concerned about.
The trouble was it left him plenty of time to wonder about where Kris was, about what Kris was doing and if he was sat around desperately missing Adam as much as he was missing Kris. He had pathetically sat up late that first night waiting for a call or a message or any kind of contact from Kris and when it came in the form a small blinking envelope on the front of his phone he jumped up off the bed in panic and excitement and the four words were enough for him to be contented to sleep easy that night. “I miss you already.”
Then there was nothing the next day and he tried not to let it show, he tried to cover the concern with joining in more with the others, throwing himself into actively helping them. He made jokes and laughed along and perhaps he overplayed it too much because as they sat down for their only break of the day Danny had looked at him with eyes scrutinizing his every move and Adam wondered when he exactly he had become so transparent. He avoided Danny for the rest of the day. He was the one out of all of them who was the least willing to play along.
When Kris finally called after three days away Adam was half asleep due to the call coming through at 3 in the morning. He heard the apologies falling from Kris' lips and he hushed them away immediately because it felt nice. The sheets pulled closely over him, Kris' voice in his ear and the gentle sound of his breathing in the silent moments - it was almost like Kris was there with him. Maybe he had been too tired that night, too caught up in the joy of hearing Kris voice after a day of nothing, but he didn't hear the pained edge to his voice until they spoke on the fourth day.
Kris was annoyingly ignoring any questions Adam threw at him about how things were going, distracting Adam with questions about rehearsals asking for funny stories and what things he had missed in his absence and any time Adam tried to turn it around Kris had found a brilliant talent of working the conversation onto something else. Then Kris was talking about when he was coming back, the time of his flights and what bothered Adam most of all was the formality of it, how he would never say Adam's name and he wanted to hear it. He wanted to hear Kris say it but it never happened and Adam wondered if someone was there in the room with him. He jumped to that conclusion and he stayed there because anything else might have been was something Adam didn't want to think about.
Now it was the night before and five days had passed with only two conversations with Kris and no one asked him about it so he never said a word. Maybe they were worried how he would react, perhaps they didn't want to upset him. In fact, talk about him and Kris hadn't been as much as Adam thought it would have been. He was waiting for questions for days now but they never came and he thought that maybe Danny and Allison had something to do with it and in a way he was thankful because it felt to strange to talk about it without Kris. To give them answers without both of them being sat there to share the stories.
But in a way he hated it because there was no reminder that Kris had even been here. Everything went on as normal and no one else seemed to be missing anything, yet Adam felt like he was missing some kind of vital piece of himself and as each day passed he found it harder and harder to get through. Of course the perfect façade went up, but with it came a new level of panic. Because Kris should have been here and he wasn't and for everyone else to act like it was the most normal thing was not a feeling he enjoyed. He didn't blame them because what choice did they have? They were all here for a reason but why did it have to be so much harder for him? When had he become so dependent on having Kris with him?
There was a buzz through the room tonight, an energy, because things were finishing and this was the last time they would all be here like this together. The reality was dawning on them all and he could feel the anxiety and excitement from all of them. It was going to be one of those nights where no one could sleep and everyone would be hyper. He had learned enough about his new friends to know that much and he watched them all excitedly plan away and he tried to join in, he did join in and even if it was half heartedly he knew it would be enough to appease them from asking questions.
He felt Danny's hand on his shoulder and he turned to be greeted with a warm smile. “You are coming out with us all tonight then?”
“I wouldn't miss it.”
Danny nodded. “So Kris is back tomorrow right?”
The room seemed to fall silent with the mention of Kris' name and Adam knew it was a private conversation but he could literally see the rest of them leaning in to listen. He nodded slightly. “Yep.”
“Adam...”
“We better not stand around all day talking Danny. You know Allison, she'll explode with excitement if we don't get out of here soon...”
The others were fading away slowly out of the room, the excited chatter returning to full volume quickly enough. He was ready to follow them through the door but Danny was close to him again and stopped him before he could leave.
“You haven't fooled anyone this week you know. We've all seen how hard this is for you, but we know you so we figured we'd just let you deal with it the way you do. But... Adam it's sort of hard to watch. You once told me to just be myself and stop acting like an ass and it was the best advice I've ever got...”
Adam laughed slightly because he was fairly sure he wasn't the first person to call Danny out for being as ass but he nodded along politely, taking in Danny's words.
“What I am trying to say in a roundabout way is... if you're pissed off or mad or sad or whatever, it’s okay to feel that way. You don't need to pretend with us.”
“I know.” Adam sighed heavily and he felt like laughing as the realization hit him. “To be honest I think I've been doing it more for myself than you guys. It's a little bit easier if I pretend that I'm not freaking out and that I'm not worried and scared...”
“He's back tomorrow.”
Adam nodded again. “I know.”
“I thought you'd be happier about it.”
“I'm not letting myself be happy about it, not yet. Not until he is back by side, goofy smile... and I'm not...”
“I get it.”
Adam knew that Danny did get it; he wasn't just saying the words to avoid an awkward explanation from Adam. He was saying them because he meant them. He watched as a small smile crept across Danny's face and he could literally see the plan forming in his mind.
“What are you thinking, Gokey?”
“Just that watching you mope around for the past few days has been pretty depressing so we are all going out tonight and, bar Allison, I say we all get very drunk.”
Adam feigned surprise. “Danny Gokey, are you actually suggesting that?”
“You think you're the only one full of surprises?”
“I think it's the best idea you ever had.”
Adam smiled widely at Danny and he tried his best to maintain it out of the building and for as long as Danny was looking at him. It was even harder with Danny around, with all of them around because he knew even more clearly now that they could see through him and he hated it and felt slightly overwhelmed by it all at the same time. If anything, it showed that they cared and, despite his protesting it, he felt grateful for it.
The ride back was noisy and full of laughter and it was hard not to get caught up in all of it, especially with Allison sitting closely by his side, pulling funny faces and mimicking Matt's accent. He let the laughter leave him, genuine and real for the first time he could remember in a while. It was only as a small silence in the conversation that reminded him who was missing and his thoughts turned to Kris again and how he should have been here for this. He wondered what Kris was doing, if he was sitting around wondering about Adam. He felt Danny nudge him in his ribs and frown at him slightly. He knew he would have to work harder to fake happiness so he could get through this night without even more bruising from Danny.
-
He was vaguely aware of a light streaming in from somewhere in the room and his head seemed to throb and ache as he moved it slowly to find out where it was coming from. He kept his eyes closed as he moved his head trying to find the light but the ache in his head only grew so he threw his head back into the pillow. It was Kris' pillow; he had got into the routine of sleeping on Kris' side of the bed while he hadn't been here. It still faintly smelled of him and as he buried his face into it now it seemed more distinct than it had been for the last few days.
Adam was starting to wake more and he could vaguely recollect a series of events from the night before now replaying in his mind. He could remember a lot of laughing and a series of drinking games that he could see now Matt had made up on the spot. He remembered Allison leaving pretty early despite her protests of wanting to stay, and he could see Anoop and Megan all over each other and that was something that was destined to be scarred on his brain forever. Then he was fairly sure there had been singing, loud and out of tune singing that everyone would be regretting very much so this morning, considering they were all scheduled to leave on tour in less than a week.
After that everything seemed to mould into a fuzzy blur and he was unsure of how he managed to make his way back to his apartment or how he had got himself half undressed. He wanted to lift his head up to look around and look for any kind of signs that might jog his memory. He'd have to remember to smack Danny upside his head for this the next time he saw him.
He really wanted to move and roll over onto his back but he literally had no energy to do so and then he felt warm fingers touching the bottom of his back tracing along slowly and moving further up his body leaving a trail of electricity burning on his skin.
He suddenly felt a huge gripping fear that in his drunken state he had bought someone back here. No there was no way he would do that, it wasn't him, not any more. And there was no way Gokey would... oh no. Please don't be Danny Gokey. He really didn't want to look and the nausea was hitting him and fear and panic all at once and he turned over quickly his eyes still firmly shut and he was wide awake now.
The fingers didn't relent but now they were tracing across his chest moving slowly down his stomach and it all felt so familiar and he knew who it was, he should have known before but he had been to unaware to realize and his eyes opened quickly and he sat up and turned around all in one motion.
Kris was laid across the bed on his side, fully clothed, a small smile on his lips. “You make little noises when you're asleep did you know that?”
Adam's body fell back down onto the bed and he laughed lightly and turned to face Kris. The smile had faded now as he took in Adam's face, every feature and Kris was looking at him so closely - almost like he was trying to read something in his eyes that wasn't there.
“How long have you been here?”
Kris shrugged. “I don't know. I wasn't really keeping track of the time.”
Kris’ hands were against his skin again, this time his face. Fingers traced across his cheek, across his jaw, and over his lips. Adam opened his mouth to speak, he had so many questions he wanted to ask, but his brain was still blurred from the night before and he couldn't figure out if this was a dream or real. He wanted to know for sure, he wanted to feel his own hands on Kris and he reached out to touch him, his hands gripping around Kris' arm. He let out a sigh of relief that he felt like he had been holding for the last five days.
“Kris...”
Kris seemed to snap out of some kind of trance he had been in with Adam's words and he moved quickly off the bed and cleared his throat. “I'll make us a coffee and we can...” He was turning away towards the door and Adam wanted to move with him and stop him from leaving. Where was the sweetness of a reunion, he felt like his heart would be capable of bursting out of his chest with just the sight of Kris and Kris seemed... well Adam couldn't tell. There was something not quite right and he hadn't seen it before but he could see it now as Kris looked at him before leaving the room.
Adam moved quickly, pulling on his faded ripped jeans and rushing to the kitchen with Kris. He could hear Kris before he got there, already in the process of making coffee. He moved around the kitchen with ease knowing where everything was without ever really asking Adam and it would have been something Adam found joy in if not for the fact that Kris seemed tense with every step he made. Adam was sure he heard him muttering to himself as he got closer.
He rested against one of the counters and watched as Kris continued to move quickly through the small space. “How was it at home?”
Kris stopped and sighed deeply. “It was... it was good to be there. To remember...”
Adam was looking more closely now and Kris was shaking as he poured milk into two cups, spilling it as he did so, and Adam grabbed Kris wrist to still it and with his other hand put the milk down on the surface. He forced Kris to turn and look at him and already Kris' shaking was slowing.
“It's okay. It wasn't going to be easy...”
Kris nodded. “That's what I thought.”
“What do you mean?”
Kris moved his hands away from Adam's grasp and paced into the lounge, his head hung low. “It wasn't easy to start with. My parents... my Dad yelled at me, I mean screamed at me, for probably the third time in my life and my Mum sat crying in the corner. Half of my family didn't want to talk to me and the other half think that I'm some kind of...”
Adam feared the rejection that would come if he tried to approach Kris again, so he stayed back, watching from the few feet between them. There was nothing he could say or do that was going to make this any better and he knew that all he could do was listen.
“But then... Adam being there was like going back to the place that started all this for me. It reminded me of who I'm doing this for; it's not just for me. It's for those people back there, my family, my friends and... my wife.”
Adam was moving forward slowly now, for the first time he couldn't read Kris’ tone and he didn't understand what he was trying to say. There was something hidden beneath the words, some deep suggestion that he knew Kris was hoping Adam would just figure out.
“You saw Katy as well yeah?”
Kris nodded. “Yes. We all did... my Mum and Dad, and me and Katy we all talked about this and...”
“Talked about this? This what? You and me...”
“Yes.”
The anger had been so buried beneath the surface that it almost surprised Adam as it threatened to leave him. He could feel it building up under his skin, months of frustration and anger all directed in this one moment and it was balancing on the tip of the next words that left Kris' mouth and Adam could already hear them before they were even spoken.
“They think that it's because I was so far away from home... I didn't have that stability and I built up a different kind of family for myself here and I made you the main part of it because you the closest friend I have here. They think that I confused it for something else...”
“You are going to have to spell this out for me, Kris, because I think I get what you're saying to me here but I want to hear you fucking say it.”
Kris face still read no emotion. Adam couldn't be sure but he could see flickers of Kris trying to fight with it but it could have been anything - he could have been seeing that because he wanted to and not because it was real.
“I agree with them.”
Adam felt the breath leave his lungs as if he had been punched in the stomach and he had to fight with everything not to launch himself forward and retaliate back. He moved quickly stopping himself as he inched closer to Kris.
“You agree with them about what? Say it. Fucking say it Kris.”
“I was confused. About how I thought I felt about you...”
Adam felt his entire body give out from underneath him and his knees hit the floor with a crash and he closed his eyes. He had been so fucking stupid. He heard Kris' words on each phone call over the last few days in his mind and he should have known. The words had grown more distant with each day and he hadn't wanted to believe what he had feared all along.
“You don't love me?”
He heard Kris take a deep intake of breath and let it out slowly. “No.”
“But... I... you said that you loved me and I never... but you know I love you...”
“Adam...” There was a brief hint of pain in Kris' voice and then he seemed to remember himself and it was gone. “I do care about you... I never should have let it get this far. I'm so sor...”
Something snapped inside of Adam and he was up on his feet, a fistful of the fabric of Kris’ jacket in his hand, and he was throwing him against the first wall he could find. “Don't you dare say you're sorry, don't you fucking dare, Kris. Because all I've had from this is how sorry you are and it’s all bullshit. You aren't sorry. If you really cared about me you would never have treated me this way.”
Adam pushed Kris firmly against the wall one more time and then let go and turned his back before looking back to see Kris still with shock at Adam's outburst. “Did you know I was waiting for this moment? From that first time you told me you felt the same way I was waiting and waiting and then I let myself get convinced that maybe this time it was going to be different. And you know who convinced me of that? You. Is that what you wanted? To make me believe you loved me so you could break my fucking heart after you got what you wanted? Because that's what this was right? Just an experiment before you ran back to your perfect little life.”
Kris was shaking his head, his voice quite and barely audible and Adam had to move closer to understand. “That's not what...”
Adam shook his head. “You can't even justify it and you know why? Because it's all bullshit that's why. You weren't confused or missing stability or whatever crap you've let them make you believe. Your problem is that you are scared. You went back there and it was easy and safe and uncomplicated and it's easier to live like that than take a chance...”
“I love her Adam. I love Katy.”
“Fine. But you look me in the eye and actually tell me. I want to hear you say the words that you don't love me.”
Kris shook his head. “I don't want to hurt you anymore...”
Adam could feel the tears forming in his eyes, he could hear the sobs leaving him and he wanted to be stronger. He didn't want to be this way in front of Kris, he didn't want to be weak but something had left him and it was an unstoppable force.
“It's too late for that Kris. You've hurt me in every possible way and you did it all so easily. You are going to walk away from me and not look back and live your life and you won't care about the fact that you hurt someone so badly that you practically broke them. Is this what you fucking wanted?”
“No!”
“Then why did you even start it? Why make me believe you loved me if you never did. How can you hurt someone like this if you don't love them... oh... you don't love me. You don't love me.”
Adam felt his legs give way again and Kris was closing in on him, shutting the distance, and Adam's hands reached out in front of him to stop Kris. “Don't...”
Adam tried to calm his breathing, it was fast and ragged and sobs escaped every now and then and he hated the way his emotions were betraying him because he could feel Kris' eyes on him, desperate, still trying to reach out and be closer to Adam. But there was a brick wall between them now and Adam was done. There was no way he was letting Kris past it ever again. Time after time he had done just that and dealt with the pain that followed believing that in the end it would all be worthwhile and now the reality was facing him. It had left him with nothing. Rejection, blame and anger…he had taken them all from Kris, believing there was something more beneath it, believing Kris when he spoke words of love and promises and he should have trusted himself from the start because it had all been a lie.
His breathing had quieted and the silence that lingered between them seemed to go on forever. There was nothing else Adam needed to say and, yet ever the masochist, he didn't want Kris to leave because when he did, it sealed the change that had just occurred.
“Everything is going to be different now isn't it?” Kris sounded scared and unsure, a small amount compared to how Adam felt.
“Yes.”
He saw Kris nod out the corner of his eye. “After the tour I won't... I won't contact you. I won't try. I promise I'll stop hurting you now Adam. It's my last promise to you and I'll keep it this time. You'll be fine, you're stronger than you think you are... I only made...”
Adam didn't look as he heard the floor squeak under Kris' shoes, and he didn't look as he heard the door creak open. But then there was the sound of metal clanging on the kitchen counter and he saw Kris' hand lingering on top of the key, gripped tightly almost unable to let go and then it was falling and the door was closing as Kris left through it and Kris was gone and yet still everywhere around him.
.