*smites a random elf*

Thanks to this fucker and its kind, I was obligated to update the Processing Dept.'s webpage. People were grumbling about the fairness of not posting the new release forms and failing to label the old ones with warnings of, "WARNING, DEAD BASTARD: USING THIS FORM WILL RESULT IN REINCARNATION AS A RADISH OR WHATEVER THE HELL AMUSES ME AT THE TIME ( Read more... )

Exciting news for the whole Mandos staff. Dad's decided to cut our funding, ostensibly because his cable bill went up, but I'm sure everyone's heard about the incident with the mini-dwarves in his corned beef by now. Until he gets over it, bi-weekly paychecks will now only be redeemable at 7-11 for a dozen donuts and select varieties of Snapple ( Read more... )

About a third of the population of Aule's new mini-dwarves was wiped out by an errant vacuum cleaner last week, and lo and behold, the little fuckers have afterlives. Most of them have made their way into the pipes, looking for loose change. The rest are in my shampoo ( Read more... )

Where have I been?

I went to visit Melkor I in the Void a few months ago and accidentally locked the door behind me. Dad never fixed the intercom system he set up for Melkie to order pizza, and cell phones are worth shit in there. I've listened to more Bauhaus since October than either mortal or Maia could withstand ( Read more... )

My mun is a lazy fuck. She claims to need inspiration. So she's doing this instead of anything resembling an actual post. Stupid bint ( Read more... )

As everyone in fucking Arda knows by now, Dad took away our powers. Damn. I was pissed off when I first heard the news, I mean, I hadn't done anything. When my fuckup siblings kill hordes of mortal parasites, it's Vai and I who have to deal with them. The closest I've come to "abuse of power" was installing a soda machine in the lobby without ( Read more... )

The idiot little hairy rock-dwelling creatures have proven once and for all to be totally useless. The red-meat-off-the-bone fuckers apparently become vegetarians in the afterlife, and refuse to sell anything but tofu hot dogs. I despise tofu. You wouldn't believe how many sacrifices of tofu we got in the mid-'90s. A couple of firstborns here ( Read more... )

Dead fuckers of Arda, hear the sentence of your moved prince. Mandos has gone on much the same as it always has for thousands of years, with only minor system changes like the transfer of the parchment-and-blood forms to the digital resurrection processing and the installation of automated tapestry weaving machines. Since the dawn of time, things ( Read more... )

You fuckers probably want to start coming back to life now, right? Good news for you. We have the new form. Manwë wrote it himself on a bar napkin, so no clearance, red tape, or other pain in the ass upper-level forms. So, here you are, straight from the High King, the new Release Form. Keep in mind that many may or may not be trick questions ( Read more... )