The title of today's entry shares a title with a Lisa Ling documentary about being gay in a christian community. I watched it a few weeks back with Alex and became more confused about our situation. I realized there's many things I haven't taken the time to write about and one of them is a major component in Alex and I's relationship, something ( Read more... )

I dont know how to deal with Alex's insane mood swings and lack of memory. I often feel like Im babysitting a small child with a learning disability. I feel exhausted but I know Im gaining some strength lately as Im more vocal about being displeased and I am trying to figure out what I want to do ( Read more... )

I am applying at a great clips just so i can put an end to this job hunt for a while, it's too exhausting. I did a model today and I felt really happy. While I was happy while Steph was here and I can't help but smile when Mabel greets me with her butt wagging (not just her tail) I've felt very little joy in being here in general. Today I had a ( Read more... )

My sister and I both as adults struggle with the ramifications of having the mother that we do. One that we both have been talking about lately is a very simple thing. Cleaning. Our mother never made us do anything. If we wanted to quit a hobby, fine, if we wanted to go out and do things that we were too young to do, fine, but where we could have ( Read more... )

I feel angry today. Steph came to visit for a week, a fun, emotionally confusing week wherein my new life and old life collided. I feel angry that the only fun I've really had here has been during that week. There has been little joy here and an overwhelming amount of pain. I feel more stagnant than I've ever felt. I feel disgustingly lazy, sitting ( Read more... )

I love old journals.
3/28/09

"Our love right now is innocent. We could easily be seven sharing a pail in the sand. We strive to create only to be bowled over by forces stronger than ourselves."

Im finding it difficult over the holidays to enjoy being here. There's such a lack of joy and fun in my life that makes it so hard to handle, in my family things are chaotic, loud, joyful. I find that spending time with Alex's family, while nice, is not fun, or joyful. They are quiet people. Its suffocating sometimes as I try my hardest to host ( Read more... )

I haven't so much as logged into this site for weeks, but alas here I am. I don't much feel like recapping things that have happened since I moved to Florida as I think it'd easily get overwhelming ( Read more... )

We keep going back and forth, we're good, he's being sweet, then I have to get in mommy mode for stupid shit ( Read more... )

I think Jer and I are really close to our end. I don't know how to handle it or to try and change it. I just don't think there's anything really there anymore besides companionship. We have our second year anniversary coming up and I don't want to celebrate it. For a large part of this year I've been unhappy, and I don't think anything is changing ( Read more... )