The thing I like the most about my shopping list is that it proves that I am normal. Some head-cases out there say that it is "crazy" to think you have to prove you aren't insane. But I say fuck that, if you can't prove you aren't insane, you are insane ( Read more... )

It bothers me when I am eating a sandwich and I realize that I am holding it with the upside facing down. The upside is supposed to face up, I would always chide myself. The chiding is supposed to be a form of defense against future offense, but it never really accomplishes much. Also, my only systematic approach to combating upside down eating ( Read more... )

I finally got a mirror to put in my shower so that I can smile at myself while soapin' up. It was getting annoying spending that ten minutes away from my image, you know? And that's when it hit me. Probably 85% of the population (more?) doesn't have the luxury of looking into a mirror and seeing Luke Edmondson smiling back at them ( Read more... )

I know that at one point in their lives, everyone has thought "can we seriously not make some kind of machine that will peel this boiled egg for me?" And now I'm saying it. I've been there all too often, meticulously pulling off every little bit of eggshell, wasting my time and every once in a while I think I've got it going, only to pull off a ( Read more... )

Well, it took me 22 years, but I have finally decided what my final wishes are wish is. That's right, I am not one of those "multiple wish guys." I want something that symbolizes everything I stand for: justice, meekness, truth, humility, physical attractiveness and modesty ( Read more... )

This is kind of embarrassing, but I got kicked out of Beechwood Theater about thirty minutes ago. Actually, fuck that, I'm not embarrassed, I'm irate. I'm irate because some bitch sitting next to me ratted me out ( Read more... )

I haven't applied deodorant to my underarms or bathed in weeks. Two weeks, if my calendar is correct. Why would he do/say publicly such a thing as this, you may wonder. Well, it is because I have been at Puritan Camp for the last fortnight, where there is no deodorant, no running water, no salvation except through Christ, no electricity, monthly ( Read more... )

Well, the temperatures are rising again, so it seems as though I'm going to have to start applying deodorant again. But this annual, 8 month sacrifice of 5-10 seconds every morning always reminds me of the american dream that I am working for: to be the boss so that I don't have to wear deodorant ever again, no matter how bad I smell ( Read more... )

I walked in with a confident air to talk to the interview lady. Instead of shaking her hand I walked up to her, got real close, and unbuttoned the first three buttons of my shirt and said ( Read more... )

I went in the other day to pick up my professor recommendation forms for medical school. The pleasant lady there gave me 5 of them. "Four are for your science professors. The non-science one is just to make you look well-rounded," she explained. And so I said, "I think the potato chips have me covered."

( Read more... )