A Well Respected Man (Chapter 12)
Title: A Well Respected Man (Chapter 12)
Author: ar_poe
Rating: PG/PG-13
Pairing: Morgan/Reid
Warnings: Drug recovery, very mild slash (all fluff)
Summary: Spoilers for 'The Big Game' and 'Revelations.' What happened during Dr. Reid's group therapy and throughout his recovery.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 and 9b, 10, 11, and my accompanying picspam.
A/N: A lot of research went into this chapter, sorry in advance for any mistakes!
Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds.
Chapter 12
Spencer sat himself down delicately on the couch that he and Derek shared. He had no idea what to do with himself - Hotch had made himself perfectly clear that he was to take at least two weeks off, which also meant that Derek couldn't sneak him any paper work that he was too lazy to complete himself.
Hotch had also given Derek two weeks off as well, so that he could take care of Spencer and to make sure that he did nothing to prolong his undoubtedly uneasy recovery (like consider himself the 'doctor' and clear himself for work, like he had before), given that a new case didn't arise.
Spencer sat stiffly, his back a few inches away from the back of the couch with his ice pack. He looked around and frowned. He didn't hardly like to watch television, unless it was with Derek, and the stack of books that Derek had laid out for him on the coffee table had been read hours ago. He had some work he could do in his office, but he didn't know how far he'd get typing with this type of pain, and only one arm that worked better than the other. Clooney looked content, so that wasn't an option, especially after Derek had glared at him with a raised eyebrow and leveled his eyes with Spencer's. If I find out you've left this apartment. For anything. You're in trouble. Spencer didn't want to find out what would come of that.
Spencer looked down at his bag that Derek had leaned up against the couch, and remembered the small orange bottle that was laying in there in the small zippered pocket. Derek had stopped him at the pharmacy on the way home a few days ago to get extra bandages, and he had the prescription filled while Derek waited in the car.
I could take just one, he thought. Just one to take the edge off, and then I can sleep. Spencer knew, though, that one would lead to two, and two would lead to four... And he would lose everything. If the team found out that he was struggling again, if it interfered, he could lose his job for good. He would lose his team and his family, he would lose Derek...
Spencer winced as a sharp throb shot through his arm, bringing him out of his thoughts, almost as his body was working against him, saying hey, remember me? Yeah, you have something right there that will get rid of me, just take a couple...
Spencer stood abruptly and swayed as the sudden movement made him dizzy. He wasn't going to let Derek down. At first, it had been enough for him to just have that bottle, to know that it was there and that comforted him. But in the past day or two, that hunger grew stronger, and it was unearthing old memories and old feelings, old emotions. Things that he had tried so hard to bury and to get past, with the help of the meetings, and from the unwavering support from Derek.
Before he knew what he was doing, he reached in his bag and grabbed the bottle. He struggled to open the child safety lid, but finally managed to open it. He tapped out only one pill, and examined it in his palm. For a while, that's all he did. He just stood there and stared at the small round pill. He almost laughed. It's funny how something so small can have so much power - the power to destroy people and destroy lives; something that was made for good and healing, could do so much damage...
He finally put the bottle away in his bag and went to fetch a glass of water, popping the pill in his mouth on the way to the kitchen. He made his way to the bedroom and laid down on the bed, in Derek's spot, and curled up as best as he could under the blankets.
He buried his face in Derek's pillows and cried.
0-0-0
When Derek returned home from work that evening, he found Spencer asleep on Derek's side of the bed. He leaned against the door frame and watched Spencer, who was laying on his right side with his left arm shielding his chest, with the most content look on his face.
Derek made his way over to the bed, sitting the bag of Jell-o down on the end, and sat next to Spencer, rolling him over to look at his face.
“Hey, Pretty Boy.” He said quietly with a small smile.
“Hi.” Was all Spencer said, before he even opened his eyes. When he finally did so and looked up at Derek, Derek's smile turned into a hard line as his eyes narrowed.
“What's wrong, Spence?”
Spencer shifted a little underneath Derek's arms and looked in his eyes. Everything. Everything is wrong. I can't do this.
“Nothing.” Spencer closed his eyes again and rolled back over, reburying his face in Derek's pillows.
Derek didn't move and continued watching Spencer, how careful he was not to jostle anything and how much pain he was obviously in.
“You've been off the past few days, Spence. Talk to me.”
I'm an addict. I'm not strong enough. I've really messed up, I'm going to mess everything up.
“I missed you. How was work?”
0-0-0
Derek didn't sleep that night. He laid there, wide awake, with Spencer in his arms. He nuzzled his face in Spencer's hair, and squeezed him closer, letting him know that he was there for his lover. Spencer relaxed a little in his arms and made a cute and relaxed sound.
Eventually, Derek couldn't stand the silence anymore, despite how late it was. “Spencer?” He whispered, running his fingers through Spencer's hair.
Spencer shifter tiredly in Derek's arms when he was awakened and gave a small groan.“Yes?”
“What's been going on in that head of yours?”
A huge pang of guilt hit Spencer in the gut, and it was about all he could do to fight back the tears. His emotions had been so out of whack the past few days, he felt like he was on the verge of a breakdown. He knew he was going to break down at any given second.
“Go to sleep, Derek. Sleep is good.”
0-0-0
Derek felt cold and very, very wrong.
He had stayed home with Spencer for the past three days to take care of him, and also because he felt like he could use a little vacation time as well. He had caught himself up on sleep and his paper work, and had thoroughly cleaned their apartment out of boredom. He had made dinner for Spencer last night and had gone to bed early shortly after while Spencer did... whatever it was he did in his office.
Actually, now that Derek was lying here awake and thinking about things, he couldn't remember Spencer coming to bed last night at all.
He shivered and swallowed uncomfortably. He felt very wrong.
Finally, Derek got himself out of bed and slid on a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt, and left the bedroom to search for Spencer.
He opened the door to Spencer's office and found it empty, except for a good half a dozen empty coffee mugs, stray papers and books. He turned around and shut the door behind him, passing the empty living room and made his way down the hallway. When he came upon the bathroom, he noticed the door was closed, and he paused and thought for a second, wondering if he should go into the bathroom or go start some coffee and breakfast.
He shifted his weight from one leg to the other and knocked on the bathroom door. “Spencer?” He called, lowering his head to look at the door knob while he waited for an answer. When he didn't receive one, he tried again. “Spencer, babe? You okay?”
Derek slowly turned the door knob and opened the door. He looked from the shower to the toilet, and finding the floor, where he saw Spencer huddle up in the corner between the toilet and the wall. He had his arms wrapped around himself and his knees pulled in tightly, and he just looked up at Derek with the biggest, saddest eyes that Derek had ever seen.
Derek's heart exploded when he saw Spencer drawn up inside of himself in the corner of the bathroom floor. “Spencer...” He whispered, sounding so sad and worried. “What happened?”
“I...” Spencer's voice trembled, he sounded so terrified. He blinked rapidly, trying to clear his vision, and looked down to his arms. “I messed up.” Spencer looked back up and stifled a sob, “I really messed up, Derek.”
Derek's face fell and he made his way over to Spencer, sitting in front of him on the floor. He gently took Spencer's face in his hands and looked him in the eyes, examining his pupils. He let his hands slowly fall away, stroking Spencer's clammy skin as they lowered. He reluctantly looked around the bathroom for whatever it was Spencer had gotten a hold of, and picked up the bottle of Vicodin laying to the right of Spencer.
“How many did you take, Spencer?”
“Please don't be upset with me. Please.” Spencer's voice was pleading, scared.
“How many did you take!”
Spencer flinched when Derek yelled and blinked a few more times. “I... I don't remember... I... just woke up...”
Derek shook his head and looked down to the bottle that was laying in his hands. He felt numb and sad, disappointed and depressed. He couldn't believe that Spencer was putting himself through this again, after how far he had come...
“I tried... I really tried...”
Derek looked up at the sound of Spencer's voice. He was looking down at his arms absently, his eyes unfocused and unblinking. “I messed up everything.”
“I kept asking you, Spencer. I asked you over and over again what was going on, why didn't you come to me?” Derek's eyes pierced into Spencer. He was so hurt. Spencer had hurt him, and Spencer was more broken than ever.
“You act like you have to do everything by yourself, you don't tell me anything. How many damn times do I have to you that you don't have to do anything alone, kid?” Derek's voice was angry again as he stood abruptly. He opened the toilet lid and dumped the bottle's contents into the bowl.
“I...” Spencer's head snapped up and his eyes grew wide. “What are you doing? I need those!”
“No you don't. You're talking like an addict.” Derek said simply, almost sounding mean, and flushed the toilet. He held his hands out to help Spencer stand.
When he finally got Spencer up, he steadied him and held him by the shoulders as Reid still slightly swayed. “What would've happened if I hadn't have found you, Spencer? If I hadn't found the bottle?”
Right at that moment, during that touch and that sentiment, something snapped in Spencer and he finally broke down. His shoulders slumped forward and he hung his head shamefully and cried.
Derek pulled Spencer to him and hugged him tightly, tighter then he ever remembered hugging Spencer Reid before. He cradled his head and kissed his cheek as Spencer clung to Derek for dear life.
“I love you, Spencer. Please don't ever, ever do something like this again. You hear me?”
“I'm so sorry...” Spencer choked, readjusting his arms and hugging Derek tighter.
“I can't tell you that it's okay, but I love you. I love you more than anything, and that'll never change. Now get yourself cleaned up while I make us some breakfast. We have a lot of talking to do.”
0-0-0
Derek filled Spencer's plate with eggs and bacon as Spencer tiredly sat down at their kitchen table. He hung his head and didn't move when Derek placed a cup of coffee in front of him, complete with nine teaspoons of sugar, and sat down as well with a piece of bacon hanging out of his mouth.
They ate in silence and every so often, Derek would see Spencer look at him almost hopefully, and look back down when he thought Derek saw him.
“Can we get out of the house?” Spencer asked quietly as he finished his breakfast. “I can't be in here anymore, I'm going crazy.”
“Sure, Spence.” It hadn't even occurred to Derek that maybe keeping him pinned up in the apartment for a little over a week, despite it being out of protection, wouldn't be good for him. “Get your jacket and we'll go to that coffee shop you like.”
0-0-0
Spencer slowly slid into his booth as Derek stood at the counter to order their coffee. He sat near the window and rested his head on his hand, looking out to the street and architecture. He could barely keep his eyes open, and he was vaguely aware of the noise and commotion around him.
Derek touched the side of his arm as he slid into his side of the booth, eying Spencer worriedly as Spencer lifted his head and took his cup of coffee with a small, grateful smile.
They remained silent for awhile as they both sipped their coffees. Derek knew how this worked with Spencer. He'd stay quiet and act nonchalant, and eventually, the guilt would overwhelm Spencer and he'd spill his soul. He knew better to push him - he had to gather his thoughts and emotions on his own and make sense of them...
“Derek?” Spencer asked softly, spinning his cup in his hands. Derek looked at Spencer softly and waited for him to continue.
“I don't really know why I did what I did, I don't remember what went through my head last night... I just...” Spencer paused and tipped his head to the side and continued examining his cup. “As soon as I woke up in the hospital, before I even opened my eyes and realized where I was... I could feel the withdrawals, and I saw the look in your eyes, and I just couldn't stand it.... I had gotten so far and then just like that, I was back where I started, and I just couldn't take it. I couldn't handle it... So I called the nurse in and I told myself just while I'm in the hospital, so I can sleep. And I knew, cognitively, that it wouldn't just be for that period of time, and then the doctor asked me if I wanted a prescription.... I wanted so badly to say no, but I just couldn't....”
“Listen to me, Spencer. Hankel was the one that shot you up with Dilaudid. That wasn't your fault. If it wasn't for him, you would never be in this situation.”
Spencer finally looked at Derek with an almost pitied look. “It wasn't my fault then, but it's certainly my fault now.” He looked at Derek for a second longer, but then lowered his gaze. “I didn't tell you when you asked because that would make it real and that would make me weak. I can't do this anymore. I can't do this alone and I can't lose you.”
“Spencer.” Derek leaned across the table, pushing his coffee cup aside, and making it a point to look Spencer in the eyes. “You are one of the strongest people I have ever met. You're not gonna lose me.”
Spencer kept his eyes to the table and pressed his lips together, fighting back tears. “I told you that I would be here for you, and I'll be here for you through everything. I mean that.”
Spencer just nodded and finally looked up. “I'm sorry.” He apologized again. He wanted nothing more than to be forgiven - he couldn't throw away his life and everything he had worked towards.
“And I won't tell Hotch. On the condition that you go to Dr. Fitzgerald and a meeting first thing.” Spencer's breath hitched and he looked at Derek like a kid who was being punished, with those giant brown eyes.
“Okay, Spencer?”
Spencer bit his lip as his eyes darted around the crowded coffee shop. It was suddenly so crowded and so very loud and overwhelming. Everything seemed so far away and everything around him was spinning...
“Spencer?” He could hear Derek calling his name worriedly, but at the same time, he could barely hear anything at all. He grasped the side of the table in front of him to steady himself and squeezed his eyes shut to get his head together.
Derek reached across the table and grabbed Spencer's face, slightly shaking him to get his attention. “Spencer. Open your eyes. Look at me.”
Spencer frowned as the slight movement made his head spin even faster. The ringing in his ears became louder, drowning out the outside noise.
“I think...” Spencer took in a deep, shaky breath. “I think we should go home...”
Derek didn't hesitate. He left their coffees on the table and lifted Spencer's arm from the table to lead him out of the booth. He helped Spencer stand and lead him out to the car, helping him inside. Spencer sighed and rested his head against the back of the seat, eyes closed.
Derek got in behind the wheel and started the car, looking over to Spencer. “You okay?”
Spencer licked his lips and wiped his sweaty palms down his pants legs. “Can you -” Spencer couldn't finish his sentence, but made a circular motion with his finger, motioning towards the window. Derek rolled down his window and put the car in drive.
“Need to go to the hospital?”
“No. Just... sleep...”
0-0-0
Spencer almost collapsed on the bed, drunkenly rolling over onto his stomach and burying himself in pillows and blankets. The dizziness had subsided but the ringing in his ears was more than distracting.
“What's happening, Spencer?”
Spencer squinted at the dim light and rolled his head towards Derek's voice. “Vicodin has numerous common side effects. Dizziness, unconsciousness, hyperventilation, nausea, altered mental state...” Spencer trailed off and closed his eyes again. “I'm sorry, Derek. Please don't be upset with me...”
Derek sighed and got into bed next to Spencer, wrapping him up in his arms. He moved the hair from Spencer's face and kissed his forehead, looking at his delicate features, feeling him breath. “I'm just worried about you, Spencer. I need you to be okay.”
Spencer partially opened his eyes and lifted his head an inch or two from the pillow and met Derek half way, planting a quick kiss on his lips. “I'll go to a meeting this week.” That sentence took all of Spencer's remaining energy, and he laid his head back down and closed his eyes.
Sighing deeply and curling into Derek, he buried his face in Derek's neck and said “I'm sorry I let you down.” And fell asleep before Derek was able to respond.
Author: ar_poe
Rating: PG/PG-13
Pairing: Morgan/Reid
Warnings: Drug recovery, very mild slash (all fluff)
Summary: Spoilers for 'The Big Game' and 'Revelations.' What happened during Dr. Reid's group therapy and throughout his recovery.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 and 9b, 10, 11, and my accompanying picspam.
A/N: A lot of research went into this chapter, sorry in advance for any mistakes!
Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds.
Chapter 12
Spencer sat himself down delicately on the couch that he and Derek shared. He had no idea what to do with himself - Hotch had made himself perfectly clear that he was to take at least two weeks off, which also meant that Derek couldn't sneak him any paper work that he was too lazy to complete himself.
Hotch had also given Derek two weeks off as well, so that he could take care of Spencer and to make sure that he did nothing to prolong his undoubtedly uneasy recovery (like consider himself the 'doctor' and clear himself for work, like he had before), given that a new case didn't arise.
Spencer sat stiffly, his back a few inches away from the back of the couch with his ice pack. He looked around and frowned. He didn't hardly like to watch television, unless it was with Derek, and the stack of books that Derek had laid out for him on the coffee table had been read hours ago. He had some work he could do in his office, but he didn't know how far he'd get typing with this type of pain, and only one arm that worked better than the other. Clooney looked content, so that wasn't an option, especially after Derek had glared at him with a raised eyebrow and leveled his eyes with Spencer's. If I find out you've left this apartment. For anything. You're in trouble. Spencer didn't want to find out what would come of that.
Spencer looked down at his bag that Derek had leaned up against the couch, and remembered the small orange bottle that was laying in there in the small zippered pocket. Derek had stopped him at the pharmacy on the way home a few days ago to get extra bandages, and he had the prescription filled while Derek waited in the car.
I could take just one, he thought. Just one to take the edge off, and then I can sleep. Spencer knew, though, that one would lead to two, and two would lead to four... And he would lose everything. If the team found out that he was struggling again, if it interfered, he could lose his job for good. He would lose his team and his family, he would lose Derek...
Spencer winced as a sharp throb shot through his arm, bringing him out of his thoughts, almost as his body was working against him, saying hey, remember me? Yeah, you have something right there that will get rid of me, just take a couple...
Spencer stood abruptly and swayed as the sudden movement made him dizzy. He wasn't going to let Derek down. At first, it had been enough for him to just have that bottle, to know that it was there and that comforted him. But in the past day or two, that hunger grew stronger, and it was unearthing old memories and old feelings, old emotions. Things that he had tried so hard to bury and to get past, with the help of the meetings, and from the unwavering support from Derek.
Before he knew what he was doing, he reached in his bag and grabbed the bottle. He struggled to open the child safety lid, but finally managed to open it. He tapped out only one pill, and examined it in his palm. For a while, that's all he did. He just stood there and stared at the small round pill. He almost laughed. It's funny how something so small can have so much power - the power to destroy people and destroy lives; something that was made for good and healing, could do so much damage...
He finally put the bottle away in his bag and went to fetch a glass of water, popping the pill in his mouth on the way to the kitchen. He made his way to the bedroom and laid down on the bed, in Derek's spot, and curled up as best as he could under the blankets.
He buried his face in Derek's pillows and cried.
0-0-0
When Derek returned home from work that evening, he found Spencer asleep on Derek's side of the bed. He leaned against the door frame and watched Spencer, who was laying on his right side with his left arm shielding his chest, with the most content look on his face.
Derek made his way over to the bed, sitting the bag of Jell-o down on the end, and sat next to Spencer, rolling him over to look at his face.
“Hey, Pretty Boy.” He said quietly with a small smile.
“Hi.” Was all Spencer said, before he even opened his eyes. When he finally did so and looked up at Derek, Derek's smile turned into a hard line as his eyes narrowed.
“What's wrong, Spence?”
Spencer shifted a little underneath Derek's arms and looked in his eyes. Everything. Everything is wrong. I can't do this.
“Nothing.” Spencer closed his eyes again and rolled back over, reburying his face in Derek's pillows.
Derek didn't move and continued watching Spencer, how careful he was not to jostle anything and how much pain he was obviously in.
“You've been off the past few days, Spence. Talk to me.”
I'm an addict. I'm not strong enough. I've really messed up, I'm going to mess everything up.
“I missed you. How was work?”
0-0-0
Derek didn't sleep that night. He laid there, wide awake, with Spencer in his arms. He nuzzled his face in Spencer's hair, and squeezed him closer, letting him know that he was there for his lover. Spencer relaxed a little in his arms and made a cute and relaxed sound.
Eventually, Derek couldn't stand the silence anymore, despite how late it was. “Spencer?” He whispered, running his fingers through Spencer's hair.
Spencer shifter tiredly in Derek's arms when he was awakened and gave a small groan.“Yes?”
“What's been going on in that head of yours?”
A huge pang of guilt hit Spencer in the gut, and it was about all he could do to fight back the tears. His emotions had been so out of whack the past few days, he felt like he was on the verge of a breakdown. He knew he was going to break down at any given second.
“Go to sleep, Derek. Sleep is good.”
0-0-0
Derek felt cold and very, very wrong.
He had stayed home with Spencer for the past three days to take care of him, and also because he felt like he could use a little vacation time as well. He had caught himself up on sleep and his paper work, and had thoroughly cleaned their apartment out of boredom. He had made dinner for Spencer last night and had gone to bed early shortly after while Spencer did... whatever it was he did in his office.
Actually, now that Derek was lying here awake and thinking about things, he couldn't remember Spencer coming to bed last night at all.
He shivered and swallowed uncomfortably. He felt very wrong.
Finally, Derek got himself out of bed and slid on a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt, and left the bedroom to search for Spencer.
He opened the door to Spencer's office and found it empty, except for a good half a dozen empty coffee mugs, stray papers and books. He turned around and shut the door behind him, passing the empty living room and made his way down the hallway. When he came upon the bathroom, he noticed the door was closed, and he paused and thought for a second, wondering if he should go into the bathroom or go start some coffee and breakfast.
He shifted his weight from one leg to the other and knocked on the bathroom door. “Spencer?” He called, lowering his head to look at the door knob while he waited for an answer. When he didn't receive one, he tried again. “Spencer, babe? You okay?”
Derek slowly turned the door knob and opened the door. He looked from the shower to the toilet, and finding the floor, where he saw Spencer huddle up in the corner between the toilet and the wall. He had his arms wrapped around himself and his knees pulled in tightly, and he just looked up at Derek with the biggest, saddest eyes that Derek had ever seen.
Derek's heart exploded when he saw Spencer drawn up inside of himself in the corner of the bathroom floor. “Spencer...” He whispered, sounding so sad and worried. “What happened?”
“I...” Spencer's voice trembled, he sounded so terrified. He blinked rapidly, trying to clear his vision, and looked down to his arms. “I messed up.” Spencer looked back up and stifled a sob, “I really messed up, Derek.”
Derek's face fell and he made his way over to Spencer, sitting in front of him on the floor. He gently took Spencer's face in his hands and looked him in the eyes, examining his pupils. He let his hands slowly fall away, stroking Spencer's clammy skin as they lowered. He reluctantly looked around the bathroom for whatever it was Spencer had gotten a hold of, and picked up the bottle of Vicodin laying to the right of Spencer.
“How many did you take, Spencer?”
“Please don't be upset with me. Please.” Spencer's voice was pleading, scared.
“How many did you take!”
Spencer flinched when Derek yelled and blinked a few more times. “I... I don't remember... I... just woke up...”
Derek shook his head and looked down to the bottle that was laying in his hands. He felt numb and sad, disappointed and depressed. He couldn't believe that Spencer was putting himself through this again, after how far he had come...
“I tried... I really tried...”
Derek looked up at the sound of Spencer's voice. He was looking down at his arms absently, his eyes unfocused and unblinking. “I messed up everything.”
“I kept asking you, Spencer. I asked you over and over again what was going on, why didn't you come to me?” Derek's eyes pierced into Spencer. He was so hurt. Spencer had hurt him, and Spencer was more broken than ever.
“You act like you have to do everything by yourself, you don't tell me anything. How many damn times do I have to you that you don't have to do anything alone, kid?” Derek's voice was angry again as he stood abruptly. He opened the toilet lid and dumped the bottle's contents into the bowl.
“I...” Spencer's head snapped up and his eyes grew wide. “What are you doing? I need those!”
“No you don't. You're talking like an addict.” Derek said simply, almost sounding mean, and flushed the toilet. He held his hands out to help Spencer stand.
When he finally got Spencer up, he steadied him and held him by the shoulders as Reid still slightly swayed. “What would've happened if I hadn't have found you, Spencer? If I hadn't found the bottle?”
Right at that moment, during that touch and that sentiment, something snapped in Spencer and he finally broke down. His shoulders slumped forward and he hung his head shamefully and cried.
Derek pulled Spencer to him and hugged him tightly, tighter then he ever remembered hugging Spencer Reid before. He cradled his head and kissed his cheek as Spencer clung to Derek for dear life.
“I love you, Spencer. Please don't ever, ever do something like this again. You hear me?”
“I'm so sorry...” Spencer choked, readjusting his arms and hugging Derek tighter.
“I can't tell you that it's okay, but I love you. I love you more than anything, and that'll never change. Now get yourself cleaned up while I make us some breakfast. We have a lot of talking to do.”
0-0-0
Derek filled Spencer's plate with eggs and bacon as Spencer tiredly sat down at their kitchen table. He hung his head and didn't move when Derek placed a cup of coffee in front of him, complete with nine teaspoons of sugar, and sat down as well with a piece of bacon hanging out of his mouth.
They ate in silence and every so often, Derek would see Spencer look at him almost hopefully, and look back down when he thought Derek saw him.
“Can we get out of the house?” Spencer asked quietly as he finished his breakfast. “I can't be in here anymore, I'm going crazy.”
“Sure, Spence.” It hadn't even occurred to Derek that maybe keeping him pinned up in the apartment for a little over a week, despite it being out of protection, wouldn't be good for him. “Get your jacket and we'll go to that coffee shop you like.”
0-0-0
Spencer slowly slid into his booth as Derek stood at the counter to order their coffee. He sat near the window and rested his head on his hand, looking out to the street and architecture. He could barely keep his eyes open, and he was vaguely aware of the noise and commotion around him.
Derek touched the side of his arm as he slid into his side of the booth, eying Spencer worriedly as Spencer lifted his head and took his cup of coffee with a small, grateful smile.
They remained silent for awhile as they both sipped their coffees. Derek knew how this worked with Spencer. He'd stay quiet and act nonchalant, and eventually, the guilt would overwhelm Spencer and he'd spill his soul. He knew better to push him - he had to gather his thoughts and emotions on his own and make sense of them...
“Derek?” Spencer asked softly, spinning his cup in his hands. Derek looked at Spencer softly and waited for him to continue.
“I don't really know why I did what I did, I don't remember what went through my head last night... I just...” Spencer paused and tipped his head to the side and continued examining his cup. “As soon as I woke up in the hospital, before I even opened my eyes and realized where I was... I could feel the withdrawals, and I saw the look in your eyes, and I just couldn't stand it.... I had gotten so far and then just like that, I was back where I started, and I just couldn't take it. I couldn't handle it... So I called the nurse in and I told myself just while I'm in the hospital, so I can sleep. And I knew, cognitively, that it wouldn't just be for that period of time, and then the doctor asked me if I wanted a prescription.... I wanted so badly to say no, but I just couldn't....”
“Listen to me, Spencer. Hankel was the one that shot you up with Dilaudid. That wasn't your fault. If it wasn't for him, you would never be in this situation.”
Spencer finally looked at Derek with an almost pitied look. “It wasn't my fault then, but it's certainly my fault now.” He looked at Derek for a second longer, but then lowered his gaze. “I didn't tell you when you asked because that would make it real and that would make me weak. I can't do this anymore. I can't do this alone and I can't lose you.”
“Spencer.” Derek leaned across the table, pushing his coffee cup aside, and making it a point to look Spencer in the eyes. “You are one of the strongest people I have ever met. You're not gonna lose me.”
Spencer kept his eyes to the table and pressed his lips together, fighting back tears. “I told you that I would be here for you, and I'll be here for you through everything. I mean that.”
Spencer just nodded and finally looked up. “I'm sorry.” He apologized again. He wanted nothing more than to be forgiven - he couldn't throw away his life and everything he had worked towards.
“And I won't tell Hotch. On the condition that you go to Dr. Fitzgerald and a meeting first thing.” Spencer's breath hitched and he looked at Derek like a kid who was being punished, with those giant brown eyes.
“Okay, Spencer?”
Spencer bit his lip as his eyes darted around the crowded coffee shop. It was suddenly so crowded and so very loud and overwhelming. Everything seemed so far away and everything around him was spinning...
“Spencer?” He could hear Derek calling his name worriedly, but at the same time, he could barely hear anything at all. He grasped the side of the table in front of him to steady himself and squeezed his eyes shut to get his head together.
Derek reached across the table and grabbed Spencer's face, slightly shaking him to get his attention. “Spencer. Open your eyes. Look at me.”
Spencer frowned as the slight movement made his head spin even faster. The ringing in his ears became louder, drowning out the outside noise.
“I think...” Spencer took in a deep, shaky breath. “I think we should go home...”
Derek didn't hesitate. He left their coffees on the table and lifted Spencer's arm from the table to lead him out of the booth. He helped Spencer stand and lead him out to the car, helping him inside. Spencer sighed and rested his head against the back of the seat, eyes closed.
Derek got in behind the wheel and started the car, looking over to Spencer. “You okay?”
Spencer licked his lips and wiped his sweaty palms down his pants legs. “Can you -” Spencer couldn't finish his sentence, but made a circular motion with his finger, motioning towards the window. Derek rolled down his window and put the car in drive.
“Need to go to the hospital?”
“No. Just... sleep...”
0-0-0
Spencer almost collapsed on the bed, drunkenly rolling over onto his stomach and burying himself in pillows and blankets. The dizziness had subsided but the ringing in his ears was more than distracting.
“What's happening, Spencer?”
Spencer squinted at the dim light and rolled his head towards Derek's voice. “Vicodin has numerous common side effects. Dizziness, unconsciousness, hyperventilation, nausea, altered mental state...” Spencer trailed off and closed his eyes again. “I'm sorry, Derek. Please don't be upset with me...”
Derek sighed and got into bed next to Spencer, wrapping him up in his arms. He moved the hair from Spencer's face and kissed his forehead, looking at his delicate features, feeling him breath. “I'm just worried about you, Spencer. I need you to be okay.”
Spencer partially opened his eyes and lifted his head an inch or two from the pillow and met Derek half way, planting a quick kiss on his lips. “I'll go to a meeting this week.” That sentence took all of Spencer's remaining energy, and he laid his head back down and closed his eyes.
Sighing deeply and curling into Derek, he buried his face in Derek's neck and said “I'm sorry I let you down.” And fell asleep before Derek was able to respond.