life has changed so much in the past months. but one of the many good things that have taken place is my renewed faith. college has seemed to lost it's ever glowing light that i've always considered it to be. today i was just playing around and found myself on YWAM's website. i think that my urges for a child might have been misguided, maybe they ( Read more... )

so i know this is crazy, and weird, and stupid. and have no fear i do not plan on taking action on this anytime soon. but i want a babbbbby. i keep having prego dreams and everytime i see an ex (most of mine) with their baby and wife. agh i just want one. i cannot wait to grow up and have my own.

still in partial hospitalization, should be done this week, and back to school, yesss! It's funny thinking how long i've been gone, I have no idea what people are saying. But oh well. I have Ash and Ed. Two amazing people indeed.

Speaking of Ed, we are going to prommmm. He asked me, and last night we had a date. It was amazing. He stuck with me ( Read more... )

after OD-ing on chlorophin (taking 40 pills of a drug that was prescribed at .5 only when needed) i went to the ER ambulance style. they made me stay awake till 3 am then released me. next morning i let it slip that i regretted it not working. off to childrens, switched to adult 1600 (aka lockdown) at 230 am. got out of there to the 6400 ( ( Read more... )

i have came out of my room maybe four times in the past week, without counting school. i go to my room immediatly after, come out to eat, and return upstairs as soon as possible. i'm so sick of being alone and stuck in my bed, sleeping and crying. but i'm so scared to leave.

i am a mess.
i am a bitch.
i am sick.
i am mentally unstable.
i want a new tattoo.
i want to cause myself pain.
i want to forget.
i want to crawl under the covers and never come out.

i don't miss him. really. i don't. he was an ass. and mean. and i always felt stupid around him. i don't care he has a new girl who loves him. one who prob. doesn't drive him crazy the way i did. i'm glad he is happy. really. i am. im so happy for him. i am. really.

i, amanda loadman, am a fucking mess. the only things i love are the burn in my nose and throat after a good sleeping pill. testing how far i can push the blade into my skin. and fake boys telling me how pretty they think i am- without knowing how fucked up i am.

( Read more... )

just got home from kelsey's. it was very nice and fun. we walked around campus and then went back to her dorm. we colored and chatted for awhile, and then decided to watch a movie. we watched horton hears a who, and cuddled. it was really nice. then we hung out with trae while he finished work. then we all walked back and i left. it was a really ( Read more... )