"So you've got a busy night tonight and tomorrow night. Maybe I'll see you Sunday?"

"Maybe." Pause. "I mean, we got here kind of because of school and kind of because you started shutting down." Shrug.

"Oh, so it's my fault I never see you?"

O_O

0 to 100. That's what it's like lately.

- - - - -

From my own work, and my own processing perspective; 
( Read more... )

Before running off to get a massage I need to try and focus.

On another "Why?"

I feel angry and unappreciated, and a little bit done.

Why am I angry? Is it because I feel unappreciated? Some walking around the house getting ready let my mind wander nearer to the idea that it has to do with effort and trying.

I often try and push. I'm a pusher. I'm ( Read more... )

Hearing what people are really saying is hard.

Taking people at their word is hard.

Do you really know what you need? Are you trying to manipulate me and work your way into getting something else by saying "No, don't bother..."

First off, I hate people that do the later. It makes me so confused. I then take every no as yes and every yes as "I guess ( Read more... )

A lot of brooding and blaming going on in my head.

I am able to find space to step beside it, but finding it really hard to quell the storm at times.

The facts: I'm back to working full time, and on top of that I have all of the additional working out (yay! I actually really enjoy it) and social things (DnD, some of the workouts, book club, wine ( Read more... )

So, being back to full busy is not going as well as I would hope, but definitely as well as I thought.

This is another time where brain to page connection is lacking... The books say to try and write from the heart as if no one is listening, but I've trained myself to talk to an audience my entire life.

Lately, the audience needs to hear how I'm ( Read more... )

So there are two things I know right now.

1) Marriage is hard
2) No matter how hard you try, trauma still keeps track of you

I think that my current emotional state is related to hormones. Let's just go with that and follow this for a bit without hooking on too many things. I'm needy, I'm extra, I'm go go go.

Anytime I get like this I get very ( Read more... )

33rd year of life, 3rd year of marriage.

5th year of being a professional, 1st or second year without family ties.

That last one is the one that hits home right this second.

Alright, let's pause for a second.

I post here inconsistently without any real direction, feeling a need to fill a void sometimes or a need to spew my excessive thoughts and ( Read more... )

I hardly remember what I posted last.

I continue to circle the drain.

I did have a session with my therapist in regards to it because, well, am I okay? A lot of times she just looks and me and in a therapist type way says well, duh. You're fine. Your history tells you you're not because these brainways have led to dark places. Your brain tells you ( Read more... )

Seeking connection, feeling connection, responding to connection.

I am heavily feeling the weight of all of that right now.

Lately instead of fully entering a depressive state, I feel I partake in what I would call "circling the drain."

I feel the pull. I hear the old thoughts. I get the same urges to hook into the thoughts and spiral down, down, ( Read more... )

I am feeling lonely today.

Going to try and break this down and expand it...

I am feeling isolated and judged for the boundaries that I hold. Our society is toxic and breeds toxicity, and therefore by going against the grain I feel disconnected.

Isolated, lonely, disconnected.

I am not these clouds, I am the sky.

It still hurts though. Like a ( Read more... )