Wrist-Cut Show Chapter Five
It's been eight months and I finally finished another chapter!
Lost?:
Prologue
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Interlude
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight *new*
Wrist-Cut Show
Chapter Five
:-:-:
A memory, a fingerprint on your mind
Unable to erase the identity of your error
Momentary pleasure, permanent sin
:-:-:
The morning dawned upon the sleeping faces of Shinya and Toshiya. The light passed peacefully onto their slumbering bodies as the night slid away into day. Somewhere, in the distance, the sounds of the city began to grow louder. A hum, a thump, endlessly repeating somewhere, a heartbeat. Shinya woke to that sound gently caressing him into awareness. He felt drained beyond comparison, a part of him taken away in the night without his knowledge. He found his fingers gripping tightly onto cloth, smooth and unresisting, and his face buried in a warm embrace, raven locks tinted with blue. Despite the tranquility to which he had arisen, a forbidding sense of calamity had settled deep into his bones. He slowly opened his weary eyes, long eyelashes fluttering.
"Toshiya, what's going on?" He murmured faintly, his voice, though terribly small, resounded noisily through the quiet room. He pulled his somnolent body up in an attempt to assess the situation, but a thin pair of arms wrapped tightly around his waist and easily pulled him back down.
"Let's sleep more..." Toshiya complained groggily, tugging the slim brunette back into his arms. He did not see the fearful look that had settled onto Shinya’s face or the tinge of anxiety that tainted his eyes.
Shinya had taken a moment to notice the mess scattered across his room, the clothes strewn, items scattered and smashed, makeup leaking onto his clean carpet before he let out a little shriek.
"Toshiya!" He screeched accusingly and quickly pried himself out of Toshiya's arms. "Who made all this mess?"
Without hesitation Shinya scrambled out of bed, and got down on his knees on the carpet, gathering up the shattered items in a desperate attempt to rearrange them into some semblance of organization.
"Dontcha remember?" Toshiya slurred lazily, yawning widely and rubbing as his eyes with no guilt whatsoever.
Shinya looked at him incredulously, unable to grasp Toshiya’s complete negligence. "Was this you? Is this how you got into my bed last night?" the hysterical brunette accused, his eyes narrowed.
Toshiya let out a little laugh which caused Shinya to pout cutely. Inside Toshiya was actually rather worried. If Shinya couldn’t recall what exactly had happened, then he had had a worse attack than Toshiya had realized. He took a moment to gaze at Shinya’s face, smeared with makeup and dried tears, staring at him with blame.
“So, you caught me. I had to have you though, baby.” Toshiya answered, leaning forward off the bed to haul Shinya back onto it.
“You’re just so damn beautiful.” Toshiya completed this deception with a quick kiss to Shinya’s lips and a toothy grin. “But I’ll clean it up for you after we get back from school, how about it?”
In the meantime, Toshiya needed to convince Kyo that he needed to go to school with Shinya before Shinya worried about that too. However, that turned out to be a harder task than he thought.
“I’m not going anywhere.” Kyo grumbled when asked. He ignored Toshiya’s annoyed look and lit up a cigarette. Kyo was currently too busy sitting grumpily on his bed and staring into space. The last thing he wanted to do was to go to school today.
Toshiya looked very exasperated, running a hand back through his hair and putting on a frustrated frown. “Kyo…Shinya can’t handle this right now. Please, you upset him enough last night,” Toshiya pleaded, but it clearly wasn’t getting through to the contemptuous teenager.
Instead, Kyo’s eyes snapped to glare at Toshiya in an incredulous look. “I upset him?” He didn’t want to deal with these people. He stood, brushing roughly past Toshiya.
Toshiya gritted his teeth angrily. No matter how cute Kyo happened to be, it didn’t mean that Kyo could be such a jackass to him and especially not to Shinya. Toshiya was really starting to dislike Kyo and he wondered for a moment what would have happened if he hadn’t picked up the jerk and just let him wander off. Perhaps he would have never found his way here and they wouldn’t have to deal with him. Nonetheless, Toshiya had it with the asshole. He was leaving. He’d deal with Shinya later.
:-:-:
Kyo was rather annoyed, no more than that…Kyo was really pissed. More pissed than his foster parents that one day when he’d been forced into some catholic private school and had broken so many of their goddamn rules that he had gotten expelled before all his paper work had been properly filed. The reason for this anger was that all it took to have his determination and ‘fuck you’ attitude destroyed was Shinya’s trembling lips and watery, terror-stricken eyes as the young transvestite pleaded with Kyo to come to school. Once Kyo made a decision, he stuck with it, whether or not it was a stupid choice. He had already decided to give up this school bullshit, but he had let Shinya's feminine looks ruin all that and it really ticked him off.
Toshiya had driven off soon after their argument, leaving Shinya and Kyo alone to make it to the train station. Neither Shinya nor Kyo had said a word about the previous night’s events and it was obvious that neither one of them intended to. They had skipped breakfast, which hardly bothered Kyo, but he couldn't help but think that Shinya purposely avoided eating sometimes when he was feeling upset.
"We better leave soon. You...you should put this on." Shinya mentioned in a deadened voice. He held in his hands his school uniform, a rather constricting outfit that consisted of dark slacks, a white collared shirt and a dark jacket of semi-quality material.
Kyo scowled, but did not refuse to take it. Shinya had begged him to try school just for one day, one fucking day, and then he'd be outta school for good. Maybe he'd spend his days wandering around the city, writing songs and finally finding himself a band.
With this concession, he retreated to his room to put on the offending items. As he haphazardly yanked the jacket off the hanger, a piece of paper fluttered to the ground. Slightly curious, Kyo picked it up and began to read:
In keeping with the Seidou school rules and traditions of our ancestors, students should please adhere to the following conditions in which this uniform must be worn:
1. All parts of the uniform should be kept clean and free of stains and dirt.
2. All buttons on the shirt should be buttoned with the excluding the first one if the student is not required to look professional.
3. No piercings allowed except for female students in the traditional style
4. No excessive jewelry (three or more items is deemed excessive)
5. Hair should not be dyed unnatural colors and for male students must not be longer than the chin
“What a bunch of pricks.” Kyo grumbled and crumpled up the list, throwing it on the floor. The list extended on way past Kyo’s attention span and he didn’t much care for rules.
He pulled the pants on and buttoned up his shirt halfway, tugging his jacket onto his shoulders. He glanced in the mirror, noting with seditious amusement the glint of the many piercings that adorned his ears and face and he took the extra minute to spike his unnaturally orange hair. He was sure that he could get himself kicked out of this dumb school if they were just that picky about the uniforms.
Kyo emerged from his room, expecting to see Shinya waiting for him in some cute school girl outfit but was surprised to find himself disappointed when he found Shinya to be wearing the same uniform as him, his hair piled precariously on his head so that not one auburn lock hung below his chin.
“So, you’re only a drag queen on the weekends?” Kyo found himself taunting, with a bit more venom than he intended.
“They threatened to expel me,” came Shinya’s timid response and Kyo felt an ache that was steadily growing familiar, the uncomfortable pang he felt when he saw hurt in Shinya’s desolate eyes. However, he tried to ignore it.
An uncomfortable silence grew and Kyo grunted in annoyance before Shinya mentioned lightly that they should probably get going. On the walk to the train station, Kyo saw many similar teenagers dressed in the same uniform as him, but none greeted or even seemed to notice Shinya. Kyo began to get the feeling that Shinya did not have many friends at this school.
Ten minutes later, they arrived at the hectic station. As they boarded many other students jostled and hurried around them. It was crowded and since Kyo and Shinya were not among the first to board, they were forced to stand among the pack. Kyo hardly minded though. What he was uncomfortable with was the hot press of bodies around him and the fact that he could not separate himself from them.
His mind began to wander as he attempted to ignore the chattering girls that formed a barricade around him. The wounds on his arms felt raw today, after all he had not cut them for quite some time. He always felt incomplete afterwards, ashamed that he had not the courage to cut deeper, just as his mother had once done, and finally join her.
He was startled from his thoughts by the feeling of someone gripping his arm. His teeth gritted and he prepared to let out a few choice words for the perpetrator, but he found that it had been Shinya’s doing after all. The boy looked absolutely pale, as though he were suffocating and there was a panicked look in his eyes. Kyo’s anger faded and he let Shinya’s hand stay where it was, but he would not comfort the boy. He wasn’t going to let himself care for Shinya.
A few minutes later as he felt Shinya grow increasingly uneasy beside him, the train came to a stop in an even busier section of the city than before. All the students hurried to get off and Shinya was just as anxious as the others.
From the train station it was just another five minutes till they reached the entrance of the prestigious Seidou high, which from he had gathered from measuring up the students, was that it was not just any old high school. The building itself looked rather overdone. It was three stories with highly artistic and modern architecture, a large courtyard in the front that looked odd to be a spot of green in the middle of the city. However, Kyo was not impressed by it. In fact, his first emotion upon its sight was disdain.
The mass of students surged into the courtyard and some began to flow steadily inside the building. Shinya lead Kyo silently through the doors and slowly into the pristine hallways.
“I have to take you to the headmaster’s office.” Shinya stated, somewhat unnecessarily. Kyo had already assumed as much.
They stopped in the entrance room, where a bunch of small 40 by 30 cm lockers were stacked. Shinya opened his and pulled out a pair of worn shoes that matched his uniform. He also pulled a pair of new ones from the hand bag he carried and handed them to Kyo. They both changed their shoes silently and put the shoes they had walked in into Shinya's locker before proceeding from the entrance room.
The main office was located on the first floor, the first doorway upon entering the main hallway. Kyo was not particularly looking forward to this event. He was never well received by teachers or administrators. Many of them were traditionalists that despised the modern and the 'punk' as he had been labeled many times. They always viewed him with suspicion. Yeah, he might be some ungrateful, worthless, ugly bastard, but it's not like he cared enough about anything around him to ever cause any trouble.
It was typical routine, a warning about his appearance and class information. Only ten minutes later and he found himself in his 'homeroom'. He was in class 2-D and he almost was disappointed to discover that Shinya was in class 2-A. Not that he minded being alone. It might actually be better because then he couldn't be guilted into paying attention.
He stood in front of the class, their eyes watching him curiously as the teacher introduced him. Without much drama, the class started and he was seated in the back near some empty desks.
His eyes began to wander to the students around him as the class began. They all seemed to be rather boring, ordinary, happy students, the kind that he hated the most. The first fifteen minutes were completely silent except for the teacher's annoying lecture, that is until the door was slammed open and in strolled the first interesting guy Kyo had seen all day.
The boy was quite tall, with long legs and an unusual gait at which he strode nonchalantly across the room. His hair was red, long and could only come from some visual kei freakshow. Not only that, but instead of the standard white collar shirt underneath his jacket he was wearing a faded AC/DC shirt. It wasn't like Kyo liked him, in fact the boy's attitude had bugged him from the minute that he had walked in, but he was interesting, enough to warrant a glance from Kyo.
"Ando Daisuke," came the indignant voice of the teacher. "Haven't seen you since last Tuesday. And you're still breaking the dress code, I see."
"Sorry," the boy said with a wide grin, "I know you missed my pretty face."
"Take you seat, Ando." the teacher rebuked with frustration. (Kyo could see just a tinge of a smile on his lips).
"It's Die..." This 'Die' walked triumphantly to his seat, right in front of Kyo.
Unfortunately, the rest of the class passed uneventfully. The redhead in front of him snoozed it away and Kyo soon forgot about his ridiculous display. Instead, Kyo had pulled out his notebook and scribbled a few words that had come to his mind:
Suicide is the proof of life
:-:-:
A different sort of loneliness had overcome him, a sinking, drowning despair. Dripping in anguished wretchedness and choking, trying to breath and trying to grasp onto something that he didn’t even know yet. It would not leave him be, but he could not reach out and discover what it was that tormented him so.
It was this, something hidden inside this, a dripping crimson blade clenched in his pale hands and a distant laugh of happiness. Beautiful lips that he longed to trace, red and full, resisting him. He wanted to slash them, cut, rip, destroy that beauty. If he could not become that beauty than he would demolish it, obliterate it, erase it completely from existence. He would drown the world in crimson sakura petals, drench it in his tears of blood.
Auburn hair, tendrils that curled and formed against pale, wretchedly beautiful skin. Eyes of purest sin that claimed virtue and a smell of spring, of sitting beneath sakura trees drinking green tea in festive kimonos with fake laughs and pretty painted lips that beckoned to be kissed. Shinya, surrounded in such petals, such violent innocence that silently claimed a higher status. Kyo approached, following the path of fallen blooms that smashed underneath his feet. Each painful step took him closer towards the quivering, insufferably desire that was threatening to overcome him.
“You can’t ever be like me,” Shinya’s lips spoke. “And you can’t ever have me...”
The blade in Kyo’s shaking hand continued to shed crimson blossoms which drifted and seeped into the earth below his feet. A new feeling, a new desire. His whole body screamed for him to slit that beautiful throat, to silence those words and deaden them forever. Yet instead he felt the blade turning back, pressing against his wrists and his lips moved, shaping the words and endlessly repeating 'Suicide is the proof of life'.
:-:-:
"Dude, you slept longer than I did," came a rather irritating voice in Kyo's ear. "It's already lunch."
Kyo's eyes snapped open to see that redhead's face looking at him inquisitively. Kyo grunted crossly and lifted his head off the desk.
"You must be new. What's your name?" Die inquired, sitting himself down backwards in his chair so that he could watch Kyo.
"Fuck off..." Kyo muttered without much thought and stood up. He felt stiff and he needed a smoke, badly. He didn't have time to chat with this idiot. This 'making friends' thing wasn’t even worth it if he wasn't going to be here for that long.
"Kyo..." he heard another voice call for him. He turned his head to see Shinya peeking into the classroom, looking rather anxious about something.
"Ah, Kyo is your name." Die exclaimed gleefully. He was now peering at Kyo with an even more interested look, as though he were trying to measure something up. "So, you're friends with Shinya, eh?"
Kyo could see the gears turning in Die's head. He probably knew Shinya was a fag and presumed that Kyo was one too. Not that Die had been the first one to assume that, but Kyo would rather not have the trouble that usually went along with that, so he was going to dispel what ever assumptions that Die was coming to now.
"We're not friends." Kyo said coldly, loud enough that Shinya heard too. Kyo didn't care what Shinya thought of him. It didn't matter; he probably wouldn't even be knowing him for a month.
Kyo stood from his seat and walked out the door, brushing against Shinya and making sure not to look into his eyes. He needed to find someplace alone, away from the confining walls of futility. He needed to smoke, damn it...
The bell rang, signaling the day's end. Kyo was still out on the roof. He had a lit cigarette in his hand and he was staring vacantly out at the noisy streets below. He hated this city, this filth, the waste that walked by pretending to be human. It was all bare, measureless and stretching on to perpetuity, the emptiest place he had ever seen. It was in the meaningless gestures, fake smiles, the little white lies. There was something hidden there, something inherently wrong, something he couldn’t name. He needed something. He needed an escape route. Not just from this city, from the people, from the world, but from himself. He wanted to escape his mind, his thoughts and his unworthiness he could feel festering in his heart like a spider of guilt crawling through his veins.
The children were milling out in droves below him. Some were laughing loudly, groups of giggling girls, a group of guys talking, their voices muffled by the time they reached Kyo on the roof. He watched them with disgust. They propagated this lie of happiness and pinned him an outcast in this world.
Time passed as the crowd thinned out, only leaving a few stragglers behind. They all had somewhere to go, a home to return to, expectations and responsibilities. He had nothing but himself and a dozen foster parents who had rejected him because of some flaw or another that had made him a 'difficulty'.
His cigarette dropped to the ground and he smashed it beneath his foot. He wondered momentarily where Shinya was and how badly he was freaking out because he could not find Kyo. However, the concern did not last long.
Kyo pulled up his sleeve and gazed at the angry red lines on his skin. He knew he was pathetic. He knew it did nothing, all the things he did would not bring him closer to a meaning. After all, there was no meaning, no meaning at all for all eternity. He was just here because it happened, not because he had been wanted or because he was supposed to do something in his life. People who believed in those things were in denial, they were covering up the truth in order to keep those happy smiles on their faces. But deep down, everyone can feel it, a little itching in their heart telling that something is inherently missing.
Kyo took a step closer toward the ledge that separated him from the ground three floors below. He wondered how much it would hurt. Could it kill him? Without really thinking about it, he climbed up onto the ledge. He could see the city better this way. It was probably around four o'clock, people were passing by. He watched them, an odd grin on his face.
No one was looking. No one to stop him. He could jump if he wanted to and once he did there would be no going back, no stopping because of cowardice like all the times before. How many breaths would it take until he reached the cement? How many more times would he have to blink, staring out at this deadened world?
"You know you'll fall if you're not careful." came a male voice from behind him.
Startled, Kyo swirled around to look, but the slippery stone beneath his feet caused him to loose balance. He felt himself tip backwards, gravity gradually pulling him along.
A rough tug on his shirt and he was pulled forward again by a man with startlingly purple hair and a grim look on his face.
"That was a close one. Guess I saved you though." the man stated rather casually as he helped (more like pulled) Kyo off the ledge and back onto the roof.
Kyo snorted in annoyance. "I wouldn't have slipped if you hadn't have said anything and just minded your own damn business." he responded venomously.
The man gave him a skeptical look. "So you were just up there to get a better look?" he asked sarcastically.
Kyo shoved roughly past the jackass, he couldn't believe he had been interrupted by such a prick, and he headed for the door inside.
"It's none of your fucking business." he replied, angrily.
Much to his surprise the man would not just leave it at that. He grabbed Kyo, this time from behind and turned him around, forcing Kyo to look at him. Kyo noted that the man could not have been older than him by at most a few years.
"It's my damn business when I come here to pick up a friend and I see some kid about to jump off a roof. I'd rather not have his death on my conscious for the rest of my life, thank you very much."
Kyo struggled out from his grip. "Fine, I'll just go somewhere with less dickheads to get in my way."
"Oh, no you don't." the man said, "I'm involved whether you like it or not. I'm taking you with me."
"Going to turn me into the police, take me to some fucking hospital?! They've already tried that and it didn't work. Let me go, you motherfucking bastard."
Kyo could feel anger consuming his vision. He didn't want to be fucking looked over, to be asked questions, how he was feeling, asking him 'why?'. They always asked him 'why' and he didn't know the fucking answer. They would never just leave him alone.
"No, I'm not going to tell anyone. I don't care that much. You're coming home with me until I can figure out who your parents are and can get them to come take you home, so that I at least can sleep tonight."
"What, are you going to rape me, I bet that's what a demented prick like you would do..." Kyo grumbled under his breath. He was angry, but he knew this asshole wouldn't leave him alone until he made some concession. Besides, he didn't want to go 'home'. If this jackass tried to rape him, it wouldn't be anything new. He was used to strangers, he lived with strangers all his life. He was trusted to strangers, forced to be dependent on them.
Kyo pulled out another cigarette from his pack and sighed when he found it to be the last one.
"As long as we pick up a pack on the way, I don't care where the hell you take me."
:-:-:
I hate the way you look at me
As though your eyes can tell my flaws
I feel naked around you
Unable to cover my ugliness
Being raped and not even knowing why
:-:-:
Lost?:
Prologue
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Interlude
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight *new*
Wrist-Cut Show
Chapter Five
:-:-:
A memory, a fingerprint on your mind
Unable to erase the identity of your error
Momentary pleasure, permanent sin
:-:-:
The morning dawned upon the sleeping faces of Shinya and Toshiya. The light passed peacefully onto their slumbering bodies as the night slid away into day. Somewhere, in the distance, the sounds of the city began to grow louder. A hum, a thump, endlessly repeating somewhere, a heartbeat. Shinya woke to that sound gently caressing him into awareness. He felt drained beyond comparison, a part of him taken away in the night without his knowledge. He found his fingers gripping tightly onto cloth, smooth and unresisting, and his face buried in a warm embrace, raven locks tinted with blue. Despite the tranquility to which he had arisen, a forbidding sense of calamity had settled deep into his bones. He slowly opened his weary eyes, long eyelashes fluttering.
"Toshiya, what's going on?" He murmured faintly, his voice, though terribly small, resounded noisily through the quiet room. He pulled his somnolent body up in an attempt to assess the situation, but a thin pair of arms wrapped tightly around his waist and easily pulled him back down.
"Let's sleep more..." Toshiya complained groggily, tugging the slim brunette back into his arms. He did not see the fearful look that had settled onto Shinya’s face or the tinge of anxiety that tainted his eyes.
Shinya had taken a moment to notice the mess scattered across his room, the clothes strewn, items scattered and smashed, makeup leaking onto his clean carpet before he let out a little shriek.
"Toshiya!" He screeched accusingly and quickly pried himself out of Toshiya's arms. "Who made all this mess?"
Without hesitation Shinya scrambled out of bed, and got down on his knees on the carpet, gathering up the shattered items in a desperate attempt to rearrange them into some semblance of organization.
"Dontcha remember?" Toshiya slurred lazily, yawning widely and rubbing as his eyes with no guilt whatsoever.
Shinya looked at him incredulously, unable to grasp Toshiya’s complete negligence. "Was this you? Is this how you got into my bed last night?" the hysterical brunette accused, his eyes narrowed.
Toshiya let out a little laugh which caused Shinya to pout cutely. Inside Toshiya was actually rather worried. If Shinya couldn’t recall what exactly had happened, then he had had a worse attack than Toshiya had realized. He took a moment to gaze at Shinya’s face, smeared with makeup and dried tears, staring at him with blame.
“So, you caught me. I had to have you though, baby.” Toshiya answered, leaning forward off the bed to haul Shinya back onto it.
“You’re just so damn beautiful.” Toshiya completed this deception with a quick kiss to Shinya’s lips and a toothy grin. “But I’ll clean it up for you after we get back from school, how about it?”
In the meantime, Toshiya needed to convince Kyo that he needed to go to school with Shinya before Shinya worried about that too. However, that turned out to be a harder task than he thought.
“I’m not going anywhere.” Kyo grumbled when asked. He ignored Toshiya’s annoyed look and lit up a cigarette. Kyo was currently too busy sitting grumpily on his bed and staring into space. The last thing he wanted to do was to go to school today.
Toshiya looked very exasperated, running a hand back through his hair and putting on a frustrated frown. “Kyo…Shinya can’t handle this right now. Please, you upset him enough last night,” Toshiya pleaded, but it clearly wasn’t getting through to the contemptuous teenager.
Instead, Kyo’s eyes snapped to glare at Toshiya in an incredulous look. “I upset him?” He didn’t want to deal with these people. He stood, brushing roughly past Toshiya.
Toshiya gritted his teeth angrily. No matter how cute Kyo happened to be, it didn’t mean that Kyo could be such a jackass to him and especially not to Shinya. Toshiya was really starting to dislike Kyo and he wondered for a moment what would have happened if he hadn’t picked up the jerk and just let him wander off. Perhaps he would have never found his way here and they wouldn’t have to deal with him. Nonetheless, Toshiya had it with the asshole. He was leaving. He’d deal with Shinya later.
:-:-:
Kyo was rather annoyed, no more than that…Kyo was really pissed. More pissed than his foster parents that one day when he’d been forced into some catholic private school and had broken so many of their goddamn rules that he had gotten expelled before all his paper work had been properly filed. The reason for this anger was that all it took to have his determination and ‘fuck you’ attitude destroyed was Shinya’s trembling lips and watery, terror-stricken eyes as the young transvestite pleaded with Kyo to come to school. Once Kyo made a decision, he stuck with it, whether or not it was a stupid choice. He had already decided to give up this school bullshit, but he had let Shinya's feminine looks ruin all that and it really ticked him off.
Toshiya had driven off soon after their argument, leaving Shinya and Kyo alone to make it to the train station. Neither Shinya nor Kyo had said a word about the previous night’s events and it was obvious that neither one of them intended to. They had skipped breakfast, which hardly bothered Kyo, but he couldn't help but think that Shinya purposely avoided eating sometimes when he was feeling upset.
"We better leave soon. You...you should put this on." Shinya mentioned in a deadened voice. He held in his hands his school uniform, a rather constricting outfit that consisted of dark slacks, a white collared shirt and a dark jacket of semi-quality material.
Kyo scowled, but did not refuse to take it. Shinya had begged him to try school just for one day, one fucking day, and then he'd be outta school for good. Maybe he'd spend his days wandering around the city, writing songs and finally finding himself a band.
With this concession, he retreated to his room to put on the offending items. As he haphazardly yanked the jacket off the hanger, a piece of paper fluttered to the ground. Slightly curious, Kyo picked it up and began to read:
In keeping with the Seidou school rules and traditions of our ancestors, students should please adhere to the following conditions in which this uniform must be worn:
1. All parts of the uniform should be kept clean and free of stains and dirt.
2. All buttons on the shirt should be buttoned with the excluding the first one if the student is not required to look professional.
3. No piercings allowed except for female students in the traditional style
4. No excessive jewelry (three or more items is deemed excessive)
5. Hair should not be dyed unnatural colors and for male students must not be longer than the chin
“What a bunch of pricks.” Kyo grumbled and crumpled up the list, throwing it on the floor. The list extended on way past Kyo’s attention span and he didn’t much care for rules.
He pulled the pants on and buttoned up his shirt halfway, tugging his jacket onto his shoulders. He glanced in the mirror, noting with seditious amusement the glint of the many piercings that adorned his ears and face and he took the extra minute to spike his unnaturally orange hair. He was sure that he could get himself kicked out of this dumb school if they were just that picky about the uniforms.
Kyo emerged from his room, expecting to see Shinya waiting for him in some cute school girl outfit but was surprised to find himself disappointed when he found Shinya to be wearing the same uniform as him, his hair piled precariously on his head so that not one auburn lock hung below his chin.
“So, you’re only a drag queen on the weekends?” Kyo found himself taunting, with a bit more venom than he intended.
“They threatened to expel me,” came Shinya’s timid response and Kyo felt an ache that was steadily growing familiar, the uncomfortable pang he felt when he saw hurt in Shinya’s desolate eyes. However, he tried to ignore it.
An uncomfortable silence grew and Kyo grunted in annoyance before Shinya mentioned lightly that they should probably get going. On the walk to the train station, Kyo saw many similar teenagers dressed in the same uniform as him, but none greeted or even seemed to notice Shinya. Kyo began to get the feeling that Shinya did not have many friends at this school.
Ten minutes later, they arrived at the hectic station. As they boarded many other students jostled and hurried around them. It was crowded and since Kyo and Shinya were not among the first to board, they were forced to stand among the pack. Kyo hardly minded though. What he was uncomfortable with was the hot press of bodies around him and the fact that he could not separate himself from them.
His mind began to wander as he attempted to ignore the chattering girls that formed a barricade around him. The wounds on his arms felt raw today, after all he had not cut them for quite some time. He always felt incomplete afterwards, ashamed that he had not the courage to cut deeper, just as his mother had once done, and finally join her.
He was startled from his thoughts by the feeling of someone gripping his arm. His teeth gritted and he prepared to let out a few choice words for the perpetrator, but he found that it had been Shinya’s doing after all. The boy looked absolutely pale, as though he were suffocating and there was a panicked look in his eyes. Kyo’s anger faded and he let Shinya’s hand stay where it was, but he would not comfort the boy. He wasn’t going to let himself care for Shinya.
A few minutes later as he felt Shinya grow increasingly uneasy beside him, the train came to a stop in an even busier section of the city than before. All the students hurried to get off and Shinya was just as anxious as the others.
From the train station it was just another five minutes till they reached the entrance of the prestigious Seidou high, which from he had gathered from measuring up the students, was that it was not just any old high school. The building itself looked rather overdone. It was three stories with highly artistic and modern architecture, a large courtyard in the front that looked odd to be a spot of green in the middle of the city. However, Kyo was not impressed by it. In fact, his first emotion upon its sight was disdain.
The mass of students surged into the courtyard and some began to flow steadily inside the building. Shinya lead Kyo silently through the doors and slowly into the pristine hallways.
“I have to take you to the headmaster’s office.” Shinya stated, somewhat unnecessarily. Kyo had already assumed as much.
They stopped in the entrance room, where a bunch of small 40 by 30 cm lockers were stacked. Shinya opened his and pulled out a pair of worn shoes that matched his uniform. He also pulled a pair of new ones from the hand bag he carried and handed them to Kyo. They both changed their shoes silently and put the shoes they had walked in into Shinya's locker before proceeding from the entrance room.
The main office was located on the first floor, the first doorway upon entering the main hallway. Kyo was not particularly looking forward to this event. He was never well received by teachers or administrators. Many of them were traditionalists that despised the modern and the 'punk' as he had been labeled many times. They always viewed him with suspicion. Yeah, he might be some ungrateful, worthless, ugly bastard, but it's not like he cared enough about anything around him to ever cause any trouble.
It was typical routine, a warning about his appearance and class information. Only ten minutes later and he found himself in his 'homeroom'. He was in class 2-D and he almost was disappointed to discover that Shinya was in class 2-A. Not that he minded being alone. It might actually be better because then he couldn't be guilted into paying attention.
He stood in front of the class, their eyes watching him curiously as the teacher introduced him. Without much drama, the class started and he was seated in the back near some empty desks.
His eyes began to wander to the students around him as the class began. They all seemed to be rather boring, ordinary, happy students, the kind that he hated the most. The first fifteen minutes were completely silent except for the teacher's annoying lecture, that is until the door was slammed open and in strolled the first interesting guy Kyo had seen all day.
The boy was quite tall, with long legs and an unusual gait at which he strode nonchalantly across the room. His hair was red, long and could only come from some visual kei freakshow. Not only that, but instead of the standard white collar shirt underneath his jacket he was wearing a faded AC/DC shirt. It wasn't like Kyo liked him, in fact the boy's attitude had bugged him from the minute that he had walked in, but he was interesting, enough to warrant a glance from Kyo.
"Ando Daisuke," came the indignant voice of the teacher. "Haven't seen you since last Tuesday. And you're still breaking the dress code, I see."
"Sorry," the boy said with a wide grin, "I know you missed my pretty face."
"Take you seat, Ando." the teacher rebuked with frustration. (Kyo could see just a tinge of a smile on his lips).
"It's Die..." This 'Die' walked triumphantly to his seat, right in front of Kyo.
Unfortunately, the rest of the class passed uneventfully. The redhead in front of him snoozed it away and Kyo soon forgot about his ridiculous display. Instead, Kyo had pulled out his notebook and scribbled a few words that had come to his mind:
Suicide is the proof of life
:-:-:
A different sort of loneliness had overcome him, a sinking, drowning despair. Dripping in anguished wretchedness and choking, trying to breath and trying to grasp onto something that he didn’t even know yet. It would not leave him be, but he could not reach out and discover what it was that tormented him so.
It was this, something hidden inside this, a dripping crimson blade clenched in his pale hands and a distant laugh of happiness. Beautiful lips that he longed to trace, red and full, resisting him. He wanted to slash them, cut, rip, destroy that beauty. If he could not become that beauty than he would demolish it, obliterate it, erase it completely from existence. He would drown the world in crimson sakura petals, drench it in his tears of blood.
Auburn hair, tendrils that curled and formed against pale, wretchedly beautiful skin. Eyes of purest sin that claimed virtue and a smell of spring, of sitting beneath sakura trees drinking green tea in festive kimonos with fake laughs and pretty painted lips that beckoned to be kissed. Shinya, surrounded in such petals, such violent innocence that silently claimed a higher status. Kyo approached, following the path of fallen blooms that smashed underneath his feet. Each painful step took him closer towards the quivering, insufferably desire that was threatening to overcome him.
“You can’t ever be like me,” Shinya’s lips spoke. “And you can’t ever have me...”
The blade in Kyo’s shaking hand continued to shed crimson blossoms which drifted and seeped into the earth below his feet. A new feeling, a new desire. His whole body screamed for him to slit that beautiful throat, to silence those words and deaden them forever. Yet instead he felt the blade turning back, pressing against his wrists and his lips moved, shaping the words and endlessly repeating 'Suicide is the proof of life'.
:-:-:
"Dude, you slept longer than I did," came a rather irritating voice in Kyo's ear. "It's already lunch."
Kyo's eyes snapped open to see that redhead's face looking at him inquisitively. Kyo grunted crossly and lifted his head off the desk.
"You must be new. What's your name?" Die inquired, sitting himself down backwards in his chair so that he could watch Kyo.
"Fuck off..." Kyo muttered without much thought and stood up. He felt stiff and he needed a smoke, badly. He didn't have time to chat with this idiot. This 'making friends' thing wasn’t even worth it if he wasn't going to be here for that long.
"Kyo..." he heard another voice call for him. He turned his head to see Shinya peeking into the classroom, looking rather anxious about something.
"Ah, Kyo is your name." Die exclaimed gleefully. He was now peering at Kyo with an even more interested look, as though he were trying to measure something up. "So, you're friends with Shinya, eh?"
Kyo could see the gears turning in Die's head. He probably knew Shinya was a fag and presumed that Kyo was one too. Not that Die had been the first one to assume that, but Kyo would rather not have the trouble that usually went along with that, so he was going to dispel what ever assumptions that Die was coming to now.
"We're not friends." Kyo said coldly, loud enough that Shinya heard too. Kyo didn't care what Shinya thought of him. It didn't matter; he probably wouldn't even be knowing him for a month.
Kyo stood from his seat and walked out the door, brushing against Shinya and making sure not to look into his eyes. He needed to find someplace alone, away from the confining walls of futility. He needed to smoke, damn it...
The bell rang, signaling the day's end. Kyo was still out on the roof. He had a lit cigarette in his hand and he was staring vacantly out at the noisy streets below. He hated this city, this filth, the waste that walked by pretending to be human. It was all bare, measureless and stretching on to perpetuity, the emptiest place he had ever seen. It was in the meaningless gestures, fake smiles, the little white lies. There was something hidden there, something inherently wrong, something he couldn’t name. He needed something. He needed an escape route. Not just from this city, from the people, from the world, but from himself. He wanted to escape his mind, his thoughts and his unworthiness he could feel festering in his heart like a spider of guilt crawling through his veins.
The children were milling out in droves below him. Some were laughing loudly, groups of giggling girls, a group of guys talking, their voices muffled by the time they reached Kyo on the roof. He watched them with disgust. They propagated this lie of happiness and pinned him an outcast in this world.
Time passed as the crowd thinned out, only leaving a few stragglers behind. They all had somewhere to go, a home to return to, expectations and responsibilities. He had nothing but himself and a dozen foster parents who had rejected him because of some flaw or another that had made him a 'difficulty'.
His cigarette dropped to the ground and he smashed it beneath his foot. He wondered momentarily where Shinya was and how badly he was freaking out because he could not find Kyo. However, the concern did not last long.
Kyo pulled up his sleeve and gazed at the angry red lines on his skin. He knew he was pathetic. He knew it did nothing, all the things he did would not bring him closer to a meaning. After all, there was no meaning, no meaning at all for all eternity. He was just here because it happened, not because he had been wanted or because he was supposed to do something in his life. People who believed in those things were in denial, they were covering up the truth in order to keep those happy smiles on their faces. But deep down, everyone can feel it, a little itching in their heart telling that something is inherently missing.
Kyo took a step closer toward the ledge that separated him from the ground three floors below. He wondered how much it would hurt. Could it kill him? Without really thinking about it, he climbed up onto the ledge. He could see the city better this way. It was probably around four o'clock, people were passing by. He watched them, an odd grin on his face.
No one was looking. No one to stop him. He could jump if he wanted to and once he did there would be no going back, no stopping because of cowardice like all the times before. How many breaths would it take until he reached the cement? How many more times would he have to blink, staring out at this deadened world?
"You know you'll fall if you're not careful." came a male voice from behind him.
Startled, Kyo swirled around to look, but the slippery stone beneath his feet caused him to loose balance. He felt himself tip backwards, gravity gradually pulling him along.
A rough tug on his shirt and he was pulled forward again by a man with startlingly purple hair and a grim look on his face.
"That was a close one. Guess I saved you though." the man stated rather casually as he helped (more like pulled) Kyo off the ledge and back onto the roof.
Kyo snorted in annoyance. "I wouldn't have slipped if you hadn't have said anything and just minded your own damn business." he responded venomously.
The man gave him a skeptical look. "So you were just up there to get a better look?" he asked sarcastically.
Kyo shoved roughly past the jackass, he couldn't believe he had been interrupted by such a prick, and he headed for the door inside.
"It's none of your fucking business." he replied, angrily.
Much to his surprise the man would not just leave it at that. He grabbed Kyo, this time from behind and turned him around, forcing Kyo to look at him. Kyo noted that the man could not have been older than him by at most a few years.
"It's my damn business when I come here to pick up a friend and I see some kid about to jump off a roof. I'd rather not have his death on my conscious for the rest of my life, thank you very much."
Kyo struggled out from his grip. "Fine, I'll just go somewhere with less dickheads to get in my way."
"Oh, no you don't." the man said, "I'm involved whether you like it or not. I'm taking you with me."
"Going to turn me into the police, take me to some fucking hospital?! They've already tried that and it didn't work. Let me go, you motherfucking bastard."
Kyo could feel anger consuming his vision. He didn't want to be fucking looked over, to be asked questions, how he was feeling, asking him 'why?'. They always asked him 'why' and he didn't know the fucking answer. They would never just leave him alone.
"No, I'm not going to tell anyone. I don't care that much. You're coming home with me until I can figure out who your parents are and can get them to come take you home, so that I at least can sleep tonight."
"What, are you going to rape me, I bet that's what a demented prick like you would do..." Kyo grumbled under his breath. He was angry, but he knew this asshole wouldn't leave him alone until he made some concession. Besides, he didn't want to go 'home'. If this jackass tried to rape him, it wouldn't be anything new. He was used to strangers, he lived with strangers all his life. He was trusted to strangers, forced to be dependent on them.
Kyo pulled out another cigarette from his pack and sighed when he found it to be the last one.
"As long as we pick up a pack on the way, I don't care where the hell you take me."
:-:-:
I hate the way you look at me
As though your eyes can tell my flaws
I feel naked around you
Unable to cover my ugliness
Being raped and not even knowing why
:-:-: