Wrist-Cut Show Chapter Six
Lost?:
Prologue
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Interlude
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight *new*
Wrist-Cut Show - Chapter Six
It was a different kind of day
Trying and failing to find
That one thing that keeps you going
And trying, without reason,
All the different ways to make it all end
The school bell rung and many students hurried out the door. Shinya, with a few others, stayed behind. He had forgotten to tell Kyo that it was his day to stay after and help clean the classrooms. It had slipped his mind in the rush of things. He had attempted to look for Kyo after classes ended, yet he had not been able to find him regardless of his best efforts. However, Shinya was forced to stay behind and clean or else he knew his fellow classmates would be angry for making more work for them.
As he scrupulously swept the dust and dirt out from under the desk, his thoughts wandered to the day’s events. It had been normal for him. When he arrived at class, he found notes stuck in his desk. He didn’t bother to read them, but a couple of boys snickered as he stood up to dispose of them. By now he had learned to ignore them because he found that when he actually did confront them, when he actually acknowledged the problem, they really did start to cause trouble for him.
However, those thoughts were quickly swept out of his mind. Kyo was nowhere to be found and Shinya was the one who was responsible for keeping track of him. Shinya presumed that he had gone on ahead of him. Kyo probably just wasn’t feeling sociable and didn’t want to wait to go home with Shinya. It would make perfect sense that he’d returned without Shinya. Besides, Shinya didn’t feel particularly inclined to start out after him because Kyo’s stinging words had left an innate sadness in the brunette’s heart that he was having trouble fading away.
He knew not to expect much from Kyo but in a way he felt himself desiring to see those rebellious eyes looking into his once again, this time with some sort of feeling. It didn't have to be affection, just a recognition, an acknowledgement of existence. That would be enough. To feel like he was no longer alone. He knew not to hope, but he could not help but hide that little desire in the guarded gates of his heart hoping no one would realize it was there.
Shinya was just finishing up the work and was about to leave the school to head home himself when his cell phone began to ring in his school bag. Shinya quickly picked it up and smiled faintly when he saw the name reading ‘Totchi’ with a goofy picture of Toshiya flashing on his screen.
“Moshi moshi, Totchi.” Shinya said cutely, disguising his somber thoughts with a sugary tone.
“You’re happy today, aren’t you?” Toshiya remarked from the other end, as always oblivious to Shinya's true mood.
Shinya tilted his head slightly as he spoke, bangs falling to cover his listless eyes as he stooped to pick up his bag again.
“Today was a better day." he commented with a girly flourish. "Except for Kyo leaving without me. I hope he made it home safely.” He commented with a seemingly careless voice as he walked out the door.
Toshiya sighed. “Shinya, it’s not your responsibility to look after him anyway. Don’t worry about him. He probably just doesn’t feel like being around anyone. I mean, the dude just got here. He’s probably not comfortable with you yet. Besides, after what happened I don’t think he feels like spending some quality time with you.”
“But…” Shinya started fretfully, forgetting to mask his worry, but regardless of it he was quickly interrupted.
“Forget about it. Go out with me tonight. I feel like finding someplace to party and I wanna bring my pretty boyfriend with me to make all the guys and girls jealous." Toshiya murmured seductively, tempting Shinya to accept the offer.
"But...It's a Monday night!" Shinya rebuked, bringing some sense into the discussion.
“All the better. There’s usually nothing to do on Mondays, so why don’t we go out and have fun for a change? You’ll have plenty of time for schoolwork later.” Toshiya purred and Shinya could almost feel Toshiya's lips beckoning him and telling him that if he said yes he would definitely enjoy it, even if he did regret it later. That was usually how it went with Toshiya, living in the now and forgetting about all the consequences.
“I’m not so sure…” Shinya said hesitantly, not wanting to be sucked into another hazardous adventure, but Toshiya wasn't giving him room to argue. Instead Toshiya took that response as a yes.
“Great. I’ll be there in a few minutes to pick you up.” Toshiya said quickly before hanging up without listening to Shinya's protests. All Shinya could do was sigh and sit down on a bench just outside the school structure and wait for his reckless boyfriend.
:-:-:
Die had just finished serving his detention and left the classroom to find Kaoru leaning against the wall, waiting for him just as usual. Die had forgotten to mention that it would be taking an extra long time to make up from all his skipping out on detentions (he had tried that today but the teachers had been getting annoyingly smarter), so he was surprised that Kaoru had the patience to sit there waiting for him. The man was probably still tired from work and that he had come all the way out here to pick Die up made him truly happy. Die smiled brightly at the sight of Kaoru's glowering face and walked up to him, leaning forward as if to kiss him, but stopping a few inches before.
"You know you shouldn't do that in public." Kaoru remarked unflinchingly. He was used to Die's pranks. The bastard liked to freak people out and one could only win against him if they simply didn't react.
Kaoru began to turn his face away, but Die gently placed one hand on Kaoru's chin lifting it back up and leaned down to close the space between them with a big grin on his face. Kaoru's lips were firm in resistance at first, but after a few moments he gave into the force of the kiss, Die’s magnetism not quite letting him escape. It wasn’t like Kaoru felt anything in particular, he had had plenty of kisses in his life and there wasn’t anything that marked this as some special experience. However, Die’s lips moving with his own was comfortable and relaxing, a kind of soothing phrase not unlike all that corny shit, you know, the ocean or laying in the sun with nothing else to do but soak up its warmth.
Die broke the kiss none too gently and let out a heavy sigh on Kaoru’s neck, making him shiver instinctively. “You don’t seem to mind.” He whispered, his words forming patterns of sensual warmth on Kaoru's skin.
Kaoru said nothing. He was silent, leaning against the wall, his eyes were closed. If Die were a cat, he’d be purring contentedly now with a smug look on his face. Kaoru didn’t want to open his eyes and see it, but he didn’t have the strength to pull away. It was because Kaoru was growing increasingly more aware of a certain fact that he’d rather not experience right now.
Die’s lips made their way down Kaoru’s neck and back up his sharp chin to his lips once again. The feeling was different this time, a sensation that compounded the growing ache inside of him.
However as Die anxiously slipped his tongue into Kaoru’s mouth, he felt himself break free of whatever had paralyzed him and he pulled away suddenly much to Die's displeasure.
“I could just as easily let you walk all the way home, and I’m not talking about my apartment either." Kaoru rebuked, attempting to glare at the unruly redhead, but finding himself unable.
Die smirked. “I think you’re starting to enjoy it, Kao Kao,” he said with a laugh before he grabbed Kaoru’s collar and yanked him from the wall. “C’mon, hottie, let’s get out of this hellhole.”
:-:-:
Kyo stared absentmindedly out the car window, waiting for Kaoru to return with his friend that he had originally come to pick up before this fucking ordeal occurred. In all reality, Kyo could have left easily right then. It's not like he couldn't just reach over and unlock the doors and get out. However, something kept him in that strange beat-up car, waiting for this unnamed stranger to return and take him god knows where to do god knows what. Maybe Kyo wanted to be raped or beaten to death, some masochistic part of himself commanding that he receive the punishment that he'd been running away from all this years. Yet he knew that it wouldn't come to that. He doubted this Kaoru guy would leave him alone for such a long period of time if he intended that.
And here Kyo was sitting grumpily in the backseat of Kaoru’s piece of trash car, bored to death, yet unable to just leave and wander the streets...Maybe he'd find someplace else to jump, a bridge, a building. Hell maybe he'd just take up a habit of walking in traffic and see how many times he almost killed himself.
With this thought in his head and his hand reaching for the door handle, the front passenger door was swung open and that annoying redhead from class ambled in. Kyo frowned in irritation, his desire to leave increasing, but if he moved then the red head would notice him and might start talking to him. Die didn't seem to see him yet, so Kyo just sat there in indecision listening to Die pester that annoying man about something he had 'liked but didn't want to admit.'
Kyo could see Kaoru's face glance at him in the rear view mirror and it was that look that made him decide to stay. It was as if Kaoru were surprised to still see him sitting there. Kyo guessed most people would have just left by now, seeing as it had been quite a while he'd been waiting in here, but he hadn't been able to move. It wasn't because Kyo wanted to be with anyone. It wasn't that at all.
The car started reluctantly and they pulled out of the school parking lot. Die was chattering happily to Kaoru and it took him a full ten minutes to notice Kyo sitting in the back seat. When he did notice, Die let out a big laugh.
“Hey Kao, when did you pick up this stray cat?” Die joked, turning around to peer at Kyo curiously.
Kyo kept his face still as possible, trying not to let his annoyance show as he looked out the window again at the passing cars. He was dreading inside what Kaoru’s explanation would be. He didn’t want that jerk Die knowing anything about him, judging him, thinking he understood anything at all what Kyo was feeling.
However to Kyo's surprise Kaoru just grunted and said, “I invited him to be with us this evening.”
Die put on a mock hurt face. “You’re seeing other men and you didn’t tell me?” he exclaimed, turning back to the older man and reaching over to fling his arms around him.
"I'm fucking driving here!" Kaoru exclaimed, trying to shake Die's arms off of him but Die didn't seem discouraged. Instead he slid one hand onto Kaoru's thigh, stroking it gently.
"C'mon, honey. I just wanna play." He purred into Kaoru's ears.
Kaoru gave him a look. It was that look that spoke of true annoyance. Die, sensing he was very near to be tossed out the car, retreated back to his own seat.
“Fine, fine. I’ll tone down the gayness.” he grumbled unhappily, trying to make puppy dog eyes at Kaoru, but unfortunately he was ignoring Die with the best of his ability.
They reached Kaoru’s small apartment in a few minutes. It didn't look to be too promising a place. Kyo didn't really expect much out of them because both of them were a little bit skinnier than normal and didn't seem to be making quite that much money.
Kyo climbed out of the car slowly after the Die had jumped out and walked swiftly up the concrete stairs and into the building. Kaoru followed, stopping to get his mail out of his box on the way in. Kyo stood awkwardly outside the car, trying to decide whether or not to follow.
Kaoru decided for him. "C'mon, we'll order some dinner inside."
"What about pizza, baby?" Die commented from atop the steps. "I could really use some right now and I know the guy who works at pizza place down the street who'll give us a discount."
Die flashed Kaoru another of his signature grins. Kaoru sighed. "I guess. We can't really afford anything else right now, even though we've had pizza for the past two nights."
Die leaned down and kissed Kaoru on the cheek. "Hmm, thank you sweetie."
Kaoru frowned and pushed past him grumbling into the hallway. Die and Kyo followed him into the apartment on the second floor.
Kaoru and Die had started bickering again as soon as they had taken off their shoes and wandered into the apartment. Kyo was starting to get the feeling that the majority of what Kaoru and Die did was bickering, but he refrained from commenting. After all, Kyo had long stopped paying attention to the two of them and had merely nodded when they had asked him if that ‘sounded good to him’. He assumed it was in reference to dinner.
Instead, Kyo was looking around the apartment and noticing it’s rather shabby appearance. He decided to sit down on a sagging, faded neon pink couch that look like it had been a good dumpster find at the time, but a number of questionable activities had taken place on it which warranted it simply nothing more than a piece of shit that was only still there because it was too much of a hassle to get rid of (besides, it had a history with them, however more likely it was the fact that they could not afford to buy a real couch so they might as well stick with what they had).
The rest of the apartment was in a similar eclectic and detoriated fashion. The carpet was stained in spots and looked like it hadn’t been vacuumed for a least a few months while the table was littered with scraps of paper, old food cartons, and what seemed to part of a rather pornographic jigsaw puzzle the origin of which Kyo didn't quite want to discern. Clothes had been erratically tossed in places, over the floor, the couch and descending down the hallway in a progression that told that the wearer was mostly likely naked by the time he reached his bedroom. The walls were no neater with random newspaper articles and photographs tacked to the sections as well as band announcements and seeming useless information forming a haphazard pattern.
The place smelled of beer, cigarettes, and stale food. And yet, despite all its fault, it had that particular feeling about it that even though it looked like shit its owners enjoyed living here very much and that it provided a haven from the outside frustrations of the real world, where one could be messy if he damn well pleased it to be so. It was a place that didn’t claim any greatness or false attempts to show some kind of superiority over everyone else in society. Unlike the rest of the world, where everyone was trying to prove something, it did not try to represent perfection. Everyone else seemed to want to say that they held some divine or social greatness when in reality they held none. In much simpler words, this place was something Kyo could like.
Kyo's thoughts switched from his surroundings back to his bickering hosts. This Kaoru guy wasn’t that bad and Die wasn’t too annoying as long as you tuned out his stupider comments. However, they were differently eccentric. Kyo wasn’t the one to judge. He wasn’t very normal either.
“Are you two gay or what?” Kyo finally blurted out.
Die blinked at him and took a drag from a cigarette he had just lit. “Well, Kaoru doesn’t realize it yet, but he’s totally my bitch.”
“I’m who’s bitch?” Kaoru scoffed, tossing his jacket at Die's face.
Instead of complaining, Die pulled it off his face and stuck his arms through it, hugging himself, "Look Kyo, my honey gave me his jacket! He must really love me now." Die squeed in a high-pitched voice. Kaoru rolled his eyes.
When the pizza arrived, Kyo ate a little bit of what was offered to him, but mostly just so that they wouldn’t complain. He wasn't feeling very hungry, though he found himself craving a cigarette. Since Die had been smoking earlier, he pulled out the pack of cigarettes Kaoru had bought him on the way to the apartment.
"Smokings bad for you." Die commented through a mouthful of pizza.
"So is getting wasted every weekend, you hypocrite." Kaoru interjected, grabbing a piece of pizza and walking away from the couch. "Have fun playing, kids."
After Kaoru had left the room, Die grinned over at Kyo. "So, what did you do to get Kaoru to take you home?"
Kyo looked a little pissy at the question, tapping his cigarette and running a hand back through his spiked hair. "Who says I did anything?"
Die leaned a little closer, Kyo grimacing at the greasy smell of pizza on his breath. "Well, you see the thing about Kaoru is that he's got a big heart, though he hates to admit it. He'll do anything for a kid in trouble, even bring a complete stranger into his home."
Kyo didn't look impressed by this revelation. He was used to people wanting to give him charity and trying to meddle in his business.
"So, what was it? Drugs? Abusive parents? Kicked out?" Die pestered good-naturely poking him the side.
Kyo 'hmph'ed, but said no more than that.
Die finally gave up and sighed. "Just don't think you can stay here and steal my place. I got a good deal going here, no rent, free food...I ain't going without a fight."
At first Kyo thought Die was being serious in his threats and he frowned, but Die then broke into a grin and winked at him. "Don't be so serious all the time, gives yah wrinkles and yah don't want to mess up your pretty face now, do you?"
With that said, Die stretched and pulled out a game controller out from under the rubbish, flipping a small tv on. "Time for videogames. Wanna play?"
Kyo shook his head. He had just become aware of the sound a guitar coming from the next room. He supposed it was Kaoru practicing, since he could tell it wasn't a cd.
Kyo got up from his seat, dropping the nibbled piece of pizza down onto the table amongst other junk. He wandered down the hall towards the sound of the guitar. It was acoustic, mellow. Kyo preferred screaming guitars, but it wasn’t that bad. He stopped in the doorway to the one bedroom Kaoru had his back to him, facing the window, playing with random tunes. Kyo recognized them from somewhere but he could not quite tell from where.
Kaoru didn’t pause or even acknowledge Kyo’s presence. Kyo liked that. It didn’t pressure him into communicating. Sometimes he just didn’t want to speak. He wanted to be separate from events, a sheet of glass separating him from the world, a mere observer. Kyo had wanted to play the guitar once upon a time but had never been able to ask for one. He didn’t want charity from others, so he had just stuck with his voice.
He slowly sank to sit against the wall. Kaoru seemed absorbed, letting his fingers drift across the strings. Finally, he sighed and put the guitar aside.
“You eventually find something in all this shit that makes it worth while.” He said quietly, almost to himself, but Kyo knew better. Kyo knew he was talking about earlier on the roof.
Kaoru said no more as he walked past Kyo and back into the living room.
:-:-:
Toshiya pulled Shinya closer as they danced so that they bodies were hard pressed against each other. The music was pulsing through the room of the club, the darkness and the flashing light, the smoke and the smell of alcohol and the sweat of all the bodies as they danced with increasing tension that slowly took them from the physical interpretation of music to the sexual masquerade of onetime lovers.
Shinya looked particularly erotic as he danced, surprisingly unconcerned with his surroundings and lost in the beat and the motion of music. It made Toshiya’s blood boil till all he could think was to have Shinya, here in the middle of the crowd, to take him over the edge screaming his name at the top of his lungs so that everyone here could and would know that Shinya was his.
However, he could not. Shinya would never allow him to do so in such a situation. Yet, he could not keep his hand from straying down Shinya’s back, resting on that tight black miniskirt that teased Toshiya with the fact that it squeezed Shinya in all the right places. Toshiya lips then wandered Shinya’s neck, kissing that soft skin and wanting it so terribly.
“Toshiya…” Shinya murmured, barely audible above the noise. “What if people are watching?”
“Then let them watch.” Toshiya let out as a whisper against Shinya’s skin, sliding his hand under Shinya’s skirt to rest on his ass, squeezing lightly. Toshiya felt a shudder travel down Shinya’s back, but instead of letting Toshiya have his way, Shinya pulled Toshiya’s hands off of him.
“Please. Not in front of everyone.” Shinya begged, trying to pull out of Toshiya’s arms. He had been having a good time dancing. Usually he wasn't allowed to let himself go, but it was just so dark that he could barely see Toshiya's face as he was pressed against Shinya.
Toshiya pouted slightly, but then a grin came over his face. “C’mon. I bet there’s some back room around here somewhere.” He murmured, pulling on Shinya's arm.
Shinya followed Toshiya across the crowded dance room, down the hallway beyond the dirty bathrooms until they came to a darkened room with a sign that read ‘staff only: storage’. Usually rooms like these were locked during the shows, but someone hadn’t closed it completely, so Toshiya triumphantly opened it to find it blessedly empty.
“C’mere, sexy.” Toshiya whispered pulling Shinya into the room “Let’s have some fun.”
The party music echoed on in a blur. He never paid attention to anything besides the feeling of Toshiya's hands. To think otherwise was to invite regret.
:-:-:
Kyo spent that night in a silent reverie, his mind processing darkened thoughts. He was lying on that god ugly couch, a think blanket covering him. He was watching the shadows, drifting back and forth on the ceilings and the walls.
He no longer heard the sporadic arguing from the bedroom which Die had managed to convince Kaoru to share for the night. Die had seemed insistent on sharing his bed too. Kyo didn't know the outcome of that spat and to tell the truth, he didn't much care.
His thoughts were stuck elsewhere, wandering. He wondered about his future, about Shinya, about how he would get himself out of this situation. He wanted to be free of ties. Perhaps he'd be able to convince Tarou to let him strike out on his own. He'd go somewhere where there were no expectations, where there was no restrictions or petty rules to follow. Where there would be no one to stop him if he ever got up the courage again to end it all.
This day at Kaoru's apartment had made him think more about being independent. He was old enough. He could find a job. He could get an apartment. He didn't need to eat that much, he could drop out of school so he wouldn't have to worry about paying for tuition. He could get together a band. He could do all the fucking things he wanted to do. He would fucking hurt himself without people bothering him, without psychiatrists asking him how he was feeling, asking him why. Maybe he'd figure out the reason why he couldn't bring himself to end it all, and maybe he'd figure out how he could get past it.
Then everything would come together finally. Then he wouldn't be living a life directed by the people who temporarily would call themselves his parents.
Kyo felt restless. He wanted to move. He wanted to go forward with life but he couldn't. Not yet. He was here. There was nothing to be done this night...However...
Kyo sat up, tossing aside his blanket aside. He didn't feel like staying in this stuffy apartment. He swiped his hand back through his hair, making up his mind. He went over to the door, putting on his shoes and quietly slipped out the door.
:-:-:
Shinya slipped quietly into the house, being careful not to wake whoever might be home. He had told Tarou he would be home late, but he hadn't been planning to be this late. Toshiya had been rather insistant that Shinya didn't leave until he thoroughly pleased his boyfriend, which hadn't been easy. However, Shinya didn't dwell on it. It was just how Toshiya was.
To Shinya's surprised, Taoru was still awake.
"You're home late, Shinya." Tarou said casually, flipping the page.
"Well, Toshiya took me out. I left a message on your cell phone." Shinya said. He was worried that Tarou would be angry. Maybe he hadn't got the message.
"Ahh, you're friend, that's right. Well, did you bring Kyo along too? I see he hasn't returned yet." Tarou inquired. He hadn't had much time with the boy yet and quite frankly had forgotten about him till this moment.
Shinya shook his head. "I thought he came straight home." Shinya answered anxiously, wringing his hands. Shinya had forgotten to check if Kyo had returned home safely. He had just been so worried about coming home late that he had forgotten and now he was feeling guilt overwhelm him.
Tarou sighed. "Well, he can't get in too much trouble. I'm sure he'll show up by morning." The statement was said plainly, but Shinya knew that Tarou was concerned about the boy, even if only superficially.
Shinya began to really worry and he knew that wasn't good. He got weird when he became apprehensive and he instantly felt the need to do something, call Toshiya again, though he probably wouldn't answer or desire Shinya at this moment. Shinya felt like whimpering. Kyo had been his responsibility and he had let Tarou down.
Shinya said a polite goodnight before going back to his room, to sit fretfully on his bed. However, he found that while in his room he could do nothing but straighten things, first just fixing the way his pillow was aligned on his bed to being forced to remake his bed ten times over. He felt so out of place, his skin crawling, that he was forced out of his room, to stand in the hallway, looking longingly at his bed, wanting to go to sleep but unable to lie down without getting up again.
Soon Shinya found himself drawn to Kyo's room next door. It was dark, the room was black. It had obviously only been lived in for a short while. An angry mood hung over the room, clung to the shadowy corners and the creaking floors. There were very little personal items in his bedroom, less distractions for Shinya to attend to. Kyo, of course, hadn’t much time to make it more personal, however Shinya doubted that there was much more that Kyo actually owned.
Shinya wandered over to the bed and sat down. It hadn’t been made, so he crawled inside, laying his head on the pillow, and pulling the blankets neatly over himself. It smelled like Kyo, a mixture of cigarettes and a unique scent that he couldn’t identify.
Shinya sighed. He wished that Kyo had a cell phone. He buried his face into the pillow and darkness overcame him. He was trying to fight the urge, but he knew from the start that he would lose the battle.
He curled up tight in Kyo’s blankets. He felt so small. So hopeless.
His eyes were getting heavy. His eyelids were slipping closed.
He couldn’t remove himself from the blankness of Kyo’s room. Shinya wanted to stay in his bed.
Shinya fell asleep knowing that he shouldn’t have.
---
Don't forget to check out the interlude (link on top)
Prologue
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Interlude
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight *new*
Wrist-Cut Show - Chapter Six
It was a different kind of day
Trying and failing to find
That one thing that keeps you going
And trying, without reason,
All the different ways to make it all end
The school bell rung and many students hurried out the door. Shinya, with a few others, stayed behind. He had forgotten to tell Kyo that it was his day to stay after and help clean the classrooms. It had slipped his mind in the rush of things. He had attempted to look for Kyo after classes ended, yet he had not been able to find him regardless of his best efforts. However, Shinya was forced to stay behind and clean or else he knew his fellow classmates would be angry for making more work for them.
As he scrupulously swept the dust and dirt out from under the desk, his thoughts wandered to the day’s events. It had been normal for him. When he arrived at class, he found notes stuck in his desk. He didn’t bother to read them, but a couple of boys snickered as he stood up to dispose of them. By now he had learned to ignore them because he found that when he actually did confront them, when he actually acknowledged the problem, they really did start to cause trouble for him.
However, those thoughts were quickly swept out of his mind. Kyo was nowhere to be found and Shinya was the one who was responsible for keeping track of him. Shinya presumed that he had gone on ahead of him. Kyo probably just wasn’t feeling sociable and didn’t want to wait to go home with Shinya. It would make perfect sense that he’d returned without Shinya. Besides, Shinya didn’t feel particularly inclined to start out after him because Kyo’s stinging words had left an innate sadness in the brunette’s heart that he was having trouble fading away.
He knew not to expect much from Kyo but in a way he felt himself desiring to see those rebellious eyes looking into his once again, this time with some sort of feeling. It didn't have to be affection, just a recognition, an acknowledgement of existence. That would be enough. To feel like he was no longer alone. He knew not to hope, but he could not help but hide that little desire in the guarded gates of his heart hoping no one would realize it was there.
Shinya was just finishing up the work and was about to leave the school to head home himself when his cell phone began to ring in his school bag. Shinya quickly picked it up and smiled faintly when he saw the name reading ‘Totchi’ with a goofy picture of Toshiya flashing on his screen.
“Moshi moshi, Totchi.” Shinya said cutely, disguising his somber thoughts with a sugary tone.
“You’re happy today, aren’t you?” Toshiya remarked from the other end, as always oblivious to Shinya's true mood.
Shinya tilted his head slightly as he spoke, bangs falling to cover his listless eyes as he stooped to pick up his bag again.
“Today was a better day." he commented with a girly flourish. "Except for Kyo leaving without me. I hope he made it home safely.” He commented with a seemingly careless voice as he walked out the door.
Toshiya sighed. “Shinya, it’s not your responsibility to look after him anyway. Don’t worry about him. He probably just doesn’t feel like being around anyone. I mean, the dude just got here. He’s probably not comfortable with you yet. Besides, after what happened I don’t think he feels like spending some quality time with you.”
“But…” Shinya started fretfully, forgetting to mask his worry, but regardless of it he was quickly interrupted.
“Forget about it. Go out with me tonight. I feel like finding someplace to party and I wanna bring my pretty boyfriend with me to make all the guys and girls jealous." Toshiya murmured seductively, tempting Shinya to accept the offer.
"But...It's a Monday night!" Shinya rebuked, bringing some sense into the discussion.
“All the better. There’s usually nothing to do on Mondays, so why don’t we go out and have fun for a change? You’ll have plenty of time for schoolwork later.” Toshiya purred and Shinya could almost feel Toshiya's lips beckoning him and telling him that if he said yes he would definitely enjoy it, even if he did regret it later. That was usually how it went with Toshiya, living in the now and forgetting about all the consequences.
“I’m not so sure…” Shinya said hesitantly, not wanting to be sucked into another hazardous adventure, but Toshiya wasn't giving him room to argue. Instead Toshiya took that response as a yes.
“Great. I’ll be there in a few minutes to pick you up.” Toshiya said quickly before hanging up without listening to Shinya's protests. All Shinya could do was sigh and sit down on a bench just outside the school structure and wait for his reckless boyfriend.
:-:-:
Die had just finished serving his detention and left the classroom to find Kaoru leaning against the wall, waiting for him just as usual. Die had forgotten to mention that it would be taking an extra long time to make up from all his skipping out on detentions (he had tried that today but the teachers had been getting annoyingly smarter), so he was surprised that Kaoru had the patience to sit there waiting for him. The man was probably still tired from work and that he had come all the way out here to pick Die up made him truly happy. Die smiled brightly at the sight of Kaoru's glowering face and walked up to him, leaning forward as if to kiss him, but stopping a few inches before.
"You know you shouldn't do that in public." Kaoru remarked unflinchingly. He was used to Die's pranks. The bastard liked to freak people out and one could only win against him if they simply didn't react.
Kaoru began to turn his face away, but Die gently placed one hand on Kaoru's chin lifting it back up and leaned down to close the space between them with a big grin on his face. Kaoru's lips were firm in resistance at first, but after a few moments he gave into the force of the kiss, Die’s magnetism not quite letting him escape. It wasn’t like Kaoru felt anything in particular, he had had plenty of kisses in his life and there wasn’t anything that marked this as some special experience. However, Die’s lips moving with his own was comfortable and relaxing, a kind of soothing phrase not unlike all that corny shit, you know, the ocean or laying in the sun with nothing else to do but soak up its warmth.
Die broke the kiss none too gently and let out a heavy sigh on Kaoru’s neck, making him shiver instinctively. “You don’t seem to mind.” He whispered, his words forming patterns of sensual warmth on Kaoru's skin.
Kaoru said nothing. He was silent, leaning against the wall, his eyes were closed. If Die were a cat, he’d be purring contentedly now with a smug look on his face. Kaoru didn’t want to open his eyes and see it, but he didn’t have the strength to pull away. It was because Kaoru was growing increasingly more aware of a certain fact that he’d rather not experience right now.
Die’s lips made their way down Kaoru’s neck and back up his sharp chin to his lips once again. The feeling was different this time, a sensation that compounded the growing ache inside of him.
However as Die anxiously slipped his tongue into Kaoru’s mouth, he felt himself break free of whatever had paralyzed him and he pulled away suddenly much to Die's displeasure.
“I could just as easily let you walk all the way home, and I’m not talking about my apartment either." Kaoru rebuked, attempting to glare at the unruly redhead, but finding himself unable.
Die smirked. “I think you’re starting to enjoy it, Kao Kao,” he said with a laugh before he grabbed Kaoru’s collar and yanked him from the wall. “C’mon, hottie, let’s get out of this hellhole.”
:-:-:
Kyo stared absentmindedly out the car window, waiting for Kaoru to return with his friend that he had originally come to pick up before this fucking ordeal occurred. In all reality, Kyo could have left easily right then. It's not like he couldn't just reach over and unlock the doors and get out. However, something kept him in that strange beat-up car, waiting for this unnamed stranger to return and take him god knows where to do god knows what. Maybe Kyo wanted to be raped or beaten to death, some masochistic part of himself commanding that he receive the punishment that he'd been running away from all this years. Yet he knew that it wouldn't come to that. He doubted this Kaoru guy would leave him alone for such a long period of time if he intended that.
And here Kyo was sitting grumpily in the backseat of Kaoru’s piece of trash car, bored to death, yet unable to just leave and wander the streets...Maybe he'd find someplace else to jump, a bridge, a building. Hell maybe he'd just take up a habit of walking in traffic and see how many times he almost killed himself.
With this thought in his head and his hand reaching for the door handle, the front passenger door was swung open and that annoying redhead from class ambled in. Kyo frowned in irritation, his desire to leave increasing, but if he moved then the red head would notice him and might start talking to him. Die didn't seem to see him yet, so Kyo just sat there in indecision listening to Die pester that annoying man about something he had 'liked but didn't want to admit.'
Kyo could see Kaoru's face glance at him in the rear view mirror and it was that look that made him decide to stay. It was as if Kaoru were surprised to still see him sitting there. Kyo guessed most people would have just left by now, seeing as it had been quite a while he'd been waiting in here, but he hadn't been able to move. It wasn't because Kyo wanted to be with anyone. It wasn't that at all.
The car started reluctantly and they pulled out of the school parking lot. Die was chattering happily to Kaoru and it took him a full ten minutes to notice Kyo sitting in the back seat. When he did notice, Die let out a big laugh.
“Hey Kao, when did you pick up this stray cat?” Die joked, turning around to peer at Kyo curiously.
Kyo kept his face still as possible, trying not to let his annoyance show as he looked out the window again at the passing cars. He was dreading inside what Kaoru’s explanation would be. He didn’t want that jerk Die knowing anything about him, judging him, thinking he understood anything at all what Kyo was feeling.
However to Kyo's surprise Kaoru just grunted and said, “I invited him to be with us this evening.”
Die put on a mock hurt face. “You’re seeing other men and you didn’t tell me?” he exclaimed, turning back to the older man and reaching over to fling his arms around him.
"I'm fucking driving here!" Kaoru exclaimed, trying to shake Die's arms off of him but Die didn't seem discouraged. Instead he slid one hand onto Kaoru's thigh, stroking it gently.
"C'mon, honey. I just wanna play." He purred into Kaoru's ears.
Kaoru gave him a look. It was that look that spoke of true annoyance. Die, sensing he was very near to be tossed out the car, retreated back to his own seat.
“Fine, fine. I’ll tone down the gayness.” he grumbled unhappily, trying to make puppy dog eyes at Kaoru, but unfortunately he was ignoring Die with the best of his ability.
They reached Kaoru’s small apartment in a few minutes. It didn't look to be too promising a place. Kyo didn't really expect much out of them because both of them were a little bit skinnier than normal and didn't seem to be making quite that much money.
Kyo climbed out of the car slowly after the Die had jumped out and walked swiftly up the concrete stairs and into the building. Kaoru followed, stopping to get his mail out of his box on the way in. Kyo stood awkwardly outside the car, trying to decide whether or not to follow.
Kaoru decided for him. "C'mon, we'll order some dinner inside."
"What about pizza, baby?" Die commented from atop the steps. "I could really use some right now and I know the guy who works at pizza place down the street who'll give us a discount."
Die flashed Kaoru another of his signature grins. Kaoru sighed. "I guess. We can't really afford anything else right now, even though we've had pizza for the past two nights."
Die leaned down and kissed Kaoru on the cheek. "Hmm, thank you sweetie."
Kaoru frowned and pushed past him grumbling into the hallway. Die and Kyo followed him into the apartment on the second floor.
Kaoru and Die had started bickering again as soon as they had taken off their shoes and wandered into the apartment. Kyo was starting to get the feeling that the majority of what Kaoru and Die did was bickering, but he refrained from commenting. After all, Kyo had long stopped paying attention to the two of them and had merely nodded when they had asked him if that ‘sounded good to him’. He assumed it was in reference to dinner.
Instead, Kyo was looking around the apartment and noticing it’s rather shabby appearance. He decided to sit down on a sagging, faded neon pink couch that look like it had been a good dumpster find at the time, but a number of questionable activities had taken place on it which warranted it simply nothing more than a piece of shit that was only still there because it was too much of a hassle to get rid of (besides, it had a history with them, however more likely it was the fact that they could not afford to buy a real couch so they might as well stick with what they had).
The rest of the apartment was in a similar eclectic and detoriated fashion. The carpet was stained in spots and looked like it hadn’t been vacuumed for a least a few months while the table was littered with scraps of paper, old food cartons, and what seemed to part of a rather pornographic jigsaw puzzle the origin of which Kyo didn't quite want to discern. Clothes had been erratically tossed in places, over the floor, the couch and descending down the hallway in a progression that told that the wearer was mostly likely naked by the time he reached his bedroom. The walls were no neater with random newspaper articles and photographs tacked to the sections as well as band announcements and seeming useless information forming a haphazard pattern.
The place smelled of beer, cigarettes, and stale food. And yet, despite all its fault, it had that particular feeling about it that even though it looked like shit its owners enjoyed living here very much and that it provided a haven from the outside frustrations of the real world, where one could be messy if he damn well pleased it to be so. It was a place that didn’t claim any greatness or false attempts to show some kind of superiority over everyone else in society. Unlike the rest of the world, where everyone was trying to prove something, it did not try to represent perfection. Everyone else seemed to want to say that they held some divine or social greatness when in reality they held none. In much simpler words, this place was something Kyo could like.
Kyo's thoughts switched from his surroundings back to his bickering hosts. This Kaoru guy wasn’t that bad and Die wasn’t too annoying as long as you tuned out his stupider comments. However, they were differently eccentric. Kyo wasn’t the one to judge. He wasn’t very normal either.
“Are you two gay or what?” Kyo finally blurted out.
Die blinked at him and took a drag from a cigarette he had just lit. “Well, Kaoru doesn’t realize it yet, but he’s totally my bitch.”
“I’m who’s bitch?” Kaoru scoffed, tossing his jacket at Die's face.
Instead of complaining, Die pulled it off his face and stuck his arms through it, hugging himself, "Look Kyo, my honey gave me his jacket! He must really love me now." Die squeed in a high-pitched voice. Kaoru rolled his eyes.
When the pizza arrived, Kyo ate a little bit of what was offered to him, but mostly just so that they wouldn’t complain. He wasn't feeling very hungry, though he found himself craving a cigarette. Since Die had been smoking earlier, he pulled out the pack of cigarettes Kaoru had bought him on the way to the apartment.
"Smokings bad for you." Die commented through a mouthful of pizza.
"So is getting wasted every weekend, you hypocrite." Kaoru interjected, grabbing a piece of pizza and walking away from the couch. "Have fun playing, kids."
After Kaoru had left the room, Die grinned over at Kyo. "So, what did you do to get Kaoru to take you home?"
Kyo looked a little pissy at the question, tapping his cigarette and running a hand back through his spiked hair. "Who says I did anything?"
Die leaned a little closer, Kyo grimacing at the greasy smell of pizza on his breath. "Well, you see the thing about Kaoru is that he's got a big heart, though he hates to admit it. He'll do anything for a kid in trouble, even bring a complete stranger into his home."
Kyo didn't look impressed by this revelation. He was used to people wanting to give him charity and trying to meddle in his business.
"So, what was it? Drugs? Abusive parents? Kicked out?" Die pestered good-naturely poking him the side.
Kyo 'hmph'ed, but said no more than that.
Die finally gave up and sighed. "Just don't think you can stay here and steal my place. I got a good deal going here, no rent, free food...I ain't going without a fight."
At first Kyo thought Die was being serious in his threats and he frowned, but Die then broke into a grin and winked at him. "Don't be so serious all the time, gives yah wrinkles and yah don't want to mess up your pretty face now, do you?"
With that said, Die stretched and pulled out a game controller out from under the rubbish, flipping a small tv on. "Time for videogames. Wanna play?"
Kyo shook his head. He had just become aware of the sound a guitar coming from the next room. He supposed it was Kaoru practicing, since he could tell it wasn't a cd.
Kyo got up from his seat, dropping the nibbled piece of pizza down onto the table amongst other junk. He wandered down the hall towards the sound of the guitar. It was acoustic, mellow. Kyo preferred screaming guitars, but it wasn’t that bad. He stopped in the doorway to the one bedroom Kaoru had his back to him, facing the window, playing with random tunes. Kyo recognized them from somewhere but he could not quite tell from where.
Kaoru didn’t pause or even acknowledge Kyo’s presence. Kyo liked that. It didn’t pressure him into communicating. Sometimes he just didn’t want to speak. He wanted to be separate from events, a sheet of glass separating him from the world, a mere observer. Kyo had wanted to play the guitar once upon a time but had never been able to ask for one. He didn’t want charity from others, so he had just stuck with his voice.
He slowly sank to sit against the wall. Kaoru seemed absorbed, letting his fingers drift across the strings. Finally, he sighed and put the guitar aside.
“You eventually find something in all this shit that makes it worth while.” He said quietly, almost to himself, but Kyo knew better. Kyo knew he was talking about earlier on the roof.
Kaoru said no more as he walked past Kyo and back into the living room.
:-:-:
Toshiya pulled Shinya closer as they danced so that they bodies were hard pressed against each other. The music was pulsing through the room of the club, the darkness and the flashing light, the smoke and the smell of alcohol and the sweat of all the bodies as they danced with increasing tension that slowly took them from the physical interpretation of music to the sexual masquerade of onetime lovers.
Shinya looked particularly erotic as he danced, surprisingly unconcerned with his surroundings and lost in the beat and the motion of music. It made Toshiya’s blood boil till all he could think was to have Shinya, here in the middle of the crowd, to take him over the edge screaming his name at the top of his lungs so that everyone here could and would know that Shinya was his.
However, he could not. Shinya would never allow him to do so in such a situation. Yet, he could not keep his hand from straying down Shinya’s back, resting on that tight black miniskirt that teased Toshiya with the fact that it squeezed Shinya in all the right places. Toshiya lips then wandered Shinya’s neck, kissing that soft skin and wanting it so terribly.
“Toshiya…” Shinya murmured, barely audible above the noise. “What if people are watching?”
“Then let them watch.” Toshiya let out as a whisper against Shinya’s skin, sliding his hand under Shinya’s skirt to rest on his ass, squeezing lightly. Toshiya felt a shudder travel down Shinya’s back, but instead of letting Toshiya have his way, Shinya pulled Toshiya’s hands off of him.
“Please. Not in front of everyone.” Shinya begged, trying to pull out of Toshiya’s arms. He had been having a good time dancing. Usually he wasn't allowed to let himself go, but it was just so dark that he could barely see Toshiya's face as he was pressed against Shinya.
Toshiya pouted slightly, but then a grin came over his face. “C’mon. I bet there’s some back room around here somewhere.” He murmured, pulling on Shinya's arm.
Shinya followed Toshiya across the crowded dance room, down the hallway beyond the dirty bathrooms until they came to a darkened room with a sign that read ‘staff only: storage’. Usually rooms like these were locked during the shows, but someone hadn’t closed it completely, so Toshiya triumphantly opened it to find it blessedly empty.
“C’mere, sexy.” Toshiya whispered pulling Shinya into the room “Let’s have some fun.”
The party music echoed on in a blur. He never paid attention to anything besides the feeling of Toshiya's hands. To think otherwise was to invite regret.
:-:-:
Kyo spent that night in a silent reverie, his mind processing darkened thoughts. He was lying on that god ugly couch, a think blanket covering him. He was watching the shadows, drifting back and forth on the ceilings and the walls.
He no longer heard the sporadic arguing from the bedroom which Die had managed to convince Kaoru to share for the night. Die had seemed insistent on sharing his bed too. Kyo didn't know the outcome of that spat and to tell the truth, he didn't much care.
His thoughts were stuck elsewhere, wandering. He wondered about his future, about Shinya, about how he would get himself out of this situation. He wanted to be free of ties. Perhaps he'd be able to convince Tarou to let him strike out on his own. He'd go somewhere where there were no expectations, where there was no restrictions or petty rules to follow. Where there would be no one to stop him if he ever got up the courage again to end it all.
This day at Kaoru's apartment had made him think more about being independent. He was old enough. He could find a job. He could get an apartment. He didn't need to eat that much, he could drop out of school so he wouldn't have to worry about paying for tuition. He could get together a band. He could do all the fucking things he wanted to do. He would fucking hurt himself without people bothering him, without psychiatrists asking him how he was feeling, asking him why. Maybe he'd figure out the reason why he couldn't bring himself to end it all, and maybe he'd figure out how he could get past it.
Then everything would come together finally. Then he wouldn't be living a life directed by the people who temporarily would call themselves his parents.
Kyo felt restless. He wanted to move. He wanted to go forward with life but he couldn't. Not yet. He was here. There was nothing to be done this night...However...
Kyo sat up, tossing aside his blanket aside. He didn't feel like staying in this stuffy apartment. He swiped his hand back through his hair, making up his mind. He went over to the door, putting on his shoes and quietly slipped out the door.
:-:-:
Shinya slipped quietly into the house, being careful not to wake whoever might be home. He had told Tarou he would be home late, but he hadn't been planning to be this late. Toshiya had been rather insistant that Shinya didn't leave until he thoroughly pleased his boyfriend, which hadn't been easy. However, Shinya didn't dwell on it. It was just how Toshiya was.
To Shinya's surprised, Taoru was still awake.
"You're home late, Shinya." Tarou said casually, flipping the page.
"Well, Toshiya took me out. I left a message on your cell phone." Shinya said. He was worried that Tarou would be angry. Maybe he hadn't got the message.
"Ahh, you're friend, that's right. Well, did you bring Kyo along too? I see he hasn't returned yet." Tarou inquired. He hadn't had much time with the boy yet and quite frankly had forgotten about him till this moment.
Shinya shook his head. "I thought he came straight home." Shinya answered anxiously, wringing his hands. Shinya had forgotten to check if Kyo had returned home safely. He had just been so worried about coming home late that he had forgotten and now he was feeling guilt overwhelm him.
Tarou sighed. "Well, he can't get in too much trouble. I'm sure he'll show up by morning." The statement was said plainly, but Shinya knew that Tarou was concerned about the boy, even if only superficially.
Shinya began to really worry and he knew that wasn't good. He got weird when he became apprehensive and he instantly felt the need to do something, call Toshiya again, though he probably wouldn't answer or desire Shinya at this moment. Shinya felt like whimpering. Kyo had been his responsibility and he had let Tarou down.
Shinya said a polite goodnight before going back to his room, to sit fretfully on his bed. However, he found that while in his room he could do nothing but straighten things, first just fixing the way his pillow was aligned on his bed to being forced to remake his bed ten times over. He felt so out of place, his skin crawling, that he was forced out of his room, to stand in the hallway, looking longingly at his bed, wanting to go to sleep but unable to lie down without getting up again.
Soon Shinya found himself drawn to Kyo's room next door. It was dark, the room was black. It had obviously only been lived in for a short while. An angry mood hung over the room, clung to the shadowy corners and the creaking floors. There were very little personal items in his bedroom, less distractions for Shinya to attend to. Kyo, of course, hadn’t much time to make it more personal, however Shinya doubted that there was much more that Kyo actually owned.
Shinya wandered over to the bed and sat down. It hadn’t been made, so he crawled inside, laying his head on the pillow, and pulling the blankets neatly over himself. It smelled like Kyo, a mixture of cigarettes and a unique scent that he couldn’t identify.
Shinya sighed. He wished that Kyo had a cell phone. He buried his face into the pillow and darkness overcame him. He was trying to fight the urge, but he knew from the start that he would lose the battle.
He curled up tight in Kyo’s blankets. He felt so small. So hopeless.
His eyes were getting heavy. His eyelids were slipping closed.
He couldn’t remove himself from the blankness of Kyo’s room. Shinya wanted to stay in his bed.
Shinya fell asleep knowing that he shouldn’t have.
---
Don't forget to check out the interlude (link on top)